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The Path of Vengence
Father Tilly sighed in relief when he spotted the red headed figure saddling his horse on the Fairheart homestead. Theodore Fairheart's flaming red hair was as recognizable as ever. And it wasn't as if anyone else was likely to be out here. Not since the funeral a week past. The elderly priest whispered a quick thanks to God and quickened his pace.
He might yet have time to prevent another tragedy.
“Good afternoon, Father.” Theodore's voice was cordial enough, but his eyes remained on the task at hand.
“Good afternoon, Theodore.” Father Tilly replied, taking a moment to regain the breath he'd lost in his haste.
“You know you can call me Ted, Father.” Theodore grunted, tugging a strap tight.
“Oh, but I'll always remember you as a little four year old, insisting everyone use his full name.” Father Tilly smiled fondly in reminiscence. Thoedore did not.
“That was a long time ago, Father.”
“Indeed it was.” The priest sighed, his eyes drifting across the gray stallion the younger man was preparing. The crossbow strapped to the saddlebags did not escape his notice. Nor the well worn sword on his hip.
“Going out hunting today, are you? Deer perhaps? Or rabbit?” He asked hopefully.
“Something like that.” Came the rough reply. “I'm meeting with a few friends to take care of some vermin.”
Tilly closed his eyes and sighed.
“Please my son, is this really the path you wish to follow? Do you really want more bloodshed?” He begged, his eyes filled with sadness and hope.
“I want justice.” Came the cool reply as Theodore checked his saddlebags.
“Are you sure it is justice you seek? And not just revenge?”
“Conveniently enough Father, they're one and the same in this case.”
The priest let out a heartfelt sigh.
“Son, what happened to your parents was a tragedy. Lord Coulson's men have grown a bit… restless these last few years. And God knows there's no excuse for them being so… rough in collecting the Lord's taxes. But be that as it may, it is God's place to punish them. Not ours.”
“Then I shall arrange for them to meet him.”
Father Tilly grimaced and looked away. He prayed for the words that would sway his young charge, but no celestial inspiration was forthcoming. Still, he pressed on.
“I'm certain that if they had know you were a Ranger, they'd have left your parents alone...”
“And moved on to some other hapless family to harass.” Theodore growled. He turned to glare at the priest, his eyes hard and cold as he berated his elder. “Do you even hear yourself speak? My family would have been safe, if only the Lord's men knew to fear my wrath? That is the measure of protection offered by his Lordship? Could there be a more damning indictment of a nobleman?”
Finding himself unable to bear the weight of those cold, distant eyes, Father Tilly looked away.
“Four years, Father. Four years I spent with the Rangers. Four years on the Border with my brothers in arms, fighting and bleeding and dying to keep the monsters at bay. To keep our homes safe.” Theodore's voice was dark and heavy with menace.
“And now I return home to find monsters here, wearing the faces of nobles, employing thugs and brutes as men-at-arms? Harassing, abusing, murdering those they are oathsworn to protect?” Anger and hate burned in his eyes, but his voice was colder than the winds that came across the frozen lake in winter.
“No, Father. I will not stand for that.”
With one last check of his sword, he set his foot into the stirrup. And Father Tilly made on last attempt to prevent the bloodshed that was to come. He forced himself to meet Theodore's eyes, thinking back to when they were bright and warm and eager, not the cold, hard, jaded orbs he saw now.
“My son, they say that he who walks the path of vengeance should first dig two graves.” Tilly spoke somberly. “One for his enemy. And one for himself.”
Theodore pulled himself into the saddle, then looked down at the village priest. And there was no sign of that happy little boy in his visage.
“Father, we're going to need a lot more than two graves by the time I'm done.” And with a crack of the reigns, he was gone.
Father Tilly lowered his head and blinked back tears. He'd been too late after all.
Far, far too late.
He might yet have time to prevent another tragedy.
“Good afternoon, Father.” Theodore's voice was cordial enough, but his eyes remained on the task at hand.
“Good afternoon, Theodore.” Father Tilly replied, taking a moment to regain the breath he'd lost in his haste.
“You know you can call me Ted, Father.” Theodore grunted, tugging a strap tight.
“Oh, but I'll always remember you as a little four year old, insisting everyone use his full name.” Father Tilly smiled fondly in reminiscence. Thoedore did not.
“That was a long time ago, Father.”
“Indeed it was.” The priest sighed, his eyes drifting across the gray stallion the younger man was preparing. The crossbow strapped to the saddlebags did not escape his notice. Nor the well worn sword on his hip.
“Going out hunting today, are you? Deer perhaps? Or rabbit?” He asked hopefully.
“Something like that.” Came the rough reply. “I'm meeting with a few friends to take care of some vermin.”
Tilly closed his eyes and sighed.
“Please my son, is this really the path you wish to follow? Do you really want more bloodshed?” He begged, his eyes filled with sadness and hope.
“I want justice.” Came the cool reply as Theodore checked his saddlebags.
“Are you sure it is justice you seek? And not just revenge?”
“Conveniently enough Father, they're one and the same in this case.”
