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Grand Finale
In a suburban garage, air vibrating with anticipation and a blaring techno rendition of "Winter Wrap-Up", a roomful of fretful eyes stared at the clock.
"Fifty-nine... fifty-eight... fifty-seven..." went the people's trembling whisper as they tracked the agonizingly slow seconds hand. Drinks sloshed quietly as wineglasses quaked in sweat-slick hands. A middle-aged woman at the table scribbled furiously in her notebook, hurriedly trying to figure out the right body shape for her coming pony-sona.
There was a collective gasp as the seconds hand reached the top. Having been set up carefully to end right at this second, the techno beat cut out.
Midnight.
October 10, 2020 was over. And yet they all were still there--bipedal and hoofless. A few people opened the garage door and looked out hopefully into the night, but the surroundings still did not resemble paradisial Equestria in the slightest.
"Anything online?" someone asked. A few smartphone screens went aglow, but furious scrolling of Twitter timelines revealed nothing unusual happening around the world.
The tenth anniversary of the MLP:FiM premiere came and went, and yet the Raponyture had not arrived to claim Celestia's Foals.
A few spasmatic breaths were audible in the great silence. A couple of the Foals, more worried than most, thought about the friends and family members they had alienated in preparation for this day. In the corner, a trio were quietly expressing their sorrow in the best way they knew how: a whispered rendition of "What My Cutie Mark is Telling Me."
The Foals looked worriedly at their guru -- a portly, bespectacled man with a shirt adorned by a Rainbow Dash. He seemed the most perplexed of all. He blinked a few times, looked out the garage door, then, in deep thought, walked up to the computer and turned on a quiet, calm cover of "So Many Wonders".
He turned around and, his arms held out like a preacher's, said: "Guys. I just know what went wrong. We were thinking in the wrong terms!" The audience, breaths held, hung on his words. "We are waiting for the anniversary, but not this anniversary. May the sixth! Year twenty-eleven! Remember that?"
A few members piped up: "The Best Night Ever premiere!"
"Exactly," the leader said like a satisfied teacher. "Do you remember these days? The younger of us may not, but I do. The end of Season One. The crushing feeling that it's over, and that we are now facing a lonely, ponyless existence, until Season Two... Yes, do you not see how it makes sense? It was on that day that the longing began, and thus it will be on this same date it will be satisfied!"
With ever rising enthusiasm, he continued in the most stentorian tones he could muster: "The beginning of Season One symbolized just that... Its anniversary today is the beginning of our final stay on Earth... And the Raponyture will take place on the anniversary of the end of Season One, May the sixth!"
There was a silence, and then a raising of arms and a cheerful whoop from the gathered congregation--not all of them, but enough to make one trust it had to be true if so many people believed it.
"On May the sixth," the guru said, with dreamy eyes, "I will be a pegasus. If any of you has designs on Rainbow Dash... well, I suggest you make your move quick."
"I will be Princess Luna's most faithful guard," a sickly college student said with conviction.
"May the Sixth!," someone shouted.
"The Best Night Ever!," a woman exclaimed. "Lose not your tickets, for on May the Sixth we shall rejoice!"
They have never felt more solid in their conviction. And so rose the wave, louder and louder, more passionate voices joining with each repetition: "At the Gala... At the Gala... At the Gala, tonight!"
"Fifty-nine... fifty-eight... fifty-seven..." went the people's trembling whisper as they tracked the agonizingly slow seconds hand. Drinks sloshed quietly as wineglasses quaked in sweat-slick hands. A middle-aged woman at the table scribbled furiously in her notebook, hurriedly trying to figure out the right body shape for her coming pony-sona.
There was a collective gasp as the seconds hand reached the top. Having been set up carefully to end right at this second, the techno beat cut out.
Midnight.
October 10, 2020 was over. And yet they all were still there--bipedal and hoofless. A few people opened the garage door and looked out hopefully into the night, but the surroundings still did not resemble paradisial Equestria in the slightest.
"Anything online?" someone asked. A few smartphone screens went aglow, but furious scrolling of Twitter timelines revealed nothing unusual happening around the world.
The tenth anniversary of the MLP:FiM premiere came and went, and yet the Raponyture had not arrived to claim Celestia's Foals.
A few spasmatic breaths were audible in the great silence. A couple of the Foals, more worried than most, thought about the friends and family members they had alienated in preparation for this day. In the corner, a trio were quietly expressing their sorrow in the best way they knew how: a whispered rendition of "What My Cutie Mark is Telling Me."
The Foals looked worriedly at their guru -- a portly, bespectacled man with a shirt adorned by a Rainbow Dash. He seemed the most perplexed of all. He blinked a few times, looked out the garage door, then, in deep thought, walked up to the computer and turned on a quiet, calm cover of "So Many Wonders".
He turned around and, his arms held out like a preacher's, said: "Guys. I just know what went wrong. We were thinking in the wrong terms!" The audience, breaths held, hung on his words. "We are waiting for the anniversary, but not this anniversary. May the sixth! Year twenty-eleven! Remember that?"
