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The Day the God of Time Stopped by for Tea
One afternoon, the God of Time trotted up the path to Fluttershy’s cottage and knocked on the door. Unfortunately, Fluttershy had no time for him (most ponies don’t), and Fluttershy begged the deity come by another day.
“I’m so very, very sorry,” Fluttershy said from the doorway, as graciously as she could. “I’m sure you’re an awfully important pony, Mr. God of Time, and I’m sure you have an awfully important reason for visiting, but I’m just too busy today. Oh, I don’t mean that I think you’re not busy, or that my time is more important than yours. I’m sure taking care of time keeps you very busy too. It’s just my poor Angel Bunny. He’s sick with a very bad case of…” And here Fluttershy hesitated, for saying the name out loud might make it real, and she so very wanted it to not be real.
Instead, Fluttershy told the God of Time and herself, “He’s sick with the snuffles. That’s all. But it’s still a very bad case of the snuffles, and he shouldn’t be left alone for even a moment. I should be with him right now. I’m so sorry, I just have no time for you today, Mr. God of Time.”
The God of Time understood, politely wished Angel Bunny the best, and agreed to come another day. Fluttershy may have had no time, but the God of Time had nothing but. Too much even, some might say.
The deity left her a business card and went back down the path from Fluttershy’s cottage. Fluttershy went back to Angel Bunny.
“There’s no such thing as a God of Time,” Twilight said a few days later when Angel’s health had improved and Fluttershy had a chance to go into town. Even as Twilight said it, she was pulling books from the shelves of her library to confirm. “At least none that I’ve ever heard of.”
“Well,” Fluttershy murmured, sitting at a table and sipping at a cup of bitter tea, “he said he was the God of Time, so that must be what what he was. He didn’t have any reason to lie.”
“That isn’t how it works,” Twilight said, already lost in some behemoth of an encyclopedia.
Fluttershy chose not to respond. She didn’t want to argue. This was the first real break she’d had since the start of Angel Bunny’s illness. Fluttershy did appreciate her friend's skeptical nature and thirst for truth, be sometimes she wished Twilight would just let things be, not turn every retelling of a strange encounter into a deposition.
Fluttershy scolded herself for thinking something so mean of a friend. Twilight wasn’t doing that at all. Fluttershy was just stressed. Taking care of Angel Bunny had been hard. Fluttershy forced herself to smile, intent on being amiable and having a good time, and said, “Of course, you must be right. You always are, Twilight.”
But of course Twilight couldn’t let it go. “Just what did this supposed God of Time look like?” she asked.
The God of Time looked like an earth pony stallion. He didn’t glow, his voice didn’t boom, and no magical aura radiated about his person. The God of Time looked like any other pony. A bit taller than average, perhaps, but otherwise normal. He wore a two-penny suit and kept his dark mane slicked back. He had an easy smile, looked both professional and easy-going, like somebody Fluttershy could trust.
That was the best word for him, Fluttershy decided—trustworthy. He had been a very easy pony to believe. It was strange, but Fluttershy wanted to believe him. If he gave any auras off at all, they were of honesty and friendliness, and that was why Fluttershy felt irritated that Twilight wouldn’t believe her. Twilight hadn’t met him. She didn’t know what he was like.
Fluttershy may not have been as smart as Twilight, but if a life spent caring for animals had taught her anything, it was the game of predator and prey.
“I think you should be careful around this pony,” Twilight said. “I don’t know why, but he’s lying to you. If he tries to sell you anything, don’t buy it.”
Fluttershy started to retort, but bit her tongue. She didn’t want to argue. She hated arguing.
“And how is Angel?” Twilight’s voice became softer. “Is he doing any better?”
Here, Fluttershy hesitated again. Because she was a liar. Angel Bunny didn’t have the snuffles. He had something much worse. But Fluttershy still couldn’t say it, because she still didn’t want it to be real.
“I’m sorry,” Twilight said, pulling her into a quick hug. “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.”
But what could Twilight have done?
As promised, The God of Time came knocking at Fluttershy’s door again. But on this afternoon, Fluttershy invited him inside.
“Thanking you so much for taking the time to meet with me,” the God of Time said, and laughed hysterically at his own joke.
Fluttershy smiled politely.
When he finished laughing, the God of Time cleared his throat, sat up in his seat, and adopted a professional demeanor. “I’m sure you already know this, but above all else, I am a business pony. It’s who I’ve always been and who I’ll always be. And the first thing any successful business pony must learn is to make do with what he’s got. To make lemons into lemonade, as it were.” The God of Time leaned forward and raised his eyebrows comically, as if he and Fluttershy were the only two ponies in the world privy to some brilliant secret, and they both thought it a grand joke. “So, as is no surprise, my business is time. And today, I’m bringing my business to your humble little cottage, Fluttershy. Today, I come bearing time. Can’t you see it? Why, it’s practically spilling from my every pocket I’ve brought you so much.”
Fluttershy glanced at his pockets, and saw nothing.
“But alas,” the God of Time said, leaning back, his expression turning solemn, “I am a business pony, and an impoverished business pony at that. Time has been a hard business these past millennia, and I am the god of nothing else but time. I’m no lord of realty or stocks, as I’ve learned the hard way. The day has finally come that I make a profit on the only worthwhile product I’ve ever had.” The God of Time smiled again, all solemnity gone. “It’s your lucky day, because I’ve chosen you, Fluttershy, to be my first customer. I’ve put together a special personalized offer just for you.”
If he tries to sell you anything, don’t buy it, Twilight had said.
Fluttershy frowned.
The God of Time’s smile tightened. It didn’t drop away all together, but went from jovial to something else, something more personal. “I can see some hesitation in your eyes, Fluttershy,” he said, the tone of his voice suggesting that Fluttershy was some poor lost little lamb that had been led astray in the woods. “Some worry or skepticism. That is to be expected. This is an incredible deal, after all. Unprecedented, even! I perfectly understand. But I’m trying to help you, Fluttershy. I would smooth out any anxieties you might have. If there’s anything I can do, please tell me.”
But what could the God of Time have done?
Quite a bit actually.
Most gods can.
“It’s just…” Fluttershy hesitated, but the God of Time’s smile disarmed her. “It’s my friend, Twilight. She said that—”
“You mean Twilight Sparkle!” The God of Time jumped out of his seat. Fluttershy thought she saw something like anger pass behind his eyes, but it vanished in a moment. “Would you believe it, I had planned her to be my first customer. Heavens know no other pony in Equestria could use an extra hour in her day, and the whole of the kingdom would benefit besides. But, as you say, she is far too needling. I’m convinced you would appreciate my help far more than she, Fluttershy. So what does the young princess demand? Proof of my claim to godhood, perhaps?”
Fluttershy shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Well, yes…”
“It is proof easily shown!” With a skip in his step, the God of Time trotted over to one of Fluttershy’s house plants and touched it with a hoof.
The plant began to shrink. It’s leaves fell back into the stem, and stem drew back into the soil of the pot, until there was nothing left.
Fluttershy gasped. She got up and examined the spot where the plant had been, but there was no sign of it.
The God of Time smirked. “I can just as easily send it the other way.”
Under the deity’s touch, the stem popped out of the soil again, leaves folded outwards until it looked just the same as it had before. But it didn’t stop there. The plant grew wildly, tall and taller, its leaves wider and wider. Then it drooped, collapsed on itself, green leaves turned brown and then black and then gray. A moment later, all that was left was ash.
“Is this proof enough?” The God of Time asked.
“Oh, yes! Yes!” Fluttershy cried. “I knew Twilight just had to be wrong. I knew you were the God of Time. I knew you were a friend. I could just tell. I always can.”
“Yes,” the God of Time said, “I am your friend. Now may we get back to business?”
“Absolutely,” Fluttershy said. “Anything you want, Mr. God of Time!”
The God of Time seemed amused at that. “What I want, dear Fluttershy, is to help. I come bearing time, and I bear it for you. It can be yours—for a price.”
“Oh, but… I don’t really want anymore time.”
It was true. While she heard other ponies often complain that there were never enough hours in the day, Fluttershy had always felt that each day had a perfectly reasonable number. She went to bed every night feeling tired enough, and every morning she woke feeling rested enough. She got all the work done she needed to. No more and no less. What good would more time do her?
The God of Time shook his head sadly. “Oh, Fluttershy, you selfish creature. I do not mean for you to use this time on yourself. I mean for you to use it on another.”
Then Fluttershy understood. She looked towards where Angel Bunny slept. Even in sleep, his breath was ragged.
“Just how is poor little Angel Bunny doing?” The God of Time asked.
Here, Fluttershy hesitated, for all the same reasons.
“You’ve seen it before,” The God of Time said. “He’s running out of time, and he’ll soon be out. But surely you must recognize the miracle this day has brought you? A whole sackful of time just traipsed through your front door, and it’s yours for the taking, to take away as much as you can carry. His time doesn’t need run out. He can have more, if you choose. He could live for years. He could live longer than any bunny rabbit ever has.”
