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One Shot, One Heart
The sun was rising behind my back. A slight wind was coming from the north east. No weather to speak of. I took a deep breath as I looked at the park two miles away. In a few minutes my target would appear for his morning jog—the perfect window of opportunity for me to snipe him.
Worst birthday ever. Eighteen and my dad suddenly decided to retire, leaving me to uphold the family tradition. No questions, no consideration I had a life of my own, finals, or a boyfriend. Just a quick "Happy birthday, Vol, here's my gear. You're in charge now."
In the distance, William A. entered the park. He was wearing a tasteless yellow jogging suit—vintage if you asked him, horrible if you asked anyone else—making his way to the bench. There he'd stop for about a minute to catch his breath before moving on. Poor guy had the misfortune of being my first target. The mother of a classmate of his had made the claim: fifty thousand cash, all after the deed was done. And of course, my father had only bothered to tell me an hour ago.
One shot, one heart. The family motto went. Of course, no one considered I wasn't a good shot. Sure, I could hit a target or two, but was nowhere as good as dad. "No pressure, sweetie," he had said while giving me the envelope. "Whatever happens, you're still my girl."
William stopped. He glanced at his watch, to check his jogging stats I'm sure, then sat on the bench. The perfect moment. I held my breath. My arm moved on its own, pulling the string "gently but firmly" back. For a single instant my mind went blank, all questions and morals cast away. Then I released my arrow. There was no sound as it split the air. Traveling faster than a sniper bullet it hit my target in the chest, piercing his heart.
William stood up. Resting time was over. Tapping something into his watch, he continued his jog. Thirty minutes from now he'd take a different route to get home, bumping into a friend from class. That friend will become the love of his life. With luck and under the right circumstances they might even have a wonderful life together. It was never a certainty when using single arrows. My client either was too stingy or wanted to give her daughter a way out. Not my problem.
I put the bow in its case, then rushed for the staircase. I had an hour to get to class. As I went down I took my mobile and dialed my father.
"Vol?" He picked up on the first ring. "Any problems?"
"No problems, Dad." I removed the hairnet from my head.
"That's my girl! Your mother and I are so very proud. How do you feel?"
"Honestly? Quite shitty, plus I think I'll be late for class!"
"That's good," he laughed. "I'll make sure your next job is after your finals."
"So considerate of you." I frowned. Of course, he'd conveniently forget that I never asked for this. "Be a good girl now. And good luck in class." He hung up.
Typical. I slid the phone in my pocket then went to the nearest elevator. Hopefully at school at least I'd be treated like a normal person. I'd heard that a few friends had organized a surprise party for me this evening. Nothing my father wouldn't approve, but at least it was something.
One shot, one heart, I thought as the elevator door slid aside. Not the way I pictured my time in college. Money was good, but I definitely was going to suffer during finals. I'd had to double my efforts, cut down in my parting a bit...maybe. Or not. I looked at my bow casing. Dad's legacy came with some perks. After all, only an idiot would have Cupid's bow and not take advantage from time to time; and I was my father's daughter.
Worst birthday ever. Eighteen and my dad suddenly decided to retire, leaving me to uphold the family tradition. No questions, no consideration I had a life of my own, finals, or a boyfriend. Just a quick "Happy birthday, Vol, here's my gear. You're in charge now."
In the distance, William A. entered the park. He was wearing a tasteless yellow jogging suit—vintage if you asked him, horrible if you asked anyone else—making his way to the bench. There he'd stop for about a minute to catch his breath before moving on. Poor guy had the misfortune of being my first target. The mother of a classmate of his had made the claim: fifty thousand cash, all after the deed was done. And of course, my father had only bothered to tell me an hour ago.
One shot, one heart. The family motto went. Of course, no one considered I wasn't a good shot. Sure, I could hit a target or two, but was nowhere as good as dad. "No pressure, sweetie," he had said while giving me the envelope. "Whatever happens, you're still my girl."
William stopped. He glanced at his watch, to check his jogging stats I'm sure, then sat on the bench. The perfect moment. I held my breath. My arm moved on its own, pulling the string "gently but firmly" back. For a single instant my mind went blank, all questions and morals cast away. Then I released my arrow. There was no sound as it split the air. Traveling faster than a sniper bullet it hit my target in the chest, piercing his heart.
William stood up. Resting time was over. Tapping something into his watch, he continued his jog. Thirty minutes from now he'd take a different route to get home, bumping into a friend from class. That friend will become the love of his life. With luck and under the right circumstances they might even have a wonderful life together. It was never a certainty when using single arrows. My client either was too stingy or wanted to give her daughter a way out. Not my problem.
I put the bow in its case, then rushed for the staircase. I had an hour to get to class. As I went down I took my mobile and dialed my father.
"Vol?" He picked up on the first ring. "Any problems?"
"No problems, Dad." I removed the hairnet from my head.
"That's my girl! Your mother and I are so very proud. How do you feel?"
