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Chomp? I guess?
First thing I want to get out of the way is the ending. I’m not sure if I’m reading it correct, but did our protagonist just get his arm munched on by the fish? (We don't have a name, so that's all I can muster). What I’m saying though is that the ending is hard to parse, but that could easily be my trash comprehension skills.
There is also a part of me that thinks this is referencing something. Some clues that lead me in are the title of the piece or the referenced character, Manu, but other than that, I'm stumped.
Still though, this is a good piece. I’ve heard through reddit stories of people who survived suicide attempts get mid-way through their attempt and then have the clarity of the ‘I don’t want to die!’ rush from the survival instincts kicking in. This definitely illustrates it.
You feel a bit of the protagonist’s pain as they leapt off the boat. Then, you could feel the panic of trying to avoid being flayed by the rotors or drowning. Two different contrasts that bring this story to life.
As always, this is a crappy Pinoy review, so take it with a grain of salt. Thanks for writing!
First thing I want to get out of the way is the ending. I’m not sure if I’m reading it correct, but did our protagonist just get his arm munched on by the fish? (We don't have a name, so that's all I can muster). What I’m saying though is that the ending is hard to parse, but that could easily be my trash comprehension skills.
There is also a part of me that thinks this is referencing something. Some clues that lead me in are the title of the piece or the referenced character, Manu, but other than that, I'm stumped.
Still though, this is a good piece. I’ve heard through reddit stories of people who survived suicide attempts get mid-way through their attempt and then have the clarity of the ‘I don’t want to die!’ rush from the survival instincts kicking in. This definitely illustrates it.
You feel a bit of the protagonist’s pain as they leapt off the boat. Then, you could feel the panic of trying to avoid being flayed by the rotors or drowning. Two different contrasts that bring this story to life.
As always, this is a crappy Pinoy review, so take it with a grain of salt. Thanks for writing!
This one suffers the same problem as Transitional pools. The reader is suspended from the plight of the character. Again, like I said in the other review, what are we supposed to feel? Plight? This time a father-son bond that is unbreakable?
To make it worse, the problem seems to get resolved, but somehow, Joshua and dad get frozen on their way back, but alas, they are safe in the hospital! Alive too! This seems to erase any feeling the reader had before, if it was at all possible.
What I do like is the imagery in this one though: the ambience of the snowstorm, the sterileness and remoteness of the environment. I would use this to help convey the plight more, but other than that, nothing else to say.
As always, this is a crappy Pinoy review, so take it with a grain of salt. Thanks for writing!
To make it worse, the problem seems to get resolved, but somehow, Joshua and dad get frozen on their way back, but alas, they are safe in the hospital! Alive too! This seems to erase any feeling the reader had before, if it was at all possible.
What I do like is the imagery in this one though: the ambience of the snowstorm, the sterileness and remoteness of the environment. I would use this to help convey the plight more, but other than that, nothing else to say.
As always, this is a crappy Pinoy review, so take it with a grain of salt. Thanks for writing!
Post by
PinoyPony
, deleted
Post by
PinoyPony
, deleted
I’ll tell ya, I’m a sucker for sci-fi survival stories. That being said, my review might be leaning on bias for yours. Still, I’ll give it a fair shake on what I like and what I don’t like.
What I didn’t particularly like was the transmission set for humor. I mean, I get the point that those darn ads will find you anywhere, even when you are at your lowest (Trade Systems Monthly). Still though, you could add to the fact that Jocobee (fairly certain that’s the protagonist’s name) is frustrated by the disregard for battery life (adding to the ambience of desperation) or toss it out completely. Humor seems to interrupt the desperation for a hot second. But that may just be me.
What I’m unsure about is the all-dialogue. Sure, the dialogue does all it needs to, and there is not a need for narrative. I don’t know what else to say, but, be careful. Still though, if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. It seems good at where it is at.