This time, Fluttershy didn’t hesitate. “What do you want?” she asked.
“What does any business pony want?” The God of Time smiled again, his teeth glinting white. “Money.”
Fluttershy gathered her purse, gathered her savings, gathered every coin she could fund under the cushions of her sofa. When it was all collected, she asked the God of Time, “What will this get me? How much time will this buy Angel Bunny? I can find more. I can sell my things. I can ask my friends, if it isn’t enough.”
The God of Time carefully counted out every bit. He considered for a long time, while Fluttershy waited anxiously. Finally, he said, “Enough. It will buy him enough.”
Just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time asked, “And will you be making this purchase with a God of Time MasterCard or store card today?”
Fluttershy frowned. “Um, no. I’m paying with cash.”
“Oh, yes, of course,” the God of Time said. “But do you have either of those cards?”
“Well… no.”
The God of Time looked shocked and then delights. “Have I ever got a deal for you! This month, and only this month, if you sign up and are approved for a God of Time MasterCard, you’ll receive a free twenty minutes off of this purchase! What do you say?”
“Um…”
“It only takes two minutes!”
“I don’t really…”
“No annual fee!”
“It’s not that…”
“Doesn’t Angel Bunny deserve every extra minute you can get him? Especially when that time is free?
“I guess when you put it that way…”
Two minutes later, Fluttershy was the owner of a shiny, brand new God of Time MasterCard, and Angel Bunny was twenty minutes richer.
Again, just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time asked, “And would you happen to be a member of the God of Time Super Customer Rewards Program?”
“I don’t think so…”
“Would you like to sign up? All it takes is a name, phone number, and email. There are no fees, no cards. Just every time you make a purchase at any God of Time retailer, you earn points which can later be redeemed for free time. Also,during certain sales and on special select items we’ll have special prices just for Super Customer members. Enroll now, and start earning points today!”
“I guess so…”
A name, phone number, and email later, Fluttershy was a Super Customer.
Again, just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time said, ”And this product is eligible for a ninety day God of Time Purchase Protect Warranty for just an extra fifteen bits!”
“A what?”
“I, as the God of Time, would like to ensure that all of my customers are satisfied with my product. With a ninety day God of Time Purchase Protect Warranty, if you have any problems with this purchased time, any breaks, temporary loss of coverage, or death within the first ninety days after purchase, and your purchase will be fully refunded!”
“I guess if you think it’s necessary…”
An extra fifteen bits later, and Fluttershy was in possession of a ninety day God of Time Purchase Protect warranty.
Again, just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time asked, ”And would you like to donate to the God of Time Paladins at Home program?”
“Is Angel still getting his extra time?”
“The God of Time Paladins at Home program raises funds to assist former Royal Guardsmen and their families by making necessary repairs, improvements, or modifications to their homes. You care about the former Royal Guardsmen who spent the best years of their lives keeping you and Angel Bunny safe?”
And because Fluttershy did care about the former Royal Guardsmen, she donated one bit and became a proud sponsor of the God of Time Paladins at Home program.
Again, just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time asked, ”Would you like these coupons along with your receipt?”
Exhausted, Fluttershy said, “Whatever.”
The God of Time left soon after, with all of Fluttershy’s money. Only, Angel Bunny was hopping about the cottage, energetically scolding Fluttershy and the other animals, and demanding specially prepared meals. It was as if he had never been sick.
In her delight, Fluttershy never noticed that the God of Time had left her houseplant dead and rotten and grey.
Months later, Twilight examined Angel Bunny. “I can’t find any magical residue in his system at all,” Twilight said, baffled. “Which shouldn’t be possible. If this supposed God of Time used magic to heal him, there would be some measurable trace of it. But there’s no trace of the illness, either. It’s as if he was never sick.”
“It wasn’t magic,” Fluttershy said, content. She had never said the name of the illness, and so it had never become real. Fluttershy had stopped naming lots of things she didn’t like.
“Then what did he to do to Angel?” Twilight asked.
“He gave him more time,” Fluttershy answered simply.
“Yes, but how? And what does that even mean? What does giving somepony more time entail?”
Fluttershy shrugged. She didn’t need anymore than to know that Angel was safe and healthy. Twilight could poke and prod and become frustrated if she chose, but it would change nothing. Angel was alive, and he would be alive for years yet.
“Listen, Fluttershy,” Twilight said seriously, “I know you’re happy for Angel, but you need to think about this. Whatever power this God of Time is using is strange and unpredictable. It could just as easily harm as help. We don’t know anything about this pony, or what his motives are. He could be dangerous! Please, the next time you see or hear from him, come straight to me.”
Fluttershy nodded along, but she wasn’t really listening.
That night, the God of Time trotted up the path to Fluttershy’s cottage and knocked on the door. Fortunately, Fluttershy had all the time in the world, and she welcomed him right in.
“Oh no, that won’t be necessary,” the God of Time said. “You see, I’m only visiting because I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve missed your first scheduled payment. And that’s a problem.”
“What payment?” Fluttershy asked. She didn’t like the God of Time’s demeanor this visit. He was smiling, but his smile was wrong somehow. It was too smug.
“On your God of Time MasterCard, of course.”
“But I’ve never used that card!”
“Yes, you did!” The God of Time looked at her like she was a child acting up. “Don’t you ponies ever pay attention? Your very first purchase of time was charged to the card when you first signed up and were approved.”
“But you took all my bits, too!”
“As a security deposit. And now I’m glad I did. It’s just for situations like this that they’re required.”
“But you took so much!”
The God of Time nodded distractedly, looking through a record book he had brought. “Yes, your credit was terrible. Now I can see why. Anyway, because of your poor credit, your card had a high interest rate. Something around twenty-six point nine percent, if I remember correctly. And you purchased quite a bit of time. A whole lifetime’s worth, actually. The card did have a six month grace period, but interest continued to accrue during that time. Unfortunately, the grace period is up, and you’ve missed your first payment, so there are also late fees to consider.”
“So how much do I owe?”
“Hmmm,” the God of Time hmmmed, scribbling in his record book. He tore a page out and lifted it up for her to see the number he’d written.
Fluttershy balked. “But that can’t be right.”
“I think you’d be surprised at how quickly interest can accumulate, especially on such a large purchase.”
“But I don’t even have that much!”
The God of Time smiled. “Oh, but you do, Fluttershy. Not in currency, no. But I think you’ll find that you have just enough in time to cover the debt. Just barely enough, actually. You’re lucky, when you think about it. Anymore, and you’d be dead outright. This way, you should at least have some time left to say goodbye to your friends. If you’re quick about it, that is.”
For a moment, Fluttershy couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t even speak. It must have been some prank, some joke.
“No,” the God of Time said, as if reading her mind, “credit card debt is really no joke at all.”
“I can’t give you all that time!” Fluttershy said.
“Oh, no, you’re right, of course. You can’t give it to anypony. But I can take it from you. Because I’m the God of Time, and when you’re a god of something, you can do with it whatever you like.”
“But… but…” Fluttershy was on the verge of tears. “But why? You said we were friends. You helped Angel!”
“Why? Because as I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I’m a business pony at heart, and it’s high time I started making a profit. Do you know what I’ve been doing these past millennia? Building demand. As any good business pony knows, and I think you’ll find that I’m a very good business pony, all commerce runs on the principle of supply and demand. And for the longest time, there was just too much time! Too much supply! Did you know, in the earliest ages, there was so much extra time lying about that no pony ever died? Your Celestia is a holdover from those early years. A bit of a hoarder, that one, but who can blame her? Business was hard then. Who would spend money on something you could pick up anywhere? Something as common as air and water? So I waited. I let you little ponies use my time for free, let you waste it. And you ponies really are so very wasteful, have you ever noticed? Hundreds of millions of years passed, and ponies began to die. I didn’t step in then, though. I decided to let them taste it for a while, let them develop a terrible taste for bitter inevitable death. Even then, I didn’t step in. I was building up demand. The less there was, the more valuable my stock became. So I let them die for a few millennia, let them forget the banquet of everlasting life. But our time is now, your time is now, Fluttershy. Time is running out for us all, but yours quicker than most. Because I’m back, and I’ve brought eternal life back into the world. For a price. And you, Fluttershy, owe me quite a bit.”
“My friends will stop you!” Fluttershy cried. “Twilight will stop you!”
“Actually,” the God of Time said, pausing, “I think you’re right. I believe Twilight Sparkle will be my next customer. As for you, I think I’ll be having that time back now.”
The God of Time touched her. Fluttershy fell to the ground, withered and rotten and grey.
“Next time around, read the fine print, dear Fluttershy.”
“I’m so very, very sorry,” Fluttershy said from the doorway, as graciously as she could. “I’m sure you’re an awfully important pony, Mr. God of Time, and I’m sure you have an awfully important reason for visiting, but I’m just too busy today. Oh, I don’t mean that I think you’re not busy, or that my time is more important than yours. I’m sure taking care of time keeps you very busy too. It’s just my poor Angel Bunny. He’s sick with a very bad case of…” And here Fluttershy hesitated, for saying the name out loud might make it real, and she so very wanted it to not be real.
