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A Simple Task
Simon lay in the hospital bed too afraid to move. It had been a bad night... no, it had been a terrifyingly dreadful night! Everything that could gave gone wrong had done so, and the worst was yet to come. This was supposed to be a simple burglary, a quick in and out, instead—
The power suddenly went out, filling the room with a series of electronic screams. Simon gritted his teeth. Of course this would happen! He really was hoping to be out of the hospital today, although knowing his luck that seemed unlikely. And all this for a single lousy feather!
There was a knock on the door. Seconds later it freaked open, letting a rather skinny asian woman in. To call her unbeautiful would be unfair, to call her human—double so.
"Hello, Simon," she said softly. As her words sounded power was restored to the room. "I see you're doing well... considering."
"You bitch!" Simon hissed, biting his tongue in the process. "You didn't tell me there was a misfortune hound there!"
"I warned you it would be protected." She looked around, then pulled the only unbroken chair and sat down.
"But a misfortune hound?!" Simon instinctively reached fir his mouth. As expected he had managed to cut his tongue and now his mouth was filling with blood. "Do you know what I've been through? The alarm went off before I even got to it. Some idiot showed up, fired a warning shot in the air, which got the chandelier crashing on me. I lost my gear while—"
"That's what happens when misfortune dogs bite you," the woman said with a snide. "Let me have a look."
With one brisk action she pulled back the lower part of the blanket, then—before Simon could protest—unceremoniously pulled up his pajamas and began staring at his legs. At first glance they seemed like normal legs: straight, slightly hairy, with a few old scars near the left angle. For those who could see, though, there was more. Bite marks, invisible to the human eye were scattered round the left calf, each was marking a week of misfortune.
"Well?" Simon tried to move up to see what was going on. "How is it?"
"Bad," the woman said. Instantly the bed gave in, causing Simon to fall a few inches towards the floor. "Three months bad luck. At least."
"Just great!" Simon groaned. Of course it had to be a few months. It couldn't have been just a scratch.
"The hound got you good. It almost reached the bone." The woman leaned back and shook her head. "I did warn you. You remember this, tight? It wasn't just me imagining things."
"Yeah, yeah." You did mention a word of warning, just as you do every time. And each time you skip the details! "Can you fix it?"
"Hmm." The woman tapped her nose with her index finger. "Maybe. Would be expensive, though. Quite expensive. Did you get the feather?"
"I did," Simon said. The woman's eyes widened her lips curving in a content smile. "But I lost it as the ambulance was driving me here," he sighed.
"Of course," she let snorted. "At least he doesn't have it anymore. I guess that counts for something..." The woman stood up over him like a vicious predator. "I'll heal your misfortune." Her smile widened. "However, you'll do something for me. A word of warning, it might be more tricky than it seems..."
The power suddenly went out, filling the room with a series of electronic screams. Simon gritted his teeth. Of course this would happen! He really was hoping to be out of the hospital today, although knowing his luck that seemed unlikely. And all this for a single lousy feather!
There was a knock on the door. Seconds later it freaked open, letting a rather skinny asian woman in. To call her unbeautiful would be unfair, to call her human—double so.
"Hello, Simon," she said softly. As her words sounded power was restored to the room. "I see you're doing well... considering."
"You bitch!" Simon hissed, biting his tongue in the process. "You didn't tell me there was a misfortune hound there!"
"I warned you it would be protected." She looked around, then pulled the only unbroken chair and sat down.
"But a misfortune hound?!" Simon instinctively reached fir his mouth. As expected he had managed to cut his tongue and now his mouth was filling with blood. "Do you know what I've been through? The alarm went off before I even got to it. Some idiot showed up, fired a warning shot in the air, which got the chandelier crashing on me. I lost my gear while—"
"That's what happens when misfortune dogs bite you," the woman said with a snide. "Let me have a look."
