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Never Surrender
Shining Armor collected some snow from the cave floor and pressed it against his throbbing nose. The snow gradually changed from white to red, and he assumed that his fur was doing something similar.
“That hurt!” he scolded the darkness. But there was no reply.
Suddenly, the sound of hooves tapping against rock reached his ears. He jumped upright, reigniting his light spell and spinning around to locate the sound. It filtered in from around a rocky corner.
“Mr. Armor?” came a voice over the hooves. It was bright, young, and feminine. “Have you found him yet?”
“No, Nurse Crystalline,” Shining Armor sighed, relaxing. “He found me, though.”
Crystalline rounded the bend, her body glinting like a prism in Shining’s spell. “Goodness me!” she blurted.
“I’ll be fi—”
But the nurse ran past him, to a recently disturbed snowbank nearby. She picked up a tangled structure of skinny metal tubes—shaped in a tapered rectangular frame. A quartet of tennis balls were impaled on each of its legs.
“This is his walker!” the nurse fretted. “He can’t get anywhere without it!”
“Yeah?” Shining Armor tilted his head back, squinting. “Well, he throws it pretty hard.”
Crystalline placed her hooves on her temples. “I’m so sorry for all the trouble,” she said. “The reenactment was my idea…”
“Uh-huh,” Shining intoned entirely through his mouth. “Try bingo next time. It’s less emotional.”
“You’ve never seen him play bingo…”
From the darkness came the sound of pebbles falling down a rocky wall. “You ready to surrender yet?!” a gravelly voice boomed. “Or would ya like another walloping!?”
Shining's head dropped forward, lower than his shoulders. One at a time, he snorted dried blood out of each of his nostrils. “Alright, that’s enough of this… Onyx!” he boomed right back. “Come out here, now! The war is over! You—I mean, we won!”
Nurse Crystalline whispered, “He prefers Second Lieutenant O’Nova.”
Shining hissed, “We need him to stop preferring that.”
Onyx shouted again, his voice echoing so fiercely it sounded like he was everywhere. “Hah! You Sombra scum and your tricks! You won’t fool me!”
“Your family misses you!” Shining called. But then, that was only a guess. He’d never met the stallion’s family. And in the next moment, Onyx shrieked out the reason for this.
“Sombra killed my family!”
His voice reverberated all around like a lion's roar. Shining and Crystalline's light spells grew fainter.
Crystalline swallowed. “Onyx… come out, please. You’re just confused.”
“Sombra killed EVERYONE!”
When Onyx’s voice ceased echoing, silence enveloped the ghost from the past, as well his two worried pursuers. Shining half expected to hear sobbing coming from the old stallion’s location.
But instead there came more shouting: “I’ll fight ‘til my last breath! For the Empire! For Equestria! For the Princesses!”
Shining Armor frowned. Spinning on his hooves, he began retracing his steps back out of the cave.
“Where are you going?” Crystalline murmured. “We can’t just leave him here…”
Shining stopped momentarily. He closed his eyes and exhaled. “You stay and make sure he doesn’t go anywhere. I’m… going to see a friend of a friend of mine.”
Sombra's soldiers had been quiet for hours now. Too quiet. Second Lieutenant Onyx O'Nova thought he’d heard one of them leave, but Sombra’s soldiers were all tricks.
Onyx pressed himself against the cave wall, ignoring his shortening breath and his aching knees, hocks, and fetlocks. He tapped his hindlegs a couple times and found they were going numb. Hiding wasn’t going to work anymore. He didn’t have a weapon, and his magic wasn’t what it used to be, but he still had his dentures.
Shakily, he rose to his hooves. He groaned. Loud. Holding his breath, he froze in place.
It was too late. The light came closer. But more than that, it grew brighter. Larger. Hotter. The feeling returned to his body, and his heart quickened. From around the corner came three smiling ponies. A mare he recognized, a stallion he didn’t, and a princess he’d only seen in pictures.
“Second Lieutenant O’Nova,” Princess Celestia greeted, brightening the cave without a spell. “I understand you’ve been fighting bravely.”
“P—…Princess!” Onyx elated. He saluted as best he could, even if his unsteady hoof didn’t get quite as high anymore.
Celestia smiled. “Thanks to your efforts, the war is over. The Empire is safe. As is Equestria. As am I.”
She bent down and pulled the old stallion into the warmest embrace he’d ever felt. His eyes shimmered like lakes.
“That hurt!” he scolded the darkness. But there was no reply.
Suddenly, the sound of hooves tapping against rock reached his ears. He jumped upright, reigniting his light spell and spinning around to locate the sound. It filtered in from around a rocky corner.
“Mr. Armor?” came a voice over the hooves. It was bright, young, and feminine. “Have you found him yet?”
“No, Nurse Crystalline,” Shining Armor sighed, relaxing. “He found me, though.”
Crystalline rounded the bend, her body glinting like a prism in Shining’s spell. “Goodness me!” she blurted.
“I’ll be fi—”
But the nurse ran past him, to a recently disturbed snowbank nearby. She picked up a tangled structure of skinny metal tubes—shaped in a tapered rectangular frame. A quartet of tennis balls were impaled on each of its legs.