Instead, Fluttershy told the God of Time and herself, “He’s sick with the snuffles. That’s all. But it’s still a very bad case of the snuffles, and he shouldn’t be left alone for even a moment. I should be with him right now. I’m so sorry, I just have no time for you today, Mr. God of Time.”
The God of Time understood, politely wished Angel Bunny the best, and agreed to come another day. Fluttershy may have had no time, but the God of Time had nothing but. Too much even, some might say.
The deity left her a business card and went back down the path from Fluttershy’s cottage. Fluttershy went back to Angel Bunny.
“There’s no such thing as a God of Time,” Twilight said a few days later when Angel’s health had improved and Fluttershy had a chance to go into town. Even as Twilight said it, she was pulling books from the shelves of her library to confirm. “At least none that I’ve ever heard of.”
“Well,” Fluttershy murmured, sitting at a table and sipping at a cup of bitter tea, “he said he was the God of Time, so that must be what what he was. He didn’t have any reason to lie.”
“That isn’t how it works,” Twilight said, already lost in some behemoth of an encyclopedia.
Fluttershy chose not to respond. She didn’t want to argue. This was the first real break she’d had since the start of Angel Bunny’s illness. Fluttershy did appreciate her friend's skeptical nature and thirst for truth, be sometimes she wished Twilight would just let things be, not turn every retelling of a strange encounter into a deposition.
Fluttershy scolded herself for thinking something so mean of a friend. Twilight wasn’t doing that at all. Fluttershy was just stressed. Taking care of Angel Bunny had been hard. Fluttershy forced herself to smile, intent on being amiable and having a good time, and said, “Of course, you must be right. You always are, Twilight.”
But of course Twilight couldn’t let it go. “Just what did this supposed God of Time look like?” she asked.
The God of Time looked like an earth pony stallion. He didn’t glow, his voice didn’t boom, and no magical aura radiated about his person. The God of Time looked like any other pony. A bit taller than average, perhaps, but otherwise normal. He wore a two-penny suit and kept his dark mane slicked back. He had an easy smile, looked both professional and easy-going, like somebody Fluttershy could trust.
That was the best word for him, Fluttershy decided—trustworthy. He had been a very easy pony to believe. It was strange, but Fluttershy wanted to believe him. If he gave any auras off at all, they were of honesty and friendliness, and that was why Fluttershy felt irritated that Twilight wouldn’t believe her. Twilight hadn’t met him. She didn’t know what he was like.
Fluttershy may not have been as smart as Twilight, but if a life spent caring for animals had taught her anything, it was the game of predator and prey.
“I think you should be careful around this pony,” Twilight said. “I don’t know why, but he’s lying to you. If he tries to sell you anything, don’t buy it.”
Fluttershy started to retort, but bit her tongue. She didn’t want to argue. She hated arguing.
“And how is Angel?” Twilight’s voice became softer. “Is he doing any better?”
Here, Fluttershy hesitated again. Because she was a liar. Angel Bunny didn’t have the snuffles. He had something much worse. But Fluttershy still couldn’t say it, because she still didn’t want it to be real.
“I’m sorry,” Twilight said, pulling her into a quick hug. “If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.”
But what could Twilight have done?
As promised, The God of Time came knocking at Fluttershy’s door again. But on this afternoon, Fluttershy invited him inside.
“Thanking you so much for taking the time to meet with me,” the God of Time said, and laughed hysterically at his own joke.
Fluttershy smiled politely.
When he finished laughing, the God of Time cleared his throat, sat up in his seat, and adopted a professional demeanor. “I’m sure you already know this, but above all else, I am a business pony. It’s who I’ve always been and who I’ll always be. And the first thing any successful business pony must learn is to make do with what he’s got. To make lemons into lemonade, as it were.” The God of Time leaned forward and raised his eyebrows comically, as if he and Fluttershy were the only two ponies in the world privy to some brilliant secret, and they both thought it a grand joke. “So, as is no surprise, my business is time. And today, I’m bringing my business to your humble little cottage, Fluttershy. Today, I come bearing time. Can’t you see it? Why, it’s practically spilling from my every pocket I’ve brought you so much.”
Fluttershy glanced at his pockets, and saw nothing.
“But alas,” the God of Time said, leaning back, his expression turning solemn, “I am a business pony, and an impoverished business pony at that. Time has been a hard business these past millennia, and I am the god of nothing else but time. I’m no lord of realty or stocks, as I’ve learned the hard way. The day has finally come that I make a profit on the only worthwhile product I’ve ever had.” The God of Time smiled again, all solemnity gone. “It’s your lucky day, because I’ve chosen you, Fluttershy, to be my first customer. I’ve put together a special personalized offer just for you.”
If he tries to sell you anything, don’t buy it, Twilight had said.
Fluttershy frowned.
The God of Time’s smile tightened. It didn’t drop away all together, but went from jovial to something else, something more personal. “I can see some hesitation in your eyes, Fluttershy,” he said, the tone of his voice suggesting that Fluttershy was some poor lost little lamb that had been led astray in the woods. “Some worry or skepticism. That is to be expected. This is an incredible deal, after all. Unprecedented, even! I perfectly understand. But I’m trying to help you, Fluttershy. I would smooth out any anxieties you might have. If there’s anything I can do, please tell me.”
But what could the God of Time have done?
Quite a bit actually.
Most gods can.
“It’s just…” Fluttershy hesitated, but the God of Time’s smile disarmed her. “It’s my friend, Twilight. She said that—”
“You mean Twilight Sparkle!” The God of Time jumped out of his seat. Fluttershy thought she saw something like anger pass behind his eyes, but it vanished in a moment. “Would you believe it, I had planned her to be my first customer. Heavens know no other pony in Equestria could use an extra hour in her day, and the whole of the kingdom would benefit besides. But, as you say, she is far too needling. I’m convinced you would appreciate my help far more than she, Fluttershy. So what does the young princess demand? Proof of my claim to godhood, perhaps?”
Fluttershy shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “Well, yes…”
“It is proof easily shown!” With a skip in his step, the God of Time trotted over to one of Fluttershy’s house plants and touched it with a hoof.
The plant began to shrink. It’s leaves fell back into the stem, and stem drew back into the soil of the pot, until there was nothing left.
Fluttershy gasped. She got up and examined the spot where the plant had been, but there was no sign of it.
The God of Time smirked. “I can just as easily send it the other way.”
Under the deity’s touch, the stem popped out of the soil again, leaves folded outwards until it looked just the same as it had before. But it didn’t stop there. The plant grew wildly, tall and taller, its leaves wider and wider. Then it drooped, collapsed on itself, green leaves turned brown and then black and then gray. A moment later, all that was left was ash.
“Is this proof enough?” The God of Time asked.
“Oh, yes! Yes!” Fluttershy cried. “I knew Twilight just had to be wrong. I knew you were the God of Time. I knew you were a friend. I could just tell. I always can.”
“Yes,” the God of Time said, “I am your friend. Now may we get back to business?”
“Absolutely,” Fluttershy said. “Anything you want, Mr. God of Time!”
The God of Time seemed amused at that. “What I want, dear Fluttershy, is to help. I come bearing time, and I bear it for you. It can be yours—for a price.”
“Oh, but… I don’t really want anymore time.”
It was true. While she heard other ponies often complain that there were never enough hours in the day, Fluttershy had always felt that each day had a perfectly reasonable number. She went to bed every night feeling tired enough, and every morning she woke feeling rested enough. She got all the work done she needed to. No more and no less. What good would more time do her?
The God of Time shook his head sadly. “Oh, Fluttershy, you selfish creature. I do not mean for you to use this time on yourself. I mean for you to use it on another.”
Then Fluttershy understood. She looked towards where Angel Bunny slept. Even in sleep, his breath was ragged.
“Just how is poor little Angel Bunny doing?” The God of Time asked.
Here, Fluttershy hesitated, for all the same reasons.
“You’ve seen it before,” The God of Time said. “He’s running out of time, and he’ll soon be out. But surely you must recognize the miracle this day has brought you? A whole sackful of time just traipsed through your front door, and it’s yours for the taking, to take away as much as you can carry. His time doesn’t need run out. He can have more, if you choose. He could live for years. He could live longer than any bunny rabbit ever has.”
This time, Fluttershy didn’t hesitate. “What do you want?” she asked.
“What does any business pony want?” The God of Time smiled again, his teeth glinting white. “Money.”
Fluttershy gathered her purse, gathered her savings, gathered every coin she could fund under the cushions of her sofa. When it was all collected, she asked the God of Time, “What will this get me? How much time will this buy Angel Bunny? I can find more. I can sell my things. I can ask my friends, if it isn’t enough.”
The God of Time carefully counted out every bit. He considered for a long time, while Fluttershy waited anxiously. Finally, he said, “Enough. It will buy him enough.”
