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Knights and Dragons
Finally, the gallant Knight had no other quests to finish, no other townspeople to save, no other roads he had to travel. For there, in the gaping cave he was staring into, was the beautiful Princess, captured and held hostage by the horrendous Dragon. It was very dark, but that was no problem; he carried a torch with him, as any responsible knight would. A sore itched in his mouth, and he frowned at the taste of blood.
The cave was big, and seemed to grow bigger as the Knight looked at it, though that may have been because his trusty Steed was carrying him on. A deep, reverberating breath echoed through the cavern. It seemed that the dragon's horde was endless, with gold, jewels, and treasures heaped everywhere he could find. A lesser knight may have been tempted to steal from its horde, but the Knight decided that the dragon was the real prize; or rather, the prestige of slaying one was.
As the gallant Knight walked in further, a sense of absolute fear crept upon his gut. There were times when he trusted his gut, and there were times when he realized that trusting his gut would lead to something very bad. He delivered a soft but sharp kick to his Steed, which stopped and whinnied softly, as if to say, "Geez, I was waiting for you to do that!" (Upon his return, some sources claimed that the horse actually had said that in horse-speak; unfortunately, those sources consisted of a bat, a cracker, and a drop of water, all of which have been beheaded.) The fearless Knight dismounted - less than gracefully, but that is to be expected when wearing a full set of armor - and put his ear next to a wall.
He heard the sound of the fine Princess panting, obviously endangered by the Dragon (who may have been panting as well, but not much is known about dragons anyways). He backed away from the wall, and yelled in as manly and loud a voice he could muster, "Fear not, my Princess! For I, the Knight, have come to save you!"
Any further speech he planned to say was interrupted by the monstrous Dragon roaring throughout the cave.
There were times when he doubted his gut, and there were times when he acknowledged that doubting his gut would lead to something very bad.
He ran.
The lucky Knight was very lucky indeed; he made it out of the cave before the Dragon could trap him. Of course, he was still a Knight fighting a Dragon, which was perhaps the definition of a lopsided fight. The Knight and his trusty Steed saw the horrible Dragon behind him, and charged -
The Knight and his traitorous Steed continued running away. Or rather, they charged in the opposite direction that the Knight intended to. He was fully considering leaping off of his rebellious horse and charging himself when the Princess appeared in the mouth of the cave, looking horrified. As the Dragon loomed over him, most likely to pick his body parts from his body, the Princess did the only thing she could think of doing, and let out a shrill scream.
The Dragon paused, turning, and the quick-thinking Knight notched an arrow, and sent it directly through the Dragon's mouth.
To be fair, it was on the small side.
"Fear not, my Princess! For I, the Knight -"
Any further speech he planned to say was interrupted by the ashen face of the Princess staring at the still-twitching dragon.
The sullen Princess had not said a single word on the ride back to the castle, and frankly, the confused Knight had no clue what to say to her. There were a couple of times when he tried to say something, mostly romantic advances, but they all ended in awkward silences when the Princess didn't say anything, and the Knight felt bad for not being able to say anything.
Now, finally, they and their tired Steed arrived back at the King's castle, Dragon in tow. The victorious Knight, of course, was not thinking about the late hour, and so woke up the whole city by shouting, "I have slain the Dragon and rescued the Princess!"
To which most of the town shouted back, "Go away, you religious numbnut!" But the ones on the streets nearest him saw the frightful Dragon lying in the streets, and exclaimed, "It is true! The Knight has slain the Dragon and rescued the Princess!"
Of course, that caused a ruckus, one which forced the King to get up. People loved the King, but they feared him early in the morning.
The King shouted, "What's the ruckus?!"
And the town cried, "The Princess has been rescued! The Dragon has been slain!"
There was a long silence. The townspeople looked at nowhere in particular, the Knight began to feel his face getting hotter, the Dragon continued to be unconscious, and the sleeping Princess fell off the horse. She made a muffled "thud". A cricket chirped, just because it could. Footsteps approached them; it was the grand King, running in all his glory in six-inch shoes and a giant crown.
He cried, "It is true! The Knight has slain the Dragon! The Knight has rescued the Princess!"
And the town cheered. Partially because their Princess had been rescued, and partially because they knew that day was going to be a very good day.
It was. A feast was held, but only for the landowners. The townspeople did have a mandatory day off, direct orders from the crown. This was special; days off were normally ignored at weekends and reserved at holidays.
The brave Knight and stunning Princess, though, were not happy. One was not happy because the other was not happy, and the other was not happy because she was back at the Kingdom. They were both absent from the festivities because they were seeing each other.
A sample of their conversation: "What's wrong, dear Princess? I have saved you from that monstrous dragon."
"Oh, dear Knight, I am very pleased you have saved me."
"And I am pleased you are pleased. But why are you not at the festivities?"
"Why are you not at the festivities?"
"Dear Princess, if you were at the festivities, then we would not be having this conversation."
"Dear Knight, if you were at the festivities, then we would also not be having this conversation."
Etc, etc, etc.
Let's move on.
The impatient Knight got tired of being outspoken. "Dear Princess, I appreciate that you appreciate that we know that I would be happier if you would be happier if we were not having this conversation, but hear me out. You have not been acting like yourself lately. You have seemed, erm, out-of-sorts lately."
"How would you know that? We did not know each other before you decided to take me back."
The room took on a darker tone.
"You are mad that I have rescued you from the Dragon."
"No, I am mad because I stubbed a toe." She huffed, and turned away.
"So..." He could not find the words. "You love the Dragon."
She paused. She stiffened. She suddenly took the Knight by hand, mightily pulled him into the room, and heaved the door almost-shut before gingerly closing it. "Yes."
"Ah."
"But he is dead."
"Ah."
"And he is going to be carved up into meat and dragon-scale and organs and sold for a hefty profit."
"Ah. Let me gather my thoughts so that I may tell you what I think about it."
The patient Knight gathered his thoughts.
"Are you crazy?! Dragons are inhuman! That's bestiality, insanity, something-ity!"
"Something-ity?"
"I couldn't think of a third -ity. But that's beside the point! You're crazy! I'm taking you to the Church -"
"No," she hissed. "I will not be taken to the Church!"
"But you love a dragon. That means you have been taken over by a dragon spirit, and you need to be exorcised before -"
"No, and that's an order!"
"You're out of your mind. I don't need to follow orders from someone possessed."
"I am not -"
"Shut up! You're coming with me, and that's final!"
She slapped him. She, the beautiful Princess, slapped the gallant Knight. He was slapped by her.
