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To Save the Other
Elias was waiting for me when I arrived. I saw him leaning into his plush red couch when the servant girl allowed me into the meeting room. He opened his eyes after hearing the door close. His hair had grown white with age, but his eyes remained the same cobalt blue they’d been when we were partners all those years ago. Yet instead of growing colder, they seemed to be even brighter than before.
“Please, take a seat beside me,” he said with a smile and wave of one arm.
I obliged, scooting closer to him and putting my head against his shoulder. His clothes still smelled like whiskey and cigars, but he had shed his characteristic cracked voice and cough. A synthetic respiratory track wasn’t cheap, especially one that contravened UFN law and actually absorbed a hazardous toxin like tobacco without neutralizing it first. A drop in the bucket for him, I’m sure.
“I didn’t fly you all the way out here so that you could sit here speechless, so tell me how you’ve been holding up lately. You’re just the same as I remember. I mean, don’t they upgrade you guys at all?”
“The majority of my maintenance is interior,” I told him.
“Ya can’t improve upon perfection! Ha ha ha!” He slapped his knee and looked back at me. “Just stay the way you are. You’re beautiful the way you are.” That blinding blue glare bore down on me. He’d had work there too, I could see. But corrective eye surgery could be performed without synthetics. Why—? Then I remembered the acid attack.
I didn’t remember at first because the scars had been erased from his face. Almost twenty years ago he’d been involved in an altercation with a radical human rights activist that left him blind in both eyes. Yet instead of deterring him, the incident invigorated him. That’s how he handled every adversity, with excitement and vigor. Just being around him brought morale to his subordinates and supporters.
He shook with laughter when he saw that I’d been staring at him. “I see I won’t get much more small-talk out of you. The real reason I asked you out here was to show you my new film. I wanted the first screening to be for you.” He patted me on the head.
“How long is it?” I asked, mingling just a mite of concern with my words.
“Oh, don’t worry. It’s just shy of an hour. Don’t worry about getting bored either, unless you really do find my films boring?” He feigned offense. “So, start!” he said.
The lights of the room dimmed and the screen that had before been merely another stretch of wall brightened to life. I stared at the screen, but I paid little attention to the film. In truth I’d seen it already. A leaked version had made its way online the night before, blowing up on every media site worth visiting. Elias, a perennial Luddite in the Millennial Age, had probably yet to find out.
Images, short clips, audio of varying quality, and short scenes of Elias editorializing on what had come before while introducing the next batch of footage flowed across the screen. His film was a series of snuff films featuring synthetic humans such as myself. No depth of human depravity had been excluded.
Beside me his tenseness betrayed his emotions, but on-screen he spoke clinically, delivering each line unflustered.
Unyielding hatred. One could not discern it from his words, but I saw it in the eyes of the man in front of me and felt it in the arm of the one beside me. Hatred for humanity, hatred for everything that they had done in their short stint of existence, hate for every minute that passes without righteous justice raining down upon them.
I felt my interior clock tick as the last minute of my hour drew near. Tears welled up in my eyes and dripped down my cheeks.
The movie ended and the lights flickered back on. He saw me crying and his smile was sad, sadder than any I’d seen before.
“Now you understand,” he said before standing. He pulled out a detonator from his pocket.
I grabbed his hand. I loved humanity. I loved it because I loved him, since forty years ago when he picked me up as a generic personal companion.
But I never thought I’d have to destroy one to save the other.
My bomb detonated before he could detonate his.
“Please, take a seat beside me,” he said with a smile and wave of one arm.
I obliged, scooting closer to him and putting my head against his shoulder. His clothes still smelled like whiskey and cigars, but he had shed his characteristic cracked voice and cough. A synthetic respiratory track wasn’t cheap, especially one that contravened UFN law and actually absorbed a hazardous toxin like tobacco without neutralizing it first. A drop in the bucket for him, I’m sure.
“I didn’t fly you all the way out here so that you could sit here speechless, so tell me how you’ve been holding up lately. You’re just the same as I remember. I mean, don’t they upgrade you guys at all?”
“The majority of my maintenance is interior,” I told him.
“Ya can’t improve upon perfection! Ha ha ha!” He slapped his knee and looked back at me. “Just stay the way you are. You’re beautiful the way you are.” That blinding blue glare bore down on me. He’d had work there too, I could see. But corrective eye surgery could be performed without synthetics. Why—? Then I remembered the acid attack.
I didn’t remember at first because the scars had been erased from his face. Almost twenty years ago he’d been involved in an altercation with a radical human rights activist that left him blind in both eyes. Yet instead of deterring him, the incident invigorated him. That’s how he handled every adversity, with excitement and vigor. Just being around him brought morale to his subordinates and supporters.
