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The Calm Before The Storm
Isn’t it funny how much one action can change the whole world?
Or at least, the world you’ve built up around you.
Sometimes it can be the simplest thing. A ball. A horn. Even a laugh. And sometimes, it can be something you couldn’t predict in a million years. Something like a helping hoof from the one pony who had every reason to hate me. The one pony whose nation I overtook in a matter of minutes—the one pony who helped me when nopony else would.
Twilight Sparkle.
Just thinking of the name troubles my mind, as it conflicts with everything I’ve come to know. To never open myself up to others. To use others for my own gain. To never help anypony but myself. It’s always been about me, all because I had thought no one cared enough to think about others—to think about me.
I mean, look at me. As I look into this cracked stained glass window, all I can see is a shattered image of a broken pony with a broken horn and a scar running down the length of her right eye. A scary malevolent force of will that would never let anything get in it’s way.
So what happens when I get into my own way? What happens when a pony like me faces a pony like her? The alicorn of magic. The Princess of Friendship. What a silly title, right? You would never consider something so hysterically ridiculous to be a real thing, and yet…
As I said, anything can take you off guard. In my case? It was her. She could’ve let me suffer my own fate while she took her anger and revenge out on the true mastermind behind my own actions; The Storm King. She could’ve left me to eat my own words about focusing on oneself. She didn’t have to help me. She could’ve defeated the Storm King right then and there.
And now they’re both gone.
Whose fault was it? Was it mine? Could I have done any better to help? No! No, I couldn’t have. I… but could I really? Would I? Should I have helped her, after she helped me? Even after all I’d done to her?
It’s just the most farfetched thing to me: how anypony could think helping their enemy was in any way a good idea. The enemy is the enemy for a reason, because they oppose you, because they go against your ideals or beliefs, or are attacking you in any sort of way. To help said opponent is detrimental to your success in defeating them! It’s untactful! Stupid! Idiotic!
So why did she do so for me?
I close my eyes and sigh, feeling my eyes well up for the first time in what seems a millennium. How could this happen to me? I had an iron will! I was the most formidable foe anybody in the radius of a thousand miles could’ve possibly dreamed of facing! And in a few moments, I was a fool who had been tricked by the maddest being I know of.
Embarrassing. Weak. Foolish. Moronic. Disappointing.
Lonely.
So lonely.
Was it always this cold on my own? Was my face always this wet? Why am I crying?
I growl, shaking my head and stomping my hoof down. No! I cannot be crying here. Not here! Not in front of the friends- the friends of her. Why am I so stupid? Why did I trust the Storm King when I knew- I knew the only pony I could trust was myself? How? How could I have let it come to this?
I can only grit my teeth and breathe shakily. I can hear them crying, too. Crying over the loss of their friend. Of Twilight Sparkle.
Why do they have to do that? I am crying because… because… and- and they’re crying because they’ve lost someone, somepony important to them. What have I lost? I’ve lost any chance of getting my horn back, I’ve lost my dignity and I’ve lost my… my…
My saviour. She really did help me, and now she’s gone. I’ve been chasing her for days, and when I finally get her, after I sabotage her magic and everything she’s ever lived for, what does she do? She saves me. She saves me when no one else would. Twilight Sparkle chose my life over her vengeance, and she got nothing in return except her demise…
It was my fault. It’s my fault that I trusted the Storm King, it’s my fault Equestria had fallen under his rule, and it’s my fault that… that Twilight Sparkle is- No, there’s a figure floating down from the eye of the twister in the sky. It looks to be… no, it can’t...
She… the alicorn survived?! And she has the staff, too! But how? They were fighting! Twilight Sparkle and the Storm King were fighting for it and got sucked into the tornado! It can’t be…
I… I guess… I suppose that’s it then. Of course they get their happy ending. The Staff of Sacanas has been recovered with the power of four alicorns inside, and the Storm King is gone. Now they can rebuild. Look how happy they look over there, hugging with naught a care in the world. As for me? Well, I’m sure I’m a wanted war criminal now, regardless of whether Twilight Sparkle saved me or not, and I guess that’s just how it’s going to be.
