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Down To The Waterline
Saturday, May 19th
I watch the Sun rising above the horizon and it feels like a promise for a brighter future.
Less than one hour ago, an official came to inform me that my expedition had been approved by the Committee. I did it! I’ve finally convinced these old nags. I knew if I pushed the right buttons, they would be eager to fund me.
The War Ministry have found some evidences of ruins at the very east of Keratia, aerial photos they have snatched during a raid on a pegasus bastion. When they brought us the pictures for study, I knew I had something valuable between my hooves. My colleagues didn’t think much about it, they said Canterlot was just an old tale, but they haven’t devoted as much time on this subject as I. Clues are everywhere if you just bother looking for them, and these ones, these photos, they are pretty big clues.
I had to find a way to get there but the Committee didn’t want to hear about it at first, pretending that even if I was right and the place was indeed Canterlot, I couldn’t prove the journey would benefit the war. It’s only when I started talking about ancient and powerful weapons that their eyes glistened. There is indeed a solid possibility for the Elements of Harmony — magical artifacts able to destroy any foes as the old tales says — to be buried deep inside the ancient capital. If not, I’m sure there will be clues to point out where they remains.
If the stories are even remotely true, the war will end in a week. Nothing will withstand the power of the Elements. A single display of our new power will be enough. Peace will finally reign — no more meaningless deaths of our young unicorns, no more shattered families like mine — they will all kneel and a better future shall rise.
“Neigh Digger, The Bringer of Peace.” That title sounds good. The first pony to discover and explore the mythical Canterlot. I’ll be the new hero of the Public Relations Ministry. My face will be on every front page, wielding the Elements. That’s a sweet dream but I should probably wait to actually be there and find the artifacts.
Unfortunately, the Committee couldn’t afford to send an escort with me, with the war and everything. I don’t really care — in fact, I’d rather be alone because I won’t have to endure constant watch. I can take care of myself and it’s not like the trip could be dangerous. It’s only heaps of rubble and ruins, there is nothing to fear and, in any case, I know a spell or two to defend myself.
I should leave in two days. I can’t wait.
Monday, May 31st
The trip is uneventful but I guess I can’t really complain. I wish I could have take an aerostat but the ruins are too close to pegasus territory so I had to take the train. I guess I just have to sit and wait. It’s not like I have much else to do. At least, it gives me time to study the photos and to check, for the hundredth time, that my calculation of Canterlot’s location are still correct.
The more I look at these pictures and what they promise, the more I’m sure our world will change forever. These artifacts, the Elements of Harmony, their power go beyond what I can understand. Legends are fragmentary, but one sure thing is the fact they only activate if the bearer is worthy. I’m not sure how somepony proves oneself worthy of them but from what I understand, finding them is a big part of it. If I’m destined to find them, I hope I’m also destined to bear them. What if I’m not? Or worst, what if no pony is worthy? We’ll end up with inert artifacts, unable to use them. That would be ironic, but I shouldn’t delve too much on that part before getting them. One thing at a time, like my father always said. I’ll see what the future has in store.
On a side note, I’ve met a nice stallion on the train this afternoon. His name is Crittame, if I recall correctly. A bit of a daydreamer but a fascinating stallion. He knows a lot about fauna and we spent some time chatting about our respective area of expertise. He also told me he was going to the Ghostly Gorge to study the fauna. According to him, some ponies have seen wild griffins around. I don’t know what these country folks eat; there haven’t been a single griffon for centuries but the guy seemed convinced they existed. It was his third trip and he was sure it would be the one. I hope he won’t be too disappointed when he’ll find out it was only wild chimeras or baby manticores. I feel some pity for him, chasing ghosts of the past.
Last day, he asked me the reason for my trip. I didn’t know what I was allowed to say but I prefered to remain vague. I said I was going to study ancient ruins beyond the mountains. His reaction was to laugh, pretending that there was nothing except a dense wild forest, filled with dangerous wildlife. When I argued that I had solid evidences, he laughed harder. What he said next surprised me. “You must have pulled some pretty smart tricks to convince the Committee to pay up for your trip,” he said, before adding with a smirk “I myself told them griffins could reinforce our troops if we paid them enough.” I didn’t know what to answer at the moment. It seemed his claim was genuine, but I can’t help but think he’s a spy, sent to watch me and test my loyalty to the Committee. These doddery ponies can sleep tight; unless global peace is out of question, they have nothing to fear from me.
Anyway, I should arrive at the end of the line tomorrow. The train doesn’t go further away than Boggy Town and I’ll have to walk a few days before reaching the ruins. That’s fine, at least I would actually be doing something, even if it’s something as plain as walking.
Saturday, June 5th
I thought the journey would be hard but from now, it has been a stroll in the park. I have come across small unicorn villages on the way, where I have been able to restock my food and water supplies. I hope I won’t run low, I don’t want to have to eat grass right from the ground like a common earth pony.
I even had the chance to be accommodated several times by inhabitants. I was quite surprised the first time one of them suggested I rest at his home. I thought at first it hid something — I didn’t tell them I was sent by the Committee — but I’ve been proven wrong so far. This is not in Unicornia you could find such generosity. The more miserly Unicornians are, the better they feel. These country folks could teach them a thing or two to the inhabitants of the capital. It even allowed me to save from the budget the Committee gave me and they should be pleased to see I didn’t squander it all.
Yesterday, I think I saw something that shouldn’t be. I was entering another one of these small villages and several ponies quickly went inside, locking doors and curtains. While they clearly didn’t want to be seen by a stranger, I had still been able to glimpse their body. I’m almost certain some had wings and others didn’t have horns. If they are pegasi and earth ponies here, these folks are gonna have a bad time if the Committee ever hears about it. I was even tempted to keep walking to the next town. I didn’t want them to learn I was a government agent. Who knows what they would have done to me to keep their secret safe? However, they were as welcoming as in the other villages. If they knew, they didn’t mention it and accommodated me as if I was a long life member of their community. Somehow, I hope they won’t be discover. It’s not like they are a threat for Keratia, and if they are, they won’t be a problem once I’ll retrieve the Elements.
When I have talked about my destination to the couple who put me up for tonight, they had a strange reaction. At first, they kept an awkward silence but then, the mare try to dissuade me from going there. I have asked them several times why, if the place was more dangerous than what we know but they didn’t want to say anything.
Anyway, I’ll see it by myself. It’s getting late and I need to get up early if I want be at the ruin tomorrow evening.
Sunday, June 6th
I have been able to see the top of a stone tower this morning, probably the same which was on the aerial photographs, but I don’t think I will reach it today like I thought. As Crittame claimed, the forest is thick, it is hard to walk in a straight line. I think I also got lost all the morning, but I strangely ended in a wide clearing, right in the middle of the forest. The vegetation is sparse and I have noticed that it grows in very specific areas and seems to avoid others, making some paths very easy to walk.
It is only after I wander along these paths that I have noticed some oddly placed rocks. After a longer investigation, they appear to be the remainings of an old house. Searching for more, I found plenty of others. It looks like there was a small village here too, probably five or six centuries ago.
