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The Game
Twilight stared. Discord stared back. Derpy stared nowhere in particular.
"You know," Discord twirled his beard, "this reminds me of the time I conquered Equestria. The odds were stacked against me. Celestia had just found her magic jewelry collection and—"
"Your tricks won't work, Discord!" Twilight deadpanned. "I have spent months analyzing your behaviour. I've read everything written about you! The Starswirl chronicles, the Platinum scrolls, even Princess Celestia's personal diary."
Gasps filled the room. Seventy-five percent of all eyes focused on Twilight. How could you read somepony's diary?! They accused her silently. You need serious help. Have you considered therapy? Science can do wonders nowadays.
"I-I-it was just this one time!" Twilight stammered. "The Princess would understand. It was for a noble cause! You see that, right? Right?" She looked about in search of support.
"Does your future wife know about this obsession you have?" Discord grinned. It was just like him to exploit every weakness. "What would Rarity think if she were to find out she was marrying a mare who read others’ diaries?"
"It was just one diary, okay?!" Twilight's face turned red as a radish. "And if you whisper a word of this, I'll turn you to stone and I'll tell Celestia you read through it as well!" Time to turn the tables.
"Hey, it was only for research purposes!" The draconequus literally shrunk in size. "Besides, it was for the good of all Equestria! Not something a startup princess such as you would understand!"
"Err, maybe we should stop?" Derpy suggested cautiously. "I have to get Jumpy from kindergar—"
"It's not even five o'clock!" Twilight's snapped, cutting her off. Sorry, Derpy, but Discord has to be put in his place. "I understand far more than you think, you so-called god of chaos! Next you'll suggest we up the stakes."
"Well, if you are so convinced, why don't we up the—" Discord stopped. Like a foal caught stealing from the cookie jar, he frowned, pouted, then curled up in his chair. Nice try, but I know it's an act. Twilight narrowed her eyes. The information she had painstakingly gathered was paying off. Next he would try to create a diversion. "Derpy, I was wondering if I could ask for a tinsy-winsy favour?" Discord smiled widely.
"Glass of water?" Derpy offered, reaching for the mug of water on the table.
"Err, not this time." The draconequus waved a paw dismissively. "A glass of lemons with a touch of lightning," he said to Derpy's surprise. Still, the good host the pegasus was, she dashed into the kitchen to indulge him.
Twilight felt her wings tense up. This was it. The moment of truth. She knew Discord was about to cheat. Actually, she had conditioned him to do so. All her taunts, all the innocent remarks, long before they even entered Derpy's house had been for that precise purpose. Just go for it and see what happens.
"Here you go!" Derpy flew back from the kitchen with a glass of lightning bolts. "I used up all the lemons for muffins, sorry." She smiled sheepishly, as she handed the "drink" to Discord.
"Enough!" Twilight stood up, knocking her chair down in the process. "We end this now!"
"I couldn't have said it better myself," Discord smiled, then swallowed the glass of lightning bolts. "Three Wonderbolts." He put the cards confidently on the table.
"Ha! Three Princesses!" Twilight shouted victorious. "Who's number one now?"
"Celestial flush," Derpy announced happily, adding her cards to the rest. "I win."
"No!" Twilight gaped in horror. "But, but my research... I analyzed everything..."
"Guess you two will babysit Jumper this week again. Talking about Jumper..." Derpy glanced at the clock on the wall. "Must rush! Please clean up for me!" She dashed out of the room.
"Oh well, we were warned." Discord shrugged, patting the still traumatized Twilight on the shoulder. "We'll have to do better next time. You and Rares okay taking the first half of the week? I have this chaos tournament Monday."
"I even stole my mentor's diary," Twilight wept. "Celestia is going to kill me. Rarity is going to kill me! And I guaranteed I'd win this time."
"Hey, look on the bright side." Discord snapped his fingers. The cards stood up and started marching to the center of the table. "I mentioned our poker nights to Celestia and she said she'd come next time."
"Princess Celestia will be joining?" Twilight's eyes grew wide. Derpy will break her like a kitkat...
"You know," Discord twirled his beard, "this reminds me of the time I conquered Equestria. The odds were stacked against me. Celestia had just found her magic jewelry collection and—"
"Your tricks won't work, Discord!" Twilight deadpanned. "I have spent months analyzing your behaviour. I've read everything written about you! The Starswirl chronicles, the Platinum scrolls, even Princess Celestia's personal diary."
Gasps filled the room. Seventy-five percent of all eyes focused on Twilight. How could you read somepony's diary?! They accused her silently. You need serious help. Have you considered therapy? Science can do wonders nowadays.
"I-I-it was just this one time!" Twilight stammered. "The Princess would understand. It was for a noble cause! You see that, right? Right?" She looked about in search of support.
