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King of Shadows
The ponies of the Crystal Council knew the prince wasn't paying attention to the meeting. He had been distant since the hour began. It made proceedings awkward.
The interruption was nearly a relief. The councilpony speaking trailed off gratefully as a servant made her way to the prince and whispered into his ear. The others heard only a few muffled words, but everyone knew what was being said. Sombra's eyes widened. He started to stand, but he caught himself midway through the motion so it ended up being more a sort of lurch.
“Apologies, but I need to leave soon,” he said, a crystalline forehoof tap-tapping on the arm of his chair. “No one has anything urgent?”
A few ponies shook their heads. The one who had been interrupted smiled, reassuring, and said, “Nothing as important as that, Your Highness.”
“‘Your Majesty’,” the young prince corrected with a bemused frown. Before anyone could reply, he was out the door. He galloped down halls and stairs, only slowing to give ponies the chance to scramble out of his way. The sunlight that fell through the windows and glanced off the palace and ponies inside refracted off of him as well; the faceted shadows he cast sparkled as brightly as anyone's as he ran.
He stopped when he reached the clinic wing. A nurse showed him to the door. He stood in front of it for a minute to let his breathing even out, listening for any sounds from behind it – he thought he could make out voices – then knocked. “It's Sombra,” he called quietly.
He had been here five hours earlier as well. Radiant had just begun to go into labor. He remembered the tension and tentative joy he'd felt as he met Silver in the hallway before the other stallion went in to be with his wife. He remembered it like it'd been in a dream.
Silver Medal opened the door. He was beaming, all anxiety erased. “Come see,” he said, ushering Sombra towards the bed. “Look at him.”
“Diamond Shine,” said Radiant, who glowed even more than Silver. She held the sleeping colt to her chest, and as she said his name she nuzzled him. “He put up a lot of trouble, but look at him now.”
“Oh,” Sombra breathed. “Welcome, my little pony.” Their son was a beautiful colt, even for Sombra who was no judge in these matters. Coat a soft, pink-hued white, wings so large and downy it seemed the foal might sink into them, the gently narrow facial features of his mother already apparent. “Radiant, how do you feel?”
“I'm going to sleep for a week,” she said, and Silver laughed and reached out for her to set her hoof atop his.
Radiant Hope had been Sombra's best friend from childhood and now was the head of his court scholars. They'd shared sorrows and smiles for most of their lives. Silver Medal was likewise a dear friend, his seneschal and a stallion whose ability Sombra trusted without question. Awe and love and pride grew in Sombra at the sight of their happiness, but it was a strangely dim mixture.
He felt as he had in the council room, listening with half a heart to his advisors while his mind lay in a different world. This wasn't the place where he belonged.
And, as he thought that, shadows crept into the scene, enveloping Sombra and spreading from him. Darkness consumed Radiant and Silver. For an instant, as it reached Diamond's soft wings, Radiant looked like she might have noticed – her tired eyes widened, she opened her mouth and turned to Sombra to speak – but the darkness swallowed her breath. Then it was only King Sombra in the perpetual night at the base of the Crystal Heart's prison.
He shivered, so subtly he could pretend it hadn't happened, and pressed an armor-clad hoof to the ache like a wound in his chest. He did it to feel the conviction in his voice. “I am King Sombra! I defeated Princess Amore! The Crystal Empire is mine by right of might,” he declared to the empty room. “I know who the crystal ponies are. They're not yours. They're mine! Your lies are nothing.”
Proximity to the Crystal Heart had polluted and gravely weakened the trap. He dispelled the illusion, recast it as it should be, and went to oversee his slaves from atop his tower.
The interruption was nearly a relief. The councilpony speaking trailed off gratefully as a servant made her way to the prince and whispered into his ear. The others heard only a few muffled words, but everyone knew what was being said. Sombra's eyes widened. He started to stand, but he caught himself midway through the motion so it ended up being more a sort of lurch.