Just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time asked, “And will you be making this purchase with a God of Time MasterCard or store card today?”
Fluttershy frowned. “Um, no. I’m paying with cash.”
“Oh, yes, of course,” the God of Time said. “But do you have either of those cards?”
“Well… no.”
The God of Time looked shocked and then delights. “Have I ever got a deal for you! This month, and only this month, if you sign up and are approved for a God of Time MasterCard, you’ll receive a free twenty minutes off of this purchase! What do you say?”
“Um…”
“It only takes two minutes!”
“I don’t really…”
“No annual fee!”
“It’s not that…”
“Doesn’t Angel Bunny deserve every extra minute you can get him? Especially when that time is free?
“I guess when you put it that way…”
Two minutes later, Fluttershy was the owner of a shiny, brand new God of Time MasterCard, and Angel Bunny was twenty minutes richer.
Again, just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time asked, “And would you happen to be a member of the God of Time Super Customer Rewards Program?”
“I don’t think so…”
“Would you like to sign up? All it takes is a name, phone number, and email. There are no fees, no cards. Just every time you make a purchase at any God of Time retailer, you earn points which can later be redeemed for free time. Also,during certain sales and on special select items we’ll have special prices just for Super Customer members. Enroll now, and start earning points today!”
“I guess so…”
A name, phone number, and email later, Fluttershy was a Super Customer.
Again, just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time said, ”And this product is eligible for a ninety day God of Time Purchase Protect Warranty for just an extra fifteen bits!”
“A what?”
“I, as the God of Time, would like to ensure that all of my customers are satisfied with my product. With a ninety day God of Time Purchase Protect Warranty, if you have any problems with this purchased time, any breaks, temporary loss of coverage, or death within the first ninety days after purchase, and your purchase will be fully refunded!”
“I guess if you think it’s necessary…”
An extra fifteen bits later, and Fluttershy was in possession of a ninety day God of Time Purchase Protect warranty.
Again, just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time asked, ”And would you like to donate to the God of Time Paladins at Home program?”
“Is Angel still getting his extra time?”
“The God of Time Paladins at Home program raises funds to assist former Royal Guardsmen and their families by making necessary repairs, improvements, or modifications to their homes. You care about the former Royal Guardsmen who spent the best years of their lives keeping you and Angel Bunny safe?”
And because Fluttershy did care about the former Royal Guardsmen, she donated one bit and became a proud sponsor of the God of Time Paladins at Home program.
Again, just as they were about to shake hoofs and finish the deal, the God of Time asked, ”Would you like these coupons along with your receipt?”
Exhausted, Fluttershy said, “Whatever.”
The God of Time left soon after, with all of Fluttershy’s money. Only, Angel Bunny was hopping about the cottage, energetically scolding Fluttershy and the other animals, and demanding specially prepared meals. It was as if he had never been sick.
In her delight, Fluttershy never noticed that the God of Time had left her houseplant dead and rotten and grey.
Months later, Twilight examined Angel Bunny. “I can’t find any magical residue in his system at all,” Twilight said, baffled. “Which shouldn’t be possible. If this supposed God of Time used magic to heal him, there would be some measurable trace of it. But there’s no trace of the illness, either. It’s as if he was never sick.”
“It wasn’t magic,” Fluttershy said, content. She had never said the name of the illness, and so it had never become real. Fluttershy had stopped naming lots of things she didn’t like.
“Then what did he to do to Angel?” Twilight asked.
“He gave him more time,” Fluttershy answered simply.
“Yes, but how? And what does that even mean? What does giving somepony more time entail?”
Fluttershy shrugged. She didn’t need anymore than to know that Angel was safe and healthy. Twilight could poke and prod and become frustrated if she chose, but it would change nothing. Angel was alive, and he would be alive for years yet.
“Listen, Fluttershy,” Twilight said seriously, “I know you’re happy for Angel, but you need to think about this. Whatever power this God of Time is using is strange and unpredictable. It could just as easily harm as help. We don’t know anything about this pony, or what his motives are. He could be dangerous! Please, the next time you see or hear from him, come straight to me.”
Fluttershy nodded along, but she wasn’t really listening.
That night, the God of Time trotted up the path to Fluttershy’s cottage and knocked on the door. Fortunately, Fluttershy had all the time in the world, and she welcomed him right in.
“Oh no, that won’t be necessary,” the God of Time said. “You see, I’m only visiting because I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve missed your first scheduled payment. And that’s a problem.”
“What payment?” Fluttershy asked. She didn’t like the God of Time’s demeanor this visit. He was smiling, but his smile was wrong somehow. It was too smug.
“On your God of Time MasterCard, of course.”
“But I’ve never used that card!”
“Yes, you did!” The God of Time looked at her like she was a child acting up. “Don’t you ponies ever pay attention? Your very first purchase of time was charged to the card when you first signed up and were approved.”
“But you took all my bits, too!”
“As a security deposit. And now I’m glad I did. It’s just for situations like this that they’re required.”
“But you took so much!”
The God of Time nodded distractedly, looking through a record book he had brought. “Yes, your credit was terrible. Now I can see why. Anyway, because of your poor credit, your card had a high interest rate. Something around twenty-six point nine percent, if I remember correctly. And you purchased quite a bit of time. A whole lifetime’s worth, actually. The card did have a six month grace period, but interest continued to accrue during that time. Unfortunately, the grace period is up, and you’ve missed your first payment, so there are also late fees to consider.”
“So how much do I owe?”
“Hmmm,” the God of Time hmmmed, scribbling in his record book. He tore a page out and lifted it up for her to see the number he’d written.
Fluttershy balked. “But that can’t be right.”
“I think you’d be surprised at how quickly interest can accumulate, especially on such a large purchase.”
“But I don’t even have that much!”
The God of Time smiled. “Oh, but you do, Fluttershy. Not in currency, no. But I think you’ll find that you have just enough in time to cover the debt. Just barely enough, actually. You’re lucky, when you think about it. Anymore, and you’d be dead outright. This way, you should at least have some time left to say goodbye to your friends. If you’re quick about it, that is.”
For a moment, Fluttershy couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t even speak. It must have been some prank, some joke.
“No,” the God of Time said, as if reading her mind, “credit card debt is really no joke at all.”
“I can’t give you all that time!” Fluttershy said.
“Oh, no, you’re right, of course. You can’t give it to anypony. But I can take it from you. Because I’m the God of Time, and when you’re a god of something, you can do with it whatever you like.”
“But… but…” Fluttershy was on the verge of tears. “But why? You said we were friends. You helped Angel!”
“Why? Because as I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I’m a business pony at heart, and it’s high time I started making a profit. Do you know what I’ve been doing these past millennia? Building demand. As any good business pony knows, and I think you’ll find that I’m a very good business pony, all commerce runs on the principle of supply and demand. And for the longest time, there was just too much time! Too much supply! Did you know, in the earliest ages, there was so much extra time lying about that no pony ever died? Your Celestia is a holdover from those early years. A bit of a hoarder, that one, but who can blame her? Business was hard then. Who would spend money on something you could pick up anywhere? Something as common as air and water? So I waited. I let you little ponies use my time for free, let you waste it. And you ponies really are so very wasteful, have you ever noticed? Hundreds of millions of years passed, and ponies began to die. I didn’t step in then, though. I decided to let them taste it for a while, let them develop a terrible taste for bitter inevitable death. Even then, I didn’t step in. I was building up demand. The less there was, the more valuable my stock became. So I let them die for a few millennia, let them forget the banquet of everlasting life. But our time is now, your time is now, Fluttershy. Time is running out for us all, but yours quicker than most. Because I’m back, and I’ve brought eternal life back into the world. For a price. And you, Fluttershy, owe me quite a bit.”
“My friends will stop you!” Fluttershy cried. “Twilight will stop you!”
“Actually,” the God of Time said, pausing, “I think you’re right. I believe Twilight Sparkle will be my next customer. As for you, I think I’ll be having that time back now.”
The God of Time touched her. Fluttershy fell to the ground, withered and rotten and grey.
“Next time around, read the fine print, dear Fluttershy.”
Was the iambic pentameter in the title intentional? Because if so, well done.
I'm not gonna lie, I enjoyed this thoroughly for most of its run. The dialogue, the characterization of the God of Time, the way the narration seemed to be in on the joke the whole time (:V)... The characters play well off of one another, too. Your prose was a pleasure to read, and your dialogue equally so.
Which is why I was sorry to see it fall flat at the very end. The last few paragraphs are a really abrupt tonal shift, and the story ends on a dark (albeit darkly comedic) note, retroactively turning the entire story into the set-up for a punch-line that feels like a literal punch. It's not just the shift in tone that's abrupt; the ending feels abrupt. It feels like the end to a second act meant to set up a third where Twilight outwits the God of Time and wins back Fluttershy's, uh... time.