"Honestly? Quite shitty, plus I think I'll be late for class!"
"That's good," he laughed. "I'll make sure your next job is after your finals."
"So considerate of you." I frowned. Of course, he'd conveniently forget that I never asked for this. "Be a good girl now. And good luck in class." He hung up.
Typical. I slid the phone in my pocket then went to the nearest elevator. Hopefully at school at least I'd be treated like a normal person. I'd heard that a few friends had organized a surprise party for me this evening. Nothing my father wouldn't approve, but at least it was something.
One shot, one heart, I thought as the elevator door slid aside. Not the way I pictured my time in college. Money was good, but I definitely was going to suffer during finals. I'd had to double my efforts, cut down in my parting a bit...maybe. Or not. I looked at my bow casing. Dad's legacy came with some perks. After all, only an idiot would have Cupid's bow and not take advantage from time to time; and I was my father's daughter.
I was relieved that this wasn't the story of a sniper. Good job, you took me by surprise.
A cute and funny little story.
Small nitpick.
A bit awkaward here for me. Think about putting some commas or change the place of some words.
A cute and funny little story.
Small nitpick.
Hopefully at school at least I'd be treated like a normal person.
A bit awkaward here for me. Think about putting some commas or change the place of some words.
Interesting worldbuilding. I'm not sure about the for-money aspect here. (I'm alright with mind-control, but not paid for mind control...?) Still, it didn't totally ruin things for me. I think there's a lot of mileage to be gotten out of a bitter, sarcastic Cupid who criticizes your fashion choices and isn't a very good shot. That being said, this is really very light on the conflict; it feels like a 'here's a neat idea' story, without going any deeper than that. If you make a longer story out of this, let me know.
Let's start with a new round of amateurs doing stuff despite knowing better, AKA me doing reviews.
Usual premise: while I try to be helpful and give useful criticism, I'm not offended if my opinion is discarded without a second thought.
There will be some spoilers in the review, but that's what the tags are for.
The bait and switch was interesting and worked quite well. It was a nice play on the expected tropes of the genre. So, congratulations on that.
I also agree with >>Not_A_Hat that a sassy Cupid who inherited the family business is an excellent idea and a character that can give a lot.
I'm actually fine with the idea of the family getting paid for what they do. Offerings to deities to get their favor are nothing new, and we live in a modern world were some cash may be more enticing than burning a goat leg.
The writing is nice, and the story, while not being exceptional, is a pleasant read that made me smile.
The ending needs a bit tightening, as it is a bit too long after the turning point and the last paragraph is a bit weak after the rest of the story.
To summarize it, nice story, good writing, a solid entry that still needs a bit of work. Thank you for having written it.
Usual premise: while I try to be helpful and give useful criticism, I'm not offended if my opinion is discarded without a second thought.
There will be some spoilers in the review, but that's what the tags are for.
The bait and switch was interesting and worked quite well. It was a nice play on the expected tropes of the genre. So, congratulations on that.
I also agree with >>Not_A_Hat that a sassy Cupid who inherited the family business is an excellent idea and a character that can give a lot.
I'm actually fine with the idea of the family getting paid for what they do. Offerings to deities to get their favor are nothing new, and we live in a modern world were some cash may be more enticing than burning a goat leg.
The writing is nice, and the story, while not being exceptional, is a pleasant read that made me smile.
The ending needs a bit tightening, as it is a bit too long after the turning point and the last paragraph is a bit weak after the rest of the story.
To summarize it, nice story, good writing, a solid entry that still needs a bit of work. Thank you for having written it.
This is the second cupid story I saw this writeoff, which amuses me.
I liked this better than the other; I got more of a sense of the character of the shooter, but it still kept up the subversion of what the story was really about.
This really feels more like the start of something than a "whole piece", but it works as a stand-alone piece decently enough.
Though as a stand-alone piece without anything else, I half-feel like the ending of the story should have had her run into the target in the elevator at the end of it and realize that what she'd done had backfired.
I liked this better than the other; I got more of a sense of the character of the shooter, but it still kept up the subversion of what the story was really about.
This really feels more like the start of something than a "whole piece", but it works as a stand-alone piece decently enough.
Though as a stand-alone piece without anything else, I half-feel like the ending of the story should have had her run into the target in the elevator at the end of it and realize that what she'd done had backfired.
Oh, huh, I just read another one of these. Well, I'll say the same thing here, stop relying so much on the twist. A story is more than a single subversion of expectation. Cutie Cupid Junior trying to slingshot pot shots of lust around town while still making time for school and a boyfriend is an interesting enough story on its own. Tell it. Why do so many write off authors try so desperately to hide their stories? If you've got a cool idea, slap me upside the head with it, force it down my throat. Don't strap it up in a demure dress and blush and run back upstairs when I tell you I'm interested.
>>HoofBitingActionOverload
HBAO, are you game to be the podcast’s special guest? That'd be worth it!
