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Fun! · Original Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
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The Memory of Pie
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#1 · 2
· · >>Baal Bunny
Nobody's going to contribute reviews?

It's a good idea for your first sentence to have a fair amount of focus so it's only trying to communicate one clear image. There is an acronym you sometimes see for what kinds of things a first sentence ought to contain: SADS. That stands for setting, action, dialogue, statement. It's possible to do all 4, but you normally want to focus on 1 or 2 of those and let any of the others that appear be fleeting. You're doing all 4, but it lingers on them all quite a bit, that by the end of it, I'm not sure which of those pieces you want to stick in my head most. It's rare that rambly first sentences work that well, and I think this one's trying to do too much.

It's not until your third paragraph that it's apparent who holds the perspective. Once I do know, it's not that the first two don't work from Rose's viewpoint. It's just that I can't tell it's hers until then. The first is pretty neutral. The second sounds more like it's Charnikov, since it talks to what he likes about her. That's information he'd readily have, but I don't know enough about her yet to judge whether she'd know it. I think it'd help if you made it clearer in paragraph 1 who's going to hold the viewpoint.

At least, she assumed that's what he'd done.

Authors routinely use "that's" as past tense, but it isn't. There are a couple of other typos I see, but you'll no doubt catch them yourself.

I can't help but hear Charnikov's dialogue in King of Demons' voice from The Owl House.

Interesting choice to name the cat after a bird's body part.

There's no doubt who wrote this, as it has your usual whimsical look at a mix of adorable and unsavory characters. It's as cute as I would have expected.
#2 · 1
· · >>Baal Bunny
Thanks for taking my images and weaving this charming little tale from them!
#3 ·
·
>>Pascoite
>>GroaningGreyAgony

Thanks, folks!

My other writing group said they'd like a little more at the end, too, so I'll sharpen up the top and the bottom and see if I can't get someone to give me some money for it!

Mike