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Hooves-On Lesson
“C-can we start from the beginning?” Starlight barely managed to stammer out. She tried desperately to smile wider, but she felt just how plastic it must have looked.
The other mare, sitting across Starlight’s desk in the headmare’s office, only raised her eyebrow.
“I mean—what I’m trying to say is…” Starlight chewed her words thoughtfully, like a cow. Not that she was comparing herself to a cow. Not that there was anything wrong about being a cow, because that’d be prejudiced.
She swallowed and set her train of thought gently back on its tracks.
“I want to ask why you’re interested in attending Princess Twilight’s School of Friendship,” she managed, in her most professional voice.
“I want to... make friends,” said Tempest Shadow. Or, Fizzlepop, was it?
The mauve unicorn (whose name Starlight couldn’t quite decide on yet) kept her voice low, wary and cautious. But she sounded sincere.
“The School of Friendship is primarily geared towards… um… the academic needs of younger creatures,” Starlight said, testing the waters.
“I know. I don’t care,” said the other mare, beginning to scowl.
Starlight quickly backpaddled out of the waters, which had proven themselves to be shark-infested.
Tempest—because nopony in their right mind could call that towering, stormy, muscular figure a name like ‘Fizzlepop’—didn’t even seem to notice Starlight’s involuntary wince. Or, maybe she did, but she didn’t show it.
Starlight briefly shot Phyllis a glance, for moral support. It had taken a lot of paperwork to get the little potted plant registered as an emotional support creature, but it was worth it. The cute red collar with the official designation really did give Phyllis a sense of character. It meshed well with her green-ish tones of, well, green.
Starlight blinked. Because Tempest was still looking at her.
“I’m just, uh, afraid that this would not be the best fit for you,” she said, her voice as desperately placating as she could manage. “Maybe an environment where you could interact with your peers would work out a little better.”
“I have no peers,” said Tempest. Her scarred face twisted up, in an ugly way. “I have no coworkers. I have no acquaintances. And I have. No. Friends.”
The last few sentences came out in an almost uncontrolled burst. Starlight saw just a bit of something etched in Fizzlepop’s face for a hundredth of a moment, before the mask of Tempest slammed back into place.
“Hence,” said Tempest, as though explaining it to a foal, “I need to go to school. I need to learn.”
Starlight felt her brow furrow, almost involuntarily. What Tempest said had flipped on the ‘school headmare’ switch in Starlight’s mind, and a ramshackle collection of heavily used mental machinery began to come to life.
“What is it that you want to learn here?” asked Starlight, with a genuinely easy grace that surprised her so much she had to fight to keep it off her face.
“I want to learn…. how to talk to ponies.” Tempest spoke some of her words through gritted teeth. “I want to learn how to belong. I want to learn how to fit in. I don’t fit in. I’m broken.”
The last sentence was spoken as though she were simply talking about a piece of armor or an arcsword. It was punctuated with a subconscious glance up towards her forehead.
The wheels in Starlight’s subconcious were still turning. And after a score of equations, the sum that the mental machines spat out arrived in her conscious awareness with surprisingly finality.
“I see,” she said. “And I understand.”
Starlight reached out with her magic—oh god, was that being insensitive??—and opened one of the drawers in her desk. There were many drawers in her desk, because she liked drawers. But the contents of this one, she saved for occasions like this.
“Hold out your hoof for me, please,” she said while she retrieved what she was looking for.
Tempest did an excellent job of keeping the confusion off of her face. She stood, straightened, and presented her hoof like a weapon.
Starlight picked up a little sphere of polished steel, no bigger than a golf ball, and carefully brought it closer walking on unsure hooves as she came to Tempest, as though she were carrying a flask of volatile reagents.
“Take a hold of this. But be careful. It’s easy to drop,” she said, with a gentle wink.
This time, Tempest couldn’t keep the perplexion from showing. Her eyes pinched at the sides, and her lips curled the slightest bit to one side. Because that little metal ball couldn’t weigh more than a pound at most.
When Starlight passed the ball into Tempest’s hoof, the former soldier’s eyes immediately wided.
