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Lunae Lumen
Something is ahoof.
It may very well be just me. It may be my paranoia. It may even be my own jealousy for my sister, but it cannot be dismissed. She is changing. For better, or for worse, I do not know yet, but it is something I can no longer ignore. I fear for her. Could it be her pride getting into the way, or could it be the very ponies we so dearly care for?
It started out small. Her favourite food. She would always order a small cake after dinner. Something to wash down the meal and something to savour. She doesn’t, anymore. Now, she asks for the latest in developments for treaties and negotiations for more land. She asks for the status of new settlements and subjects under her rule. She asks for the state of the nation.
I ask for the state of the citizens.
I love them so. They treasure the light they have in Celestia’s day, while they admire the stars I create at night. An equilibrium, of sorts. Though not everyone, yes, everyone, can withstand the travails and hardships of the waking hours, many still come out at night to watch the night sky. I especially love these beings the most. Ever so often, I would reward them with a beautiful shower of light, and I would relish their awe and wonder.
My sister, however; I have noticed she is more and more reluctant to give up her hours in the sky as the sun. She does not yield as willingly as she once did. More often, now, than not, I must relay to her the responsibility she bears in lowering the sun, as much as I do in lowering the moon.
Yea, she does brood like an owl in wait of prey. Could it be something I or one of our subjects had said that pesters her mind? She has grown more quiet than even I, and that sayeth something. The subjects I encounter seem to find me more and more amiable than the likes of Celestia, and that worries me greatly.
For if we, if I am more approachable than my sister, what else has changed? What else could be so vastly different than what was before? For I do know that I am more direct and honest in my proceedings, while Celestia is kinder and more open. Has she drawn into herself so much that even the citizens of Equestria find it more difficult to talk to her than I?
I do not know what this meaneth, but I do know something is coming, and I fear it may happen sometime soon. If it has anything to do with what is happening Celestia, I do not know either, but I do know I must tread carefully. If it does involve my sister, I have every reason to believe and act in a way that will ensure I do not incur what wrath she may be bottling up.
I may not admit it here and especially now, but I care for my sister. More than she would lead herself to believe. More than our subjects would be led to believe. A deception, and unintentional at that, but it is for the best. She truly is a superior ruler to me. Wiser. Older. I would not be well in a position of power to lead. She has a heart of gold.
But I fear that gold is tainting with every waking breath.
I pray her pride does not hinder her duty and love for Equestria, for I fear something has taken ahold of her heart. A creeping darkness in the glory of her light. Whatever it may be, it must be eradicated. It is the only way.
She comes.
It ails her in her dreams. It is poisoning her mind. It is deteriorating her will.
It disgusts me.
I sensed it, at first. It was the smallest thing. The darkness. I had felt it brewing. I knew my sister was changing, but not to this extent. My greatest fears have been realised. It is as I said.
Darkness.
A nightmare.
A nightmare, attacking the head of a powerful nation! And I, a co-ruler and sister to the one who needed me the most, walked on by as they were attacked night and day in my own realm!
Indeed, I despiseth this creature that has taken hold of my sister. It’s trickery has moulded her thinking. How could I have been so foolish? I saw all the signs! The weariness in her eyes. The burden seemingly placed on her back. The increasing selfishness and mistrust in her subjects, and most of all, me!
She looks at me with these eyes, she gazeth down upon me with, with… dare I say, hatred. But she holds back. She belays her tongue. Her voice is restrained. I can see the turmoil brewing within her eyes. The evil glint. Yet I see a spark. The tiniest of hopes. It cries to me for help. It pleads to me for redemption. It calls to me for salvation. My sister is still there.
What am I to do to save her? There is next to nothing, no experience, no weapon or tool I hold or know of that comes close to this magnitude. The only ability I could possibly think of using… but no, would it work? What are the odds I could destroy my sister and myself at the same time? Is it truly worth the risk?
Verily, thou must thinketh, what of the Elements of Harmony? Are they not useful? Would they not purge my sister of this wicked entity?
Nay, I cannot. If I were to try, my essence could very well be dispersed amongst the stars in an attempt to save my sister, and I gambleth everything here. I may not even be able to save my sister, and all hope for Equestria would be lost. My sister, however… she would be able to take the burden of all six. Even for a moment. Would it be enough?
If I could… I- I would wish for this to end. I would tell my sister to snap out of it and the nightmare would be banished, but alas… It pains me to see my sister suffer. Mayhaps the stars will hold the answers. I shall consult them.
The moon’s unblemished light waxes evermore.
Princess Luna, arraigned in her purest regalia and armed with her dream magic, stood in the doorway of her elder’s chambers. Her sister studied the twilight sky, smirking softly to herself. Luna could guess as to why, of course. The sun was three minutes behind schedule, and it remained above the horizon, lingering.
Luna knew it was time. It was here and now, or never. Either choice she made would decide the fate of Equestria, and she knew, both would change Equestria forever. There could be no hesitation.
