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Lathyrus Odoratus Gnarly Journey
Mr. Pea didn't think he was going to make it this morning. In a couple of hours he was supposed to go sledding with Ms. Sweet. It was below freezing and his car was covered in snow on top of ice. His first inkling that he was in trouble was when he slipped down the apartment steps outside. Fortunately it was only a couple of them and he wasn't hurt. Unfortunately it was so icy he couldn't stand up.
He couldn't climb back up the step to prop himself up because the steps were too slippery. The man decided to slowly crawl to his car though the white, solid pack crust. Inch by inch he got closer until he reached the tire of his car. Using that he pulled himself upright and brushed himself off.
Mr. Pea cleaned off his car with trouble and tried to start the thing up. Nothing but the heater worked. As he was warming himself, he racked his brain on how he would get to the old sledding hill across town. He checked his car trunk and found some boxes of old summer things. With this he had a plan.
Carefully he took his sled from the car roof and placed it on the ground. Next he opened one of the boxes and took out some not so legal firework rockets. He took some zip ties from the box and tied them to his sled. He figured he needed a lot of them and his makeshift ride that was built for two was able accommodate his idea.
The man thought he had a brilliant plan. It wasn't.
Across town Ms. Sweet was having issues of her own. It wasn't as bad at her house, but her car wouldn't start up at all. To make matters worse, her phone in the house was not working. She had no way to call Mr. Pea to inform him of what was happening. In the end she decided to walk to the old sledding hill.
She bundled up and put some snowshoes on her feet. Since the hill was only a couple of miles away, the woman figured she could make it. Ms. Sweet was young like Mr. Pea and about as healthy as him. She made her way across the snowy plain in good spirits.
This wasn't to last because Ms. Sweet came across the small old bridge over the river by the junkyard. It looked like the middle part collapsed during the night's show fall. The other bridge was miles and miles away. Undeterred the woman used her head and came up with a way to get across the bridge. The bridge was partially frozen and the woman quickly searched the junkyard for items to help.
Luck was on her side as she found a hook and a lot of old rope. She tied them together and found a part of the bridge that would be secure. Ms. Sweet took the hook with rope and tied them to this part. On her first try, she hooked the rope to the other side of the bridge. Ms. Sweet took a deep breath and climbed across.
The woman thought her plan was working well. It wasn't.
Soon as Ms. Sweet crossed the gap and put her feet down on the bridge, she started to slip. She lost her grip on the rope and kept on going. Luckily she didn't fall down. Unluckily she couldn't stop sliding and was slowly heading towards a ditch. It was all she could do to keep upright when a sound in the distance caught her attention. A man was screaming.
Mr. Pea's rockets were pushing his sled along at a brisk pace. So many that were loaded on that he could not slow down. Worse, he didn't have a good way to steer it. Even worse, the man was heading right towards the woman. Uncertain doom loomed for them as they both collided.
The woman was caught by the man and the added weight slowed the sled down. Mr. Pea suggested quickly to Ms. Sweet to use the snowshoes as brakes. She did and was unharmed. The sled came to a crawl and the rockets finally stopped. They enjoyed a moment of calm and then shared a laugh.
Why were the rockets that good to get one man on a sled across town? We'll just leave it that they weren't so legal, but well made as to not fail.
He couldn't climb back up the step to prop himself up because the steps were too slippery. The man decided to slowly crawl to his car though the white, solid pack crust. Inch by inch he got closer until he reached the tire of his car. Using that he pulled himself upright and brushed himself off.
Mr. Pea cleaned off his car with trouble and tried to start the thing up. Nothing but the heater worked. As he was warming himself, he racked his brain on how he would get to the old sledding hill across town. He checked his car trunk and found some boxes of old summer things. With this he had a plan.
Carefully he took his sled from the car roof and placed it on the ground. Next he opened one of the boxes and took out some not so legal firework rockets. He took some zip ties from the box and tied them to his sled. He figured he needed a lot of them and his makeshift ride that was built for two was able accommodate his idea.
The man thought he had a brilliant plan. It wasn't.
Across town Ms. Sweet was having issues of her own. It wasn't as bad at her house, but her car wouldn't start up at all. To make matters worse, her phone in the house was not working. She had no way to call Mr. Pea to inform him of what was happening. In the end she decided to walk to the old sledding hill.
