Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.
Show rules for this event
Unnatural Remedies
The sun was sinking towards the horizon when Luna exited her chambers to greet the approaching night. There was a spring in her step, an eager skip as she made her way through the palace halls, down its many corridors and a flight or two of stairs till she arrived at the throne room. She stopped, raised a hoof and waved at one of the attendants changing the lavender in the wall sconces. Luna took a deep breath, basking in the calming scent, and then set forwards to interrupt her sister’s dinner.
“Good evening, Celestia. How fared the day?” Luna dipped her head as she took a seat
nearby. Her elder sisters was perched in place, nibbling on some exotic mixture of seaweed and eggs, and if the smell was any indication, there was no telling how Celestia even found it edible. “And who, I wonder, is responsible for this latest culinary abomination?”
Celestia convulsively swallowed, nearly choking as her muzzle twitched in effort to hold back a laugh. Horn lit, grabbed her glass of water, and quaffed to drown a coughing fit before it could manifest, banishing it back to the vile abyss wherein it belonged with other such maladies like heartburn and hiccups.
Especially hiccups.
“It doesn’t taste as terrible as it looks,” Celestia replied. “Though I do not believe I shall be having it again. Still - well, you know how it is.”
“I’m quite thankful I do not,” Luna replied. “At least, not particularly well. I shall gladly spitefully choke down more melon rinds than subject myself to those crimes against nature that chefs claim are ‘food’. Wasn’t that supposed to be getting better? I thought that crazed food critic had been banished to Tartarus or -”
“Progress has been made,” Celestia interrupted. “But not so much as I would like. Still. It’s been a long day, but tonight will be fun! Philomena has a relative visiting - her cousin, I believe, has been on a world tour, and well, you know how phoenixes are - they’re making their last stop in Equestria before going home.”
“I see,” Luna said. “Well, far be it from me to interfere in such an...exciting...occasion.”
Celestia’s eyes twinkled. “Oh, quite!” she said cheerfully. “Feel free to come say hi later, if you like. I’m sure Adonasia would be delighted to eventually make your acquaintance.”
“Oh, perhaps I will, perhaps I will not. I’ve never had your charm for making friends, but - when is she due to arrive?”
“Well-” Celestia began, only to be interrupted by a blur of red and gold that alighted upon the table and chirped insistently at her. “According to Philomena, now, apparently,” Celestia translated, “But she’s actually resting just near the Everfree gorging herself on all sorts of new fruits, flowers, and the like. Well. I’d best be off to fetch her.” Celestia rose, and Philomena squawked insistently, hopping back into the air and circling Celestia’s head to urge her faster towards the back exit.
“Very well, Celestia. The Everfree, mm? Well! Perhaps I will come say hello. I suppose it would do to be polite. Don’t let me keep you, though, go bring your guest home!”
Celestia smiled one last time, then vanished through the doorway, leaving Luna alone. Luna tilted her head to the side, and then her horn lit, magic lifting a fork to poke into Celestia’s forgotten dinner. She swirled it around, then tugged forth a single bite and brought it to her lips, and on a whim, tasted it.
“PLLLBLPTPTHTH!” she spat, and the food promptly painted the opposite wall. Luna quaffed the rest of Celestia’s water to rinse her tongue, and then she fled the scene of the crime without cleaning up.
The next morning saw the sun rise, the moon set, and the palace staff set to panicking about five minutes after the start of court. Panic in and of itself wasn’t particularly unusual. With the amount of invasions and petty tyrants trying to declare war, and, worst of all, misplaced paperwork, that Equestria endured on a regular basis, one or more staff members wondering just how their lives had come to this was simply part of the ordinary work day.
The unusual part was the cause itself, which was currently sitting on the throne with her head quirked to the side and staring expressionlessly at the stallion droning on before her.
“And, ah, so, Princess, as you can see, if we implement this reduction in taxes upon the nobility, our philanthropic efforts will potentially double. Surely this is a reasonable proposal?”
“HhrreeEEEmmprhrhrhpfwrf!” said the Princess, and punctuated her statement with a smack of her hoof upon her throne. Thunk!
Her assistant Raven winced, and audibly cleared her throat as she stepped forward. “What her highness means is that we will consider this proposal once noble philanthropy doubles under the current system. If the nobility can prove itself so amply generous, the Crown might be inclined to do the same. Next petitioner, please!”
As the guards led the protesting noble out of the throne room, Raven turned to gaze at Celestia. “Princess,” spoke Raven in barely audible tongue, “I would be most appreciative if you would stop this prank now.”
Celestia’s ear had swivelled towards the noise, and her head followed suit. She blinked once, then leaned forwards and opened her mouth. A wet tongue rasped forth and licked Raven across the face, and Celestia drew back. “Prrrmmph,” she replied.
