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The Pony Lord
Dragon Lord Ember looked over her admittedly bleak holdings. The Dragon Lands were many things, but visually diverse was not one of them. That one brown guy had a point; the place could use some pillows. Ember supposed the dragons could, ugh, trade for them.
The very thought of giving things away seemed to sicken Ember worse and worse until the building pressure in her guts culminated in a fiery belch. The flame and smoke folded in on themselves, forming a scroll that fell into her claws.
“Huh.” Spike had warned Ember about letting his purple pony write her at any time, but she hadn’t expected the questions to start so soon. However, the scroll's seal wasn't marked with the purple one's rump glyph.
It bore a sun.
“Uh, Dad? I need some advice.”
Torch cracked open an eye. Dragon law might demand that he step down as lord, but it said nothing about him relinquishing his lair or the hoard that had made him enormous. He stretched from atop the wealth of a small nation, his wings brushing against the stadium-sized cavern’s ceiling. “Ember,” he said, “you are Dragon Lord now. All draconic authority begins and ends with you. You can’t come to me whenever there’s a hard decision.”
“I know. Normally, I wouldn’t. But, well…” She held up something.
Torch squinted, making out a piece of paper. He sighed and said "Give it here," holding out one claw as the other dug into his bedding, pulling out a tremendous pair of spectacles made from telescopes. He set them on his snout and adjusted the lenses until he could read the letter.
“Ah.” Torch took off his reading glasses. “You were wise to come to me, Ember.”
“I’ve heard things about Celestia, but I don’t know how much of it is true.” After a beat, Ember added, “Do you really owe her that diamond?”
“That and so much more. There’s a reason I never allowed dragons to burn and pillage Equestria as they saw fit. That reason is the Pony Lord.”
“Lord?” Ember grabbed the letter to look at it again. “She calls herself a princess.”
“Indeed. It is an example of a strange pony concept they call ‘humility.’ It means intentionally appearing weaker than you are.”
Ember took a moment to consider this. “Huh?”
Torch nodded. “I know; I’ve never been able to wrap my head around it either. But for all her humility, Celestia is a dangerous creature, and not just because she can conjure fire that burns even dragons.”
“She can what?”
“That is merely her most obvious danger. Celestia embodies all of the strange strengths of the ponies: hard softness, possessive selflessness, deceptive honesty, all manner of things the minds of dragons cannot comprehend. She could wipe us out if she had a mind to, but she does something far more terrible; she lets us live with that knowledge. She’ll tolerate the odd raid now and again, but if we overstep our bounds…” Torch shuddered.
“Our bounds?" Ember gawked at him. "They’re just ponies, and there’s only one Celestia.”
Torch shook his head. “For one, that’s no longer true. Her sister has returned, and from what Dragon Lord Bulwark told me when I took up the Scepter, she is even worse. And then there are the mortal ponies. On their own, they’re ideal prey; easily frightened meat that makes treasure. But together in enough numbers, they are dragonslayers, especially with Celestia or Luna leading them.”
Ember gulped. “And she wants to meet me face to face.”
“Yes. She prefers her introductions out of combat. I suppose it’s so she can go for your weak points immediately." Torch settled himself back on the treasure. "Step carefully around her, Ember. I have known Celestia for five hundred years, and I don’t understand her any better today than I did when I first met her.”
The very thought of giving things away seemed to sicken Ember worse and worse until the building pressure in her guts culminated in a fiery belch. The flame and smoke folded in on themselves, forming a scroll that fell into her claws.
“Huh.” Spike had warned Ember about letting his purple pony write her at any time, but she hadn’t expected the questions to start so soon. However, the scroll's seal wasn't marked with the purple one's rump glyph.
It bore a sun.
“Uh, Dad? I need some advice.”
Torch cracked open an eye. Dragon law might demand that he step down as lord, but it said nothing about him relinquishing his lair or the hoard that had made him enormous. He stretched from atop the wealth of a small nation, his wings brushing against the stadium-sized cavern’s ceiling. “Ember,” he said, “you are Dragon Lord now. All draconic authority begins and ends with you. You can’t come to me whenever there’s a hard decision.”
