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Vaccine
Panacea Vaccine Approved!
After two years of successful clinical trials, the FDA has finally approved the Panacea vaccine for production. With a single injection this marvel of modern bio-engineering provides blanket immunity against a variety of common illnesses and diseases, including 98% of cancers. The vaccine works by….
The newspaper made a dull thud as it landed, headline up, on the restaurant table between the four friends.
“This is a disaster!” The thrower groaned, dropping down into his chair. His outburst earned him a few quick glances from the other customers, but none of their eyes lingered. If asked to comment on the quartet the other diners would only be able to give the vaguest of descriptions.
A middle aged man. Sweaty and sickly looking. Unwell.
“Aw, come on Pest. Sure, it’s a major blow, but it’s not that bad.” The man beside him placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. The limb was so emaciated that it was barely felt.
Thin. Very thin. Practically skin and bones. Poor boy needs to eat more,
“Easy for you to say, Fam! You’re not facing obsolescence!” he growled.
“Now now, take it easy Pest. We’re all here to help, aren’t we gentlemen? We’re all in this together. Brothers in arms and whatnot.” The deep, commanding baritone cut through the argument.
Tall. Martial. Ice cold blue eyes, framed by cheekbones as sharp as swords.
“ALL THINGS END EVENTUALLY.” The voice was low and deep, filled with reverb. “EVEN YOU THREE.”
… Nope. Nothing there to talk about. Boy this food sure is delicious!
“Gee, thanks Death. That was really uplifting and everything.” Pestilence groused. “Can’t you like, I don’t know, kill this whole Panacea thing for me?” He asked hopefully.
“I WORK WITH PEOPLE, NOT IDEAS I’M AFRAID. AND KILLING ENOUGH PEOPLE TO STOP THIS WOULD BE MORE OF WAR’S VENUE THAN MINE.” Death replied, nodding towards his companion.
“Regrettably, I can not assist you with this.” He shook his head sadly. “It pains me to admit, but humanity has grown too skilled at war these days. Combat on that scale would leave none alive to carry your illnesses.”
“Well, I’m always here for you buddy.” Famine patted his shoulder again feebly. “We’ll handle this together. We’re a great team after all! Remember that potato blight? Good times, right?”
“Yeah. Good times.“ Pestilence smiled fondly at the memory. “And starvation makes people so wonderfully vulnerable to illness.”
The smile soon faded however. “Oh, who are we kidding. Let’s be honest, Famine. You’re just a few decades behind me at this rate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous Pestilence! As long as there are people, they’ll be people going hungry!”
“Hmph. You say that now, but face facts. Humanity is already producing more food than it needs. These days the only place you’re getting by is in Africa. And that’s only because of all those squabbling warlords. Thanks for that, by the way.” He nodded toward War.
“My pleasure.”
“Well, yeah, but… but… Population grows exponentially, and food production linearly! They’ll start starving again eventually right?” Famine insisted nervously.
”Give it up Famine. I told you 200 years ago that that Malthus guy’s preaching was too good to be true.”
Famine just sighed and slumped in his chair.
“HAVE YOU CONSIDERED REBRANDING?” Death asked. “I HEAR POLLUTION IS ALL THE RAGE THESE DAYS.”
“Bah. That might have worked half a century ago.” Pestilence waved dismissively. “For all they whine and complain these days, nobody is dying from smog inhalation and rivers hardly ever catch fire anymore. Those Greenies are even worse than Big Pharma!”
“How about computer viruses? Maybe you could work with those?” Famine offered.
“Sure. And maybe War can survive off the War on Drugs and the War on Poverty!” Pestilence practically shouted the last, as War flinched.
Silence reigned for a few moments following the outburst. Then Pestilence sighed in defeat.
“It’s just not fair.” He grumbled. “We’ve been here since the beginning, and now look at us. We’re pathetic. I’m being cured. Famine is facing food surpluses. War is afraid to start a fight. Even the Big D is going to be in trouble eventually.”