For what I like, is that you get a twinge of the character’s desperation as they are trying to survive with limited resources. Especially when it comes to the tilithium film. Especially nice touch with Jocobee considering the pros and cons on playing the long game. Here, also, we get a glimmer of hope when the transmission denoting that rescue is near is sent. But, still, it’s a great way to end off with a cliffhanger, hope on the horizon, but our hero is not out of the woods (or out of Casleo yet). Excellent way to end!
Thanks for writing!
What I didn’t particularly like was the transmission set for humor. I mean, I get the point that those darn ads will find you anywhere, even when you are at your lowest (Trade Systems Monthly). Still though, you could add to the fact that Jocobee (fairly certain that’s the protagonist’s name) is frustrated by the disregard for battery life (adding to the ambience of desperation) or toss it out completely. Humor seems to interrupt the desperation for a hot second. But that may just be me.
What I’m unsure about is the all-dialogue. Sure, the dialogue does all it needs to, and there is not a need for narrative. I don’t know what else to say, but, be careful. Still though, if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it. It seems good at where it is at.
For what I like, is that you get a twinge of the character’s desperation as they are trying to survive with limited resources. Especially when it comes to the tilithium film. Especially nice touch with Jocobee considering the pros and cons on playing the long game. Here, also, we get a glimmer of hope when the transmission denoting that rescue is near is sent. But, still, it’s a great way to end off with a cliffhanger, hope on the horizon, but our hero is not out of the woods (or out of Casleo yet). Excellent way to end!
Thanks for writing!
This feels like something out of Stranger Things- just needed to get that out of my mind.
At first, I was thinking about the key details of things, with water boiling and freezing at the same time, I was about to say that the character, Mittie, is in extreme danger if this tells us anything that the pressure and temperature are at the triple-point of water. If this was the case, our character is dead within seconds.
But things aren’t always as it seems. I hate to make assumptions due to my track record when it comes to assumptions. If I have read correctly, Mittie is stuck in her head due to a coma or something and her decisions while in ‘headspace’ will ultimately decide whether she will be free or not.
But then, Alaina shows up and basically says to her, ‘I’m a figment and cannot help you’. But that’s assuming the flash at the end is death welcoming her, and not her waking up out of presumed coma.
I feel like this one is out of place. What are we supposed to feel? The plight? The love between Mittie and Alaina? Given that the round only allows for 750 words, I understand that not a lot can be conveyed, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
The things I like though are the vivid scene. You paint a clear picture in my mind about how this ‘room’ works. It’s the main thing conveying the futileness of the scene. Just focus on that, maybe a bit of the puzzles given, and you’ve got a solid piece!
Thanks for writing!
At first, I was thinking about the key details of things, with water boiling and freezing at the same time, I was about to say that the character, Mittie, is in extreme danger if this tells us anything that the pressure and temperature are at the triple-point of water. If this was the case, our character is dead within seconds.
But things aren’t always as it seems. I hate to make assumptions due to my track record when it comes to assumptions. If I have read correctly, Mittie is stuck in her head due to a coma or something and her decisions while in ‘headspace’ will ultimately decide whether she will be free or not.
But then, Alaina shows up and basically says to her, ‘I’m a figment and cannot help you’. But that’s assuming the flash at the end is death welcoming her, and not her waking up out of presumed coma.
I feel like this one is out of place. What are we supposed to feel? The plight? The love between Mittie and Alaina? Given that the round only allows for 750 words, I understand that not a lot can be conveyed, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
The things I like though are the vivid scene. You paint a clear picture in my mind about how this ‘room’ works. It’s the main thing conveying the futileness of the scene. Just focus on that, maybe a bit of the puzzles given, and you’ve got a solid piece!
Thanks for writing!
TLDR: There are several problems with the fic at this point, but at least the world building is solid.
