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Giving and Receiving
Rarity awoke to the feeling of sunshine on her face and the sound of noise from the kitchen. With a heavy sigh she slipped out of bed, still a touch unsteady on her hooves. With time clearly being short, she could only spare a moment to run hooves through her hair in an effort to remain presentable.
It was a slow, but short walk from her bedroom to the kitchen. Stepping cautiously through the doorway, she let out a far softer sigh. Three sets of hooves scrambled and clattered around the kitchen, and she could hear something sizzling on the stove. The smell was indescribable. Quite literally so. Rarity couldn’t even begin to guess what her dear sister was (attempting) to cook.
“Sweetie Belle, my beloved little sister. I know that you and your friends are trying to help.” A light touch of magic turned the stove off. “But for the love of Celestia, please leave food preparation to your elders.”
A sad “Sorry Sis” echoed with two equally depressed “Sorry Miss Rarity”s.
“I do appreciate the thought girls.” She said softly, smiling in their direction as her magic extracted four bowls from the cupboard. Moments later the bowls were joined by spoons, napkins, cereal, and milk. There was a moment of stunned silence from the CMC, then Scootaloo spoke.
“WOW Sweetie! Even blind Rarity is a better cook than you!”
Rarity sighed and rolled her milky white eyes.
Rarity smiled as she leaned back in her chase lounge, the voices of her friends washing over her.
“And then I bucked that cloud so hard, the hail flew out!” Rainbow crowed, wings flapping faster in excitement.
“Really darling, must you be so barbaric?” Rarity lifted her nose in the air, but kept her tone teasing. “Such aggression is hardly lady like.” Lifting her teacup to her lips, she took a small sip.
There was a rude snort in response, and a change in the tempo of wingbeats. Hearing the other girl’s giggles, Rarity could guess Rainbow’s expression.
“If you keep making faces like that, it will stick that way.” She sing-songed in Dash’s direction. Her smirk grew as the wingbeats ceased, followed by hooves striking wood.
Dash’s incredulous “How did you know I was making faces?” was interrupted by Pinkie’s exuberant “Wow! Really??” Rarity just smiled and took another sip of tea, emptying her cup.
Reaching out with her magic, she lifted the teapot from the coffee table, frowning at its weight.
“Drat. Empty.” She murmured.
“I’ll take care of it.” That soft, quiet voice could only be Fluttershy.
“Oh, don’t trouble yourself dear. I can handle it.” Rartiy made to get up, but a gentle (and unexpected) hoof held her down.
“Please Rarity, just rest. I’ve got it.”
Rarity could do little more than pout. Fluttershy was impossible to track. Even her hoofsteps were quiet!
“I gotta say, I’m mighty impressed at how well you’re coping, sugarcube. How do you always know where things are?”
“Just like Fashion, dear Applejack, it is simply a matter of paying attention to the details.” Gesturing grandly, she emphasized her point by levitating her teacup precisely onto its saucer.
“Be that as it may, too much attention to detail can be unhealthy. And unsafe!” Concern filled Twilight’s normal ‘lecture voice.’ “Overuse of ocular magnification spells can have terrible side-effects. You’re lucky it’s only Temporary Blindness Disorder. TBD only lasts a few days. It could have been much worse!”
“Well, I could hardly have sewn those breezies the clothing they’d needed without them, now could I?” She waved a hoof dismissively. “It’s a small price to pay under the circumstances. Why, I shudder to think what would have happened to them otherwise!
“Well, that’s true. But…”
“Tut tut! No buts Twilight! I knew the risks. I only regret being unable to help out now. Oh, girls! I feel like such a terrible host!” She threw a forehoof across her face. But despite the melodrama, there was an undercurrent of true emotion to her words.
“Besides, I’m hardly an invalid in my own home. Surely you girls have more important matters to attend to.” She insisted.
A torrent of denials immediately followed. But it was the quietest one that cut through the chatter.
“This is the most important place for all of us to be.” Fluttershy spoke softly, but firmly.
Rarity could not see the others nodding their heads, but she didn’t need to. Warmth filled her chest, and tears her eyes.