He paused. Stared at her. The fire in her eyes was not the crazy kind. No, the fire in her eyes was the kind that was sure, unwavering, and very not crazy. He knew; he had seen those eyes many times, in his parents before him, in his peers, even in a mirror. "I believe you."
But she was not done. "So what if you're possessed?"
"Then someone else will call for help. And I've seen those eyes. Those eyes are not possessed."
They took deep breaths. Together, though they did not know it.
"Very well. Can we keep this a secret between us?"
"Yes."
"Well, then." And it was all cordiality again. "I hope to meet you sometime again, Knight."
"And I hope to meet you soon, Princess."
For them, soon was in a week. The Knight received a summons from his room, and untraditionally, he walked himself from his exalted room to the Princess. (Another untraditioniality was that the summons were written on a postcard.)
When he got there, the Princess was glowing, her face radiant. "He is alive! The Dragon is alive! He has gone missing. You didn't kill him!"
But the Knight was now ashen. "I didn't kill him? Then - why - did - we - take - him - to - the - king?"
The Princess started to say something, then realized that he was right. "Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I hope that you are well in the next few days, and I will be seeing you at your trial."
He stared at the ground. "I will become the laughingstock of the Kingdom! Nobles, knights, even peasants will laugh as I pass by in shame! And when I die! I will not get a grave! I will get an inscription, 'Here lies a fool who failed in his duty'!"
The Princess stared at him. Took him in, for she only now realized that it was the last she would be seeing of him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you scared like that."
"It's not all bad. At least you get your dragon."
"But..." Any further speech she planned to say was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Hello," a deep voice resonated from the other side.
They froze.
"Is this..." He paused. "the Princess?"
She threw herself to the door, and opened it. On the other side was not a certain dragon in human form. Indeed, such things are known to be impossible. Instead, there was a very irritated-looking royal guard.
"Princess, you have been summoned to the Church." He looked slightly to the left. "And Knight, you have also been summoned."
The two looked at each other.
The Church was big, to say the least. Vaulted glass windows hung on either side, and a great gaping roof sat on top of great tall walls. The Princess was held on one side, the Knight on the other.
"Well, then," the Bishop said to them. "Princess, you are accused of harboring a dragon spirit. According to the customs of the Church, you will be exorcised."
"Wait," they exclaimed. "Don't I (Doesn't she) get a trial?"
"Hmmm... no." The Bishop paused for a minute, turning a page over. "And Knight. You have been accused of bringing a dragon into the royal town."
"I plead innocent!" he cried.
"Hmmm... guilty." The Bishop paused another minute, turning another page. "Take him away!"
And suddenly, the roof tore open, and all hell broke loose. The Dragon, in all his might and glory, started breathing fire and slashing at the assorted religious people, who ran away with hands clasped. The Princess and Knight looked in awe, as the Bishop dived for cover, inadvertently knocking his stand over and bouncing the keys right to them.
And they stood and watched as the Dragon destroyed the ceiling, the walls, the people around them -
- and suddenly fell beside them, his life having been taken by a spare spear.
He croaked out noises. It may have been the death bellows of a beast. It may have been random gibberish, collected from his years close to culture. It may have been English. It may have been a language no one understood.
No matter what it was, Hazel looked the Dragon in his serpentine eye. "I understand."
And the Dragon took its last breath.
A week later, Arthur the Knight, Hazel the Princess, Darren the King, and the Counts were gathered in the halls to feast. "The dragon is truly no more," the town cried.
And the two cried in their rooms in between the festivities.
The head chef brought in a dish. "Dragon meat," he said. Arthur stared at the utensils, and wished for a torch to burn... something... with. A count, the unfortunately named Count Wesselton, looked at him. "Is something the matter?"
He picked up the fork, and took a bite of the bloody meat.
It was delicious.
The cave was big, and seemed to grow bigger as the Knight looked at it, though that may have been because his trusty Steed was carrying him on. A deep, reverberating breath echoed through the cavern. It seemed that the dragon's horde was endless, with gold, jewels, and treasures heaped everywhere he could find. A lesser knight may have been tempted to steal from its horde, but the Knight decided that the dragon was the real prize; or rather, the prestige of slaying one was.
As the gallant Knight walked in further, a sense of absolute fear crept upon his gut. There were times when he trusted his gut, and there were times when he realized that trusting his gut would lead to something very bad. He delivered a soft but sharp kick to his Steed, which stopped and whinnied softly, as if to say, "Geez, I was waiting for you to do that!" (Upon his return, some sources claimed that the horse actually had said that in horse-speak; unfortunately, those sources consisted of a bat, a cracker, and a drop of water, all of which have been beheaded.) The fearless Knight dismounted - less than gracefully, but that is to be expected when wearing a full set of armor - and put his ear next to a wall.
He heard the sound of the fine Princess panting, obviously endangered by the Dragon (who may have been panting as well, but not much is known about dragons anyways). He backed away from the wall, and yelled in as manly and loud a voice he could muster, "Fear not, my Princess! For I, the Knight, have come to save you!"
Any further speech he planned to say was interrupted by the monstrous Dragon roaring throughout the cave.
There were times when he doubted his gut, and there were times when he acknowledged that doubting his gut would lead to something very bad.
He ran.
The lucky Knight was very lucky indeed; he made it out of the cave before the Dragon could trap him. Of course, he was still a Knight fighting a Dragon, which was perhaps the definition of a lopsided fight. The Knight and his trusty Steed saw the horrible Dragon behind him, and charged -
The Knight and his traitorous Steed continued running away. Or rather, they charged in the opposite direction that the Knight intended to. He was fully considering leaping off of his rebellious horse and charging himself when the Princess appeared in the mouth of the cave, looking horrified. As the Dragon loomed over him, most likely to pick his body parts from his body, the Princess did the only thing she could think of doing, and let out a shrill scream.
The Dragon paused, turning, and the quick-thinking Knight notched an arrow, and sent it directly through the Dragon's mouth.
To be fair, it was on the small side.
"Fear not, my Princess! For I, the Knight -"
Any further speech he planned to say was interrupted by the ashen face of the Princess staring at the still-twitching dragon.
The sullen Princess had not said a single word on the ride back to the castle, and frankly, the confused Knight had no clue what to say to her. There were a couple of times when he tried to say something, mostly romantic advances, but they all ended in awkward silences when the Princess didn't say anything, and the Knight felt bad for not being able to say anything.
Now, finally, they and their tired Steed arrived back at the King's castle, Dragon in tow. The victorious Knight, of course, was not thinking about the late hour, and so woke up the whole city by shouting, "I have slain the Dragon and rescued the Princess!"
To which most of the town shouted back, "Go away, you religious numbnut!" But the ones on the streets nearest him saw the frightful Dragon lying in the streets, and exclaimed, "It is true! The Knight has slain the Dragon and rescued the Princess!"
