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A Star Shot Upon Midnight
Reed sucked on his straw as he looked at me from across the small restaurant table.
“Things that I would never wish for?”
“Yep!” I said.
“That’s pretty easy. First thing: never wish for money.”
I shot up, curious. “What?”
“Yeah. You never know where it came from, and you never know who will be after you once you have it.”
“Can’t you just wish for no one to care as well?” I said.
“When you're given the chance to make a wish, there is always some kind catch. You never know what will happen, and even if you wish for no catch, that’s not always a guarantee that your wish will stop everything.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“It’s always possible that it could accidentally hit you square in the face when it does come around.”
If anything, that would be my first wish in any circumstance. I would never have to work a single day in my life. I nibbled on some of my food before I pushed him to go on.
“The second thing is to never wish for any hot babes. Or, in your case, for any hot dudes.”
"Now you’re being stupid,” I giggled teasingly.
He continued. “There's no good having a relationship that's built up on only your desires. Why do you think we’re dating? Sure, you may look cute, but I don’t know what you’re thinking."
"Your dream mate could even plot to kill you to get freedom from the wish’s effect!” He teased.
I huffed. “Does it look like I’m the type of girls who would kill their boyfriends?”
“Isabella, I’m not saying that you would. I’m saying that I’m using this time to get to know you.”
Hmph. I knew he didn't think of me as some psychopath, but doesn't he have at least a little bit of trust in me? I am his girlfriend, after all.
I stared at him with anticipation and waited until he swallowed to ask once more. He hummed in thought.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “How about this. If you could grant one wish, what would it be?”
“Any wish?”
He hummed a tune of affirmation.
Well, duh, it would be for infinite money. Though, I knew Reed would scold me if I had thought that aloud. We had just gotten off the subject. I pondered until the thought came to me.
“I would be the president of the world!” I shout.
Reed gave a blank stare. He pronounced a hum of acknowledgment.
“How many starving children are there in Africa? How many people are out there living on the streets? I could be solving all the world’s problems right now! Don’t you think I could?”
In contrast from my determined smile, Reed continued with his deadpanned expression.
“It’s nice and all,” said Reed, “but don’t you think it sounds a bit childish?”
I huffed and crossed my arms in silence.
Reed stood up. He picked up his tray and dumped his trash.
“Want to take that to go?” He offered.
I nodded.
The starry night gleamed brilliantly, even through the car window. As I sat in the passenger seat, I watched the stars up above as we drove past the midnight scenery. Upon the white dots, I witnessed something.
A shooting star.
I shot up in my seat as I watched it fade. This was the first time I’ve actually seen a shooting star in my life, and it wasn’t until a while after the excitement that I realized that I now had to make a wish.
My eyes shut. What would be a good wish? The first thing that came to mind was clear. Infinite money. But then, I reconciled. What would happen if that actually did come back to hurt me? I only had one wish, and I had to make it count.
A hotter boyfriend? Though, the thought of getting rid of Reed burned deep. There was no way I could go through with that.
I thought harder and harder until Reed spoke up.
“You alright?”
“Oh, uh, yeah.”
“Just wanted to say sorry about calling your ‘world conquest’ wish childish. You seemed pretty down and silent after that.”
“Yeah, nothing to worry about. I'm just thinking, is all.” I half-lied.
“If you say so.”
I looked towards the sky once more. I sighed with a decision made up in my mind. I decided to wish for nothing. Maybe there is some kind of unforeseen consequence with every wish.
“Things that I would never wish for?”
“Yep!” I said.
“That’s pretty easy. First thing: never wish for money.”
I shot up, curious. “What?”
“Yeah. You never know where it came from, and you never know who will be after you once you have it.”
“Can’t you just wish for no one to care as well?” I said.
“When you're given the chance to make a wish, there is always some kind catch. You never know what will happen, and even if you wish for no catch, that’s not always a guarantee that your wish will stop everything.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“It’s always possible that it could accidentally hit you square in the face when it does come around.”
If anything, that would be my first wish in any circumstance. I would never have to work a single day in my life. I nibbled on some of my food before I pushed him to go on.
“The second thing is to never wish for any hot babes. Or, in your case, for any hot dudes.”
"Now you’re being stupid,” I giggled teasingly.
He continued. “There's no good having a relationship that's built up on only your desires. Why do you think we’re dating? Sure, you may look cute, but I don’t know what you’re thinking."
