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Trixie's Secret Admirer
A frenzied hammering awoke Trixie Lulamoon from her slumber.
"I'm coming! Hold your ponies," she shouted, clambering for the door.
Trixie opened her trailer to see Starlight Glimmer standing in the rain, hyperventilating. She held a wet bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates, and wore a set of saddlebags swollen with water.
"We need to talk," said Starlight, pushing her way into the cramped little covered wagon. She tossed the presents on Trixie's hammock.
Trixie rolled her eyes. "Please, do come in," she said, heavy on the sarcasm. "This couldn't wait until morning?"
"Those... 'gifts' were waiting on your stoop," said Starlight, wringing the water from her mane and saddlebags into her magical grasp and levitating the blobs of water out the window.
"In that case, it was very thoughtful for you to bring them in for me," said Trixie, smiling as she ran a hoof along the wet surface of the chocolate box.
Starlight took a deep breath. "Trixie, I know about your secret admirer."
Trixie froze. "You do...?" she said, raising a brow.
"I've seen your mail."
Trixie gasped and feigned indignation. "Starlight Glimmer! You've been reading through my mail? How could you?"
"I haven't. It's on the outside of the letters. 'Your biggest fan and secret admirer', written in large script."
"Ah, well. You know show business," she said, giggling.
"Trixie, this could be a stalker! You're getting messages from this pony every day!" said Starlight. "It's been going on almost as long as we've been together! Now, flowers and chocolate?"
Frowning, Trixie snorted. "What? Is it so hard to believe somepony might be enamored with me?"
"Of course not. I'm enamored with you. That's why I'm worried."
"Aha! So that's what this is all about. You're just jealous," said Trixie. She smiled smugly, tilting her head back.
Starlight rubbed her temple with a hoof. "No! Well, maybe..." she said, then paused before looking her marefriend dead in the eye. "Trixie, we've been together long enough that I can tell when you're not being honest. You know who this pony is, don't you?"
Trixie swallowed hard. "I d-don't know what you're talking about," she said, quickly mopping her brow with a fetlock.
"You're a great liar on stage, but terrible in private," said Starlight, her voice growing soft. "Please, Trixie. Don't hide this from me."
Tears began to rim Trixie's eyes. "Trixie is... embarrassed," she said. "Trixie's secret fan isn't much of a pony."
Starlight reached out and stroked Trixie's mane. "You only speak in third-pony when you're nervous," said Starlight, her eyes sad. "I'm not going to judge you. I don't care who it is: a senior citizen, a foal, even a diamond dog. You deserve everypony's adoration."
"Trixie can't tell, Star, she just can't," she said, pressing her lips tight.
"I'm worried about this pony doing something to hurt you."
Trixie nodded. "Trixie worries about that too."
"Then tell me! I love you, Trixie. I want to keep you safe."
Trixie closed her eyes tight and said nothing, opting only to shake her head.
Starlight sighed and pet Trixie's mane. "Then what about this gift? Does this frighten you?" she asked, producing a small, wrapped box from her saddlebags.
Trixie opened her eyes and looked at the box levitating in front of her. "What? I don't remember sending this."
"Sweet Celestia," said Starlight, her eyes widening. "It's you! You're your own secret admirer!"
Tears began to trail down Trixie's cheeks. "Trixie admits it! Trixie just—I just wanted to impress you... but nopony gives Trixie the adoration she deserves..."
"Trixie..."
"It's because Trixie doesn't deserve it," sobbed Trixie. She sniffled as Starlight pulled her chin back up with a hoof.
"Love, you do deserve it. I might be the only pony lucky enough to know it, but you're worth way more than some silly roses and chocolates." Starlight gently kissed the tears from Trixie's cheeks.
Trixie smiled weakly and rubbed her eyes. "You don't think I'm being silly?"
"Of course you're silly. You don't need to impress me! I already know how Great and Powerful you are," said Starlight, grinning.
"Then who got me this present?" asked Trixie, pointing at the little box.
"Your not-so-secret admirer," said Starlight, hoofing it over.
Trixie opened the box to find a silver ring the same size as her horn. She gasped. "Starlight! Are you asking me...?"
Starlight nodded and held her breath.
"Buck fan mail," said Trixie, as she grasped her fiancee in both forelegs and kissed.
"I'm coming! Hold your ponies," she shouted, clambering for the door.
Trixie opened her trailer to see Starlight Glimmer standing in the rain, hyperventilating. She held a wet bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates, and wore a set of saddlebags swollen with water.
"We need to talk," said Starlight, pushing her way into the cramped little covered wagon. She tossed the presents on Trixie's hammock.
