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A fantastic portrayal of something utterly alien. Getting through the beginning was rough, as to be expected, but as the fic went on it got easier and easier to understand what was happening. Great job.
This goes atop my slate for now, above North. That doesn’t mean it is perfect, though. First, it needs a solid pass of edition, as there are many tiny mistakes (tense shifts, typos…) left.
Then it’s sometimes a bit confusing to follow it. There are many notions we’re introduced to, and especially the combat scenes are difficult to figure out because the characters are set in intricate situations that require a lot of description to be laid out, and all that mix together to lose the reader somewhat. I think you could’ve cut some passages, also. Make it a big tighter and packed. Clocking at 7,600, you’re well inside the limits, but some passages were a bit tedious to work through.
Both constantly refer to their legs with numbers, but I’ve no clue how the numbering works. What distinguishes leg #1 from #2?
Aside from that, the idea is nice, and the plot – even though it runs a well trodden and simple path, see, e.g. The Fox and the Hound – is executed well enough. It’s a definitely a good, enjoyable story, and that’s why it’s atop my slate for now.
Then it’s sometimes a bit confusing to follow it. There are many notions we’re introduced to, and especially the combat scenes are difficult to figure out because the characters are set in intricate situations that require a lot of description to be laid out, and all that mix together to lose the reader somewhat. I think you could’ve cut some passages, also. Make it a big tighter and packed. Clocking at 7,600, you’re well inside the limits, but some passages were a bit tedious to work through.
Both constantly refer to their legs with numbers, but I’ve no clue how the numbering works. What distinguishes leg #1 from #2?
Aside from that, the idea is nice, and the plot – even though it runs a well trodden and simple path, see, e.g. The Fox and the Hound – is executed well enough. It’s a definitely a good, enjoyable story, and that’s why it’s atop my slate for now.
Let's tackle the longest entry of this round.
First, I liked it, I liked it a lot, especially around the second third. The first third was a bit confusing since your setting and your characters are alien. It took me some time to understand what this was all about, but I must say that you gave enough informations to understand it. While it doesn't make the beginning very engaging, at least it clears most of the confusion in order to enjoy the rest more and I rather have it this way.
The characters and their interactions were great. I enjoyed seeing them interacting with subtlety. I would have liked to know their names earlier though (just a little detail).
I may be wrong but I'm pretty sure that this fic is a retake of the Nordic myth Yggdrasil and I loved that. While I'm not very familiar with this mythology, I've been able to see one or two references here and there (aside from the obvious name of the tree "Drasil").
The ending was great, with a call back to the beginning.
Side not:
More than 7.000 words were used to dwell on that point. Nice apophasis.
One of the main thing that hasn't been cleared though is the 'swimming'. Are they in water or something alike? Because I assumed they were flying but then the verb 'swim' pops up. I know that air is a fluid like water but usually, fly is used before swim.
Overall, this was great. You'll go up to the top, without a doubt. Thank you very much for your entry.
First, I liked it, I liked it a lot, especially around the second third. The first third was a bit confusing since your setting and your characters are alien. It took me some time to understand what this was all about, but I must say that you gave enough informations to understand it. While it doesn't make the beginning very engaging, at least it clears most of the confusion in order to enjoy the rest more and I rather have it this way.
The characters and their interactions were great. I enjoyed seeing them interacting with subtlety. I would have liked to know their names earlier though (just a little detail).
I may be wrong but I'm pretty sure that this fic is a retake of the Nordic myth Yggdrasil and I loved that. While I'm not very familiar with this mythology, I've been able to see one or two references here and there (aside from the obvious name of the tree "Drasil").
The ending was great, with a call back to the beginning.
Side not:
No point in dwelling on how I got here.
More than 7.000 words were used to dwell on that point. Nice apophasis.
One of the main thing that hasn't been cleared though is the 'swimming'. Are they in water or something alike? Because I assumed they were flying but then the verb 'swim' pops up. I know that air is a fluid like water but usually, fly is used before swim.