“Why doth the sun remain, Sister?” Luna asked softy, not startling Celestia in the slightest. “Thou art always on time, even when we argue.”
“Argue?” Celestia said. “I always win.”
Luna pursed her lips. “You delay the inevitable. You must lower the sun.”
Celestia glanced back at her. “Who art thou to order thine elder around, Luna?”
“I do not. It is thine duty. I merely remind thee of this.”
“Hm, yes, a reminder, that your night is much more brilliant than my singular star in the sky.”
“We have our parts to play, Celestia,” Luna said. “Thine task, to warm and give light for life on the world, it is most important, but thou knowest the rules.”
“Why can’t my sun stay up a little longer, give it’s light a little more, then?” Celestia murmured. “Or art thou selfish enough to deny me this?”
“My pride means nothing in this conversation, Celestia. We must act our parts.”
At that, Celestia suddenly sneered and turned around, her eyes flickering dangerously. “Then act your part and obey your older sister.”
Blinking back a sudden wave of tears as she stared at her sister’s face, Luna locked her jaw. “Obeisance is only ever as good as the one who wields power.”
Celestia’s horn lit up. “Then thou must understand who is truly in charge.”
Yet Luna was ready, and before Celestia had her spell charged, Luna had shot a volley of spells into the chest of Celestia.
“Yield, sister!” Luna cried. “I come in peace! I only wish to heal thee-!”
“Lies!” Celestia cried, strapping her own regalia on and growling. “Thou wishest to overthrow me and take this land for thine own!” And before Luna could react, she found herself barrelling through several walls, getting buried under a pile of rubble.
The pile of rubble shifted as Celestia drew near, another spell at the ready. “And thus, we see who is truly superior.”
The rubble shifted, and Luna blasted the debris away from her. With a quick flash, Luna teleported behind Celestia and shot her in the back with a stunning spell. Celestia was quick to retaliate, however, even angrier than before.
Luna pleaded with Celestia. “Sister!” she cried. “Please! Thou art being used! Deceived! Manipulated-”
“By you, thou fiend!” Celestia yelled, throwing spell after spell, Luna fluttering quickly and dodging as many as she could. “Steal the throne! Traitor! Heretic! Thou wouldst have slain me in my chambers when thou hadst the chance!”
“If I were, I would’ve done so weeks ago!” Luna cried, and charged her horn. “I see now, I should’ve done more to help you. I ask you that you can forgive me, Celestia!”
“Forgive you?” Celestia laughed darkly, her own horn glowing madly. “Thine delusions are getting out of hoof, this ends now!”
“And so it does,” Luna whispered, sweat beading down her head. “Stars above, mother, help me, forgive me.”
Their two magics met, and a brilliant white light flashed, visible for miles upon miles with no end. They struggled against each other, furiously focusing as hard as they could to best the other in this duel of mana.
But Luna’s cause was nobler and purer. Her love for her sister was enough. With tears in her eyes, Luna pushed with all of her might, and with a shout she delved into the mind of Celestia.
There, Luna could see, the true extent of what was ailing Celestia.
The walls that Luna perceived were black, dark as the deepest abyss, and solid. The path was overgrown cobblestone, where weeds and thorns flourished. And at the end of the path, Celestia lay in chains, tattered.
“Celestia?” Luna asked tentatively.
Shaking her head, the Celestia in chains shook with a sob before going limp again.
“Celestia!” Luna ran up to the dream realm version of her sister, holding her head up as she noticed how broken she seemed to be. “By the gods, Celestia, what happened to thee?”
“L-Luna,” she pleaded. “Leave me. Destroy me. Don’t let me take power! I-I was not strong s-strong enough to fight it back. If you do not leave now, sh-she will come, and both of us will be lost!”
“The Nightmare?”
“D-Daybreaker.”
“It shall not come to that.”
Celestia, confused, looked up at her younger sister. “Luna, what art thou planning?”
“Thine rule has always been kinder than mine, Celestia,” Luna murmured. “Thou art wise beyond thy years. I, however, am yet but a younger sibling. And thou shouldst not worry about me anymore. Thou must attend to the heart of the ponies. To the people. Promise me thou will not fail to remember them first.”
“Luna, this is preposterous! The ponies, the people love you! Thou art adored! Do not mean to tell me-”
“Forgive me, Celestia.”
“Luna? Luna?! Luna! Don’t do it! I beg of thee! Please, please, sister! I would not be strong enough-”
“Let this be a reminder of your strength, and my love,” Luna whispered, and she lit her horn.
Immediately, the shadows shrieked. The darkness howled and they swirled around Luna, attacking her, biting at her, yelling at her. Luna growled and shouted, but did nothing to them. She kept calling upon the Nightmare, and the Nightmare came.
Soon enough, Celestia’s shackles broke, their essence joining the storm brewing above Luna.
Celestia tried to run up to Luna but her magic failed and the storm threw her like a ragdoll to the side, her dreamscape falling apart as Luna took in everything.
