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Unmatched Cruelty
Deliberate, deadly, silent and deep,
My blade finds her heart. My hand works to keep
Her from screaming. I - BEEP
I'm dreaming. I was. Who dares interrupt?
I punch to the side -it's always abrupt
When it rips me from sleep-
Which flips the alarm clock off of its shelf.
It calls me to school, and back to myself.
And before her. The sheep
Adore her. And I - alone I endure
Their insults and jeers. I'm tough and mature!
Once they leave me, I weep.
Believe me I'm not as meek as I seem!
Just wait for tonight! You'll pay in my dream!
But my vengeance is cheap.
My blade finds her heart. My hand works to keep
Her from screaming. I - BEEP
I'm dreaming. I was. Who dares interrupt?
I punch to the side -it's always abrupt
When it rips me from sleep-
Which flips the alarm clock off of its shelf.
It calls me to school, and back to myself.
And before her. The sheep
Adore her. And I - alone I endure
Their insults and jeers. I'm tough and mature!
Once they leave me, I weep.
Believe me I'm not as meek as I seem!
Just wait for tonight! You'll pay in my dream!
But my vengeance is cheap.
So the narrator dreams about killing a girl who laughs at him (or her friends do)? I have no context as to why he'd secretly fantasize about killing her, though, so unless I just like a dark tone, the default will be to assume he's in the wrong. or, more likely, that they both are, but him about a more consequential thing.
The rhymes are good, but the rhythm is a little off. It's not steady, but it's also not the kind that you have to force into unnatural stress patterns to fit, so it's not egregious. On the one hand, I appreciate when poetry doesn't feel it necessary to put the rhymes at natural pausing places, but on the other, that exacerbates the feeling that the rhythm is irregular and more often made me reread lines to figure out what their rhythm was supposed to be.
The rhymes are good, but the rhythm is a little off. It's not steady, but it's also not the kind that you have to force into unnatural stress patterns to fit, so it's not egregious. On the one hand, I appreciate when poetry doesn't feel it necessary to put the rhymes at natural pausing places, but on the other, that exacerbates the feeling that the rhythm is irregular and more often made me reread lines to figure out what their rhythm was supposed to be.