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Homecoming
“Alright, deep breath,” Powder Brush told herself, pausing to calm her nerves.
She took a small mirror out of her makeup kit, looked herself in the eye. Relax, everything will be okay. She’s your sister, after all. Big smiles, now! She grinned brightly into the mirror.
She thought further: Oh, right; she’s your sister, then stopped grinning with a shudder. Her sister was terrifying, but she loved her family, despite their uncompromising lifestyle.
There’s no way they’d even recognize me. She examined her brown mane, ran a hoof down her cream-colored flank, where she’d donned the cutie mark of a powder brush to fit her name.
Powder smiled sadly. I better change before...well, you know. Yikes, not looking forward to this.
She held the mirror at foreleg’s length. After ten years in this body, she’d nearly forgotten how her old body appeared. She tried to put a clear picture of her twin sister into her head for reference. When she was fairly certain she had it, she shut her eyes and clenched her teeth.
There was a green flash and a tingling sensation.
Haven’t tried that in a while, she thought grimly. She waited, breath held in her chest, then slowly opened one eye at a time. She shivered. Her forelegs were black, chitinous, and covered with holes. Steady, she breathed. It’s only for a little while.
Through the tiny mirror she inspected the rest of her transformation. Just like Sis, she thought with a mix of warmth and a twinge of regret—a salt-sweet flavor that reminded her of saltwater candy. She flattened her expression. Except for the smile, perhaps.
Shaking herself, she faced the entrance to the hive. It was grim, and bore down upon her like it wanted to swallow her whole. She could hear chittering and hissing from deep within, thousands of drones and workers.
This place still looks creepy as ever, she thought. Despite its blatant aversion towards neighbors, it was still unmistakably, yet distantly, home.
Residual doubts hung in the corners of her mind.
Will they still listen to me? Does she command them completely?
Will she listen to me? Being her sister should count for something, right?
She forced herself to ignore those thoughts. There were bigger things at stake than herself.
There was nothing else for it. In she went.
Powder was surprised at first. There was a changeling feast celebrating her return, rare even while she reigned as princess. Though, as Powder and her sister spoke, she couldn’t shake the feeling that the whole show was a tactful political facade. Chrysalis knew how to put on a good mask as well as Powder.
“Many of our subjects were split up or lost in that ill-fated raid on Saddle Arabia,” Chrysalis said coolly. “It took months for me to bring them back to the hive on my own.”
“I wish I could have helped you,” replied Powder soberly.
Chrysalis made a grin that was toxified by her fangs. “I was convinced that you were lost to us, Carapace.”
Carapace. Powder cringed at that name, but hid it beneath a weak grin. She was still looking for the right time to say what she needed to say.
Instead, she eventually replied, “I’m grateful for the feast.”
She wasn’t. Changeling feasts were abhorrent rituals where the hive absorbed nourishment from their Queen, worshiping her as a life-giving god. Not given freely as love was truly intended, but as a sinister bargain. Not as she had experienced among ponies, when they had sheltered her and tirelessly tended her wounds. Changelings never knew love like that.
“There is something we need to discuss,” she said, sighing heavily.
“You have my ear,” replied Chrysalis.
“It’s about the future of this hive. We are deteriorating, dying under an old regime.”
“Oh?” It was a stiff, unflavored reply.
“I've discovered new ways to sustain us. Please, for the sake of our hive, hear me.”
Powder felt her sister’s eyes on her, imagined for a moment that she was looking at a reflection of herself that begged: “Please, don’t do what you’re about to do.”
But she did anyway.
The hive’s chittering ceased. All the thousands of turquoise eyes in the room turned to the brown-maned pony sitting beside the Queen.
Powder felt her love flow freely into Chrysalis. She felt nothing in return, but she continued.
Chrysalis shook her head. There was no remorse or passion. Only disappointment.
“Oh, sister,” she said, “I’d forgotten why I loathed your presence.”
She took a small mirror out of her makeup kit, looked herself in the eye. Relax, everything will be okay. She’s your sister, after all. Big smiles, now! She grinned brightly into the mirror.
She thought further: Oh, right; she’s your sister, then stopped grinning with a shudder. Her sister was terrifying, but she loved her family, despite their uncompromising lifestyle.
There’s no way they’d even recognize me. She examined her brown mane, ran a hoof down her cream-colored flank, where she’d donned the cutie mark of a powder brush to fit her name.