The priest let out a heartfelt sigh.
“Son, what happened to your parents was a tragedy. Lord Coulson's men have grown a bit… restless these last few years. And God knows there's no excuse for them being so… rough in collecting the Lord's taxes. But be that as it may, it is God's place to punish them. Not ours.”
“Then I shall arrange for them to meet him.”
Father Tilly grimaced and looked away. He prayed for the words that would sway his young charge, but no celestial inspiration was forthcoming. Still, he pressed on.
“I'm certain that if they had know you were a Ranger, they'd have left your parents alone...”
“And moved on to some other hapless family to harass.” Theodore growled. He turned to glare at the priest, his eyes hard and cold as he berated his elder. “Do you even hear yourself speak? My family would have been safe, if only the Lord's men knew to fear my wrath? That is the measure of protection offered by his Lordship? Could there be a more damning indictment of a nobleman?”
Finding himself unable to bear the weight of those cold, distant eyes, Father Tilly looked away.
“Four years, Father. Four years I spent with the Rangers. Four years on the Border with my brothers in arms, fighting and bleeding and dying to keep the monsters at bay. To keep our homes safe.” Theodore's voice was dark and heavy with menace.
“And now I return home to find monsters here, wearing the faces of nobles, employing thugs and brutes as men-at-arms? Harassing, abusing, murdering those they are oathsworn to protect?” Anger and hate burned in his eyes, but his voice was colder than the winds that came across the frozen lake in winter.
“No, Father. I will not stand for that.”
With one last check of his sword, he set his foot into the stirrup. And Father Tilly made on last attempt to prevent the bloodshed that was to come. He forced himself to meet Theodore's eyes, thinking back to when they were bright and warm and eager, not the cold, hard, jaded orbs he saw now.
“My son, they say that he who walks the path of vengeance should first dig two graves.” Tilly spoke somberly. “One for his enemy. And one for himself.”
Theodore pulled himself into the saddle, then looked down at the village priest. And there was no sign of that happy little boy in his visage.
“Father, we're going to need a lot more than two graves by the time I'm done.” And with a crack of the reigns, he was gone.
Father Tilly lowered his head and blinked back tears. He'd been too late after all.
Far, far too late.
First on my slate of stories to read! Not quite sure how I feel about it. On the upsides, it's very tightly scripted, makes good use of the length, has solid dialogue, projects the situation well, has understandable characterization, and is generally rock-solid as far as execution goes On the downside though, not much really happens. The arguments presented aren't new or interesting, and the situation isn't strongly relateable.
Roughly I'd give it an 8/10, but I guess it would be fair to say this story will probably be the highest ranked story on my slate after those with concepts that actually grab me. It was a great writing exercise, but I wouldn't call it engaging.
Roughly I'd give it an 8/10, but I guess it would be fair to say this story will probably be the highest ranked story on my slate after those with concepts that actually grab me. It was a great writing exercise, but I wouldn't call it engaging.
I dunno. I feel like you did a good job of crafting an implied backstory, and the conflict you've got here could definitely be a compelling one. Unfortunately, I didn't find it very immersive because it never seemed like Tilly could seriously affect what was going down. He either needs better arguments, or he needs to actually do something instead of just trying platitudes.
I mean, I doubt you've intentionally written him as a strawman, but that's how he came across to me. Picking up the flaws in his 'arguments' wasn't very tricky. And that proverb at the end... I mean, if the guy knows what fighting means, then telling him 'there's a good chance you'll die' is basically not going to change anything.
On the whole, I think your structure and mechanics are pretty sound. One of the characters is pretty good. The other one, though... I just can't take him seriously with how he's written.
I mean, I doubt you've intentionally written him as a strawman, but that's how he came across to me. Picking up the flaws in his 'arguments' wasn't very tricky. And that proverb at the end... I mean, if the guy knows what fighting means, then telling him 'there's a good chance you'll die' is basically not going to change anything.
On the whole, I think your structure and mechanics are pretty sound. One of the characters is pretty good. The other one, though... I just can't take him seriously with how he's written.
It's interesting because it shows that, well, sometimes nothing will deter one to claim their right to vengeance, no matter what. There's a sense of implacability here.
On the other hand, we only get glimpses of the background story, and that leaves fundamental questions unanswered, especially why exactly Theodore's parents have been killed. What happened? And how nobles could use henchmen to dispatch the parents of what seems to be a valiant soldier.
Without any further elements casting some light on this, the story feels incomplete. There's a piece missing in the puzzle, and the resulting void clearly stymies the comprehension. In other words, we're presented with the consequence, but we do not get to really know the cause.
On the other hand, we only get glimpses of the background story, and that leaves fundamental questions unanswered, especially why exactly Theodore's parents have been killed. What happened? And how nobles could use henchmen to dispatch the parents of what seems to be a valiant soldier.
Without any further elements casting some light on this, the story feels incomplete. There's a piece missing in the puzzle, and the resulting void clearly stymies the comprehension. In other words, we're presented with the consequence, but we do not get to really know the cause.
