I was a big fan of the writing here, very stylish. Maybe a little too stylish if anything, because it took me a second read-through to fully get to grips with the train of logic going on here. Excellent use of an unreliable narrator. There are probably parts in the narration I would cut/change for readability but otherwise this is very high on my slate. Kudos, author.

Okay, this needs to play its cards *way* less close to its chest. It's not until the 719th of its 750 words that we learn the story is told in second person, rather than third person. I spent the first 718 words struggling hard to understand who the story was about, and the 719th a little bit upset that I wasted my time. Because this deliberately hides its narrative choice. "When the stomach burns like that", "The rapid breathing and trembling leg muscles", much etc.; deliberately evading labeling who it's talking about.

The twitching stops, and breathing returns to normal.

Princess Mi Amore Cadenza lights up the cavern with a soft glow from her horn.

This is the first time the text narrates a character doing an action. The natural assumption from that is that we are reading a story in close third person limited about Cadance, and all the previously expressed thoughts are in her head — but it immediately seems unlikely that she would have been thinking about Bon Bon's sleep-kicking habits. So the next assumption is that we're watching someone watch Cadance. Read back: "Did Bon Bon start kicking in her sleep again…" Is this someone who expects Bon Bon to be there, or is this close third person limited about Bon Bon? Uncertain; read on. "Being one of her bridesmaids could open the door to a favor or two", and no resolution: that could be equally either Bon-Bon or Lyra. But hang on, why the hell would either one of them be in a cavern with Cadance, who was only ever in a cavern in canon when she was locked away in solitary confinement during the wedding, and never talked to anypony then until Twilight found her? Is the story about Twilight?! Are we in some AU where Chrysalis won???

That's right. The Princess of Love. She ruins everything.

She makes them fall back in love and ponies everywhere swoon.

Wait, so falling back in love is a bad thing? Is the narrator a changeling?!? Why would anyone else think that? (And yes mind control — but the rest of the story makes a big deal of interpreting C's suggestions in the most favorable light based on the narrator's existing feelings and motivations, not totally rewriting them. So we have the implication that the narrator is super bitter about love, which definitely doesn't match someone in a working relationship.)

And the frustrating thing is that this has such a trivial fix: just put "you" somewhere outside quotes in the first few paragraphs, which would clarify that all of the named characters are external to the narrated thoughts. Go as crazy as you want, after you've grounded the story. I made the mistake of not doing that once. Go read the first scene of that if you'd like an outside view of how frustrating it can be to piece this together from a cold start.

I may try to give this a second read (knowing the secret) to judge it more fairly, but right now it's hard to separate the story from my experience of running into a solid wall of bewilderment, and it's hard to avoid seeing how many places you deliberately crafted the wording for exactly that effect.

Regardless, thank you for writing it. I am a big fan of experimentation in the Writeoffs. This is experimental writing, pushing boundaries, and you've clearly got the skill to craft this experiment meticulously. I would not call it a successful one (clearly YMMV, e.g. >>Pearple_Prose), but the Writeoffs are a fantastic place to figure out what works and what doesn't, and I commend you for writing out to the edge.

Tier: Keep Developing

Whoa, I see what horizon was talking about. And, uh, great job covering everything I could think of, there man. Gee thanks...

"You will wake up now."

It's difficult to fully get up when it's this dark. Is it much too early in the morning, or far too late in the evening? All the nerves in the body suddenly stop, and go overflowing backwards.

Wow, welcome to the world of me getting up at 6 every morning.

This was just really difficult for me to understand what was happening. I think the first readthrough took me literally twice or three times as long than it usually does for other minifics, because I ended up reading nearly every sentence multiple times. I was actually talking aloud to myself, asking why everything was phrased so oddly until I realized the twist. But at that point, no matter how effective the payoff is, I think the price of admission was just way too high.

I do realize that I'm coming off as an idiot who just can't read/understand complex stories, but that is my honest reading experience. Subtlety is a sliding bar, and I do think the story's difficulty level just doesn't quite pay for itself right now.

The disassociative narration is neat, and while it's hard to follow that also makes sense given the mind mucking going on. Second person is really weird for me to follow to begin with though, and given the context it's even stranger since the person pony in question can only really be Lyra, not any sort of other "you."

But, I am notoriously daft sometimes, so grains of salt and all that. A worthwhile exercise no matter what.

Respect to my friends and colleagues, but I liked the perspective trickery. I'm sort of under the impression that the first half of the story is Lyra's direct POV, while the latter (where the second person kicks in) is the product of Chryssi's brainwashing. Ie., the "you" portions are her commanding Lyra to think, feel, believe, and accept this new reality that she's feeding her.

Which is chilling, to me.

No, I dig it (and you, author).