Me with nopony to fend for but myself, and them with a nation left to rebuild on their own with three other princesses to restore. There’s no point in staying.
But as I turn to leave, I hear something. The crumbling and breaking of stone and rubble. The grunting of a gravelly voice. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot the one being I couldn’t possibly hate more in all of existence climbing up over a shattered railing. I watch in almost agonisingly slow anticipation as he swings both of his arms over, clutching something from his waist…
An obsidian orb. In his claws, he holds a black orb with pulsating green mana glowing from within, and I know exactly why he has it. There’s no other reason he would. His focus is absolute. And Twilight and her friends have no idea he is there at all, for they are all so intent on hugging a pony they had thought dead for what would seem like eons.
As the Storm King’s arm started swinging back, I feel myself gasp with a flash of anger and worry. A million thoughts race through my mind in the split second of time that I have.
I could save them. I could do it. I could save all of them right here and now. In the same action, I would have my own revenge against the Storm King! I could do it! I could kill two birds with one stone and have this be mine! The only problem?
Them. Twilight Sparkle and her friends. They were in my way. What would they do if I started charging them? Would they attack me? Shout in alarm? Delay the course until they are inevitably subdued by the Storm King, leaving me to fend for myself against an opponent I myself wouldn’t want to mess with?
But Twilight saved me, too! Do I repay the favour? Do I take the risk of them attacking me, along with the Storm King himself? Will I take the hit for them? Is it really, truly worth my life to save these ponies who’ve done nothing but good against my campaign of evil reign?
Finally, Twilight’s words to me just moments ago come to the forefront of my thought’s, drowning out every other whim I can conjure.
“It’s what friends do,” Twilight’s voice echoes in my mind, and I harden my gaze. I couldn’t let this happen. She saved me, yes, but what else? She became something more than my foe.
She became my friend.
And friends are there for each other, no matter the consequences, no matter the situation.
It was my turn to be a friend.
I charge with all my might, my cladden hooves slamming against the stone ground as I make my way towards the Storm King. Already, I see their heads turning, wondering what the sound of my hooves storming towards them means. It doesn’t matter. I know what I’m doing. Seeing the severe amount of debris in my path, I grit my teeth. This would have to be perfect.
I jump, hopping from fallen ceiling piece to broken pillar rubble and various other stones I couldn’t care less about. I need to make it there in time! Glancing ahead, the orb has already left his hand, but it had still to complete it’s arc. Bursting forward, the colourful rainbow pegasus and stetson-toting earth pony jumped in front of the group, no doubt ready to take on whatever attack I had planned for them.
But I’m not aiming for them.
“NO!” I scream, the orb shattering against me before it could make it’s way towards them. My hooves make contact with the ground once more but my momentum carries me forward. Already feeling the effects of the obsidian as it began to solidify my body, I bounded forward, pushing the gaseous mana and myself against the Storm King.
And in that moment, I knew I had done something good in my final moments.
Knowing these are my final moments, I’m happy that it hadn’t all been bad. Even as I feel the orb’s magic working on me, I still have some time to think. The pain and the anguish as my being is turned to stone, that would shatter upon impact on the ground below, is nothing to the pride I feel of having at least one friend in the world.
Twilight Sparkle.
Who would’ve thought?
An alicorn of magic, the Princess of Friendship. Looks like that title really did help her out in the end, huh? She was able to make someone like me, a stone-cold soldier, capable of enjoying the wonders of friendship, even for just a fleeting moment. It’s funny how life can change everything you knew to be true.
I had once thought that having friends led to heartache, disappointment, distrust and hatred. I was so angry for so long at my foalhood friends who decided I wasn’t good enough for them. I thought I had seen it all so clearly. That the best way to survive was on my own.
