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The Twilight Zone style opening and closing:
Are fun, but that whole thing's kind of a cliche at this point, and all I can see it doing is telling the reader in literally italicized letters, "Something weird is gonna happen in this story!" You actually do something a lot more interesting near the end of the story, author, when you pop us into the POV of the cigarette Polly's been smoking, and I instantly found myself wishing you'd done all the way through. Since her taking up cigarette smoking again is one of the signs that something's gone wrong, telling the whole series of events through the "eyes" of her cigarettes would really make the story stand out.
And yes, there's also lots and lots and lots of typos and peculiarities of grammar and language that need fixing. But mostly, I'd recommend trying to do something with the cigarette thing. :)
Mike
Are fun, but that whole thing's kind of a cliche at this point, and all I can see it doing is telling the reader in literally italicized letters, "Something weird is gonna happen in this story!" You actually do something a lot more interesting near the end of the story, author, when you pop us into the POV of the cigarette Polly's been smoking, and I instantly found myself wishing you'd done all the way through. Since her taking up cigarette smoking again is one of the signs that something's gone wrong, telling the whole series of events through the "eyes" of her cigarettes would really make the story stand out.
And yes, there's also lots and lots and lots of typos and peculiarities of grammar and language that need fixing. But mostly, I'd recommend trying to do something with the cigarette thing. :)
Mike
Bit of an odd one this. I like a lot of the prose in the opening; it's a little purple, but in a way that I'm a bit of a sucker for so it all works out nicely.
The ending is fun, but feels a bit rushed maybe? The demon being an actual thing and being summoned to the demon being destroyed happens in relatively few words, given it's sort of the point of the story.
The ending is fun, but feels a bit rushed maybe? The demon being an actual thing and being summoned to the demon being destroyed happens in relatively few words, given it's sort of the point of the story.
This is a strange story. Then again, I find all the stories this round to be strange in their own little ways. So, Strange Story #1 On My Reviewing List, basically.
My first read of this was a bit of a skim. Mostly to savor the sense of where it's progressing towards before I really dive into the meat and relish in its texture and accompanying flavors. Suffice to say, I was pretty much skipping ahead starting from the paragraphs following the first scene break. I had chalked it up to being impatient then and thought maybe my experience would improve with my subsequent reads.
Yeah, uh, sorry, it did not.
Before I get to the story, I just want to regurgitate my thoughts about the opener and closer a bit. They seem to frame the story somewhat, making it seem as if this entry belongs in a greater anthology of similarly supernatural stories, which is funny considering every other entry on this list. As it is right now, it's rather awkwardly slotted in. In fact, on some of my reads, it does come off to me as a last-minute sloppy edit done right before the deadline.
Personally, I actually quite liked the voicing of the narrator captured in the opener and I had been hoping the story would utilize that to its advantage, cheesy and cliche as it may be. It does have the potential effect of making the story more inaccessible for some, but for me, I believe it would add the little bit of heart and character that this story sorely needed. I think it's a missed opportunity to not push this particular concept further, honestly.
Okay, now for everything else.
The story is okay. If I look at it on its own as a plot summary posted on Wikipedia, it's definitely something I can enjoy, albeit not something I'll come back to. It may be cliche for some, sure, but hey, if it works, it works. If it manages to be compelling, then it did what it set out to do, haters notwithstanding.
Which is where this story starts to falter for me. The little details.
The problem for me really begins with Polly as a character and the underlying motivation pushing the story onward. Her curiosity is the driving motivation for this story, though there is no clear reason as to why she was curious in the first place other than the stated reason of 'it's part of her character'. And even if we take that into account, there's nothing really driving that curiosity specifically to home in towards this particular couple. If I were to be extremely forgiving, I can kinda fathom the reason behind why Polly would be so fixated on the Terrapons. What I can't fathom is why not anybody else? If her curiosity is potent enough that, to paraphrase, it could kill, what's stopping this curiosity from going all Freddy Krueger throughout the whole neighbourhood?
Besides her curiosity, Polly has some other potentially-interesting characteristics as well. I say potentially-interesting because I think they weren't really used to their full effect, which is really my next big issue: the lack of relevancy of Polly's other characteristics with regards to the story. There are honestly some threads to Polly as a character that did a bit to breathe some life into her. Her being a wife, her being a mother, the garden she was tending to, her tendency to smoke. I'm sure there are some others as well. I just don't know why they're being highlighted throughout the story as it progresses. They don't really contribute anything to my experience of the story other than hinder it.
