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"This doesn't look too promising." the voice of the chairman sounded from across the room.
"No it doesn't, our results seem rather conclusive." he turned from the projected image displaying the results from the last two years of experiments.
He glanced around the room, apart form the chairman and himself there were four more precent, the secretary and three members of the board.
The chairman leaned forward and grabbed his glass form the table, brought it to his lips and after a brief look at the data took a long sip form it. "We have to do something about that" he said.
"I agree," the secretary said turning a few pages in her copy of the report. "This simply will not do."
A mumble of agreement could be heard from the other three.
"Well there's not much we can do. These-" he gestured towards the displayed image. "are the results. As I said they seem conclusive to say anything else would be a lie."
The chairman frowned. "What about those three..." he squinted " or four points on the left. What are those?"
He turned back to the results. "Those are faulty, either mechanical errors or human, and there are seven of those."
"Really?" the chairman smiled. "What if these are the ones that are correct and the others that are wrong?"
He fiddled with his notes, brining the ones on said test runs to the top. " You mean the one where the assistant came in drunk and failed to measure accurately, or the one two points above that when they forgot to check the coolant levels?"
"Exactly. If we exclude everything but those seven the results are much more in line with what we expected, the others must be wrong." The chairman's smile broadened as he nudged the secretary with his elbow.
The secretary looked up from her papers a smile slowly appearing on her lips as well. "Yes, that's a great idea discount the results that give us a negative results and write a new report with just the positives. That will get us more funding for next quarter."
Ones again a murmur of consent could be heard from the otherwise silent three.
"You can't be serious!" he let his astonished gaze pass between all assembled, all of the squirming in their seats. "You are joking right?"
"No!" the chairman spoke up. "All but those seven must be false, they alone give us the results we are expecting, and are the only ones going into the official report."
"What makes you think I'll write something like that?" he said.
"You will write the report as per our instructions..." the secretary said. "Or we will find someone who will. Perhaps that assistant that you keep asking us to fire." she smirked.
"No it doesn't, our results seem rather conclusive." he turned from the projected image displaying the results from the last two years of experiments.
He glanced around the room, apart form the chairman and himself there were four more precent, the secretary and three members of the board.
The chairman leaned forward and grabbed his glass form the table, brought it to his lips and after a brief look at the data took a long sip form it. "We have to do something about that" he said.
"I agree," the secretary said turning a few pages in her copy of the report. "This simply will not do."
A mumble of agreement could be heard from the other three.
"Well there's not much we can do. These-" he gestured towards the displayed image. "are the results. As I said they seem conclusive to say anything else would be a lie."
The chairman frowned. "What about those three..." he squinted " or four points on the left. What are those?"
He turned back to the results. "Those are faulty, either mechanical errors or human, and there are seven of those."
"Really?" the chairman smiled. "What if these are the ones that are correct and the others that are wrong?"
He fiddled with his notes, brining the ones on said test runs to the top. " You mean the one where the assistant came in drunk and failed to measure accurately, or the one two points above that when they forgot to check the coolant levels?"
"Exactly. If we exclude everything but those seven the results are much more in line with what we expected, the others must be wrong." The chairman's smile broadened as he nudged the secretary with his elbow.
The secretary looked up from her papers a smile slowly appearing on her lips as well. "Yes, that's a great idea discount the results that give us a negative results and write a new report with just the positives. That will get us more funding for next quarter."
Ones again a murmur of consent could be heard from the otherwise silent three.
"You can't be serious!" he let his astonished gaze pass between all assembled, all of the squirming in their seats. "You are joking right?"
"No!" the chairman spoke up. "All but those seven must be false, they alone give us the results we are expecting, and are the only ones going into the official report."
"What makes you think I'll write something like that?" he said.
"You will write the report as per our instructions..." the secretary said. "Or we will find someone who will. Perhaps that assistant that you keep asking us to fire." she smirked.
I may be wrong but I'm almost sure that this was written by a non native speaker (I know, a bit ironic, coming from me when Xepher regularly calls me out). There are several typos and grammar that make me say that. Also, the fact there isn't any single comma before the quotation marks tells me that the author is new here, and new to this kind of format. So welcome.
That being said, this didn't really prevent me from reading this smoothly. However, the story feels hollow. We have a beginning, but not a middle and definitely not an ending. What's at stakes isn't clear and even if the interactions start forming characters and personnalities, it ends before anything that has been hinted can make sense.
This beginning seems to lead towards something, at worst interesting, at best great, but like I said, nothing follows that beginning and, as it is, this beginning doesn't stand on his own.
However, I strongly encourage you to keep writing. I can sense that there is something really good hidden beneath. It's up to you to keep practising in order to be able to bring these hidden things to light.
That being said, this didn't really prevent me from reading this smoothly. However, the story feels hollow. We have a beginning, but not a middle and definitely not an ending. What's at stakes isn't clear and even if the interactions start forming characters and personnalities, it ends before anything that has been hinted can make sense.
This beginning seems to lead towards something, at worst interesting, at best great, but like I said, nothing follows that beginning and, as it is, this beginning doesn't stand on his own.
However, I strongly encourage you to keep writing. I can sense that there is something really good hidden beneath. It's up to you to keep practising in order to be able to bring these hidden things to light.
I...don't understand how the prompt was used here?
And yeah, I can empathize with the data collection part but...if the only results in line with the expectations are the ones where the assistant where drunk or the coolant levels were wrong, doesn't that actually suggest that the procedure is flawed (perhaps in the amount of coolant that should be used?)