“I know. Normally, I wouldn’t. But, well…” She held up something.
Torch squinted, making out a piece of paper. He sighed and said "Give it here," holding out one claw as the other dug into his bedding, pulling out a tremendous pair of spectacles made from telescopes. He set them on his snout and adjusted the lenses until he could read the letter.
To Dragon Lord Ember,
Firstly, congratulations on your victory in the Gauntlet of Fire. It is wonderful to see grace and guile trump brute strength, not least because your father now owes me a ten-carat diamond as per a bet we made last century.
However, it is not the past that concerns me, but the future. I would like to speak with you in person at your earliest convenience in either your realm or mine, whichever is easier for you. I eagerly await your response. I am sure we will have much to discuss.
Your fellow ruler,
Princess Celestia
“Ah.” Torch took off his reading glasses. “You were wise to come to me, Ember.”
“I’ve heard things about Celestia, but I don’t know how much of it is true.” After a beat, Ember added, “Do you really owe her that diamond?”
“That and so much more. There’s a reason I never allowed dragons to burn and pillage Equestria as they saw fit. That reason is the Pony Lord.”
“Lord?” Ember grabbed the letter to look at it again. “She calls herself a princess.”
“Indeed. It is an example of a strange pony concept they call ‘humility.’ It means intentionally appearing weaker than you are.”
Ember took a moment to consider this. “Huh?”
Torch nodded. “I know; I’ve never been able to wrap my head around it either. But for all her humility, Celestia is a dangerous creature, and not just because she can conjure fire that burns even dragons.”
“She can what?”
“That is merely her most obvious danger. Celestia embodies all of the strange strengths of the ponies: hard softness, possessive selflessness, deceptive honesty, all manner of things the minds of dragons cannot comprehend. She could wipe us out if she had a mind to, but she does something far more terrible; she lets us live with that knowledge. She’ll tolerate the odd raid now and again, but if we overstep our bounds…” Torch shuddered.
“Our bounds?" Ember gawked at him. "They’re just ponies, and there’s only one Celestia.”
Torch shook his head. “For one, that’s no longer true. Her sister has returned, and from what Dragon Lord Bulwark told me when I took up the Scepter, she is even worse. And then there are the mortal ponies. On their own, they’re ideal prey; easily frightened meat that makes treasure. But together in enough numbers, they are dragonslayers, especially with Celestia or Luna leading them.”
Ember gulped. “And she wants to meet me face to face.”
“Yes. She prefers her introductions out of combat. I suppose it’s so she can go for your weak points immediately." Torch settled himself back on the treasure. "Step carefully around her, Ember. I have known Celestia for five hundred years, and I don’t understand her any better today than I did when I first met her.”
The story is good but it ends a bit flat. I think since we start with Ember's perspective, we should round up with it at the end rather than a quote from her father. A sentence about her steeling her resolve that gives us more insight into her character and the unique way she views ponies would work wonders.
This is nice:
As far as it goes, but it doesn't go anywhere near a resolution. If it was a first chapter, I'd be happy to continue reading, but, well, this isn't a first chapter contest...
Mike
As far as it goes, but it doesn't go anywhere near a resolution. If it was a first chapter, I'd be happy to continue reading, but, well, this isn't a first chapter contest...
Mike
This story is written well, and there are some aspects I really enjoyed. I thought Ember's portrayal felt real, and little bits like the pillow and trading comments, and Torch's glasses, brought a smile to my face.
The story suddenly stops, rather reaches a natural conclusion, however. It also felt to me as though Ember lacked the agency within the narrative for the prompt to feel addressed. Perhaps Torch needed to have a more specifically relevant tale to address this, or maybe Ember needed to have done something first hand.
I would definitely return to this in the future, however, if it was given more development and expanded on. Thanks for sharing your work.
The story suddenly stops, rather reaches a natural conclusion, however. It also felt to me as though Ember lacked the agency within the narrative for the prompt to feel addressed. Perhaps Torch needed to have a more specifically relevant tale to address this, or maybe Ember needed to have done something first hand.