Powder smiled sadly. I better change before...well, you know. Yikes, not looking forward to this.
She held the mirror at foreleg’s length. After ten years in this body, she’d nearly forgotten how her old body appeared. She tried to put a clear picture of her twin sister into her head for reference. When she was fairly certain she had it, she shut her eyes and clenched her teeth.
There was a green flash and a tingling sensation.
Haven’t tried that in a while, she thought grimly. She waited, breath held in her chest, then slowly opened one eye at a time. She shivered. Her forelegs were black, chitinous, and covered with holes. Steady, she breathed. It’s only for a little while.
Through the tiny mirror she inspected the rest of her transformation. Just like Sis, she thought with a mix of warmth and a twinge of regret—a salt-sweet flavor that reminded her of saltwater candy. She flattened her expression. Except for the smile, perhaps.
Shaking herself, she faced the entrance to the hive. It was grim, and bore down upon her like it wanted to swallow her whole. She could hear chittering and hissing from deep within, thousands of drones and workers.
This place still looks creepy as ever, she thought. Despite its blatant aversion towards neighbors, it was still unmistakably, yet distantly, home.
Residual doubts hung in the corners of her mind.
Will they still listen to me? Does she command them completely?
Will she listen to me? Being her sister should count for something, right?
She forced herself to ignore those thoughts. There were bigger things at stake than herself.
There was nothing else for it. In she went.
***
Powder was surprised at first. There was a changeling feast celebrating her return, rare even while she reigned as princess. Though, as Powder and her sister spoke, she couldn’t shake the feeling that the whole show was a tactful political facade. Chrysalis knew how to put on a good mask as well as Powder.
“Many of our subjects were split up or lost in that ill-fated raid on Saddle Arabia,” Chrysalis said coolly. “It took months for me to bring them back to the hive on my own.”
“I wish I could have helped you,” replied Powder soberly.
Chrysalis made a grin that was toxified by her fangs. “I was convinced that you were lost to us, Carapace.”
Carapace. Powder cringed at that name, but hid it beneath a weak grin. She was still looking for the right time to say what she needed to say.
Instead, she eventually replied, “I’m grateful for the feast.”
She wasn’t. Changeling feasts were abhorrent rituals where the hive absorbed nourishment from their Queen, worshiping her as a life-giving god. Not given freely as love was truly intended, but as a sinister bargain. Not as she had experienced among ponies, when they had sheltered her and tirelessly tended her wounds. Changelings never knew love like that.
“There is something we need to discuss,” she said, sighing heavily.
“You have my ear,” replied Chrysalis.
“It’s about the future of this hive. We are deteriorating, dying under an old regime.”
“Oh?” It was a stiff, unflavored reply.
“I've discovered new ways to sustain us. Please, for the sake of our hive, hear me.”
Powder felt her sister’s eyes on her, imagined for a moment that she was looking at a reflection of herself that begged: “Please, don’t do what you’re about to do.”
But she did anyway.
The hive’s chittering ceased. All the thousands of turquoise eyes in the room turned to the brown-maned pony sitting beside the Queen.
Powder felt her love flow freely into Chrysalis. She felt nothing in return, but she continued.
Chrysalis shook her head. There was no remorse or passion. Only disappointment.
“Oh, sister,” she said, “I’d forgotten why I loathed your presence.”
Rather creepy, and Carapace certainly acts as a bright mirror to good ol' Chryssy - but I think the word limit hampers this a bit. It stops juuust before it could get interesting, and we're not given enough of our protaganist to quite feel the dread I think we're supposed to.
The prose is strong, and the idea interesting, but it just didn't feel like it had enough room to breathe here.
Still, good luck in the voting!
The prose is strong, and the idea interesting, but it just didn't feel like it had enough room to breathe here.
Still, good luck in the voting!
I can't quite mesh our protagonist's backstory with her motivations here. Based on my reading, she abandoned the hive long ago to live as a pony (or maybe she was lost, but she still didn't seem too eager to come back). And now she's come back to visit, putting herself through a lot of discomfort in the process.
It just seems weird that she would be invested in helping the hive after leaving it. But even if it's out of plain old love, why does she think she has any pull in the changeling world? Sister of the queen or no, she's been gone ten years, and coming home and talking like she knows what to do... It would just never work.