The ball lurched to one side, and Tempest snapped her other hoof down on it to stop it from rolling away.
Tempest’s entire balance wobbled for a moment, and then she found equilibrium, and Starlight saw her form relax.
“Tricky, isn’t it?” said Starlight, smiling.
“It…. doesn’t fall straight down,” said Fizzlepop, a wash of wonder in her voice.
“Yep!” Starlight nodded, eagerly. “Its center of gravity is about three feet outside of its mass. And it gets pulled towards whatever direction it happens to be pointed at. It’ll even roll up a wall, if you aim it right.”
“What is it?” asked Fizzlepop. The large mare carefully took a hoof away from the ball, so she could bend over close and get a better look at it.
“It’s a lump of Discordian steel,” said Starlight. “During Discord’s previous escapades, he used to break a lot of physics. There are a lot of little bits of space and matter still lingering around that just won’t come all the way back together, even after he stopped being, um, evil.”
Tempest passed the ball from one hoof to the other. It was a strange sight, seeing somepony hold an object from the side rather than from the bottom.
“Discordian objects tend to be really handy, because they don’t need constant enchantments to retain their properties. This particular little guy used to be a counterweight for the Friendship Castle’s indoor water pumps. Apparently, magical trees don’t sprout out the ground with enough internal room for indoor plumbing, so the engineers had to get creative.”
Starlight cleared her throat for the next bit, because it was the important part.
“This little ball of steel is useful,” she said, “because it’s broken. It’s never going to be like any other metal ball there ever was, or there ever will be. It can’t ever be like all the rest of the steel in the world.”
For a stretched out moment, Tempest was absolutely motionless, with that confused scowl still frozen on her features.
Just enough time passed in awkward silence for Starlight to start panicking on the inside.
Was this whole demonstration too foalish? Did Tempest think she was being condescending?
Oh, moon-damn it, Starlight swore she would never switch on headmare-mode again in the presence of another adult as long as she ever lived!
Just when she was about to snatch the ball back and profusely apologize, Fizzlepop’s eyes pinched at the sides.
“But it still has a place, doesn’t it?” said Fizzlepop, eyes almost wet.
It took a moment for Starlight to realize that Fizzlepop was replying to Starlight’s previous sentence. But when it did, something in Starlight’s chest absolutely glowed with Harmony.
“It’ll always have a place, somewhere,” she said. "And it doesn't need to be like the others."
The other mare, sitting across Starlight’s desk in the headmare’s office, only raised her eyebrow.
“I mean—what I’m trying to say is…” Starlight chewed her words thoughtfully, like a cow. Not that she was comparing herself to a cow. Not that there was anything wrong about being a cow, because that’d be prejudiced.
She swallowed and set her train of thought gently back on its tracks.
“I want to ask why you’re interested in attending Princess Twilight’s School of Friendship,” she managed, in her most professional voice.
“I want to... make friends,” said Tempest Shadow. Or, Fizzlepop, was it?
The mauve unicorn (whose name Starlight couldn’t quite decide on yet) kept her voice low, wary and cautious. But she sounded sincere.
“The School of Friendship is primarily geared towards… um… the academic needs of younger creatures,” Starlight said, testing the waters.
“I know. I don’t care,” said the other mare, beginning to scowl.
Starlight quickly backpaddled out of the waters, which had proven themselves to be shark-infested.
Tempest—because nopony in their right mind could call that towering, stormy, muscular figure a name like ‘Fizzlepop’—didn’t even seem to notice Starlight’s involuntary wince. Or, maybe she did, but she didn’t show it.
Starlight briefly shot Phyllis a glance, for moral support. It had taken a lot of paperwork to get the little potted plant registered as an emotional support creature, but it was worth it. The cute red collar with the official designation really did give Phyllis a sense of character. It meshed well with her green-ish tones of, well, green.
Starlight blinked. Because Tempest was still looking at her.
“I’m just, uh, afraid that this would not be the best fit for you,” she said, her voice as desperately placating as she could manage. “Maybe an environment where you could interact with your peers would work out a little better.”