The only records I read about Canterlot talked about a small rural village, located near the ancient capital by the name of Ponytown or Ponyville. However, the tower I saw this morning is not as far as it is supposed to be, if the tower is indeed a tower of the royal palace. It shouldn’t be so close and I am sure I am at the right place, all my instruments point in that direction. If it’s Ponyville, there shouldn’t have been a castle. What does these country folks would have done with a castle?
Wherever I am, I’ll probably find some evidences tomorrow in the ruins. I have wasted enough time.
Monday, June 7th
I have spent a whole day inside the tower and nothing. Nothing indicates where I am, if it is Canterlot or that small village. Nothing but rocks, rocks and dust. I don’t know what was the purpose for this tower. Maybe it was some kind of military building but why would they build one in the middle of nowhere? Was this town a forward military post for a war that happened centuries ago?
The only thing vaguely interesting I could get from this rocks is that some of them have small crystal inclusions, which is odd because they don’t seem to have been set in the rock, but are rather a part of the rocks themselves. I’m not a geologist but it looks like the rock has fossilised into crystals or vice versa, which is impossible in these conditions. If it is the only thing I can report to the Committee, I can bid farewell to any future funding, without mentioning my career.
I am disappointed and I am feeling betrayed. This journey led to nothing and I have lost my time. I have invested my reputation and almost all my savings. I’m sure there is something hidden here — I didn’t become an archeologist without good intuition — but it’s not like I could stay much longer. The food is starting to run low and I need to report my discovery to the Committee. I give myself two days before leaving.
Tuesday, June 8th
Something interesting showed up today. I was studying the architecture of the tower when I tripped over a large wooden beam on the ground. It has revealed the entrance of a basement.
I spent half of the day clearing a passage. I thought at first that I would find a small room but it seems that there is a whole network of underground galleries. Unfortunately, they are all clogged, and it took me the other half of the day to clear one single room. I don’t know how many of these rooms I’ll be able to explore because there isn’t much food left. That should do it if I ration it, but I need to be careful.
For now, it seems my first assumption about the composition of the wall was close enough to the truth. All the walls were made of crystals. A geologist will be able to confirm my theory. The nature of the crystals reminds me of some relics I had the chance to see. Specialists claimed them to be from the Crystal Empire. It is said that this empire had the bad habit of disappearing and reappearing wherever it feels like. I really hope I’m not dealing with some remaining buildings from the Empire. I didn’t come here for that.
I also decided to settle the camp inside the tower. I don’t really know why, there isn’t any logical reason for that. The weather is mild so I don’t need to protect myself from the elements, and, next to the tower, there are some houses ruins that could serve the exact same purpose.
If I am honest with myself, I feel like being drawn by the tower, like if the tower is giving me hope. Sure, finding these galleries raised my confidence, but there is something odd about this place. It feels like unicorn magic but at the same time, it’s warm and invigorating. I noticed the new sensation halfway through while clearing the room. I have never been reluctant to do any labor, but this was a pretty big one. Normally, I would have given up before even starting by just seeing how much I would have to do, but this time, I was almost craving for working harder. I even felt some guilt when I took a break to eat.
I’m wondering if I have been away from civilization for too long or if there is actually something calling me underneath. Could that be the Elements? Or have I definitely gone crazy? Whatever it is, I’m too exhausted to think straight.
I’ll explore the room I have cleared tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 9th
This building was clearly not for military purpose, unless they used to add libraries. I found preserved bookshelves inside the room. I suppose it’s because they were made of crystals and haven’t been exposed to the outside.
More than bookshelves, I als found some books. Most of them are too damaged to be readable, even with a restoration spell but I found one I should be able to read. I still can’t say who was the author. The only clue I have is on the cover, five symbols forming a horseshoe around a six pointed star. I don’t know what it could mean but the most surprising thing is its content. The restoration spell is far from complete but I already have some readable fragments.
These are the most readable for now but all of them seem to talk about friends or friendship. The word ‘magic’ is also repeated more than once. Maybe the journal belonged to a foal or a filly unicorn. However, several entries has been signed by different ponies. It doesn’t make any sense. At least, none that I can grasp at the moment.
Once more, I guess I’ll have to wait tomorrow for the spell to finish its work. I’ve depleted all my food stock, and any sane pony would have left by now. After all, my mission is a failure. I didn’t find what I was looking for and I don’t believe this journal could make up for it, but something is keeping me here. I don’t know if it’s because of the journal or if I’ve gone crazy, but this is bigger than everything I saw. In order to not starve, I have started eating grass and flowers around the tower. They are more than tasty and, even more surprising, I feel full of strength after eating them, more than I have ever felt. Logic would say this is unnatural, but I think this place and its strange magic gives me everything I need to survive. That shouldn’t be possible. It’s too late to go back anyway. I’ll see the bottom of the line, whatever are the consequences.
Thursday, June 10th
This journal is amazing. That shouldn’t be possible but the spell have fully restored the book. No one could say it was written centuries ago and all the entries are perfectly readable. This journal is definitely not one from a young pony. A powerful magic, probably the same magic that fills this place, must have protected it from the ravages of time.
They are all like this. Apparently, this Twilight Sparkle was a student of the mythical Celestia and studied friendship here in Ponyville. Moreover, she was friend with some pegasi and earth ponies. She had five very close friends, one unicorn named Rarity, two pegasi named Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash and two earth ponies named Applejack and Pinkie Pie. It doesn’t seem like it was uncommon back then. Every race lived among others in what is described as a perfect Harmony.
I know that every earth pony or pegasus is not bad. I had the occasion to work with an earth pony years ago; a brilliant mind, a very nice pony to be around, but he was a defector. Like the other defectors, he had adopted our way of living. Unless they all accept our way, I can’t imagine how this Harmony could work. Everyone being one and the same is the only logical conclusion to achieve unity, and yet, each of these six mares seemed to have walked their own path without harming their friendship. This was unthinkable for me not so long ago, but thanks to their records, I feel like I’m starting to glimpse the answer.
All the answers lie inside this book. I need to spend more time studying it. I have to.
Friday, July 2nd (probably)
I don’t know what to do. It has been three weeks or so since I discovered that journal, and I don’t know what to do with it. The harmony these six mares talk about seems so impossible to reach and yet so easy to understand at the same time.
The Committee probably considers that I am dead now. I should have been back to Unicornia for weeks but I couldn’t, this document could not only bring new informations about our past but it could also open a new era for Unicornia. No, not Unicornia. Equestria. If I give the journal to the Committee, they will probably destroy it. They might even consider me as a traitor and execute me. I have to find a way to bring this harmony to everypony. I can’t allow the journal to fall under their hooves.
...
Monday, Fructidor 1st
I watch the Sun rising above the horizon and it is not a promise for a brighter future anymore. This future is now a present. It doesn’t look like what I had imagined when my mind was clouded by the government’s propaganda. It is... better. A pegasi squadron just flew by, holding a giant banner “We are all ponies.”
For years, I have been slowly making contacts with members of the resistance of each nation. For years, I worked hard to gain their trust. For years, I have been hiding. It has been exhausting but it’s almost over. The treaty for the new Equestria has been signed this morning by the representatives of the three races, establishing the premises of a new era, an era cleared from war, intolerance and loneliness. An era where our foals will grow in peace, with a clear path before them, and devoid of any threat — a peace that didn’t need to be based on the promise of destruction but on friendship. The answer was something as simple and pure as friendship.
