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Crossing
"Where are we?"
Twilight stared at the door in front of her. It was shining in brightly that she can't really stare at it for that long. Everything around her, along with the floor was black, dotted with star-like lights. She can't see the floor she's stepping on, there probably isn't one. But for some reason she stayed afloat.
They'd been here for a while now. Minutes? An hour? Twilight couldn't remember.
"What is this place?" Fluttershy asked in a timid voice. "Everything is so, dark"
Rarity looked around, with the same confusion in her face. "Well, the last thing I remember is us battling with Grogar, then suddenly, we're here! Twilight darlin, do you have any idea where we are?"
"Ooh, ooh, a guessing game," Pinkie Pie said, jumping up and down. "Uhm, is this a stellarium? Oh, are we in outer space? Ooh, ooh is this a party room?"
"I'm afraid none of your guesses are correct, miss Pinkie."
Twilight and the other girls spun around, trying to see where the voice was coming from. "Who-who are you?"
The voice chuckled. "Oh, I'm sorry, let me show you who I am."
A shadow suddenly passed over the ponies in the room. In front of them, the shadow formed into a pony, or at least he shaped like one. His face was nothing but a skeleton, a cloak draped over his whole body. A scythe floated beside him. He approached the girls.
"I am, as you ponies would call, Death."
Rainbow and Applejack laughed after what 'Death', said. Applejack snorted, "Yeah, the next thing you'll be saying is that we're dead."
"But you are, Applejack, all of you died from Grogar's spell."
All of them fell silent. Their minds were still processing the news they just heard. Even Twilight was in shock. Dead? she thought.
Finally, Applejack spoke up. "So, you mean to tell is that we hit the bucket while fighting Grogar? Does that mean that Grogar won?"
Twilight can't really make out Death's face, but she thought she saw him smile a bit. "No, Grogar died from the spell your elements created against him, but alas, he was able to take you with him."
"So what do we do now?"
Death pointed his Scythe at the door. "You pass through and go to the Afterlife."
"Wait, so you mean that beyond that door, is the Afterlife. Where all the ponies that passed away are?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"That is correct."
Fluttershy raised her hoof. "Uhm, excuse me? Is there anyway that we could go back? To the living world I mean."
Death shook his head. "I'm afraid that you have no choice Fluttershy. Either the Afterlife or wander in this room forever"
Silence filled the room once more. Finally, Applejack broke the silence, "Death, is my parents there?"
Twilight could swear she saw Death grin. "Yes Applejack, along with your Grampa, and everyone else."
Twilight turned to the girls, "Well, I guess we have no choice but to pass through. Now that I think about it, it would be nice to rest after all the things we've been through. And I think we'll find that peace in the afterlife."
Rainbow smiled, "Well, as long as we're together, I don't mind crossing to the Afterlife. As long as we're together"
"Yeah, it would be sooo exciting, I get to see Granny Pie again!" Pinkie chimed in.
"As long as I'm with you darlings," Rarity said.
"Yeah, I'm in"
"Same here"
They all hugged each other, and Twilight can't help but smile. "Alright we all pass through the door together" They walked towards the door. "Okay girls, on three. One, two, three!"
They all closed their eyes and stepped towards the portal. Yet something blocked Twilight. She opened her eyes. She tried passing through again only to fail. She frantically tried to get in, to no avail. She looked at Death. "Death! What's the meaning of this?"
Death stared at her, and suddenly stepped back. "Wait, you're an alicorn? You're a princess?"
"Yes, why?"
"I'm sorry Twilight, but I have to send you back to the Living World." His scythe glowed as he waved it around.
"But you said that's the only place we could go through! You said we were all dead!"
Death shook his head. "Sorry Princess, but there's a rule about the Afterlife. Everyone can go in..."
A black ray hit Twilight. As she felt herself disappear, she heard Death mutter.
"But Princesses are not included"
Twilight stared at the door in front of her. It was shining in brightly that she can't really stare at it for that long. Everything around her, along with the floor was black, dotted with star-like lights. She can't see the floor she's stepping on, there probably isn't one. But for some reason she stayed afloat.