>>Baal Bunny
Immediately, after the prompt was given, it took me a while to get an idea for this round, and that’s what crippled me in the end. Ultimately, I wanted to do and Orpheus “Don’t look back” lest your lover is stolen away to the Underworld again, this time permanently. But, due to the flurry of ideas in my head, that was not communicated well.
What took most of that umph away was the immediate decompress provided by the ambience of the underworld, and the friendliness of it. By the end of it, I closed it off with Bon-Bon not being able to feel anything, not even love and was done with the entry. I wasn’t happy with it, for it lacked a lot of things. Not necessarily a bad piece per se, but I need to give it a lot more love.
Thank you for the review though, truly! It takes a lot to go the extra mile to review in a round where you’ve missed the submit deadline! I will be sure to give your story a read! :twilightsmile:
>>thebandbrony
Truth be told, I was about to backlog this in the drawer of my various unfinished pieces, but with what you just said, brought it up close the front of the line. I will see what I can do to expand and to add a little more to the main focuses of the story: love and pain, and the clause of “Don’t look back.”
>>Baal Bunny
Immediately, after the prompt was given, it took me a while to get an idea for this round, and that’s what crippled me in the end. Ultimately, I wanted to do and Orpheus “Don’t look back” lest your lover is stolen away to the Underworld again, this time permanently. But, due to the flurry of ideas in my head, that was not communicated well.
What took most of that umph away was the immediate decompress provided by the ambience of the underworld, and the friendliness of it. By the end of it, I closed it off with Bon-Bon not being able to feel anything, not even love and was done with the entry. I wasn’t happy with it, for it lacked a lot of things. Not necessarily a bad piece per se, but I need to give it a lot more love.
Thank you for the review though, truly! It takes a lot to go the extra mile to review in a round where you’ve missed the submit deadline! I will be sure to give your story a read! :twilightsmile:
>>thebandbrony
Truth be told, I was about to backlog this in the drawer of my various unfinished pieces, but with what you just said, brought it up close the front of the line. I will see what I can do to expand and to add a little more to the main focuses of the story: love and pain, and the clause of “Don’t look back.”
Before I look at Baal’s review and completely taint my viewpoint, I will have prepared this review from memory of the piece. Give it my own original thought without piggybacking on another.
When I got through the reading, my, what a ride! The both of us had written about death (and I’m going to check out Baal’s story to see if this trend continues). Altogether, yours is a solid piece because I couldn’t help but turn green with envy at your writing prowess. Maybe my soul’s trajectory is to learn humility, as one of the reincarnations of the soul formerly known as Rainbow Dash had to learn.
What I liked most is how the mannerisms were described, and how you could feel the connection to the characters. Cosmo is the example of that. Pure disgust for the way how he treats Charm, but a flicker of empathy when he explains his ways, but then the disgust surging back on oneself for emphasizing with a pony who still has a lot to learn about the magic of friendship.
That, and the description of the labwork/lab environment. Make it seem like the experiments are well-researched and plausible.
Now, the bad part. For me, I got a little lost when Bloom was performing CPR. At first, I thought she killed the colt, judging by Death’s brief appearance, but later in the text, I find that it’s the complete opposite. Now, if this was your intention, ignore me. But, the biggest point that I’m having a hard time lining up is why Bloom beats herself up afterwards. She saved a life, so why is she sulking in front of Balsam? There must’ve been something I’m missing. But then again, my comprehension skills can be less than reliable, so take it with a grain of salt.
Altogether, it was a pleasure reading this piece! Congrats on gold! Can’t wait until this hits fimfic (if that’s your intention).
When I got through the reading, my, what a ride! The both of us had written about death (and I’m going to check out Baal’s story to see if this trend continues). Altogether, yours is a solid piece because I couldn’t help but turn green with envy at your writing prowess. Maybe my soul’s trajectory is to learn humility, as one of the reincarnations of the soul formerly known as Rainbow Dash had to learn.