When I came back from the tower, crossing the village where I thought I saw ponies hiding, all the village was outside, blocking my path. They knew I had discovered something inside the ruins, but they didn’t know what I would do with it. They were ready to do anything to prevent me from endangering their community. Fortunately, I wasn’t a threat for them anymore. I showed them the journal and they instantly believed me. It is thanks to them I have been able to contact the resistance fighters from the other country. We started working together, printing the lessons of the journal, spreading the word of friendship, and slowly countering the destroying ideologies that have ruled ponies for far too long.
In the end, I wasn’t chosen to bear the Elements, like I thought. I don’t where they remain or if we’ll ever need their power. My destiny was to find the journal and bring its content to the world. And even with this last part, I wasn’t on my own. I couldn’t have done it alone. I knew this was bigger than a single, simple pony. My name wasn’t fated to be remember. No pony will remember my name, but as long as the names of Twilight Sparkle and her friends are remembered and cherished, the rest doesn’t matter. So I have one last lesson, a lesson I hope no one will ever forget.
I watch the Sun rising above the horizon and it feels like a promise for a brighter future.
Less than one hour ago, an official came to inform me that my expedition had been approved by the Committee. I did it! I’ve finally convinced these old nags. I knew if I pushed the right buttons, they would be eager to fund me.
The War Ministry have found some evidences of ruins at the very east of Keratia, aerial photos they have snatched during a raid on a pegasus bastion. When they brought us the pictures for study, I knew I had something valuable between my hooves. My colleagues didn’t think much about it, they said Canterlot was just an old tale, but they haven’t devoted as much time on this subject as I. Clues are everywhere if you just bother looking for them, and these ones, these photos, they are pretty big clues.
I had to find a way to get there but the Committee didn’t want to hear about it at first, pretending that even if I was right and the place was indeed Canterlot, I couldn’t prove the journey would benefit the war. It’s only when I started talking about ancient and powerful weapons that their eyes glistened. There is indeed a solid possibility for the Elements of Harmony — magical artifacts able to destroy any foes as the old tales says — to be buried deep inside the ancient capital. If not, I’m sure there will be clues to point out where they remains.
If the stories are even remotely true, the war will end in a week. Nothing will withstand the power of the Elements. A single display of our new power will be enough. Peace will finally reign — no more meaningless deaths of our young unicorns, no more shattered families like mine — they will all kneel and a better future shall rise.
“Neigh Digger, The Bringer of Peace.” That title sounds good. The first pony to discover and explore the mythical Canterlot. I’ll be the new hero of the Public Relations Ministry. My face will be on every front page, wielding the Elements. That’s a sweet dream but I should probably wait to actually be there and find the artifacts.
Unfortunately, the Committee couldn’t afford to send an escort with me, with the war and everything. I don’t really care — in fact, I’d rather be alone because I won’t have to endure constant watch. I can take care of myself and it’s not like the trip could be dangerous. It’s only heaps of rubble and ruins, there is nothing to fear and, in any case, I know a spell or two to defend myself.
I should leave in two days. I can’t wait.
Monday, May 31st
The trip is uneventful but I guess I can’t really complain. I wish I could have take an aerostat but the ruins are too close to pegasus territory so I had to take the train. I guess I just have to sit and wait. It’s not like I have much else to do. At least, it gives me time to study the photos and to check, for the hundredth time, that my calculation of Canterlot’s location are still correct.
The more I look at these pictures and what they promise, the more I’m sure our world will change forever. These artifacts, the Elements of Harmony, their power go beyond what I can understand. Legends are fragmentary, but one sure thing is the fact they only activate if the bearer is worthy. I’m not sure how somepony proves oneself worthy of them but from what I understand, finding them is a big part of it. If I’m destined to find them, I hope I’m also destined to bear them. What if I’m not? Or worst, what if no pony is worthy? We’ll end up with inert artifacts, unable to use them. That would be ironic, but I shouldn’t delve too much on that part before getting them. One thing at a time, like my father always said. I’ll see what the future has in store.
On a side note, I’ve met a nice stallion on the train this afternoon. His name is Crittame, if I recall correctly. A bit of a daydreamer but a fascinating stallion. He knows a lot about fauna and we spent some time chatting about our respective area of expertise. He also told me he was going to the Ghostly Gorge to study the fauna. According to him, some ponies have seen wild griffins around. I don’t know what these country folks eat; there haven’t been a single griffon for centuries but the guy seemed convinced they existed. It was his third trip and he was sure it would be the one. I hope he won’t be too disappointed when he’ll find out it was only wild chimeras or baby manticores. I feel some pity for him, chasing ghosts of the past.
Last day, he asked me the reason for my trip. I didn’t know what I was allowed to say but I prefered to remain vague. I said I was going to study ancient ruins beyond the mountains. His reaction was to laugh, pretending that there was nothing except a dense wild forest, filled with dangerous wildlife. When I argued that I had solid evidences, he laughed harder. What he said next surprised me. “You must have pulled some pretty smart tricks to convince the Committee to pay up for your trip,” he said, before adding with a smirk “I myself told them griffins could reinforce our troops if we paid them enough.” I didn’t know what to answer at the moment. It seemed his claim was genuine, but I can’t help but think he’s a spy, sent to watch me and test my loyalty to the Committee. These doddery ponies can sleep tight; unless global peace is out of question, they have nothing to fear from me.
Anyway, I should arrive at the end of the line tomorrow. The train doesn’t go further away than Boggy Town and I’ll have to walk a few days before reaching the ruins. That’s fine, at least I would actually be doing something, even if it’s something as plain as walking.
Saturday, June 5th
I thought the journey would be hard but from now, it has been a stroll in the park. I have come across small unicorn villages on the way, where I have been able to restock my food and water supplies. I hope I won’t run low, I don’t want to have to eat grass right from the ground like a common earth pony.
I even had the chance to be accommodated several times by inhabitants. I was quite surprised the first time one of them suggested I rest at his home. I thought at first it hid something — I didn’t tell them I was sent by the Committee — but I’ve been proven wrong so far. This is not in Unicornia you could find such generosity. The more miserly Unicornians are, the better they feel. These country folks could teach them a thing or two to the inhabitants of the capital. It even allowed me to save from the budget the Committee gave me and they should be pleased to see I didn’t squander it all.
Yesterday, I think I saw something that shouldn’t be. I was entering another one of these small villages and several ponies quickly went inside, locking doors and curtains. While they clearly didn’t want to be seen by a stranger, I had still been able to glimpse their body. I’m almost certain some had wings and others didn’t have horns. If they are pegasi and earth ponies here, these folks are gonna have a bad time if the Committee ever hears about it. I was even tempted to keep walking to the next town. I didn’t want them to learn I was a government agent. Who knows what they would have done to me to keep their secret safe? However, they were as welcoming as in the other villages. If they knew, they didn’t mention it and accommodated me as if I was a long life member of their community. Somehow, I hope they won’t be discover. It’s not like they are a threat for Keratia, and if they are, they won’t be a problem once I’ll retrieve the Elements.
