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Looking Back · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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Ordeal of Orpheus
Lyra gazed onward as the monolith doors opened, the. Trickling like blood down through the crevasses of the doors, through ornate paths carved out, the door glowed with an other-worldly monument.

She had recalled depictions in textbooks of the door to Tartarus. To actually gaze upon the image ―or more accurately, the sister’s image ― sent a feeling of unease vibrating through Lyra’s frail body.

Would she be able to make the trip?

Her answer came sooner than imagined, with a towering alicorn by her side, waving the way in, without a word.

Lyra clasped the amulet around her neck with wrinkly hooves as she proceeded toward the gaping mouth of the cavern.

The towering alicorn had wrapped the amulet around her neck and instructed her that it was a shield against the forces of the Underworld beyond the doors. No sooner had she given the instructions, she gave another warning; “As you travel the tunnel, do not look back.”

Lyra shivered. “What happens if I do?”

“I will not recite the consequence of such, for it cannot be described except by the dead.” Twilight said. “However, it suffices to say that you are a foreign intruder into the body of Equestria. Whether benign or malignant, the body attacks any intruder.” Her gaze hardened. “You don’t belong in their world, and neither does their world belong in ours. The medallion I gave you acts like a passport and allows you to stay for a short time.”

Lyra shivered for the second time. She clasped the medallion close to her.

Twilight blazed the path, staying to the left of her, shouldering the weight of a pack she had prepared earlier.

As soon as they got closer, Lyra, through her old eyes saw the mouth of the cavern strangely translucent with warbling sheet of gray, much like that of watching a tide pool on stormy day. Twilight stepped through first, and having no other choice but to follow, Lyra stepped through.

A surge of cold ran through her bones, like a gust of wind stealing your breath. Twilight, with the dim light of her horn, instructed, “wait.”

Lyra stood still for a moment, then the teensiest pop reach her ears. As she listened closer, she recognized hoovesteps echoing across the cavern walls.

As soon as the figure came into view, Lyra’s fur bristled. A pony, presumably earth or pegasus, approached the two of them, keeping their head down while holding a lantern up. Only their mouth was shown underneath the eaves of their hood.

Lyra looked to Twilight uncertainly, and Twilight smiled. “Be brave, Lyra, this is the hardest part.”

The figure was closer now, and as she reached the base of the cave, she set the lantern down and undid her hood.

Lyra’s fear melted into warmth as she gazed upon a young face of a mare she knew years ago.

“Applejack?” Her raspy voice called out.

The mare nodded. Twilight waved out. “Applejack is the gatekeeper of the other side. She will help you through the tunnel.”

Lyra proceeded slowly, as did Twilight, who set the saddlebags down at the foot of a stalagmite.

“May I?” Lyra asked, waving out a wrinkled foreleg to the orange mare.

Applejack nodded. Lyra touched her ear and yelped. “Corporeal?”

“There is a lot to explain.” Applejack said. “All in due time, Sugarcube.” She glanced at Twilight and said, “We shall be off.”

Twilight nodded and exited the cavern. Lyra wanted to peek back to see where Twilight was headed, but Applejack grabbed her by the jaw. “Remember, Sugarcube. Do not look back.”

Lyra heard the doors close behind them. She gulped.

Applejack picked up the lantern and the saddlebags, and motioned to the sprawling cavern floor riddled with stalagmites and stalactites “Let’s begin.”




Lyra saw light at the end of the tunnel. Warm, golden light. She picked up the pace and chased after it. The medallion on her neck bounded up and down and glinted across the cavern walls.

Applejack softly chuckled as the picked up her gait to keep up. “Excited, are we?”

“Sooner we get out of the tunnel, sooner I don’t have to worry about the temptation to look back, right?” Lyra asked.

“Correct.” Applejack nodded.

They emerged from the coolness of it into the warm light. Lyra took in her surroundings. Both of them were atop a jutting ridge, with the tunnel sticking out of the mountainside like a sheathed sword. Beyond them was a train station milling about with ponies. A train, a spitting dead ringer of the Friendship Express, pulled into the station. On the station’s signs in western letters, it said; Jackalope Plateau.