I really like the premise, and Powder Brush was certainly growing on me as the story went on. I just wish she were going about this a little smarter, especially considering who she's up against. That, and I agree with >>Meridian_Prime that the story ends just as it gets going.
I think part of that has to do with your intro. Before we even really know what the conflict is, we spend over half the wordcount getting to know our protagonist. I get what you're trying to do, but honestly? The second half of the story was when I felt I was getting to know her.
But that's all from me. Best of luck to you, and as always thanks for submitting!
It just seems weird that she would be invested in helping the hive after leaving it. But even if it's out of plain old love, why does she think she has any pull in the changeling world? Sister of the queen or no, she's been gone ten years, and coming home and talking like she knows what to do... It would just never work.
I really like the premise, and Powder Brush was certainly growing on me as the story went on. I just wish she were going about this a little smarter, especially considering who she's up against. That, and I agree with >>Meridian_Prime that the story ends just as it gets going.
I think part of that has to do with your intro. Before we even really know what the conflict is, we spend over half the wordcount getting to know our protagonist. I get what you're trying to do, but honestly? The second half of the story was when I felt I was getting to know her.
But that's all from me. Best of luck to you, and as always thanks for submitting!
I find this one to be a tad impenetrable. The idea of Chryssi having a twin sister is a nice one; I especially like how it creates a further parallel between Celestia and Luna (there are even shades of their good sister/evil sister relationship in here, now that I think of it). The relationship between the two of them is well-depicted as frigid, and if I'm reading this right, it even has a fridge horror element to it.
Am I correct in interpreting this as Chryssi, and the Hive, preparing to feed on the love that Powder brought them? That this is the genesis of the whole "changeling infiltrator" trope that fueled Canterlot Wedding?
But I find it tough to invest myself in the protagonist, given that she is, at firstblush brush, a generic OC, even if there's far more to her than that. Tougher, still, given how long it takes the story to reveal her true nature to the reader. I don't think the story makes strong use of its word count to hook the audience, given that its primary twist isn't really a twist, per se.
And I guess I find Powder's motivation shaky. She clearly wants to change changeling society, but has enough self-awareness to realize that her efforts are, probably doomed to failure. So why is she doing it in the first place? And lines like this one...
...raise a lot of lore questions that I'm not sure the story adequately answers.
I like this story for its ambition, but it feels like it needs a stronger emphasis on character and motivation.
Am I correct in interpreting this as Chryssi, and the Hive, preparing to feed on the love that Powder brought them? That this is the genesis of the whole "changeling infiltrator" trope that fueled Canterlot Wedding?
But I find it tough to invest myself in the protagonist, given that she is, at first
And I guess I find Powder's motivation shaky. She clearly wants to change changeling society, but has enough self-awareness to realize that her efforts are, probably doomed to failure. So why is she doing it in the first place? And lines like this one...
Will they still listen to me? Does she command them completely?
...raise a lot of lore questions that I'm not sure the story adequately answers.
I like this story for its ambition, but it feels like it needs a stronger emphasis on character and motivation.
Also known as: Mom Didn't Love Me Back
Running impressions:
I like the twist in the seventh paragraph, and the way everything before that feints toward a more pony-centric reading. The mirror is a little on the nose for the prompt but still works. You also establish Powder Brush's inner voice well.
The mention of emotions having flavors helps deepen the changeling characterization, and the similes really round out the setting. The drip-feed of information about who the sister is and the immediate situation is well-paced.
“drones and workers” is a weird combination. The usual characterization I've seen for changelings involves most of them being called “drones”, but the meaning of it being more like what “worker” means for ants or bees, which would make this redundant. If we go with the insect meaning of “drone”, then it's odd that they'd be so prominent and stay in one place.
The last two paragraphs before the break don't pace as well; they could be condensed into one.
Nitpick: the break doesn't follow the style guide; you're meant to use [hr] for those to help preserve surface anonymity.
Reigned as… princess over a changeling hive? That seems out of nowhere.
“toxified” feels rhythmically awkward.
The description of the attitude difference between the rulers after Powder's white lie drives it home powerfully.
The buildup in the second scene paces acceptably; it's a little slow, but that feels justified by the nature of the action. But then we run into the big problem, which is that it falls off a cliff at the climax. I can get the motivation, even if it's not that explicit in the text, but it's not clear to me what exactly Powder is trying to do, or why it doesn't work. It looks like it's supposed to be a demonstration of her proposed new way, but Changeling Classic psyches would need a lot more than that to get the picture. And unfortunately, so do I.