Overall, this was great. You'll go up to the top, without a doubt. Thank you very much for your entry.
Xenofic, huh. Well, I already covered one of those this round, and a lot of what I said there holds true for this piece as well: >>Ranmilia
What I'm looking for out of xenofic, in exchange for the confusion of trying to figure everything out, is the expression of ideas that couldn't be done with human characters. To its credit, this piece delivers with the concept of the multi-limbic brains and struggles with the titular harmony. I liked seeing that, and would have loved to see even more of it! As is, it feels a little underutilized. The clan feud overshadows it as a source of conflict, and the lack of harmony has only trivial effects on Rustmoss, and a major effect on Cobweb only once. But I'm GLaD to see the subject space be tested at all, if you get my drift.
In the exact same fashion as The Long Down, I never did get a good concrete physical idea of these beings or their environment. It reads like they're in caves, but they aren't on the ground so... floating islands, or what? What are these "worldtree" things, does this sort of drift happen often? Not vitally important, but not knowing did hurt my enjoyment of the early parts.
The adventure narrative is serviceable, but drags from being too long and too verbose. The whole piece could use a good strong editing axe to chop away, oh, 3-4k words in total, from everywhere. Work on keeping your outline distinct, hit the important beats and go on. Cut every sentence that isn't absolutely vital. As a starting example, Cobweb's italicized sections can probably all be cut and replaced by a very early setup that clans are important, and a few, more impactful sentences in the climax where she explains to Rustmoss that her own disharmony led her to hide her clan and so on.
Overall a solid effort. I can't say there were any parts that particularly wowed me, but nor did I note serious flaws other than the pacing, length and xenoconfusion. Thanks for writing, author! Rein in the doorstopper tendency some (all too common, and I feel you on it) and you'll be putting out some great stuff!
What I'm looking for out of xenofic, in exchange for the confusion of trying to figure everything out, is the expression of ideas that couldn't be done with human characters. To its credit, this piece delivers with the concept of the multi-limbic brains and struggles with the titular harmony. I liked seeing that, and would have loved to see even more of it! As is, it feels a little underutilized. The clan feud overshadows it as a source of conflict, and the lack of harmony has only trivial effects on Rustmoss, and a major effect on Cobweb only once. But I'm GLaD to see the subject space be tested at all, if you get my drift.
In the exact same fashion as The Long Down, I never did get a good concrete physical idea of these beings or their environment. It reads like they're in caves, but they aren't on the ground so... floating islands, or what? What are these "worldtree" things, does this sort of drift happen often? Not vitally important, but not knowing did hurt my enjoyment of the early parts.
The adventure narrative is serviceable, but drags from being too long and too verbose. The whole piece could use a good strong editing axe to chop away, oh, 3-4k words in total, from everywhere. Work on keeping your outline distinct, hit the important beats and go on. Cut every sentence that isn't absolutely vital. As a starting example, Cobweb's italicized sections can probably all be cut and replaced by a very early setup that clans are important, and a few, more impactful sentences in the climax where she explains to Rustmoss that her own disharmony led her to hide her clan and so on.
Overall a solid effort. I can't say there were any parts that particularly wowed me, but nor did I note serious flaws other than the pacing, length and xenoconfusion. Thanks for writing, author! Rein in the doorstopper tendency some (all too common, and I feel you on it) and you'll be putting out some great stuff!
Ooh, xenofiction! Again!
And this time it's the longest, most complex story of the round. And it uses that size well. I've complained before about stories feeling incomplete. This doesn't. It gives us a proper intro, a set of character and plot issues, and resolves them together.
On the other hand, perhaps the problem is inverted. We leap so quickly into the story that the beginning itself feels a little threadbare. We're dunked head first into this strange world without warning, and the plot starts to run away with us before we can get our bearings. There are a few handholds here and there, but they don't seem quite enough.