Which leads me into my next and biggest problem with the story: the pacing, which alone arose from a multitude of issues. There's a lot of unnecessary fat in this story, especially in the paragraphs past the scene break up to the point where Polly fell down the hole, which is a really big part of the story. The scenes were meandering, which is funny considering a lot is actually happening in those particular moments. I think with the way it's written, it comes off like a stream-of-consciousness that we shouldn't really pay attention towards, which I don't think was what's being demanded of the readers at that point. Tonally as well, it's a bit nondescript if not dissonant, as the whole story leans a bit too heavy on the 'telling' side of the spectrum. There's no attempt on making it mysterious or dreadful or tragic or even comedic, it's only a flatline.
It's sad because all those paragraphs are not filler, I know it isn't, but with the way it was mishandled, it does definitely come off as filler on my first read to me.
Again, at its core, I don't hate this story, which is always a good thing, but I honestly can't say I like this entry as a whole. I do commend the effort that was placed. Just wished a little more effort is placed into taking the next step and making it really shine.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
My first read of this was a bit of a skim. Mostly to savor the sense of where it's progressing towards before I really dive into the meat and relish in its texture and accompanying flavors. Suffice to say, I was pretty much skipping ahead starting from the paragraphs following the first scene break. I had chalked it up to being impatient then and thought maybe my experience would improve with my subsequent reads.
Yeah, uh, sorry, it did not.
Before I get to the story, I just want to regurgitate my thoughts about the opener and closer a bit. They seem to frame the story somewhat, making it seem as if this entry belongs in a greater anthology of similarly supernatural stories, which is funny considering every other entry on this list. As it is right now, it's rather awkwardly slotted in. In fact, on some of my reads, it does come off to me as a last-minute sloppy edit done right before the deadline.
Personally, I actually quite liked the voicing of the narrator captured in the opener and I had been hoping the story would utilize that to its advantage, cheesy and cliche as it may be. It does have the potential effect of making the story more inaccessible for some, but for me, I believe it would add the little bit of heart and character that this story sorely needed. I think it's a missed opportunity to not push this particular concept further, honestly.
Okay, now for everything else.
The story is okay. If I look at it on its own as a plot summary posted on Wikipedia, it's definitely something I can enjoy, albeit not something I'll come back to. It may be cliche for some, sure, but hey, if it works, it works. If it manages to be compelling, then it did what it set out to do, haters notwithstanding.
Which is where this story starts to falter for me. The little details.
The problem for me really begins with Polly as a character and the underlying motivation pushing the story onward. Her curiosity is the driving motivation for this story, though there is no clear reason as to why she was curious in the first place other than the stated reason of 'it's part of her character'. And even if we take that into account, there's nothing really driving that curiosity specifically to home in towards this particular couple. If I were to be extremely forgiving, I can kinda fathom the reason behind why Polly would be so fixated on the Terrapons. What I can't fathom is why not anybody else? If her curiosity is potent enough that, to paraphrase, it could kill, what's stopping this curiosity from going all Freddy Krueger throughout the whole neighbourhood?
Besides her curiosity, Polly has some other potentially-interesting characteristics as well. I say potentially-interesting because I think they weren't really used to their full effect, which is really my next big issue: the lack of relevancy of Polly's other characteristics with regards to the story. There are honestly some threads to Polly as a character that did a bit to breathe some life into her. Her being a wife, her being a mother, the garden she was tending to, her tendency to smoke. I'm sure there are some others as well. I just don't know why they're being highlighted throughout the story as it progresses. They don't really contribute anything to my experience of the story other than hinder it.
Which leads me into my next and biggest problem with the story: the pacing, which alone arose from a multitude of issues. There's a lot of unnecessary fat in this story, especially in the paragraphs past the scene break up to the point where Polly fell down the hole, which is a really big part of the story. The scenes were meandering, which is funny considering a lot is actually happening in those particular moments. I think with the way it's written, it comes off like a stream-of-consciousness that we shouldn't really pay attention towards, which I don't think was what's being demanded of the readers at that point. Tonally as well, it's a bit nondescript if not dissonant, as the whole story leans a bit too heavy on the 'telling' side of the spectrum. There's no attempt on making it mysterious or dreadful or tragic or even comedic, it's only a flatline.
It's sad because all those paragraphs are not filler, I know it isn't, but with the way it was mishandled, it does definitely come off as filler on my first read to me.