I also found it curious that neither Twilight nor Fluttershy thought of their friendship with Discord, MLP's OG trickster god, in a situation where Fluttershy is forced to contend with a trickster god.
Three other things that I didn't really enjoy: Angel's sickness is unspecified (and I don't think even implied); the God of Time's unbroken rant at the end felt really out-of-place, and why is there email in MLP world.
But it's good comedy overall. Good writing, good characterization. I'd love to see a more fleshed-out conclusion if and when you repost it to FIMfic, or wherever.
I'm not gonna lie, I enjoyed this thoroughly for most of its run. The dialogue, the characterization of the God of Time, the way the narration seemed to be in on the joke the whole time (:V)... The characters play well off of one another, too. Your prose was a pleasure to read, and your dialogue equally so.
Which is why I was sorry to see it fall flat at the very end. The last few paragraphs are a really abrupt tonal shift, and the story ends on a dark (albeit darkly comedic) note, retroactively turning the entire story into the set-up for a punch-line that feels like a literal punch. It's not just the shift in tone that's abrupt; the ending feels abrupt. It feels like the end to a second act meant to set up a third where Twilight outwits the God of Time and wins back Fluttershy's, uh... time.
I also found it curious that neither Twilight nor Fluttershy thought of their friendship with Discord, MLP's OG trickster god, in a situation where Fluttershy is forced to contend with a trickster god.
Three other things that I didn't really enjoy: Angel's sickness is unspecified (and I don't think even implied); the God of Time's unbroken rant at the end felt really out-of-place, and why is there email in MLP world.
But it's good comedy overall. Good writing, good characterization. I'd love to see a more fleshed-out conclusion if and when you repost it to FIMfic, or wherever.
Disclaimer: I am a person. Therefore, I have biases. I try to look at things objectively, but that does not mean I always succeed. Furthermore, I'm not an authority. If any of my critique does not make sense on its own, poke me to convey my reasoning, and upon hearing it, decide for yourself if it has validity or not. Also, all exaggerations and comparisons made are not to ridicule, but to better convey the essence of my critique. Last but not least, my reviews contain unmarked spoilers, although I may use the [.spoiler] command occasionally.
That being said, I don't think I can critique this story in a technical manner, as most that stuff is handled well. Characterization was handled well, too. I think the author of this is more of a veteran.
I was going to critique that a god with a unique currency to offer does not need money, and would not need business schemes to get what he wants. Then, I thought about how making money seems to become its own merit in the humans of our world, even if they already have more than they could ever hope to spend in a single lifetime... which means it kinda isn't a valid critique.
I can't find a valid point of critique, so why don't I like it? I guess it's just not a story for me. All I saw was a fraud exploiting the naivety and emotional weakness of a good person. It's something I've witnessed in real life, and I find nothing comedic or enjoyable about it. Especially Fluttershy just clicking "accept, accept, accept" to save her dearest friend felt aggravating and dark to me.
Concluding remarks:
A well-written piece reflecting real-world dynamics, but nothing I'll ever enjoy reading about.
That being said, I don't think I can critique this story in a technical manner, as most that stuff is handled well. Characterization was handled well, too. I think the author of this is more of a veteran.
I was going to critique that a god with a unique currency to offer does not need money, and would not need business schemes to get what he wants. Then, I thought about how making money seems to become its own merit in the humans of our world, even if they already have more than they could ever hope to spend in a single lifetime... which means it kinda isn't a valid critique.
I can't find a valid point of critique, so why don't I like it? I guess it's just not a story for me. All I saw was a fraud exploiting the naivety and emotional weakness of a good person. It's something I've witnessed in real life, and I find nothing comedic or enjoyable about it. Especially Fluttershy just clicking "accept, accept, accept" to save her dearest friend felt aggravating and dark to me.
Concluding remarks:
A well-written piece reflecting real-world dynamics, but nothing I'll ever enjoy reading about.
Huh. This is one of those rare fics that really wouldn't have lost anything for being original fiction. In fact, I think I might have enjoyed it better if it was, if only because being pony fiction brings a lot of expectations that weren't really met here. I was sure halfway through that Angel was in on this guy's con the whole time, and he used a trick on the plant. Instead, it turned out to be a modern fable that portrays Equestrian life almost exactly like ours, with all focus on the premise instead of the established characters or setting. It was done pretty well, but it was just done in the wrong month.
why would he go after Twilight next, if she's so keen and skeptical?
why kill her, instead of squeezing more interest out of her? or use her as a hostage to rope the rest of the Mane 6 into a scheme?
actually, if he's got so much time, and it's not valuable to him, why repo it? I thought he only wanted money? once again, I question why he's not instead using Fluttershy as leverage. to get more of.... whatever he really wants.
the rest of the story's great. just the grim ending raising too many questions. makes the villain and his motivations seem kinda flimsy.
“Why? Because as I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I’m a business pony at heart, and it’s high time I started making a profit. Do you know what I’ve been doing these past millennia? Building demand. As any good business pony knows, and I think you’ll find that I’m a very good business pony, all commerce runs on the principle of supply and demand. And for the longest time, there was just too much time! Too much supply! Did you know, in the earliest ages, there was so much extra time lying about that no pony ever died? Your Celestia is a holdover from those early years. A bit of a hoarder, that one, but who can blame her? Business was hard then. Who would spend money on something you could pick up anywhere? Something as common as air and water? So I waited. I let you little ponies use my time for free, let you waste it. And you ponies really are so very wasteful, have you ever noticed? Hundreds of millions of years passed, and ponies began to die. I didn’t step in then, though. I decided to let them taste it for a while, let them develop a terrible taste for bitter inevitable death. Even then, I didn’t step in. I was building up demand. The less there was, the more valuable my stock became. So I let them die for a few millennia, let them forget the banquet of everlasting life. But our time is now, your time is now, Fluttershy. Time is running out for us all, but yours quicker than most. Because I’m back, and I’ve brought eternal life back into the world. For a price. And you, Fluttershy, owe me quite a bit.”
Writer's Pro Tip: Every line of text in a paragraph, especially dialogue, past the fifth halves the amount of readers who will read past the second or so.
The entire story ended up being a setup for an exposition dump which makes no sense.
Literally just off the top of my head, here's some things the God of Time could have done with his powers instead if he needed money: Wine and cheese, reforestation for lumber mills, antique restoration, archaeological fraud, "organic" refridgeration -- Fresh, never frozen!, honestly anything requiring fermentation, miracle surgeon, the manufacture of complex minerals and fossil fuels...or if he's just in it for the long game, set up investment banking ten thousand years ago and live off the accumulated interest.
Instead you took the concept of this character towards extortion and fraud.
Why?
You never establish why he needs money, other than that he does. Why the mane 6 as his first customers? So he can trivially kill the only 'possible' threat to a mad God? If he's the God of time, what threat would they pose anyway? Why murder Fluttershy? He's repossessing her of her time, which he has an infinite amount of, just killing her accomplishes nothing! It doesn't even send a better message than giving her just enough to say goodbye! Or let her live and pay off the interest indefinitely for threat of repossession! And, perhaps of greatest personal interest to me, why wasn't Discord, Fluttershy's canon God friend, involved?
Look, what I'm trying to say was this was interestingly written, but you do nothing in service of your own concept. His character interactions make no sense. His means of making money in no way support the concept you've given him; the only thing that ties his extortion to his powers is that he's selling his powers as a product. That connection is not in and of itself interesting or explain why there aren't better, more ethical ways for him to do this. More importantly, they don't explain why he wouldn't try those, or would try those, or anything.
There is no explanation or justification for anything here other than this is what has happened. And it strained my suspension of disbelief to snapping point.
That he's being unethical with his powers could have been interesting if the end result wasn't so nonsensical.
And I don't see how it really ties to the prompt either. I mean, I do, I just find that connection tenuous.
>>wYvern
I was going to critique that a god with a unique currency to offer does not need money, and would not need business schemes to get what he wants. Then, I thought about how making money seems to become its own merit in the humans of our world, even if they already have more than they could ever hope to spend in a single lifetime... which means it kinda isn't a valid critique.
It's simple; Because that's not established in-story. Your critique is valid.
Well, all I could say is bit of a mix of all that has already been said.
The prose is fine. There’s nothing to say about the execution. It's a nifty parable, though it left me with a bit of a déjà vu aftertaste.
Simply, it doesn't feel really pony. Simple world-building without any particular exploitation of the background.
I have some questions:
1. Why does the God of Time targets Fluttershy among all other ponies? Because she's the most gullible?
2. Why would the God of Time need real money?
3. Why does he want to be paid back in time rather than in bits?
4. What does he gain at the end?
So I agree with the others. It's a fine example of send-up on business practices by pedlars, and at the end the dark twist is unexpected and nonsensical. Not bad, though.
The prose is fine. There’s nothing to say about the execution. It's a nifty parable, though it left me with a bit of a déjà vu aftertaste.
Simply, it doesn't feel really pony. Simple world-building without any particular exploitation of the background.