For creativity, I'm not sure whether I'm satisfied or not. The world is fun. Aliens with collective minds, tentacles and pincers, an inaccessible ground, giant trees with glowing beetles living in them. And yet all of this comes with a slightly saccharine “we're not so different” plot. It reads well enough, yes, but I wouldn't have objected to something a bit meatier, a bit more centred around what makes these guys genuinely alien.
And this time it's the longest, most complex story of the round. And it uses that size well. I've complained before about stories feeling incomplete. This doesn't. It gives us a proper intro, a set of character and plot issues, and resolves them together.
On the other hand, perhaps the problem is inverted. We leap so quickly into the story that the beginning itself feels a little threadbare. We're dunked head first into this strange world without warning, and the plot starts to run away with us before we can get our bearings. There are a few handholds here and there, but they don't seem quite enough.
For creativity, I'm not sure whether I'm satisfied or not. The world is fun. Aliens with collective minds, tentacles and pincers, an inaccessible ground, giant trees with glowing beetles living in them. And yet all of this comes with a slightly saccharine “we're not so different” plot. It reads well enough, yes, but I wouldn't have objected to something a bit meatier, a bit more centred around what makes these guys genuinely alien.
So I read this the other day, and while I liked it in large part, I was struggling to figure out what to say about it. The setting is so alien, and yet the characters have a surprising amount of relatability. Then >>Scramblers and Shadows came along and said some things that I can pretty much just get behind. So thank you for that!
I didn't know about Xenofiction before this, so thank you for that as well.
Also, I kept having intrusive thoughts about Pantera's song "Use My Third Arm" while reading this. ^^
I didn't know about Xenofiction before this, so thank you for that as well.
Also, I kept having intrusive thoughts about Pantera's song "Use My Third Arm" while reading this. ^^
Okay, let's lead with the biggest issue, which is that this story is really hard to get a grasp on because it is completely alien. Like, completely. I have a very hard time picturing what is going on, because there is little familiar here. Near as I can make out, this takes place in the sky with floating trees or the like, and out aliens are balls with arms, eyespots, and multiple pincers on the arms. Further, for all that this ends up being about a big clan dispute, we actually know very little about the alien culture.
The core conceit (the multi-identity stuff) seems to be fairly underused, really. The arms occasionally argue with each other, and that's it for most of the story. Which... is a bit confusing, because I'm not actually sure who -I- is in this story. Is it Rustmoss and the 7 arms? Is Rustmoss one of the arms? Is Rustmoss the amalgamation of the 7 arms? Etc. We get a more exciting use of it near the end, but that's about it. For something that I expected to be the heart of the story, it really doesn't do much.
The actual conflict... I also kind of struggle with. Our clans are enemies, but I will let this go for now. Oh no, but now we must fight. Nevermind. Oh my clan is here and you are dead. RIP you. The pathos is actually pretty mellow, which is sort of further enhanced by how mellow and in harmony the missing bits are with their really unlucky demise. (Also, why can Rustmoss be recognized on sight by the warriors?)
In a lot of ways, this is pretty similar to Under the Forest Rise the Stairs in that I feel there are some neat ideas and neat things presented here, but the story itself really lacks a mood to sell them to me, if that makes sense. I come out of this story not really feeling anything. There were cool (if under explored) ideas and some potential brain fodder in imagining some of the scenes, but I never really invest in the adventure because... I'm not really given a good idea of what it is. A harrowing journey where unlikely companions bond and form a tragically doomed friendship? Or a fairly easy but long trip where they bond? Or something fairly doable but tense because of the secrets they conceal from each other?
The core conceit (the multi-identity stuff) seems to be fairly underused, really. The arms occasionally argue with each other, and that's it for most of the story. Which... is a bit confusing, because I'm not actually sure who -I- is in this story. Is it Rustmoss and the 7 arms? Is Rustmoss one of the arms? Is Rustmoss the amalgamation of the 7 arms? Etc. We get a more exciting use of it near the end, but that's about it. For something that I expected to be the heart of the story, it really doesn't do much.