Raven sighed even as she drew forth a handkerchief to wipe her face clean, then walked to the end of the dais and addressed one of the two guards. “Why hasn’t Princess Luna arrived yet?”
“We, ah, cannot locate her.” The guard shuffled his hooves, and looked steadfastly at the far end of the throne room, quite away from Raven’s own visage. “But! We are contacting Twilight Sparkle! A chariot was dispatched to Ponyville to notify and retrieve her!”
Raven fought down a groan. Her jaw clenched, but she forced the muscles to relax and merely nodded her head. “Very well. Then we shall simply have to maintain the appearance of normalcy as much as possible and attempt to prevent anypony from realizing the Princess’s...condition. She seems content to sit here so we shall just have to make sure she has no need to talk.”
The guard nodded, but any further reply was stopped as the next mare arrived, another one of Canterlot’s nobility come to plead for some favor, at least if her giant hat was any indication.
“Greetings, your majesty,” the newcomer began. “I am Plum Pudding the 4th, as you well know, and I have come here today to speak to you of a matter of great importance regarding proper recognition of my family’s history, specifically -”
As she continued to speak, Celestia sat up in her chair, and her eyes fixated upon Plum’s head. The Princess licked her lips once, twice, and then rose from her chair. Plum Pudding fell silent as Celestia took two steps forwards, only for Celestia to stop and sniff at the air.
“Princess!” Raven began, “Ah, Miss Pudding, an unexpected arrangement has just come up and I am sorry to interrupt. Perhaps we could reschedule after lunch? The Princess is very busy but of course wants to make time for her subjects and…”
Celestia had begun moving again even as Raven was speaking, walking past Plum Pudding. She only made it two steps before she stopped and sniffed again, and then turned around and approached Plum from behind.
“I reluctantly understand,” Plum stated. “And while I must formally register my complaint let it be said by nopony that - EEEYAAHHH!” While she had been talking, Celestia had leaned in to sniff at her hat. This would have gone unnoticed, except the Princess next opened her mouth wide, bit down on the hat, and yanked it free. It hung loosely from her mouth while she chewed upon it.
“Ah,” began Raven, “The Princess would like you to know that she finds your hat deeply offensive, and uh - is registering her discontent. It would be best you leave before she finds further cause to grow upset. If you speak with one of the secretaries outside, and wish to file a request for reimbursement, I am sure we can...subsidize part of the loss of your, er...chapeau.”
The slack-jawed glassy-eyed expression Plum registered was the sort Raven would photograph if given the opportunity. Absent that, she would content herself with the sight of Plum’s retreating backside. As soon as the noblemare was out of earshot, she turned towards Celestia. Raven let her expression go flat. “I hope you are proud of yourself,” she said. “You’re only making a larger mess to clean up later.”
Celestia let the half-eaten hat fall from her mouth. “Hreeeeheehhweewheeawh spheehee hwwrrhmmph!” she replied, then bent to continue her impromptu brunch.
A flash of purple erupted from the center of the throne room, resolving itself into a dishevelled Twilight Sparkle. “There’s an emergency with the Princess?! Where is she? I’m here to help if - Oh. Oh, hello, Princess.” Twilight frowned. “She’s right here. Why was everypony so worried?”
“Whiiiklrttphhh,” said Celestia around a fresh mouthful of hat.
“What?” said Twilight. “Wait, er, Princess, why are you eating a hat?”
“Hnnookk,” came the answering snort.
“Uhh,” Twilight began, and only then did her eyes focus on Raven. “What’s going on?”
“She’s been like this all morning, as far as I can tell. Normally I have to go meet her on her way to the Court, but today she was sitting here when I came in. She wasn’t wearing her regalia which I thought odd, but I thought she was simply looking to get as much as possible done, had been in a hurry and forgotten them, so I had a guard run to bring them back, but…”
Twilight took a step closer to Celestia. Two, three, stopping a couple feet short of the larger mare. “Princess?” she asked again. “Are you okay?”
“Hiiiaahrmph,” nickered Celestia, and bent towards Twilight.
“Princess, wait!” Raven called out, too late, as Twilight’s face suddenly vanished beneath Celestia’s broad tongue.
“Hey! What was that for?!” Twilight spluttered, and turned to Raven. “This is how she’s been acting? You’re right to have fetched me, I bet this is some kind of curse! Just let me see…” Her horn began to radiate violet light, and the same aura grew around Celestia as Twilight shut her eyes and focused on the magical probe. “I’m not seeing any hexes….no active magic around her...no spell-forms I can detect…” She paused, and then the light expanded, sweeping through the entire room. “There’s the usual wards of course, but…” Twilight let her hornlight die and opened her eyes. “But I’m not sensing any magic. Nothing I wouldn’t expect. When was the last time you spoke...uh...normally with her?” Celestia had returned to the hat and the last vestiges were vanishing into her maw.
