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Gone by Morning · FiM Short Story ·
Organised by RogerDodger
Word limit 2000–8000
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Midnight Refuge
“Tickets, Please.” The conductor held out his hoof.

Flurry stopped midway from reaching into her bag and pulling out her student ID. Instead, she pulled out the stub that she ordered from the counter earlier. She’d never had ordered a ticket from the booth pony before, but they were kind enough to walk her through how it worked.

The conductor took her ticket, ripped off the part with a perforated edge, then gave it back. Flurry stuffed it in her saddlebags, not bothering to look away from the window.

As she stared at the reflection of the conductor moving away down the aisle and into the next train car, she sighed in relief.

The landscape outside seemed barren, an occasional pine tree would pass by, covered in deep snow of the north. The trees were getting more and more frequent, and with each passing one, Flurry was questioning if such a trip was worth it. Wasting coal just for a trip she decided to take on a whim. She dared a peek at the train car, finding all the other aisles empty.

The only pony aboard seemed to be her, minus a couple workers that passed through, seemily zombified and half-asleep. Other than that, nothing but the cold, artificial light of cabin accompanied her.

She enjoyed solitude occasionally. Now, the isolation seemed to torture her every second she was here. Flurry stared at the ground of the train car, trying to get the words that were seared in her skull out of her mind. “Flurry Heart, we need you and your parents to attend a meeting on the seventeenth of May. Failure to do so will result in―”

She could practically see the headline reach the front-page news; Princess Flurry Heart of the Crystal Empire fails to pass the final exam for her third year…

The question often crossed her mind “Why did my parents send me to a private school? Why couldn’t Sunburst teach her everything she needed to learn?” Their answer? “Flurry Heart, magic cannot be learned from books. It can only be learned in the same way your aunt was taught: making friends. The magic of friendship cannot be learned alone.”

Her next retort was saying that Sunburst was her friend and she could learn it from him, but they answered back that as good as Sunburst was at teaching her friendship, she needed friends her age.

“Hot Chocolate, miss?” A voice asked.

Flurry’s eyes dashed from the landscape to the reflection of the mare behind her. Through the low reflection, Flurry saw she was dressed in blue attire, signifying she was an employee of the train.

Flurry shook her head. “Mmht-mm.”

The mare nodded, then proceeded to make her way quietly to the next car.

Flurry stared at the landscape again, seeing some trees and grass on the way now. She checked her watch and read the time. 11:13. In forty-five minutes, she’d would be in Canterlot.

That would be, if she could keep her unquiet thoughts at bay. Each thought came and went, mocking and taunting her to break down, making her sick to her stomach.

She reached in her saddlebags and pulled out a rubber ball. She took a few deep breaths as she tossed it up and down. The thought crossed her mind that she should bounce it off the wall and ceiling to pass the time, but what if she broke something? She’d be in even more trouble than she was.

Growling at herself, she put the ball back in the saddlebags.

She’d just have to face her demons for another hour or so.




By the time the train arrived at the station, Flurry hurried out and bolted up the streets. Her heart was pumping out of her chest as she worked her way through the steep cobblestone streets of proper Canterlot. Far from the hustle an bustle of afternoon, the deserted streets channeled breezes and cold wind currents, carrying with them a stuffy, dusty scent.

Businesses of the downtown soon gave way to towering gates of the Canterlot elite. Far less clean-cut an organized, the sidewalk often disappeared and reappeared to the wishes of the contractors who built it, giving way to windy roads

She’d rushed through a tunnel, taking a shortcut through the campus of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns. Thankfully, the paths made more sense, and were aesthetically pleasing at the same time with a congruent set of paths, far from the mish-mash of the regal neighborhoods. The school meant one thing: she was near Canterlot Castle. Celestia had the school erected especially in the view of the castle so she could figuratively and literally ‘keep an eye’ on her students.

She caught her breath as she slowed at the towering spires of Canterlot Castle. The front gate loomed closer and closer, the jagged tips of the gate forbidding any pony who dared to break in via climbing the wall or the gate.

Far from the hostility of the outside, Flurry’s heart found comfort as she stared at the windows of the castle.

Flurry smiled as she gazed at the room alit. Every so often, she’d see a silhouette of a towering Alicorn with a billowing mane step across the window, pacing back and forth. One thing that Flurry never understood about her aunt is how she could stay up late hours of the night studying and poring over old texts and hard-to-read scrolls.

