Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Should I Stay or Should I Go.
Twilight Sparkle stood on the grassy edge of a cliff and looked out over the ocean. A ceaseless fall wind blew in from the water, caused by A differential in pressure and temperature between land and sea. Twilight closed her eyes and breathed the salt air in deep through her nose. She knew how and why the wind blew, but didn't let it stand in the way of enjoying the pristine beauty of the moment.
It was just the beginning of fall. The land having shed much of its summer heat, but yet reluctant to take on the autumnal chill that would herald the world’s inevitable progression towards winter. The sky was moody, with great swaths of cloud like soft mountains stretching out over the horizon. Despite this, the day held none of the normal oppressive gloom of being overcast. The late afternoon sun veiled by clouds, created a silver luminescence, giving the day an almost surreal, dreamlike feel.
Letting out the breath she had been holding in with a contented sigh, Twilight looked out over the ocean and considered jumping off the cliff.
This wasn't the first time twilight had contemplated this. Well not this exactly; not standing before the ocean deciding whether or not to jump. It simply wasn't the first time she had considered ending her life.
Twilight was neither sad nor confused. She wasn't depressed or unsure of her place in the world. And she most certainly wasn't under the intoxicating effects of some form of mind altering substance. She was perfectly sane, rational and in her right mind. What Twilight Sparkle was, was curious. Such a simple little word curious. curiosity: to wonder about the world around you. To look at something and ask "How does that work" or "Why does it work like that".
Twilight's mind worked in circles, spiraling out endlessly. One thought chasing another, connecting to others, round and round forever. And always spinning. She felt like she was a young foal, caught in the middle of great maelstrom of her own thoughts. No matter how she tried to work a way out of them, she always found herself back in the middle of the storm.
Letting out another sigh much less contented than the last, Twilight sat on her haunches, and leaned out over the edge of the cliff, gazing down at the ocean waves crashing against its rocky surface below.
When she was a young Filly, she would always ask "Why". It was the first word her parents said she ever spoke. Why. This was soon followed later in her childhood by who, where, what and when. Funny, had she ever contemplated on why almost all questioning words start with the letter W? She was sure she must have at some point, she was amazed she hadden't formed some sort of speech impediment over the course of her formative years from the endless repetition of the sound.
This selfsame inquisitive nature was both the joy and torment of her parents. Twilight was inquisitive about everything. It was all good fun for them when her questions were "why's the sky blue?" or "Why does the sun rise in the east?" Questions that were simple and had definitive answers. When the questions started becoming harder, when her parents had discovered the true depth of their young daughters brilliant mind, only then did they begin to worry. By the time Twilight was four years old, she was asking questions like "Why do we have a home and beds to sleep in, and that old stallion on the street has nothing?"
Her mother and father soon realized they couldn't simply placate their daughter with the half truths that parents usually give children in answer to difficult questions. There was nothing more frustrating to twilight in her childhood then hearing them say that they simply had no answer for a given question she asked. As years passed, she thus turned more of her attention away from foals her own age, and more towards books, and more importantly the answers that she found in their pages.
Everything changed for Twilight when she took her test to enter Princess Celestia's School for gifted Unicorns, and in so doing, had became Celestia's personal pupil. For the first time in her life, every question had an answer.
The Princess never seemed put off by the questions her young charge asked of her. Never disconcerted, she would think on what had been asked, perhaps taking a sip of tea, then she would give an answer. Sometimes the answers seemed strange to Twilight at first, only for the meaning behind them to become clear when observed with some distance. Sometimes the answers were questions that the Princess would ask of Twilight in return, provoking her to find truth from within. And much of the time, in getting her question answered, Twilight was left with ten more questions in it's place. But at least they were answers, firm and sound with no uncertainty.
Princess Celestia taught Twilight to always view the world with a sense of suspended disbelief. To look at any fact as if it could be true, but not believe in it to the exclusion of all other things. A fact was only true until it was disproved.
This method had served Twilight well all her life, barring a few embarrassing incidents from her early years living in Ponyville, she had stuck true to this ideal for many years. Using it to discern fact from opinion.
Sitting here now with the waves and the wind and the breathtaking beauty, Twilight thought about circles and questions and princess Celestia. her mind traveled back to when she was nine years old.
It was night, and she was in the Celestia's study, a fire in the hearth and a warm wing laid comfortingly over her. It had been a long day. Twilight's maternal grandmother, the only grandparent she had ever known, had passed away the day before. Today had been the funeral, she was still clothed in her small black dress and bow.
The death had not come as a surprise; her grandmother's health had been declining for months, and the family had been gathered to say their final farewells before the old mare had slipped away.
Twilight had already learned the answer of why her grandmother was dying. She had learned all about the deterioration of cells as they reproduced. How the body slowly became a copy of a copy of a copy as the years progressed. She had read books about the effects of time on the body and mind. All of these things she'd learned. It was only during the viewing portion of the funeral that a new question had entered Twilight's mind.
What happens to us after we die.
She stood with her parents and big brother and looked into the coffin at the body of her beloved grandmother. She had died, and the thing that had made her her, was gone. The amazing miracle of death had transformed this wonderful loving mare, into an object.
It was no longer her, it was her body. A thing she had left behind. So where had she gone?
Twilight had looked at her family, to the tears at the edges of her mother's eyes, and decided that now was not a good time to ask this question of them. She wasn't sure she would get any kind of answer anyway. So she waited, her mind spinning round and round.
After the events of the day had transpired, Twilight asked to go and speak with her mentor. She was only a little surprised to find that Celestia had already set this time aside should Twilight wish to come and speak with her.
She was greeted at the door by the softly smiling Princess, ready with an embrace and warm words. Twilight had sat with Celestia for some time, simply enjoying the warmth and reassurance of her presence before she asked her question.
What happens when we die.
Celestia looked down at Twilight. Even seated side by side as they were, the Princess still towered over her. She look at Twilight and this is what she said.