“This is his walker!” the nurse fretted. “He can’t get anywhere without it!”
“Yeah?” Shining Armor tilted his head back, squinting. “Well, he throws it pretty hard.”
Crystalline placed her hooves on her temples. “I’m so sorry for all the trouble,” she said. “The reenactment was my idea…”
“Uh-huh,” Shining intoned entirely through his mouth. “Try bingo next time. It’s less emotional.”
“You’ve never seen him play bingo…”
From the darkness came the sound of pebbles falling down a rocky wall. “You ready to surrender yet?!” a gravelly voice boomed. “Or would ya like another walloping!?”
Shining's head dropped forward, lower than his shoulders. One at a time, he snorted dried blood out of each of his nostrils. “Alright, that’s enough of this… Onyx!” he boomed right back. “Come out here, now! The war is over! You—I mean, we won!”
Nurse Crystalline whispered, “He prefers Second Lieutenant O’Nova.”
Shining hissed, “We need him to stop preferring that.”
Onyx shouted again, his voice echoing so fiercely it sounded like he was everywhere. “Hah! You Sombra scum and your tricks! You won’t fool me!”
“Your family misses you!” Shining called. But then, that was only a guess. He’d never met the stallion’s family. And in the next moment, Onyx shrieked out the reason for this.
“Sombra killed my family!”
His voice reverberated all around like a lion's roar. Shining and Crystalline's light spells grew fainter.
Crystalline swallowed. “Onyx… come out, please. You’re just confused.”
“Sombra killed EVERYONE!”
When Onyx’s voice ceased echoing, silence enveloped the ghost from the past, as well his two worried pursuers. Shining half expected to hear sobbing coming from the old stallion’s location.
But instead there came more shouting: “I’ll fight ‘til my last breath! For the Empire! For Equestria! For the Princesses!”
Shining Armor frowned. Spinning on his hooves, he began retracing his steps back out of the cave.
“Where are you going?” Crystalline murmured. “We can’t just leave him here…”
Shining stopped momentarily. He closed his eyes and exhaled. “You stay and make sure he doesn’t go anywhere. I’m… going to see a friend of a friend of mine.”
Sombra's soldiers had been quiet for hours now. Too quiet. Second Lieutenant Onyx O'Nova thought he’d heard one of them leave, but Sombra’s soldiers were all tricks.
Onyx pressed himself against the cave wall, ignoring his shortening breath and his aching knees, hocks, and fetlocks. He tapped his hindlegs a couple times and found they were going numb. Hiding wasn’t going to work anymore. He didn’t have a weapon, and his magic wasn’t what it used to be, but he still had his dentures.
Shakily, he rose to his hooves. He groaned. Loud. Holding his breath, he froze in place.
It was too late. The light came closer. But more than that, it grew brighter. Larger. Hotter. The feeling returned to his body, and his heart quickened. From around the corner came three smiling ponies. A mare he recognized, a stallion he didn’t, and a princess he’d only seen in pictures.
“Second Lieutenant O’Nova,” Princess Celestia greeted, brightening the cave without a spell. “I understand you’ve been fighting bravely.”
“P—…Princess!” Onyx elated. He saluted as best he could, even if his unsteady hoof didn’t get quite as high anymore.
Celestia smiled. “Thanks to your efforts, the war is over. The Empire is safe. As is Equestria. As am I.”
She bent down and pulled the old stallion into the warmest embrace he’d ever felt. His eyes shimmered like lakes.
This story has a bunch of tonal dissonance between the first half – which is a funny old coot chucking his walker at Shining Armor, which is funny, as is the situation itself, by and large, despite the awfulness of “his family is all dead” – and the second half, where Princess Celestia shows up and makes everything better.
It doesn’t really fit together tonally.
One thing I’d consider doing is deciding whether you want this to be funny or serious, and then trying to make it match up. If you’re going with serious, I’d probably consider having the whole thing in Onyx’s perspective. If you’re going with funny, I’d work on making Onyx’s internal voice funnier in the second half (and honestly, maybe still putting both halves in his voice, but making it silly instead of serious, with him obviously being a silly old coot).
It doesn’t really fit together tonally.
One thing I’d consider doing is deciding whether you want this to be funny or serious, and then trying to make it match up. If you’re going with serious, I’d probably consider having the whole thing in Onyx’s perspective. If you’re going with funny, I’d work on making Onyx’s internal voice funnier in the second half (and honestly, maybe still putting both halves in his voice, but making it silly instead of serious, with him obviously being a silly old coot).
I'll simply second what >>TitaniumDragon said. Despite the fact that each tone is in one half and the two are clearly split, it's very hard to fit two conflicting tones in such a short story.
Aside from that, the rest is quite solid, and it was an enjoyable read.
Aside from that, the rest is quite solid, and it was an enjoyable read.