One thing was for sure, her aunt was awake… meaning that her doors were open― at least for family members― at this late hour.

Thankfully, her aunt wasn’t married, meaning that Flurry didn’t need to worry about anypony else sleeping. If anything, Twilight seemed to enjoy the life of a bachelorette, much like Celestia and Luna before they passed the right to rule over to her aunt.

“Who goes there?” A guard poised a spear and grumbled.

Flurry overturned her hood and glared at the guard. The guard lifted up his spear and gasped. “I will fetch the Princess, your majesty.”

As Flurry waited, the gate swung open slowly. Flurry proceed up the drive until she reached the door. On que, the door opened. A towering alicorn had just stepped out, wrapping herself in a white bath robe Immediately, she asked, “Flurry? What are you doing here at this hour?”

Flurry rushed up to her aunt and hugged her.

“Sorry for the lack of notice, aunt Twilight.” Flurry said. “Can I use your buckball court?” She blabbed

“Uhm, sure thing.” Twilight motioned for Flurry to come in.

“Sorry if I’m interrupting.” Flurry said.

“Nono. You’re fine. I was just doing some paperwork.” Twilight said, trotting through the foyer with Flurry.

Flurry never had seen the foyer― or the rest of the castle― in the evening before. Usually, the rooms were diffused with light at all hours of the day (Probably due to the architecture made specifically for Celestia keeping track of the sun throughout the day), Whereas the candlelight and glow-rocks embedded int the pristine marble seemed to allow the whole room to shine bright.

“What brings you here at this hour?” Twilight asked again.

“Oh, just wanting to get in some buckball practice. Privately, that is. The court is closed in the Empire, so I thought of the next best place.” Flurry answered.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. After sizing up Flurry, she smiled, shrugged, then inserted her horn into the back door. The door slid open, revealing the spacious back gardens and courts.

Twilight chuckled, waving her way out. “Go on ahead, I’ll get the lights on so you can see what you are doing.”

Flurry ran up to the gate, reached for the key behind the bush with her magic, undid the padlock on the gate, then rushed onto the concrete court. On que, the lights overhead flashed on, bathing the court in yellow light. They buzzed and clicked as the filaments from the high-powered glow-rocks heated up.

Flurry set her saddlebags next to the bleachers, and pulled out a buckball. She bounced the ball, and then flew into the air after it, catching it, and then throwing it into an imaginary basket. She missed the mark on the ground, growled, then tried again.

Twilight came, midway through, holding a hoof up to her temple to block the light out. After she spotted Flurry, she took a seat on the bleachers and watched.

“How’s your parents doing?” Twilight called out.

“Fine.” Flurry said, trying to concentrate on her next aim. Ugh… she missed the mark again.

“That’s good. How’s school going?” Twilight asked.

“Good.” Flurry said, growling at another miss. She tossed the ball over to Twilight. “Here, you throw, I can catch.”

Twilight shrugged as she eyed the ball. She proceeded to buck, then it flew throw the air. Flurry backed up and caught it, then threw it back.

“You know, it caught me by surprise that you were into buckball.” Twilight said, kicking the ball.

“Uh-huh” Flurry caught it again.

“But then again, I was also surprised that Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Snails were also very good at it.” Twilight said.

“Looks can deceive.” Flurry smiled.

“I was frustrated when I found out that you aren’t so much as an academic, as you are an athlete.” Twilight said. “But my friend Rainbow helped me come to terms that some ponies have different likes and dislikes.”

Flurry stayed silent.

“Okay, I’m out of breath, give me a moment.” Twilight said, catching her breath and taking a seat on the bleachers.

Flurry picked up the ball and ran to her. She took a seat next to her aunt.

“Sorry, Flurry, I need to get in better shape.” Twilight said in between deep breaths.

“You need to start sticking to a sleep schedule.” Flurry nudged her aunt.

“I should” Twilight admitted.

“So, other than wanting to use my private court, why did you take a trip all the way out here?” Twilight said.

“Just needed to get some air,” Flurry answered back quickly. “Couldn’t sleep.”

Twilight shook her head and frowned. Suddenly, her horn grew ablaze, and a parchment materialized in front of her “Did this keep you up?”

“How did you?” Flurry stopped herself midway. “Y-you know?”

“You forget that even if I’m not the head of Celestia’s School, I’m still distinguished as second-in-command.” Twilight set the paper down in the bleachers in front of them. “That, and I have a direct reporting of your grades and records at school.”