“Last night,” Raven said. “Right before I bid her goodbye for the evening. I know she spoke with Luna, but after that she was retired to her room with Philomena and Adonasia - that’s Philomena’s cousin.”
Twilight stopped, and turned towards Raven. “Cousin?” she repeated. “And this cousin is another phoenix?” Her eye had started to twitch.
“Ah...yes, I believe so. I didn’t see her, myself,” Raven confessed.
“I’m going to check the Princess’s room. Don’t let her wander off!” Twilight didn’t wait for a response, teleporting the distance between throne and Celestia’s bedchambers in a moment, and stopping to gaze at Celestia’s door. “I swear, Princess, if you’ve been…” She wrenched the door handle with her magic, and almost instantly a cloud of smoke billowed forth.
Twilight inhaled before she could stop herself, then broke down into a fit of coughing. “Eck! Bleh, ha-kah!” she gagged, and though her eyes were streaming she focused just enough to conjure a wash of air, blowing the smoke away from her face and then channeling the air currents to force it back inwards. Bit by bit the smoke was herded up and into a globe of shimmering force Twilight conjured near the ceiling, letting her get her first clear look at what had gone on.
Philomena lay snoozing on the floor, flopped atop Luna of all ponies who too moved not apart from the rise and fall of her chest. An incense burner sat atop a nearby table, providing a source for the fumes that had overtaken Celestia’s rooms.
Twilight glared at the sight before her, and a lash of magic cracked against Princess Luna’s rump. “Luna! Get up now!” Twilight commanded. Her teeth ground as she stomped towards her fellow Princess. “You have some serious explaining to do!”
Luna, for her part, only twitched when the magic struck her, but her eyes did not open, no yelp escaped her lips, no sign at all she had felt a thing.
“Luna?” Twilight asked, and then frowned. A second crop formed of magic and smacked Luna again, but still she did not move. Twilight promptly crouched before her and reached a hoof to pry one eye open. The eye lay unfocused, unseeing, and the instant Twilight let go the eyelid fell and Luna continued to sleep.
As Twilight turned to leave, a final blast of magic knocked over the incense burner, scattering the last of the faintly glowing ash that remained. “Wake up!” she called. “You and I will have words later, Adonasia!”
When Twilight teleported back into the throne room, she was greeted by the sounds of shouts and the clip-clop-clatter of hooves cantering about the room. In the few minutes she had been gone, Celestia appeared to have grown agitated as she was racing back and forth through the room.
“Is that chariot still in Ponyville?” Twilight strode straight to Raven, ignoring her teacher for now. She’d conjured quill and parchment while walking and was furiously writing upon the scrool. One last blast of magic sent it evaporating into a wispy trail that broke into two and headed outwards. “Nevermind, the note will find them if so. If not, when they return, tell them to go straight back and fetch Fluttershy and Zecora from Ponyville, please. The Princesses were smoking phoenix dust last night, but that shouldn’t have done this. If anypony can help, it’s…”
Twilight trailed off as she became aware something was not quite right. She glanced around the room only to find a shadow fall over her - and when she craned her head backwards, she found herself staring upwards at something long, white, and...moving? Her head kept going back, and up, and her jaw fell open in astonishment as Celestia bent her head down, sniffed twice at Twilight, and then gently bumped her in the back of the head with her muzzle.
“Heeereeehrmph parhmph pmmrwemph,” said Celestia.
Twilight groaned, a groan that became a whine when her voice cracked. “Oh, no,” she moaned. “Now she’s a high horse in more ways than one.”
“Vrrrnnkkpprh!” was all she got in response.
Twilight sighed. “When I figure out how to fix this,” she squeaked from under Celestia’s barrel, “I am going to find a way to curse you so you cannot eat cake for a whole year!”
"EEEEHHHEERREEEEEHHHRRRMMMPHHHPRRR!" Celestia whinnied, then lunged down and roughly bit Twilight on the shoulder.
Twilight yelped in pain. It was going to be a long day.
“Good evening, Celestia. How fared the day?” Luna dipped her head as she took a seat
nearby. Her elder sisters was perched in place, nibbling on some exotic mixture of seaweed and eggs, and if the smell was any indication, there was no telling how Celestia even found it edible. “And who, I wonder, is responsible for this latest culinary abomination?”
Celestia convulsively swallowed, nearly choking as her muzzle twitched in effort to hold back a laugh. Horn lit, grabbed her glass of water, and quaffed to drown a coughing fit before it could manifest, banishing it back to the vile abyss wherein it belonged with other such maladies like heartburn and hiccups.
Especially hiccups.
“It doesn’t taste as terrible as it looks,” Celestia replied. “Though I do not believe I shall be having it again. Still - well, you know how it is.”