Trixie rolled her eyes. "Please, do come in," she said, heavy on the sarcasm. "This couldn't wait until morning?"
"Those... 'gifts' were waiting on your stoop," said Starlight, wringing the water from her mane and saddlebags into her magical grasp and levitating the blobs of water out the window.
"In that case, it was very thoughtful for you to bring them in for me," said Trixie, smiling as she ran a hoof along the wet surface of the chocolate box.
Starlight took a deep breath. "Trixie, I know about your secret admirer."
Trixie froze. "You do...?" she said, raising a brow.
"I've seen your mail."
Trixie gasped and feigned indignation. "Starlight Glimmer! You've been reading through my mail? How could you?"
"I haven't. It's on the outside of the letters. 'Your biggest fan and secret admirer', written in large script."
"Ah, well. You know show business," she said, giggling.
"Trixie, this could be a stalker! You're getting messages from this pony every day!" said Starlight. "It's been going on almost as long as we've been together! Now, flowers and chocolate?"
Frowning, Trixie snorted. "What? Is it so hard to believe somepony might be enamored with me?"
"Of course not. I'm enamored with you. That's why I'm worried."
"Aha! So that's what this is all about. You're just jealous," said Trixie. She smiled smugly, tilting her head back.
Starlight rubbed her temple with a hoof. "No! Well, maybe..." she said, then paused before looking her marefriend dead in the eye. "Trixie, we've been together long enough that I can tell when you're not being honest. You know who this pony is, don't you?"
Trixie swallowed hard. "I d-don't know what you're talking about," she said, quickly mopping her brow with a fetlock.
"You're a great liar on stage, but terrible in private," said Starlight, her voice growing soft. "Please, Trixie. Don't hide this from me."
Tears began to rim Trixie's eyes. "Trixie is... embarrassed," she said. "Trixie's secret fan isn't much of a pony."
Starlight reached out and stroked Trixie's mane. "You only speak in third-pony when you're nervous," said Starlight, her eyes sad. "I'm not going to judge you. I don't care who it is: a senior citizen, a foal, even a diamond dog. You deserve everypony's adoration."
"Trixie can't tell, Star, she just can't," she said, pressing her lips tight.
"I'm worried about this pony doing something to hurt you."
Trixie nodded. "Trixie worries about that too."
"Then tell me! I love you, Trixie. I want to keep you safe."
Trixie closed her eyes tight and said nothing, opting only to shake her head.
Starlight sighed and pet Trixie's mane. "Then what about this gift? Does this frighten you?" she asked, producing a small, wrapped box from her saddlebags.
Trixie opened her eyes and looked at the box levitating in front of her. "What? I don't remember sending this."
"Sweet Celestia," said Starlight, her eyes widening. "It's you! You're your own secret admirer!"
Tears began to trail down Trixie's cheeks. "Trixie admits it! Trixie just—I just wanted to impress you... but nopony gives Trixie the adoration she deserves..."
"Trixie..."
"It's because Trixie doesn't deserve it," sobbed Trixie. She sniffled as Starlight pulled her chin back up with a hoof.
"Love, you do deserve it. I might be the only pony lucky enough to know it, but you're worth way more than some silly roses and chocolates." Starlight gently kissed the tears from Trixie's cheeks.
Trixie smiled weakly and rubbed her eyes. "You don't think I'm being silly?"
"Of course you're silly. You don't need to impress me! I already know how Great and Powerful you are," said Starlight, grinning.
"Then who got me this present?" asked Trixie, pointing at the little box.
"Your not-so-secret admirer," said Starlight, hoofing it over.
Trixie opened the box to find a silver ring the same size as her horn. She gasped. "Starlight! Are you asking me...?"
Starlight nodded and held her breath.
"Buck fan mail," said Trixie, as she grasped her fiancee in both forelegs and kissed.
Pics
This feels almost like a parody. I did enjoy it, yet my overall impression afterwards is that it's kinda silly, and kinda romantic, and the two tones don't quite blend together. I could see this interesting story concept reworked as a 100% serious romantic drama.... or as a 100% silly farce. I can't decide which I'd rather see, but I feel like they'd both be stronger.
If you remember that Calvin & Hobbes comic where they play football but constantly reveal that they're double-agents working for the other team, that's what I was reminded of. The drama isn't quite convincing when Starlight is worried about the secret admirer, yet reveals later that she knew all along. Or maybe it really is intended as a comedy all along, but in that case I think it needs a better punchline.
Pretty good use of the artwork. Swaps out different characters, but the essential idea is still recognizable, and it develops that into something unique.