“Luna, no!” Celestia weeped. “Don’t take my sins! Don’t become her! Don’t let my failures be your downfall!”
“U-use the Elements!” Luna cried, “This N-Nightmare must be banished, o-only you have the strength to wield-”
“No!”
Sadly, Luna smiled at Celestia. “Hey,” she whispered painfully, as if a joke was being passed between them. “You win. Now, go save Equestria.”
And Luna disappeared, leaving Celestia alone.
Celestia couldn’t tell if she was crying or laughing, or maybe at the same time. It didn’t matter. Celestia knew that when she woke up, Luna would be waiting. And somehow, she knew, when the light would rest upon her… she would be beautiful. Regal. Powerful.
A Nightmare.
It may very well be just me. It may be my paranoia. It may even be my own jealousy for my sister, but it cannot be dismissed. She is changing. For better, or for worse, I do not know yet, but it is something I can no longer ignore. I fear for her. Could it be her pride getting into the way, or could it be the very ponies we so dearly care for?
It started out small. Her favourite food. She would always order a small cake after dinner. Something to wash down the meal and something to savour. She doesn’t, anymore. Now, she asks for the latest in developments for treaties and negotiations for more land. She asks for the status of new settlements and subjects under her rule. She asks for the state of the nation.
I ask for the state of the citizens.
I love them so. They treasure the light they have in Celestia’s day, while they admire the stars I create at night. An equilibrium, of sorts. Though not everyone, yes, everyone, can withstand the travails and hardships of the waking hours, many still come out at night to watch the night sky. I especially love these beings the most. Ever so often, I would reward them with a beautiful shower of light, and I would relish their awe and wonder.
My sister, however; I have noticed she is more and more reluctant to give up her hours in the sky as the sun. She does not yield as willingly as she once did. More often, now, than not, I must relay to her the responsibility she bears in lowering the sun, as much as I do in lowering the moon.
Yea, she does brood like an owl in wait of prey. Could it be something I or one of our subjects had said that pesters her mind? She has grown more quiet than even I, and that sayeth something. The subjects I encounter seem to find me more and more amiable than the likes of Celestia, and that worries me greatly.
For if we, if I am more approachable than my sister, what else has changed? What else could be so vastly different than what was before? For I do know that I am more direct and honest in my proceedings, while Celestia is kinder and more open. Has she drawn into herself so much that even the citizens of Equestria find it more difficult to talk to her than I?
I do not know what this meaneth, but I do know something is coming, and I fear it may happen sometime soon. If it has anything to do with what is happening Celestia, I do not know either, but I do know I must tread carefully. If it does involve my sister, I have every reason to believe and act in a way that will ensure I do not incur what wrath she may be bottling up.
I may not admit it here and especially now, but I care for my sister. More than she would lead herself to believe. More than our subjects would be led to believe. A deception, and unintentional at that, but it is for the best. She truly is a superior ruler to me. Wiser. Older. I would not be well in a position of power to lead. She has a heart of gold.
But I fear that gold is tainting with every waking breath.
I pray her pride does not hinder her duty and love for Equestria, for I fear something has taken ahold of her heart. A creeping darkness in the glory of her light. Whatever it may be, it must be eradicated. It is the only way.
She comes.
~ ~ ~
It ails her in her dreams. It is poisoning her mind. It is deteriorating her will.
It disgusts me.
I sensed it, at first. It was the smallest thing. The darkness. I had felt it brewing. I knew my sister was changing, but not to this extent. My greatest fears have been realised. It is as I said.
Darkness.
A nightmare.
A nightmare, attacking the head of a powerful nation! And I, a co-ruler and sister to the one who needed me the most, walked on by as they were attacked night and day in my own realm!
Indeed, I despiseth this creature that has taken hold of my sister. It’s trickery has moulded her thinking. How could I have been so foolish? I saw all the signs! The weariness in her eyes. The burden seemingly placed on her back. The increasing selfishness and mistrust in her subjects, and most of all, me!
She looks at me with these eyes, she gazeth down upon me with, with… dare I say, hatred. But she holds back. She belays her tongue. Her voice is restrained. I can see the turmoil brewing within her eyes. The evil glint. Yet I see a spark. The tiniest of hopes. It cries to me for help. It pleads to me for redemption. It calls to me for salvation. My sister is still there.
What am I to do to save her? There is next to nothing, no experience, no weapon or tool I hold or know of that comes close to this magnitude. The only ability I could possibly think of using… but no, would it work? What are the odds I could destroy my sister and myself at the same time? Is it truly worth the risk?
Verily, thou must thinketh, what of the Elements of Harmony? Are they not useful? Would they not purge my sister of this wicked entity?
Nay, I cannot. If I were to try, my essence could very well be dispersed amongst the stars in an attempt to save my sister, and I gambleth everything here. I may not even be able to save my sister, and all hope for Equestria would be lost. My sister, however… she would be able to take the burden of all six. Even for a moment. Would it be enough?
