Let's see if I can make this happen.

>>CoffeeMinion

This would go on to become a recurring bit of feedback (more or less). For whatever reason, I don't see the problem. If you (or anyone) would be game for pointing it out, that would help me tweak things.

grey mottled dress not too far off her skin tone

This is what I missed. I have a bad habit of occasionally skimming even my favorite stories. If a critical line is in the middle of a paragraph there's a chance I might miss it. I did catch that she was blonde, but I didn't make the rest of the connections. Ironically, I do remember the dress, but for some reason, I don't remember the "not too far off from her skin tone."

Honestly, I thought this story should have done far better than it did. For my slate, I actually ranked this at the top. I am a sucker for Sunset and AUs, but more than anything, I just went totally nuts over the voice. I could hear the character in my head, narrating this whole thing.

So if I launched you out on a happy note, take it! I still stand by this was one of my favorites I read this round. :)

Make sure you get this in for Jake's contest! I want to read the final version and I think it'll do great. Hell, when I first read it, I was like "whelp, so much for my entry."

>>billymorph
Side note, how old is Marble anyway? From the show I guessed she's the youngest child but if Pinkie's in highschool then she's got to be low teens, which does make the relationship a lot harder to swallow.

">>Xepher
"The little sister you’ve never even thought of..." but who she just kissed. Who's now looking at her chest and blushing. The underage thing here is squicky.


Marble is Pinkie's twin sister. Stated in "Hearthbreakers."

Pinkie Pie: This is Marble Pie, my baby sister who's only a few minutes younger than me but she'll always be a baby to me, isn't that right?

So I totally screwed up and set this to Anonymous instead of me.

>>Fenton
Yeah, I'm terrible with a pen. All of these assets were pre-created. I did the coloring, effects and stylization. While the sun was created using a generator, it was one of those generators with way too many options, so that one did take way too much work to get right! Thank you!

>>GroaningGreyAgony
I ended up using some pre-rendered gemstones on a white background I had to remove. Since I couldn't find a vector that I liked, it ended up far more jagged than I realized. So yeah, definite disconnect.

>>Super_Trampoline
I'd love to hear it, more just to laugh my tail off at whatever she said.

>>The_Letter_J
Secret: that stream is actually a recolored MLP dead tree vector. Heh. The concept I was trying to originally go with was the sun first flowing into the top crystals and then into the bottom. Didn't quite work the way I wanted it to.

>>Rao
I'm glad someone noticed! It ended up being more subtle than I wanted it to, but I was trying to amplify the crystallization concept.
Also, I love that you put extra meaning to the "sixth." And the "extra love."

It's almost like I knew what I was doing!

(I didn't. No clue.)

But hey, I inspired some really cool stories, so I'll take that as a win!

Phew, I'm out of practice being able to parse Shakespeare or Shakesdeere. I forgot just how hard it is to get through it, but you nailed the vibe brilliantly.

I'm really not sure what to think of this story. I loved the characters. Pomade and Garland were both brilliantly done. I admit, I loved Garland's sultry vibe and the back and forth between them. That was simply magnificent. Luna's characterization was also spot-on. The characters really drove the story for this. However... I can't help but feel a little let down by the ending. What bugs me is I can't put my finger on why.

It could very easily be that I only got five hours of sleep and tried to read this first thing in the morning. Just... a pony with the amount of pride (come on, he's basically being a jackass--literally, nice touch, by the way--to the freaking Princess of the Night) being able to be convinced of anything from one dream sequences seems a bit of a stretch. Or maybe this story just needs a longer denouement. I'm realizing just how short that is and it could use a bit more conversation between the two, especially considering how much Luna and Pomade got into it.

And maybe I just want to see a bit more shipping because of all the shipping entries in this story, even if it's shipping two OCs and I'm a hopeless romantic. :P

Well... that ended in a supremely disturbing fashion.

Now, it's quite possible that this story is just soaring right over my head, but let's hit the good stuff first. First of all, the characterization was bang-on. Nothing sells me on a story better than getting character voices right. And you did that. Character interactions were also solid, so fantastic job there.

However, a couple things overshadow these wonderful elements. First of all, the concept that simply by dreaming differently, ponies will result in physical transformations. Now, if that power had come from Discord, I could have bought it, but it was pretty expressly stated that it didn't. So the idea that ponies were transforming, ascending, or what-have-you just didn't sit right with me.

Now, I'm sure there's logic to Twilight's dream and I can see the hints of it, but I'm just going to chalk that one up to not being the best at seeing through deeply layered metaphor and give that one a pass.

