Hey! It looks like you're new here. You might want to check out the introduction.

One Shot · Original Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
Show rules for this event
Elevator
“Hold the door!”

I look up from my phone. A young man in a collared shirt and clip-on tie comes running across the lobby toward the elevator. I quickly hit the door open button, and he almost slams against the back when he dashes in.

“Thanks,” he wheezes. I smile politely at him, then return to my phone.

The elevator resumes its climb.

A moment later, I notice that he doesn't hit any floor buttons. The young man brings it up first. “Kaufmann & Kaufmann?” he asks between huffs.

I don’t look up from the email I am typing. “Mhm,” I reply. But he already knows--Kaufmann & Kaufmann is the only office on the forty-second floor.

A short silence, which he then breaks.

“So, uh, what brings you there today?”

The sound of clicks as I tap on my phone screen. “Work, as it always does.”

“Heh, same here.” Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him tug at his tie. “Well, hopefully, at least. I’m applying for an internship there.”

That catches my attention. I put my phone into my purse. “Oh?”

Now I have a proper look at him. His hair is brown, well brushed. He holds a folded blazer over one arm and a folio in the same hand. Fitting slacks held up with a brandless belt. New shoes, but tinged with mud underneath. He’s in his early twenties, looking like a schoolkid--if not by his youth, then by his optimism.

“What’s your name?” I ask.

“Josh.” He extends a hand. “Nice to meet you, Ms....”

“Please, call me Miranda.”

We shake hands, and he seems to have caught his breath now.

“Internship, hm? What school are you from?”

“University of Washington,” he says. “Second year, looking to get my J.D. next year.”

“A Husky, then? What brings you all the way to San Francisco?”

“Work, as it always does.” He smiles. “I was Computer Science in undergrad, you see--I interned at a startup on Market Street for two summers.”

It seems to be an increasingly common trend these days--science majors go for a law degree to try to become patent lawyers. Some do it for the money, others for prestige. But law graduates have twice the average unemployment rate, and unless you’re from the big-name schools, you’re better off working at a startup.

“So why law?” I ask. “It sounds like you had a good thing going on as a programmer.”

He shrugs. “When I first went into C.S., I had big dreams. I wanted to build the next Google, or Facebook, or even Zynga. But then I quickly realized just how little impact I had--babysit this database, write that login page, monitor our product for whatever’s making our cloud stuff so expensive to keep running. It just wasn’t for me.”

“So you decided to go into patent law.”

“It’s a growing industry, and I figured arguments here would have more impact than how a button looks on devices of different sizes. And the technical details are still intact--that’s what makes it different from, say, bird law, doesn’t it?”

He shuffles about and puts his blazer back on.

“Guess this is a story you’ve heard many times, isn’t it?” he asks.

“It’s also a reference that I’ve heard enough times to ban from the office. Nevertheless, I’m intrigued.”

“Huh?”

The elevator dings as we reach our destination.

“I’m Miranda Kaufmann, partner here at Kaufmann & Kaufmann.” Now I’m smiling. “And a bit of advice: you may want to look just a little more into who leads a firm before the interview lest you run into them. Good luck.” We walk through the door to the office, and Josh is led to a conference room somewhere.

Optimism can be nice, sometimes. I walk toward my own office and get back to my email.
« Prev   12   Next »
#1 ·
·
Quintessential elevator pitch? Huh. This works alright as a character piece, but drama/conflict wise, it's very mild. And even as a character piece, it's basically just the one guy; we get very little form the viewpoint character. I didn't even know she was a woman until the purse line, and that was a good ways into the story. Nice work, but sort of lightweight.
#2 ·
·
I deeply apologise, author, for what I'm about to say.

I don't know what to do with this story. I didn't like it and I didn't dislike it. Reading it was pleasant but I didn't get anything from it.

The dialogs were good, biting for the poor Josh and I smiled a little at his misfortune. Can it really called a misfortune though? It doesn't seem like it will harm his chances to join this company.

I really don't know what else I could say, this story didn't really give me much.
#3 · 5
· · >>TitaniumDragon >>Monokeras
There's some lovely tidbits of life in some of these descriptions.

A young man in a collared shirt and clip-on tie

Screw the collared shirt. I don't care about his collared shirt. Tell me more about this clip on tie. I want to hear about the guileless idiot who thinks he's getting an internship at a law firm while wearing a clip on tie.

New shoes, but tinged with mud underneath.

Everything in this paragraph is fine but bland until this line. He's got mud on his new shoes. That's much more interesting to me than brushed hair and generic slacks. What sort of mud has this pencil pushing freak been dumpster diving in? He's trying to look professional, but the whole damn world rained on him to show Kaufman & Kaufman the truth, and the truth is he's a mud stained shoe begging for elevator holds. Tell me about it.

looking like a schoolkid--if not by his youth, then by his optimism

Bitter. Cynical. Ageist. I love it.