He shook with laughter when he saw that I’d been staring at him. “I see I won’t get much more small-talk out of you. The real reason I asked you out here was to show you my new film. I wanted the first screening to be for you.” He patted me on the head.
“How long is it?” I asked, mingling just a mite of concern with my words.
“Oh, don’t worry. It’s just shy of an hour. Don’t worry about getting bored either, unless you really do find my films boring?” He feigned offense. “So, start!” he said.
The lights of the room dimmed and the screen that had before been merely another stretch of wall brightened to life. I stared at the screen, but I paid little attention to the film. In truth I’d seen it already. A leaked version had made its way online the night before, blowing up on every media site worth visiting. Elias, a perennial Luddite in the Millennial Age, had probably yet to find out.
Images, short clips, audio of varying quality, and short scenes of Elias editorializing on what had come before while introducing the next batch of footage flowed across the screen. His film was a series of snuff films featuring synthetic humans such as myself. No depth of human depravity had been excluded.
Beside me his tenseness betrayed his emotions, but on-screen he spoke clinically, delivering each line unflustered.
Unyielding hatred. One could not discern it from his words, but I saw it in the eyes of the man in front of me and felt it in the arm of the one beside me. Hatred for humanity, hatred for everything that they had done in their short stint of existence, hate for every minute that passes without righteous justice raining down upon them.
I felt my interior clock tick as the last minute of my hour drew near. Tears welled up in my eyes and dripped down my cheeks.
The movie ended and the lights flickered back on. He saw me crying and his smile was sad, sadder than any I’d seen before.
“Now you understand,” he said before standing. He pulled out a detonator from his pocket.
I grabbed his hand. I loved humanity. I loved it because I loved him, since forty years ago when he picked me up as a generic personal companion.
But I never thought I’d have to destroy one to save the other.
My bomb detonated before he could detonate his.
This is an intriguing story. I just feel that the end that I have a lot of questions left over, a symptom of a story that hit the word limit hard. It’s a bit too abrupt and summarized in the second half.
The events are certainly dramatic and the setting is interesting. I’m placing this in my upper tier.
The events are certainly dramatic and the setting is interesting. I’m placing this in my upper tier.
This story isn't on my slate, but it does deserve some feedback.
I really enjoyed this piece. The prose is strong at all the right points, though there is a minor hiccup in the flow towards the end. The voice of the narrator is very tight and focused, though I never quite got to the level of connection I was hoping for. The ending is a tad cliché, but I think it fits the tone and message of the story well enough to give it a pass.
Overall, excellent job.
I really enjoyed this piece. The prose is strong at all the right points, though there is a minor hiccup in the flow towards the end. The voice of the narrator is very tight and focused, though I never quite got to the level of connection I was hoping for. The ending is a tad cliché, but I think it fits the tone and message of the story well enough to give it a pass.
Overall, excellent job.
Top-tier so far for me.
The writing is great, the concept is interesting and well-focused. It does suffer from the word limit, but I enjoyed everything else about the story tremendously.
The writing is great, the concept is interesting and well-focused. It does suffer from the word limit, but I enjoyed everything else about the story tremendously.
Nicely done, but I think you spend a little too much time on the details early on, leaving your end to sort of thud flatly into place. The nature of the bomb is actually kind of important. Like, what is he blowing up? Is this a world ending threat? Is this just a standard terrorist act? Losing that information actually robs the story of a surprising amount of impact.
In addition, I feel the reveal of the narrator's plan comes a bit late and really robs us of a lot of the drama. They clearly knew they were coming in here to do this (what with their bomb being timed), so why deny us the drama of having to act out a pleasantish evening with someone they deeply care about while knowing they are going to kill both of them? That's the real meat of the story here, but instead of a big delicious steak, you stuck us with a bunch of asparagus!
In addition, I feel the reveal of the narrator's plan comes a bit late and really robs us of a lot of the drama. They clearly knew they were coming in here to do this (what with their bomb being timed), so why deny us the drama of having to act out a pleasantish evening with someone they deeply care about while knowing they are going to kill both of them? That's the real meat of the story here, but instead of a big delicious steak, you stuck us with a bunch of asparagus!
The whole first paragraph is boring. Sentences repeat the same structure. It's very monotonous.
Tobacco is not really toxic. Tars generated by burning it are.
The prose gets better (bitter? 😛) by the end.
The story feels strange. Why does the guy feels the compulsion to show a snuff movie to an android? And why has he decided to “retire” him at the end of it, while his hatred seems to be targeted at humanity, i.e. flesh and blood. Or is the other guy an android too, but that contradicts what you write at the beginning about synthetic airways. So yeah, I must admit I hardly find my bearings here.