“My little Pony, I know no more of the secrets of what comes after this life than you do.” Even years later, Twilight still remembered the feel of disappointment at hearing this. To know that even Celestia, Princess of all of Equestria, didn’t have the answer to this question. Celestia put a hoof under Twilight’s chin and lifted it so she could look her in the eyes. “Long ago, I was born. I have lived for many years, and one day, I too shall die. All things that begin; end.” She gave that reassuring smile that always made Twilight feel safe. “I don’t know what happens when we die. Others have claimed to have this knowledge over the ages I have lived, I can not say if any were true. The only thing I can tell you is what I believe.” She pulled Twilight in closer, nuzzling her lightly. “That’s all anyone can really do in the end.”
They had spent much of that and many evenings to come talking about the mysteries of life and death. Celestia told Twilight that there were other worlds than this, many and more worlds that spanned outward forever. She believed that in this never ending vastness, there had to be a place that we all went to after death. She said that energy never really died, it just moved to somewhere else. So she to believed that the part of Ponies that made them who they were was also still out there, somewhere.
This answer had left Twilight with more questions. Where do we go, how do we get there and are we still the same beings there as we were when we departed. These and many more. Thoughts always spinning round and round. She hated not knowing.
Coming back to the here and now, Twilight’s gaze moved from the waves below her up and out to the horizon. Meeting Pinkie Pie had been very good for her, Twilight thought, a smile flashing across her face. She was a living reminder that some things just couldn’t be explained.
Spending years living with her friends in Ponyville, the highs and lows of her life both before and after becoming a Princess, had Indelibly tempered Twilight’s constant yearning to know everything with a sense of acceptance. Acceptance for the things in the world that she had no power over, for questions that she couldn’t find answers to. Would that make it courage, or simply complacency she wondered.
In either case, over time this had let Twilight not so much let go of her ineffable questions, as to not let them rule her life. She could go for weeks or months without giving them a second thought.
Until she stood by herself on a cliff’s edge, looking out over the endless ocean one cloudy afternoon. She had been here, enjoying the view and the gentle sea breeze, when her mind had done what it was want to do in times of quiet. It started to spin.
Twilight knew that there was only one true and irrefutable way to discover for herself the answer to certain questions, and that was to experience them for herself. Much like the time she had wanted to know what it was like to make love. She blushed even now, not so much at the lovemaking itself, as the disastrous spectacle she had made of herself in the lead up to it. How she thought a mare looking for love should act. Luckily the stallion in question -an author she had befriended during a book convention- had been a gentlecolt about the whole thing. They even still wrote one another now and again.
The blush fading from her cheeks Twilight brushed away the warm memories of her erstwhile lover. She looked out again over the cliff’s edge, only to notice that the late afternoon had moved inexorably towards evening while she stood there, lost in memories and contemplations.
She sat down once more, fully this time, crossing her front legs, and setting her chin down upon her hooves. This was not the first time Twilight had considered ending her life. She could never really talk to anyone about this. It would be to hard to explain. To easy for them to misconstrued her words for a wish to do herself harm out of sadness or pain. Or worse, they might think she had simply gone off the deep end. Even when she was young, she knew enough to keep this particular curiosity to herself.
Would it hurt to die? Not the damage to her body that would be the precursor of her death, but the actual act of dying itself. Would her soul or spirit leaving her body be able to feel anything at all with no body to perceive the world around her. Would she even be able think with no mind for thoughts to pass through. round and round her thoughts went. Twilight closed her eyes, taking slow and even breaths, she let the sounds of the sea and sky wash over her. Somewhere in the offing, a seagul’s cry sounded, shrill and insistent.
Light suddenly penetrated the backs of Twilight’s eyelids, and a warm glow covered her. She opened her eyes to see that the sun had passed below the farmost edge of the clouds on the western horizon, casting a glorious sunset over the surrounding countryside.
Had she fallen asleep, was she sleeping now? Twilight rose to her hooves stretched her still svelte body in a motion much like a cat would, and looked out once again over the sea. The once softly glowing greys and silvers had been succeeded with an effulgent cascade of gold. Looking at the sun, she wondered if Celestia could see her now.
“Twilight.” A young male voice called out. She looked over her back to see Spike walking up the path that ran a ways back from the edge of the cliff. He was followed by the most beautiful little filly in the world.
After she had found herself with foal, Twilight had wondered what it would be like to be a mother. So there was only really one way to find out. A smile spread across the fillies fase as she saw her mother come into view. She ran from Spike’s side towards her mother who turned to greet her with a warm hug and a soft smile.
Spike came up a moment later. “So this is where you spent all afternoon” he said, looking at the setting sun.” We should be getting back, the others are due to arrive any time now.”
“Sorry Spike, I got lost in thought out here, it’s really a very lovely spot for a vacation. We should have done this months ago.” she said while pulling her child up onto her back for the walk back down the hill.
“What were you thinking about?” Spike asked, following behind Twilight as she moved toward the path.
“Nothing in particular, you know me Spike. I’m just always thinking.” She looked back at the setting sun, slowly moving down below the vanishing point. “Perhaps I was thinking about a trip I’m gonna take in the future is all”.
“Not now though right mama? We’re already on a trip” the little filly spoke matter-of-factly from her back.
Twilight smiled at her “Yeah, I’ll take that trip some other time. I’m in no hurry.”
It was just the beginning of fall. The land having shed much of its summer heat, but yet reluctant to take on the autumnal chill that would herald the world’s inevitable progression towards winter. The sky was moody, with great swaths of cloud like soft mountains stretching out over the horizon. Despite this, the day held none of the normal oppressive gloom of being overcast. The late afternoon sun veiled by clouds, created a silver luminescence, giving the day an almost surreal, dreamlike feel.
Letting out the breath she had been holding in with a contented sigh, Twilight looked out over the ocean and considered jumping off the cliff.
This wasn't the first time twilight had contemplated this. Well not this exactly; not standing before the ocean deciding whether or not to jump. It simply wasn't the first time she had considered ending her life.