“I AM ETERNAL.” Death sounded a tad smug.
“Yeah, well, ‘with strange aeons even Death may die.’”
“LOVECRAFT WAS A HACK.” He grumbled.
The silence that followed lingered until the waitress deposited the bill. At which point it deepened. Eventually War sighed and reached to pay the check. Again.
“So, same time next week guys?”
Solid comedy throughout the whole story, never running dry and always adding something new.
I wish to be that optimistic and I usually disregard that kind of speech but here, delevired by the four Apocalypse Horsemen, it worked perfectly and I laughed more than once.
Very good job.
I expected some quotes from the Bible, not from Lovecraft but it works even better.
Small nitpick
I didn't know that guy. A quick search gave me the answer and normally, I wouldn't point it out in a longer story but since it's a very short one and every words count, consider not making references to things that readers won't know. (I might be just dumb though)
I wish to be that optimistic and I usually disregard that kind of speech but here, delevired by the four Apocalypse Horsemen, it worked perfectly and I laughed more than once.
Very good job.
‘with strange aeons even Death may die.’
I expected some quotes from the Bible, not from Lovecraft but it works even better.
Small nitpick
that Malthus guy’s preaching
I didn't know that guy. A quick search gave me the answer and normally, I wouldn't point it out in a longer story but since it's a very short one and every words count, consider not making references to things that readers won't know. (I might be just dumb though)
This is very Pratchett-esque, and that's totally not a bad thing. I think that 'this is a disaster!' line is a much better hook than the vaccine headlline; switching their positions might be more attention grabbing. The concept was strong and some of the jokes were great, but it just kinda… ends, without really resolving much of anything. Decent open, strong middle, weak end.
Also, I had a pretty good idea who Malthus was, but don't take me as representative. I know all sorts of weird and obscure things, and miss tons of totally common and obvious stuff.
Also, I had a pretty good idea who Malthus was, but don't take me as representative. I know all sorts of weird and obscure things, and miss tons of totally common and obvious stuff.
The idea is nice, and the execution is well done. Watch your punctuation, though, because it is really unorthodox.
Why are all Death’s lines in cap? Is it supposed to yell? Wouldn’t that catch the attention of the other diners?
Also they’re all male?
I agree with Hat there. We wished there was something more out of this unusual encounter, but instead, all we get is a reconvening schedule, which leaves us unsatisfied. The conflict :P is clearly laid out, but not resolved. I’d say, the lack of resolution kills the whole story.
Why are all Death’s lines in cap? Is it supposed to yell? Wouldn’t that catch the attention of the other diners?
Also they’re all male?
I agree with Hat there. We wished there was something more out of this unusual encounter, but instead, all we get is a reconvening schedule, which leaves us unsatisfied. The conflict :P is clearly laid out, but not resolved. I’d say, the lack of resolution kills the whole story.
Normally when stories consider a medical advancement capable of eliminating most or all illnesses, the plot focuses on how human society changes in response. Old sources of conflict vanish, and new, unpredictable ones appear in their place.
Vaccine strikes a different route, though I’m not sure what insight it’s aiming to provide. Envisioning the Four Horsemen as middle-aged Joes griping over coffee is interesting, but they’re hardly compelling as characters. Who could be sympathetic to them, after all? The comedy elements simply missed with me -- once you get over the central conceit (the Four Horsemen are just ordinary people, like you and me!) there's not much left.
I did like some of the little asides, though: the description of Death, and War paying the bill (again).
Overall: An interesting idea for a story, but without much meat on its bones. I’m left with little to ponder when it’s over.
Vaccine strikes a different route, though I’m not sure what insight it’s aiming to provide. Envisioning the Four Horsemen as middle-aged Joes griping over coffee is interesting, but they’re hardly compelling as characters. Who could be sympathetic to them, after all? The comedy elements simply missed with me -- once you get over the central conceit (the Four Horsemen are just ordinary people, like you and me!) there's not much left.
I did like some of the little asides, though: the description of Death, and War paying the bill (again).
