Sorry to say it, but I'll have to bow out this round; I wasn't able to get my idea into something I liked, and I figured it would be preferable not to enter something than to put forward something I'm not happy with.

Again, good luck to everyone else this round!

>>Trick_Question
Interesting. I've got the opposite problem; I have a good message, but I'm struggling to marry it to a plot that wouldn't put people to sleep. Otherwise, I'm in the same position; I may or may not wind up with an entry this round.

In any case, good luck to you and to everyone else here!

>>AndrewRogue
Maybe.

I'm in the middle of trying to beat an idea into shape. I think it's good, it's just a matter of structure and details; hopefully I'll be able to get it finished and submitted.

In the meantime, good luck to everybody else!

>>Monokeras
>>Fenton
>>Posh
>>Ranmilia
>>CoffeeMinion
>>Trick_Question
>>AndrewRogue
>>TitaniumDragon

I want to thank everyone who commented on my entry and for your criticisms, and hopefully this won't be too boring of a post.

I think an explanation of what I was trying to do in this piece can be split into two parts: structure and idea.

One part of this was to try and create a piece that would have a complete narrative arc within the 750 word limit. I know it was a cliché scenario (akin to 'Jimmy falls down the well') but that was kind of the point; I knew on that level that I had to keep the subject simple and visceral, and 'someone saving the life of someone else' sounded good. I also wanted to see if I could come up with something emotional and fast-paced, such as an action scene.

From the responses I got, I did okay on a structural level. The piece does have a narrative arc, a beginning-middle-end thing going on. And a number of you also thought it was fast-paced and had emotional content.

At the same time, I also heard from a couple of people that the language was a little clunky, and >>AndrewRogue mentioned that there wasn't enough description of the setting.

The biggest problem, though, was the low-stakes nature of the piece. It's supposed to be about someone holding on frantically for dear life in the middle of a raging river, while another character risks their own life to save them.

And...after looking at the piece further, I can see it didn't turn out that way. Adagio just dives into the water, swims to Twilight and then they get rescued; any problems the former runs into are just bypassed easily. Adagio might as well be making her way through an indoor swimming pool, while I act as the breathless narrator and try to pump up the events with hyperbole.

I think what I need to do is give more explanation. Why is it so important for the character to do this? What are the dangers involved? And why can they not simply 'walk in, do what needs doing and walk out'? Have the character pause before an obstacle while I mention what they stand to lose if things don't go well. And also have them screw-up a little or have something unexpected foul their plans up at some point. Perhaps also have the character be more ill-suited for whatever they are facing (in the case of the river, have a character who isn't a particularly good swimmer have to save her).

The other part of the story is where I really blew it, the distribution of information that was necessary to make sense of the action.

Pretty much everyone had no idea why Twilight was in the river, or what the deal was between Adagio and Twilight, or what the heck was going on. And never mind the throwaway lines Adagio was using. The whole thing was out of context.

Part of my problem was that I didn't correctly gauge how niche EqG was; I thought it was more well known than it turned out to be, and so that hurt me.

But now that I've thought about it, what really sank me was that this scene was originally an idea for an AU fic I had in that universe; you can all relax about being lost, since the references are just from my own imaginings. Sorry... <:(

(I hopefully won't bore with too many details: The Sirens, instead of vanishing after Rainbow Rocks, come across the naïve and lonely human counterpart of Twilight Sparkle before the 'Humane 6'; after finding out Twilight's been dabbling in finding a way to contain and analyze magic, Adagio 'befriends' her in hopes that they together can restore the Sirens' powers; after a while Adagio and Human!Twilight begin to bond, only for things to fall apart when the latter figures out she's been used; the piece is set after Twilight's run somewhere to figure out what to do and Adagio has chased after someone she really is beginning to think of as a friend she could pull into the darkness.)

My apologies for my ambition/arrogance with this piece, and more apologies for you having to read through it. I was hoping to separate the presented piece from the source material enough that it could be a relatively self-contained story, but I failed in that (mostly, I think, because I started putting in non-self-contain material back in for some stupid reason).