“I’m quite thankful I do not,” Luna replied. “At least, not particularly well. I shall gladly spitefully choke down more melon rinds than subject myself to those crimes against nature that chefs claim are ‘food’. Wasn’t that supposed to be getting better? I thought that crazed food critic had been banished to Tartarus or -”
“Progress has been made,” Celestia interrupted. “But not so much as I would like. Still. It’s been a long day, but tonight will be fun! Philomena has a relative visiting - her cousin, I believe, has been on a world tour, and well, you know how phoenixes are - they’re making their last stop in Equestria before going home.”
“I see,” Luna said. “Well, far be it from me to interfere in such an...exciting...occasion.”
Celestia’s eyes twinkled. “Oh, quite!” she said cheerfully. “Feel free to come say hi later, if you like. I’m sure Adonasia would be delighted to eventually make your acquaintance.”
“Oh, perhaps I will, perhaps I will not. I’ve never had your charm for making friends, but - when is she due to arrive?”
“Well-” Celestia began, only to be interrupted by a blur of red and gold that alighted upon the table and chirped insistently at her. “According to Philomena, now, apparently,” Celestia translated, “But she’s actually resting just near the Everfree gorging herself on all sorts of new fruits, flowers, and the like. Well. I’d best be off to fetch her.” Celestia rose, and Philomena squawked insistently, hopping back into the air and circling Celestia’s head to urge her faster towards the back exit.
“Very well, Celestia. The Everfree, mm? Well! Perhaps I will come say hello. I suppose it would do to be polite. Don’t let me keep you, though, go bring your guest home!”
Celestia smiled one last time, then vanished through the doorway, leaving Luna alone. Luna tilted her head to the side, and then her horn lit, magic lifting a fork to poke into Celestia’s forgotten dinner. She swirled it around, then tugged forth a single bite and brought it to her lips, and on a whim, tasted it.
“PLLLBLPTPTHTH!” she spat, and the food promptly painted the opposite wall. Luna quaffed the rest of Celestia’s water to rinse her tongue, and then she fled the scene of the crime without cleaning up.
The next morning saw the sun rise, the moon set, and the palace staff set to panicking about five minutes after the start of court. Panic in and of itself wasn’t particularly unusual. With the amount of invasions and petty tyrants trying to declare war, and, worst of all, misplaced paperwork, that Equestria endured on a regular basis, one or more staff members wondering just how their lives had come to this was simply part of the ordinary work day.
The unusual part was the cause itself, which was currently sitting on the throne with her head quirked to the side and staring expressionlessly at the stallion droning on before her.
“And, ah, so, Princess, as you can see, if we implement this reduction in taxes upon the nobility, our philanthropic efforts will potentially double. Surely this is a reasonable proposal?”
“HhrreeEEEmmprhrhrhpfwrf!” said the Princess, and punctuated her statement with a smack of her hoof upon her throne. Thunk!
Her assistant Raven winced, and audibly cleared her throat as she stepped forward. “What her highness means is that we will consider this proposal once noble philanthropy doubles under the current system. If the nobility can prove itself so amply generous, the Crown might be inclined to do the same. Next petitioner, please!”
As the guards led the protesting noble out of the throne room, Raven turned to gaze at Celestia. “Princess,” spoke Raven in barely audible tongue, “I would be most appreciative if you would stop this prank now.”
Celestia’s ear had swivelled towards the noise, and her head followed suit. She blinked once, then leaned forwards and opened her mouth. A wet tongue rasped forth and licked Raven across the face, and Celestia drew back. “Prrrmmph,” she replied.
Raven sighed even as she drew forth a handkerchief to wipe her face clean, then walked to the end of the dais and addressed one of the two guards. “Why hasn’t Princess Luna arrived yet?”
“We, ah, cannot locate her.” The guard shuffled his hooves, and looked steadfastly at the far end of the throne room, quite away from Raven’s own visage. “But! We are contacting Twilight Sparkle! A chariot was dispatched to Ponyville to notify and retrieve her!”
Raven fought down a groan. Her jaw clenched, but she forced the muscles to relax and merely nodded her head. “Very well. Then we shall simply have to maintain the appearance of normalcy as much as possible and attempt to prevent anypony from realizing the Princess’s...condition. She seems content to sit here so we shall just have to make sure she has no need to talk.”
The guard nodded, but any further reply was stopped as the next mare arrived, another one of Canterlot’s nobility come to plead for some favor, at least if her giant hat was any indication.
“Greetings, your majesty,” the newcomer began. “I am Plum Pudding the 4th, as you well know, and I have come here today to speak to you of a matter of great importance regarding proper recognition of my family’s history, specifically -”
As she continued to speak, Celestia sat up in her chair, and her eyes fixated upon Plum’s head. The Princess licked her lips once, twice, and then rose from her chair. Plum Pudding fell silent as Celestia took two steps forwards, only for Celestia to stop and sniff at the air.