More than anything though, the ending ends up as this horrific specter looming up over the entire story. I liked the concept that it wasn't archtypes that bound ponies together, but the reverse. That was a brilliant little twist. However, the idea that Twilight suddenly has the ability to petrify Discord using the power of the sun seems like a major break. Now, maybe that's simply because they've transformed into something different, but I wasn't sold on it. (Still, Starlight's line is especially good here).

But dammit, you had to end with that line. That horrible, horrible line. I'm going to be having nightmares of this for weeks.

...and looking over this comment, I realize that you could easily see this as a complete and total win for what you may have been trying to accomplish. I am truly horrified by this story, but I still think it takes too many liberties that it hasn't earned.

Huh. interesting idea, though the ending felt rather unsatisfying considering the sheer amount of build up to her on a train thinking. You've got the self-fulfilling prophecy problem, which is always a fun one, especially for a mind like Twilight's. We've got a return of Zecora's temporal memory spell (though it felt like some liberties were taken there). I was expecting more of a reaction to the fact that the dang cutie map has appeared before!

I'm not sure if this is meant to be self-contained or the beginning of a grand adventure. If it's the beginning, I'm interested (though some work needs to be done on Twilight's characterization and speech patterns). If it's self-contained... I just need a little more to get me there. As it stands, it's a good beginning to something potentially really cool.

I'll admit I'm confused as heck, especially for the last two letters being "blank." Epistolary stories could work here, but I don't see much in the way of a coherent theme. It's as if somepony at Equestrian Royal Mail decided to wander through a bunch of random letters. Or if there is a theme... it went right over my head.

Ending the "story" on the letter to Spike was also a radically different change in attitude and style that left me with a sour taste. While I can see you're trying to show a gambit, that's not a great note to end on since it's so hateful it overshadows everything else.

I have a feeling that you may have simply ran out of time. If that's the case, I'd be curious to see what the complete version of this story would be.

The glimmer of an interesting story with the memories of Luna's background, but the plot just doesn't fly all that well to me. We have both vampire bats and vampire ponies. And the simple fact that Luna created them when she was Nightmare Moon was too easy. While seeing the dragons was a nice touch, it came at the last moment. This felt like a story trying to be a horror story without actually going into horror. It needs quite a bit of polish and a bit more thought about the setting. If you want to play the vampire card, have Snake Charm be terrified the entire time, believing the place to be cursed. See ancient watchtowers. Bones. Something. Give the atmosphere a more foreboding sense.

The characters also need a bit of work. Celestia and Luna didn't feel like themselves. Plus the idea of Celestia keeping the world's sun up just to save them all... down that road lies madness. Creatures across the world would panic. That aspect needs some work, but I think that can be handled by Celestia having to maintain a miniature sun above the group at all times (a bit like Pitch Dark, if you remember that... perhaps that was what you were going for). However, the effort continues to be more a lot more taxing, especially at night and then it finally fails right at midnight. (Having a belltower go off would be perfect narrative causality).

Also, take a closer look at your formatting. The spacing issues kept knocking me out of the narrative.

There's some flaws in the premise, but with some reworking and retooling of the storyline and the characters, this could turn into an intense, nail-driven survival story.

That being said, bonus points for using Raven. I'm glad it's been established that she's not an OC as in a previous WriteOff (yes, this salt is wonderful on my pretzel, thanks for asking.)

So... what's with this round and having stories that aren't actually stories?

I was laughing my tail off for most of this, but... it's not actually a story! I really want it to be one too! Just because of that, it's going to have to take a hit in my rating, even though I hate doing it. I really did love this thing.

The real question is how well has this been playtested, because I actually want to play this game right freaking now.

By the way, I object. Sunset Shimmer things can be sent to me too, you know. Jeez. Oroboro gets all the fun.

Completely and wholly unexpected, but delightful at the same time. While I tend to dislike any story that crosses Equestria with humanity (aside from EqG), I found I didn't mind in the end. The wonder of the dreamscape and the lessons on working with the stuff of the night were delightful. This felt very much like it was told from Luna's perspective and that type of narrative made it wonderfully unique (at least to me).

I wonder... it might add some mystery to remove the mention of the "visitor's" form and simply have Luna remark that they are curious looking. It might be a good challenge, especially with the short combat scene, to never actually describe what the being looks like in form. Allowing the reader to place any creature into that position might give it an even greater otherwordly vibe.

Wonderful entry and thoroughly enjoyed.