Nitpick: the word "Lord" gets somewhat overloaded here given that you have a priest (of an apparently monotheistic, Christian-like religion) talking about a noble's men.
Honestly, I braced for the worst coming into this with a misspelled title. Relieved to report that that was not the case. The prose felt pretty clean, and Ted's dialogue was sharp. As others have noted, the major sin here is that this felt awfully generic. Part of that is running down the standard fantasy trope checklist (lone hero out for vengeance, dead parents, evil lord, peaceful priest, etc) without any notable subversions or unusual elements, but what others have pointed out about the priest's almost-strawman ineffectiveness is a major element too.
The core arc of your story is basically "guy outlines good reasons for revenge; priest says he shouldn't with vague moral platitudes and/or warnings of a price guy has already decided to pay; guy does it anyway". If Ted had been faced with an actual cost to his decision, one that would have represented a sacrifice to him -- such as, maybe his sister's still alive, and if he goes out for revenge the lord's men will kill her too -- then that choice provides compelling stakes and a climax. Alternatively, if Tilly's failure to convince Ted causes a crisis of faith, and we get to watch his internal struggle over why his moral platitudes were useless in the face of Ted's justified anger, then we could shift to a climax about Tilly's character arc. But right now we don't see either of those things and so there's nothing at stake here.
Tier: Almost There
Honestly, I braced for the worst coming into this with a misspelled title. Relieved to report that that was not the case. The prose felt pretty clean, and Ted's dialogue was sharp. As others have noted, the major sin here is that this felt awfully generic. Part of that is running down the standard fantasy trope checklist (lone hero out for vengeance, dead parents, evil lord, peaceful priest, etc) without any notable subversions or unusual elements, but what others have pointed out about the priest's almost-strawman ineffectiveness is a major element too.
The core arc of your story is basically "guy outlines good reasons for revenge; priest says he shouldn't with vague moral platitudes and/or warnings of a price guy has already decided to pay; guy does it anyway". If Ted had been faced with an actual cost to his decision, one that would have represented a sacrifice to him -- such as, maybe his sister's still alive, and if he goes out for revenge the lord's men will kill her too -- then that choice provides compelling stakes and a climax. Alternatively, if Tilly's failure to convince Ted causes a crisis of faith, and we get to watch his internal struggle over why his moral platitudes were useless in the face of Ted's justified anger, then we could shift to a climax about Tilly's character arc. But right now we don't see either of those things and so there's nothing at stake here.
Tier: Almost There
Going to have to echo horizon here, though I think I would rate this one a bit more highly than he.
Misspelled title aside, this story falls into that dreaded "well-written, but..." category we all hate to use when reviewing. The prose was smooth, dialogue fine but abit corny, descriptions nicely evocative. But as horizon mentioned, this story doesn't try anything new. All of these characters are straight from Central Casting, there's no attempt at subversion, and it feels like I've read this book before -- several times.
Stepping back, I get the impression this was written by a talented writer who just didn't get the idea he wanted, so he (or she) just went with straight quality prose and is hoping for the best.
Misspelled title aside, this story falls into that dreaded "well-written, but..." category we all hate to use when reviewing. The prose was smooth, dialogue fine but abit corny, descriptions nicely evocative. But as horizon mentioned, this story doesn't try anything new. All of these characters are straight from Central Casting, there's no attempt at subversion, and it feels like I've read this book before -- several times.
Stepping back, I get the impression this was written by a talented writer who just didn't get the idea he wanted, so he (or she) just went with straight quality prose and is hoping for the best.
Enjoyed - The Path of Vengeance — A+ — Extremely good characterization of the priest, who in stories such as this is a voice of peace and submission to authority, even when said authority is unjust. Quite good work on the ranger too, who is about to remind those who pillage the beehive that they must occasionally deal with an enraged bee. I liked it. Not sure if it will hit the finals, but it should.
The Great
Competently written (odd title error aside).
The Rough
The story doesn't quite sell well enough on it's concept, but I'm not sure which part is the problem. There are really two ways to go about this: really sell the priest's faith or really sell the error of Ted's way. Neither really happens here. The former miiiiiiight be a reader problem (turn the other cheek in all circumstances for the non-faithful is a hard sell), the latter could be fixed a bit by making things a little less overtly evil. Like, revenge or not, Ted feels pretty in the right here. These dudes are pretty clearly a problem.
Honestly, it might be more interesting to take the complete reverse of your story concept: the priest is forced to question his faith in the presence of such evil.
Competently written (odd title error aside).
The Rough
The story doesn't quite sell well enough on it's concept, but I'm not sure which part is the problem. There are really two ways to go about this: really sell the priest's faith or really sell the error of Ted's way. Neither really happens here. The former miiiiiiight be a reader problem (turn the other cheek in all circumstances for the non-faithful is a hard sell), the latter could be fixed a bit by making things a little less overtly evil. Like, revenge or not, Ted feels pretty in the right here. These dudes are pretty clearly a problem.
Honestly, it might be more interesting to take the complete reverse of your story concept: the priest is forced to question his faith in the presence of such evil.