When I have talked about my destination to the couple who put me up for tonight, they had a strange reaction. At first, they kept an awkward silence but then, the mare try to dissuade me from going there. I have asked them several times why, if the place was more dangerous than what we know but they didn’t want to say anything.
Anyway, I’ll see it by myself. It’s getting late and I need to get up early if I want be at the ruin tomorrow evening.
Sunday, June 6th
I have been able to see the top of a stone tower this morning, probably the same which was on the aerial photographs, but I don’t think I will reach it today like I thought. As Crittame claimed, the forest is thick, it is hard to walk in a straight line. I think I also got lost all the morning, but I strangely ended in a wide clearing, right in the middle of the forest. The vegetation is sparse and I have noticed that it grows in very specific areas and seems to avoid others, making some paths very easy to walk.
It is only after I wander along these paths that I have noticed some oddly placed rocks. After a longer investigation, they appear to be the remainings of an old house. Searching for more, I found plenty of others. It looks like there was a small village here too, probably five or six centuries ago.
The only records I read about Canterlot talked about a small rural village, located near the ancient capital by the name of Ponytown or Ponyville. However, the tower I saw this morning is not as far as it is supposed to be, if the tower is indeed a tower of the royal palace. It shouldn’t be so close and I am sure I am at the right place, all my instruments point in that direction. If it’s Ponyville, there shouldn’t have been a castle. What does these country folks would have done with a castle?
Wherever I am, I’ll probably find some evidences tomorrow in the ruins. I have wasted enough time.
Monday, June 7th
I have spent a whole day inside the tower and nothing. Nothing indicates where I am, if it is Canterlot or that small village. Nothing but rocks, rocks and dust. I don’t know what was the purpose for this tower. Maybe it was some kind of military building but why would they build one in the middle of nowhere? Was this town a forward military post for a war that happened centuries ago?
The only thing vaguely interesting I could get from this rocks is that some of them have small crystal inclusions, which is odd because they don’t seem to have been set in the rock, but are rather a part of the rocks themselves. I’m not a geologist but it looks like the rock has fossilised into crystals or vice versa, which is impossible in these conditions. If it is the only thing I can report to the Committee, I can bid farewell to any future funding, without mentioning my career.
I am disappointed and I am feeling betrayed. This journey led to nothing and I have lost my time. I have invested my reputation and almost all my savings. I’m sure there is something hidden here — I didn’t become an archeologist without good intuition — but it’s not like I could stay much longer. The food is starting to run low and I need to report my discovery to the Committee. I give myself two days before leaving.
Tuesday, June 8th
Something interesting showed up today. I was studying the architecture of the tower when I tripped over a large wooden beam on the ground. It has revealed the entrance of a basement.
I spent half of the day clearing a passage. I thought at first that I would find a small room but it seems that there is a whole network of underground galleries. Unfortunately, they are all clogged, and it took me the other half of the day to clear one single room. I don’t know how many of these rooms I’ll be able to explore because there isn’t much food left. That should do it if I ration it, but I need to be careful.
For now, it seems my first assumption about the composition of the wall was close enough to the truth. All the walls were made of crystals. A geologist will be able to confirm my theory. The nature of the crystals reminds me of some relics I had the chance to see. Specialists claimed them to be from the Crystal Empire. It is said that this empire had the bad habit of disappearing and reappearing wherever it feels like. I really hope I’m not dealing with some remaining buildings from the Empire. I didn’t come here for that.
I also decided to settle the camp inside the tower. I don’t really know why, there isn’t any logical reason for that. The weather is mild so I don’t need to protect myself from the elements, and, next to the tower, there are some houses ruins that could serve the exact same purpose.
If I am honest with myself, I feel like being drawn by the tower, like if the tower is giving me hope. Sure, finding these galleries raised my confidence, but there is something odd about this place. It feels like unicorn magic but at the same time, it’s warm and invigorating. I noticed the new sensation halfway through while clearing the room. I have never been reluctant to do any labor, but this was a pretty big one. Normally, I would have given up before even starting by just seeing how much I would have to do, but this time, I was almost craving for working harder. I even felt some guilt when I took a break to eat.
I’m wondering if I have been away from civilization for too long or if there is actually something calling me underneath. Could that be the Elements? Or have I definitely gone crazy? Whatever it is, I’m too exhausted to think straight.
I’ll explore the room I have cleared tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 9th
This building was clearly not for military purpose, unless they used to add libraries. I found preserved bookshelves inside the room. I suppose it’s because they were made of crystals and haven’t been exposed to the outside.
More than bookshelves, I als found some books. Most of them are too damaged to be readable, even with a restoration spell but I found one I should be able to read. I still can’t say who was the author. The only clue I have is on the cover, five symbols forming a horseshoe around a six pointed star. I don’t know what it could mean but the most surprising thing is its content. The restoration spell is far from complete but I already have some readable fragments.
Dear ………..
My ….. is ... best friend ……..., .nd she……... to help anypony. The……..s, wh..….needs help ………………. accept it. So ….. friendship is ………………………... to friends, it……. about ………... friends ………. offer.
Your ……...dent,
Tw…S…l……..
Dear ……...,
Well, I ………………………...………… upset anymore……she'………………………...sisters do. ……………… get ... priorities so mixed up. We ………… special because …….. friends with ………. special. .e …….. forgot ……. reason ………………………... our friend. B……………………………... magic, things ... good ….... ……….. kind of magic…………………………......now …. I'm ……... good at ..e ….. kin. ……... glad ………... back to normal.
S.eet.. ..lle
These are the most readable for now but all of them seem to talk about friends or friendship. The word ‘magic’ is also repeated more than once. Maybe the journal belonged to a foal or a filly unicorn. However, several entries has been signed by different ponies. It doesn’t make any sense. At least, none that I can grasp at the moment.
Once more, I guess I’ll have to wait tomorrow for the spell to finish its work. I’ve depleted all my food stock, and any sane pony would have left by now. After all, my mission is a failure. I didn’t find what I was looking for and I don’t believe this journal could make up for it, but something is keeping me here. I don’t know if it’s because of the journal or if I’ve gone crazy, but this is bigger than everything I saw. In order to not starve, I have started eating grass and flowers around the tower. They are more than tasty and, even more surprising, I feel full of strength after eating them, more than I have ever felt. Logic would say this is unnatural, but I think this place and its strange magic gives me everything I need to survive. That shouldn’t be possible. It’s too late to go back anyway. I’ll see the bottom of the line, whatever are the consequences.
Thursday, June 10th
This journal is amazing. That shouldn’t be possible but the spell have fully restored the book. No one could say it was written centuries ago and all the entries are perfectly readable. This journal is definitely not one from a young pony. A powerful magic, probably the same magic that fills this place, must have protected it from the ravages of time.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Sometimes you can feel like what you have to offer is too little to make a difference, but today, I learned that everypony's contributions is important, no matter how small. If you just keep your head high, do your best and believe in yourself, anything can happen.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
They are all like this. Apparently, this Twilight Sparkle was a student of the mythical Celestia and studied friendship here in Ponyville. Moreover, she was friend with some pegasi and earth ponies. She had five very close friends, one unicorn named Rarity, two pegasi named Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash and two earth ponies named Applejack and Pinkie Pie. It doesn’t seem like it was uncommon back then. Every race lived among others in what is described as a perfect Harmony.