Wow. Just... wow. The narration was spot on for Troubleshoes. Seriously, I'm blown away by this. I loved it. I loved the mystery surrounding who we eventually find out is Blueblood. I admit I actually missed who the love interest was at the very beginning. I missed a single word and it slipped by me until I went back at the end.

But the whole idea of the EqG world transformed into a wild west-style location after the Friendship Games (I'm guessing Sunset didn't manage to completely stop SciTwi). That was a great twist I never saw coming. I really wanted to find out more about this world. And since I suspect this is for Jake's contest, I do hope this gets expanded just a bit more. After all, it sounds like Sunset was the only survivor, though that could be because of her Ascendant form while the rest of the girls didn't have that kind of magic.

Definitely top tier here on narration alone. But add in some cute shipping and an alternate timeline with Sunset Shimmer as the single one keeping what's left of Canterlot alive? Hook, line and sinker. Great job!

Impressive. Gem was creepy yet sad yet... a dozen other things I can't place. Marble was sweet and cute (as a button) and definitely came across as living through her sister. Limestone was... well, Limestone. She freaks me out no matter what form she's in. And Sunset was classically Sunset.

The mindscape scene felt a bit... odd. There needs to be more there (Though I'm not sure what). But that's something that can be expanded upon.

That aside, I'm sold on the ship. When's the wedding?

I love world-building. Especially when it comes to magic systems. It comes from being a diehard Brandon Sanderson fan. That being said, the appendix at the end of his novels regarding the properties of his magical systems aren't stories. They're supplements to the stories. It's still fiction, but it's not a narrative.

It's the same thing with this document. While I get the faintest hint of there being a story involved, it's only at the very edge of visibility. I'm afraid to say that this simply doesn't work for me. It feels like someone just messing around and doesn't really fit with my admittedly limited knowledge of WriteOff stories.

If this is part of a greater tale, more power to you, but I'm having trouble seeing past the fact that I'm reading an instruction booklet and not a story.

>>AndrewRogue
This is actually really entertaining. Thanks for this.

>>The_Letter_J
Can't imagine why Celestia would be on people's minds... :ajlie:

And slides in with 4 hours remaining after being way too distracted by epic melodrama of Monochromatic and Albinocorn...

I have a novel in heavy editing, a game project, family and a dozen other things going on.

Why have I already decided to do this? I need a dang intervention.

>>AndrewRogue

(Also a very brief temptation to USE ALL CAPS, but I restrained myself.)

I normally would be all for that... but this is Death we're talking about. He looks at the rules of the universe and says "BUCK THAT. I'M DEATH. I DO WHAT I WANT!"

>>wYvern Perfect! That dovetails with my revision of moving that conflict to the beginning of the story.

(All the cool kids are doing this, so might as well try it out.)

Well, for a first-time Writeoff, Path did a hell of a lot better than I expected. Frankly, I was really looking forward to the end of the Prelims so I could put this thing to bed. The very last thing I expected was to making it to the freaking Finals. Especially since a personal bombshell hit me a day before this entire thing started, one I’m still reeling from. Like... life-shaking sort of thing. I’m shocked it came out coherent at all. That weekend was a nightmare in more ways than I can say.

Let’s get the basics out of the way: this concept was not suited for a Writeoff. This was a story that needed way more time than I could afford to give it. In fact, I would have likely done some sort of Philomena story instead, but I wasn’t about to do that Cigar thing. I like Philomena too much to do that to her. But then I stumbled across “A Thousand Years” image and it just screamed for me to tell that story. Then I did what I usually do: discovery write the entire thing with a vague idea of where I wanted to go.

The truth is, I had this idea bouncing around in my head for a while as a sequence of four stories, each from a different race other than ponies. Zecora was the one I wanted to end on… but… well, she was also the only one I had a fleshed out story for without a ton of worldbuilding.

So yeah, all I ended up doing for Zecora’s speech patterns was using a low-tier online rhyming dictionary, and I focused on the last word. This was the first story I’ve done where I didn’t have time to do my standard audible edit, and of course, it’s the story that needed that the most. All I had to do was read the dang thing out loud and I would have been able to fix probably 70-80% of the problems. But… I wasn’t able to.

>>FrontSevens

You seemed to set the tone, ironically. A lot of people just went meh. I’m curious where was the point you stopped reading though. And I wasn’t expecting anyone to tell me a story of mine was “too rich.” I'm actually honored by that!

As for Zecora’s combat… that was an issue I knew going in. I didn’t see Zecora fighting a timberwolf in the traditional manner, and I wanted to stick with the idea I have about timberwolves being feral earth spirits. To stick with the shamanistic style, she wouldn’t fight such things head-on. And the “Catnap Elixir” felt like a cheat… but honestly? I didn’t quite know how to solve that (especially in the word count allotted), but I needed something to highlight the conflict. Hm. Might be worth maybe moving the Zebra fight to the beginning.

