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* Princess Not Included · FiM Minific ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 400–750
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The Wrong Side of History
"Why wasn't I attacked yet? I deserve it too!"

Twilight felt petulant and was sure that, for once, she had every right to be it. Around her Royal Guards were securing entrances to the ballroom, searching for more attackers, comforting the traumatized, scraping pies from the wall and generally ran around in mild panic.

Celestia stepped to her side and put a wing on her back. "Why would you want to be involved? This is no laughing matter."

"Indeed it is not. It is an insult, that is what it is." Luna raised one of the pies the perpetrator hadn't had time to us and examined it closely. "I remember quite well in the old times. Assassins had manners and good taste back then and used daggers. That was proper fun, not"—she catapulted the pie at the wall scattering screaming guards—"this."

"Luna, we talked about the meaning of the word fun, you are misusing it again."

"I am certainly not." Luna grabbed a guard passing by under one foreleg and made a grand swiping gesture with the other. "I would walk through the palace, an assassin would jump out of the shadows and stab me, the blade would break, I would laugh, he would laugh, I would throw him through the nearest window." She sighed and smiled, the guard squeaked. "They knew how to do those things. It was fun."

Twilight stared at Luna, then looked up to Celestia who shook her head mouthing Don't encourage her. She looked at the panicking guard in the iron grip of the night Princess and decided that it would be another entry for her already overflowed mental Don't Ask folder.

"Misguided ideas of my dear sister aside, as I was saying, this is nothing fun or desirable. I can't see why you want to be involved in this whole situation." Celestia stepped to one of the sobbing guards hit by a stray shot of whipping cream and cleaned his muzzle with a napkin.

"It's... You have been attacked five times this year alone, Cadance dodged two pies last month and Shining Armor fought them at his birthday. Even Flurry Heart got a cupcake, and she can't really do much more than drool and destroy ancient artifacts of power. I had my crown for a while now, I fought ancient horrors and brokered truces. I am a Princess too, I want ponies to understand that. I deserve an attempt at my position like everypony else."

"But this is not some kind of validation of your role, Twilight. Look, Luna hasn't been attacked too."

Twilight glanced over to Celestia's sister who was making stabbing motions and laughing in front of two covering guards. She really wasn't sure when Luna had grabbed the second one, but it seemed that the budget for psychologists would have to be expanded. Again.

She muttered under her breath, "That kind of drives my point home."

Celestia turned to her ex-pupil and asked, "What?"

"Nothing. Say, why exactly are there ponies throwing pies at royalty while screaming Gloup! Gloup!?"

"The Internationale Pâtissière and I go a long way back." Celestia sighed. "It began with an argument about the appropriate amount of vanilla ice cream near a piece of apple strudel and then things went out of hoof. I made some remark on the futility of the whole argument and how they were wasting my time and they swore vendetta until I would apologize. That was three hundred and sixty-five years ago."

"Wait, how does that involve Cadance?"

"Things became more complex with time. It evolved, among other things, to a stance against 'arrogance and telling ponies how to do their jobs'. They hit Chrysalis too."

"So, if you apologize for that remark, then it's over?"

Celestia stood straight,iron in her voice, her mane ablaze. "I don't negotiate with pastry-terrorists."

Twilight stomped and said, "Well, this is ridiculous. I will put an end to this farce."

She scooped a large glob of whipped cream and held it over the pie crust. She hesitated. How could it come to that? Why had Twilight, no, Princess Twilight took a stance? Why had it to be the wrong one? They had had so much hope for her. She could have been the Princess on the right side of history.

There was no other way now. With a decisive gesture, the whipped cream landed in the crust and Ms. Cake took another scoop. A tear ran down her cheek as she whispered "Gloup Gloup."
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#1 · 2
· · >>Orbiting_kettle
I enjoy your interactions here between Celestia and Luna, and Twilight between them; they feel like old siblings who know each other quite well, yet still the same regality of their show selves. I do also like the touch of Luna comparing the 'pastry terrorists' to the assassins of old. Yet it seems almost like the tone takes a major shift for the goofy halfway through, and I'm left just confused enough by the ending that I feel like... maybe some revision is needed. There's definitely the start of something good here, though; I just think you need to focus that.
#2 · 2
· · >>Orbiting_kettle
I agree with Pastoral. The concept is fun, the jokes made me smile, and you've got some definite potential here. But, this needs editing. There's a lot of points where it slightly belabors the point, or just barely misses the comedic timing, and that throws the whole things off. But, they aren't major flaws. I'd love to read a cleaned up version of this.