They'd been here for a while now. Minutes? An hour? Twilight couldn't remember.
"What is this place?" Fluttershy asked in a timid voice. "Everything is so, dark"
Rarity looked around, with the same confusion in her face. "Well, the last thing I remember is us battling with Grogar, then suddenly, we're here! Twilight darlin, do you have any idea where we are?"
"Ooh, ooh, a guessing game," Pinkie Pie said, jumping up and down. "Uhm, is this a stellarium? Oh, are we in outer space? Ooh, ooh is this a party room?"
"I'm afraid none of your guesses are correct, miss Pinkie."
Twilight and the other girls spun around, trying to see where the voice was coming from. "Who-who are you?"
The voice chuckled. "Oh, I'm sorry, let me show you who I am."
A shadow suddenly passed over the ponies in the room. In front of them, the shadow formed into a pony, or at least he shaped like one. His face was nothing but a skeleton, a cloak draped over his whole body. A scythe floated beside him. He approached the girls.
"I am, as you ponies would call, Death."
Rainbow and Applejack laughed after what 'Death', said. Applejack snorted, "Yeah, the next thing you'll be saying is that we're dead."
"But you are, Applejack, all of you died from Grogar's spell."
All of them fell silent. Their minds were still processing the news they just heard. Even Twilight was in shock. Dead? she thought.
Finally, Applejack spoke up. "So, you mean to tell is that we hit the bucket while fighting Grogar? Does that mean that Grogar won?"
Twilight can't really make out Death's face, but she thought she saw him smile a bit. "No, Grogar died from the spell your elements created against him, but alas, he was able to take you with him."
"So what do we do now?"
Death pointed his Scythe at the door. "You pass through and go to the Afterlife."
"Wait, so you mean that beyond that door, is the Afterlife. Where all the ponies that passed away are?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"That is correct."
Fluttershy raised her hoof. "Uhm, excuse me? Is there anyway that we could go back? To the living world I mean."
Death shook his head. "I'm afraid that you have no choice Fluttershy. Either the Afterlife or wander in this room forever"
Silence filled the room once more. Finally, Applejack broke the silence, "Death, is my parents there?"
Twilight could swear she saw Death grin. "Yes Applejack, along with your Grampa, and everyone else."
Twilight turned to the girls, "Well, I guess we have no choice but to pass through. Now that I think about it, it would be nice to rest after all the things we've been through. And I think we'll find that peace in the afterlife."
Rainbow smiled, "Well, as long as we're together, I don't mind crossing to the Afterlife. As long as we're together"
"Yeah, it would be sooo exciting, I get to see Granny Pie again!" Pinkie chimed in.
"As long as I'm with you darlings," Rarity said.
"Yeah, I'm in"
"Same here"
They all hugged each other, and Twilight can't help but smile. "Alright we all pass through the door together" They walked towards the door. "Okay girls, on three. One, two, three!"
They all closed their eyes and stepped towards the portal. Yet something blocked Twilight. She opened her eyes. She tried passing through again only to fail. She frantically tried to get in, to no avail. She looked at Death. "Death! What's the meaning of this?"
Death stared at her, and suddenly stepped back. "Wait, you're an alicorn? You're a princess?"
"Yes, why?"
"I'm sorry Twilight, but I have to send you back to the Living World." His scythe glowed as he waved it around.
"But you said that's the only place we could go through! You said we were all dead!"
Death shook his head. "Sorry Princess, but there's a rule about the Afterlife. Everyone can go in..."
A black ray hit Twilight. As she felt herself disappear, she heard Death mutter.
"But Princesses are not included"
Okay, didn't see the ending coming. I did like that part even if it's a bit of a blunt prompt drop.
My big critique here is that everything up to that point needs polishing. 'Everypony is finding out they are dead' is a concept that can work, but to really shine the execution needs to shy away from the trope-ish which is what we have here. 'They won and stopped Grogar' - sure. But then, what more are we saying here? The ending isn't really funny; there's not a big emotional connection; and nopony is making me feel empathy for them in this.