I realize now how ridiculous the situation I'd set for myself was. For the audience to make sense of the whole thing I needed to: explain enough to put the action of the story into context; explain who a relatively niche character was and what was going on in a niche part of the MLP universe; and explain how the situation in this AU was different from normal.

To paraphrase the man in the TV show: I had a lot of 'splainin' to do...

I also realize how deeply unfair that is to the audience. People who at least know something about the source material are going to be confused and people who don't are going to be totally lost.

Going back to the piece's flaws, >>Ranmilia noticed the story elements butting heads – Adagio's emotions (a character-centered piece) and the rescue (an action-centered piece). What I now think I should have done was either change the characters to ones that would likely wind up in the situation presented (subordinating them to the action element of the story) or change the scene entirely to present a 'day in the life of' piece that would show the relationship between Adagio and Human!Twilight (subordinating setting and action to the character element of the story). It might still have wound up a bit of a mess, but not as bad as it is here.

And, as you suggested >>Ranmilia , I'm going to see about coming up with simpler ideas for the mini-fic rounds and save the more complex stuff (with more need for information) for the short story rounds.

I know I sound like I'm putting myself down here, but this really has gotten me to think. Hopefully that will show up in an improvement in my writing.

Thank you for putting up with me this round, and I hope to see you all next time!

Congratulations to all the participants, and to the finalists: Sharpspark, Orbiting_kettle and Winston. I'll be positing my retrospective sometime in the next day or two; though I crashed and burned a bit this time, I learned quite a bit from this round and hope to share some thoughts.

See you all on the next round!

I actually just submitted something for this round! It may wind up in the 'it sounded better when I was writing it' category, but...we'll see what happens. Good luck to everyone else!

>>Trick_Question
>>AndrewRogue
Thanks for the explanation and the agreement, and forgive me for my ignorance. <:)

>>Trick_Question
Okay, I'll admit to not understanding the meaning of the image you showed me. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I apologize for causing offense on my earlier message, if that's what this is about.

I can't believe I didn't mention this in my last post, but congratulations to all the entrants and winners in this round, especially AndrewRogue!

>>Haze
>>horizon
>>devas
>>Ratlab
>>Trick_Question
>>AndrewRogue
>>Fenton
>>Monokeras
>>Ranmilia
>>libertydude

Thank you everyone for your comments and criticism, they're all appreciated. And sorry about being a little late with this response; for some reason I was dead tired yesterday.

I'd thought about the prompt a bit and realized that 'parallel universes' didn't necessarily mean a sci-fi concept; the term could apply to things like the spirit world or the lands of the dead in mythology. I just happened to think of Norse mythology because of its Nine Realms, which could be interpreted in such a way.

Another element to this was a thought I'd had concerning the idea of Viking afterlife: Niflheim (or, more accurately, Hel's hall of Helheim) was where those who had died of sickness, old age and generally anything other than valorous battle would up going. Well, that would also include the absolute best warriors as well, since no mortal opponent could defeat them in battle. Hel would be more than willing to take such warriors into her company, I imagine, and it sounds fitting that the daughter of Loki would be the beneficiary of such a cosmic technicality. (She's also getting more than a few leaders, wise-men and who-knows-how-much of a labor force as well, so it's no wonder her home is essentially hermetically sealed from the rest of Creation in the legends.)

Looking back on it now, even before the comments came in I realize that I did badly hurt myself with the format I used. It requires that the audience be able to 'become' the viewpoint character and be led around the nose by the author. It's either going to work or it isn't, and there's not much middle ground.

I also managed again to write a piece that really didn't have anything going on in it. It does have nice mood and an interesting idea, but there's no real story going on in it like >>Ranmilia mentions. *sigh* And I thought I was being so clever, again... (Then again, it was something of a stream-of-consciousness piece that I wrote in about an hour and spent another hour polishing, so I shouldn't be surprised.)

As for individual responses:

>>Haze
I'm glad you liked it. Like I said above, it was an experimental piece, and I'm glad it wasn't a total bust with everyone.