Again, at its core, I don't hate this story, which is always a good thing, but I honestly can't say I like this entry as a whole. I do commend the effort that was placed. Just wished a little more effort is placed into taking the next step and making it really shine.
Thanks for writing, and good luck!
Alternate Title: The Smoking Woman
Two things I liked:
1. For the most part, the pacing is fairly tight. There's a constant sense of intrigue that I was getting, which made me made invested in the story than if, say, it wasn't so consistently written as foreboding. There is a great deal of mystery and suspense here, even though we're basically told from the outset that the neighbors are up to something shady.
2. Polly is one of the better-developed protagonists this round, and we get some insight into her habits and mindset. The fact that she started smoking again comes into play at the climax, which I like; it's a rare instance of a character's personality quirk actually having an effect on the plot. I also like how we almost never leave her perspective, so that we get wrapped up in the mystery just as she does.
Two things I didn't like:
1. Not a fan of the prose. Part of this is due to the number of typos, which could fill a dump truck with how many there are. But more importantly there's something about the syntax here that often rubs me the wrong way. There are a lot of turns of phrase which sound unnatural to the native English ear, at least in my opinion, and sometimes these phrasings go so far as to mess with the pacing. Revision of prose highly recommended.
2. The opening and ending sections seem like discount Twilight Zone, and I swear there's a entry every other round that uses a framing device reminiscent of that series. The framing is cliched at this point, and I didn't really get anything out of it. Thankfully there's not much work needed in order to correct this.
Verdict: A decent story with decent pacing, but desperately needs refinement in the prose department.
Two things I liked:
1. For the most part, the pacing is fairly tight. There's a constant sense of intrigue that I was getting, which made me made invested in the story than if, say, it wasn't so consistently written as foreboding. There is a great deal of mystery and suspense here, even though we're basically told from the outset that the neighbors are up to something shady.
2. Polly is one of the better-developed protagonists this round, and we get some insight into her habits and mindset. The fact that she started smoking again comes into play at the climax, which I like; it's a rare instance of a character's personality quirk actually having an effect on the plot. I also like how we almost never leave her perspective, so that we get wrapped up in the mystery just as she does.
Two things I didn't like:
1. Not a fan of the prose. Part of this is due to the number of typos, which could fill a dump truck with how many there are. But more importantly there's something about the syntax here that often rubs me the wrong way. There are a lot of turns of phrase which sound unnatural to the native English ear, at least in my opinion, and sometimes these phrasings go so far as to mess with the pacing. Revision of prose highly recommended.
2. The opening and ending sections seem like discount Twilight Zone, and I swear there's a entry every other round that uses a framing device reminiscent of that series. The framing is cliched at this point, and I didn't really get anything out of it. Thankfully there's not much work needed in order to correct this.
Verdict: A decent story with decent pacing, but desperately needs refinement in the prose department.
Well little to add to what the others already said. I can’t blame you for the prose: I did worse. But it still makes your story a bit difficult to follow at times, it gave me pause, and that’s pretty bad when it happens too often.
As for the story. Argh. Sounds somewhat Lovecraftian to me. Not that it is wrong per se, but if you choose the same way as the master, you’ll have to be pretty good to be able to pull out anything truly original. You deliberately set the bar very high, and I’m not sure your story passed it.
As for the story. Argh. Sounds somewhat Lovecraftian to me. Not that it is wrong per se, but if you choose the same way as the master, you’ll have to be pretty good to be able to pull out anything truly original. You deliberately set the bar very high, and I’m not sure your story passed it.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that this entry was a rush-job. Well, most writeoff entries are—especially this round, but there are quite a few grammar-speedbumps throughout the story, and the pacing towards the end is lightning-quick—so quick I'm not confident I could explain what happened—and those two issues point to rushing.
Yet there are full sentences and paragraphs that are just fine and are, in fact, quite good. And, I just... Man. Author, I wish this wasn't rushed, because under the technical issues and the pacing problems I see a really good story here, written by someone who knows what they're doing. Polly is a great, well-rounded character, and although the rest of the cast could use some work to make them more interesting and/or more involved in the plot, and the plot itself could use some tightening up to make us more interested, I like her. And in fact, I disagree with Spirit calling her motivations thin.
To go into a little more detail:
There's so much great stuff happening in this paragraph. It's showy, you big showoff, and it's a perfect example of applying a character's fatal flaw to the third-person narration, which I see done wrong a lot. The fall back to the cigarettes is an excellent way to show her blood pressure is rising without telling us Her blood pressure started to rise. This passage is fast, and punchy, and I wish there was more like it.
