Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Endless Lawns Below
“Do you want to see it or not?”
The question was all confidence and moonlight. Rainbow Dash knew she would get the answer she wanted. Still, she let the question hang in the air like silk suspended by soaring winds. Waiting for her lonely companion to grab it and fashion a reply.
“Of course,” Rarity replied laughingly, and motioned for Rainbow Dash to pick her up. “Up you go now.”
They left the ground and climbed the sky together, clinging to what assurances cloudwalking spells and a lifetime of flight experience could give. Rarity was never worried. She knew how to cast a spell, and Rainbow Dash knew how to carry her. In their own ways, they knew what was going on.
“You never told me why this star is so special,” Rarity said.
“It’s kinda hard to explain,” Rainbow Dash said as she eyed some nearby clouds. “Twilight could say it better. All the light normally gets blocked by the moon, but there's a partial eclipse tonight, so it’s gonna bend around.”
“So, there's a partial eclipse.”
“Yes.” Rainbow Dash zeroed in on a cloud.
“And the light is bending around.”
“Yep.”
“And it’s gonna be--”
They landed. Rainbow Dash held onto Rarity for a split second after her hooves touched the clouds. “So amazing it’ll blow your mind." She pointed towards the east. "Look over there. You can see it!”
Rarity followed her friend’s gaze and found no mind-blowingly amazing sights other than the same one that was there every night. The stars and planets and uncountable satellites hung utterly still, glowing like sunkissed leaves on airless trees. “I don’t see anything,” Rarity said.
Dash groaned. “Right there. Look. Um. No, that’s not it, actually.” She squeezed one eye shut and adjusted her arm somewhat. “There it is. Off the dark side of the moon. Middle of the way down.”
Rarity leaned over Dash’s shoulder and followed her arm. “Ah, there it is!”
They turned towards each other in the same moment and their eyes met, a joyful chaotic collision. “Do you see it, really?” Dash said, turning back to the moon. “Is that not blowing your mind?”
“It’s quite small,” Rarity noted.
At this, Dash’s bravado shrunk. Rarity worried she was shutting down her enthusiasm, but Dash perked up after a moment of thought. “Still, if you think about it. It’s all the way out there. And it’s bending around, and--Twilight could say it better.” She shrugged.
Rarity squeezed her shoulder. "I suppose. But Twilight wouldn't have carried me all the way up here."
Dash perked up. “Heh, yeah. Stars come out every night, but that one never came out before. It changes everything. Now the whole sky’s once in a lifetime.”
“I never thought I’d hear poetry from you.”
“Yuck!" Dash pushed her playfully. "That’s not poetry. It didn’t even rhyme.”
They fell silent for some time after that, neither squandering the once in a lifetime sight, nor really forgetting the real reason they came up here either. They came out there in an unspoken agreement written in moments and spanning their entire lives up to that point. There was a real once in a lifetime moment to be had, and it wasn’t half a universe out of reach. It was pulling closer, excused by the chill of the thin air, the thrill found in darkness and sharing it with another. Closer now. Immovable like a star in the sky, yet setting upon them fast and warm and bright. The thought of eternity captured in perfect harmony. In love. In light.
The question was all confidence and moonlight. Rainbow Dash knew she would get the answer she wanted. Still, she let the question hang in the air like silk suspended by soaring winds. Waiting for her lonely companion to grab it and fashion a reply.
“Of course,” Rarity replied laughingly, and motioned for Rainbow Dash to pick her up. “Up you go now.”
They left the ground and climbed the sky together, clinging to what assurances cloudwalking spells and a lifetime of flight experience could give. Rarity was never worried. She knew how to cast a spell, and Rainbow Dash knew how to carry her. In their own ways, they knew what was going on.
“You never told me why this star is so special,” Rarity said.
“It’s kinda hard to explain,” Rainbow Dash said as she eyed some nearby clouds. “Twilight could say it better. All the light normally gets blocked by the moon, but there's a partial eclipse tonight, so it’s gonna bend around.”