If I could… I- I would wish for this to end. I would tell my sister to snap out of it and the nightmare would be banished, but alas… It pains me to see my sister suffer. Mayhaps the stars will hold the answers. I shall consult them.
The moon’s unblemished light waxes evermore.
~ ~ ~
Princess Luna, arraigned in her purest regalia and armed with her dream magic, stood in the doorway of her elder’s chambers. Her sister studied the twilight sky, smirking softly to herself. Luna could guess as to why, of course. The sun was three minutes behind schedule, and it remained above the horizon, lingering.
Luna knew it was time. It was here and now, or never. Either choice she made would decide the fate of Equestria, and she knew, both would change Equestria forever. There could be no hesitation.
“Why doth the sun remain, Sister?” Luna asked softy, not startling Celestia in the slightest. “Thou art always on time, even when we argue.”
“Argue?” Celestia said. “I always win.”
Luna pursed her lips. “You delay the inevitable. You must lower the sun.”
Celestia glanced back at her. “Who art thou to order thine elder around, Luna?”
“I do not. It is thine duty. I merely remind thee of this.”
“Hm, yes, a reminder, that your night is much more brilliant than my singular star in the sky.”
“We have our parts to play, Celestia,” Luna said. “Thine task, to warm and give light for life on the world, it is most important, but thou knowest the rules.”
“Why can’t my sun stay up a little longer, give it’s light a little more, then?” Celestia murmured. “Or art thou selfish enough to deny me this?”
“My pride means nothing in this conversation, Celestia. We must act our parts.”
At that, Celestia suddenly sneered and turned around, her eyes flickering dangerously. “Then act your part and obey your older sister.”
Blinking back a sudden wave of tears as she stared at her sister’s face, Luna locked her jaw. “Obeisance is only ever as good as the one who wields power.”
Celestia’s horn lit up. “Then thou must understand who is truly in charge.”
Yet Luna was ready, and before Celestia had her spell charged, Luna had shot a volley of spells into the chest of Celestia.
“Yield, sister!” Luna cried. “I come in peace! I only wish to heal thee-!”
“Lies!” Celestia cried, strapping her own regalia on and growling. “Thou wishest to overthrow me and take this land for thine own!” And before Luna could react, she found herself barrelling through several walls, getting buried under a pile of rubble.
The pile of rubble shifted as Celestia drew near, another spell at the ready. “And thus, we see who is truly superior.”
The rubble shifted, and Luna blasted the debris away from her. With a quick flash, Luna teleported behind Celestia and shot her in the back with a stunning spell. Celestia was quick to retaliate, however, even angrier than before.
Luna pleaded with Celestia. “Sister!” she cried. “Please! Thou art being used! Deceived! Manipulated-”
“By you, thou fiend!” Celestia yelled, throwing spell after spell, Luna fluttering quickly and dodging as many as she could. “Steal the throne! Traitor! Heretic! Thou wouldst have slain me in my chambers when thou hadst the chance!”
“If I were, I would’ve done so weeks ago!” Luna cried, and charged her horn. “I see now, I should’ve done more to help you. I ask you that you can forgive me, Celestia!”
“Forgive you?” Celestia laughed darkly, her own horn glowing madly. “Thine delusions are getting out of hoof, this ends now!”
“And so it does,” Luna whispered, sweat beading down her head. “Stars above, mother, help me, forgive me.”
Their two magics met, and a brilliant white light flashed, visible for miles upon miles with no end. They struggled against each other, furiously focusing as hard as they could to best the other in this duel of mana.
But Luna’s cause was nobler and purer. Her love for her sister was enough. With tears in her eyes, Luna pushed with all of her might, and with a shout she delved into the mind of Celestia.
There, Luna could see, the true extent of what was ailing Celestia.
The walls that Luna perceived were black, dark as the deepest abyss, and solid. The path was overgrown cobblestone, where weeds and thorns flourished. And at the end of the path, Celestia lay in chains, tattered.
“Celestia?” Luna asked tentatively.
Shaking her head, the Celestia in chains shook with a sob before going limp again.
“Celestia!” Luna ran up to the dream realm version of her sister, holding her head up as she noticed how broken she seemed to be. “By the gods, Celestia, what happened to thee?”
“L-Luna,” she pleaded. “Leave me. Destroy me. Don’t let me take power! I-I was not strong s-strong enough to fight it back. If you do not leave now, sh-she will come, and both of us will be lost!”
“The Nightmare?”
“D-Daybreaker.”
“It shall not come to that.”
Celestia, confused, looked up at her younger sister. “Luna, what art thou planning?”
“Thine rule has always been kinder than mine, Celestia,” Luna murmured. “Thou art wise beyond thy years. I, however, am yet but a younger sibling. And thou shouldst not worry about me anymore. Thou must attend to the heart of the ponies. To the people. Promise me thou will not fail to remember them first.”
“Luna, this is preposterous! The ponies, the people love you! Thou art adored! Do not mean to tell me-”
“Forgive me, Celestia.”
