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The Things You Do for Love
Content Warning: Death
“I’m not helping you two with dark magic! No!" Wallflower threw her hands up, looking from Lyra to Bon Bon with disgust on her face. "Why would you even ask me that? If that’s it, I’m going back to my gardening now.”
As Wallflower stood to leave, Lyra reached out to grab her hand. “Please, Wallflower. We need you.”
She shook Lyra’s hand off. “Really? Need? What kind of dark magic spell did you need?” Air quotes emphasized the question.
Lyra grabbed her hand again, serving only to irritate Wallflower more alongside the puppy-dog eyes and pouty lips that Lyra now sported. “We need you to trap a spirit in this world. It’ll just be the one time. I promise.”
Wallflower choked, pulling her hand away to cover her face. “If you two are planning murder, I am so calling the cops.”
“What?!” Lyra stood, scowling. “How could you think that?”
“Maybe because you’ve asked me to help you perform dark magic to trap a soul? I’m pretty sure that counts as worse than murder. Now if there’s nothing else, there’s the door.”
Lyra’s scowl turned to panic. “Wait, please. Let me explain.”
Wallflower laughed. “Explain what? You think you have some kind of justification for this? And why would you ask me instead of Sunset or Trixie? I’m pretty sure they’ve got more magic in their pinkie fingers than I’ve got in my whole body.”
“I did ask them!” said Lyra, raising her voice and her hands. “Sunset just laughed at me. Trixie threatened to call the cops if we ever spoke to her again.” Tears formed in her eyes. “You’re our last hope.”
Wallflower cocked her head, mystified by the tears. “What the fuck is going on?”
Lyra turned to Bon Bon. “Tell her, Bonnie.”
Bon Bon shrunk into the couch, shaking her head as she looked at Lyra. Glancing at Wallflower, she whispered, “No.”
Wallflower looked back and forth between them, not sure what to expect next.
Lyra knelt beside Bon Bon, taking her hand as they looked into each other’s eyes, both of them on the verge of crying. “Bonnie, please. This is our last chance.”
“Lyra.” Bon Bon’s voice cracked, and she looked away while she spoke. “I can’t.”
Lyra reached up, wiping away the tears. “Can I explain to her?”
Bon Bon closed her eyes, inhaled sharply, and nodded lightly.
The whole thing felt surreal to Wallflower, accompanied by a creeping sense of dread.
Lyra sat back on the couch and embraced Bon Bon, who buried her face in Lyra’s shoulder. “Bon Bon is dying.”
“Fuck.” Wallflower sank to her couch. “What’s the problem?”
“Well I think that dying is a rather big problem.”
Wallflower had the decency to look horrified. “Sorry. I meant, why? How?”
“Breast Cancer.”
Bon Bon clutched Lyra tighter, whispering, “Let’s just go.”
Lyra responded, stroking her back. “I know it’s hard to talk about Bonnie, but just hold on. This is our last chance.” Lyra closed her eyes, resting her head across the back of Bon Bon’s neck. “We’ll make this work. Somehow. If you don’t want to listen to the conversation, you can wait in the car.”
Pulling back, Lyra looked Bon Bon in the eyes. A difficult task given Bon Bon’s downcast expression. “Do you want to do that?”
“You could go rest on my bed while we talk. My room’s just down the hall on the left.” Wallflower turned and pointed. When she turned back, the attention from Lyra and Bon Bon made her feel like a stranger in her own apartment, and she wilted. “Sorry. I’ll shut up.”
The couple turned back to face each other. “What do you say, Bonnie? Car? Bedroom?”
Bon Bon turned her head to the hallway.
“Alright.” Lyra patted her back. “We should just be a few minutes more.”
Bon Bon nodded, stood, and plodded to the indicated room.
As the door closed, Wallflower let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Wow,” she said, turning to Lyra. “So what’s the deal? Can’t she get chemotherapy or something?”
Lyra wiped at her eyes. “It’s metastasized.”