Of course, that caused a ruckus, one which forced the King to get up. People loved the King, but they feared him early in the morning.
The King shouted, "What's the ruckus?!"
And the town cried, "The Princess has been rescued! The Dragon has been slain!"
There was a long silence. The townspeople looked at nowhere in particular, the Knight began to feel his face getting hotter, the Dragon continued to be unconscious, and the sleeping Princess fell off the horse. She made a muffled "thud". A cricket chirped, just because it could. Footsteps approached them; it was the grand King, running in all his glory in six-inch shoes and a giant crown.
He cried, "It is true! The Knight has slain the Dragon! The Knight has rescued the Princess!"
And the town cheered. Partially because their Princess had been rescued, and partially because they knew that day was going to be a very good day.
It was. A feast was held, but only for the landowners. The townspeople did have a mandatory day off, direct orders from the crown. This was special; days off were normally ignored at weekends and reserved at holidays.
The brave Knight and stunning Princess, though, were not happy. One was not happy because the other was not happy, and the other was not happy because she was back at the Kingdom. They were both absent from the festivities because they were seeing each other.
A sample of their conversation: "What's wrong, dear Princess? I have saved you from that monstrous dragon."
"Oh, dear Knight, I am very pleased you have saved me."
"And I am pleased you are pleased. But why are you not at the festivities?"
"Why are you not at the festivities?"
"Dear Princess, if you were at the festivities, then we would not be having this conversation."
"Dear Knight, if you were at the festivities, then we would also not be having this conversation."
Etc, etc, etc.
Let's move on.
The impatient Knight got tired of being outspoken. "Dear Princess, I appreciate that you appreciate that we know that I would be happier if you would be happier if we were not having this conversation, but hear me out. You have not been acting like yourself lately. You have seemed, erm, out-of-sorts lately."
"How would you know that? We did not know each other before you decided to take me back."
The room took on a darker tone.
"You are mad that I have rescued you from the Dragon."
"No, I am mad because I stubbed a toe." She huffed, and turned away.
"So..." He could not find the words. "You love the Dragon."
She paused. She stiffened. She suddenly took the Knight by hand, mightily pulled him into the room, and heaved the door almost-shut before gingerly closing it. "Yes."
"Ah."
"But he is dead."
"Ah."
"And he is going to be carved up into meat and dragon-scale and organs and sold for a hefty profit."
"Ah. Let me gather my thoughts so that I may tell you what I think about it."
The patient Knight gathered his thoughts.
"Are you crazy?! Dragons are inhuman! That's bestiality, insanity, something-ity!"
"Something-ity?"
"I couldn't think of a third -ity. But that's beside the point! You're crazy! I'm taking you to the Church -"
"No," she hissed. "I will not be taken to the Church!"
"But you love a dragon. That means you have been taken over by a dragon spirit, and you need to be exorcised before -"
"No, and that's an order!"
"You're out of your mind. I don't need to follow orders from someone possessed."
"I am not -"
"Shut up! You're coming with me, and that's final!"
She slapped him. She, the beautiful Princess, slapped the gallant Knight. He was slapped by her.
He paused. Stared at her. The fire in her eyes was not the crazy kind. No, the fire in her eyes was the kind that was sure, unwavering, and very not crazy. He knew; he had seen those eyes many times, in his parents before him, in his peers, even in a mirror. "I believe you."
But she was not done. "So what if you're possessed?"
"Then someone else will call for help. And I've seen those eyes. Those eyes are not possessed."
They took deep breaths. Together, though they did not know it.
"Very well. Can we keep this a secret between us?"
"Yes."
"Well, then." And it was all cordiality again. "I hope to meet you sometime again, Knight."
"And I hope to meet you soon, Princess."
For them, soon was in a week. The Knight received a summons from his room, and untraditionally, he walked himself from his exalted room to the Princess. (Another untraditioniality was that the summons were written on a postcard.)
When he got there, the Princess was glowing, her face radiant. "He is alive! The Dragon is alive! He has gone missing. You didn't kill him!"
But the Knight was now ashen. "I didn't kill him? Then - why - did - we - take - him - to - the - king?"
The Princess started to say something, then realized that he was right. "Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I hope that you are well in the next few days, and I will be seeing you at your trial."
He stared at the ground. "I will become the laughingstock of the Kingdom! Nobles, knights, even peasants will laugh as I pass by in shame! And when I die! I will not get a grave! I will get an inscription, 'Here lies a fool who failed in his duty'!"
The Princess stared at him. Took him in, for she only now realized that it was the last she would be seeing of him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you scared like that."
"It's not all bad. At least you get your dragon."
"But..." Any further speech she planned to say was interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Hello," a deep voice resonated from the other side.
They froze.
"Is this..." He paused. "the Princess?"
She threw herself to the door, and opened it. On the other side was not a certain dragon in human form. Indeed, such things are known to be impossible. Instead, there was a very irritated-looking royal guard.
"Princess, you have been summoned to the Church." He looked slightly to the left. "And Knight, you have also been summoned."
The two looked at each other.
The Church was big, to say the least. Vaulted glass windows hung on either side, and a great gaping roof sat on top of great tall walls. The Princess was held on one side, the Knight on the other.
"Well, then," the Bishop said to them. "Princess, you are accused of harboring a dragon spirit. According to the customs of the Church, you will be exorcised."
"Wait," they exclaimed. "Don't I (Doesn't she) get a trial?"
"Hmmm... no." The Bishop paused for a minute, turning a page over. "And Knight. You have been accused of bringing a dragon into the royal town."
"I plead innocent!" he cried.
"Hmmm... guilty." The Bishop paused another minute, turning another page. "Take him away!"
And suddenly, the roof tore open, and all hell broke loose. The Dragon, in all his might and glory, started breathing fire and slashing at the assorted religious people, who ran away with hands clasped. The Princess and Knight looked in awe, as the Bishop dived for cover, inadvertently knocking his stand over and bouncing the keys right to them.
And they stood and watched as the Dragon destroyed the ceiling, the walls, the people around them -
- and suddenly fell beside them, his life having been taken by a spare spear.
He croaked out noises. It may have been the death bellows of a beast. It may have been random gibberish, collected from his years close to culture. It may have been English. It may have been a language no one understood.
No matter what it was, Hazel looked the Dragon in his serpentine eye. "I understand."
And the Dragon took its last breath.
A week later, Arthur the Knight, Hazel the Princess, Darren the King, and the Counts were gathered in the halls to feast. "The dragon is truly no more," the town cried.
And the two cried in their rooms in between the festivities.