What was she thinking coming to aunt’s house, who was technical headmistress of her school? Oversight. “Sorry, I wasn’t thinking…”

“Wasn’t thinking?” Twilight growled. “Was that your same excuse when you were caught cheating?”

The words burned. Those few words seared on her memory. Tears came to Flurry’s eyes.

Suddenly, she felt a wind drape over her. Flurry shivered under her aunt’s wings.

“Flurry.” Twilight said, “Flurry. Look at me.”

Flurry looked up, sending tears running down her face. Even if her vision was blurry through moisture, she could make out a few details. Twilight didn’t have a look of condemnation, but not nearly a smile either.

“I’m not mad. I’m just concerned.” Twilight said. “Cheating is a serious thing. It robs others of their hard work and talent, and robs you of your learning. I’m wondering, what drove you to cheat?”

“I-I have been having a hard time at school.” Flurry said. “Books aren’t my thing. I-I just have to be doing something.”

“I know you aren’t inclined to read, but there are times in life that we must do things that we deem as mundane and boring.” Twilight started. “Rainbow had to learn it the hard way when she was in the hospital. I don’t enjoy sports as much as she does either, but it doesn’t get in the way of us being friends.”

“I know… it’s-it’s just so hard sometimes to keep up in my school work.” Flurry started. “I just wanted to get through this class, tick off the box, you know?”

“Wanting it to be over is another thing, but you also need to be well-rounded.” Twilight said. “But cheating? This is serious, Flurry. This could get you booted out of school if you aren’t careful.”

“I-I know. I just didn’t want mom and dad down, finding out I failed another class.” Flurry said.

“Well, think of how they’d feel now. Flurry, you need to go to them and tell them you are struggling.” Twilight said. “I know it hurts your pride to ask for help, but it gets you into bigger messes like this.”

“I know.” Flurry turned away. “That’s why I came here. Mom and Dad will kill me when they find out.”

“They won’t kill you, Flurry.” Twilight said. “They might be angry, but if you are upfront and honest about it, they’ll be thankful for your integrity.”

“Yeah, whatever integrity is left…” Flurry mumbled under her breath.

“Hey. Don’t do that.” Twilight nudged her. “That’s my niece you are talking about.”

Flurry curled up into a ball and sobbed.

“I know you came here because I’m a lot more permissive than your parents are.” Twilight said, pulling Flurry closer to her. “But, as your aunt and your friend, I’m trying to help you. What you did was wrong, and you need to fix it.”

“But how do I fix it?” Flurry waved her hooves out in frustration. “The Crystal Empire Times will be over this like Parasprites in a basket of fruit!”

“That, you can’t fix.” Twilight said. “You cannot change what others think of you, but you must not let that get in the way of doing what’s right. Focus on what you can do: admit to your parents of what you did, then go from there. It won’t be easy, but then again, we wouldn’t learn if it wasn’t easy.”

Twilight brushed her side with her wing. “Come, let’s get you back to your parents.”

Flurry sat and folded her forelegs and wings. “Can’t you tell them?”

“Nope.” Twilight snickered “That would be cheating. That, and plus, you can’t hide in my castle forever, playing buckball with your every whim, you wouldn’t learn anything.” She motioned, swinging her neck. “C’mon. If we go now, we’ll be back in the Empire by sunrise.”

Flurry walked through and waited as her aunt padlocked the gate.

As they walked out of the courtyard and then onto the cobblestone path leading down the castle gate, Twilight said, “Thank you, Flurry.”

“Why?” Flurry said, looking up at her aunt.

“It can get awfully lonely at night and between months when my friends are not around.” Twilight said. “I appreciate the company.”

As they approached the deserted downtown of Canterlot, the lampposts flanking the sides of the streets, Flurry started. “I know you can’t tell them for me, but can you help me? Give it a little push, perhaps?”

“I can’t sweet-talk them. Shining knows that his little sister can be a charmer, and Cadance knows that I was a mischievous filly when I was younger.” Twilight nudged Flurry. “And let’s just say that I’m not adorable anymore. But, this much I can do; I can tell the truth.”

They stopped by a lamppost that was illuminating a sign pointing the way to the train station.

“You okay, Flurry?” Twilight asked.

Flurry shook her head. She felt a bubbling in her stomach, rising up to her throat until she retched it out onto the ground. “I-I can’t do this. Just the thought ―” she coughed.

“Here,” Twilight summoned a cloth and a bottle of water, and gave it to Flurry.