Wallflower stared blankly. “Okay. So can she get treatment?”
Lyra shook her head. “I mean, she can, but it won’t really extend her life much if at all, and she’ll be miserable and sick the whole time from it. Better to live a good life for the short time she has left.”
“Thor’s beard.” Wallflower sunk deeper into the couch, pulling her face long. “How long have you known?”
“Two weeks.”
Wallflower shot forward in her seat. “Two weeks?!”
“Well, almost.” Lyra stood and walked to the window. “We were stupid. Ignored warning signs. Didn’t go to the doctor because we couldn’t afford it.”
“Don’t you have insurance?”
"Hah!" Lyra practically barked the short laugh. “Fat lot of good that does when you can’t afford copays.” Fists clenched, she leaned against the glass. “When we finally did go in, the doctor panicked. As much as doctors do at least, which was mostly just looking sullen and grim, sending me disapproving glares. She scheduled Bon Bon for testing that day and scheduled her for a biopsy before we even got the test results back.”
“By the allfather.” Wallflower rubbed nervously at her brow as she stared at the floor. “That’s rough. Is there anything I can do?” What would I do in a situation like this? Odin preserve me. I’d flip the fuck out. Maybe I can make them dinners or something. Mom was telling me about this website where you can set up a schedule and sign up for nights with friends to help feed a family undergoing stressful situations like this. I should suggest that.
Wallflower looked up. Seeing Lyra sitting there glaring at her, arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed. Realization dawned. “Oh fuck no.”
Lyra brought her hands together as her expression flipped, and she begged, even getting down on her knees. “Please, Wallflower. I don’t want to lose her.” She closed her eyes, rubbing away the tears again. “She means everything to me.”
“Look, Lyra, get up. Geeze. You know what you’re asking me to do?”
Lyra nodded.
“Necromancy is some pretty twisted stuff. It provides great power, but always at a cost.”
Lyra scooted around the coffee table on her knees to stare up at Wallflower. It broke Wallflower’s sense of solemnity about the moment, but Lyra didn’t seem to notice. “Whatever the price is, I’m willing to pay it.”
“Alright! Just... stop with the puppy dog eyes, and let me think.” Wallflower inhaled sharply, closing her eyes. “I think I saw something like that in Pink Hearts’s Teach Yourself Necromancy in Twenty-One Days. I guess… I guess we could at least see what the price is.”
Lyra raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes! Really. No promises, but we can take a look at it.”
Shaking her head, Lyra stood. “No, I meant the book name.”
“What about it?” Wallflower stood and walked past the kitchen towards the hallway.
Following, Lyra explained. “It’s just, that seems like a pretty weird name for a book on dark magic.”
“It’s… just a name. Get over it.” Entering the bathroom, she twirled on Lyra, who’d followed her in. “What are you doing? Get out.”
“Oh.” Surprise spread on Lyra’s face. “I thought we were getting that book.” When Wallflower just crossed her arms, Lyra backed out, closing the door behind her as she spoke. “Sorry.”
While Wallflower conducted her business, Lyra continued the conversation. “I just wanna say, even if it doesn’t work out, thank you. I know it’s a bit weird to be asked for a necromantic favor, and I appreciate that you’re at least willing to entertain the idea.”
“You’d be surprised.”
“Oh?”
“Let’s just say that my last boyfriend had some really weird kinks, and leave it at that.”
“Ick. I can see why you dumped him.”
“Actually, I dumped him because he lost his job and spent five months loafing around the apartment doing nothing.” Finishing her business and washing her hands, Wallflower pulled out a drawer on the vanity and reached to the back, moving aside the toiletries to uncover a leather-bound book. “I uh. I drew the line at him getting into my magic books to fulfill his fantasies while I was working.” Removing the book and closing the drawer, she stepped into the hallway, holding the book out for Lyra to see.
“Wow. He raised the dead for a quickie? Sounds like one sick dude. Is that…” Lyra looked to the bathroom. “You keep your book on necromancy in the bathroom?”