The head chef brought in a dish. "Dragon meat," he said. Arthur stared at the utensils, and wished for a torch to burn... something... with. A count, the unfortunately named Count Wesselton, looked at him. "Is something the matter?"
He picked up the fork, and took a bite of the bloody meat.
It was delicious.
Okay, let's do this thing!
2 – Knights and Dragons
I'm assuming, based on the hook, that this is going to be a comedy. The first two sentences only make logical sense in the context of the cliche of the hero's journey, but they break down if you think about them. (Why would finding the Princess mean that the Knight had nothing else he had to do? The idea of the Princess as the end-goal of his existence is... depressing and kind of kills his character's agency.) So here's hoping this is getting played to subvert the cliche.
Okay, with the bat, cracker, and drop of water line it looks like this is definitely getting played for laughs. Good tonal setup, then. I think you could probably bring the cliche to the fore a little more strongly, but your instincts have been good so far. The humor isn't playing great for me here, though—particularly that bat, cracker, drop of water line. It's too non-sequitor to really be funny to me, and it doesn't seem very cohesive with the rest of the piece except inasmuch as it's the clearest indication of the story's tone. I'd try looking for some humor that can more directly expand our understanding of the world or the characters. The fact that a bat, a cracker, and a drop of water are being beheaded suggests a very strange world, but there's no follow-through on that point.
There's a serious lack of clarity in the line: "To be fair, it was on the small side." I read this as a comment about the arrow, suggesting that it wouldn't do any damage. But it looks like it was about the dragon, and the arrow killed it. This isn't the only case of loose phrasing I'm seeing—the charge, in particular, stands out, though you do a good job cleaning that up immediately. It's a thing I'd suggest watching for as you edit, though.
"'Go away you religious numbnut!'" is another non-sequitor. It doesn't seem to have any relation to what we've seein in the story, so it's kind of a hanging piece of character elaboration without any connective tissue (i.e. classic telling without showing). On the other hand, "People loved the King, but they feared him early in the morning" is a great line in my opinion. It carries a wonderful amount of information and humor for a character introduction.
Similarly, I like the "we would not be having this conversation"s. There's a great double-meaning hanging out in there, and I think it says a lot about both characters.
Why do the characters suddenly get names in the last 200 words? This really rubs me the wrong way. If they were going to get names, what was the point of going 2000 words without them?
Through to the end. Overall impression here: I like the characters, but not a whole lot else. Everything that happens here is pretty predictable and cliche, and fairly loosely executed. This needs a lot of structural and prose tightening.
That said, I did genuinely enjoy the Knight and the Princess. I think you could get a lot more mileage out of them by really playing more to type, though. The Knight is the living embodiment of the medieval cliche, down to all the ancillary idiocy. He's a bit like the opposite of John Steinbeck's Lancelot. There's some good comedy potential there, especially when you play him off against the Princess who's exactly the opposite—refusing to be bound by the cliche and living her life the way she wants. The conversation between them is one of the highlights of this story (though much of it could still be substantially improved).
I expect that this will end up low on my ballot, but you're showing some good instincts with characters here, author. You just need to refine that work and polish the rest of the story.
HORSE: ▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉
TIER: Needs Work
2 – Knights and Dragons
I'm assuming, based on the hook, that this is going to be a comedy. The first two sentences only make logical sense in the context of the cliche of the hero's journey, but they break down if you think about them. (Why would finding the Princess mean that the Knight had nothing else he had to do? The idea of the Princess as the end-goal of his existence is... depressing and kind of kills his character's agency.) So here's hoping this is getting played to subvert the cliche.
Okay, with the bat, cracker, and drop of water line it looks like this is definitely getting played for laughs. Good tonal setup, then. I think you could probably bring the cliche to the fore a little more strongly, but your instincts have been good so far. The humor isn't playing great for me here, though—particularly that bat, cracker, drop of water line. It's too non-sequitor to really be funny to me, and it doesn't seem very cohesive with the rest of the piece except inasmuch as it's the clearest indication of the story's tone. I'd try looking for some humor that can more directly expand our understanding of the world or the characters. The fact that a bat, a cracker, and a drop of water are being beheaded suggests a very strange world, but there's no follow-through on that point.
There's a serious lack of clarity in the line: "To be fair, it was on the small side." I read this as a comment about the arrow, suggesting that it wouldn't do any damage. But it looks like it was about the dragon, and the arrow killed it. This isn't the only case of loose phrasing I'm seeing—the charge, in particular, stands out, though you do a good job cleaning that up immediately. It's a thing I'd suggest watching for as you edit, though.
"'Go away you religious numbnut!'" is another non-sequitor. It doesn't seem to have any relation to what we've seein in the story, so it's kind of a hanging piece of character elaboration without any connective tissue (i.e. classic telling without showing). On the other hand, "People loved the King, but they feared him early in the morning" is a great line in my opinion. It carries a wonderful amount of information and humor for a character introduction.
Similarly, I like the "we would not be having this conversation"s. There's a great double-meaning hanging out in there, and I think it says a lot about both characters.
Why do the characters suddenly get names in the last 200 words? This really rubs me the wrong way. If they were going to get names, what was the point of going 2000 words without them?
Through to the end. Overall impression here: I like the characters, but not a whole lot else. Everything that happens here is pretty predictable and cliche, and fairly loosely executed. This needs a lot of structural and prose tightening.
That said, I did genuinely enjoy the Knight and the Princess. I think you could get a lot more mileage out of them by really playing more to type, though. The Knight is the living embodiment of the medieval cliche, down to all the ancillary idiocy. He's a bit like the opposite of John Steinbeck's Lancelot. There's some good comedy potential there, especially when you play him off against the Princess who's exactly the opposite—refusing to be bound by the cliche and living her life the way she wants. The conversation between them is one of the highlights of this story (though much of it could still be substantially improved).
I expect that this will end up low on my ballot, but you're showing some good instincts with characters here, author. You just need to refine that work and polish the rest of the story.
HORSE: ▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉▉
TIER: Needs Work
>>Monokeras
...shut up, Monokeras. (u_u);
(Yes, it's non sequitur. I've been spelling it wrong forever, probably. I'm gonna leave it the way it was, just to let posterity remember that I make mistakes.)
...shut up, Monokeras. (u_u);
(Yes, it's non sequitur. I've been spelling it wrong forever, probably. I'm gonna leave it the way it was, just to let posterity remember that I make mistakes.)
This doesn't really work. The intent is pretty clearly comedy, and so it's difficult to diagnose why it doesn't work. Saying 'it's not particularly funny' doesn't help out, I know. So I'll try to be more specific with some suggestions, but take these thoughts with a grain of salt; humor is even more subjective than other kinds of writing, I think.