I have some questions:
1. Why does the God of Time targets Fluttershy among all other ponies? Because she's the most gullible?
2. Why would the God of Time need real money?
3. Why does he want to be paid back in time rather than in bits?
4. What does he gain at the end?
So I agree with the others. It's a fine example of send-up on business practices by pedlars, and at the end the dark twist is unexpected and nonsensical. Not bad, though.
This story isn't on my slate; I read it because I saw it getting a lot of comments that sounded unreasonable, so I checked. I disagree with a lot of them. This story is (mostly) great.
As to being pony, it's pony because Fluttershy, Angel, and Twilight are pony, and because a God of Time fits in Equestria better than he would into generic fantasy settings. The story grows out of Fluttershy's personality and her relationship with Angel Bunny, and the personalities of Twilight and Angel are also useful to it. I don't understand the "not pony" complaints at all. The original point of fan-fiction is to write about the characters, and this does that better than any of the other stories I've read in this competition, so ???
Character voicing is done well. Fluttershy, the God of Time, and the narrator all have distinctive & consistent voices. The GoT's voice is Discord's voice, though, which is odd in an MLP story, because then it seems Discord is disguising himself in order to kill Flutters. That probably isn't what you intended.
I would ignore the comments asking whyDiscord GoT wants money, or why he wants payment back in time. This kind of story is not that literal. This is a pseudo-fairy tale. Story elements are, let's say, symbolic.
The dark ending, though... it's a choice. Maybe it's not a bad choice. It feels like a questionable tonal shift, though. This story is unique enough, and out-of-place enough, that we struggle to locate it in story-space, and we might need some extra hints in the start and middle about how dark it might be.
I'm undecided on how much of a problem the wall-o-text is which MrNumbers commented on. It is a wall of dialogue, but it's great dialogue, and it's supposed to come out in an overpowering rush. It is hostile. Maybe break it in two & insert a response from Flutters before "So I waited".
The only thing I can single out as bad is a semantic mismatch:
Actually, he doesn't think she's right. He doesn't think Twilight will stop him. Change that from "I think you're right" to something like "you have a point. Perhaps I should make Twilight..." As it is, it stopped me and broke the flow of the story at the worst possible moment.
As to being pony, it's pony because Fluttershy, Angel, and Twilight are pony, and because a God of Time fits in Equestria better than he would into generic fantasy settings. The story grows out of Fluttershy's personality and her relationship with Angel Bunny, and the personalities of Twilight and Angel are also useful to it. I don't understand the "not pony" complaints at all. The original point of fan-fiction is to write about the characters, and this does that better than any of the other stories I've read in this competition, so ???
Character voicing is done well. Fluttershy, the God of Time, and the narrator all have distinctive & consistent voices. The GoT's voice is Discord's voice, though, which is odd in an MLP story, because then it seems Discord is disguising himself in order to kill Flutters. That probably isn't what you intended.
I would ignore the comments asking why
The dark ending, though... it's a choice. Maybe it's not a bad choice. It feels like a questionable tonal shift, though. This story is unique enough, and out-of-place enough, that we struggle to locate it in story-space, and we might need some extra hints in the start and middle about how dark it might be.
I'm undecided on how much of a problem the wall-o-text is which MrNumbers commented on. It is a wall of dialogue, but it's great dialogue, and it's supposed to come out in an overpowering rush. It is hostile. Maybe break it in two & insert a response from Flutters before "So I waited".
The only thing I can single out as bad is a semantic mismatch:
“My friends will stop you!” Fluttershy cried. “Twilight will stop you!”
“Actually,” the God of Time said, pausing, “I think you’re right. I believe Twilight Sparkle will be my next customer.
Actually, he doesn't think she's right. He doesn't think Twilight will stop him. Change that from "I think you're right" to something like "you have a point. Perhaps I should make Twilight..." As it is, it stopped me and broke the flow of the story at the worst possible moment.
>>MrNumbers
See, that's where I disagree. Having to establish symbolism in-story makes them kinda useless.
Also, I like stories that exploit the ponyverse for exploring real-world dynamics, therefore "un-pony" was never a valid criticism for me. You can use the toolbox that is MLP:FiM to tell stories for children, but it says nowhere in the rulebook that you cannot use it to tell real-world stories.
I cannot find fault with this story. I agree with >>Bad Horse on all the points he made, with the only distinction that I didn't like the story one bit.
It's simple; Because that's not established in-story. Your critique is valid.
See, that's where I disagree. Having to establish symbolism in-story makes them kinda useless.
Also, I like stories that exploit the ponyverse for exploring real-world dynamics, therefore "un-pony" was never a valid criticism for me. You can use the toolbox that is MLP:FiM to tell stories for children, but it says nowhere in the rulebook that you cannot use it to tell real-world stories.
I cannot find fault with this story. I agree with >>Bad Horse on all the points he made, with the only distinction that I didn't like the story one bit.
>>MrNumbers
>>Bad Horse
>>wYvern
Again I find myself at odds with Bad Horse (nothing personal to you chap!). I think MrNumbers has the right perspective on how the motivation was explained within the narrative. But, I also somewhat agree with Bad Horse that the motivation (if formatted like a fairy tale) would essentially be irrelevant in the story as written regardless. If it is the author's intention for this story to be parabolic, the motivations shouldn't matter. But if a more fairy tale atmosphere was intended, it did not succeed.
The primary problem I have with this story is that it doesn't build to anything in particular, and as Wyvern describes, it seems to be a story solely about a wry (and wicked) businessman taking advantage of an innocent person. The metaphor I think of being in debt "time" rather than money is a fairly cut and dry parallel that is interestingly presented, but ultimately doesn't make any grand statement to it. In other words, I think the metaphor is squandered.
As MrNumbers has said, you have an interesting concept, but you haven't done anything particularly interesting with it or given the reader any definitive take away. What I am supposed to think of Fluttershy, the God of Time, or what transpired other than: well that was a bad thing that happened, what a bad man he is?
I disagree with anyone that is trying to say that the ending is a "twist" or somehow unfitting in the sense of plot progression. The whole ordeal from the beginning of taking out a loan communicates the idea of a "Monkey's Paw" to this whole arrangement with the God of Time that essentially drains the tension out of the conclusion, because as the reader is aware, taking on a series of increasingly outrageous deals only leads to a bad end. This is blatantly foreshadowed with the dying plants.
I do agree, however, that this is a bit of an inappropriate tonal shift given the nature of dialogue and previous characterization of the God of Time, who, prior to his long-winded villainous monologue, and a Flim-Flam-esque mischievousness, but not malicious con-man who made quick quips. His sudden descent into outright villainy is a bit inappropriate considering the nature of his dialogue.
Your knack for prose and narrative voice is well-noted, however. Strong piece in regards to presentation, just lacking as a story with a cohesive thesis.
Opinion: Above Average
>>Bad Horse
>>wYvern
Again I find myself at odds with Bad Horse (nothing personal to you chap!). I think MrNumbers has the right perspective on how the motivation was explained within the narrative. But, I also somewhat agree with Bad Horse that the motivation (if formatted like a fairy tale) would essentially be irrelevant in the story as written regardless. If it is the author's intention for this story to be parabolic, the motivations shouldn't matter. But if a more fairy tale atmosphere was intended, it did not succeed.
The primary problem I have with this story is that it doesn't build to anything in particular, and as Wyvern describes, it seems to be a story solely about a wry (and wicked) businessman taking advantage of an innocent person. The metaphor I think of being in debt "time" rather than money is a fairly cut and dry parallel that is interestingly presented, but ultimately doesn't make any grand statement to it. In other words, I think the metaphor is squandered.
As MrNumbers has said, you have an interesting concept, but you haven't done anything particularly interesting with it or given the reader any definitive take away. What I am supposed to think of Fluttershy, the God of Time, or what transpired other than: well that was a bad thing that happened, what a bad man he is?
I disagree with anyone that is trying to say that the ending is a "twist" or somehow unfitting in the sense of plot progression. The whole ordeal from the beginning of taking out a loan communicates the idea of a "Monkey's Paw" to this whole arrangement with the God of Time that essentially drains the tension out of the conclusion, because as the reader is aware, taking on a series of increasingly outrageous deals only leads to a bad end. This is blatantly foreshadowed with the dying plants.
I do agree, however, that this is a bit of an inappropriate tonal shift given the nature of dialogue and previous characterization of the God of Time, who, prior to his long-winded villainous monologue, and a Flim-Flam-esque mischievousness, but not malicious con-man who made quick quips. His sudden descent into outright villainy is a bit inappropriate considering the nature of his dialogue.
Your knack for prose and narrative voice is well-noted, however. Strong piece in regards to presentation, just lacking as a story with a cohesive thesis.