“Thanks girls.”
It was a slow, but short walk from her bedroom to the kitchen. Stepping cautiously through the doorway, she let out a far softer sigh. Three sets of hooves scrambled and clattered around the kitchen, and she could hear something sizzling on the stove. The smell was indescribable. Quite literally so. Rarity couldn’t even begin to guess what her dear sister was (attempting) to cook.
“Sweetie Belle, my beloved little sister. I know that you and your friends are trying to help.” A light touch of magic turned the stove off. “But for the love of Celestia, please leave food preparation to your elders.”
A sad “Sorry Sis” echoed with two equally depressed “Sorry Miss Rarity”s.
“I do appreciate the thought girls.” She said softly, smiling in their direction as her magic extracted four bowls from the cupboard. Moments later the bowls were joined by spoons, napkins, cereal, and milk. There was a moment of stunned silence from the CMC, then Scootaloo spoke.
“WOW Sweetie! Even blind Rarity is a better cook than you!”
Rarity sighed and rolled her milky white eyes.
Rarity smiled as she leaned back in her chase lounge, the voices of her friends washing over her.
“And then I bucked that cloud so hard, the hail flew out!” Rainbow crowed, wings flapping faster in excitement.
“Really darling, must you be so barbaric?” Rarity lifted her nose in the air, but kept her tone teasing. “Such aggression is hardly lady like.” Lifting her teacup to her lips, she took a small sip.
There was a rude snort in response, and a change in the tempo of wingbeats. Hearing the other girl’s giggles, Rarity could guess Rainbow’s expression.
“If you keep making faces like that, it will stick that way.” She sing-songed in Dash’s direction. Her smirk grew as the wingbeats ceased, followed by hooves striking wood.
Dash’s incredulous “How did you know I was making faces?” was interrupted by Pinkie’s exuberant “Wow! Really??” Rarity just smiled and took another sip of tea, emptying her cup.
Reaching out with her magic, she lifted the teapot from the coffee table, frowning at its weight.
“Drat. Empty.” She murmured.
“I’ll take care of it.” That soft, quiet voice could only be Fluttershy.
“Oh, don’t trouble yourself dear. I can handle it.” Rartiy made to get up, but a gentle (and unexpected) hoof held her down.
“Please Rarity, just rest. I’ve got it.”
Rarity could do little more than pout. Fluttershy was impossible to track. Even her hoofsteps were quiet!
“I gotta say, I’m mighty impressed at how well you’re coping, sugarcube. How do you always know where things are?”
“Just like Fashion, dear Applejack, it is simply a matter of paying attention to the details.” Gesturing grandly, she emphasized her point by levitating her teacup precisely onto its saucer.
“Be that as it may, too much attention to detail can be unhealthy. And unsafe!” Concern filled Twilight’s normal ‘lecture voice.’ “Overuse of ocular magnification spells can have terrible side-effects. You’re lucky it’s only Temporary Blindness Disorder. TBD only lasts a few days. It could have been much worse!”
“Well, I could hardly have sewn those breezies the clothing they’d needed without them, now could I?” She waved a hoof dismissively. “It’s a small price to pay under the circumstances. Why, I shudder to think what would have happened to them otherwise!
“Well, that’s true. But…”
“Tut tut! No buts Twilight! I knew the risks. I only regret being unable to help out now. Oh, girls! I feel like such a terrible host!” She threw a forehoof across her face. But despite the melodrama, there was an undercurrent of true emotion to her words.
“Besides, I’m hardly an invalid in my own home. Surely you girls have more important matters to attend to.” She insisted.
A torrent of denials immediately followed. But it was the quietest one that cut through the chatter.
“This is the most important place for all of us to be.” Fluttershy spoke softly, but firmly.
Rarity could not see the others nodding their heads, but she didn’t need to. Warmth filled her chest, and tears her eyes.
“Thanks girls.”
I have mixed feelings about this one. What you found for TBD sounds like a good joke but the story is far from being a comedy. It felt more like a fluffy slice of life story. A great one, if I'm honest.