There's kind of a mishmash of different tones and kinds of jokes, and it doesn't come together into something I ever feel like I have a handle on. The establishment of Knight and Princess and Dragon as capitalized terms like that by themselves indicates a certain kind of archness and play off ironic subversions, but then a lot of your jokes are very blunt and lowbrow-ish, and that's jarring (and then assigning them actual names at the end is even more odd). But it also distances them a lot as characters. I wanted to have a reason to understand the Princess loving the Dragon, but they're never really established as characters. I think a good comedic story has to have a solid story underlying the jokes, but I found myself baffled throughout: what dragon did the Knight kill? Why was it back? What was with them thinking they heard the Dragon's voice? What's with the Church (which also can be kind of a tricky topic to throw in as a joke)? The best part of the story is probably the very beginning, where we were grounded in the clear Knight-kills-Dragon narrative, that you then subverted with the Knight running away. That wasn't spectacularly funny, but it was coherent, and I could see a kind of amusement there. The further you get from there the more it spiraled out of control for me.
Sorry; this is not necessarily a bad piece, and I expect that others will like it more than I did. I write so much just to try and diagnose some of the factors that made it flop for me, but it's difficult to truly determine how to fix the story.
There's kind of a mishmash of different tones and kinds of jokes, and it doesn't come together into something I ever feel like I have a handle on. The establishment of Knight and Princess and Dragon as capitalized terms like that by themselves indicates a certain kind of archness and play off ironic subversions, but then a lot of your jokes are very blunt and lowbrow-ish, and that's jarring (and then assigning them actual names at the end is even more odd). But it also distances them a lot as characters. I wanted to have a reason to understand the Princess loving the Dragon, but they're never really established as characters. I think a good comedic story has to have a solid story underlying the jokes, but I found myself baffled throughout: what dragon did the Knight kill? Why was it back? What was with them thinking they heard the Dragon's voice? What's with the Church (which also can be kind of a tricky topic to throw in as a joke)? The best part of the story is probably the very beginning, where we were grounded in the clear Knight-kills-Dragon narrative, that you then subverted with the Knight running away. That wasn't spectacularly funny, but it was coherent, and I could see a kind of amusement there. The further you get from there the more it spiraled out of control for me.
Sorry; this is not necessarily a bad piece, and I expect that others will like it more than I did. I write so much just to try and diagnose some of the factors that made it flop for me, but it's difficult to truly determine how to fix the story.
I was just minding my business when I decided to check in. Simple title, clicked.
I liked it, but it also lacks a bit in slang. There is a lot of matter of factly stuff that isn't strong. E.q:
That essentially said: "it was very dark, but he carried a torch, he was a responsible knight." Writing it as a sentence / paragraph makes for a weak idea, as it isn't a strong joke or punch itself, and the detail never builds much to a strong event.
Writing that sentence shorter with similar siblings wouldn't be much without an immersive effect or crecendo of some sort however.
And that's how the whole story feels to me: nice gimmickery, but most of my pleasure came from my own general mood I've been keeping and the fact that the story was nice without breaking it. The story doesn't have that much bang to set the mood itself.
Overall good floaty stuff, but I think there's a lack of attachment and suspense. I think the drawn out narrative [often] pulls away from the immersion without giving the punch to make up for it. E.g:
I think the dismounting and hearing doesn't add suspense with the low level of immersion. It's not bad, but hardly builds strength: that scene, like most, feels too little, too bare, for a complete dish. [EDIT: in particular, that armor is another detail that adds nothing.]
I won't presume a writing goal: side dishes and snacks serve well. But I'd say the sequence didn't feel attaching or tightly knit, so having the dragon reappear [amongst other things] wasn't much different than a completely out of the blue event. It was nice, but my dominant impression was simply: it happened. [Sails elsewhere]
That's how the story went for me: no strong conflict or comedy. He didn't argue against his mount to get in the cave, he didn't jump [trip] off his mount after yelling he'd save the princess, and he didn't run after his mount when the dragon roared [at the noise of his fall]. As I said, I think this story lacks a bit in slang. [But that's a style thing: telling what to improve is like telling someone what to get as a haircut.] Still, not bad.
I liked it, but it also lacks a bit in slang. There is a lot of matter of factly stuff that isn't strong. E.q:
It was very dark, but that was no problem; he carried a torch with him, as any responsible knight would.
That essentially said: "it was very dark, but he carried a torch, he was a responsible knight." Writing it as a sentence / paragraph makes for a weak idea, as it isn't a strong joke or punch itself, and the detail never builds much to a strong event.
Writing that sentence shorter with similar siblings wouldn't be much without an immersive effect or crecendo of some sort however.
And that's how the whole story feels to me: nice gimmickery, but most of my pleasure came from my own general mood I've been keeping and the fact that the story was nice without breaking it. The story doesn't have that much bang to set the mood itself.
Overall good floaty stuff, but I think there's a lack of attachment and suspense. I think the drawn out narrative [often] pulls away from the immersion without giving the punch to make up for it. E.g:
The fearless Knight dismounted - less than gracefully, but that is to be expected when wearing a full set of armor - and put his ear next to a wall.
I think the dismounting and hearing doesn't add suspense with the low level of immersion. It's not bad, but hardly builds strength: that scene, like most, feels too little, too bare, for a complete dish. [EDIT: in particular, that armor is another detail that adds nothing.]
I won't presume a writing goal: side dishes and snacks serve well. But I'd say the sequence didn't feel attaching or tightly knit, so having the dragon reappear [amongst other things] wasn't much different than a completely out of the blue event. It was nice, but my dominant impression was simply: it happened. [Sails elsewhere]
That's how the story went for me: no strong conflict or comedy. He didn't argue against his mount to get in the cave, he didn't jump [trip] off his mount after yelling he'd save the princess, and he didn't run after his mount when the dragon roared [at the noise of his fall]. As I said, I think this story lacks a bit in slang. [But that's a style thing: telling what to improve is like telling someone what to get as a haircut.] Still, not bad.
Okay, so, random whimsy as comedy is a very difficult road to tread, hard to pull off, and easy to mess up. And additionally, when someone says 'your mileage may vary' and it's related to this genre, you're talking about a cross country trip through the US, taking side-streets and going through rush hour traffic. This ain't no electric car mileage, that needle is swinging all over the place.
It's also difficult, as noted in a few other reviews I glanced at, to give advice on. What makes some other types of comedy funny is easier to dissect; sitcom conversational comedy usually is structured around clever wordplay insults or logically strange misunderstandings, romantic comedy involves schadenfreude embarrassment, physical comedy involves exaggerated movements and injury. Whimsy, though, is based on unexpected absurdity that confuses and intrigues because it follows an internal sense of logic that doesn't match up to the real world in any clear way. The places where the expected from one frame of reference overlaps with another frame of reference forms a contrast that, when done right, is amusing.