What I liked most is how the mannerisms were described, and how you could feel the connection to the characters. Cosmo is the example of that. Pure disgust for the way how he treats Charm, but a flicker of empathy when he explains his ways, but then the disgust surging back on oneself for emphasizing with a pony who still has a lot to learn about the magic of friendship.
That, and the description of the labwork/lab environment. Make it seem like the experiments are well-researched and plausible.
Now, the bad part. For me, I got a little lost when Bloom was performing CPR. At first, I thought she killed the colt, judging by Death’s brief appearance, but later in the text, I find that it’s the complete opposite. Now, if this was your intention, ignore me. But, the biggest point that I’m having a hard time lining up is why Bloom beats herself up afterwards. She saved a life, so why is she sulking in front of Balsam? There must’ve been something I’m missing. But then again, my comprehension skills can be less than reliable, so take it with a grain of salt.
Altogether, it was a pleasure reading this piece! Congrats on gold! Can’t wait until this hits fimfic (if that’s your intention).
Submitted. I have several conflicting emotions about my entry. Part of me wants to wait this one out, as my writing has become rusty, but then again, the only way to undo rust is to practice.
Apologies in advance for my severely unpolished entry. If anyone has a problem with it, let me know, and I can opt-out. No harm done.
Apologies in advance for my severely unpolished entry. If anyone has a problem with it, let me know, and I can opt-out. No harm done.
What you egg?
Stabs him
Once again, thank you GGA for the art this round. Things have gotten quiet as of late, but it’s comforting to note that people are reading the works being put out of this. Again, like I said to the other entrant, I was actually half-tempted to make an art piece of this.
Well done!
Stabs him
Once again, thank you GGA for the art this round. Things have gotten quiet as of late, but it’s comforting to note that people are reading the works being put out of this. Again, like I said to the other entrant, I was actually half-tempted to make an art piece of this.
Well done!
Kinda makes we want to do a blueprint version for cover art! Altogether, though, through its simplicity, the art for the piece doesn’t need to be complicated, heck, I even think that Estee used a picture of a pony’s skull with emphasis on some molars for a fic about dental work! Same can be applied here.
Well done!
Well done!
To the other entrant this round, thank you for joining in! I would like to say, first and foremost, that (at least in my eyes) the prose is on point, and I can see the scene quite vividly (to tell you the truth, I was half-tempted to make a pic of it, since eggs and toothpicks are easy to come by, my only problem was nailing the faux-picture of Mayor Mare).
Starlight Glimmer is on point with this, even the mention of a deciare that can be used as a political weapon is especially juicy. It would make sense that she knows how to cause conspiracy whilst gaslighting her opponent.
In another context, this would be top tier, but due to the lack of submissions, it wasn’t able to shine. But, altogether, if you are a new face around here, welcome! If you are an alt, then well done on this!
Starlight Glimmer is on point with this, even the mention of a deciare that can be used as a political weapon is especially juicy. It would make sense that she knows how to cause conspiracy whilst gaslighting her opponent.
In another context, this would be top tier, but due to the lack of submissions, it wasn’t able to shine. But, altogether, if you are a new face around here, welcome! If you are an alt, then well done on this!
Welp, this is awkward, but for sake of tradition, I will give it a proper sendoff through a retrospect:
Titanium:
Cool! Gold! Thank you for whoever voted! Given that it definitely wasn’t a fair fight (considering the other entrant was either a new face or an alt), it’s not quite an honorable victory, but I’m not in it for victory, I’m in it for experience and to hone my prowess.
This is one of my good ideas, not going to lie, and due to the circumstances, this round, I chose not to faux review (I mean c’mon, you got a 50-50 chance of guessing right, and those chances can be slightly jilted once you know my general game plan when it comes to my entries. I’m bad at reviewing already, so a faux-review would be practically a flag waving ‘I’m here!’. Not that it mattered anyways, no guesses were made.