Rarity's voice is great and I couldn't praise you enough for the beginning. Using Scootaloo's bluntness (thus child's bluntness) to tell us that Rarity was blind is brilliant. It avoids the problem of writing "Oh Rarity's blind BTW".
So a solid high tier that will probably be higher once I'd have dealt with the mixed feelings I mentionned earlier.
Rarity's voice is great and I couldn't praise you enough for the beginning. Using Scootaloo's bluntness (thus child's bluntness) to tell us that Rarity was blind is brilliant. It avoids the problem of writing "Oh Rarity's blind BTW".
So a solid high tier that will probably be higher once I'd have dealt with the mixed feelings I mentionned earlier.
Oof. I think the adherence to prompt weakened this. I mean, it sucks to lose your vision, but the very temporary nature of it kinda reduces the impact substantially and additionally makes it a bit weird that she's apparently adjusted super well to lacking vision in a rather short time. In addition, the prompt drop just feels really inappropriate given the overall tone of the story. It wouldn't matter so much outsides of the WO, but here... yeah.
Honestly, I'm kinda left with mixed feelings. I like the story I thought this was gonna be (adjusted to a problem and dealing with some conflict that came out of it - likely what the future held), but don't actually care much for what it ended up being. I mean, it is still sweet, but the stakes just drop out at the end.
If the viewpoint character gets to know their condition is temporary, don't fake us out with it! A fake out works when the character doesn't know because everyone reacts like it is a real problem, so the emotional stakes are still there. When it is only us left in the dark, we end up feeling like we were cheated, because the stakes we thought there weren't even fake there! If you do want to tell this story the way it ended up, establish the blindness as temporary earlier on so you set up proper expectations.
Honestly, I'm kinda left with mixed feelings. I like the story I thought this was gonna be (adjusted to a problem and dealing with some conflict that came out of it - likely what the future held), but don't actually care much for what it ended up being. I mean, it is still sweet, but the stakes just drop out at the end.
If the viewpoint character gets to know their condition is temporary, don't fake us out with it! A fake out works when the character doesn't know because everyone reacts like it is a real problem, so the emotional stakes are still there. When it is only us left in the dark, we end up feeling like we were cheated, because the stakes we thought there weren't even fake there! If you do want to tell this story the way it ended up, establish the blindness as temporary earlier on so you set up proper expectations.
That's 'chaise lounge', not 'chase'.
I'm a bit iffy on this one. On the one hand, I kinda like what you're doing here, and you do it pretty well. On the other hand, this doesn't seem to have much to it that would make it compelling to me; it doesn't dive deeply into anyone's character. It touches on Rarity, and suggests that she might be generous to a fault, (seriously, self-destructive tendencies shouldn't be lightly brushed off) but that's a bit... eh, I dunno. Not exactly a new or powerful spin on her, I guess. Oh, and someone should get her a magnifying glass. They're much easier on the eyes.
The ending is sweet, but again, it's just kinda an 'awwww' feeling for me. It's not powerful, because it's not surprising or difficult or what have you, it's just kinda nice.
I guess... this just doesn't feel that ambitious to me? While every individual piece is nice, it's not really the kick-to-the-head that I find really impressive.
YMMV, of course. Some people find this sort of slicey thing exactly their speed. And this has a smooth flow and style, which makes it nicely readable.
I do think the blindness might work better as a hook than as a stinger on the first section, but eh.
I'm a bit iffy on this one. On the one hand, I kinda like what you're doing here, and you do it pretty well. On the other hand, this doesn't seem to have much to it that would make it compelling to me; it doesn't dive deeply into anyone's character. It touches on Rarity, and suggests that she might be generous to a fault, (seriously, self-destructive tendencies shouldn't be lightly brushed off) but that's a bit... eh, I dunno. Not exactly a new or powerful spin on her, I guess. Oh, and someone should get her a magnifying glass. They're much easier on the eyes.
The ending is sweet, but again, it's just kinda an 'awwww' feeling for me. It's not powerful, because it's not surprising or difficult or what have you, it's just kinda nice.