Overall: An interesting idea for a story, but without much meat on its bones. I’m left with little to ponder when it’s over.
Echoing the above. This isn't much of a story, just a snip built off a couple of conceits. There's no tension, conflict or resolution, and I didn't find much to laugh at either. Pleasant to read, nice prose and formatting, but lacking in substance.
Actually, making it so pleasant to read works against it in a few places. I was very interested in what solution they'd come up with to Panacea... but they didn't come up with anything. I was very interested in what Death's description would be... but there wasn't one. There are Pratchett caps, but not Pratchett jokes.
And hey, speaking of Pratchett, doesn't Good Omens have a "Four Horsemen hang out and complain" scene very much like this one? But with Pollution having replaced Pestilence, exactly as an answer to the dilemma presented in this snip?
Overall it feels like a bit of a filler or completion's sake entry: have a couple of concepts, write some entertaining character banter and call it a day. Certainly not terrible, I expect to see several like this in mini rounds, but doesn't go anywhere or do enough for me to place it too highly in rankings. Thanks for writing, though!
Actually, making it so pleasant to read works against it in a few places. I was very interested in what solution they'd come up with to Panacea... but they didn't come up with anything. I was very interested in what Death's description would be... but there wasn't one. There are Pratchett caps, but not Pratchett jokes.
And hey, speaking of Pratchett, doesn't Good Omens have a "Four Horsemen hang out and complain" scene very much like this one? But with Pollution having replaced Pestilence, exactly as an answer to the dilemma presented in this snip?
Overall it feels like a bit of a filler or completion's sake entry: have a couple of concepts, write some entertaining character banter and call it a day. Certainly not terrible, I expect to see several like this in mini rounds, but doesn't go anywhere or do enough for me to place it too highly in rankings. Thanks for writing, though!
Echoing the above re: structure and content.
Want to add, I feel this story falls into the trap of over describing character voice and action. Basically (literally) every piece of dialogue has some sort of said/whatever'd tag on it, and most of them are honestly unnecessary. Dialogue should, generally, speak for itself (ho ho ho). For example...
The added tag is redundant information. You've structured the dialogue physically in a way that already conveys that information, as does the flow of the conversation. Trust yourself! Save intervention tags for meaningful movements/gestures or to clear up confusion on which character is speaking.
Want to add, I feel this story falls into the trap of over describing character voice and action. Basically (literally) every piece of dialogue has some sort of said/whatever'd tag on it, and most of them are honestly unnecessary. Dialogue should, generally, speak for itself (ho ho ho). For example...
“Well, yeah, but… but… Population grows exponentially, and food production linearly! They’ll start starving again eventually right?” Famine insisted nervously.
The added tag is redundant information. You've structured the dialogue physically in a way that already conveys that information, as does the flow of the conversation. Trust yourself! Save intervention tags for meaningful movements/gestures or to clear up confusion on which character is speaking.
I see someone is a fan of Pratchett, what with those caps for Death and all that. I was half-thinking this was a Good Omens fanfic at the start.
I'm pretty much with >>Cold in Gardez
I'm pretty much with >>Cold in Gardez
I liked the read, kept me engaged and had me laughing. Not as interesting the second go round, but whatever.
Honestly my biggest gripe was the vocabulary used by the characters: they sounded like a bunch of collage dudes, rather than harbingers of the end. Death speech especially struck me as too run-of-the-mill, with the full caps dialogue I expected something more ominous. Especially with the "Lovecraft was a hack" line the context seemed to be saying it was almost mumbled, but the text suggests it was pounded into the skulls of those around him telepathically- at the volume of a nuke.
Honestly my biggest gripe was the vocabulary used by the characters: they sounded like a bunch of collage dudes, rather than harbingers of the end. Death speech especially struck me as too run-of-the-mill, with the full caps dialogue I expected something more ominous. Especially with the "Lovecraft was a hack" line the context seemed to be saying it was almost mumbled, but the text suggests it was pounded into the skulls of those around him telepathically- at the volume of a nuke.