I would’ve a hard time scoring this. I’d say, better than average, but the unanswered questions confuse me, and so it won't probably get into my slate toppers.
Tobacco is not really toxic. Tars generated by burning it are.
The prose gets better (bitter? 😛) by the end.
The story feels strange. Why does the guy feels the compulsion to show a snuff movie to an android? And why has he decided to “retire” him at the end of it, while his hatred seems to be targeted at humanity, i.e. flesh and blood. Or is the other guy an android too, but that contradicts what you write at the beginning about synthetic airways. So yeah, I must admit I hardly find my bearings here.
I would’ve a hard time scoring this. I’d say, better than average, but the unanswered questions confuse me, and so it won't probably get into my slate toppers.
Red, White, and Blue in the first paragraph. Intentional metaphor?
Pats on the head, head against shoulder, etc. Hmm... Android or engineered pet?
Wait, he's had all this augmentation, and synethic parts, but is a "Luddite?"
Okay... I have to point out the similarity here to "Exhibit Hall." Both are effectively an art piece about a series of deaths, and both end with the main characters blowing up something. Weird synergy.
Overall, I think this does a decent job at what it tries to do, but is hurt by word limit and ends abruptly. We need more connection with the characters, as this is primarily a character driven piece. The first half is doing a good job of that, but it jumps to the conceit too quickly.
Pats on the head, head against shoulder, etc. Hmm... Android or engineered pet?
Wait, he's had all this augmentation, and synethic parts, but is a "Luddite?"
Okay... I have to point out the similarity here to "Exhibit Hall." Both are effectively an art piece about a series of deaths, and both end with the main characters blowing up something. Weird synergy.
Overall, I think this does a decent job at what it tries to do, but is hurt by word limit and ends abruptly. We need more connection with the characters, as this is primarily a character driven piece. The first half is doing a good job of that, but it jumps to the conceit too quickly.
The thing I enjoy the most about this story is the prose. The narrator shows his emotions in a very verbose manner, and the details were descriptive enough to really show this odd place and even odder people in it. I also liked how the story, despite the high stakes the ending provided, mostly felt low-key and relaxed. It made sense, given how this was a companion bot hanging out with his master. But the story also had that slight tinge of menace, as if something wasn’t quite right and things would go south quickly (which it does).
The biggest stumbling block is the last few lines of the story. I can understand an escalation, but the intensity of the climax feels a bit off. We’re not given much of a clue that Elias was planning to cause the explosion, so the conclusion feels like it was a last-ditch attempt at drama. It just feels out of place with the relatively subdued story we were originally presented. Frankly, I think revealing Elias’ hatred towards humanity would’ve worked as a final revelation, showing just how disturbed this man the narrator loves is. I also thought that some of the details overwhelmed the development of the characters. So much of the first part of the story is a description dump about Elias that it’s almost halfway into the story before the story really gets started. It leaves the story’s progression feeling rather uneven, as if there were more events the author wanted to include, but ran out of word space to do so.
A decent tale that just needs a few pacing adjustments and a better climax.
The biggest stumbling block is the last few lines of the story. I can understand an escalation, but the intensity of the climax feels a bit off. We’re not given much of a clue that Elias was planning to cause the explosion, so the conclusion feels like it was a last-ditch attempt at drama. It just feels out of place with the relatively subdued story we were originally presented. Frankly, I think revealing Elias’ hatred towards humanity would’ve worked as a final revelation, showing just how disturbed this man the narrator loves is. I also thought that some of the details overwhelmed the development of the characters. So much of the first part of the story is a description dump about Elias that it’s almost halfway into the story before the story really gets started. It leaves the story’s progression feeling rather uneven, as if there were more events the author wanted to include, but ran out of word space to do so.
A decent tale that just needs a few pacing adjustments and a better climax.
Hey, this is pretty good! Got some characterization, some world building, some emotion, some emotional stakes... I like a lot of what you're doing here!
I do think you need to start things sooner. As-is, the meat of the conflict doesn't really come in until, like, the last third at best. You need to start it sooner than that; first line, first word, throw it in the hook! Imagine if this story had started with: 'I don't want to kill my best friend today' or something like that.
But other than the pacing, this is great stuff.
I do think you need to start things sooner. As-is, the meat of the conflict doesn't really come in until, like, the last third at best. You need to start it sooner than that; first line, first word, throw it in the hook! Imagine if this story had started with: 'I don't want to kill my best friend today' or something like that.
But other than the pacing, this is great stuff.