No, I choose to take this elsewhere for a formal review. No fault of anyone, of course (I admit that there are times that I should be doing more for the Writeoff, instead of spamming fics). For me, this is simple enough that with a few little tweaks that this will be Fimfic worthy. My hope is to publish it in May (just setting a goal for myself).
Titanium:
Cool! Gold! Thank you for whoever voted! Given that it definitely wasn’t a fair fight (considering the other entrant was either a new face or an alt), it’s not quite an honorable victory, but I’m not in it for victory, I’m in it for experience and to hone my prowess.
This is one of my good ideas, not going to lie, and due to the circumstances, this round, I chose not to faux review (I mean c’mon, you got a 50-50 chance of guessing right, and those chances can be slightly jilted once you know my general game plan when it comes to my entries. I’m bad at reviewing already, so a faux-review would be practically a flag waving ‘I’m here!’. Not that it mattered anyways, no guesses were made.
No, I choose to take this elsewhere for a formal review. No fault of anyone, of course (I admit that there are times that I should be doing more for the Writeoff, instead of spamming fics). For me, this is simple enough that with a few little tweaks that this will be Fimfic worthy. My hope is to publish it in May (just setting a goal for myself).
Counterfeit Image
Not feeling well today, so I'll make this one quick and leave the yakking for another time.
>>thebandbrony
The latter part wasn't covered in my faux-post. Thank you for the advice on how to make the emotional tones stronger in that scene, as the impact of a failing a piece she was prevoiusly able to do rather than chords would speak more in volumes.
>>PinoyPony
BEGONE THOT
>>Baal Bunny
>>Heavy_Mole
That always seems to be the conundrum with my writing lately: where to begin and where to stop. Why use lot word when few do trick? Maybe I should work backwards as Heavy_Mole says. I notice that I can think of good beginnings, but the endings need a lot of work. But, with the advice both of you given, I have a better idea of what I need to do. Thanks for the advice! You have no idea how much I needed it!
Verdict
Good try, but not far up on my list of edits due to huge technical errors. But, not entirely dropped either.
Not feeling well today, so I'll make this one quick and leave the yakking for another time.
>>thebandbrony
The latter part wasn't covered in my faux-post. Thank you for the advice on how to make the emotional tones stronger in that scene, as the impact of a failing a piece she was prevoiusly able to do rather than chords would speak more in volumes.
>>PinoyPony
BEGONE THOT
>>Baal Bunny
>>Heavy_Mole
That always seems to be the conundrum with my writing lately: where to begin and where to stop. Why use lot word when few do trick? Maybe I should work backwards as Heavy_Mole says. I notice that I can think of good beginnings, but the endings need a lot of work. But, with the advice both of you given, I have a better idea of what I need to do. Thanks for the advice! You have no idea how much I needed it!
Verdict
Good try, but not far up on my list of edits due to huge technical errors. But, not entirely dropped either.
Thank you, >>Monokeras for going first, it helps to know I'm not the only one finding this... discombobulating.
Now, you will have the luxury of peering into my thought process while going through this piece:
My first sign of trouble in comprehension was:
I had to look up the meaning off the words 'envoy' and 'oracle', even then, I'm still not getting what is happening in this sentence. But then:
Oh, now I see where this is going. Continue.
I've completely forgotten about this little gaggle that Ember had trouble differentiating the two ponies. It seems as the makers of the show were conspiring against the dragons from the start! You got me good! I was poised on the 'abstain' button, but then, a save! Woo!
Pardon these inane rattlings from a simpleton. But, if I may, there's nothing quite like a good laugh nowadays...
Thanks be, for writing!
Now, you will have the luxury of peering into my thought process while going through this piece:
My first sign of trouble in comprehension was:
The envoy admitted that he didn’t grasp the oracle
I had to look up the meaning off the words 'envoy' and 'oracle', even then, I'm still not getting what is happening in this sentence. But then:
“He has seated two ponies who are exactly identical next to one another at the head of the table, trying to sabotage our mission.”
