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I think I hear someone knocking now.
I don’t think I’ll let them in.
And bugger it all if I'm going to check who it is first.
No, I kid. Paranormal stories are something I'm attracted to, and this one does it nicely, I believe. The word of warning is nice, the writing is good, the progression is pretty good, and it overall interested me. It's about as basic as it can be, with the Civilization game being a smart addition to personality, but it does its job. The ending(in the quotes above) is honestly weak. If this were a horror story with more atmosphere, I think it could work, to highlight his paranoia. As it is, I don't think it works here.
Also, why would you run away after this thing said "hello"? It's obviously trying to be friendly, you coward!*
*I don't actually think the narrator is a coward. Just that maybe that part could have been more menacing; the story in general could've been more menacing, if you were going for straight-up horror. As it is, though, it does its job.
Edit: How does one change the size of the font? What does one put in the quotation marks?
>>Not_Worthy2 For font size you use numbers in the quotation marks. It sometimes takes a bit of guess-and-check to get what you want; it seems that smaller ones don't always work for me like I'd like them to? But yeah. I dunno if it's actually 'font points' or 'pixels' or something though. But it's numbers, bigger ones for bigger font.
On the one hand, I'm pretty sure the spirit -- or whatever it is -- is friendly. It doesn't seem to be doing anything obviously harmful, and the note in the glass was a greeting. There was probably no need for the guy to run.
On the other hand, I wouldn't stick around either!
On the other hand, I wouldn't stick around either!
So, not going to lie, last place I lived in I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on my door two or three times, but on checking, there was no-one there.
I mean, it was probably something in the water system or whatever that I misheard when half-asleep.
Right?
:P
Anyways, this is pretty funny, and it's also well executed. A touch of dread, offset by relieved laughter; I liked it overall. I do wish there was more than one joke to it, or that it did the serious a bit more seriously (although I'm not sure how that would work, TBH...) but it's nice as is. A bit light, perhaps, but nice.
I mean, it was probably something in the water system or whatever that I misheard when half-asleep.
Right?
:P
Anyways, this is pretty funny, and it's also well executed. A touch of dread, offset by relieved laughter; I liked it overall. I do wish there was more than one joke to it, or that it did the serious a bit more seriously (although I'm not sure how that would work, TBH...) but it's nice as is. A bit light, perhaps, but nice.
This falls into what I call the 'bar story' type of narrator. Essentially, it's written as though the narrator is relating his story, verbatim, to the author. This is just a transcript of that.
On the one hand, this lends a certain verisimilitude to the writing. The narrator immediately comes off as having his own voice. On the other hand, it removes the reader from the action – we're not with the main character when he's hearing weird noises, or discovering creepy writing on the shower wall. We're just hearing him tell us about it.
For minifics this can be an advantage -- there's no wasted space with description or scenery; we just get the narrator relating the important action. It's a disadvantage if you like scenery or description, though.
The ending detracts, I feel. It's a rather weak close.
On the one hand, this lends a certain verisimilitude to the writing. The narrator immediately comes off as having his own voice. On the other hand, it removes the reader from the action – we're not with the main character when he's hearing weird noises, or discovering creepy writing on the shower wall. We're just hearing him tell us about it.
For minifics this can be an advantage -- there's no wasted space with description or scenery; we just get the narrator relating the important action. It's a disadvantage if you like scenery or description, though.
The ending detracts, I feel. It's a rather weak close.
(We're half a week in and reviews have slowed to almost nothing; I'm going to stop marking spoilers. If that matters to you, skip my reviews until later or go finish your slate!)
I don't really have anything to criticize about the writing here. The prose is clean and the voicing is consistent (though I'd argue that the swearing distracts from the text, given that aside from two fucks and one shit, the language is clean and mild). But the story itself just feels kinda ... underwhelming?
I mean, the core of the haunting here is misplaced car keys and weird noises ... poltergeists have certainly freaked people out to the level of panic described at the end of the story before, but based on the narrator's own description he was basically blowing it off until the shower scene, and that makes it really hard for me to invest any fear or dread on his behalf. (This is compounded by the fact that our culture's primary reference point for "supernatural guests that have to be invited in" is vampires, and when you're expecting someone's throat to get immediately ripped out in a bloody mess, a mere haunting is weak.) And the shower scene itself, as noted by others, is about the least frightening supernatural encounter ever. Hell, in his position I'd start writing back. A neutral-to-friendly greeting from an honest-to-goodness otherworldly entity -- how cool is that?
So, yeah, the story's trying to sell me on a creepypasta that doesn't strike me as creepy at all. I think that's eminently fixable in editing -- show us the narrator's fear earlier and harder, and make the actual contacts with the spirit much more ominous. "Hello" in particular really needs to be more climactic. If you don't want to resort to cliches (writing in blood or whatevs) and can't think of any creepier messages to write, then maybe one way to up the chill factor would be to turn around and see the message, and then notice a drop of water bead up from the bottom of one of the letters dripping down the inside of the glass -- meaning it was written within the last few seconds from inside the shower. (Cue slamming the shower door open and scrambling out wet and naked.)
Tier: Almost There
I don't really have anything to criticize about the writing here. The prose is clean and the voicing is consistent (though I'd argue that the swearing distracts from the text, given that aside from two fucks and one shit, the language is clean and mild). But the story itself just feels kinda ... underwhelming?