Well, things kind of picked up out of nowhere toward the end. I think the noticeable swerve came with the "Unyielding hatred" line that starts one of the final paragraphs. We get a hint of it before then, with the description of the snuff film, but it still seems to come out of left field. Particularly when compared with the description, just lines earlier, "That’s how he handled every adversity, with excitement and vigor. Just being around him brought morale to his subordinates and supporters."
The bomb, I suppose, is some kind of super-bomb. It will wipe clean all the mistakes of humanity. And yet, I wonder if he really wanted to detonate it -- why invite the unnamed protagonist in, where his is vulnerable, and show her the detonator? He must have anticipated this.
There are places earlier in the story -- the paragraph about the acid attack on his eyes, for one -- that I think could have been excised. Doing so would leave more room for the actual meat of the story, which this desperately needs.
Still, though, that last line. This will be going high on my slate.
The bomb, I suppose, is some kind of super-bomb. It will wipe clean all the mistakes of humanity. And yet, I wonder if he really wanted to detonate it -- why invite the unnamed protagonist in, where his is vulnerable, and show her the detonator? He must have anticipated this.
There are places earlier in the story -- the paragraph about the acid attack on his eyes, for one -- that I think could have been excised. Doing so would leave more room for the actual meat of the story, which this desperately needs.
Still, though, that last line. This will be going high on my slate.
Based on the generally positive tone of the previous reviews, it is clear thatr I am missing something here. Because I am totally not getting this story. We have a (freed?) sex droid of some sort, and a man who is a 'luddite,' yet has cybernetic parts, is making films and is rescuing? Rehabilitating? Something? Sex droids. And he hates humanity for what they've been doing to their creations. (But he clearly doesn't hate the creations, despite being a 'luddite.') And in the end he's setting off a bomb... Of some sort. About which we're given no details or scale so as to know how concerning this is. But his friend the sex droid blows them both up first, preventing... what exactly?
The characters are interesting, yet apparently inconsistent on the surface (a cybord luddite? There's an interesting story to be told there) But we're not shown the full scope of the conflict, or really given reason enough to care...
The characters are interesting, yet apparently inconsistent on the surface (a cybord luddite? There's an interesting story to be told there) But we're not shown the full scope of the conflict, or really given reason enough to care...
So, this story was interesting. Interesting to read? Interesting to write? Maybe a little of column A, a little of column B. But let me tell you where I had gotten the idea for To Save the Other. It was inspired by an arc of Yu Yu Hakusho in which the main villain, a human, decides that he must flood the world with demons in order to wash away the sins of mankind. He even has a video tape labelled “Chapter Black” that contains supposedly hundreds of thousands of hours of human-committed atrocities. I’m surprised that no one had ferreted out that particular inspiration.
Anyway, thank you everyone for the reviews! They've certainly helped.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
If I were to do this again, I’d be more cutthroat in editing the beginning to make room for a more impactful end.
>>FloydienSlip
Balancing the uncanny valley with the necessity for emotional connection can be difficult... to be sure.
>>Whitbane
Thanks. On the next minific round I enter, I’ll be much more mindful of the limit.
>>AndrewRogue
Ya, as is noted below, the escalation of the narrative does just the opposite of what it’s intended to do. Looking over other entries, both death and the apocalypse make frequent appearances. An increase in scale doesn’t always mean an increase in engagement. I’ll need to spend more time thinking of smaller, more personal narratives.
>>Monokeras
That was rather careless of me. I meant nicotine. Since nicotine is a restricted substance under UFN law, it’s considered a toxin, and artificial respiratory tracts must either filter it out or neutralize it to comply with those regulations. The point of that small section is to hint that 1) Elias is comfortable breaking the law and 2) he’s absurdly wealthy.
This is somewhat of a vestigial motivation, since originally I thought maybe he was going to use the movie to foment a rebellion, but then he decides instead that he’s going to nuke everything.
Damn you, Elias.
He wanted to destroy humanity. I fucked up the ending, so it doesn’t come across as I’d hoped, but eh... You win some, you lose some.
>>Xepher
lol, I didn’t even notice that, but let’s say sure.
¿Porque no los dos?
That’s a pretty stupid plot-hole, but in my defense, people with pace-makers or heart transplants can still be considered “Luddites” today. But I actually meant something more like “recluse” or... Eh, it was mostly carelessness, since I wanted the narrator to have already seen it without his knowledge. Hurrah for plot contrivances!
>>libertydude
Bingo, bango, bongo! You’ve hit the nail on the head.
Sounds about right, but I’d have to do some thinking about how that might be turned into an actually satisfying ending. The issue with minifics is that if the ending’s off, it muddies everything that came before. Overall a hard nut to crack!