"Does your future wife know about this obsession you have?" Discord grinned. It was just like him to exploit every weakness. "What would Rarity think if she were to find out she was marrying a mare who read others’ diaries?"
"It was just one diary, okay?!" Twilight's face turned red as a radish. "And if you whisper a word of this, I'll turn you to stone and I'll tell Celestia you read through it as well!" Time to turn the tables.
"Hey, it was only for research purposes!" The draconequus literally shrunk in size. "Besides, it was for the good of all Equestria! Not something a startup princess such as you would understand!"
"Err, maybe we should stop?" Derpy suggested cautiously. "I have to get Jumpy from kindergar—"
"It's not even five o'clock!" Twilight's snapped, cutting her off. Sorry, Derpy, but Discord has to be put in his place. "I understand far more than you think, you so-called god of chaos! Next you'll suggest we up the stakes."
"Well, if you are so convinced, why don't we up the—" Discord stopped. Like a foal caught stealing from the cookie jar, he frowned, pouted, then curled up in his chair. Nice try, but I know it's an act. Twilight narrowed her eyes. The information she had painstakingly gathered was paying off. Next he would try to create a diversion. "Derpy, I was wondering if I could ask for a tinsy-winsy favour?" Discord smiled widely.
"Glass of water?" Derpy offered, reaching for the mug of water on the table.
"Err, not this time." The draconequus waved a paw dismissively. "A glass of lemons with a touch of lightning," he said to Derpy's surprise. Still, the good host the pegasus was, she dashed into the kitchen to indulge him.
Twilight felt her wings tense up. This was it. The moment of truth. She knew Discord was about to cheat. Actually, she had conditioned him to do so. All her taunts, all the innocent remarks, long before they even entered Derpy's house had been for that precise purpose. Just go for it and see what happens.
"Here you go!" Derpy flew back from the kitchen with a glass of lightning bolts. "I used up all the lemons for muffins, sorry." She smiled sheepishly, as she handed the "drink" to Discord.
"Enough!" Twilight stood up, knocking her chair down in the process. "We end this now!"
"I couldn't have said it better myself," Discord smiled, then swallowed the glass of lightning bolts. "Three Wonderbolts." He put the cards confidently on the table.
"Ha! Three Princesses!" Twilight shouted victorious. "Who's number one now?"
"Celestial flush," Derpy announced happily, adding her cards to the rest. "I win."
"No!" Twilight gaped in horror. "But, but my research... I analyzed everything..."
"Guess you two will babysit Jumper this week again. Talking about Jumper..." Derpy glanced at the clock on the wall. "Must rush! Please clean up for me!" She dashed out of the room.
"Oh well, we were warned." Discord shrugged, patting the still traumatized Twilight on the shoulder. "We'll have to do better next time. You and Rares okay taking the first half of the week? I have this chaos tournament Monday."
"I even stole my mentor's diary," Twilight wept. "Celestia is going to kill me. Rarity is going to kill me! And I guaranteed I'd win this time."
"Hey, look on the bright side." Discord snapped his fingers. The cards stood up and started marching to the center of the table. "I mentioned our poker nights to Celestia and she said she'd come next time."
"Princess Celestia will be joining?" Twilight's eyes grew wide. Derpy will break her like a kitkat...
Spreading the review love around to the stories with no feedback yet.
We just lost it.
I like the lead paragraph here; strong mental image and good tone setting. Nitpick on an early textual stumble: "Deadpanned" almost certainly is the wrong word here. To deadpan is to deliver a joke with a straight face, and Twilight very much appears to be delivering a straight line. Speaking of details, who is Jumpy/Jumper? (You use both names.) I know that Dinky being Derpy's filly is fanon rather than canon, but in a story this short where you want to quickly introduce "the name of Derpy's daughter" as a minor plot point, you definitely want to roll with that fanon rather than spending time/words on establishing a new OC.
More substantially here ... I'm not sure why you don't establish the poker game until over halfway through; there doesn't seem to be any benefit of withholding that information, and it robs the early confrontation of context. Worse yet, the story establishes a new conflict that has nothing to do with the poker game (the diary, and the gratuitous Rarilight shipping) before it grounds the first one, so it's firing at a moving target. This kept most of the silliness from landing for me; it needs to slow down and set the scene before it goes crazy with the jokes. It does improve near the end -- the card reveal was worth a smile, and I do appreciate the core joke of Derpy being a card shark -- but overall it feels like a miss.
Tier: Needs Work
The Game
We just lost it.
