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#23673 ·
· on Stitches
Preface: I'm a inspiring writer, so most of my advice will be about the plot and theming (as I feel I understand those concepts better than anything else).

With that out of the way, this was a great story. This was very welly executed, and I don't notice any mistakes, (grammar and the like that wasn't already noted) so that's good. As >>Baal Bunny said, Rainbow Dash doesn't sound like herself at the end, but it is a nitpick at worst. Again, I'll agree with >>Baal Bunny about the "purple and gold" moments with Twilight. It feels like a brow beat. But besides that, the story is perfect as is.

Honestly, while I was reading this. I thought this was going to be a Rarijack vs. AppleDash fic. Mostly Rarity being angry at herself for not noticing the signs earlier. I'm actually happy that I'm wrong, because I enjoyed Rarity's character growth. Her being envious of AJ and RD because their relationship works, while she still has yet to find her special somepony. I didn't expect that, and I'm glad I didn't.

Overall, a great story with a few flaws to work out.

Rating: Rough Around the Edges (heh, heh)
#23669 ·
· on The Story of O.
As >>Baal Bunny said, not showing what was written on the note was a bad decision. Especially since Vinyl is mute. Vinyl can't express herself as much as Octavia, so it is impossible to infer what she wrote onto the note (which is what I assumed I was suppose to do).

For most of the story, it was a one-sided conversation, and that was fine until Vinyl wouldn't talk to Octavia. It was pretty jarring, not knowing what set Vinyl off. Again, since Vinyl can't express herself as much as Octavia, I saw that Vinyl was angry, but I didn't know why. Also, Vinyl's anger seemed to be unwarranted simply because Octavia wouldn't express how much she loved her (it seemed like 'never speak to me again' anger due to Vinyl not even bothering to look in Octavia's direction). Honestly, I could see Vinyl harassing Octavia by poking at her (just to annoy her) and not love on her, so she could get the point across better.

Despite the two flaws I pointed out, I think it is a good story. I can't wait to see how you will finish this.

Rating: What's written on the note?
#23668 ·
· on The Butterfly
I agree with >>Baal Bunny, Rarity practically took that sitting down, which isn't her style (unless her spirit is crushed). And I'll again agree with >>Baal Bunny, why on that random day of all days? Also, what happened to Sweetie Belle? You built up to a cliff hanger, without any buildup.

I'm honestly assuming you ran out of time writing this so that is why the ending was so abrupt, but it did hurt your story quite a bit.

I do like the message behind the story, "Be a rock that will weather the storm", "Don't give up", etc. I honestly see Rarity filling this role if the others were to lose their motivation (this would suit Twilight better, but Rarity is the next best choice). Good choice.

Rating: Rough-Cut Gem
#23667 ·
· on At the Seams · >>Baal Bunny
Like what >>No_Raisin said, it is weird that Sandbar and Yona never talked about having foals before. Especially, if Yona knew that is was possible. If neither knew, that would have actually been better, as they could have gone through this journey together.

Just rewriting some to the plot points would fix many of these problems. Like, Yona and Sanbar knew when Yona's 'three nights' are, but avoid them because they are afraid of the outcome. A slight adjustment to the plot, but keeps most of the story intact.

>>No_Raisin, I'll have to argue on your point about Discord (especially since this takes place after the finale). Discord acting different would be in character and work if the other creature is utterly confused, like Sandbar was. Expect the unexpected with Discord. However, this would be the only situation (or ones very similar) where this would work.

I did enjoy the story, but I'm afraid I can't point anything else out that >>No_Raisin already hasn't.

Rating: Fluff(le) Minus Puff
#22103 ·
· on Letting On and Letting Go
I liked the concept, but I feel there needs to be more context. Do the three represent the Ego, Super Ego and Id? Or are they different personality? Or-etc.

Other than that, the story is told real well.

I look forward to seeing your future endeavors.
#22102 ·
· on The More Things Change · >>Baal Bunny
The Lucy werewolf reveal at the end... I don't know how to feel about that. Looking back, the Sailor Moon comment makes sense, but it would've helped if you at least dropped another hint. That and integrate it easier, that reveal was rough. I liked the story's plot, but the reveal is giving me mixed feelings.

