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Learning Harmony
Hot sweat soaked the unicorns’s coat as she trudged through the desert. Her vision faltered, black exhaustion threatening to whisk her away at any second, but she remained resolute. She had to stay strong, if not for herself, then for everypony else. If she let the darkness claim her now, they’d all die. Hopefully the rumors of the great power were true, and this wasn’t just a pointless sacrifice.
The sun hadn’t moved in five days. Harsh rays cracked the earth beneath her, leaving the once lush landscape of Equestria drab and barren. Every step scorched her hooves and left granules of sand uncomfortably stuck to her coat. Just one of many cruel “jokes” brought about by Discord.
She spat. Just the thought of that monster filled her with contempt. Ponies were not made to be his playthings. Her hatred gave her the power to move forward, increasing in a desperate intensity. At the edge of her vision, she spotted a cave. Shelter. Maybe water. For the first time in days, she broke into a full sprint.
So close.
Darkness stole the edges of her vision, slowly expanding. The unicorn used the last remnants of her remaining magic to speed her movement. She stumbled inches away from the cave’s entrance, face-planting into the burning hot sand. Her limbs, weak and useless, could carry her no more. Clawing at the sand, she dragged herself closer to the cave’s entrance.
The unicorn heard faint whispers off in the distance as the blissful darkness overtook her.
“Hello, child.”
The unicorn heard a faint voice in the back of her mind. Was she awake, or just dreaming?
“It is not your time, not yet.” The voice grew louder, and other, softer voices chimed in behind it creating reverberations and echoes throughout the cave. “Fate has brought you here so you may live.”
The unicorn opened her eyes, but there was no-one. “Who are you?” she croaked out.
“We are the earth you stand on, the air you breathe, the water you drink, and the fire in your heart, child. The more important question is: who are you?” thousands of voices seemed to chime at once.
Was this the power?
“My name, is…uh…” she stammered. “I don’t have one. Lord Discord gave me a name once, but I hated it.”
“Hate?” The voices seemed to recoil at that word. “My child, nothing good can come from hatred. Do you hate this ‘Discord’ you speak of?”
“Yes! He tortures everpony just because he just because he think it’s fun! Why shouldn’t I hate him? He is the chaos that destroys us!”
There was almost an audible tsk from the voice. “You must learn to give up your hatred if you wish to best him. Only inner-Harmony can calm the tides of chaos. Only peace will calm war. War cannot end war, child.”
The unicorn thought about this for a moment. “You asked me who I was. I am just a simple mare that cares for her fellow ponies. I am anypony with a good heart who wishes to protect the life around her. I am nobody important.”
“Everyone on this earth is important and worth protecting,” the voices stated sternly. “Even Discord is worth protecting.”
“Why?!” the unicorn yelled. “What is the point? He’s just going to hurt more ponies!”
“All life is sacred. If you fail to respect that, you will become as twisted as he.”
The unicorn slumped. “I can’t do that. I won’t.”
“You can. You will. Look inside yourself. We know you understand mercy.”
Visions entered the unicorn’s mind. She saw herself, an older mare, sitting in a lush green paradise with cheering ponies all around her.
“This can be you, if you learn to let go.”
Another vision was thrust upon her. She saw a vast desert with no inhabitants and clouds of dust kicked up by the wind.
“This is your future if you do not. The sun will never lower if you do not learn forgiveness.”
“Very well, I will do as you say,” the unicorn said.
“Then rise! We will allow you a taste of our power, princess of the stars.”
Immense magical energies surrounded the unicorn, overwhelming her with power. From her body sprung massive feathery wings and her hair became imbued with a shimmering aura. Power radiated off her coat in a thick mist.
“Save your kingdom, Celestia.”
For the first time in five days, the sun set.
The sun hadn’t moved in five days. Harsh rays cracked the earth beneath her, leaving the once lush landscape of Equestria drab and barren. Every step scorched her hooves and left granules of sand uncomfortably stuck to her coat. Just one of many cruel “jokes” brought about by Discord.
She spat. Just the thought of that monster filled her with contempt. Ponies were not made to be his playthings. Her hatred gave her the power to move forward, increasing in a desperate intensity. At the edge of her vision, she spotted a cave. Shelter. Maybe water. For the first time in days, she broke into a full sprint.
So close.
Darkness stole the edges of her vision, slowly expanding. The unicorn used the last remnants of her remaining magic to speed her movement. She stumbled inches away from the cave’s entrance, face-planting into the burning hot sand. Her limbs, weak and useless, could carry her no more. Clawing at the sand, she dragged herself closer to the cave’s entrance.
