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>>Bad Horse
Hey Bad Horse! Nice to see you around.
They are longer now. Only for minifics do we have kept the original schedule, I think
Hey Bad Horse! Nice to see you around.
They are longer now. Only for minifics do we have kept the original schedule, I think
Hm, this really feels like a feghoot, but if the ending line is a punchline for one, I'm not getting it. It has me in mind of a story I read years ago (maybe in a writeoff?) about Spike on a rocket-powered sled.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to make of this. It's mildly amusing, but doesn't ever have any strong jokes in it, it doesn't grow the characters in any way. I guess it's just for the schadenfreude of watching everything go wrong that can? It doesn't make a point, but there is a certain pleasure in seeing the two repeatedly make bad decisions.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to make of this. It's mildly amusing, but doesn't ever have any strong jokes in it, it doesn't grow the characters in any way. I guess it's just for the schadenfreude of watching everything go wrong that can? It doesn't make a point, but there is a certain pleasure in seeing the two repeatedly make bad decisions.
Ah, historical fiction. Some editing issues, but nothing that hampers readability. For me, it was a little hard at the beginning to understand which character was which, in terms of who's in the office and who's paying a visit. Mostly because of the door being locked, it had me in mind of a patient who's already in an examination room and waiting for the doctor.
It's also one of those stories that exists on the twist alone, as it's not making any other point. Were this a longer story, that could be problematic, but for something this short, nobody can really say they're wasting their time reading, and it was a pretty stark twist.
It's also one of those stories that exists on the twist alone, as it's not making any other point. Were this a longer story, that could be problematic, but for something this short, nobody can really say they're wasting their time reading, and it was a pretty stark twist.
This reminds me of one from an earlier round where someone is attacked in an alley and can see the immediate future of whatever choice he makes.
A couple of minor editing things: a fair number of comma splices, and see how many times you use "look," particularly in the 3rd scene.
I'm not quite sure what to make of it either. It seems like a backward story, where we're stepping back through time to see each thing he tried to save his life. But all of them failed, leading to the previous scene occurring, and that makes me think the intent was to say the final scene also failed, yet I don't get that sense from it. I don't even really see the connection, since he didn't get shot, though maybe his plan to run behind the shed is what led to him falling? It still seems to set up the scenario that his apology led to his death, as the implication all along had been that each choice failed. I'd even wondered if he was going through a time loop somehow and knowing what didn't work the previous iteration. In that case, I could see him seeing the apology as another correction to his strategy. Maybe it works that way? I think it's just not clear enough what the rules are and if the final scene is supposed to be a happy ending that heads off the previous scenes.
A couple of minor editing things: a fair number of comma splices, and see how many times you use "look," particularly in the 3rd scene.
I'm not quite sure what to make of it either. It seems like a backward story, where we're stepping back through time to see each thing he tried to save his life. But all of them failed, leading to the previous scene occurring, and that makes me think the intent was to say the final scene also failed, yet I don't get that sense from it. I don't even really see the connection, since he didn't get shot, though maybe his plan to run behind the shed is what led to him falling? It still seems to set up the scenario that his apology led to his death, as the implication all along had been that each choice failed. I'd even wondered if he was going through a time loop somehow and knowing what didn't work the previous iteration. In that case, I could see him seeing the apology as another correction to his strategy. Maybe it works that way? I think it's just not clear enough what the rules are and if the final scene is supposed to be a happy ending that heads off the previous scenes.
Uh, a feghoot.
I agree with >>Pascoite that, like all feghoots, it exists only for the purpose of the twist. I do command the idea that Sigmund Freud and the young Hitler could have met. When the latter was 20, the former was about 55, so it is plausible, given that both were in the same town at the same moment.
I wish such an interview had really come to pass. Maybe the twentieth century would've been spared much of its atrocities…
Anyway, everything being well considered, there is little leeway to expand the story further. It’s not too short nor too long.
Fair entry.
P.S: Also, even if Pascoite apparently missed it, the irony of having Adolph Hitler cured by a Jewish practitioner is not lost on me.
I agree with >>Pascoite that, like all feghoots, it exists only for the purpose of the twist. I do command the idea that Sigmund Freud and the young Hitler could have met. When the latter was 20, the former was about 55, so it is plausible, given that both were in the same town at the same moment.
I wish such an interview had really come to pass. Maybe the twentieth century would've been spared much of its atrocities…
Anyway, everything being well considered, there is little leeway to expand the story further. It’s not too short nor too long.