Twilight was neither sad nor confused. She wasn't depressed or unsure of her place in the world. And she most certainly wasn't under the intoxicating effects of some form of mind altering substance. She was perfectly sane, rational and in her right mind. What Twilight Sparkle was, was curious. Such a simple little word curious. curiosity: to wonder about the world around you. To look at something and ask "How does that work" or "Why does it work like that".
Twilight's mind worked in circles, spiraling out endlessly. One thought chasing another, connecting to others, round and round forever. And always spinning. She felt like she was a young foal, caught in the middle of great maelstrom of her own thoughts. No matter how she tried to work a way out of them, she always found herself back in the middle of the storm.
Letting out another sigh much less contented than the last, Twilight sat on her haunches, and leaned out over the edge of the cliff, gazing down at the ocean waves crashing against its rocky surface below.
When she was a young Filly, she would always ask "Why". It was the first word her parents said she ever spoke. Why. This was soon followed later in her childhood by who, where, what and when. Funny, had she ever contemplated on why almost all questioning words start with the letter W? She was sure she must have at some point, she was amazed she hadden't formed some sort of speech impediment over the course of her formative years from the endless repetition of the sound.
This selfsame inquisitive nature was both the joy and torment of her parents. Twilight was inquisitive about everything. It was all good fun for them when her questions were "why's the sky blue?" or "Why does the sun rise in the east?" Questions that were simple and had definitive answers. When the questions started becoming harder, when her parents had discovered the true depth of their young daughters brilliant mind, only then did they begin to worry. By the time Twilight was four years old, she was asking questions like "Why do we have a home and beds to sleep in, and that old stallion on the street has nothing?"
Her mother and father soon realized they couldn't simply placate their daughter with the half truths that parents usually give children in answer to difficult questions. There was nothing more frustrating to twilight in her childhood then hearing them say that they simply had no answer for a given question she asked. As years passed, she thus turned more of her attention away from foals her own age, and more towards books, and more importantly the answers that she found in their pages.
Everything changed for Twilight when she took her test to enter Princess Celestia's School for gifted Unicorns, and in so doing, had became Celestia's personal pupil. For the first time in her life, every question had an answer.
The Princess never seemed put off by the questions her young charge asked of her. Never disconcerted, she would think on what had been asked, perhaps taking a sip of tea, then she would give an answer. Sometimes the answers seemed strange to Twilight at first, only for the meaning behind them to become clear when observed with some distance. Sometimes the answers were questions that the Princess would ask of Twilight in return, provoking her to find truth from within. And much of the time, in getting her question answered, Twilight was left with ten more questions in it's place. But at least they were answers, firm and sound with no uncertainty.
Princess Celestia taught Twilight to always view the world with a sense of suspended disbelief. To look at any fact as if it could be true, but not believe in it to the exclusion of all other things. A fact was only true until it was disproved.
This method had served Twilight well all her life, barring a few embarrassing incidents from her early years living in Ponyville, she had stuck true to this ideal for many years. Using it to discern fact from opinion.
Sitting here now with the waves and the wind and the breathtaking beauty, Twilight thought about circles and questions and princess Celestia. her mind traveled back to when she was nine years old.
It was night, and she was in the Celestia's study, a fire in the hearth and a warm wing laid comfortingly over her. It had been a long day. Twilight's maternal grandmother, the only grandparent she had ever known, had passed away the day before. Today had been the funeral, she was still clothed in her small black dress and bow.
The death had not come as a surprise; her grandmother's health had been declining for months, and the family had been gathered to say their final farewells before the old mare had slipped away.
Twilight had already learned the answer of why her grandmother was dying. She had learned all about the deterioration of cells as they reproduced. How the body slowly became a copy of a copy of a copy as the years progressed. She had read books about the effects of time on the body and mind. All of these things she'd learned. It was only during the viewing portion of the funeral that a new question had entered Twilight's mind.
What happens to us after we die.
She stood with her parents and big brother and looked into the coffin at the body of her beloved grandmother. She had died, and the thing that had made her her, was gone. The amazing miracle of death had transformed this wonderful loving mare, into an object.
It was no longer her, it was her body. A thing she had left behind. So where had she gone?
Twilight had looked at her family, to the tears at the edges of her mother's eyes, and decided that now was not a good time to ask this question of them. She wasn't sure she would get any kind of answer anyway. So she waited, her mind spinning round and round.
After the events of the day had transpired, Twilight asked to go and speak with her mentor. She was only a little surprised to find that Celestia had already set this time aside should Twilight wish to come and speak with her.
She was greeted at the door by the softly smiling Princess, ready with an embrace and warm words. Twilight had sat with Celestia for some time, simply enjoying the warmth and reassurance of her presence before she asked her question.
What happens when we die.
Celestia looked down at Twilight. Even seated side by side as they were, the Princess still towered over her. She look at Twilight and this is what she said.
“My little Pony, I know no more of the secrets of what comes after this life than you do.” Even years later, Twilight still remembered the feel of disappointment at hearing this. To know that even Celestia, Princess of all of Equestria, didn’t have the answer to this question. Celestia put a hoof under Twilight’s chin and lifted it so she could look her in the eyes. “Long ago, I was born. I have lived for many years, and one day, I too shall die. All things that begin; end.” She gave that reassuring smile that always made Twilight feel safe. “I don’t know what happens when we die. Others have claimed to have this knowledge over the ages I have lived, I can not say if any were true. The only thing I can tell you is what I believe.” She pulled Twilight in closer, nuzzling her lightly. “That’s all anyone can really do in the end.”
They had spent much of that and many evenings to come talking about the mysteries of life and death. Celestia told Twilight that there were other worlds than this, many and more worlds that spanned outward forever. She believed that in this never ending vastness, there had to be a place that we all went to after death. She said that energy never really died, it just moved to somewhere else. So she to believed that the part of Ponies that made them who they were was also still out there, somewhere.
This answer had left Twilight with more questions. Where do we go, how do we get there and are we still the same beings there as we were when we departed. These and many more. Thoughts always spinning round and round. She hated not knowing.