Looks like I wasn’t able to survive on my own, needing the help of a purple alicorn. And now, falling to my own decided fate, I at least have the knowledge that I am not surviving because I did good. I had decided on my own that being alone was not the path I wished to take, and wanted more.
Maybe it was just because I wanted to be a part of something, and maybe it was just my foalish ideals, but look at me now. On the verge of death, contemplating my life choices and decisions. I laugh inside, unable to laugh outside for obvious reasons as the stone begins to cover up my neck and head, and think of how Twilight’s friends might react to my death. Probably with disbelief.
Well, if there was one thing I could be proud of in my life, I’m glad it was this. If this is what it’s like to have a friend worth dying for, then I’m happy it came to this. And as my thoughts begin to fade, Twilight’s words echo through my mind, and I know that I was a good friend for the short time I had. Because this?
This is what friends do.
Or at least, the world you’ve built up around you.
Sometimes it can be the simplest thing. A ball. A horn. Even a laugh. And sometimes, it can be something you couldn’t predict in a million years. Something like a helping hoof from the one pony who had every reason to hate me. The one pony whose nation I overtook in a matter of minutes—the one pony who helped me when nopony else would.
Twilight Sparkle.
Just thinking of the name troubles my mind, as it conflicts with everything I’ve come to know. To never open myself up to others. To use others for my own gain. To never help anypony but myself. It’s always been about me, all because I had thought no one cared enough to think about others—to think about me.
I mean, look at me. As I look into this cracked stained glass window, all I can see is a shattered image of a broken pony with a broken horn and a scar running down the length of her right eye. A scary malevolent force of will that would never let anything get in it’s way.
So what happens when I get into my own way? What happens when a pony like me faces a pony like her? The alicorn of magic. The Princess of Friendship. What a silly title, right? You would never consider something so hysterically ridiculous to be a real thing, and yet…
As I said, anything can take you off guard. In my case? It was her. She could’ve let me suffer my own fate while she took her anger and revenge out on the true mastermind behind my own actions; The Storm King. She could’ve left me to eat my own words about focusing on oneself. She didn’t have to help me. She could’ve defeated the Storm King right then and there.
And now they’re both gone.
Whose fault was it? Was it mine? Could I have done any better to help? No! No, I couldn’t have. I… but could I really? Would I? Should I have helped her, after she helped me? Even after all I’d done to her?
It’s just the most farfetched thing to me: how anypony could think helping their enemy was in any way a good idea. The enemy is the enemy for a reason, because they oppose you, because they go against your ideals or beliefs, or are attacking you in any sort of way. To help said opponent is detrimental to your success in defeating them! It’s untactful! Stupid! Idiotic!
So why did she do so for me?
I close my eyes and sigh, feeling my eyes well up for the first time in what seems a millennium. How could this happen to me? I had an iron will! I was the most formidable foe anybody in the radius of a thousand miles could’ve possibly dreamed of facing! And in a few moments, I was a fool who had been tricked by the maddest being I know of.
Embarrassing. Weak. Foolish. Moronic. Disappointing.
Lonely.
So lonely.
Was it always this cold on my own? Was my face always this wet? Why am I crying?
I growl, shaking my head and stomping my hoof down. No! I cannot be crying here. Not here! Not in front of the friends- the friends of her. Why am I so stupid? Why did I trust the Storm King when I knew- I knew the only pony I could trust was myself? How? How could I have let it come to this?
I can only grit my teeth and breathe shakily. I can hear them crying, too. Crying over the loss of their friend. Of Twilight Sparkle.
Why do they have to do that? I am crying because… because… and- and they’re crying because they’ve lost someone, somepony important to them. What have I lost? I’ve lost any chance of getting my horn back, I’ve lost my dignity and I’ve lost my… my…
My saviour. She really did help me, and now she’s gone. I’ve been chasing her for days, and when I finally get her, after I sabotage her magic and everything she’s ever lived for, what does she do? She saves me. She saves me when no one else would. Twilight Sparkle chose my life over her vengeance, and she got nothing in return except her demise…
It was my fault. It’s my fault that I trusted the Storm King, it’s my fault Equestria had fallen under his rule, and it’s my fault that… that Twilight Sparkle is- No, there’s a figure floating down from the eye of the twister in the sky. It looks to be… no, it can’t...