Opinion: Above Average
I would ignore the comments asking whyDiscordGoT wants money, or why he wants payment back in time. This kind of story is not that literal. This is a pseudo-fairy tale. Story elements are, let's say, symbolic.
now I have to drop the act and clarify my earlier comment >>Haze
don't take my suggestions too literally. I got that it's a fairy tale; it had me spellbound the whole way. and that ending is devastating, like a clean chop through the heart.
but I asked those silly questions to suggest that, at the end, something about the GoT's development was too distracting. maybe it's his monologue, or something else, that suddenly turns him into the most interesting character, rather than a mysterious, uncaring force of the universe. he loses his Symbolic Power, and transforms into a standard fantasy being (much like Discord, which he already resembles a little too much). and at that point I start thinking it's his story rather than Fluttershy's... but that interpretation leads to a weaker & incomplete story.
I don't know that much about fairy tales, and I don't entirely understand the "trickster devil" trope either. so I don't know how to suggest fixing this. I just know I had this reaction, and sensed that it was not the author's intent.
Very well written. It's pitch-perfect modern fable, and I was absolutely loving the magic realism for the first third or so. Pony doesn't get much magic realism because (ironically) magic is real in this world. So seeing a god just waltz around like a salesman was great.
Where it turned for me was when he specifically brought up MasterCard. I already knew this was going to dark places (slicked-back dark hair and a suit? of course he's evil!) so this was just out of place and unneeded. When the scene continued with all the other add-on purchases, my enjoyment just checked out. It wasn't done in a way that was humorous, and it dragged on far too long, bringing the fairy-tale like nature of the story to a grinding halt.
The scene with the debt-collection also falls flat. There's no "shock" or "surprise" at all in the "twist." Just a heavy-handed, anvilicious message about how credit card companies are jerks. GoT just shows up, says you own lots of time/money, and then takes it. There's no lesson learned, no moral given, none of the purposes a grim ending is typically supposed to accomplish in a fairy tale.
So, while I applaud the excellent style of writing at the start, the story itself left me rather disappointed.
Where it turned for me was when he specifically brought up MasterCard. I already knew this was going to dark places (slicked-back dark hair and a suit? of course he's evil!) so this was just out of place and unneeded. When the scene continued with all the other add-on purchases, my enjoyment just checked out. It wasn't done in a way that was humorous, and it dragged on far too long, bringing the fairy-tale like nature of the story to a grinding halt.
The scene with the debt-collection also falls flat. There's no "shock" or "surprise" at all in the "twist." Just a heavy-handed, anvilicious message about how credit card companies are jerks. GoT just shows up, says you own lots of time/money, and then takes it. There's no lesson learned, no moral given, none of the purposes a grim ending is typically supposed to accomplish in a fairy tale.
So, while I applaud the excellent style of writing at the start, the story itself left me rather disappointed.
>>Haze
Good point!
>>ShortNSweet ... who are you, you mysterious, erudite, and probably British stranger?
but I asked those silly questions to suggest that, at the end, something about the GoT's development was too distracting. maybe it's his monologue, or something else, that suddenly turns him into the most interesting character, rather than a mysterious, uncaring force of the universe. he loses his Symbolic Power, and transforms into a standard fantasy being (much like Discord, which he already resembles a little too much). and at that point I start thinking it's his story rather than Fluttershy's... but that interpretation leads to a weaker & incomplete story.
Good point!
>>ShortNSweet ... who are you, you mysterious, erudite, and probably British stranger?
>>Bad Horse
Fight me.
No but for real, there's a lot more for me to work off here than just flailing against the story-proper, so thanks for giving me, wittingly or not, the ability to do so.
I disagree with this very specifically, and here's why:
His motivations are scrutable, but illogical.
Now, had the same character been inscrutable I wouldn't have questioned the logic so much. My approach, then, was thinking of ways to make his approach more logical when you've provided me a very similar but opposed school of thought
Why not, instead, make him more inscrutable? His motives are too mundane, which is why I looked at it with the lens I did and found it wanting.
There's a reason I commented only on its length and not its contents. I'd break it into half at least, and maybe have some visual or other sensoral input to prevent it feeling too overwhelmingly talky.
>>ShortNSweet
Ditto, thanks for helping me summarize my own thoughts and argument largely better than I did.
Fight me.
No but for real, there's a lot more for me to work off here than just flailing against the story-proper, so thanks for giving me, wittingly or not, the ability to do so.
I would ignore the comments asking why Discord GoT wants money, or why he wants payment back in time. This kind of story is not that literal. This is a pseudo-fairy tale. Story elements are, let's say, symbolic.
I disagree with this very specifically, and here's why:
His motivations are scrutable, but illogical.
Now, had the same character been inscrutable I wouldn't have questioned the logic so much. My approach, then, was thinking of ways to make his approach more logical when you've provided me a very similar but opposed school of thought
Why not, instead, make him more inscrutable? His motives are too mundane, which is why I looked at it with the lens I did and found it wanting.
I'm undecided on how much of a problem the wall-o-text is which MrNumbers commented on. It is a wall of dialogue, but it's great dialogue, and it's supposed to come out in an overpowering rush. It is hostile. Maybe break it in two & insert a response from Flutters before "So I waited".
There's a reason I commented only on its length and not its contents. I'd break it into half at least, and maybe have some visual or other sensoral input to prevent it feeling too overwhelmingly talky.
>>ShortNSweet
Ditto, thanks for helping me summarize my own thoughts and argument largely better than I did.
Hmm. After all of the monumental evils that Celestia only told Twilight about as they were attacking, I’d expect her to realize that just because she’s never heard of a great power doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And that’s saying nothing of the lesson of Pinkie Sense. She can be a straw skeptic at times, but this feels off. (Granted, I’m not sure when this is taking place.)
Okay, you lost me with the signup benefits. This was a very interesting and tense story, but now it’s become a farce. (How does Fluttershy even have a phone number, much less an e-mail address?) And by the end, it’s just bad taste. This god isn’t interesting. He’s petty, annoying, pushy, and is in for some very interesting times himself. Heck, he’s not even a very good scammer. Any parasite that kills its host is doing it wrong. This story just feels like a big lump of wasted potential.
Okay, you lost me with the signup benefits. This was a very interesting and tense story, but now it’s become a farce. (How does Fluttershy even have a phone number, much less an e-mail address?) And by the end, it’s just bad taste. This god isn’t interesting. He’s petty, annoying, pushy, and is in for some very interesting times himself. Heck, he’s not even a very good scammer. Any parasite that kills its host is doing it wrong. This story just feels like a big lump of wasted potential.
I can't decide which side to join here :3
On the issue of there being other ways he could earn money, I'm not sure that's the point. The impression I got is he's not trying to earn money; he's trying to spite Fluttershy in any way he can, and he takes all her money to score points against her in his head. This is a story about a twisted, petty, greasy, spitting ball of hate lashing out at everyone around him at some percieved injustice, much like some petty asshat who ends up serial-killing women because one or two said 'no' to him and therefore they're all lying sluts. In that respect, it does a fine job of raising emotional hackles.
I agree it was rather too easy to see coming, though, and I was particularly puzzled by this line:
Surely this means Fluttershy, more than anyone else, should have seen the spiderweb she was walking into, but she spends the entire thing oblivious. It's an especially weird line because it comes in the middle of a segment where Fluttershy blithely insists he's trustworthy, but doesn't go anywhere with the assertion. It makes more sense if it's an actual thought Fluttershy's having - like "Fluttershy knew the game of predator and prey, and she could tell this pony wasn't a predator" - but as it's phrased, it sounds like an objective fact from the narration, that she is better at spotting these things, and so it's weird that she manifestly doesn't.
On the issue of there being other ways he could earn money, I'm not sure that's the point. The impression I got is he's not trying to earn money; he's trying to spite Fluttershy in any way he can, and he takes all her money to score points against her in his head. This is a story about a twisted, petty, greasy, spitting ball of hate lashing out at everyone around him at some percieved injustice, much like some petty asshat who ends up serial-killing women because one or two said 'no' to him and therefore they're all lying sluts. In that respect, it does a fine job of raising emotional hackles.
I agree it was rather too easy to see coming, though, and I was particularly puzzled by this line:
Fluttershy may not have been as smart as Twilight, but if a life spent caring for animals had taught her anything, it was the game of predator and prey.
Surely this means Fluttershy, more than anyone else, should have seen the spiderweb she was walking into, but she spends the entire thing oblivious. It's an especially weird line because it comes in the middle of a segment where Fluttershy blithely insists he's trustworthy, but doesn't go anywhere with the assertion. It makes more sense if it's an actual thought Fluttershy's having - like "Fluttershy knew the game of predator and prey, and she could tell this pony wasn't a predator" - but as it's phrased, it sounds like an objective fact from the narration, that she is better at spotting these things, and so it's weird that she manifestly doesn't.
Entry number 6, File Code Name, The Day the God of Time Stopped by for Tea
I was very skeptical about this one. Turns out I was more confused at the end at what this story was or how it came about. It jumbled from place to place and it really didn't make sense to me in some places. The killer mood for me, literately, was at the end. I won't say that you caused a few raised eyebrows, dear writer, but to me, I just don't like seeing something that ghastly to a beloved character.