“Apologies, but I need to leave soon,” he said, a crystalline forehoof tap-tapping on the arm of his chair. “No one has anything urgent?”
A few ponies shook their heads. The one who had been interrupted smiled, reassuring, and said, “Nothing as important as that, Your Highness.”
“‘Your Majesty’,” the young prince corrected with a bemused frown. Before anyone could reply, he was out the door. He galloped down halls and stairs, only slowing to give ponies the chance to scramble out of his way. The sunlight that fell through the windows and glanced off the palace and ponies inside refracted off of him as well; the faceted shadows he cast sparkled as brightly as anyone's as he ran.
He stopped when he reached the clinic wing. A nurse showed him to the door. He stood in front of it for a minute to let his breathing even out, listening for any sounds from behind it – he thought he could make out voices – then knocked. “It's Sombra,” he called quietly.
He had been here five hours earlier as well. Radiant had just begun to go into labor. He remembered the tension and tentative joy he'd felt as he met Silver in the hallway before the other stallion went in to be with his wife. He remembered it like it'd been in a dream.
Silver Medal opened the door. He was beaming, all anxiety erased. “Come see,” he said, ushering Sombra towards the bed. “Look at him.”
“Diamond Shine,” said Radiant, who glowed even more than Silver. She held the sleeping colt to her chest, and as she said his name she nuzzled him. “He put up a lot of trouble, but look at him now.”
“Oh,” Sombra breathed. “Welcome, my little pony.” Their son was a beautiful colt, even for Sombra who was no judge in these matters. Coat a soft, pink-hued white, wings so large and downy it seemed the foal might sink into them, the gently narrow facial features of his mother already apparent. “Radiant, how do you feel?”
“I'm going to sleep for a week,” she said, and Silver laughed and reached out for her to set her hoof atop his.
Radiant Hope had been Sombra's best friend from childhood and now was the head of his court scholars. They'd shared sorrows and smiles for most of their lives. Silver Medal was likewise a dear friend, his seneschal and a stallion whose ability Sombra trusted without question. Awe and love and pride grew in Sombra at the sight of their happiness, but it was a strangely dim mixture.
He felt as he had in the council room, listening with half a heart to his advisors while his mind lay in a different world. This wasn't the place where he belonged.
And, as he thought that, shadows crept into the scene, enveloping Sombra and spreading from him. Darkness consumed Radiant and Silver. For an instant, as it reached Diamond's soft wings, Radiant looked like she might have noticed – her tired eyes widened, she opened her mouth and turned to Sombra to speak – but the darkness swallowed her breath. Then it was only King Sombra in the perpetual night at the base of the Crystal Heart's prison.
He shivered, so subtly he could pretend it hadn't happened, and pressed an armor-clad hoof to the ache like a wound in his chest. He did it to feel the conviction in his voice. “I am King Sombra! I defeated Princess Amore! The Crystal Empire is mine by right of might,” he declared to the empty room. “I know who the crystal ponies are. They're not yours. They're mine! Your lies are nothing.”
Proximity to the Crystal Heart had polluted and gravely weakened the trap. He dispelled the illusion, recast it as it should be, and went to oversee his slaves from atop his tower.
I actually liked this one a lot more on second read. Sweet tone, nice prose. Makes good use of its word-count constraints. A greatly original idea? Perhaps not. But nonetheless, solidly executed. Not sure it could be extended much beyond its current length, but that's not the point of the exercise, is it?
Cute. Sombra caught in his own trap, but in reverse - rather than showing him his greatest fear, it instead showed him what his finest moment might be, a moment of pure, unbridled joy and happiness, rather than soul-crushing despair.
While I do like this idea, it also feels like it is lacking any sort of greater context, without which, it is more or less a thing that happened. And while it was an interesting thing, and an interesting idea, I'm not sure why it should matter to me.