And yeah, I can empathize with the data collection part but...if the only results in line with the expectations are the ones where the assistant where drunk or the coolant levels were wrong, doesn't that actually suggest that the procedure is flawed (perhaps in the amount of coolant that should be used?)
Generally in need of an editorial pass.
That said, you have a decent framework, but as >>Fenton points out, you've got the start of a story, rather than a full narrative arc. When you've got limited space, you need to cut directly to the heart of the conflict.
That said, you have a decent framework, but as >>Fenton points out, you've got the start of a story, rather than a full narrative arc. When you've got limited space, you need to cut directly to the heart of the conflict.
>>Fenton
+1
>>devas
+2
This piece doesn't quite succeed at forming a full story based on the prompt, so I don't have much more to add. It's headed in the right direction, though, and holds itself together better than many other pieces with a similar experience level. Thanks for writing - keep practicing, and I hope to see you back for future rounds!
+1
>>devas
+2
This piece doesn't quite succeed at forming a full story based on the prompt, so I don't have much more to add. It's headed in the right direction, though, and holds itself together better than many other pieces with a similar experience level. Thanks for writing - keep practicing, and I hope to see you back for future rounds!
I have little to add to what hasn't already been said. If your idea was to tackle the inclination some people have to doctor their results to please the people who fund their research, you're bang on. But the story's arc is somewhat awkward and the general mishandling of grammar/typography compounds that impression.
As others say, don't let yourself feel discouraged or downbeat. Continue stubbornly, and in a few rounds I'm sure you'll be able to catch up with the pack.
Good luck!
As others say, don't let yourself feel discouraged or downbeat. Continue stubbornly, and in a few rounds I'm sure you'll be able to catch up with the pack.
Good luck!
Nothing to add to the above, so I'll make a few concrete suggestions that might help you with cleaning up your prose:
Typically, when "he" or "she" is used without any context, it is meant to refer to the previous character of that gender that has been introduced. When I first read your opening, I was confused as to why the chairman was answering his own question.
I would strongly suggest naming the protagonist. I don't think your story gains anything from leaving him a blank slate which is important enough to justify the pronoun confusion that litters the text.
The secretary has an oddly major role in this story. Typically the duty of an organization's secretary is to be the individual who makes certain all of the discussion is documented. (The term "secretary" is overloaded in politics, because the "Secretary of State" etc. are political offices in charge of departments, but in a corporate context a secretary is a stenographic job.)
This definitely should not be the end of your story. This is the line which introduces the conflict -- our unnamed protagonist now is faced with a choice, and dealing with the consequences of his decision!
What happens next? That should be the story you tell. Three-act structure is definitely not the only way to write a story, but it's a very common one, and for many stories it's a good model to follow.
Here -- where you're very specifically introducing a conflict -- the reason everyone above is saying that the ending feels hollow is that you're using this very well-established model and cutting it off at the end of the first act. We've all been conditioned (by the thousands upon thousands of stories that we've been told) to expect that, when a conflict is introduced, we will also follow the character through their choices and the resolution. I'd recommend doing some basic reading on that story structure and seeing where it suggests to you that your story should go.
Author, I hope you pick this back up, do some editing, and add more to the end so that you can get a complete (three-act) story out of it. It'll be a much more compelling tale in its second version, and it'll be great practice in advance for the short-story rounds (where you get more words to play with). Thanks for writing, and I hope to see how you grow from here!
Tier: Needs Work
"This doesn't look too promising." the voice of the chairman sounded from across the room.
"No it doesn't, our results seem rather conclusive." he turned from the projected image displaying the results from the last two years of experiments.
Typically, when "he" or "she" is used without any context, it is meant to refer to the previous character of that gender that has been introduced. When I first read your opening, I was confused as to why the chairman was answering his own question.
I would strongly suggest naming the protagonist. I don't think your story gains anything from leaving him a blank slate which is important enough to justify the pronoun confusion that litters the text.
"I agree," the secretary said turning a few pages in her copy of the report. "This simply will not do."
The secretary has an oddly major role in this story. Typically the duty of an organization's secretary is to be the individual who makes certain all of the discussion is documented. (The term "secretary" is overloaded in politics, because the "Secretary of State" etc. are political offices in charge of departments, but in a corporate context a secretary is a stenographic job.)
"You will write the report as per our instructions..." the secretary said. "Or we will find someone who will. Perhaps that assistant that you keep asking us to fire." she smirked.
This definitely should not be the end of your story. This is the line which introduces the conflict -- our unnamed protagonist now is faced with a choice, and dealing with the consequences of his decision!
What happens next? That should be the story you tell. Three-act structure is definitely not the only way to write a story, but it's a very common one, and for many stories it's a good model to follow.
Here -- where you're very specifically introducing a conflict -- the reason everyone above is saying that the ending feels hollow is that you're using this very well-established model and cutting it off at the end of the first act. We've all been conditioned (by the thousands upon thousands of stories that we've been told) to expect that, when a conflict is introduced, we will also follow the character through their choices and the resolution. I'd recommend doing some basic reading on that story structure and seeing where it suggests to you that your story should go.
Author, I hope you pick this back up, do some editing, and add more to the end so that you can get a complete (three-act) story out of it. It'll be a much more compelling tale in its second version, and it'll be great practice in advance for the short-story rounds (where you get more words to play with). Thanks for writing, and I hope to see how you grow from here!
Tier: Needs Work