If you remember that Calvin & Hobbes comic where they play football but constantly reveal that they're double-agents working for the other team, that's what I was reminded of. The drama isn't quite convincing when Starlight is worried about the secret admirer, yet reveals later that she knew all along. Or maybe it really is intended as a comedy all along, but in that case I think it needs a better punchline.
Pretty good use of the artwork. Swaps out different characters, but the essential idea is still recognizable, and it develops that into something unique.
My main critique for this one is emotions seem to turn on a dime. Sentences are alternately calm and excited, angry and happy. This is probably an artefact of the limited horsewordspace. You probably should have tried for fewer twists to ponies' emotional states given the space limitations.
Aside, I'm not sure what >>Haze was reading, because I can't see where Starlight "knew all along" who the secret admirer was. She seems to have the revelation with the line that begins "Sweet Celestia", after Trixie admits she didn't send the last gift to herself. Am I missing something?
Aside, I'm not sure what >>Haze was reading, because I can't see where Starlight "knew all along" who the secret admirer was. She seems to have the revelation with the line that begins "Sweet Celestia", after Trixie admits she didn't send the last gift to herself. Am I missing something?
>>Trick_Question
Oh, and one more thing. GlimTrix is my OTP, so you at least have that going for you. :heart:
Oh, and one more thing. GlimTrix is my OTP, so you at least have that going for you. :heart:
Completely subjective opinion: I couldn't help but think the whole thing was kinda cheesy. The "I did it because i love you" angle followed by the "I will love you anyway" resolution is pretty well-trodden ground. As a result, a lot of the hemming and hawing that Trixie does in the first half felt circular to me, because I could kind of already guess where things were headed. And I do agree with >>Haze that Starlight being in on Trixie's ploy kind of dulls the worry and care she displays for Trixie before the reveal.
Outside of that, though, I think this was pretty strongly executed. It's just that this kind of shipping is not really my cup of tea, I guess.
Outside of that, though, I think this was pretty strongly executed. It's just that this kind of shipping is not really my cup of tea, I guess.
Starlight reached out and stroked Trixie's mane. "You only speak in third-pony when you're nervous," said Starlight, her eyes sad.
She must suffer from nonstop stage fright, then, because it's easier to count instances where Trixie isn't speaking in the third pony.
In contrast with the other Trixie story, "Help, I've Accidentally Started a Horse-Cult," this is a story that would have been better served by leaning into its absurd elements. Trixie becoming her own secret admirer is hilarious. Doing so to impress Glimmer is... actually pretty cute.
Wringing pathos out of it to the degree that you're doing? Not quite working out. I'm not sure the crying and the hugging is the route to take here.
Trixie's Secret Admirer
a retrospective
Thanks to >>Haze >>Bachiavellian >>Posh for your advice and comments.
This was the second of two stories I wrote, and I wrote it in haste. It suffers from a number of problems, in part because the story I had in mind isn't appropriate for a minific format. I need way more horse words to enter the drama territory I'd intended to.
First off, Haze and Bachiavellian: please explain why you think Starlight Glimmer knew about Trixie, because I don't see it and I need to understand why...
It seems obvious to me that Trixie revealing she didn't send that gift to herself informs Starlight for the first time that she was her own secret admirer. That's why she curses and her eyes widen. Is that not clear? How could that not be clear? I don't get what is sending the wrong impression.
Anyway, the biggest problem with this story by far is the sheer amount of glurge at the end (as some of you noticed). It's too much of a stretch to have Starlight propose to Trixie at the resolution of the story, especially when they're still learning things about each other. I also think the emotions are overdone in the middle of the story, but this is partly due to the word constraint. As I mentioned in my mock-review (which on random.org I rolled... I don't remember but it was lower than the other story, maybe 12?), emotions seem to turn on a dime and this is because there isn't enough space to do it properly.
I might redo this one and post it someday, but it will probably be much longer than a minific.
Thanks again for the advice and comments! :trixieshiftright:
a retrospective
Thanks to >>Haze >>Bachiavellian >>Posh for your advice and comments.
This was the second of two stories I wrote, and I wrote it in haste. It suffers from a number of problems, in part because the story I had in mind isn't appropriate for a minific format. I need way more horse words to enter the drama territory I'd intended to.
First off, Haze and Bachiavellian: please explain why you think Starlight Glimmer knew about Trixie, because I don't see it and I need to understand why...
Trixie opened her eyes and looked at the box levitating in front of her. "What? I don't remember sending this."
"Sweet Celestia," said Starlight, her eyes widening. "It's you! You're your own secret admirer!"
