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Keep Pretending · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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The Party That Never Starts (For Me)
Amethyst Star hated today, mostly because Lyra loved it. Nothing good came from being that cheerful.

Irritably, she moved through the partygoers, wondering why she felt like the one pickled onion in a tropical salad. Look at Pinkie Pie, swinging on the lights! Didn’t she ever worry about breaking something, or hitting someone? Plus, seeing ponies emptying the punch bowls and dancing on tables brought out her black depression like endless coffee. No one, she suspected, got that casually carefree without a lot of fretting, sprucing, and acting.

“What do you think!?” Lyra yelled over the beatbox.

“What!?” yelled Amethyst.

“Enjoying the party!?”

“No!”

“But it’s loud and bright and happening!”

“That’s my point!”

“What!?”

“What!?”

Amethyst pointed; they slid into the kitchen. Beatbox music thumped the walls, but at least they could stop shouting. Straggler ponies walked past, looking for treats.

“You’re not enjoying any of it?” said Lyra.

“Pretty narrow idea of enjoyment.” Amethyst paced up and down. She felt too energized, as though someone had dumped a load of radioactive heat inside her and locked it in.

“Oh no, there’s loads of ways to enjoy yourself. You mean not one of them’s come to you?”

“What do you mean? You’re either happy, or you’re not. I need a drink.”

“Berry’s punch is over there –”

“Yeah, no. Orange juice, please.”

“But the punch had barely been spiked –”

Orange juice, please.

One glass dutifully appeared. Amethyst wasted no time gulping it down.

“You know, Misery-guts,” said Lyra, smiling, “you keep pretending there’s only one form of happiness, but we both –” she winked “– know better. Don’t we?”

Refreshed once more despite herself, Amethyst placed the glass carefully in the sink. “Sorry?”

“That theory you had, way back. You know, how there’s only six emotions? Anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise. You got it from that book?”

“You called it baloney.”

“It is baloney! Just one happiness against five bad emotions?”

“Surprise is neutral.”

“My good mare, I call baloney! There’s all kinds of good emotions. Excitement, indulgence, contentment, that rush you get after eating cake…”

Amethyst sank where she stood. Only loyalty and a failure to think of anything better kept her listening. Already, she heard the debate rumbling on the horizon, under that blasted music.

What a birthday, she thought miserably. My own birthday, too. Sheesh.

The worst part was that she’d had to organize the party herself. Her presumption that no one else would schedule it turned out to be true… except in Pinkie Pie’s case, hence the mad chaos steamrollering over her own plan.

“Heck no,” she said when Lyra finished rambling. “You’ll find the bad stuff outnumbers the good easily. Taxes, politics, diseases, annoying neighbours, stress, work… You know what they say about happy families and unhappy ones. Plus, there’s a very long list of mental disorders.”

“Phooey,” said Lyra, beaming. “You only focus on problems. I focus on solutions.”

“That again? Laughter isn’t the best medicine. I’m sure doctors would have noticed.”

Despite the shaking in her legs, Amethyst turned and walked towards the living room door, towards that overloud, overcrowded sinkhole. It was her party. She had to be there. If she wasn’t, well, what would they think? In her heart, she trembled. What would they say if she ditched them?

So when Lyra grabbed her foreleg and pulled her towards the backdoor to the garden, she squirmed.

“Lyra, what are you doing!? I’m the host!”

Yet they stepped outside. She made no effort to get back in; Lyra slammed the door.

Cool breeze.

Butterflies zipping past.

Trees ablaze with autumn.

Green hills and boundless skies.

“But what about –?”

“They’ll understand,” said Lyra. “Just savour it. Enjoy it. I know you. Everyone’s got a type of happiness that fits them best. I work out the who and the what.”

“You do?”

“Well, it’s like music. Different genres, doing different things. But it’s all a kind of art, right?”

Silence. Not even a hint of the party out here. Only peace.

Amethyst sighed. “Something’ll go wrong. It always does, right?”

Her defeat disappeared into nothing. No chance against the garden, or the quiet town, or the lovely greenery.

Amethyst wouldn’t admit she was happy. She wouldn’t let go of what she knew: that life waited for the party to end. It wouldn’t be stopped by one kind gesture.

Yet they stood outside a long time. Lyra never once let her go. And Amethyst felt less like a pickled onion.
Pics
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#1 · 1
· · >>BlueChameleonVI
I will be honest, I don't get what this is about. It just sorta... is. It started off strong, the middle was leading up to something, but at the end, it felt like you forgot what it was. It's just words on a page that don't seem to mesh with the rest of the story. At least, for me. So, take this as you will.
#2 · 2
· · >>BlueChameleonVI
Genre:
endless coffee

<.<
>.>

Thoughts: I hate to just call a story "odd" and move on. This certainly is a bit odd, though. On the one hand, it all just happens. Sparkler is depressed, hosts a party that she doesn't want to partake in, and Lyra is there trying to cheer her up for some reason. I feel like there's a mountain of backstory or context that would help fill in the gaps here.