I mean, the core of the haunting here is misplaced car keys and weird noises ... poltergeists have certainly freaked people out to the level of panic described at the end of the story before, but based on the narrator's own description he was basically blowing it off until the shower scene, and that makes it really hard for me to invest any fear or dread on his behalf. (This is compounded by the fact that our culture's primary reference point for "supernatural guests that have to be invited in" is vampires, and when you're expecting someone's throat to get immediately ripped out in a bloody mess, a mere haunting is weak.) And the shower scene itself, as noted by others, is about the least frightening supernatural encounter ever. Hell, in his position I'd start writing back. A neutral-to-friendly greeting from an honest-to-goodness otherworldly entity -- how cool is that?
So, yeah, the story's trying to sell me on a creepypasta that doesn't strike me as creepy at all. I think that's eminently fixable in editing -- show us the narrator's fear earlier and harder, and make the actual contacts with the spirit much more ominous. "Hello" in particular really needs to be more climactic. If you don't want to resort to cliches (writing in blood or whatevs) and can't think of any creepier messages to write, then maybe one way to up the chill factor would be to turn around and see the message, and then notice a drop of water bead up from the bottom of one of the letters dripping down the inside of the glass -- meaning it was written within the last few seconds from inside the shower. (Cue slamming the shower door open and scrambling out wet and naked.)
Tier: Almost There
Open Invitation — A+ — The flow and patter of the story draws you in and along really, really well. Seriously, we have all the parts of a good story, fitted together well, and flowing smooth from beginning to end. We have a hook that makes the reader think “Why did the door open” and by the time the natural assumption is made, it flows on to the next item, and the next, and so on.
I think it’s the reincarnation of Eddie Murphy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InLfUMjyKNo
I think it’s the reincarnation of Eddie Murphy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InLfUMjyKNo
I thought this story was a very competent ghost story. It certainly had that spooky feeling, while also having that open-ended conclusion that is prerequisite for such tales. I also liked how the spirit wasn’t going full "Amityville Horror" with bleeding walls or satanic screams. It was all slow build-up, with small things gradually building up into the grand finale. It was admirable seeing so much restraint when one could’ve easily jumped the gun.
However, while the story attains all the positives of the ghost story, it also sadly falls victim to some of the negatives. The main character isn’t all that interesting, and just kind of works as a catalyst for this experience to occur. This plus the rather low-key events themselves, though well executed, made it hard to really be worried for his predicament, given how the ghost comes off as more annoying than malicious. It’s unnerving to be sure, but not really something that comes off like it was a legitimate threat. Hell, it wrote “Hello” in a steamed-up mirror instead of cracking the glass into the letters! This isn’t Beelzebub-tier spookiness, this is slightly grittier Casper-tier.
A decent ghost story, but nothing more.
However, while the story attains all the positives of the ghost story, it also sadly falls victim to some of the negatives. The main character isn’t all that interesting, and just kind of works as a catalyst for this experience to occur. This plus the rather low-key events themselves, though well executed, made it hard to really be worried for his predicament, given how the ghost comes off as more annoying than malicious. It’s unnerving to be sure, but not really something that comes off like it was a legitimate threat. Hell, it wrote “Hello” in a steamed-up mirror instead of cracking the glass into the letters! This isn’t Beelzebub-tier spookiness, this is slightly grittier Casper-tier.
A decent ghost story, but nothing more.
I have to agree with most of reviewers here. It stands out to me as a garden variety ghost story — like I’ve read many of them before. There’s no real novelty into this, it feels super-generic. The execution is fine, but the story itself is sort of trite, and the conclusion fells flat.
The Great
Competently written.
The Rough
Definite disconnect between the body of the story and the final lines. You either really needed to either deliver better in the story (like, how about some actual spooks?) or not go quite so hard with that final line. As is, you're trying to cash in on dread that you didn't actually earn.
Competently written.
The Rough
Definite disconnect between the body of the story and the final lines. You either really needed to either deliver better in the story (like, how about some actual spooks?) or not go quite so hard with that final line. As is, you're trying to cash in on dread that you didn't actually earn.
>>Not_Worthy2
>>GaPJaxie
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Cold in Gardez
>>horizon
>>georg
>>libertydude
>>Monokeras
Eh. Don't have a lot to say here, since you all nailed it more less.
Started with the ending lines, more or less, and just never quite managed to build my way up to them. Overcompensated on trying to keep it milder so I could have a build to a breaking point, as well as have what I would consider a "sane" protagonist for a horror story (someone who got out fast instead of waiting for the doom), which amounts to a really unearned ending.
It is probably easy-ish to fix with an editorial pass, but, honestly, I'm not really sure it's worth it in this case.
>>GaPJaxie
>>Not_A_Hat
>>Cold in Gardez
>>horizon
>>georg
>>libertydude
>>Monokeras
Eh. Don't have a lot to say here, since you all nailed it more less.
Started with the ending lines, more or less, and just never quite managed to build my way up to them. Overcompensated on trying to keep it milder so I could have a build to a breaking point, as well as have what I would consider a "sane" protagonist for a horror story (someone who got out fast instead of waiting for the doom), which amounts to a really unearned ending.
It is probably easy-ish to fix with an editorial pass, but, honestly, I'm not really sure it's worth it in this case.