I would definitely return to this in the future, however, if it was given more development and expanded on. Thanks for sharing your work.
As others have noted, this is good, but it isn’t a complete story. Cutting the introduction would’ve helped free up some verbiage, but the concept may be too big for the format. It’s a shame; I really like how alien ponies seem from the draconic perspective. Maybe if you set up something in an expansion so it's Ember asking Twilight questions...
Seconding what everyone else has said. I adore your portrayal of the dragons, really, really well done, but it ends up going nowhere in particular. The character part of it- excellent. The story part feels like it was a setup, as opposed to an actual conflict. If this ever goes up on Fimfic and expanded, I'll certainly give it a read, but the fact that it doesn't go too far forward holds it back.
Hmmmm.. Interesting. I like the cultural disconnect between Dragons and Ponies. For all his age and wisdom, Torch has never been able to bridge that gap. Perhaps Ember will have better luck?
My one quibble would be that you'd think Torch would have clued Ember into some of those facts earlier... But it's a minor issue. I rather like this story. It's simple but thoughtful, and shows some interesting world building behind the scenes.
My one quibble would be that you'd think Torch would have clued Ember into some of those facts earlier... But it's a minor issue. I rather like this story. It's simple but thoughtful, and shows some interesting world building behind the scenes.
This is the prologue to a larger story, definitely - act 1. Act 2 is the actual journey to the meeting and all the budding dread, Act 3 is the meeting and resolution. Fold this into that larger story and you have a winner. This one ends too soon.
There are some gems here :P especially the telescope thing. The fic is nicely written despite some typos here and there.
On the other hand, I don’t really agree with your portrayal of Torch. He seems to me much too clever w/r to the way he’s depicted in the show. I wouldn't expect him to be so perceptive.
But overall, that’s a nice piece, even though it came across to me as an indirect way to mention Celestia’s legendary wit and political skill.
And I agree with the other reviewers: you must write a follow-up.
On the other hand, I don’t really agree with your portrayal of Torch. He seems to me much too clever w/r to the way he’s depicted in the show. I wouldn't expect him to be so perceptive.
But overall, that’s a nice piece, even though it came across to me as an indirect way to mention Celestia’s legendary wit and political skill.
And I agree with the other reviewers: you must write a follow-up.
What previous commenters said. Please write more of this incomplete story. You'll definitely have me as a reader.
To expand a bit on the "incomplete" thing — and >>Morning Sun's "Act 1" assessment — this is pretty much textbook Act 1 of the three-act story structure. There are other ways to write stories, of course, and it's definitely possible to write scenes that stand alone in a Writeoff context, but what's happening here is that this sets up a really juicy conflict, and ends right as it's starting to address it. Its strength as a character piece is overshadowed by the fact that it's making all these promises about seeing Celestia and Ember head to head (which is a pretty juicy hook, let's not mince words), and the core arc is so strongly bound to that future conflict.
I also feel like I ought to draw the distinction between what I think of this as a story and what I think of this as a contest entry. As I said, you've got an instant reader if this gets expanded and published; your character work is great, and I think you're setting up something great here (and it's also about characters I like. NOT BIASED AT ALL). But this is getting dragged down to the middle of my slate by the context of the contest: this Writeoff is about taking 400-750 words and producing a complete story in that space, and then judging which stories did the best given those limitations. This is easily Top Contender-level output in terms of my engagement and enjoyment and its construction, but I've gotta dock it for that incompleteness, just like I would have to dock a story which had consistently poor grammar or flagrantly ignored the prompt/genre.
Tier: Almost There
To expand a bit on the "incomplete" thing — and >>Morning Sun's "Act 1" assessment — this is pretty much textbook Act 1 of the three-act story structure. There are other ways to write stories, of course, and it's definitely possible to write scenes that stand alone in a Writeoff context, but what's happening here is that this sets up a really juicy conflict, and ends right as it's starting to address it. Its strength as a character piece is overshadowed by the fact that it's making all these promises about seeing Celestia and Ember head to head (which is a pretty juicy hook, let's not mince words), and the core arc is so strongly bound to that future conflict.
