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For Want of a Clean Sandwich
The trail of snot on the Subway employee’s glove could be seen from across the counter. To Russell's horror, instead of being tossed in the trash, the glove remained attached to the hand, and was instead lowered into the lettuce bin.
A small, strangled noise escaped Russell’s throat.
Troy, to his left, turned to him, a flat expression on his face. “What?”
“She wiped her nose on her glove. She’s touched the lettuce. And the pickles.” He turned to Troy, eyes wide. “We have to leave.”
The line shuffled forward. “God dammit, no. No! Don’t do this!” Troy hissed. “I just came off a twelve hour shift, I haven’t eaten anything since yesterday afternoon, and I just want a goddamn sandwich.”
“But! The snot! Look, she’s doing it with her other hand now!”
Indeed, the other glove had become besnotted, and proceeded to rummage through the onions.
Troy sighed. “Okay, yeah, that’s pretty gross. C’mon, there’s a deli on the corner.”
Everything was fine until a pepper mill mishap caused the deli clerk to sneeze on the cured ham he was slicing. Russell gagged.
Troy whirled on him. “Russ, I swear to Christ, just order the roast beef.”
“But! But! The nasal explosion! Ejected mucus can travel at speeds in excess of ninety miles per hour, flooding the entire area with–”
Troy growled in the back of his throat as he grabbed Russell by the collar and dragged him out, Russell babbling all the while.
As they approached the hot dog cart, Russell began to whimper. “Street vendors are notorious for–”
“Shut up,” Troy snapped. “This is the last food joint before we get back to the apartment. There’s nothing wrong with the hot dog cart, just.... Suck it up.”
Russell stared at the sidewalk. “I am pretty hungry.”
“Me too. Now let’s–”
They stopped dead in their tracks as they watched the vendor stoop to pick up a hot dog that had fallen on the ground, dust it off, and put it back on the grill.
Troy swore as he facepalmed. Russell emitted a noise in a register normally reserved for calling dogs.
“I’ll make us sandwiches myself. Alright? Breakfast sandwiches. Eggs and cheese on bagels.” Troy greased up a pan and dumped in a half-dozen beaten eggs, then started slicing bagels in half.
“See, this is what we should have done from the beginning, Troy. Controlled environment. Foreknowledge of ingredients used. Everything–”
“Fucking shit.” A trail of ruby liquid blossomed across the white cutting board as Troy flew to the sink and grabbed a wad of paper towels.
Russell’s voice sank to the floor as his eye began to twitch. “Et tu, Brute?”
“Oh, fuck you,” Troy spat as he pressed the rapidly reddening paper towel to his hand, “you’re not fucking helpless. Make your own goddamn sandwich, I need to go wrap this up.” He shouldered past his roommate on his way to the bathroom, leaving Russell alone in the kitchen.
“Well.” Russell gingerly placed the cutting board in the sink. Turning to grab the pan, his elbow brushed against the countertop. With a start, he checked to see if his sleeve had any blood on it, and insodoing flung the pan and the half-cooked eggs into the sink as well. He began to hyperventilate as the eggs began to tinge red from the bloodstained cutting board.
Seeing spots, he leaned against the counter to support himself, then recoiled as though stung. Lifting his hand, he saw that it, too, had been touched by blood.
Russell’s eyes began to vibrate within their sockets.
“Police are still investigating the strange and tragic death of Russel Larkin, who set himself and a variety of foodstuffs on fire outside his apartment complex. Bystanders report that he screamed incoherently for several minutes prior to his death, although he repeated the phrases ‘filthy food’ and ‘out, damn spot’ several times. While investigators officially state that it's still unclear whether his actions were deliberate or accidental, the incident has attracted national attention. President Trump had this to say.”
“Clearly the man was disturbed. I mean, obviously. No sane man wants to set himself on fire. But it’s also clear he was calling out for help. The people are crying out, they’re desperate. Illegal immigrants are still taking way too many jobs from good, hard-working Americans, especially in the food service industry. And that’s why I’m introducing new legislation today. I’m calling it the Russell Act in honor of this brave young man…”
A small, strangled noise escaped Russell’s throat.
Troy, to his left, turned to him, a flat expression on his face. “What?”
“She wiped her nose on her glove. She’s touched the lettuce. And the pickles.” He turned to Troy, eyes wide. “We have to leave.”
The line shuffled forward. “God dammit, no. No! Don’t do this!” Troy hissed. “I just came off a twelve hour shift, I haven’t eaten anything since yesterday afternoon, and I just want a goddamn sandwich.”
“But! The snot! Look, she’s doing it with her other hand now!”