To polish, work on improving our ability to like with the characters in some way. I'd enjoy this much more if I could empathize with anyone.
Please keep at it!
My big critique here is that everything up to that point needs polishing. 'Everypony is finding out they are dead' is a concept that can work, but to really shine the execution needs to shy away from the trope-ish which is what we have here. 'They won and stopped Grogar' - sure. But then, what more are we saying here? The ending isn't really funny; there's not a big emotional connection; and nopony is making me feel empathy for them in this.
To polish, work on improving our ability to like with the characters in some way. I'd enjoy this much more if I could empathize with anyone.
Please keep at it!
>>Morning Sun Agree. The story exists to set up the last line, but only in terms of plot, not in any emotional payoff.
Boy, this is rough. Lots of grammar errors. I think Death here is, ah, blandly casual; his voice is more colloquial than what I would have expected, which is fine in theory, but it just ends up being boring, like he's some random guy and not, you know, Death.
And like the other comments said, the story's kinda just...there. The ending happens, but the build-up to it isn't enough to make it particularly meaningful.
And like the other comments said, the story's kinda just...there. The ending happens, but the build-up to it isn't enough to make it particularly meaningful.
Roughness and grammatical errors aside, I concur with the previous comments, it lacks an emotional connection. Limiting it to a minific and having six characters means that you really have at most two sentences for each one to establish them having made peace with their situation. Not an easy task. Managing the scarce space you have is usually the key in this kind of rounds.
The basic idea is interesting, and I can see it becoming something quite good if you Polish it.
Potentially interesting premise with flawed execution.
The basic idea is interesting, and I can see it becoming something quite good if you Polish it.
Potentially interesting premise with flawed execution.
The story isn't bad, and the flow of action and dialogue is decent. I'm sure you are aware that your English needs a lot of work, and for that you'll need prereader assistance from somepony who speaks and writes English well.
The main issue I have with the story is that it feels incomplete, even for a minific, because we don't get a sense of Twilight's friends' reaction, or "what's next" for Twilight. It ends at the climax, and I feel the reader deserves a denouement on a topic like this. Partly that's because the idea has been done to death (pun not intentional) and we want to see more on what the author's ideas are.
So, give us more! And get a prereader to help you if you decide to finish it.
The main issue I have with the story is that it feels incomplete, even for a minific, because we don't get a sense of Twilight's friends' reaction, or "what's next" for Twilight. It ends at the climax, and I feel the reader deserves a denouement on a topic like this. Partly that's because the idea has been done to death (pun not intentional) and we want to see more on what the author's ideas are.
So, give us more! And get a prereader to help you if you decide to finish it.
Others have covered the basic issues. I agree that you need more emotional consideration for everypony involved. Realizing you’re dead after the fact is going to be pretty darn shocking, even if you subscribe to the Prachettian “no glands” school of postmortem psychology. And yes, Death definitely feels inappropriately casual. You’ll also want to work on him somehow failing to register Twilight’s horn and wings until the most dramatic moment possible, which at the moment feels pretty darn contrived.
Also, you’re going to better establish the situation at the opening. I had no idea who was present until they all spoke up. Starting premortem might be advisable, though the slow reveal of circumstances can also work.
This will need a fair amount of work, but the end result will be worth it.
Also, you’re going to better establish the situation at the opening. I had no idea who was present until they all spoke up. Starting premortem might be advisable, though the slow reveal of circumstances can also work.
This will need a fair amount of work, but the end result will be worth it.
I actually thought there was a decent emotional connection here, fueled largely by Pinkie's enthusiasm and AJ's desire to see her family. But of course others have mentioned the need for some cleanup, and have wished to see more to the story, and I'll echo those sentiments.
I was caught a bit off guard by the prompt drop, but I thought it was used effectively.
Tier: Needs Work
I was caught a bit off guard by the prompt drop, but I thought it was used effectively.
Tier: Needs Work