“Princess!” Raven began, “Ah, Miss Pudding, an unexpected arrangement has just come up and I am sorry to interrupt. Perhaps we could reschedule after lunch? The Princess is very busy but of course wants to make time for her subjects and…”
Celestia had begun moving again even as Raven was speaking, walking past Plum Pudding. She only made it two steps before she stopped and sniffed again, and then turned around and approached Plum from behind.
“I reluctantly understand,” Plum stated. “And while I must formally register my complaint let it be said by nopony that - EEEYAAHHH!” While she had been talking, Celestia had leaned in to sniff at her hat. This would have gone unnoticed, except the Princess next opened her mouth wide, bit down on the hat, and yanked it free. It hung loosely from her mouth while she chewed upon it.
“Ah,” began Raven, “The Princess would like you to know that she finds your hat deeply offensive, and uh - is registering her discontent. It would be best you leave before she finds further cause to grow upset. If you speak with one of the secretaries outside, and wish to file a request for reimbursement, I am sure we can...subsidize part of the loss of your, er...chapeau.”
The slack-jawed glassy-eyed expression Plum registered was the sort Raven would photograph if given the opportunity. Absent that, she would content herself with the sight of Plum’s retreating backside. As soon as the noblemare was out of earshot, she turned towards Celestia. Raven let her expression go flat. “I hope you are proud of yourself,” she said. “You’re only making a larger mess to clean up later.”
Celestia let the half-eaten hat fall from her mouth. “Hreeeeheehhweewheeawh spheehee hwwrrhmmph!” she replied, then bent to continue her impromptu brunch.
A flash of purple erupted from the center of the throne room, resolving itself into a dishevelled Twilight Sparkle. “There’s an emergency with the Princess?! Where is she? I’m here to help if - Oh. Oh, hello, Princess.” Twilight frowned. “She’s right here. Why was everypony so worried?”
“Whiiiklrttphhh,” said Celestia around a fresh mouthful of hat.
“What?” said Twilight. “Wait, er, Princess, why are you eating a hat?”
“Hnnookk,” came the answering snort.
“Uhh,” Twilight began, and only then did her eyes focus on Raven. “What’s going on?”
“She’s been like this all morning, as far as I can tell. Normally I have to go meet her on her way to the Court, but today she was sitting here when I came in. She wasn’t wearing her regalia which I thought odd, but I thought she was simply looking to get as much as possible done, had been in a hurry and forgotten them, so I had a guard run to bring them back, but…”
Twilight took a step closer to Celestia. Two, three, stopping a couple feet short of the larger mare. “Princess?” she asked again. “Are you okay?”
“Hiiiaahrmph,” nickered Celestia, and bent towards Twilight.
“Princess, wait!” Raven called out, too late, as Twilight’s face suddenly vanished beneath Celestia’s broad tongue.
“Hey! What was that for?!” Twilight spluttered, and turned to Raven. “This is how she’s been acting? You’re right to have fetched me, I bet this is some kind of curse! Just let me see…” Her horn began to radiate violet light, and the same aura grew around Celestia as Twilight shut her eyes and focused on the magical probe. “I’m not seeing any hexes….no active magic around her...no spell-forms I can detect…” She paused, and then the light expanded, sweeping through the entire room. “There’s the usual wards of course, but…” Twilight let her hornlight die and opened her eyes. “But I’m not sensing any magic. Nothing I wouldn’t expect. When was the last time you spoke...uh...normally with her?” Celestia had returned to the hat and the last vestiges were vanishing into her maw.
“Last night,” Raven said. “Right before I bid her goodbye for the evening. I know she spoke with Luna, but after that she was retired to her room with Philomena and Adonasia - that’s Philomena’s cousin.”
Twilight stopped, and turned towards Raven. “Cousin?” she repeated. “And this cousin is another phoenix?” Her eye had started to twitch.
“Ah...yes, I believe so. I didn’t see her, myself,” Raven confessed.
“I’m going to check the Princess’s room. Don’t let her wander off!” Twilight didn’t wait for a response, teleporting the distance between throne and Celestia’s bedchambers in a moment, and stopping to gaze at Celestia’s door. “I swear, Princess, if you’ve been…” She wrenched the door handle with her magic, and almost instantly a cloud of smoke billowed forth.
Twilight inhaled before she could stop herself, then broke down into a fit of coughing. “Eck! Bleh, ha-kah!” she gagged, and though her eyes were streaming she focused just enough to conjure a wash of air, blowing the smoke away from her face and then channeling the air currents to force it back inwards. Bit by bit the smoke was herded up and into a globe of shimmering force Twilight conjured near the ceiling, letting her get her first clear look at what had gone on.
Philomena lay snoozing on the floor, flopped atop Luna of all ponies who too moved not apart from the rise and fall of her chest. An incense burner sat atop a nearby table, providing a source for the fumes that had overtaken Celestia’s rooms.
