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Ferment
"Wrong!" Dash slammed her mug onto the table, the fruit bowl—apples in it, of course—jumping and rattling. "Everything! Wrong!"
"Uhhh..." AJ blinked, the kitchen behind her shadowy in the not-quite-midnight darkness. "Weren't you just spouting off 'bout how good the cider is this year?"
Now it was Dash's turn to blink. "What? Yeah! I mean, of course! Your cider's always the best!" Leaping into a hover, she grabbed the jug beside the fruit bowl and refilled her mug. "It's everything else that's wrong!"
AJ's arched eyebrow said more than any words ever could, but Dash pretended she didn't hear it. See it. Hear it. Whatever. She just rammed a hoof through the mug's handle and took a double snootful of pure liquid gold.
"Ev'rything?" Apparently AJ hadn't been paying attention to her eyebrow either.
"Fine." Dash set the mug down. "Not everything everything." Her mind drifted back to the ceremony earlier today at Wonderbolt HQ, the party that followed, the after party, the after-after party, and the after-after-after party, her and AJ here in this kitchen at this table with these mugs the way they'd done for so many years. "Being number two in the squad'll be pretty sweet, and having all of you there when Twilight pinned the badge on me?" Warmth spread through her, and not just from the cider. "She's really making a great princess, y'know?"
"Eyup." AJ took a swig from her own mug. "So Twilight being in charge: that's another thing that ain't wrong?"
"What?" Almost waving her hooves in the air, Dash stopped when the weight reminded her that she was still holding her mug. "Of course that's not wrong! That's, like, the whole point! We're the awesomest ponies in the world, so now we're running the place! Nothing wrong with that!"
"Okay." Sitting up, AJ didn't look nearly as relaxed as Dash thought she should. "So us being on the Council and helping Twilight rule Equestria also ain't wrong. Mebbe it's all the marrying that's been going on 'round here's gotcha in a tizzy?"
Dash pursed her lips. "'Tizzy'? Really?"
The pressure of AJ's eyebrow, though, made Dash shrug. "Cheese and Pinkie'll be great, and yes, thinking about Discord and Fluttershy rolling around together might get my stomach turning just a little bit. But hey, I always knew she had the biggest freak flag of any of us, and it's great seeing it fly, y'know?" She managed to twitch her lips into something that felt a little like a smile.
To judge from AJ's face, though, it didn't look much like a smile. "Well, then." AJ leaned forward even further. "Starting to sound like there ain't a lot left to be wrong. We're all just ticking along pretty much same as always. Ain't we?"
"Except..." Dash found herself staring at the fruit bowl. "Sometimes you find an apple sitting out in the orchard and it looks all big and juicy and you reach for it and it turns out it's all...all mushy and brown inside." She didn't want to look at the apples anymore, didn't want to smell the cider she'd splashed on the table getting warm and sour anymore, didn't want to feel all hollow and awful and alone anymore. "How do we know everything isn't that?" she whispered.
Something warm touched her hoof. "'Cause we don't let it be that." The quiet strength of AJ's voice raised Dash's head, and the light of her eyes held Dash's gaze. "We keep sharp, grab all the apples we can, and insteada letting 'em rot the way nature wants, we make 'em rot the way we want. With sugar and yeast and a little squeezing, we turn 'em into cider." She patted Dash's fetlock. "And we's both had a spoonful too mucha that tonight, ain't we?"
Dash found herself nodding but kept focused on AJ, didn't want to focus on anything else the rest of her life.
"So." AJ leaned back. "Since you ain't fit to fly, we'll pour you into a guest room and—"
"Could I—?" Her throat dry, Dash shoved the words out anyway. "Maybe I could stay in your room...with you...tonight?"
"Well, now." Her smile spreading slow, AJ reached up and pushed her hat back. "Reckon that'd make ev'rything all right, Sugar cube?"
No words left, Dash just nodded again.
Standing, AJ swayed a little, walked around the table—
And her smile touching Dash's tasted sweet as cider.
"Uhhh..." AJ blinked, the kitchen behind her shadowy in the not-quite-midnight darkness. "Weren't you just spouting off 'bout how good the cider is this year?"
Now it was Dash's turn to blink. "What? Yeah! I mean, of course! Your cider's always the best!" Leaping into a hover, she grabbed the jug beside the fruit bowl and refilled her mug. "It's everything else that's wrong!"
AJ's arched eyebrow said more than any words ever could, but Dash pretended she didn't hear it. See it. Hear it. Whatever. She just rammed a hoof through the mug's handle and took a double snootful of pure liquid gold.
"Ev'rything?" Apparently AJ hadn't been paying attention to her eyebrow either.