With one brisk action she pulled back the lower part of the blanket, then—before Simon could protest—unceremoniously pulled up his pajamas and began staring at his legs. At first glance they seemed like normal legs: straight, slightly hairy, with a few old scars near the left angle. For those who could see, though, there was more. Bite marks, invisible to the human eye were scattered round the left calf, each was marking a week of misfortune.
"Well?" Simon tried to move up to see what was going on. "How is it?"
"Bad," the woman said. Instantly the bed gave in, causing Simon to fall a few inches towards the floor. "Three months bad luck. At least."
"Just great!" Simon groaned. Of course it had to be a few months. It couldn't have been just a scratch.
"The hound got you good. It almost reached the bone." The woman leaned back and shook her head. "I did warn you. You remember this, tight? It wasn't just me imagining things."
"Yeah, yeah." You did mention a word of warning, just as you do every time. And each time you skip the details! "Can you fix it?"
"Hmm." The woman tapped her nose with her index finger. "Maybe. Would be expensive, though. Quite expensive. Did you get the feather?"
"I did," Simon said. The woman's eyes widened her lips curving in a content smile. "But I lost it as the ambulance was driving me here," he sighed.
"Of course," she let snorted. "At least he doesn't have it anymore. I guess that counts for something..." The woman stood up over him like a vicious predator. "I'll heal your misfortune." Her smile widened. "However, you'll do something for me. A word of warning, it might be more tricky than it seems..."
Hmm. Interesting peek into a strange world.
I enjoy weird fantasy, and this sorta qualifies. However, it's a little clunky in places and it doesn't really have much of a climax/resolution.
It's like a scene from a longer book. A book I might well enjoy reading, for sure, but there's not enough here for me to really get behind it.
I enjoy weird fantasy, and this sorta qualifies. However, it's a little clunky in places and it doesn't really have much of a climax/resolution.
It's like a scene from a longer book. A book I might well enjoy reading, for sure, but there's not enough here for me to really get behind it.
Seconds later it freaked open
the woman said with a snide
You remember this, tight?
It looks like Autocorrect was especially cruel to you, author. Reading through the story after you submit it is always a good idea.
I can't say that the opening here is doing you any favors:
Simon lay in the hospital bed too afraid to move. It had been a bad night... no, it had been a terrifyingly dreadful night! Everything that could gave gone wrong had done so, and the worst was yet to come. This was supposed to be a simple burglary, a quick in and out, instead—
The power suddenly went out, filling the room with a series of electronic screams. Simon gritted his teeth. Of course this would happen! He really was hoping to be out of the hospital today, although knowing his luck that seemed unlikely. And all this for a single lousy feather!
The majority of this is tell-heavy exposition -- and worse, a lot of it is redundant with what you're already showing us. "Everything that could gave gone wrong had done so, and the worst was yet to come" in particular deflates a lot of the specific instances of bad luck that we see around him, since you're using those to build up to a revelation. Even more so with "knowing his luck that seemed unlikely", because it's not actually HIS luck that is causing these things to happen.
However, past the shaky start, this DOES do one big thing right -- the core of the story, the misfortune hound, is introduced well, showing us its effects before using dialogue and character action to ground it and establish its rules. I really like that idea, and what it efficiently establishes about the setting.
Agreed with >>Not_A_Hat that the ending here also isn't doing you any Writeoff favors. Readers here typically try to assess stories as standalone works rather than fragments of a larger work, and ending on a cliffhanger reinforces the feeling that this is a scene from something bigger. It would be a good hook for a continuation, so that may not be a thing you want to "fix", but these 577 words in isolation don't feel like they're pulling together terribly well for me. That said, if I encountered this in the wild I'd click through to the next chapter to see where it went, so rein in that exposition and keep at it.
Tier: Flawed but Fun
I have to admit that the concept of a “misfortune hound” is a very clever idea. It’s sort of like a werewolf, only it makes you suffer unfortunate circumstances rather than turning into a wolf. It was also having it be an urban fantasy, what with ambulances and guns being present in this world. An intriguing combination, to say the least.