“Where are we?” Lyra asked.

“Underworld, sugarcube.” Applejack said, trotting down the switchback slope that led down to the train station.

Catching up, Lyra asked, “No, seriously, Jackalope Plateau?”

Applejack suddenly halted, causing Lyra bumping into her rump. Applejack shot a withering look at Lyra. “You don’t like the name?”

Lyra stammered. “N-no. I-I mean when we are saying Underworld, I thought everything was going to be in a cavern.”

Applejack smiled. “We get that a lot. Underworld meanin’ that this is a mirror of the world you belong to; the land of the livin’.” She chuckled. “Twilight can explain to you the weird physics of it, ah personally have no interest in that mumbo-jumbo.”

“Okay.” Lyra said. Satisfied, she followed Applejack down the switchbacks. They stepped onto the wooden platform, and Lyra was thankful to be finally feeling something other than dirt or gravel.

Applejack strode up to the counter and fished in her saddlebags. She produced a paper and slid it under the window. The ticket mare nodded and smiled. She shouted something over to Lyra, but she didn’t hear.

“What?” Lyra asked.

Applejack said, “She said; welcome to the Underworld, Ms. Heartstrings. Enjoy your stay.”

“Oh, thank you.” Lyra said.

“The train will take you where you need to go and Applejack will guide you.” The ticket mare said from behind the window.

Applejack motioned for her to follow. She helped Lyra past the threshold and into one of the cars. She felt surprising limber for such a task. None of her old bones had popped or creaked as she hopped in.

The train lurched, slowly picking up speed. She took a seat next to Applejack and asked, “Where are we headed?”

“Dashdale.” Applejack answered.

“What’s Dashdale?”

“Largest city in the Underworld.” Applejack said. “That’s where Bon-Bon resides.”

“How long is it?”

“Not long.” Applejack said. “Just sit tight.”

Lyra and Applejack sat quietly, Lyra passively eavesdropping on the ponies around her. Then, she noticed something unusual. She stared at her hooves. They weren’t hers. She wanted to call out, but no words came out. It wasn’t frightening, per se, just an oddity, something she was keenly aware of.

Then she caught a glimpse of her reflection in the window as the train passed through the tunnel. She surged awake.

“What’s wrong, Sugarcube?” Applejack asked.

“I-I’m I’m young!” She shouted in disbelief. She rubbed her face and gasped when she felt no wrinkles.

“Oh yeah. The tunnel was enchanted by Mistmane. As a gift from her, everypony in the Underworld is beautified.” Applejack said.

“Interesting.” Lyra said. “I was wondering why you looked so young.”

Applejack nodded. “It’s an adjustment, but you’ll get used to it.”

Lyra peered outside and gasped. The train was crossing a suspension bridge over a gaping chasm flowing with a river. Beyond her was several plates of land jutting out of the water beneath like rocks amidst a waterfall. Each stone was decorated with different colors and buildings as far as the eye could see.

Over the intercom, the conductor’s voice announced, “pulling into Pie Villa in five minutes.”

“Pie Villa?” Lyra asked, seeing the technicolor cottages, looking like Ponyville, only a little more sugary.

“Pinkie’s island.” Applejack said. “Just a couple more stops.”

“So, you mean to tell me that each island around here is a representation of the elements of harmony?”

“Yep.” Applejack said. “Mah island, Jackalope Plateau, is the island of honesty.” She chuckled. “It’s good that the entrance to the world of the living is located on mah island. Good to keep honest ponies honest when crossin’ the border.”

Lyra never thought of it that way. “Has there been ponies from the Underworld that visited the land of the living?”

Applejack shook her head. “Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way, Sugarcube.”

The train started again from the station, and headed over another bridge.

“If I got it correct, Bon-Bon is on the island of loyalty?” Lyra asked.

“Eeyup.” Applejack said. “She resides there, but comes to Jackalope Plateau to work.”