Twilight glared at the sight before her, and a lash of magic cracked against Princess Luna’s rump. “Luna! Get up now!” Twilight commanded. Her teeth ground as she stomped towards her fellow Princess. “You have some serious explaining to do!”
Luna, for her part, only twitched when the magic struck her, but her eyes did not open, no yelp escaped her lips, no sign at all she had felt a thing.
“Luna?” Twilight asked, and then frowned. A second crop formed of magic and smacked Luna again, but still she did not move. Twilight promptly crouched before her and reached a hoof to pry one eye open. The eye lay unfocused, unseeing, and the instant Twilight let go the eyelid fell and Luna continued to sleep.
As Twilight turned to leave, a final blast of magic knocked over the incense burner, scattering the last of the faintly glowing ash that remained. “Wake up!” she called. “You and I will have words later, Adonasia!”
When Twilight teleported back into the throne room, she was greeted by the sounds of shouts and the clip-clop-clatter of hooves cantering about the room. In the few minutes she had been gone, Celestia appeared to have grown agitated as she was racing back and forth through the room.
“Is that chariot still in Ponyville?” Twilight strode straight to Raven, ignoring her teacher for now. She’d conjured quill and parchment while walking and was furiously writing upon the scrool. One last blast of magic sent it evaporating into a wispy trail that broke into two and headed outwards. “Nevermind, the note will find them if so. If not, when they return, tell them to go straight back and fetch Fluttershy and Zecora from Ponyville, please. The Princesses were smoking phoenix dust last night, but that shouldn’t have done this. If anypony can help, it’s…”
Twilight trailed off as she became aware something was not quite right. She glanced around the room only to find a shadow fall over her - and when she craned her head backwards, she found herself staring upwards at something long, white, and...moving? Her head kept going back, and up, and her jaw fell open in astonishment as Celestia bent her head down, sniffed twice at Twilight, and then gently bumped her in the back of the head with her muzzle.
“Heeereeehrmph parhmph pmmrwemph,” said Celestia.
Twilight groaned, a groan that became a whine when her voice cracked. “Oh, no,” she moaned. “Now she’s a high horse in more ways than one.”
“Vrrrnnkkpprh!” was all she got in response.
Twilight sighed. “When I figure out how to fix this,” she squeaked from under Celestia’s barrel, “I am going to find a way to curse you so you cannot eat cake for a whole year!”
"EEEEHHHEERREEEEEHHHRRRMMMPHHHPRRR!" Celestia whinnied, then lunged down and roughly bit Twilight on the shoulder.
Twilight yelped in pain. It was going to be a long day.
Pics
There's something cheeky and fun about inter-Writeoff humor, whether it's giant eyeballs or alicorn stoner rituals. I suspected something familiar was afoot when Luna suddenly changed her mind about visiting with Adonasia (which is a cool name that I'd love to know the origins for).
While it was good fun, it wasn't super good fun. I feel like Celestia talking in garbled non-words was a wasted opportunity. Stereotypical stoner talk is overdone and predictable, so I appreciate the effort to avoid it, but even marginally randomized phrases might have aided the overall comedic effect. A few rounds of normal talk run through Bad Translator, maybe.
I did appreciate the shade thrown at Trickle Down Economics though. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. :-|
While it was good fun, it wasn't super good fun. I feel like Celestia talking in garbled non-words was a wasted opportunity. Stereotypical stoner talk is overdone and predictable, so I appreciate the effort to avoid it, but even marginally randomized phrases might have aided the overall comedic effect. A few rounds of normal talk run through Bad Translator, maybe.
I did appreciate the shade thrown at Trickle Down Economics though. Or maybe I'm reading too much into it. :-|
Spoilsport review incoming. Before we get there though, lemme say the story is technically fine and will likely get some laughs out of people who are not me.
Anyhow, again, I think I can narrow things down to two core issues.
1. The plot arc is basically non-existent. You can basically cut the entirety of the first scene without losing anything. The first half of the next scene is entirely consequnceless antics. Once Twilight arrives we start telling a story, but even that we don't seem to complete since nothing is actually resolved.
This is, essentially, just a really long scene of Celestial acting like a horse with no real payoff beyond that. Which kinda segues into my next problem:
2. The story is way too understated. Characters are behaving like rational actors for the most part, which is a problem because it ends up distracting from the humor. Like, why even allow Celestial out instead of just telling people she is ill/busy?
The meetings she has are so mundane and the hoarseness has so little impact that I end up treating this as more a normal fic than a raw comedy, which its to its detriment. If you want absurd contrasted against normal, you really have to contrast them. If you want actual absurd, you need to be absurd. Horse Celestia negotiates a peace treaty with Saddle Arabia!