“I have no peers,” said Tempest. Her scarred face twisted up, in an ugly way. “I have no coworkers. I have no acquaintances. And I have. No. Friends.”
The last few sentences came out in an almost uncontrolled burst. Starlight saw just a bit of something etched in Fizzlepop’s face for a hundredth of a moment, before the mask of Tempest slammed back into place.
“Hence,” said Tempest, as though explaining it to a foal, “I need to go to school. I need to learn.”
Starlight felt her brow furrow, almost involuntarily. What Tempest said had flipped on the ‘school headmare’ switch in Starlight’s mind, and a ramshackle collection of heavily used mental machinery began to come to life.
“What is it that you want to learn here?” asked Starlight, with a genuinely easy grace that surprised her so much she had to fight to keep it off her face.
“I want to learn…. how to talk to ponies.” Tempest spoke some of her words through gritted teeth. “I want to learn how to belong. I want to learn how to fit in. I don’t fit in. I’m broken.”
The last sentence was spoken as though she were simply talking about a piece of armor or an arcsword. It was punctuated with a subconscious glance up towards her forehead.
The wheels in Starlight’s subconcious were still turning. And after a score of equations, the sum that the mental machines spat out arrived in her conscious awareness with surprisingly finality.
“I see,” she said. “And I understand.”
Starlight reached out with her magic—oh god, was that being insensitive??—and opened one of the drawers in her desk. There were many drawers in her desk, because she liked drawers. But the contents of this one, she saved for occasions like this.
“Hold out your hoof for me, please,” she said while she retrieved what she was looking for.
Tempest did an excellent job of keeping the confusion off of her face. She stood, straightened, and presented her hoof like a weapon.
Starlight picked up a little sphere of polished steel, no bigger than a golf ball, and carefully brought it closer walking on unsure hooves as she came to Tempest, as though she were carrying a flask of volatile reagents.
“Take a hold of this. But be careful. It’s easy to drop,” she said, with a gentle wink.
This time, Tempest couldn’t keep the perplexion from showing. Her eyes pinched at the sides, and her lips curled the slightest bit to one side. Because that little metal ball couldn’t weigh more than a pound at most.
When Starlight passed the ball into Tempest’s hoof, the former soldier’s eyes immediately wided.
The ball lurched to one side, and Tempest snapped her other hoof down on it to stop it from rolling away.
Tempest’s entire balance wobbled for a moment, and then she found equilibrium, and Starlight saw her form relax.
“Tricky, isn’t it?” said Starlight, smiling.
“It…. doesn’t fall straight down,” said Fizzlepop, a wash of wonder in her voice.
“Yep!” Starlight nodded, eagerly. “Its center of gravity is about three feet outside of its mass. And it gets pulled towards whatever direction it happens to be pointed at. It’ll even roll up a wall, if you aim it right.”
“What is it?” asked Fizzlepop. The large mare carefully took a hoof away from the ball, so she could bend over close and get a better look at it.
“It’s a lump of Discordian steel,” said Starlight. “During Discord’s previous escapades, he used to break a lot of physics. There are a lot of little bits of space and matter still lingering around that just won’t come all the way back together, even after he stopped being, um, evil.”
Tempest passed the ball from one hoof to the other. It was a strange sight, seeing somepony hold an object from the side rather than from the bottom.
“Discordian objects tend to be really handy, because they don’t need constant enchantments to retain their properties. This particular little guy used to be a counterweight for the Friendship Castle’s indoor water pumps. Apparently, magical trees don’t sprout out the ground with enough internal room for indoor plumbing, so the engineers had to get creative.”
Starlight cleared her throat for the next bit, because it was the important part.
“This little ball of steel is useful,” she said, “because it’s broken. It’s never going to be like any other metal ball there ever was, or there ever will be. It can’t ever be like all the rest of the steel in the world.”
For a stretched out moment, Tempest was absolutely motionless, with that confused scowl still frozen on her features.
Just enough time passed in awkward silence for Starlight to start panicking on the inside.
Was this whole demonstration too foalish? Did Tempest think she was being condescending?