The unicorn heard faint whispers off in the distance as the blissful darkness overtook her.
“Hello, child.”
The unicorn heard a faint voice in the back of her mind. Was she awake, or just dreaming?
“It is not your time, not yet.” The voice grew louder, and other, softer voices chimed in behind it creating reverberations and echoes throughout the cave. “Fate has brought you here so you may live.”
The unicorn opened her eyes, but there was no-one. “Who are you?” she croaked out.
“We are the earth you stand on, the air you breathe, the water you drink, and the fire in your heart, child. The more important question is: who are you?” thousands of voices seemed to chime at once.
Was this the power?
“My name, is…uh…” she stammered. “I don’t have one. Lord Discord gave me a name once, but I hated it.”
“Hate?” The voices seemed to recoil at that word. “My child, nothing good can come from hatred. Do you hate this ‘Discord’ you speak of?”
“Yes! He tortures everpony just because he just because he think it’s fun! Why shouldn’t I hate him? He is the chaos that destroys us!”
There was almost an audible tsk from the voice. “You must learn to give up your hatred if you wish to best him. Only inner-Harmony can calm the tides of chaos. Only peace will calm war. War cannot end war, child.”
The unicorn thought about this for a moment. “You asked me who I was. I am just a simple mare that cares for her fellow ponies. I am anypony with a good heart who wishes to protect the life around her. I am nobody important.”
“Everyone on this earth is important and worth protecting,” the voices stated sternly. “Even Discord is worth protecting.”
“Why?!” the unicorn yelled. “What is the point? He’s just going to hurt more ponies!”
“All life is sacred. If you fail to respect that, you will become as twisted as he.”
The unicorn slumped. “I can’t do that. I won’t.”
“You can. You will. Look inside yourself. We know you understand mercy.”
Visions entered the unicorn’s mind. She saw herself, an older mare, sitting in a lush green paradise with cheering ponies all around her.
“This can be you, if you learn to let go.”
Another vision was thrust upon her. She saw a vast desert with no inhabitants and clouds of dust kicked up by the wind.
“This is your future if you do not. The sun will never lower if you do not learn forgiveness.”
“Very well, I will do as you say,” the unicorn said.
“Then rise! We will allow you a taste of our power, princess of the stars.”
Immense magical energies surrounded the unicorn, overwhelming her with power. From her body sprung massive feathery wings and her hair became imbued with a shimmering aura. Power radiated off her coat in a thick mist.
“Save your kingdom, Celestia.”
For the first time in five days, the sun set.
I think this leans too heavily on the reveal when you should instead be exploring more ramifications of the world you're describing. I want more insight into who Celestia is here. Why is Celestia doing all of this work on her own? Where did this power come from, what is it, and how does it tie into the show's existing mythos? Why does it want her to forgive someone who is killing ponies? If you want to introduce something mysterious, that's okay, but you still need to give the reader more information.
This seems an odd place to teach somepony a lesson about the importance of forgiveness. I'm not certain I buy the premise that Discord essentially murdering ponies should be forgivable. This also plays into the lack of knowledge we have about who and what the power is—it isn't clear to me what it wants from Celestia other than a lecture. I don't believe Celestia's response: she basically says "okay I'll be forgiving so that everypony won't die", which doesn't match what the power is trying to convey.
Why does Celestia given a vision of herself as an old mare when she isn't going to age? That makes it seem like the power is lying to her, but this isn't elaborated upon.
How does Celestia setting the Sun affect Discord's influence over reality or stop him from using ponies as playthings? In the show, Princess Celestia's ability to cast the Sun-moving spell isn't powerful enough to countermand Discord's control of the Sun. The powers she gains don't resolve the story's conflict.
This seems an odd place to teach somepony a lesson about the importance of forgiveness. I'm not certain I buy the premise that Discord essentially murdering ponies should be forgivable. This also plays into the lack of knowledge we have about who and what the power is—it isn't clear to me what it wants from Celestia other than a lecture. I don't believe Celestia's response: she basically says "okay I'll be forgiving so that everypony won't die", which doesn't match what the power is trying to convey.
Why does Celestia given a vision of herself as an old mare when she isn't going to age? That makes it seem like the power is lying to her, but this isn't elaborated upon.
How does Celestia setting the Sun affect Discord's influence over reality or stop him from using ponies as playthings? In the show, Princess Celestia's ability to cast the Sun-moving spell isn't powerful enough to countermand Discord's control of the Sun. The powers she gains don't resolve the story's conflict.