“Luna? Luna?! Luna! Don’t do it! I beg of thee! Please, please, sister! I would not be strong enough-”
“Let this be a reminder of your strength, and my love,” Luna whispered, and she lit her horn.
Immediately, the shadows shrieked. The darkness howled and they swirled around Luna, attacking her, biting at her, yelling at her. Luna growled and shouted, but did nothing to them. She kept calling upon the Nightmare, and the Nightmare came.
Soon enough, Celestia’s shackles broke, their essence joining the storm brewing above Luna.
Celestia tried to run up to Luna but her magic failed and the storm threw her like a ragdoll to the side, her dreamscape falling apart as Luna took in everything.
“Luna, no!” Celestia weeped. “Don’t take my sins! Don’t become her! Don’t let my failures be your downfall!”
“U-use the Elements!” Luna cried, “This N-Nightmare must be banished, o-only you have the strength to wield-”
“No!”
Sadly, Luna smiled at Celestia. “Hey,” she whispered painfully, as if a joke was being passed between them. “You win. Now, go save Equestria.”
And Luna disappeared, leaving Celestia alone.
Celestia couldn’t tell if she was crying or laughing, or maybe at the same time. It didn’t matter. Celestia knew that when she woke up, Luna would be waiting. And somehow, she knew, when the light would rest upon her… she would be beautiful. Regal. Powerful.
A Nightmare.
Trying hard for poetic language here to start, but some weird slips of grammar. Not sure if intentional "archaeic" language, or ESL author.
Slow start, but painting a picture here. Expecting Daybreaker.
Suspecting faux-archaeic on the language, and it's becoming distracting. A little bit because of minor slips in accuracy (per my viewpoint) but moreso due to the way the needlessly flowerly prose is delaying the reveal. We get it, something is wrong with Celestia, but we knew that in the first paragraph. A full page later and nothing new is revealed.
The language is getting REALLY distracting now. "Verily, thou must thinketh" which is like 3/4 "archaeic" but later on the same line. "Would they not purge my sister of this wicked entity?" instead of the obvious "Wouldst" and "wicked spirit."
Okay, now... we jump to third person halfway through? And the archaeic is dropped.
"Luna knew it was time. It was here and now, or never. ... There could be no hesitation." This literally repeats the same information three times, practically the definition of "hesitation."
“D-Daybreaker.” Called it!
“Hey,” she whispered painfully, as if a joke was being passed between them. “You win. Now, go save Equestria.” All modern english now?
Wow, okay, so... this story is a bit of a one trick pony. 95% of it was literally obvious from the first paragraph. The twist at the end, while interesting, doesn't justify the length of this tale, nor the needlessly difficult linguistics.
That said, I do LIKE the twist. The basic premise here is wonderful, that it was Celestia falling, and Luna-as-sin-eater that led to the Nightmare and the story we all know. That's got some major power to it. But as written, this story spends all its time retreading obvious things, adding very little impact to the big reveal.
So, A++ for the concept, but I'm afraid it's a rather low score from me as the story sits currently.
Slow start, but painting a picture here. Expecting Daybreaker.
Suspecting faux-archaeic on the language, and it's becoming distracting. A little bit because of minor slips in accuracy (per my viewpoint) but moreso due to the way the needlessly flowerly prose is delaying the reveal. We get it, something is wrong with Celestia, but we knew that in the first paragraph. A full page later and nothing new is revealed.
The language is getting REALLY distracting now. "Verily, thou must thinketh" which is like 3/4 "archaeic" but later on the same line. "Would they not purge my sister of this wicked entity?" instead of the obvious "Wouldst" and "wicked spirit."
Okay, now... we jump to third person halfway through? And the archaeic is dropped.
"Luna knew it was time. It was here and now, or never. ... There could be no hesitation." This literally repeats the same information three times, practically the definition of "hesitation."
“D-Daybreaker.” Called it!
“Hey,” she whispered painfully, as if a joke was being passed between them. “You win. Now, go save Equestria.” All modern english now?
Wow, okay, so... this story is a bit of a one trick pony. 95% of it was literally obvious from the first paragraph. The twist at the end, while interesting, doesn't justify the length of this tale, nor the needlessly difficult linguistics.
That said, I do LIKE the twist. The basic premise here is wonderful, that it was Celestia falling, and Luna-as-sin-eater that led to the Nightmare and the story we all know. That's got some major power to it. But as written, this story spends all its time retreading obvious things, adding very little impact to the big reveal.
So, A++ for the concept, but I'm afraid it's a rather low score from me as the story sits currently.
You've got a lot of power packed in little over 2k words, so kudos for that. I must agree with >>Xepher in that the first section could have used some work. It clashes stylistically with the rest of the story, which I really enjoyed.
I also agree that the resolution lacks some impact, not only because, it's a foregone conclusion the moment you realise what's happening, but because you never dwelled too much on Luna's feelings once you were done with the beginning, it lacks that extra oomph to make the ending connect.