Because there are other points where you're betraying me here:
Yes, I can see she just avoided the question.
Yeah, I know it's odd! You don't need to tell me that stuff. It's shown right there in the text.
Anyways. My point is that when I see brilliant stuff scattered with a bunch of mistakes, I don't really know what to think. But either way, there's some real talent on display here. And I don't know if the rushing is holding it back, or something else.
Either way, thanks for writing and good luck friend. :)
Yet there are full sentences and paragraphs that are just fine and are, in fact, quite good. And, I just... Man. Author, I wish this wasn't rushed, because under the technical issues and the pacing problems I see a really good story here, written by someone who knows what they're doing. Polly is a great, well-rounded character, and although the rest of the cast could use some work to make them more interesting and/or more involved in the plot, and the plot itself could use some tightening up to make us more interested, I like her. And in fact, I disagree with Spirit calling her motivations thin.
To go into a little more detail:
Polly fumed where she stood. She couldn’t believe the work they went through just for their own vanity. What’s next, they create an entire botanical garden in their backyard? Snatching up a pack of cigarettes from a spot behind the stove, she pondered the next five years of life.
There's so much great stuff happening in this paragraph. It's showy, you big showoff, and it's a perfect example of applying a character's fatal flaw to the third-person narration, which I see done wrong a lot. The fall back to the cigarettes is an excellent way to show her blood pressure is rising without telling us Her blood pressure started to rise. This passage is fast, and punchy, and I wish there was more like it.
Because there are other points where you're betraying me here:
“Just.. I mean look at them!” Polly avoided the question.
Yes, I can see she just avoided the question.
“...You’re ready, right?”
“Have been for a few weeks now, dear. The lawn is ready for the procession and the stone is cut and acceptable.”
That was odd.
Yeah, I know it's odd! You don't need to tell me that stuff. It's shown right there in the text.
Anyways. My point is that when I see brilliant stuff scattered with a bunch of mistakes, I don't really know what to think. But either way, there's some real talent on display here. And I don't know if the rushing is holding it back, or something else.
Either way, thanks for writing and good luck friend. :)
>>Baal Bunny
>>Meridian_Prime
>>WritingSpirit
>>No_Raisin
>>Monokeras
>>Miller Minus
Thank you guys so much for the reviews! I’m a very slow writer so this took the whole three days. I almost abandoned it, like I do for most of my projects, but I’m glad I stuck through with it. Also, commas and spelling words right is not my strong suit. Bare with me. ;;;;)
I didn’t think that The Twilight Zone was a cliche until about an hour ago when I went back to read random stories and I fell upon Mono’s haunted jacket one. Hadn’t run into one in all the stories I’ve gone back to read all this time and then this. Huh.
I’m still working on show not tell, that’s really hard for me to grasp, but I’m glad I got some of it right!
Side note— no, I was not in cahoots with Baal. Apparently we were both feeling that “Polly” feeling that day.
The pacing was definitely the worst part. I wanted the first three days to be half the story and then the last half be the night she breaks in. I needed another couple days to fit that in and another day for one of the very generous editors to look over my story.
Thanks again! Over this past year I’ve seen all.... three? Four? Of my stories are slowly improving. Largely thanks to you guys. See you in two weeks, losers.
>>Meridian_Prime
>>WritingSpirit
>>No_Raisin
>>Monokeras
>>Miller Minus
Thank you guys so much for the reviews! I’m a very slow writer so this took the whole three days. I almost abandoned it, like I do for most of my projects, but I’m glad I stuck through with it. Also, commas and spelling words right is not my strong suit. Bare with me. ;;;;)
I didn’t think that The Twilight Zone was a cliche until about an hour ago when I went back to read random stories and I fell upon Mono’s haunted jacket one. Hadn’t run into one in all the stories I’ve gone back to read all this time and then this. Huh.
I’m still working on show not tell, that’s really hard for me to grasp, but I’m glad I got some of it right!
Side note— no, I was not in cahoots with Baal. Apparently we were both feeling that “Polly” feeling that day.
The pacing was definitely the worst part. I wanted the first three days to be half the story and then the last half be the night she breaks in. I needed another couple days to fit that in and another day for one of the very generous editors to look over my story.
Thanks again! Over this past year I’ve seen all.... three? Four? Of my stories are slowly improving. Largely thanks to you guys. See you in two weeks, losers.