>>horizon
Thanks for the detailed review. I do agree now that the format hurt the story, and also the 'twist' of Hel being the goddess in question. I thought I'd learned that lesson from my first attempt in these contests back in February but...apparently not. (Oh well, maybe I'll do better next time. :) And you do make a good point about the 'leprosy' thing being made too late in the piece, it should have been better integrated in the piece (considering she was rotting away in mythology, I thought it would have been a likely cause of her condition, making her home something of a leper colony).

>>devas
Glad you liked the piece, though I imagine you saw much better later on.

>>Ratlab
Sorry if the idea went a little past you; I was trying for something different and I apparently succeeded on that count, for good or ill. And I didn't think about the use of the word 'damn' being so jarring in the piece. Thank you for pointing that out.

>>Trick_Question
Thanks for liking the piece, overall. I agree, looking back on it now, that 'who the audience is supposed to be' could have been made a lot clearer. And thanks again for mentioning my sad attempt at a 'twist' that shouldn't have been one. As for Hel's name and home - I thought 'Hela' would be a better way of putting down a female deity's name, while the rest of it means I should have done a better job of researching my mythology before submitting the piece.

>>AndrewRogue
Glad you liked the piece. I think you're probably right about the choice of protagonist and the fact that there's a lot of mood but not much in the way of a sense of triumph for Hel. I think the latter is probably a consequence of this piece really needing more of a story element to it and higher stakes.

>>Fenton
Thank you for the praise and the different take on Hel's naming in the story. I'd meant the word 'damn' to be used because Hel is basically trapped for eternity in her realm; no one, no thing can leave her realm, not even her, and I would imagine that to be horribly frustrating over the long term, which is why I had her getting like that. She's just that upset over the matter.

>>Monokeras
You're right about the problems with the piece: when I take a closer look at it, it looks more like a guide giving a tour than anything else. No conflict, no stakes, just someone talking to someone else. While it is well-written, it needs a lot more to it. (To be honest to everyone, I'm shocked at how well this piece did in this round.)

>>Ranmilia
Yeah, this piece seems to be well-written, but it's 'full of sound and fury, signifying nothing'. I don't have a lot of answers to the questions you raise because I wasn't thinking about it at the time; I just wanted to put something out into the contest this time around. I really should have thought a lot more about this piece and given it more underlying structure before submitting it. But thanks for the detailed critique, I do appreciate it.

>>libertydude
I'm glad you thought it was interesting. Like I've said to some of the others, I do understand that this piece needed more directioon and 'story' to really work better. I'll see what I can do next time.

Thanks once again for all of your comments and kind words. I hope to see you again (and do a better job with my submissions) next time!

Whew! I actually managed to place a comment on each and every one of the stories on my slate this time. Maybe they were good or maybe they were bad, I don't know; I'm still trying to figure out what works and what doesn't as far as being a critic as well as a writer, and hopefully I haven't crushed too many toes as I went along. I want to thank everyone here for letting me tag along this round, and wish everyone the best until the next contest!

I like this piece, and thought it was well-written (though it didn't have that solid a connection to the prompt, IMO). I'll agree, though, that the end point with the 'killer bunny rabbits' just didn't quite mesh with the rest of the story for me. Maybe have the rabbit become Twilight attendants at her library, or maybe her castle staff, and some of Fluttershy's other animal friends become guards? (I can definitely see Harry the Bear in armor, wielding a might weapon...)

Thanks for sharing!

I thought this piece was well-written, and thought characterization and atmosphere were really good. I enjoyed it myself, and I can see why it made it into the finals.

You know, considering that Rainbow is the Element of Loyalty, she may be acting this way because she's afraid of becoming too attached to Ponyville. She wants to be a Wonderbolt, but she knows herself well enough to understand that if she makes too many connections she may not want to leave, and then where will her life-long dream be? After all, the whole 'saving the world thing' is only going to be a one-off, isn't it? >:)

If you expand this, you also definitely have to bring in Rarity and Pinkie Pie's opinions on the matter as well.