That's...not really easy to offer advice on. There isn't a really good or consistent way to try and say something like 'the list of a bat, a cracker, and a drop of water are (in addition to being culturally insensitive to bats) too absurd to read as anything beyond a bland list of three random things, please substitute them instead with a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker, and rather than being beheaded have them be lost at sea. This is funnier.' Number one, because frankly I'm not confident that actually is funnier or would read more strongly in place in the slightest, and number two because even if I was confident it's a horribly subjective thing to offer advice on.
Overall the story structure seemed appropriate for a farcical comedy, but I'm afraid there's not much more to say aside from that the comedy part didn't work for me. Might land better for other folks. If the comedy landed, there'd be very little to complain about.
It's also difficult, as noted in a few other reviews I glanced at, to give advice on. What makes some other types of comedy funny is easier to dissect; sitcom conversational comedy usually is structured around clever wordplay insults or logically strange misunderstandings, romantic comedy involves schadenfreude embarrassment, physical comedy involves exaggerated movements and injury. Whimsy, though, is based on unexpected absurdity that confuses and intrigues because it follows an internal sense of logic that doesn't match up to the real world in any clear way. The places where the expected from one frame of reference overlaps with another frame of reference forms a contrast that, when done right, is amusing.
That's...not really easy to offer advice on. There isn't a really good or consistent way to try and say something like 'the list of a bat, a cracker, and a drop of water are (in addition to being culturally insensitive to bats) too absurd to read as anything beyond a bland list of three random things, please substitute them instead with a butcher, a baker, and a candlestick maker, and rather than being beheaded have them be lost at sea. This is funnier.' Number one, because frankly I'm not confident that actually is funnier or would read more strongly in place in the slightest, and number two because even if I was confident it's a horribly subjective thing to offer advice on.
Overall the story structure seemed appropriate for a farcical comedy, but I'm afraid there's not much more to say aside from that the comedy part didn't work for me. Might land better for other folks. If the comedy landed, there'd be very little to complain about.
What the others have said.
Characterization and the zaniness of the setting fit in with the farcical, comedic tone. There remain just the issues of one-offs that befuddle more than amuse and an ending that, while concluding the story in its way, really doesn't clarify anything (and the addition of names actually makes things worse).
A silly romp that could easily be compelling after some attention.
Characterization and the zaniness of the setting fit in with the farcical, comedic tone. There remain just the issues of one-offs that befuddle more than amuse and an ending that, while concluding the story in its way, really doesn't clarify anything (and the addition of names actually makes things worse).
A silly romp that could easily be compelling after some attention.
Yay! Something I can actually sit down to and stand to read. What I can't be harsh? I took to this story and found it literally hitting my inner child. Time and again it had shown that the author's intent on entertaining me was top priority. while the writing was stylish to a point and blended in with some Monty Python style comedy, it overall was able to keep my attention throughout the whole story. Though some points need to be addressed as, I also found myself not only questioning the jokes, but also at a lost for what to feel for the characters. As always let's point out features of the story to help improve an author's writing.
POSITIVES
-Character Interaction
This was brilliantly done. I could feel the author had taken the time to script and write his jokes. By being able to implement it in your story, you've shown not only daring nerves of steel, But the fact you still think about the simple things in a story that make your pop out. In a way that just made this enjoyable. A different flavor for a different audience. Though as bold as it is, some people may not come to like this type of story style. while it was certainly my own cup of tea, others may look at it as silly and childish. I for one, loved how it reminded me back in the days of reading a fairy tail. Twisted with a mature sense as the jokes were right around my corner. The characters conversation added a flair, that I usually do not see in stories, ever. Simple lines and actions by the minor characters played a big part in this like yelling out profound lines as the punchline. Or simple thought that the crowds just accepted. Even the bishop with his instant judgement over the knight really made my day. Short sweet and simple to the point where I could reread it all day and not feel any different about it.
-Simplicity
This was like a sauce to me. It made the meal ever so fine to indulge in and just makes you happy to partake in it's glory. While the story's elements didn't shine as much, I just adored the way the story was an easy read. none of the content was painful to understand. None of it was cringe inducing. I sat there with a smile on my face for majority of the read, as I just couldn't seem to easily place my eyes off of the screen. Yes it was cheesy, yes it was lacking in certain aspects, but it was entertaining and blissfully simple. To the point where I would love to read this to someone else. Pose and act on my feet and knees and just enjoy it with someone else. while this may be a negative for some people I find that getting a reaction from simple words, while still upholding it's classy like appeal, is far better off than something completely confusing and takes forever to read due to backtracking all the time.
NEGATIVES
-Action
Onto the more dreaded parts of the review. While action wasn't your focus, it was most definitely a weak point. At certain scenes, it seems that the action just cuts off to a result where I can't seem to follow. The knight runs away! But how far exactly did the knight travel inwards and why did he have so much room to charge in an opposite direction. The Dragon didn't have an reaction whatsoever to the arrow. It merely fell and died. Even at the end conflict with the spear striking the beast dead, ended up just being a "whatever" moment. I think more effort could have been placed here. As the action felt like watching a child's toy fight. One figure topples over and I'm just suppose to accept whatever actions took place by another voice. I don't see the expressions on the drawn out plastic figures faces. Nor do I sense any type of wound or weaponry affecting the outcome. It wasn't a big issue as the comedy was the main topping to this cake. Overall every event and element end up affecting the total reaction by the end of the story. While this wasn't any focus on how I enjoyed the story, it may be otherwise for different readers.
-Intro and Ending
Again we jump straight into the action. The scene given to us is a minor conflict within the story that actually takes up majority of the story progression. The classic "Knight kills Dragon and saves the Princess" bit. While it had a different way of foretelling the struggle, the end result was the same. It gave way for the rest of the story, but a dragon slain by an arrow to the mouth. Unheard of. Just completely baffled on how it could have happened, but it did and made sense on what happens next in the story. The ending for me, while still funny, was left on a low note. It didn't hit heart,but it did leave an impression as the knight is forced to eat in celebration. Even though he was the one to cause all of this to happen. Which was the biggest punchline in the story. The heroic knight failed to kill a dragon. It slayed a bunch of holy priests and wrecked havoc only for the knight to regret what he had done,not because of failure, but because he had hurt his princess and an innocent dragon. All in all, the ending could have been much better, but still left a unique impression on me.