Fair entry.
P.S: Also, even if Pascoite apparently missed it, the irony of having Adolph Hitler cured by a Jewish practitioner is not lost on me.
The problem of writing a comment after >>Pascoite did is that he often has already spelt out all that was meaningful. :/
I agree you should vary your sentences. I’m not sure if it is a flaw or if it is done purposefully to emphasise the repetitiveness of each scene. If this is the case, then it misses the point.
So, err… I’m a bit lost too. I agree this seems to go backward in time, but I’m not sure how the successive falls are connected to the final scene, nor what the guy has done to warrant being held at gunpoint. It vaguely reminds me of a short story written by one of my favourites authors, Dino Buzzati, who, unfortunately, is almost unknown in the English-speaking world, short story in which a young girl jumps from the top of a high-rise building. Her fall is a metaphor for her life, and while she’s young and pretty at first, she grows older and uglier which each passing second that she falls. She also suddenly realises that she’s not alone to fall, but the space around the skyscraper is full of people diving down to their doom. The short story is called ‘La ragazza che precipita’ in Italian (i.e. ‘The girl who falls').
Nothing such here. So I’m left quite unsatisfied.
I agree you should vary your sentences. I’m not sure if it is a flaw or if it is done purposefully to emphasise the repetitiveness of each scene. If this is the case, then it misses the point.
So, err… I’m a bit lost too. I agree this seems to go backward in time, but I’m not sure how the successive falls are connected to the final scene, nor what the guy has done to warrant being held at gunpoint. It vaguely reminds me of a short story written by one of my favourites authors, Dino Buzzati, who, unfortunately, is almost unknown in the English-speaking world, short story in which a young girl jumps from the top of a high-rise building. Her fall is a metaphor for her life, and while she’s young and pretty at first, she grows older and uglier which each passing second that she falls. She also suddenly realises that she’s not alone to fall, but the space around the skyscraper is full of people diving down to their doom. The short story is called ‘La ragazza che precipita’ in Italian (i.e. ‘The girl who falls').
Nothing such here. So I’m left quite unsatisfied.
Sounds more slapstick to me than anything else. There are numerous problems with the style. It’s not like the previous entry with its somewhat cookie-cutter sentences. It’s a general feeling of clunkiness. Let me give some examples: in the first paragraph, the last two lines are literally riddled with 'was'.
Next (and last) example:
I would've written like this: ‘He crawled on the white, solid crust, until he finally reached the tyre, which he used to prop himself up. ‘Phew’, he said, brushing himself off. ‘What an expedition!’’
Try to be more thrifty. You unnecessarily repeat a lot of words, either explicitly or using verbose turns of phrases. Be more pithy and terse, especially with this format. Brevity, it is said, is the soul of wit. And avoid relying on 'to be' too much, there are many ways you can put it aside and use stronger verbs instead.
(To be continued tomorrow)
His first inkling that he was in trouble was when he slipped down the apartment steps outside. Fortunately it was only a couple of them and he wasn't hurt. Unfortunately it was so icy he couldn't stand up.Count them.
Next (and last) example:
The man decided to slowly crawl to his car though the white, solid pack crust. Inch by inch he got closer until he reached the tire of his car. Using that he pulled himself upright and brushed himself off.
I would've written like this: ‘He crawled on the white, solid crust, until he finally reached the tyre, which he used to prop himself up. ‘Phew’, he said, brushing himself off. ‘What an expedition!’’
Try to be more thrifty. You unnecessarily repeat a lot of words, either explicitly or using verbose turns of phrases. Be more pithy and terse, especially with this format. Brevity, it is said, is the soul of wit. And avoid relying on 'to be' too much, there are many ways you can put it aside and use stronger verbs instead.
(To be continued tomorrow)
>>Monokeras
I think you might have crossed my review of this for the one about "Lathyrus Odoratus Gnarly Journey." This one does have a twist at the end, but it's not a joke or pun, so it's not really a feghoot. In that other one, it just had the feel to me of leading up to a pun ending, but if it had one, I didn't get it.
I think you might have crossed my review of this for the one about "Lathyrus Odoratus Gnarly Journey." This one does have a twist at the end, but it's not a joke or pun, so it's not really a feghoot. In that other one, it just had the feel to me of leading up to a pun ending, but if it had one, I didn't get it.