Thanks for sharing!

I like the story, and thought it was well-written; I have a soft spot for fluffy pieces.

But I do agree that Twilight would be curious about a ghost as opposed to dismissive, and I think the story needs something more. How could there be a ghost in a castle that's only a few years old at most? Could Willow be a spirit that somehow got trapped in the Elements of Harmony long ago, and was only released when the Friendship Castle was created? Is she maybe the spirit of the Castle, or maybe the Cutie Map? Or maybe there's a legend about Willow in Ponyville, one requiring Starlight to canvas the town?

Just some ideas I thought I'd throw out. And thanks for sharing!

I don't think I have much else to say on this that hasn't been said by others. It's a good, simple read and a fun story idea that follows the prompt. My only big suggestion is that you'll want to provide more description in the middle parts of Twilight's 'scavenger hunt'. There's also the possibility that, at the end, Rainbow has to leave Twilight alone long enough for the latter to actually mix and drink down the resultant formula (with Celestia-only-knows what side-effects... :).

Thanks for sharing!

I hope I'm not ganging up when I concur with >>Cold in Gardez, >>Trick_Question, and >>Monokeras on the nature of this story. It's technically well-written, and very good at painting a picture and it does follow the prompt. The problem is that there's not too much under the hood; Rarity's standing around considering things, but not really making much of a decision and not really doing much of anything.

>>PaulAsaran also has a point that the situation is kind of OOC for Rarity; she'd hardly pass up a bold new business opportunity or new contacts. I think the problem is that there's no counter-weight, no 'bad side' to the deal, so why shouldn't Rarity take it on?

Perhaps you could have the scene play out at the ball itself, and with her friends talking positively (or trying to) about her impending trip and all the benefits it will bring. But instead of it being Fancy Pants making the offer, what if the trip is an ambassadorial junket led by Prince Blueblood? Now Rarity has to decide: are all the connections, knowledge and experiences of the trip worth spending an entire year in Blueblood's entourage?

Anyway, it's just a suggestion, take it as you will. And thanks for sharing!

I liked this piece; I thought the characters were well written, and it makes good use of the prompt with Applejack trying to ignore her feeling for Rarity while not actually trying to force them down. Those sections are very evocative and emotional, and I think they're well-dispersed throughout the story.

I'll agree, though, that it feels a little flat. I think the reason for this is that, while Applejack is pining over Rarity, the two of them aren't actually doing anything; they're just standing around making plans. May I suggest that, instead of planning the cider-tasting, have the two of them actually setting the whole thing up at Sweet Apple Acres. While Applejack is intellectually considering her feelings, it's contrasted with her and Rarity putting up lights and tables in the fields, figuring out what vintages of cider to use in the tasting and what kind of vessels to drink out of (I can imagine and argument between Rarity wanting silver or crystal goblets and Applejack thinking simple wooden steins would do...). This might add more energy to the narrative and allow you to show more of contrast in tastes (no pun intended :) between the two characters.

Just a suggestion, and thanks for sharing!

This isn't a bad story, well-written and has a good idea behind it. There are a couple of points, though, were I think it could be improved if it were lengthened and allowed to breathe a little more.

First, I think there should be more depth in the scenes where Silver Spoon is being rejected by her peer. Talking about a 'pit' is nice for a minific, but what might be better is a description within each scene of how that feeling affects her actions and the way she interacts with her environment and others after she's been shut out. And make the effect cumulative across the different scenes: each scene things get worse and worse and the slaps in the face just start piling up in her mannerisms and ways of thinking.

Second, Diamond Tiara's advice comes way too late in the narrative; as is, it feels like the story's connection to the prompt was only just tacked on at the end. Have Diamond give her advice and then have a scene or two where Silver uses said advice and finds that it actually works. Then have Silver go back to Diamond and have them start becoming the twosome they are in canon.

Thanks for sharing!

A very well-done story that makes an interesting use of the writing prompt. I think other people have been more eloquent about this story's good point, so I'll just say that it was a great read for me.