While Flurry took a sip of water and spit it out, Twilight materialized some paper towels and cleaned up.

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” Flurry started.

Twilight threw the soiled towels into the trash. “It’s okay, Flurry. Take your time.”

Flurry felt Twilight guide her toward a bench near the light. It was cold, and the metal on the backing was uncomfortable, but Flurry didn’t want to stand. She felt sick to her stomach, like the time she spent way too long reading at the back of the cart, every slight jolt and lurch made her world spin and her stomach swirl.

Flurry was the least bit thankful that nopony was around to gawk at the scene. It was still the middle of the night, and the only ponies who were out at this hour was just her and her aunt.

“Sorry.” Flurry said again.

“Hey, what’d you say?” Twilight asked with a smirk.

“Sorry?” Flurry said quizzically, wiping her mouth.

“Hmm.” Twilight took a seat next to you. “Admitting to your parents your mistake will be easy like that! You’ve said ‘sorry’!”

Flurry frowned.

“Mind the crudeness of the metaphor, but admitting to your fault will just be like this! Not physically, Celestia forbid, but emotionally. It’s just best to get it out of your system.”

“Gee, thanks.” Flurry rolled her eyes.

“You doing better?” Twilight asked, ignoring that last statement.”

“A little bit.” Flurry said.

“Enough to walk?”

“Sure.” Flurry said finally. Part of her wanted to linger a bit more, delay getting on the train, but she knew she just needed this overwith.

“If you are feeling queasy, let me know.” Twilight said, propping a wing over Flurry, helping her hobble towards the train station.

When they stepped on the platform, Twilight looked on. “Okay, five minutes!”




Flurry kept her eyes on the passing landscape. She couldn’t bear to meet the eyes of Twilight, who was sitting across from her.

Twilight had brought along a book, some old ponish text that made Flurry give up trying to pronounce the title. Flurry sipped on the hot chocolate given to the them by the snack mare, or, more accurately, trying to sip the last few drops that remained on the grainy bottom of the Styrofoam cup.

“How are you feeling?” Twilight asked, for the umpteenth time.

“Great.” Flurry answered.

“Great.” Twilight smiled. This time, however, she shut the book.

Flurry found no use in trying to avoid the subject, she’d was rapidly approaching the time she had to finally admit to her parents what she did, and it was best to shave off whatever nerves and jitters she had; “Are you sure they won’t kill me?”

“If it helps, my brother could be immature when he was younger, so if he’s a pinch harsher than he needs to be, then I can always play that card.” Twilight winked. “I doubt I’ll need to use it. They’ll be just relieved to know you can talk to them. Much better if they find out coming from you than from checking the mail.”

Flurry looked back out the window. The sun was just starting to rise. She looked at Twilight, whose horn was glowing faintly.

“Is it hard raising the sun?” Flurry asked.

“At first. But, it’s like lifting weights.” Twilight tilted her head and poked Flurry on the chest. “Probably a metaphor you’d appreciate.”

“Actually, I don’t lift.” Flurry laughed. “Not my thing.”

“Oh?” Twilight chuckled “My bad.”




“You ready?” Twilight said, motioning to her parent’s bedroom door.

“As I’ll ever be.” Flurry smiled.

Twilight nodded and knocked.

Inside, they could hear a rustling of sheets and then hoofsteps approaching the door. The door swung open a hair, and a groggy male voice answered, “Yes… wait… Twily, what are you doing here?”

“It’s a long story.” Twilight answered. “But, I think you need to hear this. Flurry has something to say.”

The door opened further, and then her eyes met with the tired eyes of her father. She looked at Twilight, and asked, “You sure about this?”

“What’s this about?” He grumbled as he turned back to Twilight.

“Take it easy on her, she’s just had a rough night.” Twilight said softly. She

He turned back to Flurry and waited. He smiled softly and asked, “Flurry?”

“Dad… erm… there’s something I want to talk to you about.” Flurry started. Her eyes darted over to Twilight briefly. Twilight was smiling, and motioning for her to continue.

“Dad, I cheated on an exam.” Flurry spat out.

Her father’s eyes widened to the size of plates.

“Take it easy, Shining.” Twilight said.

“Give me a moment.” He closed the door slowly, then Flurry heard hoofsteps pacing around the room.

“I’m so dead.” Flurry said.

“Lighten up.” Twilight nudged her.




Twilight paced around the foyer. She hoped that her plea made it through to him. What Flurry did was wrong, alright, but she just did a tough thing admitting to a fault.