I know that every earth pony or pegasus is not bad. I had the occasion to work with an earth pony years ago; a brilliant mind, a very nice pony to be around, but he was a defector. Like the other defectors, he had adopted our way of living. Unless they all accept our way, I can’t imagine how this Harmony could work. Everyone being one and the same is the only logical conclusion to achieve unity, and yet, each of these six mares seemed to have walked their own path without harming their friendship. This was unthinkable for me not so long ago, but thanks to their records, I feel like I’m starting to glimpse the answer.
All the answers lie inside this book. I need to spend more time studying it. I have to.
Friday, July 2nd (probably)
I don’t know what to do. It has been three weeks or so since I discovered that journal, and I don’t know what to do with it. The harmony these six mares talk about seems so impossible to reach and yet so easy to understand at the same time.
The Committee probably considers that I am dead now. I should have been back to Unicornia for weeks but I couldn’t, this document could not only bring new informations about our past but it could also open a new era for Unicornia. No, not Unicornia. Equestria. If I give the journal to the Committee, they will probably destroy it. They might even consider me as a traitor and execute me. I have to find a way to bring this harmony to everypony. I can’t allow the journal to fall under their hooves.
...
Monday, Fructidor 1st
I watch the Sun rising above the horizon and it is not a promise for a brighter future anymore. This future is now a present. It doesn’t look like what I had imagined when my mind was clouded by the government’s propaganda. It is... better. A pegasi squadron just flew by, holding a giant banner “We are all ponies.”
For years, I have been slowly making contacts with members of the resistance of each nation. For years, I worked hard to gain their trust. For years, I have been hiding. It has been exhausting but it’s almost over. The treaty for the new Equestria has been signed this morning by the representatives of the three races, establishing the premises of a new era, an era cleared from war, intolerance and loneliness. An era where our foals will grow in peace, with a clear path before them, and devoid of any threat — a peace that didn’t need to be based on the promise of destruction but on friendship. The answer was something as simple and pure as friendship.
When I came back from the tower, crossing the village where I thought I saw ponies hiding, all the village was outside, blocking my path. They knew I had discovered something inside the ruins, but they didn’t know what I would do with it. They were ready to do anything to prevent me from endangering their community. Fortunately, I wasn’t a threat for them anymore. I showed them the journal and they instantly believed me. It is thanks to them I have been able to contact the resistance fighters from the other country. We started working together, printing the lessons of the journal, spreading the word of friendship, and slowly countering the destroying ideologies that have ruled ponies for far too long.
In the end, I wasn’t chosen to bear the Elements, like I thought. I don’t where they remain or if we’ll ever need their power. My destiny was to find the journal and bring its content to the world. And even with this last part, I wasn’t on my own. I couldn’t have done it alone. I knew this was bigger than a single, simple pony. My name wasn’t fated to be remember. No pony will remember my name, but as long as the names of Twilight Sparkle and her friends are remembered and cherished, the rest doesn’t matter. So I have one last lesson, a lesson I hope no one will ever forget.
Dear New Equestria,
It's hard to believe that two ponies that seem to have so little in common could ever get along. But if you embrace each other's differences, you just might be surprised to discover a way to be friends after all.
That’s a lesson I learned the hard way and yet, it had been taught to me by an extraordinary group of ponies, unfortunately long gone. We had forgotten their lessons, their teaching had been thrown to oblivion, but now we have the incredible chance to know them again. So I beg you, dear New Equestria, always remember what Twilight Sparkle and her friends, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash have taught us, for that we don’t repeat the sins of the past. That’s my last wish for this new country.
Your faithful servant,
Neigh Digger
Pics
Neat idea, but I think the execution ultimately falls a little flat for two core reasons:
1. The characterization of Neigh Digger is lacking. We're in first person perspective and he's really the only character we have, so you need to really sell me on sticking with him this whole time. Unfortunately, I really don't get much of an interesting character out of him. There's definitely potential, but I think you really need to sell it. This is the guy's journal on the expedition of a lifetime. Let's learn way more about him.
2. Mood. You approach it decently with the excavating ot the castle, but for the most part I really don't get a good sense of mood for the story. I feel like there should be a decisive, suffocating dread and facist oversight, but it really doesn't sink home. Just kinda feels like a dude with an annoying boss. Punch it up!
1. The characterization of Neigh Digger is lacking. We're in first person perspective and he's really the only character we have, so you need to really sell me on sticking with him this whole time. Unfortunately, I really don't get much of an interesting character out of him. There's definitely potential, but I think you really need to sell it. This is the guy's journal on the expedition of a lifetime. Let's learn way more about him.
2. Mood. You approach it decently with the excavating ot the castle, but for the most part I really don't get a good sense of mood for the story. I feel like there should be a decisive, suffocating dread and facist oversight, but it really doesn't sink home. Just kinda feels like a dude with an annoying boss. Punch it up!
Andrew articulated some things I couldn't quite put my finger on. By and large, I had fun reading this. I like dystopian future settings almost as much as I enjoy the ancient ones. You paint a picture of a re-segregated world with some 1984 levels of political paranoia, but never really drive the fear all the way home. When Digger stumbles on the mixed village, he just sort of brushes it off as a curiosity rather than the serious crime it ought to be. Granted, he's preoccupied, but still. Short story rounds are exactly the time to flesh out that sort of thing.
I did enjoy the girls saving the world in a most unorthodox manner, however. We haven't had letters in a long while, so the callback is really great.
I did enjoy the girls saving the world in a most unorthodox manner, however. We haven't had letters in a long while, so the callback is really great.
waitaminute, I just realized something.
>>AndrewRogue
j'accuse!
:-p
>>AndrewRogue
excavating ot the castle
ot the castle
ot
j'accuse!
:-p
Quite a few small technical mistakes/typos, and wrongly used words: "Aerostat" is a tethered/stationary balloon, typically for observation, so makes no sense for transportation. The place near Ponyville is "Ghastly Gorge" not "Ghostly," "griffons" not "griffins," etc. I suspect (and author, forgive me if I'm wrong) this may be from a non-native English speaker, as the errors all seem to be in strangely minor things and bizarre phrasing, while larger words and more complex sentence structures are handled correctly. That is, things more likely to have been studied or looked up are right, but "instinctual" things natives just pick up, pluralization in particular, are where most of the errors are. It's (mostly) all minor enough not enough to yank me out of the story though, which is good.
The narrator here talks to themself in an overly specific way, explaining the thoughts rather than just having them, and repeating a lot of the same thoughts over and over in only slightly varied ways. This could use a lot of trimming, as there are many possibilities to say the same things in much more interesting and concise ways.
Keratia (from keratin) is an interesting name for a unicorn place. Nice job with the word construction, author!
Using human dates is kind of odd. Not opposed to it, just noting that most fanfic makes up some form of Equestria-specific calendaring.
The technical problems get worse as the end of the story nears. I'm sure this was a rush for the deadline though.
So, finished now... let me say this: I feel there's a great core to this story that really resonates with the same heart that drew me to MLP in the first place. I actually teared up a bit as I read the last segment, as I could see what the author was going for as a message, and that message is spot on for what ponyfic can and should be. That said, the telling of the story needs a lot of work and polish to really shine.