Indeed, the other glove had become besnotted, and proceeded to rummage through the onions.
Troy sighed. “Okay, yeah, that’s pretty gross. C’mon, there’s a deli on the corner.”
Everything was fine until a pepper mill mishap caused the deli clerk to sneeze on the cured ham he was slicing. Russell gagged.
Troy whirled on him. “Russ, I swear to Christ, just order the roast beef.”
“But! But! The nasal explosion! Ejected mucus can travel at speeds in excess of ninety miles per hour, flooding the entire area with–”
Troy growled in the back of his throat as he grabbed Russell by the collar and dragged him out, Russell babbling all the while.
As they approached the hot dog cart, Russell began to whimper. “Street vendors are notorious for–”
“Shut up,” Troy snapped. “This is the last food joint before we get back to the apartment. There’s nothing wrong with the hot dog cart, just.... Suck it up.”
Russell stared at the sidewalk. “I am pretty hungry.”
“Me too. Now let’s–”
They stopped dead in their tracks as they watched the vendor stoop to pick up a hot dog that had fallen on the ground, dust it off, and put it back on the grill.
Troy swore as he facepalmed. Russell emitted a noise in a register normally reserved for calling dogs.
“I’ll make us sandwiches myself. Alright? Breakfast sandwiches. Eggs and cheese on bagels.” Troy greased up a pan and dumped in a half-dozen beaten eggs, then started slicing bagels in half.
“See, this is what we should have done from the beginning, Troy. Controlled environment. Foreknowledge of ingredients used. Everything–”
“Fucking shit.” A trail of ruby liquid blossomed across the white cutting board as Troy flew to the sink and grabbed a wad of paper towels.
Russell’s voice sank to the floor as his eye began to twitch. “Et tu, Brute?”
“Oh, fuck you,” Troy spat as he pressed the rapidly reddening paper towel to his hand, “you’re not fucking helpless. Make your own goddamn sandwich, I need to go wrap this up.” He shouldered past his roommate on his way to the bathroom, leaving Russell alone in the kitchen.
“Well.” Russell gingerly placed the cutting board in the sink. Turning to grab the pan, his elbow brushed against the countertop. With a start, he checked to see if his sleeve had any blood on it, and insodoing flung the pan and the half-cooked eggs into the sink as well. He began to hyperventilate as the eggs began to tinge red from the bloodstained cutting board.
Seeing spots, he leaned against the counter to support himself, then recoiled as though stung. Lifting his hand, he saw that it, too, had been touched by blood.
Russell’s eyes began to vibrate within their sockets.
“Police are still investigating the strange and tragic death of Russel Larkin, who set himself and a variety of foodstuffs on fire outside his apartment complex. Bystanders report that he screamed incoherently for several minutes prior to his death, although he repeated the phrases ‘filthy food’ and ‘out, damn spot’ several times. While investigators officially state that it's still unclear whether his actions were deliberate or accidental, the incident has attracted national attention. President Trump had this to say.”
“Clearly the man was disturbed. I mean, obviously. No sane man wants to set himself on fire. But it’s also clear he was calling out for help. The people are crying out, they’re desperate. Illegal immigrants are still taking way too many jobs from good, hard-working Americans, especially in the food service industry. And that’s why I’m introducing new legislation today. I’m calling it the Russell Act in honor of this brave young man…”
This one was impressive. Short and sweet and not missing too much details. It's a simple concept that goes arwy when two normal people look for a simple meal. It took me by surprise but just offers these huge events in such a short amount of time that it left me deadpan at the end.
POSITIVES
Construction-Thumbs up for you! One of the only fics I've seen that takes a good casual amount of detail without going overboard on the word limit. You don't place too much effort and you seem to just add the right amount of detail while at the same time progress the story without adding too much to it. This was fantastic to read and felt like a natural read, rather than some constricted piece. I can tell you didn't feel too much of the pressure on the limits given to all of us. Now the only thing I can say wrong about this is. You jump the gun way too quickly for your characters. The incident in question here just leaves questions while the introduction was fabulous I found the ending to just have me puzzled.
Pacing-The story was highly entertaining until. Unexpected circumstances left quite a scar on our two sandwich heroes. It was a joy to read as two people struggle to find a merger meal to fill their bellies. Guessing college students just trying to live their lives, when everything goes wrong? It doesn't feel too natural of a story. I mean every possible worst thing that could go wrong while looking for some fast food happened. Including the end result. Which I really didn't expect. It was much more fun watching these two adults look for something quick to eat rather than um, suffer the way they did. I could go without the ending and end up watching their days pass on by as they budget things together in life.