>>Posh

Oh. So that's what "the stars will aid her escape" meant.

There’s got to have been stories that have dealt with this before, I just haven’t come across them, but lately that line has been in my head.

(also, hey, it's Starswirl! Not that it matters, really, but... it's Starswirl. Yay?)

Yeah. He needed to be handled differently. I’m not even sure I knew who he was when I first put the figure there.

I also feel like Zecora's rhyming was of inconsistent quality, which is... just one of the hazards of dealing with a whimsical rhyming zebra, I suppose.

...stupid rhyming Zebras.

>>Fenton; >>Posh  - Raven

Dubs pointed it out, but just wanted to make sure it was addressed. Raven is indeed Celestia’s aide (or at least one of them). She’s been a favorite of mine since SaintChoc’s Raven, which pretty much permanently cemented her in my mind as an aide. I’ve thought about her like that for so long, it never even occurred to me that some might not know who she is.

The only catch is I’m not quite sure how to fix that within the confines of the story.

>>Fenton Thank you! Before this comment, I was starting to regret writing the whole thing. :P

>>wYvern What was that thing that engaged you late in the story?

“Eee? Core? Ah?”

This was really cute, though.

Yay! I’m glad folks liked this. I personally thought it was adorable… but what I think and what is isn’t always the same (hell, it’s rarely the same).

>>Rao Thank you! I’m glad I got a few comments. This story really jived for some… really didn’t for others! Well, I guess strong reactions one way or another is good, right?

>>Dubs_Rewatcher Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

>>TheCyanRecluse

I love the way each flashback and labeled, and each one moves backward in time, while the story moves forward.

This was actually a lot of fun. I did several translations into Swahili (and made sure to translate it back and forth to be sure it was the right word) and stayed with that theme, as the words Brenda M. Crichlow used in “Bridle Gossip” were based loosely on the language (since they couldn’t get a translator/coach in there to do it properly). I also have no idea where I came up with the idea for going backward and forward at the same time. Just happened.

>>horizon

Author: I'm afraid that, as a poetry snob, I'm going to have to be the grumpy dissenter here.

The moment I read this, I went “Aw crap. I’m screwed.” I have confessed my sins. Seeing you outdo me in the comment was a painful lesson. You win, you win! ^^;

>>AndrewRogue

I was surprised you didn’t figure out that I wrote it when I asked you about it the other night. ^^;

Anyway, just saying thanks for good feedback (and it was all really solid feedback). I have learned one very important lesson: stay the hell away from Zecora for Writeoffs. And thank you again for being charitable enough to rate this into the finals!

I wanted to add a second comment here. I ended up reading this last night and the story keeps coming back to me more than any other story in this Writeoff. Now, that may be because I get a little weird with reality-rewriting stories (especially when it comes to someone themselves being rewritten, even if it's ultimately a good thing). But I think it's a the mark of a good author and a good story if the story stays with you and continues to affect you on an emotional/mental level long after the story is completed. So a second well-done by me. This one definitely earned a spot on the top of my list.

While it was a little amusing... there's little in the way of actual story here. We don't get to find out what actually happened to the cello. We don't find out what Octavia did in Canterlot (though that's not strictly required) and the ending... wasn't really an ending. The cello was fixed. There's... just not a lot there.

A couple voice things. Rainbow and Rarity were done pretty well, Vinyl felt uninspired and Octavia didn't give a sense of refinement at all. I think with a lot of polish and some more thought to the story, it could indeed be made serviceable.

I was fairly amused. I didn't see the actual character coming, so win for you there. It was amusing, it was silly and it was exactly what the picture called for. However, I felt somewhat cheated for not getting an in-depth description of their costumes. That's par for the course for this kind of thing! Come on!

Entertaining and cracked.

The ending though? Too out of left field. Fluttershy didn't appear once. I don't mind there being a Discord scene, but there needs to be a bit more to make that work. Like him going back to his house and calling up the villain to yell at him or something.

Oh for the love of Celestia, Luna and anypony else...

I was amused. I was quite actually amused from start to finish. I'm slightly ashamed of that, but here we are. What can you do about it? It's amusing comedy, a tiny bit of fun with the Pie Family and absolutely every Evil Overlord Trope in existence (Dr. Evil has already filed for a lawsuit, by the way. And Evil one).

Entertaining... and completely cracked.