“Interesting.” Lyra said. She held the medallion in her hoof and studied it.

“Your key to the Underworld.” Applejack said.

The same exact words that Twilight used. Lyra turned to Applejack. “What does that mean, ‘key to the Underworld’?”

“Don’t look back is a warning, in more than one ways than one.” Applejack said. “Familiar with how Tartarus is locked with a master key?”

Lyra nodded. “You and your friends got locked in that one time by Cozy Glow.”

Applejack blushed. “Anyways, Twilight figures out a way to visit the dead. Using the same principles of the gate of Tartarus, she fashioned a key with special enchantments. She told me it’s a little more rustic than the key of Tartarus but it works as long as you follow the rules.”

“Don’t look back.” Lyra said.

“Yep.” Applejack said. “One of the many reasons why ya don’t look back is because that little doodad needs alignment or somethin’ like that. Facin’ away closes the doors behind you, while facin’ towards opens them. By looking back, it messes with doors, either trapping you or letting something loose that shouldn’t be let out.”

Lyra nodded.

“Five minutes to Dashdale.” The conductor said over the intercom.

“That’s us.” Applejack picked up the saddlebags and headed towards the door. Lyra followed.

Once the train stopped, Applejack hopped out. Lyra was about to wait for assistance, but then remembered, her age had been reversed. She hopped out the same way, feeling a rush of adrenaline she hadn’t felt in years.

Lyra saw Applejack move away just in time for a blur of yellow, pink, and blue run at her and embrace her. “Lyra!”

“Bon-Bon!” Lyra hugged back. “I missed you so much!”

Bon-Bon broke away from the embrace and looked Lyra in the eye. “We have a lot to catch up on. What has it been? A year?”

“A year.” Lyra nodded.

“It’s hard to keep track here.” Bon-Bon said. “So, what shall we do first?”

Lyra’s stomach growled. “Get something to eat?”

Bon-Bon frowned. “Erm… well…. I… I mean…” She sighed. “The dead don’t eat.”

“What?” Lyra said.

Applejack reached into her pack. She tossed a daisy sandwich over. “Well, that technically isn’t the truth, we can still eat, it’s just that we don’t experience any hunger, so most of us don’t.”

Lyra looked at the sandwich. She tore it into two. “Well, that’s good to hear. I wanted to share a sandwich with my bestie.”


“How weird was it arriving on the first day?” Lyra asked.

“Very weird. I woke up in the fields just outside of Jackalope Plateau.” Bon-Bon said, taking another fry.

Applejack had so kindly fetched them food from generosity island. In the meantime, Bon-Bon had told her how weird the Underworld was. Admittedly, she expected it to be a dreary cavern, but it had a sky just like Equestria.

“That, and getting used to the fact that I didn’t need to eat or sleep, it was weird, like I felt numb.” Bon-Bon said. “But, then again, there is no pain here. You can jump off a cliff or step in front of the train and be unharmed.”

“Wow.” Lyra said. She eyed Bon-Bon cautiously. “Wait, did you try…”

“No. Just word of mouth. Though I went sky-diving with some pegasi the other day.” Bon-Bon smiled.

Lyra took another bite of the spaghetti and wheatballs, feeling slightly bad for hogging it all. Though, altogether, Bon-Bon didn’t seem to mind. She wasn’t hungry, just enjoying the company of a friend.

“Who knew that a month ago, I was as ancient as dust, only to be reborn in a limber body, sitting by my best friend, reliving our youth?” Lyra asked.

“The Underworld is a weird place.” Bon-Bon said. “But unfortunately, this isn’t youth.”

“What is it then?” Lyra asked.

Bon-Bon smiled. But, it was a smile that Lyra recognized masking anguish. Lyra surged up from the picnic blanket. “What’s wrong?”

“Walk with me to the pond.” Bon-Bon said, motioning down to the water, reflecting the ambience of the noon sun as they approached.

Bon-Bon’s lissome figure stopped near the edge, tufts of unkempt and wild grass climbing up her cream hooves. Her cerulean eyes, heavy with a mixture of relaxation yet grief met Lyra’s. Lyra approached her carefully.