"Fine." Dash set the mug down. "Not everything everything." Her mind drifted back to the ceremony earlier today at Wonderbolt HQ, the party that followed, the after party, the after-after party, and the after-after-after party, her and AJ here in this kitchen at this table with these mugs the way they'd done for so many years. "Being number two in the squad'll be pretty sweet, and having all of you there when Twilight pinned the badge on me?" Warmth spread through her, and not just from the cider. "She's really making a great princess, y'know?"
"Eyup." AJ took a swig from her own mug. "So Twilight being in charge: that's another thing that ain't wrong?"
"What?" Almost waving her hooves in the air, Dash stopped when the weight reminded her that she was still holding her mug. "Of course that's not wrong! That's, like, the whole point! We're the awesomest ponies in the world, so now we're running the place! Nothing wrong with that!"
"Okay." Sitting up, AJ didn't look nearly as relaxed as Dash thought she should. "So us being on the Council and helping Twilight rule Equestria also ain't wrong. Mebbe it's all the marrying that's been going on 'round here's gotcha in a tizzy?"
Dash pursed her lips. "'Tizzy'? Really?"
The pressure of AJ's eyebrow, though, made Dash shrug. "Cheese and Pinkie'll be great, and yes, thinking about Discord and Fluttershy rolling around together might get my stomach turning just a little bit. But hey, I always knew she had the biggest freak flag of any of us, and it's great seeing it fly, y'know?" She managed to twitch her lips into something that felt a little like a smile.
To judge from AJ's face, though, it didn't look much like a smile. "Well, then." AJ leaned forward even further. "Starting to sound like there ain't a lot left to be wrong. We're all just ticking along pretty much same as always. Ain't we?"
"Except..." Dash found herself staring at the fruit bowl. "Sometimes you find an apple sitting out in the orchard and it looks all big and juicy and you reach for it and it turns out it's all...all mushy and brown inside." She didn't want to look at the apples anymore, didn't want to smell the cider she'd splashed on the table getting warm and sour anymore, didn't want to feel all hollow and awful and alone anymore. "How do we know everything isn't that?" she whispered.
Something warm touched her hoof. "'Cause we don't let it be that." The quiet strength of AJ's voice raised Dash's head, and the light of her eyes held Dash's gaze. "We keep sharp, grab all the apples we can, and insteada letting 'em rot the way nature wants, we make 'em rot the way we want. With sugar and yeast and a little squeezing, we turn 'em into cider." She patted Dash's fetlock. "And we's both had a spoonful too mucha that tonight, ain't we?"
Dash found herself nodding but kept focused on AJ, didn't want to focus on anything else the rest of her life.
"So." AJ leaned back. "Since you ain't fit to fly, we'll pour you into a guest room and—"
"Could I—?" Her throat dry, Dash shoved the words out anyway. "Maybe I could stay in your room...with you...tonight?"
"Well, now." Her smile spreading slow, AJ reached up and pushed her hat back. "Reckon that'd make ev'rything all right, Sugar cube?"
No words left, Dash just nodded again.
Standing, AJ swayed a little, walked around the table—
And her smile touching Dash's tasted sweet as cider.
Best guess: AppleDash for sake of AppleDash.
It's never exactly explained what Dash is on about, nor if overnighting with Applejack (with whom nothing other than sleep is intimated, I remind you!) will remedy it in the short or long term. There's a solid hook with Dash's angst and longing, but it isn't resolved in a meaningful way yet.
I have difficulty buying this as something Applejack would actually say:
But hey, I always knew she had the biggest freak flag of any of us, and it's great seeing it fly, y'know
The last line is unclear, Applejack's smile touching Dash's (smile)... i.e., they kiss? If so, that's a very odd way of describing it, and seems a stretch for Applejack at least.
I did like this in particular: 'we'll pour you into a guest room'
It's never exactly explained what Dash is on about, nor if overnighting with Applejack (with whom nothing other than sleep is intimated, I remind you!) will remedy it in the short or long term. There's a solid hook with Dash's angst and longing, but it isn't resolved in a meaningful way yet.
I have difficulty buying this as something Applejack would actually say:
But hey, I always knew she had the biggest freak flag of any of us, and it's great seeing it fly, y'know
The last line is unclear, Applejack's smile touching Dash's (smile)... i.e., they kiss? If so, that's a very odd way of describing it, and seems a stretch for Applejack at least.
I did like this in particular: 'we'll pour you into a guest room'
The hook here is really excellent; it grabs my attention and segues very nicely towards the central conflict. Overall, I really like this one. Your voicing is strong, and the overall payoff (while small-scale) feels good for the amount of time that we spend with our characters.
I do have to note, though, that there's about a 200 word stretch in the first 1/3 where not much happens. Dash beats around the bush a little, and while that's totally in-line with her character, it does take away a little bit of the steam that you've built up with the opening hook. It'd be a very small change, but trimming a sentence or two away here and there might really help streamline this area of the reading experience.