“Don’t judge.” She led Lyra back to the living room. “And no, he summoned an imp.” She shuddered. “That gave off way too much of a creepy pedo vibe for me.”
“Wow. Just… wow,” said Lyra as they sat. “You can sure pick them.”
“Don’t remind me.” Wallflower lay lengthwise on the sofa, placing the book on her folded-up legs and flipping to the table of contents. She ran her finger down the page. “Let’s see. Here it is. Binding souls.” Flipping through the book, she found the page and paused to read.
Lyra fidgeted. “What’s it say?”
“Shh.”
“Sorry.” Lyra broke her stare, spotting the coffee table book. She flipped it open, studying the pictures of tormented hellscapes filled with hedonism.
Glancing over, Wallflower noticed Lyra’s confusion. “That’s by Hieronymous Bosch. The Garden of Earthly Delights.”
“Trippy.”
“The next page shows the outside of the triptych.” At Lyra’s sudden, piercing gaze, Wallflower blushed and returned to reading. “Sorry.”
As Lyra flipped through the book, she began to understand why Wallflower attracted weird partners.
“Huh. There are apparently two ways we can do it. The so-called ethical way requires cutting away a piece of your soul to bind the other soul. The alternative requires a sacrifice.”
Lyra smiled weakly. “I don’t suppose that means a burnt offering of fat, does it?”
“No, but it looks like we can sacrifice the person being bound. Seems like cheating, but there it is.”
“Do it.” Bon Bon’s directive drew attention from both Lyra and Wallflower. “I don’t want to linger in pain as the end comes.”
Lyra and Wallflower shared a look. “Lyra?”
“Yeah?”
“Get ready, because we’re going to kill your girlfriend.”
“...Now?”
Wallflower ducked her head, trying to hide the smirk on her face. “Sorry, couldn’t help it. I was trying to be all dramatic. No. I… I should do some more reading in some other books to make sure this will work, and you two probably need time to make arrangements. There’s also the matter of how we do it. Stabbing a knife into her heart might just get the attention of the police, so we should probably check assisted suicide laws in the state. Do you have a lawyer? You should get one, just in case.”
“Wallflower?” Bon Bon again drew their attention. “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it.” She smiled. “Literally. I don’t want to open a murder business. But for you? You two were some of my only friends in high school after… after that thing. I guess I can do murder for friends like you.”
“Aww,” said Lyra. “That’s so sweet. C’mere. Group hug.” She stood, and the little group collapsed in upon Lyra, laughing and crying.
“Alright,” said Wallflower, breaking away and wiping away her tears. “For reals this time. Let’s plan Bon Bon’s murder.”
I have multiple questions:
Why all the "fuck"? When did Wallflower become an expert in the occult? Why does she swear by Odin and Thor's beard and all that? What does it mean to trap a soul? Does Lyra already have something to trap Bon Bon's soul in? What's she going to do with it once she's trapped it? Will she and Bob Bon be able to talk?
And on top of all that, it's a scene rather than a story, just an opening chapter rather than a complete work. It's got a lot of good stuff in it, but you really need to keep going with it, author!
Mike
Why all the "fuck"? When did Wallflower become an expert in the occult? Why does she swear by Odin and Thor's beard and all that? What does it mean to trap a soul? Does Lyra already have something to trap Bon Bon's soul in? What's she going to do with it once she's trapped it? Will she and Bob Bon be able to talk?
And on top of all that, it's a scene rather than a story, just an opening chapter rather than a complete work. It's got a lot of good stuff in it, but you really need to keep going with it, author!
Mike
The Things You Do for Love:
I want to be interested in what is going on, but I get more distracted from wondering how we got to where we are. Not sure why Wallflower is an expert on dark magic, or even how old everyone is in this. I think the last line was an attempt at a laugh, but the story doesn’t really have the tone of a comedy, dark or otherwise, so it doesn’t quite hit. I didn’t really feel sad either as the writing doesn’t push that feeling and is more of an even neutral tone. I feel like I’m reading the beginning of arc number two in Wallflower the Zombie Raiser. There is some formatting elements that can be improved as well as smoother dialogue, though I can’t say I can point out how as those parts of a story also give me trouble. Over all an ok chapter 2, but a little lacking as a stand alone.