She… the alicorn survived?! And she has the staff, too! But how? They were fighting! Twilight Sparkle and the Storm King were fighting for it and got sucked into the tornado! It can’t be…
I… I guess… I suppose that’s it then. Of course they get their happy ending. The Staff of Sacanas has been recovered with the power of four alicorns inside, and the Storm King is gone. Now they can rebuild. Look how happy they look over there, hugging with naught a care in the world. As for me? Well, I’m sure I’m a wanted war criminal now, regardless of whether Twilight Sparkle saved me or not, and I guess that’s just how it’s going to be.
Me with nopony to fend for but myself, and them with a nation left to rebuild on their own with three other princesses to restore. There’s no point in staying.
But as I turn to leave, I hear something. The crumbling and breaking of stone and rubble. The grunting of a gravelly voice. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot the one being I couldn’t possibly hate more in all of existence climbing up over a shattered railing. I watch in almost agonisingly slow anticipation as he swings both of his arms over, clutching something from his waist…
An obsidian orb. In his claws, he holds a black orb with pulsating green mana glowing from within, and I know exactly why he has it. There’s no other reason he would. His focus is absolute. And Twilight and her friends have no idea he is there at all, for they are all so intent on hugging a pony they had thought dead for what would seem like eons.
As the Storm King’s arm started swinging back, I feel myself gasp with a flash of anger and worry. A million thoughts race through my mind in the split second of time that I have.
I could save them. I could do it. I could save all of them right here and now. In the same action, I would have my own revenge against the Storm King! I could do it! I could kill two birds with one stone and have this be mine! The only problem?
Them. Twilight Sparkle and her friends. They were in my way. What would they do if I started charging them? Would they attack me? Shout in alarm? Delay the course until they are inevitably subdued by the Storm King, leaving me to fend for myself against an opponent I myself wouldn’t want to mess with?
But Twilight saved me, too! Do I repay the favour? Do I take the risk of them attacking me, along with the Storm King himself? Will I take the hit for them? Is it really, truly worth my life to save these ponies who’ve done nothing but good against my campaign of evil reign?
Finally, Twilight’s words to me just moments ago come to the forefront of my thought’s, drowning out every other whim I can conjure.
As I sway unsteadily in the wind, her grip was steady and assuring.
“Why are you saving me?” I asked Twilight, glancing from her to the Storm King.
She smiled. Such an infuriating smile. A kind smile. A compassionate smile. A smile I did not deserve.
“Because this is what friends do,” Twilight had said.
“It’s what friends do,” Twilight’s voice echoes in my mind, and I harden my gaze. I couldn’t let this happen. She saved me, yes, but what else? She became something more than my foe.
She became my friend.
And friends are there for each other, no matter the consequences, no matter the situation.
It was my turn to be a friend.
I charge with all my might, my cladden hooves slamming against the stone ground as I make my way towards the Storm King. Already, I see their heads turning, wondering what the sound of my hooves storming towards them means. It doesn’t matter. I know what I’m doing. Seeing the severe amount of debris in my path, I grit my teeth. This would have to be perfect.
I jump, hopping from fallen ceiling piece to broken pillar rubble and various other stones I couldn’t care less about. I need to make it there in time! Glancing ahead, the orb has already left his hand, but it had still to complete it’s arc. Bursting forward, the colourful rainbow pegasus and stetson-toting earth pony jumped in front of the group, no doubt ready to take on whatever attack I had planned for them.
But I’m not aiming for them.
“NO!” I scream, the orb shattering against me before it could make it’s way towards them. My hooves make contact with the ground once more but my momentum carries me forward. Already feeling the effects of the obsidian as it began to solidify my body, I bounded forward, pushing the gaseous mana and myself against the Storm King.