A few members piped up: "The Best Night Ever premiere!"
"Exactly," the leader said like a satisfied teacher. "Do you remember these days? The younger of us may not, but I do. The end of Season One. The crushing feeling that it's over, and that we are now facing a lonely, ponyless existence, until Season Two... Yes, do you not see how it makes sense? It was on that day that the longing began, and thus it will be on this same date it will be satisfied!"
With ever rising enthusiasm, he continued in the most stentorian tones he could muster: "The beginning of Season One symbolized just that... Its anniversary today is the beginning of our final stay on Earth... And the Raponyture will take place on the anniversary of the end of Season One, May the sixth!"
There was a silence, and then a raising of arms and a cheerful whoop from the gathered congregation--not all of them, but enough to make one trust it had to be true if so many people believed it.
"On May the sixth," the guru said, with dreamy eyes, "I will be a pegasus. If any of you has designs on Rainbow Dash... well, I suggest you make your move quick."
"I will be Princess Luna's most faithful guard," a sickly college student said with conviction.
"May the Sixth!," someone shouted.
"The Best Night Ever!," a woman exclaimed. "Lose not your tickets, for on May the Sixth we shall rejoice!"
They have never felt more solid in their conviction. And so rose the wave, louder and louder, more passionate voices joining with each repetition: "At the Gala... At the Gala... At the Gala, tonight!"
This feels more vignette than story to me, which is kinda odd, given that it does have a fairly clear arc; disappointment -> confusion -> excitement? The thing is, the ending was quite clear, so my mood never really changed from 'cringe' the entire time.
Not really sure what you intended with this. If you wanted to make me vaguely uncomfortable, I guess it worked. It's definitely a tight piece; the descriptions are crisp and clear, the setting is sketched brightly, the dialogue is focused, but I just don't feel like it really goes anywhere, I guess.
Maybe that's sorta the point? If so, that's cute, but… eh. I like progression.
Not really sure what you intended with this. If you wanted to make me vaguely uncomfortable, I guess it worked. It's definitely a tight piece; the descriptions are crisp and clear, the setting is sketched brightly, the dialogue is focused, but I just don't feel like it really goes anywhere, I guess.
Maybe that's sorta the point? If so, that's cute, but… eh. I like progression.
Same as >>Not_A_Hat, with the additionnal reflexion (but same) that this story doesn't really do much with the devoted fans it portrays. They aren't fully mocked, nor redeemed; which might be a bit hard to do in 750 words when I think about it.
>>Not_A_Hat
The Elements of Cringe!
But yes, while the execution here was technically competent, I didn't really see what the point of this story was. It made me vaguely uncomfortable, but it didn't seem to have much to say. Crazy people are crazy and lie to themselves, sure. But where is this going?
This feels more vignette than story to me, which is kinda odd, given that it does have a fairly clear arc; disappointment -> confusion -> excitement? The thing is, the ending was quite clear, so my mood never really changed from 'cringe' the entire time.
The Elements of Cringe!
But yes, while the execution here was technically competent, I didn't really see what the point of this story was. It made me vaguely uncomfortable, but it didn't seem to have much to say. Crazy people are crazy and lie to themselves, sure. But where is this going?
Genre: Waiting For Ponot
Thoughts: This is entirely functional as a scene. As a story, though, I find myself wanting more conflict, change, or background. Why do these people believe the guy? What have they gone through as part of this? Surely there's some measure of doubt or dissent--even in the guy's own head?
Again, this is extremely functional as a recounting of stuff happening. It's just not as fully-fleshed as it could be.
Tier: Keep Developing
Thoughts: This is entirely functional as a scene. As a story, though, I find myself wanting more conflict, change, or background. Why do these people believe the guy? What have they gone through as part of this? Surely there's some measure of doubt or dissent--even in the guy's own head?
Again, this is extremely functional as a recounting of stuff happening. It's just not as fully-fleshed as it could be.
Tier: Keep Developing
>>GaPJaxie
It's a satirical take on end-of-the-world cultism with MLP as the driving metaphor. It's pretty good for what it is. I don't know that it necessarily needs to go anywhere else; it feels pretty complete to me.
I guess if I had to criticize, I'd say that it doesn't feel very timely? All the big "end of the world" crazes kinda came and went a few years ago. Unless there's one I don't know about.
But yes, while the execution here was technically competent, I didn't really see what the point of this story was. It made me vaguely uncomfortable, but it didn't seem to have much to say. Crazy people are crazy and lie to themselves, sure. But where is this going?
It's a satirical take on end-of-the-world cultism with MLP as the driving metaphor. It's pretty good for what it is. I don't know that it necessarily needs to go anywhere else; it feels pretty complete to me.
I guess if I had to criticize, I'd say that it doesn't feel very timely? All the big "end of the world" crazes kinda came and went a few years ago. Unless there's one I don't know about.