I look forward to seeing what you will write next.
#22101 ·
· on The Whole of the Law
My big problem with this story is the text wall. The story concept was really good, but hard to read.

Other than that, I look forward to seeing to see what you will write next.
#22100 ·
· on Lifestyle Gadgets
I've said this for many other stories, but I wish this could be developed more. There is a lot of plot points here, but you barely have touched the surface.

The story isn't bad (I liked it actually), but I think this is a bad minific. You have a lot to work with, but this format doesn't work with it.

I look forward to seeing what you write next.
#22099 ·
· on Cicadas All the Way Down · >>Anon Y Mous
Like what everyone else said, you didn't stick to a single plot point.

I think that this is a good story, but I would think it would be better as a longer story. This has potential, but this format limits it.

I really don't have anything else to add, other than I would read a longer version of this. Keep up the good work.
#22097 ·
· on Pedagogy · >>Cassius
Pretty good story. I don't think there is much that I could say.

This was executed pretty well. Jokes were on point, and stung pretty well. Can't see any problems with the story at all.

Can't wait to see what you will right next.
#22095 ·
· on The Seventeenth City of Hell
It's a simple story, and I think it is a good thing. This is good for a minific, and what should be done for such. I've read some other minifics that are trash minifics. Mostly because they would do a lot better as short stories and such. The stories do end up feeling a bit off, but aren't terrible.

Truthfully, I agree with >>No_Raisin. We need to know more about this version of Hell.

I really can't find anything wrong with it, so good job! I can't wait to see what you write next.
#22093 · 1
· on Bob's Burgeria
I think this was pretty good story, but an awful minific. The pacing was good and everything, but there is a lot of info that could be built upon. I'm just saying this story doesn't seem to match this category.

This isn't going to affect the ranking of this at all.

Truthfully, I think this would better as a short story or something. There are so many ideas in here, and I want to see a longer version of it.
#22085 · 1
· on Club
First rule about Fight Club, you don't talk about Fight Club.

Now with the basics out of the way, here are my thoughts.

I thought it was pretty good, but as >>Pascoite said, the dialogue seemed too planned. I mean, if Stephen knew about Steve beforehand (before the story started) it would be fine, but he didn't so the prepared dialogue doesn't make sense here. I do like that Stephen was aware that Steve was his Alter Ego before Steve enacted any crazy plans. Steve finding out sooner changes how the story could play out, and I want to see it now.

This story needs some polish (as others have said), but I want to see where you will take this.

>>No_Raisin (Character Identities, or my opinion of them anyway)
Steve= The Alter Ego
Stephen= The Actual Main Character
#22084 ·
· on It's a Living
I will agree will >>Pascoite about the tone shift, it is pretty jarring. However, I thought that the narrator was human at first, so if that is what you had planned to happen, well it worked. I think this has a lot of potential, but just needs to be refined a bit. Still, it was a good read and I hope to see more stories like this in the future.
#21991 · 3
Pretty good prompts so far. Starting to get some ideas with the ones that has been posted as of right now (just brainstorming).
#21962 · 1
· on ...But Not Through Glass · >>GroaningGreyAgony
As >>Bachiavellian said, it feels like this piece was made out of cotton (or felt) and it is pretty cool. But I can't understand what anything is (besides Philomena), and I can't draw connections to the stories you have listed.

I'm assuming the design choice was to have the other objects be pretty vague, but there has to be a balance. For example, let's take the big green mound. I'm assuming it is the mountain from "Ascension", but that is just a shot in the dark. You could put a pony-like figure on top of the mountain to solve this, but "that makes it obvious". There would be a pretty easy fix for that. Change the color of the mound to brown with black patches, and have some clouds hang above it. Is it "Golden Oaks" or the mountain from "Ascension"?

Again, this assumption is drawn from how vague the objects were. The big lesson of art (and writing) is learning how to get the viewer (or reader) to correctly infer your intent behind the piece. Art is a story with pictures, so it is natural that the two share the same ideals.

Anyways (I was going on a tangent, but that was a very important point), I will restate I like the piece, but you should make it a little clearer. Abstraction pieces work better when you blur the lines between connected things. Instead of making you viewers wonder what an object is, make them wonder which interpretation is correct. (Blur the lines, don't obscure.)
#21961 · 1
· on Drizzles the Firepony · >>Anonymous Potato
This is very impressive and I'm curious of how you made it. Do you use a reference or draw straight from your head? Either way, it is still good.