It seems obvious to me that Trixie revealing she didn't send that gift to herself informs Starlight for the first time that she was her own secret admirer. That's why she curses and her eyes widen. Is that not clear? How could that not be clear? I don't get what is sending the wrong impression.
Anyway, the biggest problem with this story by far is the sheer amount of glurge at the end (as some of you noticed). It's too much of a stretch to have Starlight propose to Trixie at the resolution of the story, especially when they're still learning things about each other. I also think the emotions are overdone in the middle of the story, but this is partly due to the word constraint. As I mentioned in my mock-review (which on random.org I rolled... I don't remember but it was lower than the other story, maybe 12?), emotions seem to turn on a dime and this is because there isn't enough space to do it properly.
I might redo this one and post it someday, but it will probably be much longer than a minific.
Thanks again for the advice and comments! :trixieshiftright:
>>Trick_Question
I admit I misread it, but I think it was this section:
in hindsight, the "eyes widening" should've made it clearer that she was completely surprised, but the first time I honestly thought the story was hinting that Starlight already knew/suspected. like bringing up that Trixie already knows the identity, and that Trixie is a bad liar. I think it's the pacing, rather than the words, that made me believe Starlight was trying to bait a confession out of Trixie the whole time, rather than a genuine concern for her safety.
It's also not stated why Starlight wrapped up her own gift at a point before she even knows how Trixie feels about the fanmail, so my first assumption is it was planned as part of the bait.
I can see this as a minific limitation problem like you pointed out, and it would've made more sense in multiple scenes where the characters get time to process what they've learned. I now feel guilty for completely misreading the fic as a comedy instead of a romance, but hopefully this helps.
I admit I misread it, but I think it was this section:
Starlight sighed and pet Trixie's mane. "Then what about this gift? Does this frighten you?" she asked, producing a small, wrapped box from her saddlebags.
Trixie opened her eyes and looked at the box levitating in front of her. "What? I don't remember sending this."
"Sweet Celestia," said Starlight, her eyes widening. "It's you! You're your own secret admirer!"
in hindsight, the "eyes widening" should've made it clearer that she was completely surprised, but the first time I honestly thought the story was hinting that Starlight already knew/suspected. like bringing up that Trixie already knows the identity, and that Trixie is a bad liar. I think it's the pacing, rather than the words, that made me believe Starlight was trying to bait a confession out of Trixie the whole time, rather than a genuine concern for her safety.
It's also not stated why Starlight wrapped up her own gift at a point before she even knows how Trixie feels about the fanmail, so my first assumption is it was planned as part of the bait.
I can see this as a minific limitation problem like you pointed out, and it would've made more sense in multiple scenes where the characters get time to process what they've learned. I now feel guilty for completely misreading the fic as a comedy instead of a romance, but hopefully this helps.
>>Trick_Question
What personally confused me was the 4th and 5th to last paragraphs. It seemed to me like Starlight had slipped her gift in along with the others, knowing how this convo would play out, especially since in the beginning, Starlight brought in her present along with the others without telling Trixie that one of them was from her. In hindsight, I can see that you hid this fact from Trixie so you could do the "It was yourself!" reveal. But even on my 2nd and 3rd reads, I assumed Starlight didn't tell Trixie that one gift was her own, because she was in on the whole thing the whole time and wanted to get Trixie to face her insecurities.
Take my feedback with a grain of salt, because I know I can be stupidly bad at picking up on the obvious, which is why I try to do multiple read-throughs before reviewing Writeoff entries. But I know I drop the ball a lot, still.
What personally confused me was the 4th and 5th to last paragraphs. It seemed to me like Starlight had slipped her gift in along with the others, knowing how this convo would play out, especially since in the beginning, Starlight brought in her present along with the others without telling Trixie that one of them was from her. In hindsight, I can see that you hid this fact from Trixie so you could do the "It was yourself!" reveal. But even on my 2nd and 3rd reads, I assumed Starlight didn't tell Trixie that one gift was her own, because she was in on the whole thing the whole time and wanted to get Trixie to face her insecurities.
Take my feedback with a grain of salt, because I know I can be stupidly bad at picking up on the obvious, which is why I try to do multiple read-throughs before reviewing Writeoff entries. But I know I drop the ball a lot, still.
>>Haze >>Bachiavellian
Clearly if you guys misread it, there was a problem, so thank you very much for the feedback! :twilightsmile:
Clearly if you guys misread it, there was a problem, so thank you very much for the feedback! :twilightsmile:
>>Bachiavellian
I misread it this way too. I don't have a good off-the-cuff suggestion for how to fix it, just wanted to third them.
I misread it this way too. I don't have a good off-the-cuff suggestion for how to fix it, just wanted to third them.