Overall: This has so much potential. It doesn't do enough with it, but what it does do tastes great. It just leaves me hungry for the missing details, and the response at the end is bizarre. Interlace more of what's really going on and why, and write the missing scenes that come after the climax, and this could be a good short story. Slate: 3rd of 13.
Running impressions:
I like the twist in the seventh paragraph, and the way everything before that feints toward a more pony-centric reading. The mirror is a little on the nose for the prompt but still works. You also establish Powder Brush's inner voice well.
The mention of emotions having flavors helps deepen the changeling characterization, and the similes really round out the setting. The drip-feed of information about who the sister is and the immediate situation is well-paced.
“drones and workers” is a weird combination. The usual characterization I've seen for changelings involves most of them being called “drones”, but the meaning of it being more like what “worker” means for ants or bees, which would make this redundant. If we go with the insect meaning of “drone”, then it's odd that they'd be so prominent and stay in one place.
The last two paragraphs before the break don't pace as well; they could be condensed into one.
Nitpick: the break doesn't follow the style guide; you're meant to use [hr] for those to help preserve surface anonymity.
Reigned as… princess over a changeling hive? That seems out of nowhere.
“toxified” feels rhythmically awkward.
The description of the attitude difference between the rulers after Powder's white lie drives it home powerfully.
The buildup in the second scene paces acceptably; it's a little slow, but that feels justified by the nature of the action. But then we run into the big problem, which is that it falls off a cliff at the climax. I can get the motivation, even if it's not that explicit in the text, but it's not clear to me what exactly Powder is trying to do, or why it doesn't work. It looks like it's supposed to be a demonstration of her proposed new way, but Changeling Classic psyches would need a lot more than that to get the picture. And unfortunately, so do I.
Overall: This has so much potential. It doesn't do enough with it, but what it does do tastes great. It just leaves me hungry for the missing details, and the response at the end is bizarre. Interlace more of what's really going on and why, and write the missing scenes that come after the climax, and this could be a good short story. Slate: 3rd of 13.
It's hard to take a deep dive in restricted word counts, but I feel you tried and mostly succeeded. I had to reread the ending and still it feels like Powder tried to affect Chrysalis the way Thorax did, but failed just leaving a bad taste in the queen's mouth. I know the writing was rushed for all of us, but the pronouns are critical and in the ending needed to be more definite.
The first "she" is probably Powder.
The second "She" continued, implying a verb. Since "felt her love flow freely" is something that not something that one can intentionally continue since it happens without volition, my mind says this "she" is Chrysalis. This breaks the story flow at the most critical moment.
"She" is probably Chrysalis, but is it?
The net result is vagary, combined with an abrupt ending. Maybe Powder died. Maybe she became a mindless worker. Maybe Powder's love left a bad aftertaste. Maybe, Powder's love gone she's now a queen and a fight will insue. You needed more polish in these last paragraphs to make them concrete. I have a sense of missed greatness. Good editing on a hard deadline is a good skill for a published author to acquire. Think about what you could have done here.
I cite this as it is a POV error. It threw me out of the story. Better would be how Powder could see how a pony would see it as creepy. Don't buy creepy from her. Painful, bad memories, institutional, lacking warm... not creepy, especially when it subsequently evokes nostalgia.
Powder felt her love flow freely into Chrysalis. She felt nothing in return, but she continued.
The first "she" is probably Powder.
The second "She" continued, implying a verb. Since "felt her love flow freely" is something that not something that one can intentionally continue since it happens without volition, my mind says this "she" is Chrysalis. This breaks the story flow at the most critical moment.
"Oh, sister," she said, "How I loath...
"She" is probably Chrysalis, but is it?
The net result is vagary, combined with an abrupt ending. Maybe Powder died. Maybe she became a mindless worker. Maybe Powder's love left a bad aftertaste. Maybe, Powder's love gone she's now a queen and a fight will insue. You needed more polish in these last paragraphs to make them concrete. I have a sense of missed greatness. Good editing on a hard deadline is a good skill for a published author to acquire. Think about what you could have done here.
This place still looks creepy as ever,
I cite this as it is a POV error. It threw me out of the story. Better would be how Powder could see how a pony would see it as creepy. Don't buy creepy from her. Painful, bad memories, institutional, lacking warm... not creepy, especially when it subsequently evokes nostalgia.