Coming back to the here and now, Twilight’s gaze moved from the waves below her up and out to the horizon. Meeting Pinkie Pie had been very good for her, Twilight thought, a smile flashing across her face. She was a living reminder that some things just couldn’t be explained.
Spending years living with her friends in Ponyville, the highs and lows of her life both before and after becoming a Princess, had Indelibly tempered Twilight’s constant yearning to know everything with a sense of acceptance. Acceptance for the things in the world that she had no power over, for questions that she couldn’t find answers to. Would that make it courage, or simply complacency she wondered.
In either case, over time this had let Twilight not so much let go of her ineffable questions, as to not let them rule her life. She could go for weeks or months without giving them a second thought.
Until she stood by herself on a cliff’s edge, looking out over the endless ocean one cloudy afternoon. She had been here, enjoying the view and the gentle sea breeze, when her mind had done what it was want to do in times of quiet. It started to spin.
Twilight knew that there was only one true and irrefutable way to discover for herself the answer to certain questions, and that was to experience them for herself. Much like the time she had wanted to know what it was like to make love. She blushed even now, not so much at the lovemaking itself, as the disastrous spectacle she had made of herself in the lead up to it. How she thought a mare looking for love should act. Luckily the stallion in question -an author she had befriended during a book convention- had been a gentlecolt about the whole thing. They even still wrote one another now and again.
The blush fading from her cheeks Twilight brushed away the warm memories of her erstwhile lover. She looked out again over the cliff’s edge, only to notice that the late afternoon had moved inexorably towards evening while she stood there, lost in memories and contemplations.
She sat down once more, fully this time, crossing her front legs, and setting her chin down upon her hooves. This was not the first time Twilight had considered ending her life. She could never really talk to anyone about this. It would be to hard to explain. To easy for them to misconstrued her words for a wish to do herself harm out of sadness or pain. Or worse, they might think she had simply gone off the deep end. Even when she was young, she knew enough to keep this particular curiosity to herself.
Would it hurt to die? Not the damage to her body that would be the precursor of her death, but the actual act of dying itself. Would her soul or spirit leaving her body be able to feel anything at all with no body to perceive the world around her. Would she even be able think with no mind for thoughts to pass through. round and round her thoughts went. Twilight closed her eyes, taking slow and even breaths, she let the sounds of the sea and sky wash over her. Somewhere in the offing, a seagul’s cry sounded, shrill and insistent.
Light suddenly penetrated the backs of Twilight’s eyelids, and a warm glow covered her. She opened her eyes to see that the sun had passed below the farmost edge of the clouds on the western horizon, casting a glorious sunset over the surrounding countryside.
Had she fallen asleep, was she sleeping now? Twilight rose to her hooves stretched her still svelte body in a motion much like a cat would, and looked out once again over the sea. The once softly glowing greys and silvers had been succeeded with an effulgent cascade of gold. Looking at the sun, she wondered if Celestia could see her now.
“Twilight.” A young male voice called out. She looked over her back to see Spike walking up the path that ran a ways back from the edge of the cliff. He was followed by the most beautiful little filly in the world.
After she had found herself with foal, Twilight had wondered what it would be like to be a mother. So there was only really one way to find out. A smile spread across the fillies fase as she saw her mother come into view. She ran from Spike’s side towards her mother who turned to greet her with a warm hug and a soft smile.
Spike came up a moment later. “So this is where you spent all afternoon” he said, looking at the setting sun.” We should be getting back, the others are due to arrive any time now.”
“Sorry Spike, I got lost in thought out here, it’s really a very lovely spot for a vacation. We should have done this months ago.” she said while pulling her child up onto her back for the walk back down the hill.
“What were you thinking about?” Spike asked, following behind Twilight as she moved toward the path.
“Nothing in particular, you know me Spike. I’m just always thinking.” She looked back at the setting sun, slowly moving down below the vanishing point. “Perhaps I was thinking about a trip I’m gonna take in the future is all”.
“Not now though right mama? We’re already on a trip” the little filly spoke matter-of-factly from her back.
Twilight smiled at her “Yeah, I’ll take that trip some other time. I’m in no hurry.”
Pics
Let me start off by saying that I genuinely enjoy self-reflective thought pieces. I find that they can be a powerful way to show a character's thoughts and emotions, even if it runs the risk of being too telly at times. Much like Twilight herself, this story finds itself on that edge, threatening to come crashing down into full tell territory. While I did not have much of an issue with that due to my aforementioned preferences, it is something that you should consider in the future.
Mainly, dwelling on Twilight's views on death and motherhood while still tying them to the central concept of a quest for knowledge would help the strength of the overall piece. If Twilight has taken these actions for the sake of knowing more, then it'd be good if we could see what insight she has gleaned from her experiences. Maybe making some parallels between what she has learned as a mother and what that could mean for her ultimate question of life after death once the reveal happens.
Also.
This bothered me more than it should've. If only because I like my horses to act like horses, and this would be an awkard action for a horse.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed this story and I wish you the best this round.
Mainly, dwelling on Twilight's views on death and motherhood while still tying them to the central concept of a quest for knowledge would help the strength of the overall piece. If Twilight has taken these actions for the sake of knowing more, then it'd be good if we could see what insight she has gleaned from her experiences. Maybe making some parallels between what she has learned as a mother and what that could mean for her ultimate question of life after death once the reveal happens.
Also.
She sat down once more, fully this time, crossing her front legs, and setting her chin down upon her hooves.
This bothered me more than it should've. If only because I like my horses to act like horses, and this would be an awkard action for a horse.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed this story and I wish you the best this round.
Synopsis: Twilight commits suicide out of curiosity. Except not.
First, to get one unpleasantry out of the way: this has a lot of grammar problems, and unfortunately they're enough to get under my skin and damage immersion. The story suffers for that, in my eyes. Get a good editor to help you clean this up if you plan to take it any further than a writeoff entry.