I like the lead paragraph here; strong mental image and good tone setting. Nitpick on an early textual stumble: "Deadpanned" almost certainly is the wrong word here. To deadpan is to deliver a joke with a straight face, and Twilight very much appears to be delivering a straight line. Speaking of details, who is Jumpy/Jumper? (You use both names.) I know that Dinky being Derpy's filly is fanon rather than canon, but in a story this short where you want to quickly introduce "the name of Derpy's daughter" as a minor plot point, you definitely want to roll with that fanon rather than spending time/words on establishing a new OC.
More substantially here ... I'm not sure why you don't establish the poker game until over halfway through; there doesn't seem to be any benefit of withholding that information, and it robs the early confrontation of context. Worse yet, the story establishes a new conflict that has nothing to do with the poker game (the diary, and the gratuitous Rarilight shipping) before it grounds the first one, so it's firing at a moving target. This kept most of the silliness from landing for me; it needs to slow down and set the scene before it goes crazy with the jokes. It does improve near the end -- the card reveal was worth a smile, and I do appreciate the core joke of Derpy being a card shark -- but overall it feels like a miss.
Tier: Needs Work
First of all, obligatory anti-mindvirus.
Okay, this isn’t fair. I’m contractually obligated to like any story where Best Pony is good at card games. However, this one doesn’t make it easy. There are a lot of extraneous details that distract from the central story: Rarilight, an unfamiliar Derpchild, the reference to real world candy, and so forth. This needs greater focus, more space to explore the other concepts, or both.
Sorry, but not even Derpy playing poker is enough for me to overlook the faults here. The good news is that they’re pretty easily fixed.
Okay, this isn’t fair. I’m contractually obligated to like any story where Best Pony is good at card games. However, this one doesn’t make it easy. There are a lot of extraneous details that distract from the central story: Rarilight, an unfamiliar Derpchild, the reference to real world candy, and so forth. This needs greater focus, more space to explore the other concepts, or both.
Sorry, but not even Derpy playing poker is enough for me to overlook the faults here. The good news is that they’re pretty easily fixed.
>>horizon
I think Deadpan works fine here. it's commonly associated with humor, but isn't intrinsic to its definition. Maud Pie rarely tries to be funny.
ON THE OTHER HOOF, in this context it doesn't seem like Twilight is deadpanning at all. her dialogue suggests some delivery of emotion. it's inconceivable to deadpan those sentences. and pretty soon she's lost her poker face and is "stammering" so it doesn't flow very well.
In this fic, I think I would almost prefer if there really was zany cheating going on. it doesn't feel like I was "mislead" into a joke, but more like all those verbal exchanges were just distractions so it didn't have to show what was actually happening. it was like the story was constantly trying to go off-topic, change the subject, etc. so actually getting the payoff didn't feel very rewarding to me.
Nitpick on an early textual stumble: "Deadpanned" almost certainly is the wrong word here. To deadpan is to deliver a joke with a straight face, and Twilight very much appears to be delivering a straight line.
I think Deadpan works fine here. it's commonly associated with humor, but isn't intrinsic to its definition. Maud Pie rarely tries to be funny.
ON THE OTHER HOOF, in this context it doesn't seem like Twilight is deadpanning at all. her dialogue suggests some delivery of emotion. it's inconceivable to deadpan those sentences. and pretty soon she's lost her poker face and is "stammering" so it doesn't flow very well.
In this fic, I think I would almost prefer if there really was zany cheating going on. it doesn't feel like I was "mislead" into a joke, but more like all those verbal exchanges were just distractions so it didn't have to show what was actually happening. it was like the story was constantly trying to go off-topic, change the subject, etc. so actually getting the payoff didn't feel very rewarding to me.
This has one of the best opening lines I've seen since I've joined this competition.
However, the more I think about this story, Writer, the less sense it makes. I realize this is entirely the wrong tack to take with a lighthearted comedy like this, but please bear with me a moment.
One of the main sticking points of the story for me is that the "future wife" comment seems to come out of nowhere. It feels like we've landed on the Rarilight(Twility? nah) ship for no better reason than Rarity would be the one most scandalized by Twilight's indiscretions with someone's diary.
In fact, this whole story feels like it's been built in a sort of alt-world that has a whole lot of backstory that we're not privy to. This is an eclectic trio of characters to have bouncing off of each other - not so much for Twilight and Discord, but dropping Derpy in the middle seems like an arbitrary decision. Her inclusion just feels like justification to have babysitting be her investment in the game.
Speaking of which, we have no idea what the stakes are for Twilight and Discord - what are they getting out of the game if they win? Are we meant to assume the only stakes on the table are babysitting duty, and this is a means of rotating that task among the three of them? Are Twilight, Discord, and Derpy all roommates, and they're gambling on who has to look after the well-being of Jumper? If so, what sane mother would think Discord would be an adequate babysitter, and how would he be okay with being saddled with that sort of responsibility?