Another thing I'll have to note is that while the show does practically canonize AppleDash, I was still caught a little off-guard by the romantic notes at the end. To me, things felt pretty platonic until that one moment, and it made the exchange feel a little less significant than it should have.
But don't get the wrong idea from my nitpicks. Overall, I think this is still one of my favorite entries this round. Thanks for submitting!
>>KwirkyJ
I think this was supposed to be Dash talking. But yeah, I was also a bit confused by this line until I re-read the paragraph, since from the paragraph break and the fact that the first sentence starts with "AJ", I automatically assumed that this was Applejack talking.
I do have to note, though, that there's about a 200 word stretch in the first 1/3 where not much happens. Dash beats around the bush a little, and while that's totally in-line with her character, it does take away a little bit of the steam that you've built up with the opening hook. It'd be a very small change, but trimming a sentence or two away here and there might really help streamline this area of the reading experience.
Another thing I'll have to note is that while the show does practically canonize AppleDash, I was still caught a little off-guard by the romantic notes at the end. To me, things felt pretty platonic until that one moment, and it made the exchange feel a little less significant than it should have.
But don't get the wrong idea from my nitpicks. Overall, I think this is still one of my favorite entries this round. Thanks for submitting!
>>KwirkyJ
I have difficulty buying this as something Applejack would actually say:
But hey, I always knew she had the biggest freak flag of any of us, and it's great seeing it fly, y'know
I think this was supposed to be Dash talking. But yeah, I was also a bit confused by this line until I re-read the paragraph, since from the paragraph break and the fact that the first sentence starts with "AJ", I automatically assumed that this was Applejack talking.
>>Bachiavellian
Quite right you are. My mistake came from the paragraph splitting making Applejack the next logical speaker, and the "AJ" leading things off further lead me down that path. Upon review, it's more clear (especially from the speech patterns) that this is Dash speaking again. I'm still not fully sold on "freak flag", but I suppose that's within the bounds of artistic license.
I think this was supposed to be Dash talking. But yeah, I was also a bit confused by this line until I re-read the paragraph, since from the paragraph break and the fact that the first sentence starts with "AJ", I automatically assumed that this was Applejack talking.
Quite right you are. My mistake came from the paragraph splitting making Applejack the next logical speaker, and the "AJ" leading things off further lead me down that path. Upon review, it's more clear (especially from the speech patterns) that this is Dash speaking again. I'm still not fully sold on "freak flag", but I suppose that's within the bounds of artistic license.
The fact that everything Applejack brings up is not part of what Dash thinks is within the "everything" that is "wrong" is a problem. I mean, yes, drunk people act like this sometimes, but in a minific where you don't have the advantage of earlier or later story to show us what she's reacting to, it feels like there's no there there. I find it hard to believe Dash would consider "everything" to be wrong when in fact most things are quite cool.
On the other hand, Applejack's reactions were just about perfect. So I think maybe this story would work better if we got some hint as to exactly what Dash is afraid of or what she thinks is going wrong.
On the other hand, Applejack's reactions were just about perfect. So I think maybe this story would work better if we got some hint as to exactly what Dash is afraid of or what she thinks is going wrong.
Rainbow Dash dealing with negative thoughts and feelings and lesbians, all in one story? Author, it's like you made this story just for me! I'm definitely biased because this story checks two of my boxes, but I really really like this story. I think the characterizations are great, I love the interactions between Rainbow and Applejack, and that ending really set off those butterflies in my stomach.
This story isn't perfect, but I still love it. Definitely my number one.
This story isn't perfect, but I still love it. Definitely my number one.
>>KwirkyJ
>>Bachiavellian
>>alarajrogers
>>wishcometrue
Thanks for the comments, folks:
And congrats to our medalists!
As for this one, as soon as I saw the prompt, I knew I'd hafta do a story about the controlled rot of fermentation. Which meant cider, AJ, and Dash. And considering how we see them in the series finale, I figured I'd do a little dialogue scene covering the moment when they first get together. I'll hafta make it longer for posting on FimFiction, but that'll give me a chance to make Dash's inner turmoil more explicit and to set up the romance angle more strongly.
Thanks again!
Mike
>>Bachiavellian
>>alarajrogers
>>wishcometrue
Thanks for the comments, folks:
And congrats to our medalists!
As for this one, as soon as I saw the prompt, I knew I'd hafta do a story about the controlled rot of fermentation. Which meant cider, AJ, and Dash. And considering how we see them in the series finale, I figured I'd do a little dialogue scene covering the moment when they first get together. I'll hafta make it longer for posting on FimFiction, but that'll give me a chance to make Dash's inner turmoil more explicit and to set up the romance angle more strongly.
Thanks again!
Mike