NEGATIVES
Climax-What should have been a good high peak for a conflict ended up just causing a lot of trouble for this piece in my opinion. I cannot seem to understand how it all spiraled down to untimely demise that could have easily been remedied(Hey! That's my name!). Truth be told you had me hook line and sinker until the last few passages. It really did break it for me and I think the story would do very well as a series without this type of ending. Some of the more modern hits use scripts that are based around simple needs. Your story here defines this very well by giving in to a simple need and making obstacles that people can relate too. Well until fire got in the way.
Characteristics-The characters themselves weren't very defined throughout the story. I didn't know what Troy or Russell were into or not into. Or the fact that Russell himself is squimish to the point of no return. And Troy completely abandons this fact? And somehow ignores his screaming roommate? Um. We never got the idea that Russell was that much of a clean freak and if he was he would have panicked as the sight of Troy's cut. It's implied, but not really given to us in a good way. It's shoved in our faces right at the moment. Which we cannot blame you for. Truth be told I would have eaten any of those foods. After a couple of Food network series you realize everyone touches the food they serve you before it even touches your mouth.
This was a delight to read! Oh, just the intro with Troy and Russell's antics. The cursing was a bit much, but made it so much more realistic to get into. The troubles of finding food that you want is one thing but finding nothing in the city that is humanly good enough to eat, is another thing entirely that just never happens to people. The read was serious but silly and that made it so much more charming to me. Bring Russell and Troy back please. I love those two. Lose the fire and bring me more? ♥
POSITIVES
Construction-Thumbs up for you! One of the only fics I've seen that takes a good casual amount of detail without going overboard on the word limit. You don't place too much effort and you seem to just add the right amount of detail while at the same time progress the story without adding too much to it. This was fantastic to read and felt like a natural read, rather than some constricted piece. I can tell you didn't feel too much of the pressure on the limits given to all of us. Now the only thing I can say wrong about this is. You jump the gun way too quickly for your characters. The incident in question here just leaves questions while the introduction was fabulous I found the ending to just have me puzzled.
Pacing-The story was highly entertaining until. Unexpected circumstances left quite a scar on our two sandwich heroes. It was a joy to read as two people struggle to find a merger meal to fill their bellies. Guessing college students just trying to live their lives, when everything goes wrong? It doesn't feel too natural of a story. I mean every possible worst thing that could go wrong while looking for some fast food happened. Including the end result. Which I really didn't expect. It was much more fun watching these two adults look for something quick to eat rather than um, suffer the way they did. I could go without the ending and end up watching their days pass on by as they budget things together in life.
NEGATIVES
Climax-What should have been a good high peak for a conflict ended up just causing a lot of trouble for this piece in my opinion. I cannot seem to understand how it all spiraled down to untimely demise that could have easily been remedied(Hey! That's my name!). Truth be told you had me hook line and sinker until the last few passages. It really did break it for me and I think the story would do very well as a series without this type of ending. Some of the more modern hits use scripts that are based around simple needs. Your story here defines this very well by giving in to a simple need and making obstacles that people can relate too. Well until fire got in the way.
Characteristics-The characters themselves weren't very defined throughout the story. I didn't know what Troy or Russell were into or not into. Or the fact that Russell himself is squimish to the point of no return. And Troy completely abandons this fact? And somehow ignores his screaming roommate? Um. We never got the idea that Russell was that much of a clean freak and if he was he would have panicked as the sight of Troy's cut. It's implied, but not really given to us in a good way. It's shoved in our faces right at the moment. Which we cannot blame you for. Truth be told I would have eaten any of those foods. After a couple of Food network series you realize everyone touches the food they serve you before it even touches your mouth.
This was a delight to read! Oh, just the intro with Troy and Russell's antics. The cursing was a bit much, but made it so much more realistic to get into. The troubles of finding food that you want is one thing but finding nothing in the city that is humanly good enough to eat, is another thing entirely that just never happens to people. The read was serious but silly and that made it so much more charming to me. Bring Russell and Troy back please. I love those two. Lose the fire and bring me more? ♥
Y'know, with that track record one has to wonder how could he function in society without someone killing him.
But enough about Trump, let's talk about the story.
Credit where credit is due, the story was fine and got quite a few chuckles from me. Troy and Russell hace a nice dynamic that flows well. Sadly, that's all there is to them. They barely hace a personslity beyond the squeamish and his foil, and end up more like traits than real people
I agree with Remedy >>Remedyfortheheart (hi again!) in that I'd love to see more of them. They could star in their own sitcom and gather a small cult following before being untimely cancelled.