I also feel like I ought to draw the distinction between what I think of this as a story and what I think of this as a contest entry. As I said, you've got an instant reader if this gets expanded and published; your character work is great, and I think you're setting up something great here (and it's also about characters I like. NOT BIASED AT ALL). But this is getting dragged down to the middle of my slate by the context of the contest: this Writeoff is about taking 400-750 words and producing a complete story in that space, and then judging which stories did the best given those limitations. This is easily Top Contender-level output in terms of my engagement and enjoyment and its construction, but I've gotta dock it for that incompleteness, just like I would have to dock a story which had consistently poor grammar or flagrantly ignored the prompt/genre.
Tier: Almost There
I really enjoyed the first half of this! You've got strong prose, and the tempo and feeling of sentences was well conveyed. Ember quickly becomes a relatable point of view character, and I'm interested in what she starts feeling abouy an invitation from Celestia.
...the latter part was more problematic. I don't think your technical writing falls apart, but the content suddenly becomes another one of those soapboxes talking up Celestia and making her seem awesome (becuase the show kind of refuses to). If you want to do that, I can't fault you, but you're doing it in a way that... doesn't particularly reflect either of the characters having the conversation, and their feelings. It also plays up her character in a strange way, emphasizing her pure strength and ability to lead ponies, rather then her wisdom and virtue.
...I suppose you could argue that's all Torch's perspective as a cynical dragon, but there still problems with that, in that the text doesn't actually cast any doubt on his reliability (as noted, finish this off with Ember meeting Celestia and getting a totally different impression and you're golden), and that I can't really see Celestia maintaining a status quo where a nation is quietly living in fear of her (though I admit this is kind of subjective biases.)
...the latter part was more problematic. I don't think your technical writing falls apart, but the content suddenly becomes another one of those soapboxes talking up Celestia and making her seem awesome (becuase the show kind of refuses to). If you want to do that, I can't fault you, but you're doing it in a way that... doesn't particularly reflect either of the characters having the conversation, and their feelings. It also plays up her character in a strange way, emphasizing her pure strength and ability to lead ponies, rather then her wisdom and virtue.
...I suppose you could argue that's all Torch's perspective as a cynical dragon, but there still problems with that, in that the text doesn't actually cast any doubt on his reliability (as noted, finish this off with Ember meeting Celestia and getting a totally different impression and you're golden), and that I can't really see Celestia maintaining a status quo where a nation is quietly living in fear of her (though I admit this is kind of subjective biases.)
The Pony Lord
Firstly, thanks to all of my reviewers: >>Trick_Question >>Baal Bunny >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Mordred >>TheCyanRecluse >>Morning Sun >>Monokeras >>horizon >>Exuno
Now, as for the story itself, the problem has been quite definitively established: I didn't finish the story. Unfortunately, I'd convinced myself I had when submitting it. Scene, maybe. Story, not so much. :/
Still, good to know I have a firm base for expansion. Playing up the species barrier was a lot of fun. Given what we've seen in "Dragon Quest" and "Gauntlet of Fire," a lot of the concepts ponies and humans both take for granted seem bizarre if not outright incomprehensible to dragons. Celestia would seem especially strange to a species accustomed to rulers who command through shouting and geases.
I'll definitely give this one the room it needs. Thanks for the feedback, everyone. See you next month!
Firstly, thanks to all of my reviewers: >>Trick_Question >>Baal Bunny >>Ceffyl_Dwr >>Mordred >>TheCyanRecluse >>Morning Sun >>Monokeras >>horizon >>Exuno
Now, as for the story itself, the problem has been quite definitively established: I didn't finish the story. Unfortunately, I'd convinced myself I had when submitting it. Scene, maybe. Story, not so much. :/
Still, good to know I have a firm base for expansion. Playing up the species barrier was a lot of fun. Given what we've seen in "Dragon Quest" and "Gauntlet of Fire," a lot of the concepts ponies and humans both take for granted seem bizarre if not outright incomprehensible to dragons. Celestia would seem especially strange to a species accustomed to rulers who command through shouting and geases.
I'll definitely give this one the room it needs. Thanks for the feedback, everyone. See you next month!