I want to be interested in what is going on, but I get more distracted from wondering how we got to where we are. Not sure why Wallflower is an expert on dark magic, or even how old everyone is in this. I think the last line was an attempt at a laugh, but the story doesn’t really have the tone of a comedy, dark or otherwise, so it doesn’t quite hit. I didn’t really feel sad either as the writing doesn’t push that feeling and is more of an even neutral tone. I feel like I’m reading the beginning of arc number two in Wallflower the Zombie Raiser. There is some formatting elements that can be improved as well as smoother dialogue, though I can’t say I can point out how as those parts of a story also give me trouble. Over all an ok chapter 2, but a little lacking as a stand alone.
Genre: High On Bereaving
Thoughts: I hate to say this, but there were a number of things here that ultimately made it hard for me to get into this story. I think that any smaller combination of them would be easier, but right now it’s like a multi-hit combo that’s keeping me air-juggled and draining my health bar faster than it’s charging my limit bar (to borrow a few metaphors).
But before I dive into that list, I think this crosses over from something where I can firmly point at objective “problems” and gets more into the realm where I may not the target audience for the stylistic choices being made here. As I see it, that means my best option is to share what I can about my thoughts and abstain on the story itself. I hope that what I have to share will be useful as a personal opinion without being unduly discouraging.
The one place where I would definitely (and from as objective a viewpoint as I can offer) suggest making a change is around the beginning. Right now there’s rather a lot of beating around the bush before getting to the revelation about Bon Bon’s cancer. I can understand if this reflects a desire for scene-setting. I could also understand if this is being used as a way to convey Bon Bon’s inner turmoil. Nevertheless, right now it feels a bit... belabored? Consider that Bon Bon agreed to come have the conversation in the first place, and has already asked two other people; I have trouble thinking she’d have this much difficulty broaching the subject.
But past that point, we get into things that are much, much more “opinion-y.” Proceed at your own risk.
Right now there are a lot of content and referential decisions that are doing more to jar me out of the story than to develop its setting. For instance, the “Thor” and “Odin” references are surprising and unexplained for the setting. Later, the semi-on-screen bathroom usage strikes me as a distracting choice, and it kind of doesn’t end up adding anything other than to move the characters into the room where the book has been stored (which could just as easily be anywhere else). Similarly, the references to the ex-boyfriend’s proclivities are just like... why? It’s already clear that this is a darker-and-grittier EqG-land, but relatively little of that feels like it ends up mattering to the overall arc. And I mean, the arc ultimately boils down to Lyra talking Wallflower into agreeing to help preserve Bon Bon’s soul beyond death; as >>Baal Bunny noted, we don’t really get to see the resolution of the setup here. I think that could still be made to work, though it would also strike me as more intrinsically satisfying to see them attempt the ritual.
Like I said, most of those elements don’t feel objectively wrong to me, but as-presented right now, they also limit my ability to get into this.
Tier: Abstain
Thoughts: I hate to say this, but there were a number of things here that ultimately made it hard for me to get into this story. I think that any smaller combination of them would be easier, but right now it’s like a multi-hit combo that’s keeping me air-juggled and draining my health bar faster than it’s charging my limit bar (to borrow a few metaphors).
But before I dive into that list, I think this crosses over from something where I can firmly point at objective “problems” and gets more into the realm where I may not the target audience for the stylistic choices being made here. As I see it, that means my best option is to share what I can about my thoughts and abstain on the story itself. I hope that what I have to share will be useful as a personal opinion without being unduly discouraging.