Butt, I can't deny that there's emotional resonance in Lyra's and Sparkler's interactions with each other as we get toward the middle and end of the story. The "pickled onion" thing is a nice callback to the beginning. There's a lovely bit of sparse description that helps catch the eye in there as well:

Cool breeze.

Butterflies zipping past.

Trees ablaze with autumn.

Green hills and boundless skies.


Da's some good stuff. It just doesn't make sense to me, though, why Sparkler is hosting this party that she doesn't even want to attend--indeed can't attend, due to her feelings. I like it that Lyra is being a good friend to her by reaching out when she needs it, but what prompted this in the first place? And that's not just me grousing, though Lord knows I do plenty of that. It's more like: what are the stakes underpinning everything that's going on? Sparkler feels compelled to host this party, but why? Does she gain something by doing it? Does she risk something by not doing it? Even if the risk is losing favor somehow with Lyra, that would help to explain why they're both in this together, and it would lend weight to Lyra's willingness to bail her out when it all proves to be too much. As of right now, though, I'm left wondering.

So in summary, I think there are some lovely bits here, but I'd work on fleshing-out some of the explanations for things a bit more.

(Also, yes, I know she's "Amethyst Star" and not "Sparkler" according to canon, but she'll always be Sparkler to me... probably) :-p


Tier: Keep Developing
#3 · 1
· · >>BlueChameleonVI
There's two main points I want to convey for this story, Writer. The first is that you go out of your way to create a sense that I'm missing something.

“That theory you had, way back. You know, how there’s only six emotions? Anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise. You got it from that book?”


This rang enough of a bell that I Googled it, and this is a psychology thing - six basic, universal human emotions as registered by facial expressions, right? This feels like your running with a flawed premise, since the study doesn't seem to say there's only six emotions, just six easily recognizable emotions, regardless of culture or upbringing. And even then, this is a weird through line for the story to take, and it doesn't seem to dovetail well with the other point you're trying to make.

That brings me to my second point, which is that I kinda love the dynamic you're hinting at between Amethyst and Lyra. The root of this story is that Lyra's a good friend who pays enough attention to realize that Amethyst doesn't need, nor want, to be where she is, so she gets her out into the real world to just... exist, for a while. And that's pretty cool, having a friend who knows you well enough to get you to de-stress when you need it. I like that Amethyst doesn't fully cave, and a part of her still resists and claws at her to remain morose, but we still see the hints of her starting to unwind and let peace into her heart.

As a side note, I love your closing line, too.

I'm glad my art could inspire you, Writer, if only tangentially. ^^ Best of luck!
#4 ·
· · >>BlueChameleonVI >>WritingSpirit
I'm having a hard time with the payoff, here.The primary conflict is that Amethyst is a big introvert who doesn't like her own rowdy birthday party, and the resolution is Lyra whisking Amethyst outside for a breather. I have two concerns about this. The first is that Amethyst has virtually no agency throughout, and the second is that there Amythest's position only really changes in the physical sense–she is pretty stagnant emotionally speaking. Together, these issues made me feel that the story lacked a strong arc and didn't have a clear thematic purpose, and I found it hard to really enjoy the dialogue that you've crafted.
#5 · 1
· · >>CoffeeMinion
Right. With a hefty four fics knocked out at the prelims - ouch! - I'm only up for commenting on one of them. Grand Dreams, Wordsmith is yet more evidence that epistolary minifics are tantamount to docking myself points ahead of time. Villainy Ain't a Piece of Cake was a blind shot that missed. The Twinkle Must Shine On boils down to "don't write minifics based on Queen songs; good songs do not equal good story ideas." So that leaves this one, which caused the most confusion that wasn't scoff-related.

Well, I'll try to explain where I was coming from with this one, but I can't promise this'll cover everything.

The guiding principle here is that this is a psychologically based scene above all else. Although I wrote a couple of story-centric entries (Grand and Twinkle), I also went for the opposite approach here and wrote a scene instead (although the fact that neither approach worked suggests I'm looking in the wrong place). Amethyst and Lyra's introversion-extroversion contrast is an obvious case, but there was also the former's general pessimism and sense of obligation, as demonstrated in their back-and-forth.

The pessimism informs a large part of their dialogue, including that "six emotions" thing; Amethyst is the sort of pony who looks for what could go wrong rather than what could go right. The sense of obligation is hinted at in paragraph 34, along with the explanation for her hosting this thing (she's fretting over the negative repercussions of "ditching" it or of what the others would think). The unifying theme of these aspects is that Amethyst generally has a more negative outlook, though she also skews slightly towards the academic and intellectual.

The overall emphasis of the narrative, though, since it was character-driven, was to focus on the relationship between the two first and foremost, hinting at a dynamic that wasn't compromised by those traits but which accommodated them. It's ultimately about open-mindedness between two different people/ponies.