“When I first went into C.S., I had big dreams. I wanted to build the next Google, or Facebook, or even Zynga. But then I quickly realized just how little impact I had--babysit this database, write that login page, monitor our product for whatever’s making our cloud stuff so expensive to keep running. It just wasn’t for me.”

“So you decided to go into patent law.”

“It’s a growing industry, and I figured arguments here would have more impact than how a button looks on devices of different sizes. And the technical details are still intact--that’s what makes it different from, say, bird law, doesn’t it?”

All right. Cool. But who cares? This is pretty good fodder for an interview, but the reader isn't in a position to hire him onto anything other than a good story. This matters. I'm certain this matters, but I can't tell a lick why. This dude's hocking his whole life. Sell me on it. Am I supposed to be rooting for him? Do I like him? I don't know.

“I’m Miranda Kaufmann, partner here at Kaufmann & Kaufmann.” Now I’m smiling. “And a bit of advice: you may want to look just a little more into who leads a firm before the interview lest you run into them. Good luck.” We walk through the door to the office, and Josh is led to a conference room somewhere.

Eh, I don't know. A twist like this would make sort of a funny story to tell at the next family reunion, but you've only got seven hundred fifty words to change my life, and this isn't doing it. All in all, this story feels lukewarm and I don't know what it wants from me. Does it want me to laugh? Maybe a couple explosions next time. Maybe cut the wire and let the elevator drop down the shaft. Maybe Kaufman is his long lost mother and Kaufman is his great granddaughter time traveling from outer space.
#4 ·
·
I'm with >>HoofBitingActionOverload here. Listen to him, he's smart.
#5 ·
·
>>HoofBitingActionOverload
Welcome back HBAO. We’ve missed you.
#6 ·
· · >>MrExtra
Good comments from HBAO and others already. I concur, this story is technically fine but doesn't have much life to it.

The main reason I can pin that on is that Josh might as well be talking to a wall. Miranda's completely impassive, makes no comments and passes no judgment, save a tiny sliver of ambivalence at the concept of optimism. Is she impressed? Unimpressed? She notices all these details about his clothing and demeanor, but which ones matter to her, and how? I don't know. Even at the end, I can't tell if she's shooting Josh down or gently tweaking and rooting for him. It could be either.

That ambiguity is a problem, since the pitch is the whole story. The "twist" isn't really one, it was so obvious from the instant Josh said he was applying for a position that I assumed I was meant to pick up on it.

Overall a very nice skeleton, technically well written, but the lack of judgment leaves it feeling like it lacks a conflict and conclusion. This'll probably wind up below average in my votes, but is closer to a high tier piece than that implies. Don't be afraid to have your piece take a stance! Thanks for writing!
#7 ·
·
I can hardly do anything else than piling on. I imagined the women would take that young pup down one peg or two, but that never actually happened. I was expecting an ending like “Okay guy, you know what? Press the ground floor button and fuck off.” but instead we got milk-and-water lines that lead nowhere. So it just doesn’t end, or rather, it fizzles out.

Otherwise, thanks for this insight of the awesome world of American law firms.
#8 · 3
·
I have to agree with the others. This needs more to it than an ending that pushes Josh nowhere. Giving Miranda an opinion and then pushing her in towards that opinion would be better.

Given that she said "Optimism can be nice, sometimes." it seems that she likes him. Make that obvious. Have her give him some tangential advice out of the blue like: "Did you know that Larry likes to pick out his ties? Not many people notice." Then, instead of Josh being 'led to a conference room', he is met by a man when he gets off the elevator who says "Right on time. You must be Josh, I'm Larry. Follow me."

I'm also not really fond of the "I'm the boss" reveal because, like >>Ranmilia, I saw this coming from the moment he said Interview. So instead of the twist I think it better to have her walk into her office labeled Miranda Kaufmann and let the reader be like "Ah-Ha!" rather than beat them over the head with it. Maybe sit her down at the desk and have her check the 'Intern applying today' email. Wrap it all up together.


I get that this is probably the completed scene in your head, otherwise you wouldn't be sitting at 640 words, but try to leave us with impact, you have the room. I believe that stories should always be as a wave: with rises and falls in tension, drama, and pacing. If those waves are too small then the reader has a hard time noticing them.
#9 ·
·
This is one of those stories that I feel like I want to classify as a vignette rather than a story. There really isn't much of a plot arc here and it is very much an encounter between two people. Very little is gained from first person here, and I almost wonder if this wouldn't be better in 3rd cinematic or something.

That said, technicals are also super solid here.