Author: I can't rank this at the top of my slate, as you are up against some of the best writers in the fandom (that's always the case with write-offs) but I want to encourage you to keep writing. Practice and perseverance will absolutely improve the technical skill of your writing, and that's a journey you have to endure if you want to write, but you can't teach "heart," which this story has in abundance. Keep at it!!
The narrator here talks to themself in an overly specific way, explaining the thoughts rather than just having them, and repeating a lot of the same thoughts over and over in only slightly varied ways. This could use a lot of trimming, as there are many possibilities to say the same things in much more interesting and concise ways.
Keratia (from keratin) is an interesting name for a unicorn place. Nice job with the word construction, author!
Using human dates is kind of odd. Not opposed to it, just noting that most fanfic makes up some form of Equestria-specific calendaring.
The technical problems get worse as the end of the story nears. I'm sure this was a rush for the deadline though.
So, finished now... let me say this: I feel there's a great core to this story that really resonates with the same heart that drew me to MLP in the first place. I actually teared up a bit as I read the last segment, as I could see what the author was going for as a message, and that message is spot on for what ponyfic can and should be. That said, the telling of the story needs a lot of work and polish to really shine.
Author: I can't rank this at the top of my slate, as you are up against some of the best writers in the fandom (that's always the case with write-offs) but I want to encourage you to keep writing. Practice and perseverance will absolutely improve the technical skill of your writing, and that's a journey you have to endure if you want to write, but you can't teach "heart," which this story has in abundance. Keep at it!!
Same as the rest for me here. A fine story that makes the point it wants to make, but a bit clumsily.
What happened to the immortal, all powerful alicorns, though? Or Discord? Or Spike, and other dragons and long-lived creatures? Those are parts of MLP as well, rather important ones at that. The part I struggle with most here is simply the idea that Equestrian civilization could have fallen into this dystopian turmoil from a canon-ish start. It's nice to see it restored at the end, but the cheery mood is undermined for me by the troubling questions of how Equestria fell apart, and whether it might fall again.
Good use of the journal within a journal, though. I liked that section the most by far, analyzing the restored entries and specuiating on the society Twilight lived in. I could thoroughly enjoy reading an entire story focused on that! Thanks for writing!
What happened to the immortal, all powerful alicorns, though? Or Discord? Or Spike, and other dragons and long-lived creatures? Those are parts of MLP as well, rather important ones at that. The part I struggle with most here is simply the idea that Equestrian civilization could have fallen into this dystopian turmoil from a canon-ish start. It's nice to see it restored at the end, but the cheery mood is undermined for me by the troubling questions of how Equestria fell apart, and whether it might fall again.
Good use of the journal within a journal, though. I liked that section the most by far, analyzing the restored entries and specuiating on the society Twilight lived in. I could thoroughly enjoy reading an entire story focused on that! Thanks for writing!
Rather than repeat the points made above, I wanna say that the ending feels the most off to me. The jump from "everything is terrible oh no" to "and now we are all The Best Of Friends again!" is abrupt, and feels like a flimsy pay-off to the drama behind all this world-building. Suppose the story ended with the protag (whose name I don't get; is it a play on "Heidegger?") realizing how awesome things used to be, bemoaning how far things have fallen, and then resolving to bring back the Equestria of yore?
This is a story that takes place entirely within the head of one character, because of its journal format. Capitalize on that; let's see his mindset and his beliefs change as he's exposed to this old world.
Not a bad effort at all, mind you, author. A pretty engaging read, actually.
This is a story that takes place entirely within the head of one character, because of its journal format. Capitalize on that; let's see his mindset and his beliefs change as he's exposed to this old world.
Not a bad effort at all, mind you, author. A pretty engaging read, actually.
I keep sitting down to try to write this review and I keep getting pulled away, so out goes my normal format and I'll try to just rip through this.
(Is normal format good? No seriously, I'd be curious to know.)
First up, I should let the Author know that the resolution--despite being told as a telly and convenient quick-cut away from the action--moved me close to tears. Perhaps there's just something appealing about the thought that the power of friendship (as filtered through our favorite ponies’ experiences) could have such power to mend a deeply riven world. I want to believe. And IMO the story does well by making that its ultimate thrust. Good on you, Author; you have given us something to cheer for.
What holds this back for me is the lack of detail, especially about the world. There are bits and pieces about how things are… like I can recognize that the author was aiming at this with the little bits about the different Kinds hiding and such… but it never quite gels for me. The descriptions could be more… well, descriptive too. (I know, unhelpful critique is unhelpful, but it's what I got.)
I also have to poke at the quick-cut away before the end. I feel disconnected by the time jump and the new unexpected month name. Like I think it would be much stronger to show us the change as it's happening in the world.
Tier: Needs Work
(Is normal format good? No seriously, I'd be curious to know.)
First up, I should let the Author know that the resolution--despite being told as a telly and convenient quick-cut away from the action--moved me close to tears. Perhaps there's just something appealing about the thought that the power of friendship (as filtered through our favorite ponies’ experiences) could have such power to mend a deeply riven world. I want to believe. And IMO the story does well by making that its ultimate thrust. Good on you, Author; you have given us something to cheer for.
What holds this back for me is the lack of detail, especially about the world. There are bits and pieces about how things are… like I can recognize that the author was aiming at this with the little bits about the different Kinds hiding and such… but it never quite gels for me. The descriptions could be more… well, descriptive too. (I know, unhelpful critique is unhelpful, but it's what I got.)
I also have to poke at the quick-cut away before the end. I feel disconnected by the time jump and the new unexpected month name. Like I think it would be much stronger to show us the change as it's happening in the world.
Tier: Needs Work
First thing first, I need to talk about this hectic weekend of writing. If you’re not interested in reading my boring life, you can just skip to the reply section (I won’t hold a grudge against you, I promise).
Writing started Friday at 2pm and ended Monday at 2pm for me, but this weekend was special. Indeed, we were celebrating the 60th anniversary of my grandparents wedding. I knew I wouldn’t have much time to spend on crafting something deep and meaningful, but the idea of a pony rediscovering Friendship through The Friendship Journal sticked to me and didn’t left me.
So I started writing around 3pm, and stopped around 5pm, because it was time for me to go to my mother’s place. I had the core of my story, but I needed to rework and expand a lot of scenes. As it was, it only was a draft and nothing more. I told myself that I could write while going and coming back from the place where we were holding the party. I was a fool.
The rest of the evening was spent in chatting and waiting for my sister who was coming from Canada just for the weekend (Just so you know, I hadn’t seen her for a year). She arrived around 1am, and, of course, we kept talking for about one hour (so no time to write late in the night).
Next morning, we woke up at 6. We had 4 hours of driving ahead, and 4 hours is nice for writing, right? It is, if you’re not the driver. Exhausted by the time difference, my sister couldn’t drive and my mother couldn’t too, since she barely slept that night, thrilled at the idea of this wonderful weekend. So I ended up driving the whole way.
I’ll skip the details of the party. Just so you know, I had obviously not time to write during the whole weekend. During the trip back on Sunday, we switch driving with my mother halfway, but I slept the whole time, so still no writing.