The story itself: the opening could use a bit of work. Some details feel as if they need just a bit of adjustment to flow naturally into contextual relevance, for example, starting down the path of explaining that the wind is caused by a pressure differential without first establishing why delving into the technical minutiae of what causes wind is meaningful. Yes, the why becomes apparent shortly, but at first glance it feels like misplaced technical fluff (ie., the author just trying to sound smart), which can be off-putting. If there's one thing an opening shouldn't be, it's off-putting (unless off-puttingness is being consciously done for a particular audience for a particular reason).
The premise, centered around Twilight's curiosity, is... I don't know. Believable enough, in terms of what she'd think about, but not really believable in terms of her considered actions. Because it's not believable that an in-character Twilight is going to do what she's wondering about, there's not much real tension. The outcome is pretty much pre-determined. To me, that lack of a real conflict with an ability to change the outcome makes it a little boring. Not to say that a story like this can't work, but the way it has to generate interest is through some sort of interesting examination of that non-conflict, so that's where this story goes. And it doesn't do a bad job, at that, but at the same time I don't think does a great job, either. The main deficiency there is innovation: if you're going to walk the let's-muse-about-death walk, I'd have liked to see it hit some sort of fresh untrod territory or insightful new perspective, but most of what's here (stuff like "no one knows", "can't create or destroy energy", "it's a big universe", etc.) is pretty well explored and a bit cliche in fiction.
Final word: I didn't dislike it, but it needs to do something more unique to stand out.
First, to get one unpleasantry out of the way: this has a lot of grammar problems, and unfortunately they're enough to get under my skin and damage immersion. The story suffers for that, in my eyes. Get a good editor to help you clean this up if you plan to take it any further than a writeoff entry.
The story itself: the opening could use a bit of work. Some details feel as if they need just a bit of adjustment to flow naturally into contextual relevance, for example, starting down the path of explaining that the wind is caused by a pressure differential without first establishing why delving into the technical minutiae of what causes wind is meaningful. Yes, the why becomes apparent shortly, but at first glance it feels like misplaced technical fluff (ie., the author just trying to sound smart), which can be off-putting. If there's one thing an opening shouldn't be, it's off-putting (unless off-puttingness is being consciously done for a particular audience for a particular reason).
The premise, centered around Twilight's curiosity, is... I don't know. Believable enough, in terms of what she'd think about, but not really believable in terms of her considered actions. Because it's not believable that an in-character Twilight is going to do what she's wondering about, there's not much real tension. The outcome is pretty much pre-determined. To me, that lack of a real conflict with an ability to change the outcome makes it a little boring. Not to say that a story like this can't work, but the way it has to generate interest is through some sort of interesting examination of that non-conflict, so that's where this story goes. And it doesn't do a bad job, at that, but at the same time I don't think does a great job, either. The main deficiency there is innovation: if you're going to walk the let's-muse-about-death walk, I'd have liked to see it hit some sort of fresh untrod territory or insightful new perspective, but most of what's here (stuff like "no one knows", "can't create or destroy energy", "it's a big universe", etc.) is pretty well explored and a bit cliche in fiction.
Final word: I didn't dislike it, but it needs to do something more unique to stand out.
Like the others stated, this is a good story. Potentially. Everything is there for this story to be good, but the way it was written makes it seem as though it were a first draft. Which is only to be expected! This is the writeoff after all. But yeah, amid the grammar and spelling mistakes and the prose choices, it came off as... uninterested. The parts with Celestia were done quite well, I think; they were heartwarming. A lot of Twilight's inner monologue and reflections seem to be distant and... yeah. Uninterested. Maybe that's the idea? She's in a bit of shock?
It definitely needs work, but it has the makings of a great fic and with some good effort thrown into editing it up, I think it'll be quite the story. I also agree casually with Winston about needing something more unique to make it stand out, but I'm afraid that may be empty advice as I'm not exactly sure what.
It definitely needs work, but it has the makings of a great fic and with some good effort thrown into editing it up, I think it'll be quite the story. I also agree casually with Winston about needing something more unique to make it stand out, but I'm afraid that may be empty advice as I'm not exactly sure what.
My synopsis:
Twilight wonders what it would be like to die.
Overall thoughts:
I thought this was boring, with flickers of warmth and a tiny gem of brightness in the closing paragraphs.
+
Some of the imagery works nicely, when you're setting the scene at the start.
Celestia's paragraph feels like Celestia: wise but not omniscient, with a motherly tone.
I liked the ending: from where Spike turns up onwards. More is conveyed here about Twilight, who she is and how she feels, than in the entire rest of the text. It's short but it seems genuine.
-
I found the whole thing quite dull and dry. I think that's because it's mostly distant-past exposition; worse, it's mostly expositing things that we outright know (Twi was Celestia's student) or can very easily presume (Twi was precocious) instead of giving new insight into Twi's past or current feelings.
It dumps this: "Twilight had a boyfriend but things didn't work out" on the reader with very little tact. No leadup, not much explanation. Not much thought seemed to be put in; I think this was just to set up her having a kid and it was sloppily done.
There are technical problems with the writing in places. Things like: "was soon followed later", which really makes no sense – pick one or the other.
--
The piece spends a lot of time trying to tell the reader: "Twilight Sparkle is Twilight Sparkle, she thinks Twilight Sparkle things" but the things she has done didn't always ring very true to Twi to me, and you didn't explore anything in enough depth for it to have much impact.
Getting frustrated at honest "we don't know" answers doesn't seem like her. Take it from a precocious child: people pretending to know and lying is ten times worse than "I don't know". You learn to appreciate "I don't know".
We don't know how she felt or coped with the death of her grandmother – was she sad? scared? indifferent? You never say.
Being embarrassed post-hoc about getting into a relationship, well after the end of that relationship (I think?), doesn't seem like her.
When I got to this line: "her mind traveled back to when she was nine years old." I literally threw my hands up. Because I understood that you were trying to set things up, but I thought you finally ready to go somewhere! And then you plunged into another vaguely-retold experience. If you had a scene break here, you could tell the events of that night in real-time. You could have Twilight actually experience the funeral; we could be with her as she deals with loss. Instead there's yet more exposition. I was so frustrated with you.
Rating:
Needs a lot of work.