The actual conflict... I also kind of struggle with. Our clans are enemies, but I will let this go for now. Oh no, but now we must fight. Nevermind. Oh my clan is here and you are dead. RIP you. The pathos is actually pretty mellow, which is sort of further enhanced by how mellow and in harmony the missing bits are with their really unlucky demise. (Also, why can Rustmoss be recognized on sight by the warriors?)
In a lot of ways, this is pretty similar to Under the Forest Rise the Stairs in that I feel there are some neat ideas and neat things presented here, but the story itself really lacks a mood to sell them to me, if that makes sense. I come out of this story not really feeling anything. There were cool (if under explored) ideas and some potential brain fodder in imagining some of the scenes, but I never really invest in the adventure because... I'm not really given a good idea of what it is. A harrowing journey where unlikely companions bond and form a tragically doomed friendship? Or a fairly easy but long trip where they bond? Or something fairly doable but tense because of the secrets they conceal from each other?
What up, my writeoff droogs. And congratulations to horizon and Aragon!
So, a lot of you found this pretty opaque. I don't blame you, and I guess some explanations are in order:
The environment for this one is, in fact, not Jupiter, but a planet resembling Venus. That's why Rustmoss can fall to the ground. Just below the sulphuric haze layer, the pressure is about 10atm, and the temperature about 200 degrees. The ecology here is based on sulphuric acid -- which is why the characters drink vitriol and can be burnt by water.
As for the aliens themselves: Picture something between a starfish and an octopus.
>>Fenton
Why do I say swim rather than fly? This was a tricky choice. I didn't want to use fly, because that implies a dynamic lift -- you need to actively kick air downwards to fly. I didn't want to imply that. And since these creature are neutrally buoyand, and kick air backwards to move, "swim" seemed a more fitting verb.
And yeah, Drasil is a reference to Yggdrasil. But, honestly? It wasn't a clever reference or anything like that. I just needed a name, and I didn't want to cram in nonsense syllables.
>>AndrewRogue
Balls? I don't recall mentioning balls. Everything else, though, is pretty accurate.
>>Ranmilia
The trees float, and they are hollow.
Also, I'm guess for the capitalisation that GLaD is a reference to Portal, but I've never played it, so I can't really say much about that.
>>RB
>>Monokeras
>>CoffeeMinion
Not sure I have any specific comments for you guys -- but thank you for the support!
So, a lot of you found this pretty opaque. I don't blame you, and I guess some explanations are in order:
The environment for this one is, in fact, not Jupiter, but a planet resembling Venus. That's why Rustmoss can fall to the ground. Just below the sulphuric haze layer, the pressure is about 10atm, and the temperature about 200 degrees. The ecology here is based on sulphuric acid -- which is why the characters drink vitriol and can be burnt by water.
As for the aliens themselves: Picture something between a starfish and an octopus.
>>Fenton
Why do I say swim rather than fly? This was a tricky choice. I didn't want to use fly, because that implies a dynamic lift -- you need to actively kick air downwards to fly. I didn't want to imply that. And since these creature are neutrally buoyand, and kick air backwards to move, "swim" seemed a more fitting verb.
And yeah, Drasil is a reference to Yggdrasil. But, honestly? It wasn't a clever reference or anything like that. I just needed a name, and I didn't want to cram in nonsense syllables.
>>AndrewRogue
Near as I can make out, this takes place in the sky with floating trees or the like, and out aliens are balls with arms, eyespots, and multiple pincers on the arms.
Balls? I don't recall mentioning balls. Everything else, though, is pretty accurate.
>>Ranmilia
It reads like they're in caves, but they aren't on the ground so... floating islands, or what? What are these "worldtree" things, does this sort of drift happen often?
The trees float, and they are hollow.
Also, I'm guess for the capitalisation that GLaD is a reference to Portal, but I've never played it, so I can't really say much about that.
>>RB
>>Monokeras
>>CoffeeMinion
Not sure I have any specific comments for you guys -- but thank you for the support!