#3 · 1
· · >>Orbiting_kettle
Genre: Absurdist dramedy

Thoughts: Okay, so first of all, this made me burst out laughing twice, which speaks to the well-executed absurdity up in here. I like Luna's background about the way things used to be, as well as Twilight's petulance about the way things are.

Now for the buts: While this comes very close to being complete as a story, there are two things holding it back from realizing that completeness, and the impact of that near-miss ends up feeling greater than it would if the story wasn't doing such an otherwise successful job of being its ridiculous self. Both things relate to the assailant at the end. The first point needing clarity is the assertion that Twilight chose a side; without any other context, I don't have a sense of what this means for the bigger struggle (such as it is), and why it motivates the assailant as it does; this is a case where the absurdity of the situation would be better served by providing more detail, not less. The other point is the assailant's tagline, which is suitably random, but which crosses the line into not making any sense at all.

My only other nitpick is that this needs a minor spelling/grammar pass, but that doesn't unduly detract from what's going on here.

Tier: Almost There
#4 · 1
· · >>Orbiting_kettle
Others have harped enough on the proofreading that I’m limiting myself to this sentence. Beyond that, this is some great stuff, wonderfully absurd yet fully in keeping with Equestria as we know it. Luna’s fond reminiscing and Celestia’s unshakable conviction are both excellent, as is Twilight’s indignation. Please do polish this; Fimfiction will eat it up.
#5 ·
· · >>Orbiting_kettle
Unlike others, I do no harp on proofreading, spelling, or typos! I am above such things! (That, and people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. And should probably take showers in their basements...)

Anyway, this was.. Strange. And amussing. Gloup Gloup? Does this have a meaning that is passing over my head? Still, it made me laugh several times. As far as crack-fics, this one was pretty good. I love Twilight's displeasure at being left out... Though I wasn't clear if she was upset because she felt this meant that ponies don't see her as a real princess, or if they're upset because she felt this meant ponies see her as 'As worryingly crazy as Luna.'

And Luna... Here at least, she is clearly Best Princess. Cherish those memories of simpler times, Luna. Cherish them. ;>
#6 · 1
· · >>Orbiting_kettle
I don't get it. It's making use of that pie warfare gag from Over a Barrel, so it's inherently going to be a goofball story, but it's also coming across as semi-serious. That just won't do when pie assassins are involved. In other words, I don't think this is zany enough.
#7 ·
· · >>Orbiting_kettle
I don't know who wouldn't want free surprise pie delivery, honestly.

While I enjoyed the wackiness in this one, it does have some problems. It really seems to meander; the first line starts things off and hooks fairly well, I think, but then it dives into asides with Luna and sorta... loses the thread of the narrative for a while, until it eventually returns and finishes things off.

This is weird to say, but even as a minific it feels kinda... padded?

Still, the absurdity is entertaining. I'm curious about Pinkie Pie's involvement, though.
#8 ·
· · >>Orbiting_kettle
The Wrong Side of History — A — First Impression: Classic Pony Pie Fights. +1 point. (+) Once again, an alternative side of the world where assassination attempts are carried out by pie is a wonderful thing, and those princesses who think of getting between the warring factions are going to get creamed (sorry again) (-) It just seems to lose a little with the reveal and not seem to hold together without possibly a little more ice cream and some chocolate topping.
#9 · 5
· · >>CoffeeMinion
I cheated (in a certain sense) a bit on this story, in that a part of it was inspired by real events.

Anyway, the Internationale pâtissière is an anarco-surrealist group inspired by Noël "l'Entarteur" Godin and which uses cream-pies as a form of political protest, thrown while screaming "Gloup Gloup" and being as ridiculous as possible. Transposing them to Equestria and making them a "serious" threat there was something that I had to do sooner or later, and the prompt was perfect for that.

I wasn't really satisfied with the result. While the core of the story practically wrote itself, the version I submitted had some problems as the reviewers pointed out. The ending is probalby the most problematic part, but once eliminated the word-limit I should be able to fix it. Still, it performed better than I hoped, and I will certainly rework it and try to publish it on fimfiction, even if I will need an editor for that. Anyone wanting to help?

I love the term Absurdist-dramedy and will shamelessly steal it.

>>Pastoral >>GaPJaxie >>FanOfMostEverything >>TheCyanRecluse >>Waterpear >>Not_A_Hat >>georg
Thank you for your time and your reviews. They helped quite a lot and it's always a pleasure to have one's work examined and dissected :pinkiehappy:
#10 ·
I am utterly derping in my attempt to locate you on FimFiction, and my free time is limited, but I'd be up for helping a bit.