I'm sorry to have to be so harsh. You could certainly hammer the concept into something. It reads like an outline rather than a story in it's own right.
Twilight wonders what it would be like to die.
Overall thoughts:
I thought this was boring, with flickers of warmth and a tiny gem of brightness in the closing paragraphs.
+
Some of the imagery works nicely, when you're setting the scene at the start.
Celestia's paragraph feels like Celestia: wise but not omniscient, with a motherly tone.
I liked the ending: from where Spike turns up onwards. More is conveyed here about Twilight, who she is and how she feels, than in the entire rest of the text. It's short but it seems genuine.
-
I found the whole thing quite dull and dry. I think that's because it's mostly distant-past exposition; worse, it's mostly expositing things that we outright know (Twi was Celestia's student) or can very easily presume (Twi was precocious) instead of giving new insight into Twi's past or current feelings.
It dumps this: "Twilight had a boyfriend but things didn't work out" on the reader with very little tact. No leadup, not much explanation. Not much thought seemed to be put in; I think this was just to set up her having a kid and it was sloppily done.
There are technical problems with the writing in places. Things like: "was soon followed later", which really makes no sense – pick one or the other.
--
The piece spends a lot of time trying to tell the reader: "Twilight Sparkle is Twilight Sparkle, she thinks Twilight Sparkle things" but the things she has done didn't always ring very true to Twi to me, and you didn't explore anything in enough depth for it to have much impact.
Getting frustrated at honest "we don't know" answers doesn't seem like her. Take it from a precocious child: people pretending to know and lying is ten times worse than "I don't know". You learn to appreciate "I don't know".
We don't know how she felt or coped with the death of her grandmother – was she sad? scared? indifferent? You never say.
Being embarrassed post-hoc about getting into a relationship, well after the end of that relationship (I think?), doesn't seem like her.
When I got to this line: "her mind traveled back to when she was nine years old." I literally threw my hands up. Because I understood that you were trying to set things up, but I thought you finally ready to go somewhere! And then you plunged into another vaguely-retold experience. If you had a scene break here, you could tell the events of that night in real-time. You could have Twilight actually experience the funeral; we could be with her as she deals with loss. Instead there's yet more exposition. I was so frustrated with you.
Rating:
Needs a lot of work.
I'm sorry to have to be so harsh. You could certainly hammer the concept into something. It reads like an outline rather than a story in it's own right.
Genre: Hamlet Soliloquy
Thoughts: Behold, the rare story where a last-minute introduction of new but extremely significant characters serves as an effective resolution and coda rather than feeling random. I feel this deserves some bonus points for pulling that off. Until that moment I hadn’t been sure if I was going to give a thumbs-up to the story or not, as the pure introspection and flashback-y-ness of it is... only a bit engaging. IMO it’s hard to use that as a storytelling device without making people wish that they were simply reading the story that the character is recapping. This managed to juuuuuust hold my interest long enough to hit the payoff.
I’ll be honest, I don’t know if I’m in the target audience for this. The choice to structure the story around Twilight’s introspection isn’t bad, but as a result it’s simply got less going on plot-wise than I typically look for. But to Horizon’s points about reviewing, I don’t know if radically reshaping the story to please me better is a good idea. This is a pretty stable little story as it is, though there’s an extent to which it’s also “Twilight Sparkle Contemplates Suicide And Nothing Happens.” It’s the limitation in scope and internal relatability that hold this back a bit for me (and that could represent opportunities for tweaking) rather than whether it sticks the landing.
Tier: Almost There
Thoughts: Behold, the rare story where a last-minute introduction of new but extremely significant characters serves as an effective resolution and coda rather than feeling random. I feel this deserves some bonus points for pulling that off. Until that moment I hadn’t been sure if I was going to give a thumbs-up to the story or not, as the pure introspection and flashback-y-ness of it is... only a bit engaging. IMO it’s hard to use that as a storytelling device without making people wish that they were simply reading the story that the character is recapping. This managed to juuuuuust hold my interest long enough to hit the payoff.
I’ll be honest, I don’t know if I’m in the target audience for this. The choice to structure the story around Twilight’s introspection isn’t bad, but as a result it’s simply got less going on plot-wise than I typically look for. But to Horizon’s points about reviewing, I don’t know if radically reshaping the story to please me better is a good idea. This is a pretty stable little story as it is, though there’s an extent to which it’s also “Twilight Sparkle Contemplates Suicide And Nothing Happens.” It’s the limitation in scope and internal relatability that hold this back a bit for me (and that could represent opportunities for tweaking) rather than whether it sticks the landing.
Tier: Almost There
I can tell you Twilight! :twilightsmile: It would take a while, though. :twilightoops:
I'm not sure Twi would believe that the right way to learn about death is to experience it, especially since the clues suggest she isn't very old in this story. She certainly hasn't finished growing and learning; that never truly stops. Considering jumping off the cliff is just a bit too much, especially as a young mother who isn't depressed.
If Twilight were venerable and immortal (Celestia implies she isn't the latter), this story would make much more sense and have legitimate tension. As it is, it doesn't really make a lot of sense for her to contemplate the actual act this deeply. Maybe to think about what would happen were she to die, but not to actually contemplate going through with suicide. I think the premise needs significant change to make this conflict believable.
I'm not sure Twi would believe that the right way to learn about death is to experience it, especially since the clues suggest she isn't very old in this story. She certainly hasn't finished growing and learning; that never truly stops. Considering jumping off the cliff is just a bit too much, especially as a young mother who isn't depressed.
If Twilight were venerable and immortal (Celestia implies she isn't the latter), this story would make much more sense and have legitimate tension. As it is, it doesn't really make a lot of sense for her to contemplate the actual act this deeply. Maybe to think about what would happen were she to die, but not to actually contemplate going through with suicide. I think the premise needs significant change to make this conflict believable.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
>>Winston
>>regidar
>>ToXikyogHurt
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
First of all, I want to thank you all for your honest and straightforward reviews of my story. I can't tell you how much it means to me that I can actually write on a site like this, and have my work seen by writers who will give it a good look over and tell me what is lacking.