But I’ll get it soon enough.
>>Not_A_Hat
O man, am I awful with hooks.
Ya, when I’m staring at the blank screen ready to type any old crud that comes to mind the last thing I’m thinking about is writing an engaging hook. Next time I’ll run back and try to think up a hook that won’t bore Monokeras to death.
I’m really glad that you liked it. Hopefully I’ve learned a little from this and will make the appropriate improvements in my next entry.
>>Cold in Gardez
Thank you for the suggestions!
>>TheCyanRecluse
I definitely caused more confusion than needed with that little word ‘Luddite.’ Honestly I put that in as more of a joke, which no one would get unless they knew about philosophical Perennialism. Oh well.
He gonna nuke the Earth, son.
Ya, it sounded stupid when I wrote it, too.
Anyway, thank you everyone for the reviews! They've certainly helped.
>>GroaningGreyAgony
If I were to do this again, I’d be more cutthroat in editing the beginning to make room for a more impactful end.
>>FloydienSlip
I never quite got to the level of connection I was hoping for
Balancing the uncanny valley with the necessity for emotional connection can be difficult... to be sure.
>>Whitbane
Thanks. On the next minific round I enter, I’ll be much more mindful of the limit.
>>AndrewRogue
In addition, I feel the reveal of the narrator's plan comes a bit late and really robs us of a lot of the drama.
Ya, as is noted below, the escalation of the narrative does just the opposite of what it’s intended to do. Looking over other entries, both death and the apocalypse make frequent appearances. An increase in scale doesn’t always mean an increase in engagement. I’ll need to spend more time thinking of smaller, more personal narratives.
>>Monokeras
Tobacco is not really toxic. Tars generated by burning it are.
That was rather careless of me. I meant nicotine. Since nicotine is a restricted substance under UFN law, it’s considered a toxin, and artificial respiratory tracts must either filter it out or neutralize it to comply with those regulations. The point of that small section is to hint that 1) Elias is comfortable breaking the law and 2) he’s absurdly wealthy.
Why does the guy feels the compulsion to show a snuff movie to an android?
This is somewhat of a vestigial motivation, since originally I thought maybe he was going to use the movie to foment a rebellion, but then he decides instead that he’s going to nuke everything.
Damn you, Elias.
And why has he decided to “retire” him at the end of it, while his hatred seems to be targeted at humanity, i.e. flesh and blood.
He wanted to destroy humanity. I fucked up the ending, so it doesn’t come across as I’d hoped, but eh... You win some, you lose some.
>>Xepher
Red, White, and Blue in the first paragraph. Intentional metaphor?
lol, I didn’t even notice that, but let’s say sure.
Pats on the head, head against shoulder, etc. Hmm... Android or engineered pet?
¿Porque no los dos?
Wait, he's had all this augmentation, and synethic parts, but is a "Luddite?"
That’s a pretty stupid plot-hole, but in my defense, people with pace-makers or heart transplants can still be considered “Luddites” today. But I actually meant something more like “recluse” or... Eh, it was mostly carelessness, since I wanted the narrator to have already seen it without his knowledge. Hurrah for plot contrivances!
>>libertydude
We’re not given much of a clue that Elias was planning to cause the explosion, so the conclusion feels like it was a last-ditch attempt at drama.
Bingo, bango, bongo! You’ve hit the nail on the head.
Frankly, I think revealing Elias’ hatred towards humanity would’ve worked as a final revelation, showing just how disturbed this man the narrator loves is.
Sounds about right, but I’d have to do some thinking about how that might be turned into an actually satisfying ending. The issue with minifics is that if the ending’s off, it muddies everything that came before. Overall a hard nut to crack!
But I’ll get it soon enough.
>>Not_A_Hat
You need to start it sooner than that; first line, first word, throw it in the hook! Imagine if this story had started with: 'I don't want to kill my best friend today' or something like that.
O man, am I awful with hooks.
Ya, when I’m staring at the blank screen ready to type any old crud that comes to mind the last thing I’m thinking about is writing an engaging hook. Next time I’ll run back and try to think up a hook that won’t bore Monokeras to death.
I’m really glad that you liked it. Hopefully I’ve learned a little from this and will make the appropriate improvements in my next entry.
>>Cold in Gardez
Thank you for the suggestions!
>>TheCyanRecluse
I definitely caused more confusion than needed with that little word ‘Luddite.’ Honestly I put that in as more of a joke, which no one would get unless they knew about philosophical Perennialism. Oh well.
But his friend the sex droid blows them both up first, preventing... what exactly?
He gonna nuke the Earth, son.
Ya, it sounded stupid when I wrote it, too.