“So, there's a partial eclipse.”
“Yes.” Rainbow Dash zeroed in on a cloud.
“And the light is bending around.”
“Yep.”
“And it’s gonna be--”
They landed. Rainbow Dash held onto Rarity for a split second after her hooves touched the clouds. “So amazing it’ll blow your mind." She pointed towards the east. "Look over there. You can see it!”
Rarity followed her friend’s gaze and found no mind-blowingly amazing sights other than the same one that was there every night. The stars and planets and uncountable satellites hung utterly still, glowing like sunkissed leaves on airless trees. “I don’t see anything,” Rarity said.
Dash groaned. “Right there. Look. Um. No, that’s not it, actually.” She squeezed one eye shut and adjusted her arm somewhat. “There it is. Off the dark side of the moon. Middle of the way down.”
Rarity leaned over Dash’s shoulder and followed her arm. “Ah, there it is!”
They turned towards each other in the same moment and their eyes met, a joyful chaotic collision. “Do you see it, really?” Dash said, turning back to the moon. “Is that not blowing your mind?”
“It’s quite small,” Rarity noted.
At this, Dash’s bravado shrunk. Rarity worried she was shutting down her enthusiasm, but Dash perked up after a moment of thought. “Still, if you think about it. It’s all the way out there. And it’s bending around, and--Twilight could say it better.” She shrugged.
Rarity squeezed her shoulder. "I suppose. But Twilight wouldn't have carried me all the way up here."
Dash perked up. “Heh, yeah. Stars come out every night, but that one never came out before. It changes everything. Now the whole sky’s once in a lifetime.”
“I never thought I’d hear poetry from you.”
“Yuck!" Dash pushed her playfully. "That’s not poetry. It didn’t even rhyme.”
They fell silent for some time after that, neither squandering the once in a lifetime sight, nor really forgetting the real reason they came up here either. They came out there in an unspoken agreement written in moments and spanning their entire lives up to that point. There was a real once in a lifetime moment to be had, and it wasn’t half a universe out of reach. It was pulling closer, excused by the chill of the thin air, the thrill found in darkness and sharing it with another. Closer now. Immovable like a star in the sky, yet setting upon them fast and warm and bright. The thought of eternity captured in perfect harmony. In love. In light.
Sentimental but sweet RariDash. I have to admit I find the ending a little overly flowery, and in general the prose gets a bit too purple. But overall you've got a lovely little snippet.
This is written sweetly, and the voices definitely ring true. Characterization is really important for a piece like this, and I think you've nailed it.
Still, I personally had a bit of trouble with how this story handles its payoff. There's not much of a conflict or an arc, which makes the piece feel more like a scene rather than a story. And I think you might want to consider what exactly you want your reader to walk away with. Eliciting warm feelings towards a cute pony couple acting cutely is definitely a legitimate goal, but it's a rather simple one. If you want to make your audience buy into the relationship between the two of them, it might be a better approach to think about a specific thing you want to say about their relationship. Having a more tangible goal/point will make the payoff that much more satisfying.
I also have to admit that the last paragraph didn't really seem to mesh with the rest of the story to me. It's got a completely different tone than thetight 3rd person Rarity perspective(EDIT: Yeah, I'm dumb, and the story was in omniscient the whole time, as scifipony says. But I still think there's quite a tone shift here.) used throughout the rest of the story, and it comes across more like a summary than an ending. I also can't help but feel that the information it conveys (the specialness of the moment, the closeness of the characters) should have been conveyed in the bulk of the story, within the interactions between the characters. IMHO a minific doesn't really need an endcap; it just needs as much content as you can cram in there. You've still got more than 150 words left—a full 20% of the max. I'd really like to see you use it!