-Details
Part of an action scene or just interaction in general. When no words are said but more so a character's actions make up majority of a certain portion of a read. Descriptions to the details end up creating this field of vision for you audience. once again the dragon had no reaction to getting hit with an arrow or spear, which in turn made me not care about that result at all. Not until after it was done and we got around to how the characters interacted with said result. the characters dialogue was on point but there didn't seem to be much action towards how they reacted themselves. Leaving it looking much like two barbie dolls, place din hand, having a conversation. Stiff emotionless characters that tend to feel like mannequins with a voice. They had simple actions too, but for some readers, more details is appreciated. This is not as big as a negative as I'm placing it but this can certainly spice up your story to have more an effect on your readers. The less a reader has to make things up within the imaginative world of the story, the more immersive a reader will be.
In conclusion, this story was the most entertaining one out of the lot I've read. It's just my style and fits the goal of entertaining it's reader through very basic simple means. The use of wordplay is minimal, and yet well done as certain wordings still was able to keep my head in the story. Grabbing my attention here and there, reminding me to use my brain to think rather than drone out and get it over with. The jokes were somewhat effective, though some just stuck a smile on my lips as I was forced to see characters having to deal with certain things in story. While there was lackluster details and action scenes, the story won me over by just being itself. It's a wonderful read and shows how the author places his own heart into his words. It's not just his choice of genre, jokes, or story style, it was how he connected with me on a whole level that most authors don't think about these days. Overall, I want to see more work from this particular author and I can see his other stories affecting others as well. While some are reaching for that highly sophisticated level of writing. The fact remains. People will read high level material once. People who really enjoy a book will pick it up now and then and continue to make that story flourish. Well done Author.
POSITIVES
-Character Interaction
This was brilliantly done. I could feel the author had taken the time to script and write his jokes. By being able to implement it in your story, you've shown not only daring nerves of steel, But the fact you still think about the simple things in a story that make your pop out. In a way that just made this enjoyable. A different flavor for a different audience. Though as bold as it is, some people may not come to like this type of story style. while it was certainly my own cup of tea, others may look at it as silly and childish. I for one, loved how it reminded me back in the days of reading a fairy tail. Twisted with a mature sense as the jokes were right around my corner. The characters conversation added a flair, that I usually do not see in stories, ever. Simple lines and actions by the minor characters played a big part in this like yelling out profound lines as the punchline. Or simple thought that the crowds just accepted. Even the bishop with his instant judgement over the knight really made my day. Short sweet and simple to the point where I could reread it all day and not feel any different about it.
-Simplicity
This was like a sauce to me. It made the meal ever so fine to indulge in and just makes you happy to partake in it's glory. While the story's elements didn't shine as much, I just adored the way the story was an easy read. none of the content was painful to understand. None of it was cringe inducing. I sat there with a smile on my face for majority of the read, as I just couldn't seem to easily place my eyes off of the screen. Yes it was cheesy, yes it was lacking in certain aspects, but it was entertaining and blissfully simple. To the point where I would love to read this to someone else. Pose and act on my feet and knees and just enjoy it with someone else. while this may be a negative for some people I find that getting a reaction from simple words, while still upholding it's classy like appeal, is far better off than something completely confusing and takes forever to read due to backtracking all the time.
NEGATIVES
-Action
Onto the more dreaded parts of the review. While action wasn't your focus, it was most definitely a weak point. At certain scenes, it seems that the action just cuts off to a result where I can't seem to follow. The knight runs away! But how far exactly did the knight travel inwards and why did he have so much room to charge in an opposite direction. The Dragon didn't have an reaction whatsoever to the arrow. It merely fell and died. Even at the end conflict with the spear striking the beast dead, ended up just being a "whatever" moment. I think more effort could have been placed here. As the action felt like watching a child's toy fight. One figure topples over and I'm just suppose to accept whatever actions took place by another voice. I don't see the expressions on the drawn out plastic figures faces. Nor do I sense any type of wound or weaponry affecting the outcome. It wasn't a big issue as the comedy was the main topping to this cake. Overall every event and element end up affecting the total reaction by the end of the story. While this wasn't any focus on how I enjoyed the story, it may be otherwise for different readers.
-Intro and Ending
Again we jump straight into the action. The scene given to us is a minor conflict within the story that actually takes up majority of the story progression. The classic "Knight kills Dragon and saves the Princess" bit. While it had a different way of foretelling the struggle, the end result was the same. It gave way for the rest of the story, but a dragon slain by an arrow to the mouth. Unheard of. Just completely baffled on how it could have happened, but it did and made sense on what happens next in the story. The ending for me, while still funny, was left on a low note. It didn't hit heart,but it did leave an impression as the knight is forced to eat in celebration. Even though he was the one to cause all of this to happen. Which was the biggest punchline in the story. The heroic knight failed to kill a dragon. It slayed a bunch of holy priests and wrecked havoc only for the knight to regret what he had done,not because of failure, but because he had hurt his princess and an innocent dragon. All in all, the ending could have been much better, but still left a unique impression on me.
-Details
Part of an action scene or just interaction in general. When no words are said but more so a character's actions make up majority of a certain portion of a read. Descriptions to the details end up creating this field of vision for you audience. once again the dragon had no reaction to getting hit with an arrow or spear, which in turn made me not care about that result at all. Not until after it was done and we got around to how the characters interacted with said result. the characters dialogue was on point but there didn't seem to be much action towards how they reacted themselves. Leaving it looking much like two barbie dolls, place din hand, having a conversation. Stiff emotionless characters that tend to feel like mannequins with a voice. They had simple actions too, but for some readers, more details is appreciated. This is not as big as a negative as I'm placing it but this can certainly spice up your story to have more an effect on your readers. The less a reader has to make things up within the imaginative world of the story, the more immersive a reader will be.
In conclusion, this story was the most entertaining one out of the lot I've read. It's just my style and fits the goal of entertaining it's reader through very basic simple means. The use of wordplay is minimal, and yet well done as certain wordings still was able to keep my head in the story. Grabbing my attention here and there, reminding me to use my brain to think rather than drone out and get it over with. The jokes were somewhat effective, though some just stuck a smile on my lips as I was forced to see characters having to deal with certain things in story. While there was lackluster details and action scenes, the story won me over by just being itself. It's a wonderful read and shows how the author places his own heart into his words. It's not just his choice of genre, jokes, or story style, it was how he connected with me on a whole level that most authors don't think about these days. Overall, I want to see more work from this particular author and I can see his other stories affecting others as well. While some are reaching for that highly sophisticated level of writing. The fact remains. People will read high level material once. People who really enjoy a book will pick it up now and then and continue to make that story flourish. Well done Author.