Oh, moon-damn it, Starlight swore she would never switch on headmare-mode again in the presence of another adult as long as she ever lived!
Just when she was about to snatch the ball back and profusely apologize, Fizzlepop’s eyes pinched at the sides.
“But it still has a place, doesn’t it?” said Fizzlepop, eyes almost wet.
It took a moment for Starlight to realize that Fizzlepop was replying to Starlight’s previous sentence. But when it did, something in Starlight’s chest absolutely glowed with Harmony.
“It’ll always have a place, somewhere,” she said. "And it doesn't need to be like the others."
Pics
Nothing is ever really broken. Only transformed.
Something I liked:
If I were to judge these entries by how they hit me on a gut level, on a first reading, this would take top spot. It's kind of extraordinary in a way, because it deceives the reader into thinking it'll be a comedy. There are a lot of jokes made, especially in the narration, but the point the story is making is as real as a heart attack. Tempest may have been reformed, but she still has nothing, and Starlight has to convince that she can turn that nothing into something. The final few sentences hit so hard for me because they remind me that you might be weird, but you're not broken.
Something I didn't like:
Unfortunately, the humor doesn't work as well for me upon re-examination. I think it's because some of Starlight's internal remarks come off as too human-like. For instance, at one point she says "oh god," and that took me right out of what was an immersive experience up to that point. The comedy threatens to invade what turns out to be a very heartfelt exchange between these characters, and I honestly wish there was a more concrete separation between the humor and the seriousness. There's also the occasional odd phrase that seems almost like a typo, but that's a minor point.
Verdict: Still one of my favorites. The fact that I'm the first to review this entry is a travesty.
Something I liked:
If I were to judge these entries by how they hit me on a gut level, on a first reading, this would take top spot. It's kind of extraordinary in a way, because it deceives the reader into thinking it'll be a comedy. There are a lot of jokes made, especially in the narration, but the point the story is making is as real as a heart attack. Tempest may have been reformed, but she still has nothing, and Starlight has to convince that she can turn that nothing into something. The final few sentences hit so hard for me because they remind me that you might be weird, but you're not broken.
Something I didn't like:
Unfortunately, the humor doesn't work as well for me upon re-examination. I think it's because some of Starlight's internal remarks come off as too human-like. For instance, at one point she says "oh god," and that took me right out of what was an immersive experience up to that point. The comedy threatens to invade what turns out to be a very heartfelt exchange between these characters, and I honestly wish there was a more concrete separation between the humor and the seriousness. There's also the occasional odd phrase that seems almost like a typo, but that's a minor point.
Verdict: Still one of my favorites. The fact that I'm the first to review this entry is a travesty.
I agree with >>No_Raisin:
The story's message is lovely, but the tonal swings really knock it off balance. Having Starlight quietly panicking while Tempest regards her from the other side of the desk is fine, but I'd say the story would work better with maybe half as much of it of it as it has now. I'd also like an actual resolution: does Starlight admit Tempest as a student? Personally, I'd say Starlight should hire her as a phys. ed. coach and aim her toward making friends with the other faculty members since Starlight and Trixie and Sunburst are closer to Tempest's age and all, but that would likely need a multi-chapter story to explore. Good stuff here, though.
Mike
The story's message is lovely, but the tonal swings really knock it off balance. Having Starlight quietly panicking while Tempest regards her from the other side of the desk is fine, but I'd say the story would work better with maybe half as much of it of it as it has now. I'd also like an actual resolution: does Starlight admit Tempest as a student? Personally, I'd say Starlight should hire her as a phys. ed. coach and aim her toward making friends with the other faculty members since Starlight and Trixie and Sunburst are closer to Tempest's age and all, but that would likely need a multi-chapter story to explore. Good stuff here, though.
Mike
Genre: Balls To The Wall
Thoughts: I’m of two minds with this fic. Though it’s all one scene, it breaks down into two logical segments that give me different feelings: the part with the ball of steel, and the part before.