>>Pascoite
I thought one could use 'feghoot' for any story whose purpose is to more or less cunningly lead the unsuspecting reader into a final twist.
Am I wrong?
I thought one could use 'feghoot' for any story whose purpose is to more or less cunningly lead the unsuspecting reader into a final twist.
Am I wrong?
>>Monokeras
A feghoot necessarily has a humorous ending, often a pun or a play on a familiar phrase. They can sucker you into thinking it's a serious story then spring the joke on you unexpectedly, but they do have to be funny.
A feghoot necessarily has a humorous ending, often a pun or a play on a familiar phrase. They can sucker you into thinking it's a serious story then spring the joke on you unexpectedly, but they do have to be funny.
>>Pascoite
Okay, thank you Pasco.
By the way, don’t feel obliged to answer me deep in the wee hours!
It’s nice to know you’re still around in these times of dearth.
I hope you’re doing well
Okay, thank you Pasco.
By the way, don’t feel obliged to answer me deep in the wee hours!
It’s nice to know you’re still around in these times of dearth.
I hope you’re doing well
>>Monokeras
"palms pressed against her laps"
"Lap" is used as a singular term, unless you mean multiple people, and you normally only talk about things being in or on a lap, so "into" is probably the better choice of preposition. (I know learning which prepositions go with which situations is one of the trickier parts of using a non-native language.)
Normally, the comma that transitions from dialogue to speech tag goes inside the quotation marks. I know there are some countries that do it differently, so I guess it's up to you whether you want to use what you're used to or what most of your readers will see as correct, but you have some one way and some the other, so at least be consistent.
When you have speech that gets cut off, the dashes have sometimes flipped your closing quotes backward. You can trick smart quotes into getting them right by typing the quote first, then gong back and inserting the dash (though it seems smart quotes for things like GDocs have gotten smarter over the years and don't malfunction after dashes anymore).
You used plural "women" twice where you need singular "woman."
"one of man's most remarkable activity"
"One of" suggests that what follows should be plural, but you have singular "activity."
Typo in "that is father was ready to fund."
A couple places, you repeat a word close together, but that's more a stylistic than editing thing. Similarly, you describe Freud as extending a "massive hand" to her, but he doesn't strike me as someone who would have massive hands. If you happen to know, I'll bow to your knowledge, but he wasn't a large man. None of the pictures I've seen of him make him look heavy, and sources put him at about average height, 5'7" to 5'8".
"palms pressed against her laps"
"Lap" is used as a singular term, unless you mean multiple people, and you normally only talk about things being in or on a lap, so "into" is probably the better choice of preposition. (I know learning which prepositions go with which situations is one of the trickier parts of using a non-native language.)
Normally, the comma that transitions from dialogue to speech tag goes inside the quotation marks. I know there are some countries that do it differently, so I guess it's up to you whether you want to use what you're used to or what most of your readers will see as correct, but you have some one way and some the other, so at least be consistent.
When you have speech that gets cut off, the dashes have sometimes flipped your closing quotes backward. You can trick smart quotes into getting them right by typing the quote first, then gong back and inserting the dash (though it seems smart quotes for things like GDocs have gotten smarter over the years and don't malfunction after dashes anymore).
You used plural "women" twice where you need singular "woman."
"one of man's most remarkable activity"
"One of" suggests that what follows should be plural, but you have singular "activity."
Typo in "that is father was ready to fund."
A couple places, you repeat a word close together, but that's more a stylistic than editing thing. Similarly, you describe Freud as extending a "massive hand" to her, but he doesn't strike me as someone who would have massive hands. If you happen to know, I'll bow to your knowledge, but he wasn't a large man. None of the pictures I've seen of him make him look heavy, and sources put him at about average height, 5'7" to 5'8".
>>Pascoite
Sorry for being so long to answer. Duly noted for 'lap'. The rest is more, like, carelessness because I wrote too quickly, but hopefully nothing I can’t fix.
I don’t have any idea how Freud looked. I just extrapolated here, so yes, please don’t expect too much factual accuracy.
Thanks a lot Pasco. Your input means a lot to me.
Sorry for being so long to answer. Duly noted for 'lap'. The rest is more, like, carelessness because I wrote too quickly, but hopefully nothing I can’t fix.
I don’t have any idea how Freud looked. I just extrapolated here, so yes, please don’t expect too much factual accuracy.
Thanks a lot Pasco. Your input means a lot to me.