In the end, I think what would really help is if focused on a concrete theme/message/payoff that you want this fic to accomplish, such as "Dash wants to do romantic things for Rarity, but doesn't know how" or "Rarity likes Dash because of how special she makes her feel". Once you have a visible goal, it's so much easier to ensure that every part of the story works towards evoking your desired emotional response in your reader.
Still, I personally had a bit of trouble with how this story handles its payoff. There's not much of a conflict or an arc, which makes the piece feel more like a scene rather than a story. And I think you might want to consider what exactly you want your reader to walk away with. Eliciting warm feelings towards a cute pony couple acting cutely is definitely a legitimate goal, but it's a rather simple one. If you want to make your audience buy into the relationship between the two of them, it might be a better approach to think about a specific thing you want to say about their relationship. Having a more tangible goal/point will make the payoff that much more satisfying.
I also have to admit that the last paragraph didn't really seem to mesh with the rest of the story to me. It's got a completely different tone than the
In the end, I think what would really help is if focused on a concrete theme/message/payoff that you want this fic to accomplish, such as "Dash wants to do romantic things for Rarity, but doesn't know how" or "Rarity likes Dash because of how special she makes her feel". Once you have a visible goal, it's so much easier to ensure that every part of the story works towards evoking your desired emotional response in your reader.
A nice slice of life with Dashie and Rarity written in ways that seem true to character. The ending, especially the implied and explicit poetry of it, the comparison to Twilight, the spell and Dashie's taking care to assure her friend doesn't fall, plays to the characters strength and begins to feel profound. It doesn't quite get there, but I think this is only because of the necessary rush to complete. Even so, it leaves an afterglow that escapes the sappy ship fiction.
That said, you need to pay attention to your use of the omniscient narrator. I've no objections to it's use, but you spend more time in Dashie then Rarity such that it almost feels accidentally omniscient and not intentional.
I assume this is Equestria, but this line quoted below gave me pause. It threw me enough out of the story, that I spent the rest of the story looking for hooves. This likely led to me not feeling the full impact of the ending.
Are these Equestria Girls? Ponies have forelegs. Unfortunately, I can only believe the wonky astronomy for the magical land of Equestria, not the pseudo-human land of Equestria Girls. Take this as an example of how even one word can ruin the verisimilitude of a story.
When I looked for the quote to cut and paste, I found "hooves" two paragraphs above. That "hooves" was completely invisible in the narrative because it fit my preconception. "Arm" broke that.
That said, you need to pay attention to your use of the omniscient narrator. I've no objections to it's use, but you spend more time in Dashie then Rarity such that it almost feels accidentally omniscient and not intentional.
I assume this is Equestria, but this line quoted below gave me pause. It threw me enough out of the story, that I spent the rest of the story looking for hooves. This likely led to me not feeling the full impact of the ending.
She squeezed one eye shut and adjusted her arm somewhat.
Are these Equestria Girls? Ponies have forelegs. Unfortunately, I can only believe the wonky astronomy for the magical land of Equestria, not the pseudo-human land of Equestria Girls. Take this as an example of how even one word can ruin the verisimilitude of a story.
When I looked for the quote to cut and paste, I found "hooves" two paragraphs above. That "hooves" was completely invisible in the narrative because it fit my preconception. "Arm" broke that.
>>scifipony
Just an FYI, "arm" is actually an anatomically correct term for a horse's foreleg. Don't worry—it kind of crept me out when I first learned it too. :P
Just an FYI, "arm" is actually an anatomically correct term for a horse's foreleg. Don't worry—it kind of crept me out when I first learned it too. :P
Also known as: Starry-Eyed Lovers
Running impressions:
“let the question hang in the air like silk suspended by soaring winds” right up front, that's a nice one. Is Rarity lonely, though? It seems like she's pretty satisfied given she's got Dash by her side right now.
The “Up you go now” reads like it's from Rarity, but it also sounds like what Dash would be saying to her in its stock-phrase sense.