“Do you know what happens when you enter the Underworld, as a dead pony?” Bon-Bon asked.

Lyra shook her head.

Bon-Bon trotted around her and lifted up her left foreleg. She reached for the sky and revealed an ‘x’ over her heart. It was no scar, nor a stitch, but much like a cutie mark of a four-pointed star.

Lyra blanched.

Bon-Bon sighed. “This world removes pain, our ability to feel hurt and to be mended. But, it comes at a terrible price.”

Lyra’s eyes widened.

“By removing pain, you also remove the ability to love.” Bon-Bon said. “I-I just feel so numb.”
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#1 · 1
· · >>PinoyPony
Lots of good stuff here:

I love the world-building aspect of the story, how the underworld is set up and all that, but, as for the story itself, I find myself with a lot of questions.

The story keeps giving us the impression that this is a rare and dangerous thing that Lyra is doing, and yet I don't understand why she's doing it. I assume that her overwhelming love for Bon-Bon is driving her to transcend death itself just to see her again, but the way she's presented, I don't see much emotion from her at all. I want to feel her desperation, feel the iron-clad determination that has led her to do whatever she has to do to make this trip. Right now, I'm not seeing anything like that.

Also, we keep hearing about how dangerous this trip is, but Applejack and the ticket agent seem to imply that living ponies come through fairly often: AJ says, "We get that a lot" when Lyra's asking questions, and the ticket agent says,"Enjoy your stay," not something I think she'd say to somepony who'd died and was coming to live there permanently. Along those same lines, I had assumed the pack holds supplies for Lyra, but after AJ gives her a sandwich from the pack, we get another line about AJ getting Lyra food from Generosity Island.

And the warning not to look back is like a Chekov's gun that never fires. Having ponies talk about it so many times and then not having anything happen with it builds up suspense that goes nowhere. So I'd recommend making Lyra much more emotional throughout: the love of her life has died, but she refuses to let anything on earth or in the underworld stop her from seeing Bon-Bon again. And then at the end, when it turns out that Bon-Bon literally can't love her anymore, she turns away, looks back, and either blows the whole place up or has todealwitht he consequences of her actions in a way that finally allows her to let Bon-Bon go. Something, at any rate, to give the story the ending that it doesn't quite have now.

Like I said, the ideas here are great. Just let yourself explore them and the characters more deeply—underworld humor!—and see where they take you.

Mike
#2 · 1
· · >>PinoyPony
Congrats on another well done story, Pinoy! Your pacing unfolded at a luxurious pace--given an expansion of the story, I’d love to see what you do with the “don’t look back” clause. The necessity of removing love in order to also remove pain is a fascinating idea in our current world climate, and it’s something the underworld setting would be just perfect for. I sincerely hope you flesh this out for fimfic--it’s a feature boxer waiting to pop!
#3 ·
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TLDR: There are several problems with the fic at this point, but at least the world building is solid.

>>Baal Bunny

Immediately, after the prompt was given, it took me a while to get an idea for this round, and that’s what crippled me in the end. Ultimately, I wanted to do and Orpheus “Don’t look back” lest your lover is stolen away to the Underworld again, this time permanently. But, due to the flurry of ideas in my head, that was not communicated well.

What took most of that umph away was the immediate decompress provided by the ambience of the underworld, and the friendliness of it. By the end of it, I closed it off with Bon-Bon not being able to feel anything, not even love and was done with the entry. I wasn’t happy with it, for it lacked a lot of things. Not necessarily a bad piece per se, but I need to give it a lot more love.

Thank you for the review though, truly! It takes a lot to go the extra mile to review in a round where you’ve missed the submit deadline! I will be sure to give your story a read! :twilightsmile:

>>thebandbrony

Truth be told, I was about to backlog this in the drawer of my various unfinished pieces, but with what you just said, brought it up close the front of the line. I will see what I can do to expand and to add a little more to the main focuses of the story: love and pain, and the clause of “Don’t look back.”