Basically, you really need to tighten the focus of this one and decide what story are you telling. Is this about horse antics? Is this about Twilight solving a stupid mystery? The doom of Equestria? Decide and make sure your story wraps around that!
Anyhow, again, I think I can narrow things down to two core issues.
1. The plot arc is basically non-existent. You can basically cut the entirety of the first scene without losing anything. The first half of the next scene is entirely consequnceless antics. Once Twilight arrives we start telling a story, but even that we don't seem to complete since nothing is actually resolved.
This is, essentially, just a really long scene of Celestial acting like a horse with no real payoff beyond that. Which kinda segues into my next problem:
2. The story is way too understated. Characters are behaving like rational actors for the most part, which is a problem because it ends up distracting from the humor. Like, why even allow Celestial out instead of just telling people she is ill/busy?
The meetings she has are so mundane and the hoarseness has so little impact that I end up treating this as more a normal fic than a raw comedy, which its to its detriment. If you want absurd contrasted against normal, you really have to contrast them. If you want actual absurd, you need to be absurd. Horse Celestia negotiates a peace treaty with Saddle Arabia!
Basically, you really need to tighten the focus of this one and decide what story are you telling. Is this about horse antics? Is this about Twilight solving a stupid mystery? The doom of Equestria? Decide and make sure your story wraps around that!
Thank you for the grins, author. Someone clearly took >>Posh as a challenge, and completed it successfully. This also seems like it's taking some meta jabs and/or homages -- i.e. what >>Rao cited, as well as the scene with Twilight walking in on Luna hotboxing feeling like a nod to Up in Smoke (aka "Special" Delivery), which makes me chuffed.
Unfortunately, like prior reviewers, I found it a little bit difficult to appreciate the story as a whole, despite each individual part of it being written with both a strong command of prose and some funny concepts. There's a certain disjointed quality to it -- that first scene, for example, strongly implies some sort of setup where food poisoning is leading to Celestia's behavior, except it turns out to be a giant red herring which is never mentioned again, and suddenly it's a story about drug abuse. Even then there's no real sense of consistency: Luna isn't affected similarly, she just goes comatose. And that final section seems designed for the sole purpose of working a "Tall" pic connection into the fic, which strikes me as completely unnecessary given that it's using two other pics as inspiration already.
So, yes, author: agreed with above wrt more focus. You've got a lot of material in here that is good material in the abstract, but it's good material for a different story than the core one you want to tell, and there's some fairly advanced judgment involved in realizing that that good material is actually holding you back because it's forcing you to dilute your focus too much. Trying to frame this more tightly (e.g. slimming it down to just the drug/horse-talk material, which is your meatiest core) will make for some good editing experience.
Tier: Needs Work
Unfortunately, like prior reviewers, I found it a little bit difficult to appreciate the story as a whole, despite each individual part of it being written with both a strong command of prose and some funny concepts. There's a certain disjointed quality to it -- that first scene, for example, strongly implies some sort of setup where food poisoning is leading to Celestia's behavior, except it turns out to be a giant red herring which is never mentioned again, and suddenly it's a story about drug abuse. Even then there's no real sense of consistency: Luna isn't affected similarly, she just goes comatose. And that final section seems designed for the sole purpose of working a "Tall" pic connection into the fic, which strikes me as completely unnecessary given that it's using two other pics as inspiration already.
So, yes, author: agreed with above wrt more focus. You've got a lot of material in here that is good material in the abstract, but it's good material for a different story than the core one you want to tell, and there's some fairly advanced judgment involved in realizing that that good material is actually holding you back because it's forcing you to dilute your focus too much. Trying to frame this more tightly (e.g. slimming it down to just the drug/horse-talk material, which is your meatiest core) will make for some good editing experience.
Tier: Needs Work
Tickled as I am that someone wrote my idea, as >>horizon noted, I can't say that this landed with me. It's riotously funny, worthy of many lols, and even a lmao, but it doesn't come together all the way. And I don't like that it simply stops, rather than properly ends.
That said, it's going to #1 on my slate just because it fluffed up my ego nice 'n big, like a stack of smiley fruit-pancakes.
That said, it's going to #1 on my slate just because it fluffed up my ego nice 'n big, like a stack of smiley fruit-pancakes.
Same as the other reviewers, except that where they see lack of focus, I see "author ran out of time/energy/wrote this as a second piece/something like that." I think there's a decent mystery/investigation setup here, with Luna, the food, and the new phoenix, and Twilight's fixing to go out and solve problems - but then the story just ends. It's not just missing a conclusion, it's barely starting the second act of a traditional three act structure.
So that's unfortunate, and the piece as it currently stands is not going to place too highly in my votes. I do like what *is* here, though, it's funny, well written, and pleasant to run through. A promising start, and I hope you do go back and revisit/finish this! Thanks for writing!