HBAO, are you game to be the podcast’s special guest? That'd be worth it!
666 words? Nice. Though I wonder if 690 might've been more fitting for the subject at hand?
Aaaaaactually, though, the real meat of what we have here is only ~400 words, if that much. Several of the entries I've read so far have underexplained and been unclear about even the basics of what was going on. This has the opposite issue: tons of unnecessary fluff, overexplaining, and repetition.
Everything after "Not my problem." can safely be cut, in my book. And a fair amount before that too. Keep it simple and sweet, and centered on the sniping scene. After the twist is revealed and the scene is resolved, it's done. We already learned about Vol's age, basic life archetype and family situation, there's no need to rehash it, and it takes away from the climax of shooting William if the story goes on too much longer. Work on your economy of detail, think about what every sentence and paragraph is saying and how it fits into your structure. Find more flavor or interesting things to put in that aren't repetitious!
With that out of the way - lovely work. Good concept, good storyboard, well suited for a mini, no other major flaws I can shake a finger at. The idea is perhaps a bit low hanging. I hear there are quite a few snipers and sniper subversions, and even another Cupid, but this does put a nice spin on it rather than just a vanilla Cupid Sniper. Vol is reasonably expressive, and her mindset conveys itself to me well. I'm intrigued enough to buy in and would read more if this was cleaned up and made the start of a longer work!
As to placement, hmm. Probably around the mid/high tier border for me. In a fuzzy semi-objective cloud placement, I'd be surprised if this didn't make the cut out of prelims, but also kinda surprised if it medaled. Depends on how many other strong entries there are. Good stuff, authorperson. Thanks for writing!
Aaaaaactually, though, the real meat of what we have here is only ~400 words, if that much. Several of the entries I've read so far have underexplained and been unclear about even the basics of what was going on. This has the opposite issue: tons of unnecessary fluff, overexplaining, and repetition.
Everything after "Not my problem." can safely be cut, in my book. And a fair amount before that too. Keep it simple and sweet, and centered on the sniping scene. After the twist is revealed and the scene is resolved, it's done. We already learned about Vol's age, basic life archetype and family situation, there's no need to rehash it, and it takes away from the climax of shooting William if the story goes on too much longer. Work on your economy of detail, think about what every sentence and paragraph is saying and how it fits into your structure. Find more flavor or interesting things to put in that aren't repetitious!
With that out of the way - lovely work. Good concept, good storyboard, well suited for a mini, no other major flaws I can shake a finger at. The idea is perhaps a bit low hanging. I hear there are quite a few snipers and sniper subversions, and even another Cupid, but this does put a nice spin on it rather than just a vanilla Cupid Sniper. Vol is reasonably expressive, and her mindset conveys itself to me well. I'm intrigued enough to buy in and would read more if this was cleaned up and made the start of a longer work!
As to placement, hmm. Probably around the mid/high tier border for me. In a fuzzy semi-objective cloud placement, I'd be surprised if this didn't make the cut out of prelims, but also kinda surprised if it medaled. Depends on how many other strong entries there are. Good stuff, authorperson. Thanks for writing!
I'm on the verge of passing out, so my thoughts in brief are that, compared to the other cupid story, this has slightly worse technicals, but slightly better content. The core conflict is more engaging and the characters are better realized, for all that the actual quality of the prose is a bit of a step down (I can maybe point to some examples later if you ask).
That said, I think I every so slightly favor this one in direct comparison.
That said, I think I every so slightly favor this one in direct comparison.
It's a good story, well put together with good characters, but the whole thing felt kind of... mellow. I never really felt much tension. The highs and the lows were all pretty much in the same ballpark and so it felt like I drifted through this piece. I wasn't worried for her safety, or that she'd be discovered, or that anything bad was likely to happen. She wandered though this story and the dirt never seemed to cling to her cloths.
The actual shot happened so quickly and painlessly that I had to wonder if she was really that bad or if the bow came with an 'aim assist' feature that rendered her skill moot. Shooting something the size of a heart with a bow is hard from twenty yards if you're 'not that good'. If she's staying hidden and shooting I assume that she's much further away. She got it in one. Either way, I call either hacks or far more credit than she's giving herself.
Still, the malaise wore on me a bit. If things carry on in the same way as before, where she's complaining about stuff but doesn't seem to be actually struggling with anything, I'm apt to get bored and read something else despite the quality of the writing.
The actual shot happened so quickly and painlessly that I had to wonder if she was really that bad or if the bow came with an 'aim assist' feature that rendered her skill moot. Shooting something the size of a heart with a bow is hard from twenty yards if you're 'not that good'. If she's staying hidden and shooting I assume that she's much further away. She got it in one. Either way, I call either hacks or far more credit than she's giving herself.
Still, the malaise wore on me a bit. If things carry on in the same way as before, where she's complaining about stuff but doesn't seem to be actually struggling with anything, I'm apt to get bored and read something else despite the quality of the writing.