We arrived late in the evening, and kept talking and talking. It’s only between 1am and 3am that I managed to write a bit, with a lot of exhaustion. While 3am rang on the clock, I knew there was still a lot of problems with my entry. I had aimed very high and the result was… average, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open and Morpheus was calling me in his embrace.
But, Fenton, you sure had the whole Monday, right? Of course not. My sister had a plane around midday, so once again, we waked up early, driving her to the airport, and waiting for her plane while trying to prolong for a bit the wonderful time we had. But every good thing comes to an end, and we said goodbye to my sister with a heavy heart, even though we knew we would meet her again in a few weeks, in Canada this time.
My mother dropped me at her workplace, which is fortunately near where I live. I hurried up to go home, just in time to read my entry one last time before submitting it at 1:50 pm.
And that’s it. I am still impressed that I’ve been able to write something decent with all these constraints. I am even more surprised that it has also resonated with some of you, so now it’s time to answer to each one of you.
Reply section
>>AndrewRogue
Your points are more than valid. Like I said, I didn't have much time to polish it and the two main problems you raised are things I will definitely working on before submitting it to FimFic.
Neigh Digger's personnality is indeed lacking. In my mind, his main trait is sarcasm but I know that there aren't enough sentences to show that. He is aware of the propaganda but he is also convinced that unicorn are the master race, since he was born and lived with this ideology his whole life.
As for the mood of the story, I couldn't agree more. Since my time was limited, I focused on the events and the progression in the discovery of the journal. I knew at the time that the atmosphere I wanted to create was poorly conveyed, but I had to make choices. Like I said, that's definitely one of the major point I'll rework.
As a side note, we talked in Discord about the fact that you felt your reviews lacked optimism and positivism. Even though you aren't really praising anything with this one, the points you've raised are very valuable. I struggle to improve my writing and having clues on what I need to work onto is very helpful. In a way and in fact, your review has optimism, because it encourages me to be better, and I wanted you to know that. So keep doing what you're doing (at least for me).
>>Rao
Like I said, lack of time didn't really help my entry to have a strong atmosphere. The part you mentionned about Neigh Digger finding pegasi and earth ponies in the village is a scene I had to keep short if I wanted to finish this in time. Originally, he was supposed to be disgusted by this fact, and to try to contact the Committee to report this "madness". And thanks to you, I now know that this scene is important for the story's atmosphere, so I will put extra efforts on this one.
>>Xepher
You were right when you claim that the author was not a native. Typos are more obvious coming from a non-native I suppose. As for "aerostat", that's what my dictionnary gave me as a translation for the French word "dirigeable". I didn't take the time to check if it was the right word, and unfortunately, airship was the right word.
I can understand the feeling. I tried very hard to not simply repeat the same things, and phrasing them in a different way. If you could kindly point where you think the repetition is too heavy, I would be grateful (I'll give a link to a Gdoc at the end of the retrospective)
Thanks to Monokeras who gave me the idea with his nickname.
I... Thank you. That means a lot. You teared up a bit at the last segment, and I was on the verge of crying when I read your review. I know that I have already improved from where I've started and I also know that I still have a long way ahead. But the fact the main idea of my story has somehow resonated with you, that's... very important to me. I'm glad the "heart" is here, even though the execution is sometimes clumsy, the fact that it is not enough clumsy anymore to overshadow the feeling I strive to convey, it's huge, and heartwarming. Thank you very much.
>>Ranmilia
I left these questions unresolved on purpose. My main focusing was restoring the Friendhsip, but I can understand how this unanswered questions can be jarring. I don't know how I will be able to tackle them when I rework this, but know that I'll spend time to think about it. And if you vere have an idea on the how, don't hesitate to say it (I'll give a link to my Gdoc at the end).
Stay tuned on the Writeoff group for when I'll add the new version (or simply follow me on FimFic :p)
>>Posh
I see why the ending feels like resolving everything in a blink of an eye. Like I said, time constraint didn't play in its favor. I will definitely capitalise on the fact this is a first person narration. As for the protganist's name, his name is Neigh Digger, a play around Lone Digger, the song by Caravan Palace. I wanted my pony to be an archeologist so the Digger part was obvious. The first part however, took me more time. I wanted it to express that his words are important. I don't know much about horses but usually, when animals produce sounds, it's because they have something really important to communicate (fear, lust, happiness...). So I ended up with Neigh.
And I'm glad that the story was engaging for you, despite the clumsiness.
>>CoffeeMinion
For this part, I will, more or less, repeat what I've said to >>Xepher. Thank you, thank you very much. I'm ecstatic that what I wanted to convey deeply resonated with you too. Neigh Digger's journey (and Twilight and her friends actions) is something I truly believe in. People's actions affect the world they live in, and even if the consequences can seem unimportant at the moment, their importance and their meaning exist for others, either it is now or later.
Lack of the details, as you guessed, is mainly due to time constraint and the hectic weekend I had. The expanded version will definitely have more details, and more work put into. And don't worry, your critique was helpful, even more helpful when pieced with the others.
As for the month name, it is based on the French Republican Calendar, created during the French Revolution. Since the names of the months are closer to the nature, Fructidor is the month when you can "harvest the fruits of your labor". There are other names related to things like blossoming that I will include while adding more entries about Neigh Digger fighting the Committee.
So, once again after a pretty long retrospective, I only have to deeply thank each one of you for your time and your comments. Even though some has moved me more than others, each one is very valuable and it reinforces my determination to improve my writing. I'm very glad that I've finally managed to convey the core idea of my story, all the more so as this time, this idea meant a lot for me. So thank you again. I wish good luck for those still in the competition and for the others, I wish them to keep being inspired to write, as it means that I will have more stories to read coming from you.
In the meantime, take care of yourselves and your folks.
PS: Here is the link for the Gdoc for those who are interested and have time to spend helping me.
Writing started Friday at 2pm and ended Monday at 2pm for me, but this weekend was special. Indeed, we were celebrating the 60th anniversary of my grandparents wedding. I knew I wouldn’t have much time to spend on crafting something deep and meaningful, but the idea of a pony rediscovering Friendship through The Friendship Journal sticked to me and didn’t left me.
So I started writing around 3pm, and stopped around 5pm, because it was time for me to go to my mother’s place. I had the core of my story, but I needed to rework and expand a lot of scenes. As it was, it only was a draft and nothing more. I told myself that I could write while going and coming back from the place where we were holding the party. I was a fool.
The rest of the evening was spent in chatting and waiting for my sister who was coming from Canada just for the weekend (Just so you know, I hadn’t seen her for a year). She arrived around 1am, and, of course, we kept talking for about one hour (so no time to write late in the night).
Next morning, we woke up at 6. We had 4 hours of driving ahead, and 4 hours is nice for writing, right? It is, if you’re not the driver. Exhausted by the time difference, my sister couldn’t drive and my mother couldn’t too, since she barely slept that night, thrilled at the idea of this wonderful weekend. So I ended up driving the whole way.
I’ll skip the details of the party. Just so you know, I had obviously not time to write during the whole weekend. During the trip back on Sunday, we switch driving with my mother halfway, but I slept the whole time, so still no writing.