So that's unfortunate, and the piece as it currently stands is not going to place too highly in my votes. I do like what *is* here, though, it's funny, well written, and pleasant to run through. A promising start, and I hope you do go back and revisit/finish this! Thanks for writing!
>>AndrewRogue
Sums it up best. I'll add my own reactions below though.
Some overly convoluted phrasing and sentence structure early on. "Horn lit, grabbed her glass of water, and quaffed to drown a coughing fit before it could manifest, banishing it back to the vile abyss wherein it belonged with other such maladies like heartburn and hiccups."
Another example: "With the amount of invasions and petty tyrants trying to declare war, and, worst of all, misplaced paperwork, that Equestria endured on a regular basis, one or more staff members wondering just how their lives had come to this was simply part of the ordinary work day."
Okay, NO idea what is going on with the court now. Licking? Okay, the mystery is set, but I wonder if it has anything at all to do with the intro scene (aside from the phoenix visit.)
Smoking phoenix dust? Oh no, I've seen this before...
"High horse"? Seriously? This was a just a feghoot? Grrr...
Okay, trying to ignore the feghoot aspect, this just doesn't work. The bad grammar in the form of needlessly convoluted sentences kept me from being able to just read through this smoothly, and the lack of any proper setup for the crisis leaves little to enjoy. There are elements here which, if put together soundly, could make for a funny story, but this isn't it.
Sums it up best. I'll add my own reactions below though.
Some overly convoluted phrasing and sentence structure early on. "Horn lit, grabbed her glass of water, and quaffed to drown a coughing fit before it could manifest, banishing it back to the vile abyss wherein it belonged with other such maladies like heartburn and hiccups."
Another example: "With the amount of invasions and petty tyrants trying to declare war, and, worst of all, misplaced paperwork, that Equestria endured on a regular basis, one or more staff members wondering just how their lives had come to this was simply part of the ordinary work day."
Okay, NO idea what is going on with the court now. Licking? Okay, the mystery is set, but I wonder if it has anything at all to do with the intro scene (aside from the phoenix visit.)
Smoking phoenix dust? Oh no, I've seen this before...
"High horse"? Seriously? This was a just a feghoot? Grrr...
Okay, trying to ignore the feghoot aspect, this just doesn't work. The bad grammar in the form of needlessly convoluted sentences kept me from being able to just read through this smoothly, and the lack of any proper setup for the crisis leaves little to enjoy. There are elements here which, if put together soundly, could make for a funny story, but this isn't it.
So I've been really busy this week hence no reviews on my end for which I apologize to people.
>>Ranmilia
This is actually accurate! I have a whole lot more that was planned but basically I ran out of energy.
Fluttershy was going to show up with Zecora, and long story short they'd figure out that the Phoenix totally ate a bunch of poison joke and that's why Celestia is all head-noodled, Luna is totally asleep and Twilight is suddenly Smol.
Meanwhile Horselestia was going to see Twilight as her filly and hijinx would ensue as Twilight tries to get her to stop and Celestia won't and so on and so on.
I wasn't quite sure what my ending was going to be other than the usual poison joke cure wouldn't work.
>>Rao
She's a horse. She doesn't talk, she whinnies and whatnot. That's why! And yes. It was a dig at trickle-down.
>>AndrewRogue
I didn't go completely over the top. If I finish and publish this I might. I haven't decided.
>>horizon
Not drug abuse! More like 'Oops the Phoenix was spiked with Poison Joke'. And me ending it because I wanted to go to bed when it had another 5k+ words to go to be truly done.
>>Posh
Yes! All accurate.
>>Xepher
No, not a feghoot. It's taking Posh's challenge and ending early because I got sleepy.
Anyhoo! Thanks for comments everyone!
>>Ranmilia
This is actually accurate! I have a whole lot more that was planned but basically I ran out of energy.
Fluttershy was going to show up with Zecora, and long story short they'd figure out that the Phoenix totally ate a bunch of poison joke and that's why Celestia is all head-noodled, Luna is totally asleep and Twilight is suddenly Smol.
Meanwhile Horselestia was going to see Twilight as her filly and hijinx would ensue as Twilight tries to get her to stop and Celestia won't and so on and so on.
I wasn't quite sure what my ending was going to be other than the usual poison joke cure wouldn't work.
>>Rao
She's a horse. She doesn't talk, she whinnies and whatnot. That's why! And yes. It was a dig at trickle-down.
>>AndrewRogue
I didn't go completely over the top. If I finish and publish this I might. I haven't decided.
>>horizon
Not drug abuse! More like 'Oops the Phoenix was spiked with Poison Joke'. And me ending it because I wanted to go to bed when it had another 5k+ words to go to be truly done.
>>Posh
Yes! All accurate.
>>Xepher
No, not a feghoot. It's taking Posh's challenge and ending early because I got sleepy.
Anyhoo! Thanks for comments everyone!