I guess... this just doesn't feel that ambitious to me? While every individual piece is nice, it's not really the kick-to-the-head that I find really impressive.
YMMV, of course. Some people find this sort of slicey thing exactly their speed. And this has a smooth flow and style, which makes it nicely readable.
I do think the blindness might work better as a hook than as a stinger on the first section, but eh.
>>Monokeras
Well, sometimes.
I mean, in French, yes. In English, kinda maybe sorta depending. Chaise, however, I can probably definitely say was a mistake.
Well, sometimes.
I mean, in French, yes. In English, kinda maybe sorta depending. Chaise, however, I can probably definitely say was a mistake.
This was a very well-written story, and the voicing was good (though I can't see Scoots being that harsh), but I had a couple of minor issues.
Rarity shouldn't be this skilled at being blind if this happened very recently, and for her not to be dramatic when the event just occurred (and to not let others wait on her) is out of character for her. It also confused me that her eyeballs are completely white when it's a temporary effect. All the lead-in was shouting 'she's permanently blind' and indicated this was leading to Rarity trying to redesign herself as a person after losing her livelihood—and Rarity's career is 'who she is' more than anypony other than Dash.
I think you could make it work if you illustrated this was happening in a TBD situation because her psychology shows she needs to always appear to be in control of her life, in which case this would be an excellent psychodrama piece without permanent change. But, you'd have to focus making that the major theme, and here you focused more on the myth of blind-people-powers... which is less interesting to me.
>>Monokeras
>>Not_A_Hat
buck's sake ponies it's chaste lozenge get it straight :ajbemused:
Rarity shouldn't be this skilled at being blind if this happened very recently, and for her not to be dramatic when the event just occurred (and to not let others wait on her) is out of character for her. It also confused me that her eyeballs are completely white when it's a temporary effect. All the lead-in was shouting 'she's permanently blind' and indicated this was leading to Rarity trying to redesign herself as a person after losing her livelihood—and Rarity's career is 'who she is' more than anypony other than Dash.
I think you could make it work if you illustrated this was happening in a TBD situation because her psychology shows she needs to always appear to be in control of her life, in which case this would be an excellent psychodrama piece without permanent change. But, you'd have to focus making that the major theme, and here you focused more on the myth of blind-people-powers... which is less interesting to me.
>>Monokeras
>>Not_A_Hat
buck's sake ponies it's chaste lozenge get it straight :ajbemused:
This is a fluff piece. I agree with >>Fenton that the Temporary Blindness Syndrome name-drop is probably something you'll want to lose in the final draft.
I think my biggest complaint is that this story feels a bit like it doesn't really go anywhere; it feels flat in terms of its emotional content and context, and it would be more effective if it was less so.
I think my biggest complaint is that this story feels a bit like it doesn't really go anywhere; it feels flat in terms of its emotional content and context, and it would be more effective if it was less so.
I'm gonna throw out a guess here, and you can tell me if I'm right or not.
Mostly agreed with >>Not_A_Hat on this. The blindness is a stinger, but then it's only temporary, so... why? I was hoping for a bit more of a build to some sort of theme. "People like hanging around Rarity because she's their friend" is, er, something that is true all the time, regardless, so it doesn't make a tremendous impact. Low stakes, high fluff, smooth flow.
Work out why you wanted to do whatever it is you were wanting to do here, and work on bringing that out in the story to make it the best piece it can be. Sounds simple, is challenging, but you have a good grasp of flow so I've no doubt you can do it. Thanks for writing!
Mostly agreed with >>Not_A_Hat on this. The blindness is a stinger, but then it's only temporary, so... why? I was hoping for a bit more of a build to some sort of theme. "People like hanging around Rarity because she's their friend" is, er, something that is true all the time, regardless, so it doesn't make a tremendous impact. Low stakes, high fluff, smooth flow.
Work out why you wanted to do whatever it is you were wanting to do here, and work on bringing that out in the story to make it the best piece it can be. Sounds simple, is challenging, but you have a good grasp of flow so I've no doubt you can do it. Thanks for writing!