Everything above serves as the sea through which said relationship swims. The eschewing of the traditional "Character A beats Obstacle B to get Achievement C" format wasn't a bug; it was a feature. The whole point is that the issue eschews the extrovert ideal of "noise and action" in favour of the introvert ideal of "peace and quiet", with a focus on mutual support rather than doing everything alone. This is exactly the fic I wanted to write.

As for why all that is focused on these two specifically... Nah, you're on your own there. Where's the fun in telling you everything? :P
#6 ·
·
Whoops, forgot to reply! Here we go.

>>MLPmatthewl419
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Icenrose
>>Bachiavellian
#7 · 2
· · >>WritingSpirit
>>BlueChameleonVI
Villainy Ain't a Piece of Cake was a blind shot that missed


With respect, I disagree. Villainy was pretty great! I think it could bear some tuning and tweaking, but it’s got really good bones (as HGTV et. al. would say).
#8 · 1
·
I think I should first concur with >>CoffeeMinion that Villainy was great, and probably my favorite of the four stories you've written for that didn't make the cut. It may not be as big of a miss as you would think, because I find that the interaction between the Cakes and Mane-iac does pose some rather interesting questions. Sure, they did remain unanswered, but I believe with a little work, you can probably flesh it out a lot more.

Now, onto this story in question.

From what I recall, I'll echo >>Bachiavellian's point in that the dialogue between Amethyst and Lyra was the first thing that stuck out to me. Many sections of it a little bit forced, as if they were being pushed to say the things that they were saying. Lyra elaborating that much on the six emotions, in particular, was a little strange to me, because it seemed that Lyra showed as much enthusiasm into the subject as Amethyst was when I'm certain that wasn't supposed to be the case.

Onto the concept in question, the contrast between introversion and extroversion coming to a head, as you've brought up in your comment, is definitely an interesting dynamic, even though it's been done quite a number of times before. Suffice to say, I can only recall films that do that well (The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, Her, the recently-released Eighth Grade) but it's a tried and true concept that still has a place today, even on a site like this. When you mentioned that, I can finally see what's exactly going on behind the scenes, but I think the problem I had with the story as a whole, however, comes from its implementation.

The scene seems to be fully dependent on the concept when it should be structured around it.

That's what I felt coming away from this story, unintended or otherwise, and I do think this extends to the problem I had with the dialogue as well. Starting off with the premise, there are some unanswered questions about it that my fellow writers before me have pointed out already, so I won't repeat them. I'll just add that the lack of stakes goes both ways as well, as it didn't seem to be progressing towards anything beyond the scene that was set up. Is there anything beyond this scene that you've provided us? What happens to Amethyst and Lyra beyond this point? The fact that I find myself scratching my head of how this scene came to be and where this scene would lead gives me that impression.

The characters seem to be molded too neatly into the concept as well. Yes, Amethyst is the pessimistic introvert, and Lyra the optimistic extrovert, but I feel there should be more to the characters than what we're given. There's definitely a vague sense of motivation as to why each character is doing what they're doing in this whole short scene, but the motivation I'm getting from them isn't... urgent.

Okay, I'm delving into stage-acting terminology here, so bear with me.

Put it simply, a good objective stems from transitive verbs. In a scene, each character has an objective that they're trying to achieve, and throughout the scene, they'll use any means necessary to achieve that singular objective, which one can separate into beats. The objective can be stated as such:

Twilight Sparkle is trying to dissuade Spike from leaving Ponyville.


Now, compare that objective used in the same context with this:

Twilight Sparkle is trying to convince Spike from leaving Ponyville.


You can notice that the sense of urgency isn't there in this case. The stakes didn't seem to matter as much when she's 'convincing' him not to leave as opposed to 'dissuading' him.

Suppose I apply the same mechanic to that story to our protagonist, Amethyst, this is my interpretation:

Amethyst Star is trying to ensure she isn't ruining the party.


First problem I can see is that it's not a transitive verb. Second, 'ensuring' is somewhat passive in comparison to most verbs, though there isn't really a fitting replacement I can think of considering how bare the scene itself really is. I can say that Lyra has a stronger objective than Amethyst, though not by a large margin, unfortunately.

You can see how it would pose a problem for a character-driven narrative story. The dynamic is there, no question, but I feel like more thought has been put into the whole introvert / extrovert idea than the relationship between the two, and that their relationship stems only from the concept and, as such, does not have any organic root in the scene that just feels out of place for some reason. In the end, the moments of connection and conflict between the characters in the story lacked weight, even despite possessing contrasting personalities.

I think it's nice that you have a neat concept going for it, though I wished more time was spent focused on making the story engaging rather than making sure it adhered to the concept down to its finest detail. Nevertheless, that's just the impression I get from reading the story.

Thanks for writing!