My point is, this story makes a lot of assumptions based on knowledge of a world that I'm not privy to, and while I can make the necessary leaps to piece together a framework that lets me make sense of things from the details that are included, it feels like an awful lot of work for what is, again, a lighthearted comedy. Sorry, Writer, but this missed the mark for me.
However, the more I think about this story, Writer, the less sense it makes. I realize this is entirely the wrong tack to take with a lighthearted comedy like this, but please bear with me a moment.
One of the main sticking points of the story for me is that the "future wife" comment seems to come out of nowhere. It feels like we've landed on the Rarilight
In fact, this whole story feels like it's been built in a sort of alt-world that has a whole lot of backstory that we're not privy to. This is an eclectic trio of characters to have bouncing off of each other - not so much for Twilight and Discord, but dropping Derpy in the middle seems like an arbitrary decision. Her inclusion just feels like justification to have babysitting be her investment in the game.
Speaking of which, we have no idea what the stakes are for Twilight and Discord - what are they getting out of the game if they win? Are we meant to assume the only stakes on the table are babysitting duty, and this is a means of rotating that task among the three of them? Are Twilight, Discord, and Derpy all roommates, and they're gambling on who has to look after the well-being of Jumper? If so, what sane mother would think Discord would be an adequate babysitter, and how would he be okay with being saddled with that sort of responsibility?
My point is, this story makes a lot of assumptions based on knowledge of a world that I'm not privy to, and while I can make the necessary leaps to piece together a framework that lets me make sense of things from the details that are included, it feels like an awful lot of work for what is, again, a lighthearted comedy. Sorry, Writer, but this missed the mark for me.
This was amusing and creative, but it was a little difficult to buy the transition to Derpy, Discord, and Twi playing cards. Maybe more foreshadowing would have helped make it seem less odd.
The "glass of lightning" and "three Wonderbolts" appearing together really confused me and I had to re-read it twice.
Who is Jumper? If you're going to use Derpy you should probably stick within at least fanon bounds.
Kitkats should be uppercased because they're a name brand. "Like a cookie" or "like a dried muffin" might be preferable.
The "glass of lightning" and "three Wonderbolts" appearing together really confused me and I had to re-read it twice.
Who is Jumper? If you're going to use Derpy you should probably stick within at least fanon bounds.
Kitkats should be uppercased because they're a name brand. "Like a cookie" or "like a dried muffin" might be preferable.
I concur pretty much with what everyone has said up to this point. Derpy as a card sharp is a nice touch, though the use of muffins is somewhat tired now. I mean, that's what other people picked up: you shamelessly mix fanon with canon with headcanon, stir that, and that mixture turns out to be, well, puzzling, to say the least. You give too much information, and I agree this is somewhat distracting. Also, I find Derpy acting slightly OOC. I’d expect her to let drop a card or something of the same ilk.
Of course you had to use “deadpan” instead of “poker faced”.
On a lighter note, I regret you had not them playing strip poker, which would've been funnier still.
'Beg pardon Rarity, but we don't usually wear clothes.
Of course you had to use “deadpan” instead of “poker faced”.
On a lighter note, I regret you had not them playing strip poker, which would've been funnier still.
'Beg pardon Rarity, but we don't usually wear clothes.
I suppose my biggest quibble with this story is that it does such a grand job of masking the big reveal with other conflicts and subplots, that the reveal ends up being fairly dull in comparison. It just doesn't command enough focus when it ultimately arrives. That's not to say that there isn't a lot to enjoy here, just that the climax carries no greater presence than anything that's gone on before it.
As an aside, I didn't have any issues with you breaking from fanon tradition with with regard to Derpy's daughter. You highlight the particulars (kindergarten) well enough in my opinion and, yeah, it was refreshing to see. In fact, to be honest, I think your little nods to the wider world beyond this scene are all well-balanced. Has Discord ever called Rarity 'Rares' though? It just sounds off to me.
Anyway, a few issues present, but I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.
As an aside, I didn't have any issues with you breaking from fanon tradition with with regard to Derpy's daughter. You highlight the particulars (kindergarten) well enough in my opinion and, yeah, it was refreshing to see. In fact, to be honest, I think your little nods to the wider world beyond this scene are all well-balanced. Has Discord ever called Rarity 'Rares' though? It just sounds off to me.
Anyway, a few issues present, but I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing.
I thought the stakes were much higher at first - like some giant tournament, nation-wide. Especially with 'gasps filled the room' - what, are D&D both gasping here?
It's a cute fluff piece, mind you - I had fun - but giving more info early on would be good, as well as better setting up Derpy's sudden demolishing of the game.
It's a cute fluff piece, mind you - I had fun - but giving more info early on would be good, as well as better setting up Derpy's sudden demolishing of the game.