I was very skeptical about this one. Turns out I was more confused at the end at what this story was or how it came about. It jumbled from place to place and it really didn't make sense to me in some places. The killer mood for me, literately, was at the end. I won't say that you caused a few raised eyebrows, dear writer, but to me, I just don't like seeing something that ghastly to a beloved character.
This story in a nutshell:
... and, you know, having copied and pasted that, it occurs to me that technically, credit card debt (and other applications of compound interest) do fall out at the fuzzy edges of the God of Time's portfolio -- but in the long and weird central stretch of this story where he gave her sales pitch after sales pitch, I couldn't help but think that the God of Capitalism was getting more and more annoyed, and getting ready to go wait behind the GoT's house with a baseball bat.
But, yeah. Count me among the bewildered. This started out with a lot of promise and a cool magical realism vibe (the first paragraph in particular, with the wry observation about ponies not having time for the GOT, was gold), but my suspension of disbelief was shaken when we learned that Twilight had directly interacted with the GOT and refused his deal, and yet merely gave Fluttershy a generic "he doesn't seem trustworthy" warning rather than comparing notes; and then it snapped when this broke the fourth wall with the extended sequence of pile-on offers. (Nitpick: Fluttershy gave him literally all her money; where was she coming up with the additional cash to buy the warranty, make the donation, etc.?) Thus ejected from the story, I found the last of my interest extinguished by the scrutable-yet-illogical motives >>MrNumbers outlined.
This seems like it's trying to have its cake and eat it too. The fairy-tale-like parts are the best part about it, but it makes a major point of breaking from that structure with naked social commentary on capitalism. Fluttershy falling afoul of his deal is a solid fairy-tale trope; explaining the details of interest rates and grace periods isn't. This doesn't make both work at once. I'm not sure it's possible to ... well, no, actually, I think it's possible, but it needs to align its mythology and its deconstruction better. This isn't a story about time, it's a story about business that's flavored with some time elements.
I'm going to nudge this one into a higher tier because, stripped of that weird anti-capitalist rant (and I'm not saying it's weird because it's incorrect, I'm saying it's weird because it's misplaced), this would really be turning my head. There are a lot of shining moments in the prose, like the opening I mentioned and the whole bit about Fluttershy refusing to name what was wrong with Angel; I am seeing some actively good writing here when the story's not falling into incoherence. But it needs some major editing, unfortunately.
Tier: Almost There
“No,” the God of Time said, as if reading her mind, “credit card debt is really no joke at all.”
... and, you know, having copied and pasted that, it occurs to me that technically, credit card debt (and other applications of compound interest) do fall out at the fuzzy edges of the God of Time's portfolio -- but in the long and weird central stretch of this story where he gave her sales pitch after sales pitch, I couldn't help but think that the God of Capitalism was getting more and more annoyed, and getting ready to go wait behind the GoT's house with a baseball bat.
But, yeah. Count me among the bewildered. This started out with a lot of promise and a cool magical realism vibe (the first paragraph in particular, with the wry observation about ponies not having time for the GOT, was gold), but my suspension of disbelief was shaken when we learned that Twilight had directly interacted with the GOT and refused his deal, and yet merely gave Fluttershy a generic "he doesn't seem trustworthy" warning rather than comparing notes; and then it snapped when this broke the fourth wall with the extended sequence of pile-on offers. (Nitpick: Fluttershy gave him literally all her money; where was she coming up with the additional cash to buy the warranty, make the donation, etc.?) Thus ejected from the story, I found the last of my interest extinguished by the scrutable-yet-illogical motives >>MrNumbers outlined.
This seems like it's trying to have its cake and eat it too. The fairy-tale-like parts are the best part about it, but it makes a major point of breaking from that structure with naked social commentary on capitalism. Fluttershy falling afoul of his deal is a solid fairy-tale trope; explaining the details of interest rates and grace periods isn't. This doesn't make both work at once. I'm not sure it's possible to ... well, no, actually, I think it's possible, but it needs to align its mythology and its deconstruction better. This isn't a story about time, it's a story about business that's flavored with some time elements.
I'm going to nudge this one into a higher tier because, stripped of that weird anti-capitalist rant (and I'm not saying it's weird because it's incorrect, I'm saying it's weird because it's misplaced), this would really be turning my head. There are a lot of shining moments in the prose, like the opening I mentioned and the whole bit about Fluttershy refusing to name what was wrong with Angel; I am seeing some actively good writing here when the story's not falling into incoherence. But it needs some major editing, unfortunately.
Tier: Almost There
>>horizon Since Titanium Dragon isn't here, it falls to me to ask you not to use the word "capitalism" to mean "what I call it whenever financial transactions cause harm instead of good." There are passages condemning interest-bearing monetary loans in the Old Testament. Either you have to call every economic system in history which has had money and private property "capitalism" (which would probably be the correct thing to do, IMHO), or don't call this a rant against capitalism.
Fluttershy should have just bought herself more time to pay her bill.
I am on the "mood whiplash" side of the disagreement here. I thought the first chunk of it was pretty good, but I think I would have enjoyed it more if it had kept the light hearted/comedy mood going the entire time.
I am on the "mood whiplash" side of the disagreement here. I thought the first chunk of it was pretty good, but I think I would have enjoyed it more if it had kept the light hearted/comedy mood going the entire time.
Oh, and one more thing I forgot to mention:
I am amused by the thought that the girl in LiseEclaire's Pocketful of Time a few rounds ago might be working for this God of Time.
(Hey, >>horizon, can those mash-ups span multiple rounds?)
I am amused by the thought that the girl in LiseEclaire's Pocketful of Time a few rounds ago might be working for this God of Time.
(Hey, >>horizon, can those mash-ups span multiple rounds?)
>>Bad Horse
Mea culpa. "Predatory lending," then.
Little personal mini-rant.
Capitalism, by which I mean running an economic system by the abstract system of laissez-faire supply-and-demand, is to economics what anarchy is to politics or evolution is to biology: It is a giant meat grinder rendering its inputs into a small band of winners and a lot of blood and tears and losers. It is inherently contradictory to civilization, by which I mean the human ideal of removing human society from the law of the jungle and allowing all humans (instead of merely the "fittest") to live lives of dignity and joy.
And yet there's no possible way we'd be here without it, just as we wouldn't even be multicellular organisms without the trial and error and pain and predation of evolution. The benefit of laissez-faire systems is that they are optimized to evolve their component parts into things which are fitter and more advanced. There are very few — perhaps no — areas in which intelligent design produces a more optimal end result than evolution. Even computer science and AI research have come around to this, and genetic algorithms have become a lot more than just a curiosity.
And yet^2, capitalism (modified with safeguards, such as monopoly-busting and anti-predatory-lending laws) is empirically the economic system that, so far, produces the highest overall standard of living the world has seen. As a close-to-home example, you're reading this message because it was the forces of capitalism which transformed the Internet from a military and academic curiosity into the near-global interconnection that binds us all together today.
I have such a love-hate relationship with capitalism.
I believe the goal of the collective biological organism "humanity" is, or should be, to evolve beyond the need for evolution: to have more control over our own destinies, and become more adaptable, than we would if we let nature take its course. Likewise, I believe the goal of human economics should be to evolve beyond the need for capitalism. I have no idea if we'll even figure out the principles to do so within my lifetime, but imnsho it can't come soon enough.
Mea culpa. "Predatory lending," then.
Little personal mini-rant.
Capitalism, by which I mean running an economic system by the abstract system of laissez-faire supply-and-demand, is to economics what anarchy is to politics or evolution is to biology: It is a giant meat grinder rendering its inputs into a small band of winners and a lot of blood and tears and losers. It is inherently contradictory to civilization, by which I mean the human ideal of removing human society from the law of the jungle and allowing all humans (instead of merely the "fittest") to live lives of dignity and joy.
And yet there's no possible way we'd be here without it, just as we wouldn't even be multicellular organisms without the trial and error and pain and predation of evolution. The benefit of laissez-faire systems is that they are optimized to evolve their component parts into things which are fitter and more advanced. There are very few — perhaps no — areas in which intelligent design produces a more optimal end result than evolution. Even computer science and AI research have come around to this, and genetic algorithms have become a lot more than just a curiosity.
And yet^2, capitalism (modified with safeguards, such as monopoly-busting and anti-predatory-lending laws) is empirically the economic system that, so far, produces the highest overall standard of living the world has seen. As a close-to-home example, you're reading this message because it was the forces of capitalism which transformed the Internet from a military and academic curiosity into the near-global interconnection that binds us all together today.
I have such a love-hate relationship with capitalism.
I believe the goal of the collective biological organism "humanity" is, or should be, to evolve beyond the need for evolution: to have more control over our own destinies, and become more adaptable, than we would if we let nature take its course. Likewise, I believe the goal of human economics should be to evolve beyond the need for capitalism. I have no idea if we'll even figure out the principles to do so within my lifetime, but imnsho it can't come soon enough.