Still, you did amazingly with what you've got, and I'd love to see a polished version.
I also agree that the resolution lacks some impact, not only because, it's a foregone conclusion the moment you realise what's happening, but because you never dwelled too much on Luna's feelings once you were done with the beginning, it lacks that extra oomph to make the ending connect.
Still, you did amazingly with what you've got, and I'd love to see a polished version.
Something about the title caught my eye, and that's a big portion of getting someone to read your story. I also saw >>Xepher review that said it got archaic language wrong. That's one of the quickest ways for an author to lose me, but Xepher only copies out a couple examples, and one of them is wrong:
"Wouldst" goes with "thou." "Would" is the proper conjugation for "they." So is Xepher being fair? "Thou must thinketh" is a pretty egregious fail, so there probably is some work to be done here. Might as well have a look.
>Has she drawn into herself
Hath she
>it may happen
it mayeth
>If it has anything to do
it hath
>If it does involve my sister
it doth
>She has a heart of gold.
She hath
>her pride does not hinder her duty
pride doth
>She comes.
She cometh.
That's all from the first scene. Authors, if you're going to try using archaic language, please do your homework and learn how. Getting it right can lend a nice atmosphere to a story, and the occasional slip can be excusable, especially when you barely have time to edit, but when you mostly get it wrong, you're shooting yourself in the foot. I'm reminded of a story from the previous round where Cassius, among others, said there's no way the procedural legal stuff would happen that way. For people who don't know, they can gloss over it, but for people who do, it can ruin the story for them. So just like if you were writing a medical drama and needed to research how things happen in an emergency room so you can do an authentic portrayal of it, please give equal care to writing in this style if you want to do a convincing job. You also need to learn when to use "thine." You use it almost exclusively, but it more often should be "thy."
And a bit later on, there's a "mayhaps." People confuse this with the much-more-common "perhaps" in how it's spelled, but this isn't a word. It's "mayhap." There are some other editing errors around, but overall, not too bad.
So as I said, the title drew me in, and that's unusual. Different strokes for different folks, but I usually can't stand foreign-language titles. Many readers won't know what they mean, and most of those aren't going to bother looking them up, so you've lost an opportunity for a hook. Anything to make the reader decide the title is worth a glance over your synopsis, which of course we don't have here. But what little Latin I know (which isn't enough to decide whether this title is written correctly) makes me think this means something like "light of the moon," and I love a good Luna story.
How about the story, then? I agree with Xepher that the ending is telegraphed from right at the beginning. I don't think this is going to surprise anyone, so why bother holding it as a surprise? Luna must have had her suspicions from the start, so go ahead and have her voice them.
That start, though. Everyone so far has said it doesn't match well with the rest, and we're in agreement on that, too. The way it's structured, it feels like Luna has an audience. Not that it's necessarily worded like that--it could still plausibly be her musing to herself. I've started a story like this as well (not a good one, to be sure, but this wasn't one of its problems), but the difference is that the character was confined in a sensory-deprived state, where he had no interaction with the outside world. This feels so detached that it creates that sense for me. Luna's somewhere, though. She's sitting around, thinking all this to herself, and an unbroken monologue isn't the most enticing first foot to set forward. To me, at least, it would help if we saw her in a setting, noticing things around her, especially details that can be symbolic or thematic to the story. That brings her alive, makes this something more anchored in what's actually happening in the story, and connects it better with the active later scenes.
And in the second scene, she explicitly addresses an audience which requires a lot more of the story that you probably don't want to deal with. Don't do this lightly. Now it's just hanging there like a lead weight. Who is her audience? Why are they there? Why does she want to tell this specific audience this specific story? Unless you're prepared to answer questions like that, it's best to avoid it altogether.
Ignoring the audience bit, part of this inner monologue is a perception of it against the whole. It might be easier to get away with this if it's only a few hundred words out of tens of thousands, but when it's a significant portion of the story, it needs to carry proportional weight, and it more stands out as the bit that doesn't fit in so well. The second scene is more of the same, and I'm not sure they need to be separate scenes. But when you spend half your story getting to any action, it does make things feel unbalanced, like maybe you either should have gotten to the action far sooner or just made the entire thing a philosophical piece.
Now halfway through, we get to action. But why do you change it to third person? At least it's a limited third person, so you're still close to Luna, but I don't see the advantage of that at all, and going to past tense removes the immediacy you'd generated. You spent the first part building up this very personal view of Luna only to wedge in a ton of distance when the interesting things start to happen. That de-personalizes the latter half of the story for me. There's really only one thing you couldn't have done while leaving this in first person, and that's having the camera stay behind after Luna's gone, but with a minor tweak, that's easy to work around. Luna can hear the cry as she disappears, and just end it there.