>>KwirkyJ
Hm. It didn't bother me that much. Some stories actually use this lack of information to further entice a reader. You know them only as by their job title. Giving them the sense of a one way character that is suppose to feel and act this way, when an author; especially a comedic one, can turn around and say "Naw! He ain't like that." to have a much more adverse effect on the story. Yes you're lacking in character development, but the purpose from what I've sense, was to place an expectation and suddenly break it all in sake of entertainment. Which worked fine and well. The knight was suppose to be a knight, though failed in his duties and ended up being a perv. The Princess should have been a Princess, but ended up being a spoiled girl with a dragon fetish, the dragon should have been a dragon, but almost became the hero. I thought it was a really smart and unique uptake on the plot(HAH! PLOT!)
Hm. It didn't bother me that much. Some stories actually use this lack of information to further entice a reader. You know them only as by their job title. Giving them the sense of a one way character that is suppose to feel and act this way, when an author; especially a comedic one, can turn around and say "Naw! He ain't like that." to have a much more adverse effect on the story. Yes you're lacking in character development, but the purpose from what I've sense, was to place an expectation and suddenly break it all in sake of entertainment. Which worked fine and well. The knight was suppose to be a knight, though failed in his duties and ended up being a perv. The Princess should have been a Princess, but ended up being a spoiled girl with a dragon fetish, the dragon should have been a dragon, but almost became the hero. I thought it was a really smart and unique uptake on the plot(HAH! PLOT!)
Post by
Oblomov
, deleted
This was a difficult story for me to review. It didn't work for me, I think I know why it didn't work for me and explaining the reasons comes dangerously close to telling other people how to write.
Let's start with what I liked. The characterization done through archetypes with all the connected baggage and then pointing at the small differences and cracks in those images was nice. It works fine for this kind of story, it gives us all the information we need.
I thought the scene with the bishop was hilarious. The dialogue between the Knight and the Princess flowed nicely.
Let me try now to explain what didn't work for me without being a pompous ass. You have chosen a very difficult kind of comedy, so I respect that, it's very difficult to make it work.
The Story seems an assembly of different parts that don't fit really together. This is something that can work, but needs some kind of extra glue to not collapse under it's own structural weakness. An absent minded narrator for example. The Grammar of Fantasy by Gianni Rodari explores this kind of narration, along with the creative power of errors.
The non sequiturs are nice, but you either have to hit on the surreal experience or there needs to be some kind of backing logic, even if it's a dreamlike one. The other possibility is building expectations and then shatter them. I think you should have chose on e of this possibilities and moved in that direction. Currently the story seems a bit aimless.
The plot became also a bit predictable for a while (up until the Dragon awoke again) which was a bit strange considering the creativity that went into other parts of the story.
To summarize my opinion: a very difficult and challenging story to write, you have the seeds of something with a lot of potential but it needs work.
Let's start with what I liked. The characterization done through archetypes with all the connected baggage and then pointing at the small differences and cracks in those images was nice. It works fine for this kind of story, it gives us all the information we need.
I thought the scene with the bishop was hilarious. The dialogue between the Knight and the Princess flowed nicely.
Let me try now to explain what didn't work for me without being a pompous ass. You have chosen a very difficult kind of comedy, so I respect that, it's very difficult to make it work.
The Story seems an assembly of different parts that don't fit really together. This is something that can work, but needs some kind of extra glue to not collapse under it's own structural weakness. An absent minded narrator for example. The Grammar of Fantasy by Gianni Rodari explores this kind of narration, along with the creative power of errors.
The non sequiturs are nice, but you either have to hit on the surreal experience or there needs to be some kind of backing logic, even if it's a dreamlike one. The other possibility is building expectations and then shatter them. I think you should have chose on e of this possibilities and moved in that direction. Currently the story seems a bit aimless.
The plot became also a bit predictable for a while (up until the Dragon awoke again) which was a bit strange considering the creativity that went into other parts of the story.
To summarize my opinion: a very difficult and challenging story to write, you have the seeds of something with a lot of potential but it needs work.
What previous reviewers said, though I'll add one observation I think might help pull the comedy together.
Some people think that all it takes to write a comedy -- especially a random, whimsical comedy -- is to string jokes together. I don't think that's right, any more than "all it takes to write a good drama is to string dramatic scenes together". This definitely has a lot of jokes strung together, and some of them do hit (I particularly liked the "I appreciate that you appreciate..." bit), so clearly there's potential here. But to me it feels like, when you're trying to crack a different punchline every other paragraph -- and on top of that you're mixing in a straight plot with all the whimsical digressions -- nothing is allowed to build up and compound on other jokes and really escalate the core humor here.
I would dial this back some. Reread the story, figure out which jokes you think are sharpest, and tighten the story around those jokes, finding ways to build your whimsy around those in particular and playing the rest straight (or at least straighter). For example, the king running in in six-inch heels isn't a bad joke, but it might not be this story's joke. If you downplay the king's involvement and keep a tighter focus on the princess, you could use those words to instead double down on the core joke of her loving the dragon -- a couple more descriptions of her sighing dreamily at the lizard, or reading Scale Fantasist's Monthly, or having the knight stumble into her room accidentally to find her little fan obsession shrine.
I also suspect you might be well served dialing back the meta here -- the narrator injecting himself into your story via editorializing and addressing the audience -- but ultimately that's probably a much smaller issue.
Tier: Needs Work
Some people think that all it takes to write a comedy -- especially a random, whimsical comedy -- is to string jokes together. I don't think that's right, any more than "all it takes to write a good drama is to string dramatic scenes together". This definitely has a lot of jokes strung together, and some of them do hit (I particularly liked the "I appreciate that you appreciate..." bit), so clearly there's potential here. But to me it feels like, when you're trying to crack a different punchline every other paragraph -- and on top of that you're mixing in a straight plot with all the whimsical digressions -- nothing is allowed to build up and compound on other jokes and really escalate the core humor here.
I would dial this back some. Reread the story, figure out which jokes you think are sharpest, and tighten the story around those jokes, finding ways to build your whimsy around those in particular and playing the rest straight (or at least straighter). For example, the king running in in six-inch heels isn't a bad joke, but it might not be this story's joke. If you downplay the king's involvement and keep a tighter focus on the princess, you could use those words to instead double down on the core joke of her loving the dragon -- a couple more descriptions of her sighing dreamily at the lizard, or reading Scale Fantasist's Monthly, or having the knight stumble into her room accidentally to find her little fan obsession shrine.
I also suspect you might be well served dialing back the meta here -- the narrator injecting himself into your story via editorializing and addressing the audience -- but ultimately that's probably a much smaller issue.
Tier: Needs Work