One other thing: I noticed the discussion about it being almost impossible for Tirek to truly be forgotten in Equestria, and therefore the plot of the story is meaningless. Not necessarily. Celestia might very well know that her threat of Tirek's annihilation is just a bluff, but Tirek has no way of knowing that, stuck in his cell as he is. She might have just told him all of that, and then she just plans to let him stew for however long he continues to stay down there. (There's also the added benefit that if he ever does come back he'll believe he has to quickly make himself well-known, which will make him much easier to locate and apprehend.)

Anyway, thanks for sharing!

Not a bad piece and an interesting take on the prompt. It's solidly-written and has an interesting subject matter, and I thought the dialogue was well-done.

On the other hand, the story is a little on the flat side. I think maybe it would have had more impact if we'd learned more about Human!Sunset, like if she had any surviving family or friends (maybe Sunset had tried to visit them), or if there were any unsettling similarities between the two Sunsets. As is, Human!Sunset is just a cypher who's only impact is provided by the shock value of her being dead.

Anyway, a good read and thanks for sharing!

>>Everyday
You're absolutely right, and thank you. I skimmed through the story again and found the reference to the imaginary friend being ignored, and therefore that the story is about the consequences of the prompt.

Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'll go bang my head against the nearest wall for a while. <:)

I thought this was a cute piece, well-written and it does feel like the subject matter could have easily been from the show. I really like Minuette, and seeing her help out somepony else like that sounded like something she'd get involved in.

That said, I'm going to be a nitpicker and say that I'm not sure how the story follows the prompt. The main problem of the story is Minstrel losing her imaginary friend and, rather than ignoring the problem Minuette actively confronts the problem with her search.

Anyway, thanks for sharing!

This was a very good emotional piece; I thought you captured the dynamics of a relationship very well, and it's a very interesting idea and pairing.

It is kind of jarring for me, though, to see an unusual couple like that, as well as the fact that Moondancer moved to Griffonstone, right at the very start of the story; while it's explained later in the text, I was kind of knocked off kilter for a bit while I got myself used to the idea.

I'm also having a hard time figuring out how the story follows the prompt. What thing about Gilda/Moondancer's relationship have the two of them been ignoring to the point that it turns into the confrontation we see here?

Anyway, this is a great seed for a larger story with an interesting and unique premise.

Thanks for sharing!

I liked this one, overall; it's very like Pinkie and, yes, I can see her as a martial artist. And I like the 'fight scene' between her and Limestone. The epilogue is jarring, though, because of the different tone and the fact that the apparent destruction of Canterlot seems to come out of nowhere.

My suggestion would be to eliminate the epilogue piece and move the information further back into the story. Perhaps have Pinkie reflect at the start of the piece how she is doing this martial arts demonstration because they're trapped in a cave. By the end of the story, Pinkie just hopes she can distract her audience long enough for it to go away (by rescue workers finding them all...she hopes...).

For that matter, the subjects of a martial arts demonstration and disaster survival don't seem to have anything to do with each other, which may be another reason the ending of this piece is so jarring.

Anyway, thanks for sharing!

An enjoyable and humorous piece that definitely makes use of the prompt (though I agree that it could use less prompt-dropping). In particular, I now have in head-canon the idea that Twilight has a taste for exceedingly expensive imported oats; it sounds like the kind of harmless vice someone like Twilight would indulge in. Thank you for that. :)

I also liked the part where Twilight was trying to explain why she was ignoring the elephant; it had just the right balance between credible explanation and Twilight simply covering herself (it's perfectly understandable that she, a small pony, wouldn't want to take on a massive elephant single-hoofedly).

There are some flaws, though. For one thing there are places where the lack of dialogue tags make it confusing to figure out who is saying what; I actually had to rewind a couple of times while reading.

There's also the fact that the story does lose steam once Twilight and Spike get into the hallway and try to figure out what to do about their 'uninvited guest'. That part could probably be condensed or even eliminated altogether without hurting the story.

But overall a very entertaining piece. Thanks for sharing!