Hm, then we don't get Celestia's expectation of what happens next. Maybe you'd consider using Celestia as your viewpoint character for the entire scene, or make a smooth slide over to her at some point? There are actually a lot of ways you could go. Those first couple scenes could be Celestia as an unreliable narrator. Eh, you've gotta write your story. These are just some idle suggestions.
And that action scene's not bad! We do have a bit of strange timing. Celestia's been attacked, but then calmly takes the time to put on her gear, and yet Luna's taken by surprise when Celestia does counter, when she'd had ample time to prepare and had to assume it'd happen. Watch the perspective here, though. How would Luna know the blast was visible for miles, and why would she even be thinking that at the moment?
The ending confuses me a bit. However, canon is inconsistent as well. In the original, Luna became the nightmare because she was convinced by it and actually believed those things. Later on, both nightmare versions were more like detached, separate entities, but only in the dream realm, which didn't have them actually turning into these things in the waking world. YMMV here, but such a stark difference between "Celestia has been overwhelmed by Daybreaker and exists in her pure form in her mind" and "Celestia has been corrupted by Daybreaker, but her mental self is more open to being won back" can mean a lot to the story. The latter is more of a tragic tale. As many have noted in the past, the whole Nightmare Moon thing loses some of its punch if Luna bears absolutely no personal responsibility for it. Xepher seems to think this story is about how Nightmare Moon came to be in its original incarnation, but I'm not so sure. In the episode where we met Daybreaker, Luna didn't act like that was familiar to her, plus Luna musing on Celestia's ability to use the Elements suggests knowledge from her prior banishment, so this sounds to me like it happens after all that. If you get enough of a differing opinion from readers on this, you might need to make it clearer.
All that sounds pretty negative, huh? This wasn't a bad story, and as I said, once you got to the action, it was more engaging (and by "action," I mean seeing things happen live, not necessarily the fight). And you've made an effective open ending, something not all that many authors do well. It's not just "I don't know what will happen next," but "I know the possible paths this could take, and I know the stakes and consequences of each." So, good job with that.
"Would they not purge my sister of this wicked entity?" instead of the obvious "Wouldst" and "wicked spirit."
"Wouldst" goes with "thou." "Would" is the proper conjugation for "they." So is Xepher being fair? "Thou must thinketh" is a pretty egregious fail, so there probably is some work to be done here. Might as well have a look.
>Has she drawn into herself
Hath she
>it may happen
it mayeth
>If it has anything to do
it hath
>If it does involve my sister
it doth
>She has a heart of gold.
She hath
>her pride does not hinder her duty
pride doth
>She comes.
She cometh.
That's all from the first scene. Authors, if you're going to try using archaic language, please do your homework and learn how. Getting it right can lend a nice atmosphere to a story, and the occasional slip can be excusable, especially when you barely have time to edit, but when you mostly get it wrong, you're shooting yourself in the foot. I'm reminded of a story from the previous round where Cassius, among others, said there's no way the procedural legal stuff would happen that way. For people who don't know, they can gloss over it, but for people who do, it can ruin the story for them. So just like if you were writing a medical drama and needed to research how things happen in an emergency room so you can do an authentic portrayal of it, please give equal care to writing in this style if you want to do a convincing job. You also need to learn when to use "thine." You use it almost exclusively, but it more often should be "thy."
And a bit later on, there's a "mayhaps." People confuse this with the much-more-common "perhaps" in how it's spelled, but this isn't a word. It's "mayhap." There are some other editing errors around, but overall, not too bad.
So as I said, the title drew me in, and that's unusual. Different strokes for different folks, but I usually can't stand foreign-language titles. Many readers won't know what they mean, and most of those aren't going to bother looking them up, so you've lost an opportunity for a hook. Anything to make the reader decide the title is worth a glance over your synopsis, which of course we don't have here. But what little Latin I know (which isn't enough to decide whether this title is written correctly) makes me think this means something like "light of the moon," and I love a good Luna story.
How about the story, then? I agree with Xepher that the ending is telegraphed from right at the beginning. I don't think this is going to surprise anyone, so why bother holding it as a surprise? Luna must have had her suspicions from the start, so go ahead and have her voice them.
That start, though. Everyone so far has said it doesn't match well with the rest, and we're in agreement on that, too. The way it's structured, it feels like Luna has an audience. Not that it's necessarily worded like that--it could still plausibly be her musing to herself. I've started a story like this as well (not a good one, to be sure, but this wasn't one of its problems), but the difference is that the character was confined in a sensory-deprived state, where he had no interaction with the outside world. This feels so detached that it creates that sense for me. Luna's somewhere, though. She's sitting around, thinking all this to herself, and an unbroken monologue isn't the most enticing first foot to set forward. To me, at least, it would help if we saw her in a setting, noticing things around her, especially details that can be symbolic or thematic to the story. That brings her alive, makes this something more anchored in what's actually happening in the story, and connects it better with the active later scenes.
And in the second scene, she explicitly addresses an audience which requires a lot more of the story that you probably don't want to deal with. Don't do this lightly. Now it's just hanging there like a lead weight. Who is her audience? Why are they there? Why does she want to tell this specific audience this specific story? Unless you're prepared to answer questions like that, it's best to avoid it altogether.