And in that moment, I knew I had done something good in my final moments.
Knowing these are my final moments, I’m happy that it hadn’t all been bad. Even as I feel the orb’s magic working on me, I still have some time to think. The pain and the anguish as my being is turned to stone, that would shatter upon impact on the ground below, is nothing to the pride I feel of having at least one friend in the world.
Twilight Sparkle.
Who would’ve thought?
An alicorn of magic, the Princess of Friendship. Looks like that title really did help her out in the end, huh? She was able to make someone like me, a stone-cold soldier, capable of enjoying the wonders of friendship, even for just a fleeting moment. It’s funny how life can change everything you knew to be true.
I had once thought that having friends led to heartache, disappointment, distrust and hatred. I was so angry for so long at my foalhood friends who decided I wasn’t good enough for them. I thought I had seen it all so clearly. That the best way to survive was on my own.
Looks like I wasn’t able to survive on my own, needing the help of a purple alicorn. And now, falling to my own decided fate, I at least have the knowledge that I am not surviving because I did good. I had decided on my own that being alone was not the path I wished to take, and wanted more.
Maybe it was just because I wanted to be a part of something, and maybe it was just my foalish ideals, but look at me now. On the verge of death, contemplating my life choices and decisions. I laugh inside, unable to laugh outside for obvious reasons as the stone begins to cover up my neck and head, and think of how Twilight’s friends might react to my death. Probably with disbelief.
Well, if there was one thing I could be proud of in my life, I’m glad it was this. If this is what it’s like to have a friend worth dying for, then I’m happy it came to this. And as my thoughts begin to fade, Twilight’s words echo through my mind, and I know that I was a good friend for the short time I had. Because this?
This is what friends do.
This is a really, really tough story to attempt, and I'm sorry to say that I'm not sure it's even possible.
See, this story only makes sense to someone who has already watched the movie, and the problem that they're going to have is that they've already watched the movie. There's no tension—which I'm sure you're aware—because the reader knows what's going to happen. So all that you can rely on is that we want to know exactly what Tempest was thinking when she sacrificed herself.
But here's the thing: This scene played out in just a few moments—it was compact, it contained almost no words, and most importantly, the decision Tempest made was something that had been built up to, so the audience could figure it out for themselves. Heck, some would say it was even too predictable!
This plays into the tired, but important, old critique of show vs tell narration. The movie showed Tempest's decision, while this story told it. In fairness, it's a lot easier to show things in TV shows and movies than it is in a written story, but isn't that part of what makes them so enthralling?
I think this story is a good exercise in exploring Tempest's thought process and dissecting something from the film. But as an actual story, it's hard to really get into.
But those are just my thoughts. Thanks a lot for submitting, and good luck!
P.S. I'm also not sure what the title is referring to...?
See, this story only makes sense to someone who has already watched the movie, and the problem that they're going to have is that they've already watched the movie. There's no tension—which I'm sure you're aware—because the reader knows what's going to happen. So all that you can rely on is that we want to know exactly what Tempest was thinking when she sacrificed herself.
But here's the thing: This scene played out in just a few moments—it was compact, it contained almost no words, and most importantly, the decision Tempest made was something that had been built up to, so the audience could figure it out for themselves. Heck, some would say it was even too predictable!
This plays into the tired, but important, old critique of show vs tell narration. The movie showed Tempest's decision, while this story told it. In fairness, it's a lot easier to show things in TV shows and movies than it is in a written story, but isn't that part of what makes them so enthralling?
I think this story is a good exercise in exploring Tempest's thought process and dissecting something from the film. But as an actual story, it's hard to really get into.
But those are just my thoughts. Thanks a lot for submitting, and good luck!
P.S. I'm also not sure what the title is referring to...?