"Your dream mate could even plot to kill you to get freedom from the wish’s effect!” He teased.
I huffed. “Does it look like I’m the type of girls who would kill their boyfriends?”
“Isabella, I’m not saying that you would. I’m saying that I’m using this time to get to know you.”
Hmph. I knew he didn't think of me as some psychopath, but doesn't he have at least a little bit of trust in me? I am his girlfriend, after all.
I stared at him with anticipation and waited until he swallowed to ask once more. He hummed in thought.
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “How about this. If you could grant one wish, what would it be?”
“Any wish?”
He hummed a tune of affirmation.
Well, duh, it would be for infinite money. Though, I knew Reed would scold me if I had thought that aloud. We had just gotten off the subject. I pondered until the thought came to me.
“I would be the president of the world!” I shout.
Reed gave a blank stare. He pronounced a hum of acknowledgment.
“How many starving children are there in Africa? How many people are out there living on the streets? I could be solving all the world’s problems right now! Don’t you think I could?”
In contrast from my determined smile, Reed continued with his deadpanned expression.
“It’s nice and all,” said Reed, “but don’t you think it sounds a bit childish?”
I huffed and crossed my arms in silence.
Reed stood up. He picked up his tray and dumped his trash.
“Want to take that to go?” He offered.
I nodded.
The starry night gleamed brilliantly, even through the car window. As I sat in the passenger seat, I watched the stars up above as we drove past the midnight scenery. Upon the white dots, I witnessed something.
A shooting star.
I shot up in my seat as I watched it fade. This was the first time I’ve actually seen a shooting star in my life, and it wasn’t until a while after the excitement that I realized that I now had to make a wish.
My eyes shut. What would be a good wish? The first thing that came to mind was clear. Infinite money. But then, I reconciled. What would happen if that actually did come back to hurt me? I only had one wish, and I had to make it count.
A hotter boyfriend? Though, the thought of getting rid of Reed burned deep. There was no way I could go through with that.
I thought harder and harder until Reed spoke up.
“You alright?”
“Oh, uh, yeah.”
“Just wanted to say sorry about calling your ‘world conquest’ wish childish. You seemed pretty down and silent after that.”
“Yeah, nothing to worry about. I'm just thinking, is all.” I half-lied.
“If you say so.”
I looked towards the sky once more. I sighed with a decision made up in my mind. I decided to wish for nothing. Maybe there is some kind of unforeseen consequence with every wish.
I like the conversation topic here as the opening hook, not bad. Though the end result of it all is that... nothing happens? I kinda wish something would go wrong. Not literally, as in a backfiring wish (probably not the the point of this story!), but at least some kind of tension and conflict going on. There's hints of one under the surface, but it's so passive that it's hard to feel it.
The main thing that could be improved is characterization. I don't think I understand this couple very well, they're generic blank slates to me. Well, I kinda know a little more about Reed, but Isabella is still very vague. I need to know more about her in the story, so that her decision at the end will have any weight to it.
The main thing that could be improved is characterization. I don't think I understand this couple very well, they're generic blank slates to me. Well, I kinda know a little more about Reed, but Isabella is still very vague. I need to know more about her in the story, so that her decision at the end will have any weight to it.
This is competent, and I feel like if there were more back-and-forth between the two of them, then this would be a pretty good story. It seems too one-sided, like the narrator's desires are being ignored. It doesn't start by her wishing for infinite money, it begins with him telling her that infinite money isn't good. He doesn't explain some conservation-of-mass sort of deal that would make it make sense; he just tells her that it wouldn't be a good idea because you wouldn't know where it is coming from. That's something that generally comes with wish stories, but I feel like even though everything is okay, it's too one-sided to make either character interesting.
I want to know more about these characters. If you continue on with this story, then please give us more struggle, let us see more into their mindset and how they play off one another.
I want to know more about these characters. If you continue on with this story, then please give us more struggle, let us see more into their mindset and how they play off one another.
...is this person literally twelve?
I mean, President? Come on! At least be supreme grand dictator so you don't have to be checked-and-balanced.
Your characters are interesting enough, and dialogue does a pretty good job of pulling me into the story. It really doesn't do a whole lot, unfortunately. This feels like a one-note story, except that it doesn't really reach much of a conclusion even for it's one idea. Unless the idea is that there's an unexpected side-effect to wishing for nothing? I mean, that's a wish too, right? Though if that's what was going on, I'd hope to see what that side-effect would be.
Decent overall, good start, weak finish.