While I do like this idea, it also feels like it is lacking any sort of greater context, without which, it is more or less a thing that happened. And while it was an interesting thing, and an interesting idea, I'm not sure why it should matter to me.
A fic where waking from a dream into a nightmare is the desired result to the main character? I actually feel conflicted about how I like or dislike this fic because, as a sappy romantic, I was enjoying the brighter version of Sombra (the comic arc on the subject was one of my favorites). Then you reveal that he was caught in an illusion, and he remains the black-hearted villain, and I sighed to myself, disappointed. Not disappointed in a bad way, mind you. I was slightly too hopeful before your little twist, which, in a meta-way, made me fall into the trap as well.
I agree with the above that this story begs for greater context, which is severely limited by the wordcount. As the trap relies heavily upon the contents of your heart, I wonder if Sombra often thinks about these other paths his life could have taken. Might be interesting to read how this vision begins to gnaw at him, weakening him for his eventual downfall.
There was a paragraph near the end that I felt became borderline telly—where you give a more detailed background to Sombra's wife and friend. It's possible it stood out to me and nobody else. Pretty minor nitpick, though. Overall I had a very positive experience with this story. Give it a little more context, and it could be a real gem.
I agree with the above that this story begs for greater context, which is severely limited by the wordcount. As the trap relies heavily upon the contents of your heart, I wonder if Sombra often thinks about these other paths his life could have taken. Might be interesting to read how this vision begins to gnaw at him, weakening him for his eventual downfall.
There was a paragraph near the end that I felt became borderline telly—where you give a more detailed background to Sombra's wife and friend. It's possible it stood out to me and nobody else. Pretty minor nitpick, though. Overall I had a very positive experience with this story. Give it a little more context, and it could be a real gem.
This is pretty good. I really did love it up till the end. The end was just not... for me. I really do love everything else about it, and with an expanded version I probably would not dislike the ending so much. Sorry that this isn't really in-detail, but the others basically covered it.
Adding one more bit to the above: I particularly like how proximity to the Heart is mucking up Sombra's Dark Magic. We know it doesn't keep doing it, but that it happened at all gives the Heart a small feeling of being a more active agent in the greater Crystal Empire story; more akin to the Tree of Harmony than a pure artifact.
Also the little "Rawr I'm evil" shout was a nice emotional touch.
Also the little "Rawr I'm evil" shout was a nice emotional touch.
There's a bit of a strange evolution in perspective here. It starts out sounding omniscient, even conspicuously saying a couple things that wouldn't work in Sombra's viewpoint (he wouldn't know what the other councilmembers heard), but after he goes to see Diamond, it moves into his perspective.
Okay, I'm admittedly dim about such things, but I didn't get the ending. I think it has to do with the door that shows someone their worst fears, but is this when he created it, and he's seeing his fear of becoming a tyrant? Or is he already the tyrant, and he's seeing his worst fear of watching his family be consumed by the darkness? Or a false past of even having a family, because he fears attachments like that? I think there are several interpretations that could work here, though my reading of it supports one of the last two better.
The writing's mostly good, but there's one very explain-y paragraph, and you're relying a lot on the reader inferring that Sombra would care about a wife and child the same way any normal person would, instead of showing me how he specifically does. That leaves it feeling a little generic, since it's just letting the reader assume the generic impact.
Okay, I'm admittedly dim about such things, but I didn't get the ending. I think it has to do with the door that shows someone their worst fears, but is this when he created it, and he's seeing his fear of becoming a tyrant? Or is he already the tyrant, and he's seeing his worst fear of watching his family be consumed by the darkness? Or a false past of even having a family, because he fears attachments like that? I think there are several interpretations that could work here, though my reading of it supports one of the last two better.
The writing's mostly good, but there's one very explain-y paragraph, and you're relying a lot on the reader inferring that Sombra would care about a wife and child the same way any normal person would, instead of showing me how he specifically does. That leaves it feeling a little generic, since it's just letting the reader assume the generic impact.