Genre: Le Feels Punch
Thoughts: I can't help but compare this to the Chrysalis story, much as I know it can be gauche to do direct comparisons. Like that story, this is basically a recap of some moments from theshow movie. But what this does with those moments is steep them in an internal view of a character who is going through a critical moment of personal growth and change. The end result is almost more like a character study than a story per se, but I feel it delivers some amount of satisfaction in its (limited) arc by carrying us all the way through that character's change. So while this isn't the most ambitious story from a plot perspective, I ended up enjoying it for what it is. I will even award some bonus points for the threat of tears that I felt at one point.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: I can't help but compare this to the Chrysalis story, much as I know it can be gauche to do direct comparisons. Like that story, this is basically a recap of some moments from the
Tier: Almost There
I'll echo:
The folks above, author. Technically, this is nicely done: the slow passage of time and the monologue and all that. But since it's a scene we've seen before, I was looking for some new insight, something that the scene originally didn't convey--maybe that Twilight reminds Tempest of the baby sister she hasn't seen in years and parted on bad terms with, and the last line reveals that the sister she's thinking of is Starlight Glimmer.
OK, maybe not that, but something to deepen the scene and the character.
Mike
The folks above, author. Technically, this is nicely done: the slow passage of time and the monologue and all that. But since it's a scene we've seen before, I was looking for some new insight, something that the scene originally didn't convey--maybe that Twilight reminds Tempest of the baby sister she hasn't seen in years and parted on bad terms with, and the last line reveals that the sister she's thinking of is Starlight Glimmer.
OK, maybe not that, but something to deepen the scene and the character.
Mike
I don't know if this is the same author as Chryssi's Kingdom, but this is pretty much the same exact story approach with the same problems. See my review on that story and apply it here liberally.
More generally, who is the protagonist talking to here? Why is she talking to us? It could help to add context so it isn't just inside her head.
More generally, who is the protagonist talking to here? Why is she talking to us? It could help to add context so it isn't just inside her head.
My synopsis:
Tempest shadow decides her own fate.
Overall thoughts:
I wasn't gripped. I've seen the movie, this read like a novelisation.
Technically finely written, but not an interesting idea.
+
Characterisation seems good: in line with what I've seen.
It's a nice moral, good for Fizzlepop's character. You show it in more detail than the film and you do it well. She's not sacrificing herself for redemption. She's doing it because it's the right thing.
-
I mean... it's just a retelling of a scene from another viewpoint. And it doesn't tell us a great deal new, or provide a real window to Fizzlepop showing anything we weren't told or can't easily guess.
It's slightly dry. Telly. Not poetic enough to hold out as pure description on it's own. No allegory or simile.
There's some phrasing I found problematic.
Rating:
An unwise investment of talent.
This reads like you had no idea what to write at all, and you're relying on being a competent writer to make up for it. Unfortunately for your rating, I read to avoid being bored. I'd like to see what you can do when you find a more novel concept to explore.
Or where you're writing fuller action scenes. I'm going to guess that's more your normal thing.
Tempest shadow decides her own fate.
Overall thoughts:
I wasn't gripped. I've seen the movie, this read like a novelisation.
Technically finely written, but not an interesting idea.
+
Characterisation seems good: in line with what I've seen.
It's a nice moral, good for Fizzlepop's character. You show it in more detail than the film and you do it well. She's not sacrificing herself for redemption. She's doing it because it's the right thing.
-
I mean... it's just a retelling of a scene from another viewpoint. And it doesn't tell us a great deal new, or provide a real window to Fizzlepop showing anything we weren't told or can't easily guess.
It's slightly dry. Telly. Not poetic enough to hold out as pure description on it's own. No allegory or simile.
There's some phrasing I found problematic.
Rating:
An unwise investment of talent.
This reads like you had no idea what to write at all, and you're relying on being a competent writer to make up for it. Unfortunately for your rating, I read to avoid being bored. I'd like to see what you can do when you find a more novel concept to explore.
Or where you're writing fuller action scenes. I'm going to guess that's more your normal thing.