I mean, President? Come on! At least be supreme grand dictator so you don't have to be checked-and-balanced.
Your characters are interesting enough, and dialogue does a pretty good job of pulling me into the story. It really doesn't do a whole lot, unfortunately. This feels like a one-note story, except that it doesn't really reach much of a conclusion even for it's one idea. Unless the idea is that there's an unexpected side-effect to wishing for nothing? I mean, that's a wish too, right? Though if that's what was going on, I'd hope to see what that side-effect would be.
Decent overall, good start, weak finish.
He continued. “There's no good having a relationship that's built up on only your desires. Why do you think we’re dating? Sure, you may look cute, but I don’t know what you’re thinking."
"Your dream mate could even plot to kill you to get freedom from the wish’s effect!” He teased.
This really threw me at first. You've got the same speaker's lines split across two paragraphs, in the middle of a longer dialogue in which the two of them alternate. Definitely want to fix the formatting here.
>>Not_A_Hat
Unless the idea is that there's an unexpected side-effect to wishing for nothing? I mean, that's a wish too, right? Though if that's what was going on, I'd hope to see what that side-effect would be.
This.
Another story in the not-entirely-complete bin, cf. >>horizon, and for the same reasons -- the revelation feels pretty empty. If we saw the unintended consequences of wishing for nothing, that would close the loop. That's certainly not the only way to add depth to this story, but it would require the least editing, since that seems to be where you're already ending up. Or you could add some resolution to the tension between Reed and Isabella over the wish: does that disagreement show that there are philosophical differences between them that are endangering the relationship? Or is Isabella deciding to give up her wishes specifically for him? (Which is a troubling moral, honestly, but at least would push this story to resolve in a direction rather than sort of peter out.)
The other thing I had problems with here is Isabella's characterization -- there's one bit that I found really telling that seemed like it was unintentional:
“Isabella, I’m not saying that you would. I’m saying that I’m using this time to get to know you.”
Hmph. I knew he didn't think of me as some psychopath, but doesn't he have at least a little bit of trust in me? I am his girlfriend, after all.
So they're in the "getting to know you" stage -- in other words, presumably early dating -- and Isabella is insulted by the fact that he doesn't trust her yet? And she considers herself his girlfriend already? If I was in Reed's shoes I'd find that a pretty big red flag.
Well, duh, it would be for infinite money. Though, I knew Reed would scold me if I had thought that aloud. We had just gotten off the subject. I pondered until the thought came to me.
“I would be the president of the world!” I shout.
Isabella also, well, doesn't seem to be characterized as the smartest apple in the barrel.
So basically the central romance is falling flat for me because Isabella is throwing up all sorts of red flags for me. In a story in which she's the narrator and you want me to sympathize with her, this makes the story a rather hard sell for me. Sorry, author.
... I keep going back to !Hat's "Is she literally twelve?", actually ... I think that's a good way of framing it. Isabella comes across as remarkably immature to me. This might make better YA fiction than general-audience fiction, but equally, it might just be better to polish her up a bit with editing and give a little more depth to her viewpoint on wishes. Compared to her, Reed comes off pretty thoughtful (not just in his wish musings, but also in his later apology and his picking up on her feelings) -- there's nothing saying you have to make both of your characters equally mature, but bringing her up to that level would certainly engage my interest a lot more.
Ultimately, author, there may just be a reader mismatch here, since you're kinda writing the tale of a down-to-earth dude and his Manic Dream Pixie Girl and that's something I find it hard to enjoy. If that's your vision, more power to you, but from here that decision looks like it's dragging the story down.
Tier: Needs Work
The Great
The core idea is good and fits well for the minific concept. Just a very short character arc.
The Rough
The story itself very much needs an editorial pass. Just a lot of technical errors.
I don't quite think the conclusion quite works. Fear of a backfired wish just isn't super compelling. It's a bit cliche, of course, but angling more towards the idea of satisfaction/contentment or maybe just realizing that you're better off working towards it rather than wishing for it would be a more satisfactory end.
The core idea is good and fits well for the minific concept. Just a very short character arc.
The Rough
The story itself very much needs an editorial pass. Just a lot of technical errors.
I don't quite think the conclusion quite works. Fear of a backfired wish just isn't super compelling. It's a bit cliche, of course, but angling more towards the idea of satisfaction/contentment or maybe just realizing that you're better off working towards it rather than wishing for it would be a more satisfactory end.