With that in mind, I have to say that this story doesn’t really go anywhere. As the commenters above have said, it seems like a part of a larger story instead of a self-contained incident. That can sometimes work, but here, it gave the impression that this story isn’t really a story, just a brief excerpt of a more interesting bigger work. The sequel-bait ending didn’t really help, either.
Also, those GOTDANG spelling errors! (even if they are kind of funny)
In the end, an interesting world muddled by lack of closure.
With that in mind, I have to say that this story doesn’t really go anywhere. As the commenters above have said, it seems like a part of a larger story instead of a self-contained incident. That can sometimes work, but here, it gave the impression that this story isn’t really a story, just a brief excerpt of a more interesting bigger work. The sequel-bait ending didn’t really help, either.
Also, those GOTDANG spelling errors! (even if they are kind of funny)
Seconds later it freaked open
You remember this, tight?
In the end, an interesting world muddled by lack of closure.
Basically I have to agree with what all the other have said. Good core concept, but heavy, dumpy prose at the beginning. Also, I wonder if you didn't borrow the concept from an old monster that existed in AD&D, the hound of ill omen.
That being said, once you're bitten, I suppose… you're so in bad luck you can't help but being bitten again, and so on…
The guy's really on his last leg.
That being said, once you're bitten, I suppose… you're so in bad luck you can't help but being bitten again, and so on…
The guy's really on his last leg.
I really like the concept, but didn't work as a story for me. the main character doesn't get to make any interesting decisions. maybe he'll get to make a choice when the lady is offering a new job, but it cuts off right there. I think that's the problem with the ending! it's not necessarily wrong to end on a cliffhanger, but there's no tension -- we don't know the stakes, or what his options are. (as a silly example, think of the JoJo "To Be Continued" meme)
a lot of bad stuff happens to him unavoidably (which is the whole point) but I don't get a sense for how he responds to it. even when he gets a few sentences to explain the events of the burglary, it's only a barrage of stuff happening to him. even a few details of how he tried to salvage the situation, though unsuccessfully, could've gone a long way to making it feel like a complete story.
a lot of bad stuff happens to him unavoidably (which is the whole point) but I don't get a sense for how he responds to it. even when he gets a few sentences to explain the events of the burglary, it's only a barrage of stuff happening to him. even a few details of how he tried to salvage the situation, though unsuccessfully, could've gone a long way to making it feel like a complete story.
The Great
I'd be interested in seeing the non-minific saga. Neat world and story concept.
The Rough
Technically needs a lot of work. Just a lot of little errors.
Feels like we actually kind of missed the actual interesting portion of the story, since we don't have much in the way of actual conflict. The relationship between the man and woman kinda revealed the ultimate conclusion ahead of time (to me at least). I'd much rather have gone through an abbreviated version of the robbery and the loss of the feather.
It feels really weird that nothing bad actually seems to happen during the story here, considering the havoc that the bad luck has apparently wrecked while we weren't reading.
I'd be interested in seeing the non-minific saga. Neat world and story concept.
The Rough
Technically needs a lot of work. Just a lot of little errors.
Feels like we actually kind of missed the actual interesting portion of the story, since we don't have much in the way of actual conflict. The relationship between the man and woman kinda revealed the ultimate conclusion ahead of time (to me at least). I'd much rather have gone through an abbreviated version of the robbery and the loss of the feather.
It feels really weird that nothing bad actually seems to happen during the story here, considering the havoc that the bad luck has apparently wrecked while we weren't reading.
Honestly? I liked this. It managed to get an impressive amount of worldbuilding for its length, and it felt as if it was happening in a world that had rules and established forces at play. I find it unfortunate that the many typos and at times clunky writing lets it down. Add to that a sense of aimlessness where there is no real conflict/resolution inside the story, and the bad starts to equal the good. (I really think we could've skipped the first prompt drop).
I would love to see a better edited story that uses inventive elements as a misfortune hound to a more focused purpose :)
I would love to see a better edited story that uses inventive elements as a misfortune hound to a more focused purpose :)