Oh, now I see where this is going. Continue.
“But I’m Tailgate Fluttersparkle!” cried a multicolored pegasus at the rear, as loudly as the force of her low voice could muster.
I've completely forgotten about this little gaggle that Ember had trouble differentiating the two ponies. It seems as the makers of the show were conspiring against the dragons from the start! You got me good! I was poised on the 'abstain' button, but then, a save! Woo!
Pardon these inane rattlings from a simpleton. But, if I may, there's nothing quite like a good laugh nowadays...
Thanks be, for writing!
I love a good Derpy! :derpytongue: (I hope that's correct, otherwise I'm on my keister also with this one!)
One wonders what she sees what she sees daily, as she sees... well... double! Does it drive her mad? Obviously not, since she just keeps on keeping on her route, trying to do her job with as much grace as she can.
Thanks for writing!
One wonders what she sees what she sees daily, as she sees... well... double! Does it drive her mad? Obviously not, since she just keeps on keeping on her route, trying to do her job with as much grace as she can.
Thanks for writing!
This one does have a emotional core to it, one, I unfortunately relate to. Unfortunately, it has some technical issues that need re-worked. I get that Coloratura is having a hard time in her career, and that's great and all, but the Applejack resolve seems to quick. In fact, I think I have to echo what >>thebandbrony said. I get that AJ is her childhood foalhood? friend, but what is AJ doing in this scene? It seems all disjointed, and as thebandbrony said, it seems lifted from a larger fic.
Another thing that bothers me is that the relation to the prompt seems loose, even last minute. I feel like the part about looking at her photographs seems spliced in there so this piece may be entered. Again, revisiting the 'lifted from a larger fic' mentioned before.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. I guess my advice to you is that you've got a good emotional piece here, but the relation of her work life and her emotions needs to be re-worked. Just focus on that and you'll be just fine!
Thanks for writing!
Another thing that bothers me is that the relation to the prompt seems loose, even last minute. I feel like the part about looking at her photographs seems spliced in there so this piece may be entered. Again, revisiting the 'lifted from a larger fic' mentioned before.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. I guess my advice to you is that you've got a good emotional piece here, but the relation of her work life and her emotions needs to be re-worked. Just focus on that and you'll be just fine!
Thanks for writing!
At first, I'm thinking... it's a dream. But, the next idea tossed my way is that it is Discord. The letter from him appearing and reappearing did nothing to confirm/deny the idea of this being a dream (But, if I may add, I like the humor in him sending a letter saying 'It wasn't me!'). Turns out its just Twilight messing with something she shouldn't have.
Personally, I feel like this one is all over the place. True, Twilight messing with quantum physics can open up a world of unknowns and twisty physics. I can see how gamma rays and Celestia's hooves falling into floorboards I can wrap my mind around it, but I'd like an explanation about the double Lunas or this 'cat' they mention (I feel like this is supposed to be a reference, but unfortunately, the thing's gone completely over my head).
Perhaps I'm overthinking this one. If so, just ignore me.
Thanks for writing!
Personally, I feel like this one is all over the place. True, Twilight messing with quantum physics can open up a world of unknowns and twisty physics. I can see how gamma rays and Celestia's hooves falling into floorboards I can wrap my mind around it, but I'd like an explanation about the double Lunas or this 'cat' they mention (I feel like this is supposed to be a reference, but unfortunately, the thing's gone completely over my head).
Perhaps I'm overthinking this one. If so, just ignore me.
Thanks for writing!
First thing I like is how the seamstress (trying to reach for a word other than dressmaker, but 'seamstress' doesn't feel right either) has mentioned that she studied changeling anatomy, obviously showing its usefulness in her current project. It shows how deep of thought went into this piece.
Also... the metaphor of 'bayonet and butter knife' is a nice touch! Ooh!