Post by
Fenton
, deleted
This started out like a tragedy, then turned into comedy, then went back to sad, then went to... slice-of-life? Hero worship, maybe? It didn't quite know what it wanted to be, and without delving into why all this matters, it was hard to get too invested in Onyx. He yells that Sombra killed everyone, and that's definitely a sad thing, but it's also a generic thing. What does that mean to him specifically? We don't know whom he lost, under what circumstances, how many, what they meant to him. Or if you want this to be funny, go over the top instead of trying to pluck at the reader's heartstrings.
I can't say I'm even sure what happened. I think I gathered that they're participating in a war re-enactment, but if so, then why is he allowed to be part of it? This can't be the first time he's had this sort of PTSD flare-up, and by now, they should know this was a bad idea. Or even if he was just a spectator, it's not a good idea to let him see this.
There are just too many reactions you're trying to elicit from the reader here, and I think you'd do better to pick one and concentrate on it. Each part did its thing well--Shining's dialogue was good, and his comic response to Onyx was genuinely funny--but the whole was left feeling like a jumble.
I can't say I'm even sure what happened. I think I gathered that they're participating in a war re-enactment, but if so, then why is he allowed to be part of it? This can't be the first time he's had this sort of PTSD flare-up, and by now, they should know this was a bad idea. Or even if he was just a spectator, it's not a good idea to let him see this.
There are just too many reactions you're trying to elicit from the reader here, and I think you'd do better to pick one and concentrate on it. Each part did its thing well--Shining's dialogue was good, and his comic response to Onyx was genuinely funny--but the whole was left feeling like a jumble.
I agree with the others, the tone's all over the place here. It feels dark and serious, then the mention of the tennis balls on the walker.... it feels like it's supposed to be a funny twist, but instead of amusing me it makes me uncomfortable because I'm not sure what the story is expecting me to feel.
but more importantly...
A reference to Bingo, the title of another entry in this round.... which itself refers to 88.....
COINCIDENCE!!??!!?
but more importantly...
“Try bingo next time. It’s less emotional.”
A reference to Bingo, the title of another entry in this round.... which itself refers to 88.....
COINCIDENCE!!??!!?
I’m curious as to why you had Thorax (it could be any changeling, I suppose, but I’m guessing Thorax) impersonate Princess Celestia for the purposes of resolving this story, Writer. This seems like the sort of thing Celestia would happily take a break from her normal duties to address.
The only thing I can conjure is that Thorax is a lot closer to hoof than Celestia would be. Time is clearly a pressing issue, what with the veteran slowly freezing in snow-filled caves on the outskirts of Crystal Empire territory. The problem is that there doesn’t seem to be any other reason for Shining Armor to go out of his way to mention he’s going to “see a friend of a friend,” and there doesn’t seem to be any payoff other than the fact that Shining is resorting to underhanded subterfuge - the very tactic the soldier is accusing him of - to get him to surrender and come home. This is fine as a concept, but it needs a bit more emphasis than a single easy-to-miss comment to make sure your point is getting across. As it stands, this doesn't feel weighty enough.
The only thing I can conjure is that Thorax is a lot closer to hoof than Celestia would be. Time is clearly a pressing issue, what with the veteran slowly freezing in snow-filled caves on the outskirts of Crystal Empire territory. The problem is that there doesn’t seem to be any other reason for Shining Armor to go out of his way to mention he’s going to “see a friend of a friend,” and there doesn’t seem to be any payoff other than the fact that Shining is resorting to underhanded subterfuge - the very tactic the soldier is accusing him of - to get him to surrender and come home. This is fine as a concept, but it needs a bit more emphasis than a single easy-to-miss comment to make sure your point is getting across. As it stands, this doesn't feel weighty enough.
An old pony missing, as shining looks for him and a joke about playing bingo instead. We have another story, about an old pony actually playing bingo, and remembering shining armor. Either this prompt just hit the Zeitgeist or we've got an author overlap. (And as Haze points out, that refers to 88.)
As to the story itself... As others have pointed out, it's a bit scattered, unsure if it's funny or sad, or something else. We have too many PoVs, reducing the overall impact of what happens. On the surface level, it's an amusing, scene, and if it were in a season highlight reel, it could be a great moment, but we'd have to see the full moment first, not just this glimpse.
As to the story itself... As others have pointed out, it's a bit scattered, unsure if it's funny or sad, or something else. We have too many PoVs, reducing the overall impact of what happens. On the surface level, it's an amusing, scene, and if it were in a season highlight reel, it could be a great moment, but we'd have to see the full moment first, not just this glimpse.
>>TitaniumDragon
>>Fenton
>>Pascoite
>>Haze
>>Xepher
Sad trombone. I guess that'll teach me to try and do too many things in 750 words.
Now, I'm not usually one for correcting reader interpretation but... >>Icenrose... It was Celestia... I guess I should have had Shining say, "I have friends in high places"?
Thanks for the input and good luck to the finalists!
>>Fenton
>>Pascoite
>>Haze
>>Xepher
Sad trombone. I guess that'll teach me to try and do too many things in 750 words.
Now, I'm not usually one for correcting reader interpretation but... >>Icenrose... It was Celestia... I guess I should have had Shining say, "I have friends in high places"?
Thanks for the input and good luck to the finalists!