We arrived late in the evening, and kept talking and talking. It’s only between 1am and 3am that I managed to write a bit, with a lot of exhaustion. While 3am rang on the clock, I knew there was still a lot of problems with my entry. I had aimed very high and the result was… average, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open and Morpheus was calling me in his embrace.
But, Fenton, you sure had the whole Monday, right? Of course not. My sister had a plane around midday, so once again, we waked up early, driving her to the airport, and waiting for her plane while trying to prolong for a bit the wonderful time we had. But every good thing comes to an end, and we said goodbye to my sister with a heavy heart, even though we knew we would meet her again in a few weeks, in Canada this time.
My mother dropped me at her workplace, which is fortunately near where I live. I hurried up to go home, just in time to read my entry one last time before submitting it at 1:50 pm.
And that’s it. I am still impressed that I’ve been able to write something decent with all these constraints. I am even more surprised that it has also resonated with some of you, so now it’s time to answer to each one of you.
Reply section
>>AndrewRogue
Your points are more than valid. Like I said, I didn't have much time to polish it and the two main problems you raised are things I will definitely working on before submitting it to FimFic.
Neigh Digger's personnality is indeed lacking. In my mind, his main trait is sarcasm but I know that there aren't enough sentences to show that. He is aware of the propaganda but he is also convinced that unicorn are the master race, since he was born and lived with this ideology his whole life.
As for the mood of the story, I couldn't agree more. Since my time was limited, I focused on the events and the progression in the discovery of the journal. I knew at the time that the atmosphere I wanted to create was poorly conveyed, but I had to make choices. Like I said, that's definitely one of the major point I'll rework.
As a side note, we talked in Discord about the fact that you felt your reviews lacked optimism and positivism. Even though you aren't really praising anything with this one, the points you've raised are very valuable. I struggle to improve my writing and having clues on what I need to work onto is very helpful. In a way and in fact, your review has optimism, because it encourages me to be better, and I wanted you to know that. So keep doing what you're doing (at least for me).
>>Rao
Like I said, lack of time didn't really help my entry to have a strong atmosphere. The part you mentionned about Neigh Digger finding pegasi and earth ponies in the village is a scene I had to keep short if I wanted to finish this in time. Originally, he was supposed to be disgusted by this fact, and to try to contact the Committee to report this "madness". And thanks to you, I now know that this scene is important for the story's atmosphere, so I will put extra efforts on this one.
>>Xepher
You were right when you claim that the author was not a native. Typos are more obvious coming from a non-native I suppose. As for "aerostat", that's what my dictionnary gave me as a translation for the French word "dirigeable". I didn't take the time to check if it was the right word, and unfortunately, airship was the right word.
The narrator here talks to themself in an overly specific way, explaining the thoughts rather than just having them, and repeating a lot of the same thoughts over and over in only slightly varied ways. This could use a lot of trimming, as there are many possibilities to say the same things in much more interesting and concise ways.
I can understand the feeling. I tried very hard to not simply repeat the same things, and phrasing them in a different way. If you could kindly point where you think the repetition is too heavy, I would be grateful (I'll give a link to a Gdoc at the end of the retrospective)
Keratia (from keratin) is an interesting name for a unicorn place. Nice job with the word construction, author!
Thanks to Monokeras who gave me the idea with his nickname.
I feel there's a great core to this story that really resonates with the same heart that drew me to MLP in the first place. I actually teared up a bit as I read the last segment, as I could see what the author was going for as a message, and that message is spot on for what ponyfic can and should be.
I want to encourage you to keep writing. Practice and perseverance will absolutely improve the technical skill of your writing, and that's a journey you have to endure if you want to write, but you can't teach "heart," which this story has in abundance. Keep at it!!
I... Thank you. That means a lot. You teared up a bit at the last segment, and I was on the verge of crying when I read your review. I know that I have already improved from where I've started and I also know that I still have a long way ahead. But the fact the main idea of my story has somehow resonated with you, that's... very important to me. I'm glad the "heart" is here, even though the execution is sometimes clumsy, the fact that it is not enough clumsy anymore to overshadow the feeling I strive to convey, it's huge, and heartwarming. Thank you very much.
>>Ranmilia
What happened to the immortal, all powerful alicorns, though? Or Discord? Or Spike, and other dragons and long-lived creatures? Those are parts of MLP as well, rather important ones at that. The part I struggle with most here is simply the idea that Equestrian civilization could have fallen into this dystopian turmoil from a canon-ish start. It's nice to see it restored at the end, but the cheery mood is undermined for me by the troubling questions of how Equestria fell apart, and whether it might fall again.
I left these questions unresolved on purpose. My main focusing was restoring the Friendhsip, but I can understand how this unanswered questions can be jarring. I don't know how I will be able to tackle them when I rework this, but know that I'll spend time to think about it. And if you vere have an idea on the how, don't hesitate to say it (I'll give a link to my Gdoc at the end).
Stay tuned on the Writeoff group for when I'll add the new version (or simply follow me on FimFic :p)
>>Posh
I see why the ending feels like resolving everything in a blink of an eye. Like I said, time constraint didn't play in its favor. I will definitely capitalise on the fact this is a first person narration. As for the protganist's name, his name is Neigh Digger, a play around Lone Digger, the song by Caravan Palace. I wanted my pony to be an archeologist so the Digger part was obvious. The first part however, took me more time. I wanted it to express that his words are important. I don't know much about horses but usually, when animals produce sounds, it's because they have something really important to communicate (fear, lust, happiness...). So I ended up with Neigh.
And I'm glad that the story was engaging for you, despite the clumsiness.
>>CoffeeMinion
First up, I should let the Author know that the resolution--despite being told as a telly and convenient quick-cut away from the action--moved me close to tears. Perhaps there's just something appealing about the thought that the power of friendship (as filtered through our favorite ponies’ experiences) could have such power to mend a deeply riven world. I want to believe. And IMO the story does well by making that its ultimate thrust. Good on you, Author; you have given us something to cheer for.
For this part, I will, more or less, repeat what I've said to >>Xepher. Thank you, thank you very much. I'm ecstatic that what I wanted to convey deeply resonated with you too. Neigh Digger's journey (and Twilight and her friends actions) is something I truly believe in. People's actions affect the world they live in, and even if the consequences can seem unimportant at the moment, their importance and their meaning exist for others, either it is now or later.
Lack of the details, as you guessed, is mainly due to time constraint and the hectic weekend I had. The expanded version will definitely have more details, and more work put into. And don't worry, your critique was helpful, even more helpful when pieced with the others.
As for the month name, it is based on the French Republican Calendar, created during the French Revolution. Since the names of the months are closer to the nature, Fructidor is the month when you can "harvest the fruits of your labor". There are other names related to things like blossoming that I will include while adding more entries about Neigh Digger fighting the Committee.
So, once again after a pretty long retrospective, I only have to deeply thank each one of you for your time and your comments. Even though some has moved me more than others, each one is very valuable and it reinforces my determination to improve my writing. I'm very glad that I've finally managed to convey the core idea of my story, all the more so as this time, this idea meant a lot for me. So thank you again. I wish good luck for those still in the competition and for the others, I wish them to keep being inspired to write, as it means that I will have more stories to read coming from you.
In the meantime, take care of yourselves and your folks.
PS: Here is the link for the Gdoc for those who are interested and have time to spend helping me.