Ignoring the audience bit, part of this inner monologue is a perception of it against the whole. It might be easier to get away with this if it's only a few hundred words out of tens of thousands, but when it's a significant portion of the story, it needs to carry proportional weight, and it more stands out as the bit that doesn't fit in so well. The second scene is more of the same, and I'm not sure they need to be separate scenes. But when you spend half your story getting to any action, it does make things feel unbalanced, like maybe you either should have gotten to the action far sooner or just made the entire thing a philosophical piece.
Now halfway through, we get to action. But why do you change it to third person? At least it's a limited third person, so you're still close to Luna, but I don't see the advantage of that at all, and going to past tense removes the immediacy you'd generated. You spent the first part building up this very personal view of Luna only to wedge in a ton of distance when the interesting things start to happen. That de-personalizes the latter half of the story for me. There's really only one thing you couldn't have done while leaving this in first person, and that's having the camera stay behind after Luna's gone, but with a minor tweak, that's easy to work around. Luna can hear the cry as she disappears, and just end it there.
Hm, then we don't get Celestia's expectation of what happens next. Maybe you'd consider using Celestia as your viewpoint character for the entire scene, or make a smooth slide over to her at some point? There are actually a lot of ways you could go. Those first couple scenes could be Celestia as an unreliable narrator. Eh, you've gotta write your story. These are just some idle suggestions.
And that action scene's not bad! We do have a bit of strange timing. Celestia's been attacked, but then calmly takes the time to put on her gear, and yet Luna's taken by surprise when Celestia does counter, when she'd had ample time to prepare and had to assume it'd happen. Watch the perspective here, though. How would Luna know the blast was visible for miles, and why would she even be thinking that at the moment?
The ending confuses me a bit. However, canon is inconsistent as well. In the original, Luna became the nightmare because she was convinced by it and actually believed those things. Later on, both nightmare versions were more like detached, separate entities, but only in the dream realm, which didn't have them actually turning into these things in the waking world. YMMV here, but such a stark difference between "Celestia has been overwhelmed by Daybreaker and exists in her pure form in her mind" and "Celestia has been corrupted by Daybreaker, but her mental self is more open to being won back" can mean a lot to the story. The latter is more of a tragic tale. As many have noted in the past, the whole Nightmare Moon thing loses some of its punch if Luna bears absolutely no personal responsibility for it. Xepher seems to think this story is about how Nightmare Moon came to be in its original incarnation, but I'm not so sure. In the episode where we met Daybreaker, Luna didn't act like that was familiar to her, plus Luna musing on Celestia's ability to use the Elements suggests knowledge from her prior banishment, so this sounds to me like it happens after all that. If you get enough of a differing opinion from readers on this, you might need to make it clearer.
All that sounds pretty negative, huh? This wasn't a bad story, and as I said, once you got to the action, it was more engaging (and by "action," I mean seeing things happen live, not necessarily the fight). And you've made an effective open ending, something not all that many authors do well. It's not just "I don't know what will happen next," but "I know the possible paths this could take, and I know the stakes and consequences of each." So, good job with that.
Genre: Moonlighting
Thoughts: This story offers a curious juxtaposition from deft turns of phrase that aren't always moored to a strong narrative. Consider the very cool first line. It's vague but charming and you support it well with what comes immediately after. It's the hookiest hook in the Writeoff. Consider also the “she comes” line at the end of the opener. It's a quick but strong way of further setting the hook.
The bit in between those hooky lines is more uneven IMO, and is representative of some funkiness throughout. It's generally clean from a spelling/grammar perspective, though others have called out some dubious thee-thou-isms. But I find myself wanting more of a narrative context to frame that beginning part in, especially because the story switches from this almost epistolary opener to a more typical live-action approach later. That jump just sort of happens without a real bridge between the two parts, which ends up leaving the beginning feeling like a bit of an in-character info-dump to me.
But there's beauty in the language that this uses, and it isn't fully overshadowed by the rest.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: This story offers a curious juxtaposition from deft turns of phrase that aren't always moored to a strong narrative. Consider the very cool first line. It's vague but charming and you support it well with what comes immediately after. It's the hookiest hook in the Writeoff. Consider also the “she comes” line at the end of the opener. It's a quick but strong way of further setting the hook.
The bit in between those hooky lines is more uneven IMO, and is representative of some funkiness throughout. It's generally clean from a spelling/grammar perspective, though others have called out some dubious thee-thou-isms. But I find myself wanting more of a narrative context to frame that beginning part in, especially because the story switches from this almost epistolary opener to a more typical live-action approach later. That jump just sort of happens without a real bridge between the two parts, which ends up leaving the beginning feeling like a bit of an in-character info-dump to me.
But there's beauty in the language that this uses, and it isn't fully overshadowed by the rest.
Tier: Keep Developing