So, as for terms of improvement, I was a little disoriented while reading this, the lack of context of whom Chyrsalis is getting married to (unless I completely missed it, in which, ignore my insolence), and the time period. I'm guessing it is not in the past, since she mentions the 'First Invasion of Canterlot' and obviously, Palette is pony (unless she is not, which, the same warning applies from before). But, if it is in the future, then this has the task of some explaining to do, as last I checked, Chyrsalis was a statue.
But... that just could be me.
Thanks for writing!
Also... the metaphor of 'bayonet and butter knife' is a nice touch! Ooh!
So, as for terms of improvement, I was a little disoriented while reading this, the lack of context of whom Chyrsalis is getting married to (unless I completely missed it, in which, ignore my insolence), and the time period. I'm guessing it is not in the past, since she mentions the 'First Invasion of Canterlot' and obviously, Palette is pony (unless she is not, which, the same warning applies from before). But, if it is in the future, then this has the task of some explaining to do, as last I checked, Chyrsalis was a statue.
But... that just could be me.
Thanks for writing!
It’s Retro Time!
So, a little bit of context, I first started out with a piece that had to do with Rainbow Dash being trained as a ‘dreamwalker’ by Princess Luna. But, in paraphrased words of a deleted comment on this thread, ‘shook itself to pieces’. I had no definite conflict, nor a ending. The fic so far was just Princess Luna stroking Rainbow’s ego by listing the reasons why she was the perfect canidate out of the mane six to take up dreamwalking. Alas, and the final nail in the coffin was that the idea was already taken up on fimfic .
Late into the round, I switched tracks, and some of the elements that I’ve gone over bled into this piece, Midnight Refuge. Hence, why Flurry is portrayed as an athlete, and not so much as an academic.
Enough backstory. Let’s get to it!
>>Baal Bunny
Pinoy’s tell in the rounds are incorrect dialogue tags
As you can already tell, this was rushed. Not terribly rushed, but enough to the point where the polishing was completely mulled over. Note to self: set some time aside to show the entry some TLC.
The major problem, however, is what you pointed out: the logistics of the fic. The original idea is that Flurry was given the responsibility to notify her parents (she is in adolescence, so she has enough volition to show whether or not she has the character to admit her faults)(also, this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoTIcwHK_aw was working subliminally), but then again, that whole idea is shifty.
Altogether, I need to rethink the idea. Keep the core (Flurry has cheated on an exam and feels guilty), but rework the reason why she’s going to Twilight’s.
Thanks for the Review!
>>Rao
Writes down ‘Rao has a fetish’
It gives me an extra boost to know that even with the distracting errors of the fic, it doesn’t completely drown out the picturesque and aesthetic to it. However, that is not to say that this needs a fine coat of polish.
Good point on the fact that the conversation between Twilight and Flurry seems forced. I guess that’s because I was trying to work quickly (running on a deadline). I may need to spend more time to make the interaction a little more natural.
Thanks for the review!
>>Winston
I’m glad that the ‘cool aunt’ portrayal managed to shine through the muddy waters of the fic.
The idea was that Flurry was going to Twilight’s to hide from her parents. Her portrayal in this story mirrored more of Dash’s: confident, but can be a pinch arrogant at times. Hence, she was afraid, but not paralyzed. She chooses to do something rather than nothing, and decides that the best place to go is Twilight’s. But, then again, a long train ride can be filled with second thoughts.
The original thought behind Twilight and Flurry’s conversation was that getting the truth out of Flurry is getting blood from a stone. She would dance around the problem, but not openly admit until confronted with it. The conversation is what I need to re-work, as Rao pointed out.
Thanks for Reviewing!