The one place where I would definitely (and from as objective a viewpoint as I can offer) suggest making a change is around the beginning. Right now there’s rather a lot of beating around the bush before getting to the revelation about Bon Bon’s cancer. I can understand if this reflects a desire for scene-setting. I could also understand if this is being used as a way to convey Bon Bon’s inner turmoil. Nevertheless, right now it feels a bit... belabored? Consider that Bon Bon agreed to come have the conversation in the first place, and has already asked two other people; I have trouble thinking she’d have this much difficulty broaching the subject.
But past that point, we get into things that are much, much more “opinion-y.” Proceed at your own risk.
Right now there are a lot of content and referential decisions that are doing more to jar me out of the story than to develop its setting. For instance, the “Thor” and “Odin” references are surprising and unexplained for the setting. Later, the semi-on-screen bathroom usage strikes me as a distracting choice, and it kind of doesn’t end up adding anything other than to move the characters into the room where the book has been stored (which could just as easily be anywhere else). Similarly, the references to the ex-boyfriend’s proclivities are just like... why? It’s already clear that this is a darker-and-grittier EqG-land, but relatively little of that feels like it ends up mattering to the overall arc. And I mean, the arc ultimately boils down to Lyra talking Wallflower into agreeing to help preserve Bon Bon’s soul beyond death; as >>Baal Bunny noted, we don’t really get to see the resolution of the setup here. I think that could still be made to work, though it would also strike me as more intrinsically satisfying to see them attempt the ritual.
Like I said, most of those elements don’t feel objectively wrong to me, but as-presented right now, they also limit my ability to get into this.
Tier: Abstain
Other people have mentioned some of the other problems with this, but ironically the thing that jumped out and hit me over the head was transposing a very specifically American problem, and moreover, an American problem that has only existed for about 30 years, into Equestria. Health insurance is not normal. We Americans think it's normal because we've dealt with it our entire lives but literally every other developed country has single-payer where the government covers illnesses, and even our health insurance back in the 1970's and 80's didn't have shit like copays and deductables.
Equestria is a very, very alien place, where they don't have television, their ruler is immortal, there are marauding monsters, science and magic co-exist, animals need to be taken care of by sapient beings even if they're living in the wild, weather is completely controlled and predictable, and friendship is considered a more powerful force than even love. Oh, and they reform most of their criminals. And a lot of this applies just as much to EqG, which is obviously a kinder, more forgiving place than the modern USA is. There is nothing about this that makes me think they would have health insurance, with co-pays, that some people can't afford.
Would have made more sense to make it liver cancer or something. Something that, even with the best care and frequent checkups, could have been missed.
Equestria is a very, very alien place, where they don't have television, their ruler is immortal, there are marauding monsters, science and magic co-exist, animals need to be taken care of by sapient beings even if they're living in the wild, weather is completely controlled and predictable, and friendship is considered a more powerful force than even love. Oh, and they reform most of their criminals. And a lot of this applies just as much to EqG, which is obviously a kinder, more forgiving place than the modern USA is. There is nothing about this that makes me think they would have health insurance, with co-pays, that some people can't afford.
Would have made more sense to make it liver cancer or something. Something that, even with the best care and frequent checkups, could have been missed.
>>alarajrogers
Bless your heart for thinking the most implausible thing in my story is the American health insurance system. That really makes me happy.
Bless your heart for thinking the most implausible thing in my story is the American health insurance system. That really makes me happy.
>>Baal Bunny
>>thisisalongname
>>CoffeeMinion
>>alarajrogers
Thanks everyone for your input. After sitting on most of it, I've decided to just publish what I have now. I appreciate the feedback, but have applied what I learned mostly to future stories rather than to this one.
Again, thanks for your feedback on Things We Do for Love.
>>thisisalongname
>>CoffeeMinion
>>alarajrogers
Thanks everyone for your input. After sitting on most of it, I've decided to just publish what I have now. I appreciate the feedback, but have applied what I learned mostly to future stories rather than to this one.
Again, thanks for your feedback on Things We Do for Love.