She bundled up and put some snowshoes on her feet. Since the hill was only a couple of miles away, the woman figured she could make it. Ms. Sweet was young like Mr. Pea and about as healthy as him. She made her way across the snowy plain in good spirits.
This wasn't to last because Ms. Sweet came across the small old bridge over the river by the junkyard. It looked like the middle part collapsed during the night's show fall. The other bridge was miles and miles away. Undeterred the woman used her head and came up with a way to get across the bridge. The bridge was partially frozen and the woman quickly searched the junkyard for items to help.
Luck was on her side as she found a hook and a lot of old rope. She tied them together and found a part of the bridge that would be secure. Ms. Sweet took the hook with rope and tied them to this part. On her first try, she hooked the rope to the other side of the bridge. Ms. Sweet took a deep breath and climbed across.
The woman thought her plan was working well. It wasn't.
Soon as Ms. Sweet crossed the gap and put her feet down on the bridge, she started to slip. She lost her grip on the rope and kept on going. Luckily she didn't fall down. Unluckily she couldn't stop sliding and was slowly heading towards a ditch. It was all she could do to keep upright when a sound in the distance caught her attention. A man was screaming.
Mr. Pea's rockets were pushing his sled along at a brisk pace. So many that were loaded on that he could not slow down. Worse, he didn't have a good way to steer it. Even worse, the man was heading right towards the woman. Uncertain doom loomed for them as they both collided.
The woman was caught by the man and the added weight slowed the sled down. Mr. Pea suggested quickly to Ms. Sweet to use the snowshoes as brakes. She did and was unharmed. The sled came to a crawl and the rockets finally stopped. They enjoyed a moment of calm and then shared a laugh.
Why were the rockets that good to get one man on a sled across town? We'll just leave it that they weren't so legal, but well made as to not fail.
Pics
Hm, this really feels like a feghoot, but if the ending line is a punchline for one, I'm not getting it. It has me in mind of a story I read years ago (maybe in a writeoff?) about Spike on a rocket-powered sled.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to make of this. It's mildly amusing, but doesn't ever have any strong jokes in it, it doesn't grow the characters in any way. I guess it's just for the schadenfreude of watching everything go wrong that can? It doesn't make a point, but there is a certain pleasure in seeing the two repeatedly make bad decisions.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to make of this. It's mildly amusing, but doesn't ever have any strong jokes in it, it doesn't grow the characters in any way. I guess it's just for the schadenfreude of watching everything go wrong that can? It doesn't make a point, but there is a certain pleasure in seeing the two repeatedly make bad decisions.
Sounds more slapstick to me than anything else. There are numerous problems with the style. It’s not like the previous entry with its somewhat cookie-cutter sentences. It’s a general feeling of clunkiness. Let me give some examples: in the first paragraph, the last two lines are literally riddled with 'was'.
Next (and last) example:
I would've written like this: ‘He crawled on the white, solid crust, until he finally reached the tyre, which he used to prop himself up. ‘Phew’, he said, brushing himself off. ‘What an expedition!’’
Try to be more thrifty. You unnecessarily repeat a lot of words, either explicitly or using verbose turns of phrases. Be more pithy and terse, especially with this format. Brevity, it is said, is the soul of wit. And avoid relying on 'to be' too much, there are many ways you can put it aside and use stronger verbs instead.
(To be continued tomorrow)
His first inkling that he was in trouble was when he slipped down the apartment steps outside. Fortunately it was only a couple of them and he wasn't hurt. Unfortunately it was so icy he couldn't stand up.Count them.
Next (and last) example:
The man decided to slowly crawl to his car though the white, solid pack crust. Inch by inch he got closer until he reached the tire of his car. Using that he pulled himself upright and brushed himself off.
I would've written like this: ‘He crawled on the white, solid crust, until he finally reached the tyre, which he used to prop himself up. ‘Phew’, he said, brushing himself off. ‘What an expedition!’’
Try to be more thrifty. You unnecessarily repeat a lot of words, either explicitly or using verbose turns of phrases. Be more pithy and terse, especially with this format. Brevity, it is said, is the soul of wit. And avoid relying on 'to be' too much, there are many ways you can put it aside and use stronger verbs instead.
(To be continued tomorrow)