After each review, I'd take what was said, and with that in mind, I'd reread my story again, trying to see it from the perspective of that person, or at least trying to see it in a new light. Doing this let me really see my writing with new eyes.
Although I submitted the prompt for this round, I didn't really have anything specific in mind for it. Other than that it was a quote I liked, and I'm a fan of post apocalyptic stories. When it got picked, I saw it as a sign that I should take the dive, and actually submit a story.
I ended up procrastinating till almost the last hour to start working on it.
I've been told that the best way to write is to make an outline of what I want to happen, and then flesh out that idea. This led me to simply stare at my screen for over an hour with nothing to show for it. So I did the only thing that has ever worked for me. I just started writing, and let it take me where it would.
Other than the vague concept of Twilight thinking about jumping off a cliff, I started with no idea how this was going to play out, or even what the tone of the story was going to be. Shoot, I didn't even know if she was going to jump or not.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Self reflection is something I like in a story as well. Although looking back at it, doing almost the whole story in that manner was perhaps a miscalculation on my part.
And as for horses doing horse things. I always saw them as being more like cats, and small enough to sit on laps.
>>Winston
Yeah, my grammar is atrocious. Commas confuse me. Semicolons make me wonder, and I've been told that in general, talk like Yoda I do. I have a lot of work to go in that regards.
As for having something more unique for Celestia to talk to Twilight about as far as death. I wanted to avoid putting anything here that wasn't fact. I wanted to make it clear that she wasn't telling her an opinion or belief. But a fact. The universe is vast. Energy can't be destroyed. These are things that are irrefutable.
I guess this story just ended up not being about the questions of life and death, as much as it is about Twiligh's need to know. Something that I feel I didn't set up well was the depth of that need. I fell into that old trap of knowing what motivated a character, thus forgetting to explain that to my reader.
>>regidar
This feel of Twilight being uninterested is a failing on my part. I wanted to try writing her here as a form of high functioning sociopath. I wanted to make a version of her that looked at the world, and didn't quit gel with the emotions of those around her. I just forgot to tell any of this to the readers. So her reactions to the things going on have this unexplained sense of detachment from her. Again, a failing on my part to properly represent her character.
>>ToXikyogHurt
I think setting the scene is a vary important part of the story, it sets the mood for the whole work to come. That and I do love me some scenery-porn.
I love the irony of the fact that it seemed like her tryst was a form of setup for the child at the end, when in fact it was the other way around. Nearing the end, I really didn't want Twilight to jump, so I looked back at that part, and thought what better to ground Twi in reality, and pull her back from her existential crisis, than that.
The point of the scene with the lover was to show an example of how Twilight could do silly things in her need to find things out. I didn't even think of using for this. Which is why it would feel sloppy in that regards.
I have a lot of shortcomings as a writer, but the one that bugs me the most is my inability to write in the proper perspective. In the scene where Twilight looks back to the time her grandmother died, what I wanted to do was set up the genesis of this question. I was not sure if I could shift the story into a flashback without breaking the perspective. So I did it as her actively thinking back, a mistake in retrospect.
And yes, as a fan of mlp, I can understand your frustration with me explaining who Twilight Sparkle is, and how she thinks. I just don't want to fall into the fan fiction trap of working with characters the readers would already know inside and out. What I was trying to do was write a story that a non fan could read and not get lost in. The only question my non mlp fan asked was "who is Pinkie Pie?"
>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks for the praise on that last scene. I think how a story is ended is paramount to the execution of it as a whole. It was for me, the easiest to write. Or, at least came the easiest, with no need for second guessing or rewriting.
I tried to do as much showing as I could in a story existing solely in the mind of the character. Anything that had to do with her emotions, or how she reacted to the idea of certain things, I tried to do through subtle hints in her movement, and the scenery around here. In retrospect, perhaps a little too subtle.
>>Trick_Question
A true point about Twilight not realy seeming to be the type to kill herself out of curiosity. I was going to try and portray her in the the light of being somebody that can get hung up on an idea and not let it go. She would get overly obsessed over it, not being able to let go of it. As I said previously, I simply forgot to.
As I was writing this story, it was telling me what kind of story it wanted to be. Wow, that sounds really corny, but is true nonetheless.
After finishing it, I found that it was a story about how people can get lost in the big things, the great questions in life. When in truth, in the day-to-day of our lives, it doesn't really matter. When compared to the love of her child, and the responsibility of taking care of her, all the knowledge in the world can't even compair. Hopfuly one day, I can do justice to that idea.
>>Winston
>>regidar
>>ToXikyogHurt
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
First of all, I want to thank you all for your honest and straightforward reviews of my story. I can't tell you how much it means to me that I can actually write on a site like this, and have my work seen by writers who will give it a good look over and tell me what is lacking.
After each review, I'd take what was said, and with that in mind, I'd reread my story again, trying to see it from the perspective of that person, or at least trying to see it in a new light. Doing this let me really see my writing with new eyes.
Although I submitted the prompt for this round, I didn't really have anything specific in mind for it. Other than that it was a quote I liked, and I'm a fan of post apocalyptic stories. When it got picked, I saw it as a sign that I should take the dive, and actually submit a story.
I ended up procrastinating till almost the last hour to start working on it.
I've been told that the best way to write is to make an outline of what I want to happen, and then flesh out that idea. This led me to simply stare at my screen for over an hour with nothing to show for it. So I did the only thing that has ever worked for me. I just started writing, and let it take me where it would.
Other than the vague concept of Twilight thinking about jumping off a cliff, I started with no idea how this was going to play out, or even what the tone of the story was going to be. Shoot, I didn't even know if she was going to jump or not.
>>Zaid Val'Roa
Self reflection is something I like in a story as well. Although looking back at it, doing almost the whole story in that manner was perhaps a miscalculation on my part.
And as for horses doing horse things. I always saw them as being more like cats, and small enough to sit on laps.