“climbed the sky”, I like that bit too.
If these are like reality-prime optics, gravitational lensing is always happening, and it's just a relative visibility change that makes it only possible to notice it during eclipses. But it's also like Dash to get that wrong, and having the lensing only happen during an eclipse could also be the “Painting the Frost on Windows” aspect of Equestrian reality, so I'm not too worried. What actually clangs more is that it feels like this is meant to be the “mirror” part of the prompt, and it's… not a mirror?
That last paragraph… mmf. Gahhh.
Overall: Most of this is workable romance-fluff. (Gravitational lensing continues to not be a mirror, at least not in any way that's justified by alternate physics in-story.) Dash's motivation is eh for me; I think oddly enough, this might have worked better if it were thoroughly a slice-of-life with no point to it, and the characters and narration both acknowledged this. “Rainbow Dash tries to be romantic and hypes something up as really cool; Rarity is unenthusiastic about it, but they're still happy with each other even though the original purpose was lost” sounds like a compelling idea. But that last paragraph is so, so telly and glurgey that it ruins the rest of the story for me, and it kills that arc stone dead by completely contradicting the “the purposelessness was okay” attitude which I thought I was starting to see. And the alternative of making it land more purposefully would probably require changing the course of the rest of the story. Sorry, author, but it's not working well for me as it is. Slate: 12th of 13.
Running impressions:
“let the question hang in the air like silk suspended by soaring winds” right up front, that's a nice one. Is Rarity lonely, though? It seems like she's pretty satisfied given she's got Dash by her side right now.
The “Up you go now” reads like it's from Rarity, but it also sounds like what Dash would be saying to her in its stock-phrase sense.
“climbed the sky”, I like that bit too.
If these are like reality-prime optics, gravitational lensing is always happening, and it's just a relative visibility change that makes it only possible to notice it during eclipses. But it's also like Dash to get that wrong, and having the lensing only happen during an eclipse could also be the “Painting the Frost on Windows” aspect of Equestrian reality, so I'm not too worried. What actually clangs more is that it feels like this is meant to be the “mirror” part of the prompt, and it's… not a mirror?
That last paragraph… mmf. Gahhh.
Overall: Most of this is workable romance-fluff. (Gravitational lensing continues to not be a mirror, at least not in any way that's justified by alternate physics in-story.) Dash's motivation is eh for me; I think oddly enough, this might have worked better if it were thoroughly a slice-of-life with no point to it, and the characters and narration both acknowledged this. “Rainbow Dash tries to be romantic and hypes something up as really cool; Rarity is unenthusiastic about it, but they're still happy with each other even though the original purpose was lost” sounds like a compelling idea. But that last paragraph is so, so telly and glurgey that it ruins the rest of the story for me, and it kills that arc stone dead by completely contradicting the “the purposelessness was okay” attitude which I thought I was starting to see. And the alternative of making it land more purposefully would probably require changing the course of the rest of the story. Sorry, author, but it's not working well for me as it is. Slate: 12th of 13.
"That’s not poetry. It didn’t even rhyme.”
I don't know if this is just me, but I don't understand the significance of this star, or what it even is. I also don't understand why either character would care in the first place. It's not completely out of character for Dashie and/or Rarity to show an interest in astronomy, but it's not necessarily the first thing that comes to mind with either.
I don't think the romantic nature of this relationship is very well established, either. Up until the end, I would have bought that these were just two good friends chilling out on a cloud and looking at stars. I grant that the activity itself has an inherent sort of romance, but they don't talk, or act, like lovers. Yet the final paragraph (which is, as previously noted, not a strength when considering the full body of the work) indicates that they're in love.
Which I just don't feel from them, I'm sorry.
It's fluff, with some decent characterization and dialogue, but the message and scenario feel like a jumble. Author, I recommend that you think back to what you're trying to say about these two characters, and ask yourself how you might express that more clearly. Consider the dialogue as a starting point.