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In darkness is done the business of life
The machinations of long strides and throwing stones,
Smiling to friends, howling in anger,
The rites of digestion, the mantra of the heartbeat,
And the endless circling of red lifewater
All that happens so that you can watch a sunset
Or walk in the woods.
These things, unseen, unseeing
Make all transactions in peace,
Yet the day comes that the Day will come,
An accidental swipe, a bitter intrusion,
A surgeon keen to reach through your skin.
Your secret fiefdom open and laid bare,
Hematocytes spreading in diffuse confusion,
Your verse read by all in light and open air.
The machinations of long strides and throwing stones,
Smiling to friends, howling in anger,
The rites of digestion, the mantra of the heartbeat,
And the endless circling of red lifewater
All that happens so that you can watch a sunset
Or walk in the woods.
These things, unseen, unseeing
Make all transactions in peace,
Yet the day comes that the Day will come,
An accidental swipe, a bitter intrusion,
A surgeon keen to reach through your skin.
Your secret fiefdom open and laid bare,
Hematocytes spreading in diffuse confusion,
Your verse read by all in light and open air.
Free verse right? Except you have a couple rhymes near the end in irregular positions, so I'm not sure if that was deliberate.
I also can't tell what tone this is striking. That all the life functions occur internally and out of view but could cease at any time, yeah, but then lists several methods how. It struck me as odd that the surgery one got special emphasis, and the use of "keen" makes it sound more involuntary on the narrator's part, and I couldn't tell if there was some meaning behind that. Then the use of "verse" confused me, too, since it hints at metafiction, and there hadn't been a theme of poetry up to that point. This isn't something you can really help, but just visually, the similar line lengths made me expect at first glance this would be a metered poem. Plus it's kind of shaped like Minnesota...
Mostly nice word choice, and it keeps up a good atmonsphere.
I also can't tell what tone this is striking. That all the life functions occur internally and out of view but could cease at any time, yeah, but then lists several methods how. It struck me as odd that the surgery one got special emphasis, and the use of "keen" makes it sound more involuntary on the narrator's part, and I couldn't tell if there was some meaning behind that. Then the use of "verse" confused me, too, since it hints at metafiction, and there hadn't been a theme of poetry up to that point. This isn't something you can really help, but just visually, the similar line lengths made me expect at first glance this would be a metered poem. Plus it's kind of shaped like Minnesota...
Mostly nice word choice, and it keeps up a good atmonsphere.
I read this as an ode to our bodies' inner workings - not to its awe-inspiring magnificence, but to it just being pretty neat.
There's no rhythm or rhyme (except at the end) that I noticed, but it still feels reverent to me. And I'd be shocked if that really came "just" from your somewhat flowery wording.
I like it.
There's no rhythm or rhyme (except at the end) that I noticed, but it still feels reverent to me. And I'd be shocked if that really came "just" from your somewhat flowery wording.
I like it.