But enough about Trump, let's talk about the story.
Credit where credit is due, the story was fine and got quite a few chuckles from me. Troy and Russell hace a nice dynamic that flows well. Sadly, that's all there is to them. They barely hace a personslity beyond the squeamish and his foil, and end up more like traits than real people
I agree with Remedy >>Remedyfortheheart (hi again!) in that I'd love to see more of them. They could star in their own sitcom and gather a small cult following before being untimely cancelled.
Huh. I was fully expecting Troy to have killed Russell for denying him his sandwich at the end there (I mean, I would have). I'm not sure the first part of the conclusion (Russell's self-immolation) really worked for me... even given the comedic escalation of Russell's... quirks, it seemed somewhat excessive a reaction. The second part? Well, it's topical and with just the right kind of satirical filling (see what I did there?) to bring a smile to my face.
As for the rest of the fic? Well, it felt well-paced and managed to strike a nice balance between detail and plot for the most part, and some of the descriptions about Russell's reactions were pretty humourous. That's all Russell and Troy were though, really: a bunch of reactions and actions, with very little else to define them. Personally speaking, I wanted to see a little bit more detail beyond all that, although I guess it does still work well enough within the style (and limitations) of the fic.
Subway, of course, declined to comment, except to announce that an internal review of procedures was taking place.
Nice work. Thanks for sharing.
As for the rest of the fic? Well, it felt well-paced and managed to strike a nice balance between detail and plot for the most part, and some of the descriptions about Russell's reactions were pretty humourous. That's all Russell and Troy were though, really: a bunch of reactions and actions, with very little else to define them. Personally speaking, I wanted to see a little bit more detail beyond all that, although I guess it does still work well enough within the style (and limitations) of the fic.
Subway, of course, declined to comment, except to announce that an internal review of procedures was taking place.
Nice work. Thanks for sharing.
Really well written comedic scenes to start with, but the ending ruined it for me. We all knew escalation was happening, but as this is (or was) a comedy, the finale needed to be something hilarious. Instead, it just goes for over-the-topic tragic. It also cuts from the pattern of close, 3rd person, and zooms out to a news-like report. The zoom-out ending works better in a visual medium I think. The classic cut to a city-wide view and a lone voice screaming in the distance, or a small mushroom cloud going up on the horizon. Written, it's harder to pull off.
The pattern breaking is the bigger problem I think. Comedy relies on patterns, and this could've been a great example of subverting the expectation at the ending. You've set up the "go for new option, find each cook has poor sanitation practices" pattern. For the best comedy, the last element in the pattern would then be the same thing, but with a twist. For example, I honestly thought Russel would end up trying to make a sandwich on his own, then somehow sneeze or otherwise "contaminate" it himself. But then he'd eat it anyway, like it was no big deal, leaving his roommate to then be the one to freak out. Maybe ending on a line like "What? Everyone else is does it." or "At least I know where _my_ snot has been."
Lastly... the Trump thing. Completely unnecessary insertion of politics into something it has nothing to do with. As much as I despise Trump myself, dropping authorial opinions into a story like that really bothers me, probably more than it should.
The pattern breaking is the bigger problem I think. Comedy relies on patterns, and this could've been a great example of subverting the expectation at the ending. You've set up the "go for new option, find each cook has poor sanitation practices" pattern. For the best comedy, the last element in the pattern would then be the same thing, but with a twist. For example, I honestly thought Russel would end up trying to make a sandwich on his own, then somehow sneeze or otherwise "contaminate" it himself. But then he'd eat it anyway, like it was no big deal, leaving his roommate to then be the one to freak out. Maybe ending on a line like "What? Everyone else is does it." or "At least I know where _my_ snot has been."
Lastly... the Trump thing. Completely unnecessary insertion of politics into something it has nothing to do with. As much as I despise Trump myself, dropping authorial opinions into a story like that really bothers me, probably more than it should.
The end looks somewhat disjointed from the rest, I mean spelling-wise. There's a straight quote in “it's” whereas you use curled quotes everywhere else and Russel with a missing final l. Could it be that you were in a hurry?
The plot is fine and the escalation fun, but I agree the end went over the countertop. I can't imagine anyone looking at the guy immolating himself without trying to reason or subdue him. And the last section feels out of place and shoehorned. It comes out of left field and feels so shoehorned it kills all the previous fun. Bummer.
The plot is fine and the escalation fun, but I agree the end went over the countertop. I can't imagine anyone looking at the guy immolating himself without trying to reason or subdue him. And the last section feels out of place and shoehorned. It comes out of left field and feels so shoehorned it kills all the previous fun. Bummer.
