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Had a lovely full moon last night, shining down through a cloudless sky over a blue-cast landscape. Great inspiration for this one.
I'm familiar with the Shakespearean sonnet, and while this matches the meter and rhyme scheme of one, the way it's divided into stanzas is a little different. Maybe a Petrarchan sonnet? Either way, the rhymes are all clean, and the rhythm is only a little forced here and there. Straightforward subject matter of life waiting beneath the snow to emerge again in the spring.
Well, this is kind of depressing...
At times it feels like a complaint by someone trapped indoors during the cold weather, and sometimes it sounds like the lament of a tree during the winter. Maybe both? It starts out metered, but a couple lines of the first stanza are short a syllable, and what/forgot is a stretch as a rhyme.
Later, with the irregular line lengths and rapid-fire rhymes, it starts to sound like one of those rap-like freestyle spoken-word riffs, and I feel like this is more appropriately read aloud.
At times it feels like a complaint by someone trapped indoors during the cold weather, and sometimes it sounds like the lament of a tree during the winter. Maybe both? It starts out metered, but a couple lines of the first stanza are short a syllable, and what/forgot is a stretch as a rhyme.
Later, with the irregular line lengths and rapid-fire rhymes, it starts to sound like one of those rap-like freestyle spoken-word riffs, and I feel like this is more appropriately read aloud.
Ah, a rondeau redouble! These are tough to write in English, since you only get two rhymes. I did one for the county fair back in the fall. I even bothered to have the middle of the first line rhyme with the end of it so that last partial line also rhymed with the line before it. I went with tetrameter, whereas you have pentameter, and I don't recall if one's "official."
Very clean on rhyme and rhythm, and I like this picture of the person bundled up inside while watching a bird outside (which would have been harder to understand absent the title, but that's not unusual for poetry) somehow endure the cold. The poet has a knack for creating a charming atmosphere.
Incidentally, there are lots of tells as to who wrote what this time. One referring to southeastern flora, one referencing a "California boy," one using a British rhyme.
Very clean on rhyme and rhythm, and I like this picture of the person bundled up inside while watching a bird outside (which would have been harder to understand absent the title, but that's not unusual for poetry) somehow endure the cold. The poet has a knack for creating a charming atmosphere.
Incidentally, there are lots of tells as to who wrote what this time. One referring to southeastern flora, one referencing a "California boy," one using a British rhyme.
The internet black hole ate my comment on this, and I don't remember all of what I said, so I'll try again.
The rhyme of "been" identifies the writer as likely British... and the "s" on the end of gleans kinda breaks that rhyme. The rhythm mostly works, but if possible it's good to avoid words like "orange" and "tertiary" that can be pronounced different ways with different syllable counts. I had to read back over that a couple times to make it fit.
The start seems to be a similar theme to two of the others, where there's still life under the snow that will emerge again in spring, but then it sounds kind of bleak at the end. Yet I can't put my finger on exactly why, since I didn't understand it once the stanza structure started to change. The way you describe the "arrayed" house fronts on a hill (just the fronts, not the whole building, leaving a flat image in my mind) and liken them to something much smaller, celery, puts me in a mind of gravestones, particularly with the mention of death there. If that was intentional, it's subtle, but it worked well.
I wish I got the ending better, but it has a nice atmosphere.
The rhyme of "been" identifies the writer as likely British... and the "s" on the end of gleans kinda breaks that rhyme. The rhythm mostly works, but if possible it's good to avoid words like "orange" and "tertiary" that can be pronounced different ways with different syllable counts. I had to read back over that a couple times to make it fit.
The start seems to be a similar theme to two of the others, where there's still life under the snow that will emerge again in spring, but then it sounds kind of bleak at the end. Yet I can't put my finger on exactly why, since I didn't understand it once the stanza structure started to change. The way you describe the "arrayed" house fronts on a hill (just the fronts, not the whole building, leaving a flat image in my mind) and liken them to something much smaller, celery, puts me in a mind of gravestones, particularly with the mention of death there. If that was intentional, it's subtle, but it worked well.
I wish I got the ending better, but it has a nice atmosphere.
I like the structure of this poem and the contrast between its imagery (emblazoning flames, wings heralding destruction, frozen blood) and its ultimately humorous tone. Maybe the boy is now rueing his purchase as he awaits the Four Horseman...
Although there are rhyming stanzas, this strikes me as a free verse poem in spirit. Often, these emphasize the visual aspect of language. Here I get something like quicksand, or maybe "quicksnow". The rhymed/metered intro makes it almost like a fantasy--"quasi una fantasia".
Well goddamn, someone had something almost nice to say about the snow, which at least has nothing to do with misery, hopelessness, privation, and all of that. I'm no expert on sonnets, but I tend to associate the form with a portrait in words, and its use here seems to convery a sense of stillness.
>>Pascoite
Hmm, I'm New English, but I thought the rhyme was OK.
I suppose, rather than looking forward to the spring, I was thinking more about how the thought of winter colors the other seasons of the year, or puts a limit on them. Winter, then, represents a special kind of encounter. I wanted to have the last stanza (it was one stanza, once) be written in a trochaic rhythm, to convey a difference of feeling; but the cheapness of it was apparent, and the bread crumbled as it came out of the oven.
Hmm, I'm New English, but I thought the rhyme was OK.
I suppose, rather than looking forward to the spring, I was thinking more about how the thought of winter colors the other seasons of the year, or puts a limit on them. Winter, then, represents a special kind of encounter. I wanted to have the last stanza (it was one stanza, once) be written in a trochaic rhythm, to convey a difference of feeling; but the cheapness of it was apparent, and the bread crumbled as it came out of the oven.
>>Pascoite
>>Heavy_Mole
Thanks, folks!
I've only been in places where there's snow, I think, three times in my life, and the three adjectives that've stuck with me from those experiences are "cold" and "wet" and "yucky." But yeah, I can't help getting humorous about stuff... :)
Mike
>>Heavy_Mole
Thanks, folks!
I've only been in places where there's snow, I think, three times in my life, and the three adjectives that've stuck with me from those experiences are "cold" and "wet" and "yucky." But yeah, I can't help getting humorous about stuff... :)
Mike