Verdict:
Backlogged due to other projects, but close to the front of the line due to the how good the idea is in general. Plus, will take a while to re-work as there are still many issues. But, in due time, it’ll shine through. :twilightsmile: :flurrysmile:
So, a little bit of context, I first started out with a piece that had to do with Rainbow Dash being trained as a ‘dreamwalker’ by Princess Luna. But, in paraphrased words of a deleted comment on this thread, ‘shook itself to pieces’. I had no definite conflict, nor a ending. The fic so far was just Princess Luna stroking Rainbow’s ego by listing the reasons why she was the perfect canidate out of the mane six to take up dreamwalking. Alas, and the final nail in the coffin was that the idea was already taken up on fimfic .
Late into the round, I switched tracks, and some of the elements that I’ve gone over bled into this piece, Midnight Refuge. Hence, why Flurry is portrayed as an athlete, and not so much as an academic.
Enough backstory. Let’s get to it!
>>Baal Bunny
As you can already tell, this was rushed. Not terribly rushed, but enough to the point where the polishing was completely mulled over. Note to self: set some time aside to show the entry some TLC.
The major problem, however, is what you pointed out: the logistics of the fic. The original idea is that Flurry was given the responsibility to notify her parents (she is in adolescence, so she has enough volition to show whether or not she has the character to admit her faults)(also, this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoTIcwHK_aw was working subliminally), but then again, that whole idea is shifty.
Altogether, I need to rethink the idea. Keep the core (Flurry has cheated on an exam and feels guilty), but rework the reason why she’s going to Twilight’s.
Thanks for the Review!
>>Rao
It gives me an extra boost to know that even with the distracting errors of the fic, it doesn’t completely drown out the picturesque and aesthetic to it. However, that is not to say that this needs a fine coat of polish.
Good point on the fact that the conversation between Twilight and Flurry seems forced. I guess that’s because I was trying to work quickly (running on a deadline). I may need to spend more time to make the interaction a little more natural.
Thanks for the review!
>>Winston
I’m glad that the ‘cool aunt’ portrayal managed to shine through the muddy waters of the fic.
The idea was that Flurry was going to Twilight’s to hide from her parents. Her portrayal in this story mirrored more of Dash’s: confident, but can be a pinch arrogant at times. Hence, she was afraid, but not paralyzed. She chooses to do something rather than nothing, and decides that the best place to go is Twilight’s. But, then again, a long train ride can be filled with second thoughts.
The original thought behind Twilight and Flurry’s conversation was that getting the truth out of Flurry is getting blood from a stone. She would dance around the problem, but not openly admit until confronted with it. The conversation is what I need to re-work, as Rao pointed out.
Thanks for Reviewing!
Verdict:
Backlogged due to other projects, but close to the front of the line due to the how good the idea is in general. Plus, will take a while to re-work as there are still many issues. But, in due time, it’ll shine through. :twilightsmile: :flurrysmile:
To add on GGA's post, string theory!
Kitty loves it, you can see it right in their expression! That, plus the yarn is a nice touch (I can't draw tangles like that to save my life, except a scribbly ball).
Now, the problem is getting untangled... hmm...
Kitty loves it, you can see it right in their expression! That, plus the yarn is a nice touch (I can't draw tangles like that to save my life, except a scribbly ball).
Now, the problem is getting untangled... hmm...
I wonder what they are listening to? Caramelladansen (I know, I butchered the name, I'm not well-versed in Weeb just yet.) might be it.
Fairly simple, but simple I like! The strobe lights are cleverly put it, and upon closer look, you can see some hidden, just like if you were in the room with them!
Fairly simple, but simple I like! The strobe lights are cleverly put it, and upon closer look, you can see some hidden, just like if you were in the room with them!
Psychadelic! (I hope I'm spelling that correct... or the alternate... it's not a word and I'm the one having problems).
I wonder, how many different smiles did you use to make this one? Also, I wonder what program/tool was used to fractal this? (If you don't want to say, then I understand, a good magician never reveals their tricks).
I wonder, how many different smiles did you use to make this one? Also, I wonder what program/tool was used to fractal this? (If you don't want to say, then I understand, a good magician never reveals their tricks).
Paging WIP