So the spirit of chaos is keeping the sun in a constant, static position. Okay then.
Beyond that, I’m going to echo Trick and add a question of my own: Just where is Luna in all of this? Especially when the mystery voice calls Celestia “princess of the stars.” Tia generally only gets one star; her sister handles the rest.
In all, while I like where you’re going with the mythic tone, you were a bit too grandiose for your own good. Sort out the mythology you’re trying to convey and this will go a lot better.
Beyond that, I’m going to echo Trick and add a question of my own: Just where is Luna in all of this? Especially when the mystery voice calls Celestia “princess of the stars.” Tia generally only gets one star; her sister handles the rest.
In all, while I like where you’re going with the mythic tone, you were a bit too grandiose for your own good. Sort out the mythology you’re trying to convey and this will go a lot better.
Genre: Historical drama
Thoughts: This needs some minor proofreading/cleanup, but nothing too serious. It has a strong setup for the central conversation, and I like the gist of that conversation, but our hero's capitulation and subsequent transformation come a bit too quickly to feel satisfying. I wish there was more of a payoff for the changes at the end, in part because I haven't seen this kind of a take on the period of history presented here, and I think the author could do it justice.
This has potential but it needs more words.
Tier: Needs work
Thoughts: This needs some minor proofreading/cleanup, but nothing too serious. It has a strong setup for the central conversation, and I like the gist of that conversation, but our hero's capitulation and subsequent transformation come a bit too quickly to feel satisfying. I wish there was more of a payoff for the changes at the end, in part because I haven't seen this kind of a take on the period of history presented here, and I think the author could do it justice.
This has potential but it needs more words.
Tier: Needs work
Nice:
But too abrupt. I like the idea of Proto-Celestia being too full of hatred to embrace Harmony, but even Starlight Glimmer took longer than this to change her mind after confronted with similar evidence that the world would end if she kept doing what she was doing.
I'd recommend when expanding this, author, that you give Celestia some specific pony she's remembering as she struggles to reach the cave, some specific pony she has to stay strong for rather than "everypony else." Luna, maybe? Who had to stay behind to distract Discord while Proto-Celestia sought out Harmony? Make Proto-Celestia turn away from Harmony's offer but then decide that she has no choice: she will give up everything--even her entirely righteous anger--to save her sister. Something like that.
Mike
But too abrupt. I like the idea of Proto-Celestia being too full of hatred to embrace Harmony, but even Starlight Glimmer took longer than this to change her mind after confronted with similar evidence that the world would end if she kept doing what she was doing.
I'd recommend when expanding this, author, that you give Celestia some specific pony she's remembering as she struggles to reach the cave, some specific pony she has to stay strong for rather than "everypony else." Luna, maybe? Who had to stay behind to distract Discord while Proto-Celestia sought out Harmony? Make Proto-Celestia turn away from Harmony's offer but then decide that she has no choice: she will give up everything--even her entirely righteous anger--to save her sister. Something like that.
Mike
I like this concept, but it feels like too much happened in this space for us to really enjoy it. I know there's a limit on words, but that felt like it would work much, much better if it even had twice as many words. Otherwise, it amounts to 'turn good.' 'okay.' There's very little substance for us to understand the struggle. I enjoyed the setup, but the resolution went back too fast for it to be impactful.
"I hate Discord."
"You need to give up your hate to beat him."
"Okay."
That's not a particularly interesting character arc, and unfortunately, there's not much else to the story. I actually think you did a pretty good job of building up the fact that Celestia hated Discord, and it does naturally follow that that hatred would stop her from using Harmony. But the resolution just comes way too quickly.
And I can only assume that the cave this takes place in is the one where the Tree of Harmony lives, and that this scene will soon lead to Celestia turning Discord to stone. But if that is the case, then where's Luna?
And finally, those voices kind of come across as jerks. "You can't let go of your hate? Okay, we'll just let the world die then."
The restrictions of the word count are quite noticeable, but I actually don't mind the impact on the second half of the story. It adopts a certain fairy tale style to the narrative and it works well, in my opinion. What makes it feel suddenly abrupt/fast is how that style clashes with the more descriptive one used in the first half.
Everyone else has made good points, too, and I would echo those. This was interesting, but needs some more development around the impact of its central concept.
Thanks for sharing your work!
Everyone else has made good points, too, and I would echo those. This was interesting, but needs some more development around the impact of its central concept.
Thanks for sharing your work!