The part before is rough and unfocused right now, IMO. Now, it’s not without its moments; I have to say that I love the little touches like shark infested waters, and the emotional support plant. But the fic spends a good while beating around the bush before Starlight gets into a groove with what she wants to do with Tempest. The cow joke in particular was a miss for me, and feels representative of the not-quite-on-point prose. I didn’t used to be as much of a stickler for crisp openers, but it’s hard to go back after coming to believe how effective they can be at hooking the reader, establishing the world and characters, et cetera.
Fortunately, right around the midpoint of this fic, Starlight takes out a ball that recasts the entire thing in brilliance. Line by line, beat by beat, everything past that point is perfect. It puts forward a creative concept and uses it to be emotionally affecting, but it never descends into being maudlin. It gives us an incredibly touching moment that would propel this to the top of my slate if it wasn’t saddled with the clunkier beginning.
In the end, I find myself actively debating how to rank this against everything else. When it’s on, it’s on. And really, it’s on for a solid half or more of the story. Maybe I’m letting the beginning bug me too much. Either way, this is some powerful material that would be even stronger with a bit more polishing.
Tier: (All of the stories this round are good)
Thoughts: I’m of two minds with this fic. Though it’s all one scene, it breaks down into two logical segments that give me different feelings: the part with the ball of steel, and the part before.
The part before is rough and unfocused right now, IMO. Now, it’s not without its moments; I have to say that I love the little touches like shark infested waters, and the emotional support plant. But the fic spends a good while beating around the bush before Starlight gets into a groove with what she wants to do with Tempest. The cow joke in particular was a miss for me, and feels representative of the not-quite-on-point prose. I didn’t used to be as much of a stickler for crisp openers, but it’s hard to go back after coming to believe how effective they can be at hooking the reader, establishing the world and characters, et cetera.
Fortunately, right around the midpoint of this fic, Starlight takes out a ball that recasts the entire thing in brilliance. Line by line, beat by beat, everything past that point is perfect. It puts forward a creative concept and uses it to be emotionally affecting, but it never descends into being maudlin. It gives us an incredibly touching moment that would propel this to the top of my slate if it wasn’t saddled with the clunkier beginning.
In the end, I find myself actively debating how to rank this against everything else. When it’s on, it’s on. And really, it’s on for a solid half or more of the story. Maybe I’m letting the beginning bug me too much. Either way, this is some powerful material that would be even stronger with a bit more polishing.
Tier: (All of the stories this round are good)
.... Oh shit, I forgot to do a retro.
Really Late Retro: Hooves-On Lesson
I have absolutely no clue why the site decided to give me the gold, even though Coffee and I tied. But nevertheless, I'm really happy to have done so well in a round with so many other excellent entries. Thank you!
So I've had the idea for this one banging around in my head in some shape or form ever since Starlight Glimmer's redemption arc. My first attempt to put it down was for a minific contest that was probably two or three years ago at this point. It had the basic premise of a "Discordian" object being used to teach a lesson about fitting in, but instead of Tempest learning the lesson, it was Starlight, and instead of Starlight teaching the lesson, it was an odds-and-ends engineer OC. I only got about 400 words into that draft (which is probably still in my Drive somewhere, geez) before I realized I could never make it fit within 750 words. And then the idea went on ice.
Seeing the prompt kind of rekindled the thought, and then since by now I've fully developed my Tempest obsession, I of course had to make it about Tempest. Plus at this point, the show pretty much already wrapped up Starlight's self-doubt arc, so the role didn't really fit her anymore. But it was still nice to be able to pull her in and use her in the mentoring position instead.
Yeah, so a lot of people here and in the podcast mentioned how off-beat the first half of this felt, especially in regards to the humor. I have a really fucking dumb explanation for that.
Basically, I started writing this story about 10 minutes after the whole "Twirly Dick" conversation on the Discord channel. And I was still in a stupid mood.
.... Yeah, I apologize. :P
>>No_Raisin
I'm really glad that the overall payoff worked for you! I was actually really scared that it was coming across as cheesy towards the end, to the point that I had to have Starlight lampshade it a little. But it looks like it did it's job, which is a relief to me!
