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The Smallest Slice of Life
There never was a single step I took
That gave me pause enough to call a halt,
And take a magic moment just to look.
With all unshackled now from time's assault
And catch the sparrow dashing from its nook,
Suspended by a second's bright default,
Or seize a slice of brown and flowing brook,
The water swelling sweet as Heaven's vault.
I long to lift one page within this book,
And place a mark, or pierce it with a hook
That tracks the time so well as to exalt
The moment, but the whole gestalt
Is bound to be unwound, and all is shook
As cosmic wheels lurch on and somersault.
That gave me pause enough to call a halt,
And take a magic moment just to look.
With all unshackled now from time's assault
And catch the sparrow dashing from its nook,
Suspended by a second's bright default,
Or seize a slice of brown and flowing brook,
The water swelling sweet as Heaven's vault.
I long to lift one page within this book,
And place a mark, or pierce it with a hook
That tracks the time so well as to exalt
The moment, but the whole gestalt
Is bound to be unwound, and all is shook
As cosmic wheels lurch on and somersault.
The sentiment is nice, that the speaker wishes he could enjoy the small moments around him rather than get caught up in more mundane demands on his time. Not familiar with the form, but it's somewhat similar to a sonnet. Your 12th line is 2 syllables short. While the overall meaning comes through well enough, some of the individual lines don't. Like I'm not sure what "Heaven's vault" is supposed to be, or why a brown brook would connote a sweet smell. Like if you used "clear" instead of "brown," the image comes across better, so I wonder why you chose brown and I'm missing something by not realizing why. Piercing a page with a hook to mark it is another odd image, but one I can at least understand.
Mostly well-written, but a few of the details went over my head.
Mostly well-written, but a few of the details went over my head.
>>Pascoite
The Smallest Slice of Life
My largest regret with this one was the initial words I chose, 'took' and 'halt' have a limited number of rhymes and it sharply cramped what I was trying to achieve. I am not saying it would have been much better, but the whole might have been less strained or obscure.
My mental image was of time coming to a pause where one could really look at things and appreciate the detail of being. If only you could just, say, stop the brook from flowing and study a slice of the water as it flows and burbles or stop a bird in flight and appreciate its spreading feathers... But Time Grinds On. This is what happens when you forget about a contest for most of the day and try to squeeze in three entries around 3 AM. Sorry to have inflicted this first draft upon you.
The Smallest Slice of Life
My largest regret with this one was the initial words I chose, 'took' and 'halt' have a limited number of rhymes and it sharply cramped what I was trying to achieve. I am not saying it would have been much better, but the whole might have been less strained or obscure.
My mental image was of time coming to a pause where one could really look at things and appreciate the detail of being. If only you could just, say, stop the brook from flowing and study a slice of the water as it flows and burbles or stop a bird in flight and appreciate its spreading feathers... But Time Grinds On. This is what happens when you forget about a contest for most of the day and try to squeeze in three entries around 3 AM. Sorry to have inflicted this first draft upon you.