Compared to the other pieces, this is very simple. But sometimes simplicity is best. An artist needs to have balance, and needs to know when balance is needed. If too much is put into frame and it isn't balanced, then the piece fails.

I enjoy this piece, and if this what made by someone who submitted two pieces, then congrats. You managed to add two great pieces that didn't suffer any time constraint. You know what you are doing and I hope to see more art from you in the future.
#21960 · 1
· on τῇ καλλίστῃ · >>GroaningGreyAgony
"The forbidden fruit."

But seriously, this is very well crafted. There is a great balance here. Nothing fully stands out, and that is a good thing. I'm an artist as well (still training, but understands the basics) so I have a general understanding of how a piece should be composed. This piece is a good example, and one I will use in the future.
#21959 · 1
· on The Passing of the Torch · >>Bachiavellian
I agree with >>Bachiavellian for the most part. Celestia's proportions seem off, but having her original form is a good touch. You could improve your line work as well.

>>Bachiavellian I'm pretty sure that the sword is a Dark Souls reference. It looks like the sword from Dark Souls 3. The Dark Souls series is about Death and Rebirth, a cycle, and I think the artist drew parallels between the two.
#21871 · 1
· on Tempest's Choice
Ah, a good back stabbing. No, but seriously, this was a very well executed story. At first I was afraid this would ruin Tempest's character. I'm so glad to be wrong here. If anything, this story actually would strengthen her character. It explains why she became so rough and battle-worn. Honestly, I love the fact that you decided to build upon how Tempest fights "smarter, not harder" and only joined the Storm King just to get her horn back. I really can't see any flaws. So with that being said, I rate this "I love a good back-stabbing!"
#21870 ·
· on Demise Reprise · >>Chris
Ah, a dark comedy. The character portrayals, in my opinion, were spot on (exaggerated, but pretty spot on). The play with the plot armor was appreciated. That, and the other girls was sick of Rainbow's BS. Honestly, if this concept played out in any other genre, I honestly think it wouldn't work. It could be use for horror, but it has the most potential as a dark comedy. I really can find any fault's in the story, so good job! I would like to see other stories like this in the future.
#21869 · 1
· on Where There's Smoke · >>Bachiavellian
Overall, I think it is a great story. However, I do agree with Chris about adding an extra scene in-between Drizzles first fire and first loss. It's pretty jarring. But everything else? I thought you handled pretty well. Honestly, I wasn't aware of when the story took place, but that happened to help the twist. I hope to see another story like this.
#21868 · 1
· on Cleanse · >>Baal Bunny
Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this story. I think most of it came from the points that Chris made, that being that Pinkie lost her voice through the story. I like that concept that Pinkie can't be cheery all the time, but she is very emotional. If she isn't cheery, then it is very noticeable. Whether it be from her words or facial expressions. Pinkie wears her heart on her sleeve, so it is easy to tell how she feels about something.

Other than that, I do like you chose Rarity as the character that gets to see this side of Pinkie Pie. Rarity is a drama queen, but she knows the struggles of having to look like that you know what you are doing. In a sense, Rarity and Pinkie both wear a mask. Rarity is fine with taking it off, but Pinkie isn't. Truthfully, Rarity would be the only character to understand what Pinkie is going through. This left me with a bittersweet feeling. Mostly due to that I have been in Rarity's position., so it hit close to home.
#21867 ·
· on Ascension
I honestly didn't expect the "Seven Heavenly Virtues". This was done very well. I liked the concept that Celestia had to perform Buddhist Monk like exercises to purify herself. This came out of left field and I total enjoyed it. At first, I thought the realization that Celestia had a crush on Twilight had come out of nowhere. But after thinking it over, it makes sense why Celestia kept deciding to talk about Twilight. Overall, it was a real nice story.
#21866 ·
· on The Gift
This was very bittersweet, as I think it should be. Honestly, I gasped upon learning that the necklace belong to Applejack's father. I honestly believe if this was to happen it the show, this is how it would play out. Very well done.
Paging WIP