Yeah, I definitely did not do a great job with the whole humorous-internal-narration thing. I was really making things up as I went, and it didn't always come together. And in regards to typos, I know exactly what you mean. I cringed when I read this the day after submissions and saw "a wash with" instead of "awash with". Sometimes my brain just starts putting words together, you know?
Thanks for the review!
>>Baal Bunny
Happy you liked it! To answer your question, no I did not envision Tempest still enrolling after this conversation. And if I'm perfectly honest, I absolutely adore your phys ed teacher idea, and if this fic even has a 1% chance of making its way to Fimfiction I swear to Celestia I will steal the hell out of that idea. :P
Thanks for your feedback on what didn't work with the humor. Yeah, like I said earlier, I was in a dumb mood, and I freestyled with a lot of the first half of this story. I'm not all that surprised that it isn't exactly top-tier material, ha.
Thanks for leaving a review!
>>CoffeeMinion
You're totally right about the wackiness with pacing in the first half. But I'm glad that at least some of the jokes worked well for you!
Happy to hear that the resolution and main conflict felt strong to you. I have to agree with you that I'm also the kind of person who really cares about hooks/introductions, so I'll definitely have to do some surgery on the first bits of this story if it's ever going to see the light of day.
Thank you for leaving your thoughts!
Really Late Retro: Hooves-On Lesson
I have absolutely no clue why the site decided to give me the gold, even though Coffee and I tied. But nevertheless, I'm really happy to have done so well in a round with so many other excellent entries. Thank you!
So I've had the idea for this one banging around in my head in some shape or form ever since Starlight Glimmer's redemption arc. My first attempt to put it down was for a minific contest that was probably two or three years ago at this point. It had the basic premise of a "Discordian" object being used to teach a lesson about fitting in, but instead of Tempest learning the lesson, it was Starlight, and instead of Starlight teaching the lesson, it was an odds-and-ends engineer OC. I only got about 400 words into that draft (which is probably still in my Drive somewhere, geez) before I realized I could never make it fit within 750 words. And then the idea went on ice.
Seeing the prompt kind of rekindled the thought, and then since by now I've fully developed my Tempest obsession, I of course had to make it about Tempest. Plus at this point, the show pretty much already wrapped up Starlight's self-doubt arc, so the role didn't really fit her anymore. But it was still nice to be able to pull her in and use her in the mentoring position instead.
Yeah, so a lot of people here and in the podcast mentioned how off-beat the first half of this felt, especially in regards to the humor. I have a really fucking dumb explanation for that.
Basically, I started writing this story about 10 minutes after the whole "Twirly Dick" conversation on the Discord channel. And I was still in a stupid mood.
.... Yeah, I apologize. :P
>>No_Raisin
I'm really glad that the overall payoff worked for you! I was actually really scared that it was coming across as cheesy towards the end, to the point that I had to have Starlight lampshade it a little. But it looks like it did it's job, which is a relief to me!
Yeah, I definitely did not do a great job with the whole humorous-internal-narration thing. I was really making things up as I went, and it didn't always come together. And in regards to typos, I know exactly what you mean. I cringed when I read this the day after submissions and saw "a wash with" instead of "awash with". Sometimes my brain just starts putting words together, you know?
Thanks for the review!
>>Baal Bunny
Happy you liked it! To answer your question, no I did not envision Tempest still enrolling after this conversation. And if I'm perfectly honest, I absolutely adore your phys ed teacher idea, and if this fic even has a 1% chance of making its way to Fimfiction I swear to Celestia I will steal the hell out of that idea. :P
Thanks for your feedback on what didn't work with the humor. Yeah, like I said earlier, I was in a dumb mood, and I freestyled with a lot of the first half of this story. I'm not all that surprised that it isn't exactly top-tier material, ha.
Thanks for leaving a review!
>>CoffeeMinion
You're totally right about the wackiness with pacing in the first half. But I'm glad that at least some of the jokes worked well for you!
Happy to hear that the resolution and main conflict felt strong to you. I have to agree with you that I'm also the kind of person who really cares about hooks/introductions, so I'll definitely have to do some surgery on the first bits of this story if it's ever going to see the light of day.
Thank you for leaving your thoughts!