>>Winston
Yeah, my grammar is atrocious. Commas confuse me. Semicolons make me wonder, and I've been told that in general, talk like Yoda I do. I have a lot of work to go in that regards.
As for having something more unique for Celestia to talk to Twilight about as far as death. I wanted to avoid putting anything here that wasn't fact. I wanted to make it clear that she wasn't telling her an opinion or belief. But a fact. The universe is vast. Energy can't be destroyed. These are things that are irrefutable.
I guess this story just ended up not being about the questions of life and death, as much as it is about Twiligh's need to know. Something that I feel I didn't set up well was the depth of that need. I fell into that old trap of knowing what motivated a character, thus forgetting to explain that to my reader.
>>regidar
This feel of Twilight being uninterested is a failing on my part. I wanted to try writing her here as a form of high functioning sociopath. I wanted to make a version of her that looked at the world, and didn't quit gel with the emotions of those around her. I just forgot to tell any of this to the readers. So her reactions to the things going on have this unexplained sense of detachment from her. Again, a failing on my part to properly represent her character.
>>ToXikyogHurt
I think setting the scene is a vary important part of the story, it sets the mood for the whole work to come. That and I do love me some scenery-porn.
I love the irony of the fact that it seemed like her tryst was a form of setup for the child at the end, when in fact it was the other way around. Nearing the end, I really didn't want Twilight to jump, so I looked back at that part, and thought what better to ground Twi in reality, and pull her back from her existential crisis, than that.
The point of the scene with the lover was to show an example of how Twilight could do silly things in her need to find things out. I didn't even think of using for this. Which is why it would feel sloppy in that regards.
I have a lot of shortcomings as a writer, but the one that bugs me the most is my inability to write in the proper perspective. In the scene where Twilight looks back to the time her grandmother died, what I wanted to do was set up the genesis of this question. I was not sure if I could shift the story into a flashback without breaking the perspective. So I did it as her actively thinking back, a mistake in retrospect.
And yes, as a fan of mlp, I can understand your frustration with me explaining who Twilight Sparkle is, and how she thinks. I just don't want to fall into the fan fiction trap of working with characters the readers would already know inside and out. What I was trying to do was write a story that a non fan could read and not get lost in. The only question my non mlp fan asked was "who is Pinkie Pie?"
>>CoffeeMinion
Thanks for the praise on that last scene. I think how a story is ended is paramount to the execution of it as a whole. It was for me, the easiest to write. Or, at least came the easiest, with no need for second guessing or rewriting.
I tried to do as much showing as I could in a story existing solely in the mind of the character. Anything that had to do with her emotions, or how she reacted to the idea of certain things, I tried to do through subtle hints in her movement, and the scenery around here. In retrospect, perhaps a little too subtle.
>>Trick_Question
A true point about Twilight not realy seeming to be the type to kill herself out of curiosity. I was going to try and portray her in the the light of being somebody that can get hung up on an idea and not let it go. She would get overly obsessed over it, not being able to let go of it. As I said previously, I simply forgot to.
As I was writing this story, it was telling me what kind of story it wanted to be. Wow, that sounds really corny, but is true nonetheless.
After finishing it, I found that it was a story about how people can get lost in the big things, the great questions in life. When in truth, in the day-to-day of our lives, it doesn't really matter. When compared to the love of her child, and the responsibility of taking care of her, all the knowledge in the world can't even compair. Hopfuly one day, I can do justice to that idea.
>>Lamplighter
Well, it's not something that can't be worked on very well. I stand by what I said, you have a very good potential story here that you can rough out of the draft.
Well, it's not something that can't be worked on very well. I stand by what I said, you have a very good potential story here that you can rough out of the draft.
>>Lamplighter
>>regidar
I'm inclined to agree. I like the setup and concept, the order of scenes, the resolution. It could be such a lovely story; if only it were finished. That's why I was so annoyed.
My drafts are nothing like this; I write perhaps a paragraph of plot, then mostly wing it. There's far more here than that. I can almost see what it wants to be at every turn, and it just isn't there. What this needs is expanding to fill the gaps, along with some proper editing.
Important lesson here then. It doesn't matter what order you think of things in, we only see them in the order they appear in the writing. You can write a later scene because of an idea you had in an earlier one, but there's nothing stopping you going back and tweaking the earlier scene to fit your new idea a little better. Drop some foreshadowing in. Spin a line of dialogue a little differently.
Twi's kid keeping her grounded in reality really does wonders for this little arc. I'd love to have seen some of the process of Twi:
Deciding to get some
Finding a stallion
Convincing them
Realising she's made a mistake
Separating amicably
Having a foal that she loves, despite the separation
That takes time, of course, and we were limited here. Hell, that on it's own is an entire novella to me. I wonder if you just tried to write far too much plot, given the limits here. Reached too far and spread the writing too thin. That's certainly how it seemed.
I'd like to see this become what it was born to be.
>>regidar
I'm inclined to agree. I like the setup and concept, the order of scenes, the resolution. It could be such a lovely story; if only it were finished. That's why I was so annoyed.
My drafts are nothing like this; I write perhaps a paragraph of plot, then mostly wing it. There's far more here than that. I can almost see what it wants to be at every turn, and it just isn't there. What this needs is expanding to fill the gaps, along with some proper editing.
I love the irony...
Important lesson here then. It doesn't matter what order you think of things in, we only see them in the order they appear in the writing. You can write a later scene because of an idea you had in an earlier one, but there's nothing stopping you going back and tweaking the earlier scene to fit your new idea a little better. Drop some foreshadowing in. Spin a line of dialogue a little differently.
Twi's kid keeping her grounded in reality really does wonders for this little arc. I'd love to have seen some of the process of Twi:
Deciding to get some
Finding a stallion
Convincing them
Realising she's made a mistake
Separating amicably
Having a foal that she loves, despite the separation
That takes time, of course, and we were limited here. Hell, that on it's own is an entire novella to me. I wonder if you just tried to write far too much plot, given the limits here. Reached too far and spread the writing too thin. That's certainly how it seemed.
I'd like to see this become what it was born to be.