Suddenly, the doors burst open, and Twilight froze midstep, eager and anxious to see the result.

She smiled, tears coming to her eyes as she saw Flurry nestled in between her parents, her mother’s wing draped over her. Flurry was smiling, a spring in her step and as light as a feather.

“I take it they didn’t kill you?” Twilight asked.

“Grounded for a week.” Flurry frowned. “But very much alive, thank you.”

“A week? I got grounded for a month after using mom’s makeup in my chemistry set.” Twilight said. Flurry gave her a look as if to saw ‘don’t you dare!’

“It’s because you didn’t tell her at first.” Shining pointed out. Flurry sighed and then stuck out her tongue at Twilight.

“Touché.” Twilight shook her head. “So, what now?”

“Off to clear things up with her professor.” Shining grimaced.

“Well, I’d better get back to Canterlot. Those documents won’t sign themselves!” Twilight said, walking off with them.

Shining snickered. “No, sis, get some rest.”

Twilight looked at Flurry, who winked at her.

“I will take that into consideration then.” Twilight said.

As they exited the castle and head down the steps towards the station, Shining leaned over and said, “Oh, and on the slight chance that Flurry comes to your house during the wee hours of the night, catching you awake, I’ll send mom and dad over to crash your party.”
Pics
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#1 · 1
· · >>PinoyPony
The basic story here:

Is a nice one, but the execution needs a lot of work. Things like sentence construction, for instance: “I will take that into consideration then.” Twilight said. needs a comma after "then", not a period since the dialogue tag has a "speaking" verb in it, and that same mistake happens all over the place throughout. Word choice, too: it's the "floor" of a train car, not the "ground", and "On que" should be "On cue".

Even the logistics need some rethinking. If Flurry was caught cheating at Celestia's School, why is she taking the train from the Crystal Empire to Canterlot? Did the administration give her a note to take home to her parents, and she went all the way there, then turned around and came back? I just need a better idea of the sequence of events for it all to make sense to me.

Let me also suggest that maybe the story might be stronger if Flurry cheats and gets away with it. If it's her guilty conscience that drives her onto the midnight train to Canterlot, that gives her a lot more "agency" as they say. It's then her active choices that drive the story along instead of her passive reactions.

Mike
#2 · 1
· · >>PinoyPony
Man, I feel like this was written with the explicit, specific intent to appeal to me, Rao, above all else. Hooded princess taking a midnight melancholy train ride to an older relative in a distant capitol city for a heartfelt talk about a serious life issue? It even starts with a "tickets, please."

Sign me right the hell up. This is my jam.

However, esteemed colleague Baal is correct that there are some issues afoot. Some minor, like punctuation and general sentence structure, and some I hadn't even noticed until second read since I was so enamored with the train ride opening (I'm a sucker, what can I say?).

The biggest thing I can add to Baal's comment is that the conversion between Twi and Flurry feels a bit stilted; too formal for family, maybe. Hard to put an exact finger on it.

But complaints aside, there's definitely some cool, non-specifically-Rao's-fetish stuff here.
Usually, the rooms were diffused with light at all hours of the day (Probably due to the architecture made specifically for Celestia keeping track of the sun throughout the day)

This is a really cool explanation for why there are so many stained glass windows all over the castle, by way of example. All the environmental details are solid, from the frozen outskirts giving way to a thicker treeline to the illuminated buckball court.
#3 · 1
· · >>PinoyPony
Interesting take on Flurry Heart being an athlete far more than a student.

Unfortunately, I have to echo the previous reviews. There's a lot of, to be honest, ham-fisted writing in this draft. Some of it is in the purely technical aspects (grammar, spelling, general proof-reading issues). Some of it is in the way the characters are handled. The best way I think I can describe the negatives in that regard is that I get a sense of laying it on too thick and single-dimensionally. Sure, Flurry is scared, I get it. That certainly needs to be the focus, but it goes perhaps too far when it feels like that fear is all there is to her in this story. It just feels a little overdriven.

On the other hand, I like Twilight as the "cool" aunt. That's the real prize of the story for me, so I appreciate that aspect being so central. Most of their interaction, I feel, does pretty much everything right. If you plan to revise this story, take that core piece, maybe expand on it, and as Baal Bunny says, add some additional agency to Flurry's character. One possible way to start toward this would be to have a more real-world take on the education system - usually student information like grades (or disciplinary issues, importantly for this story) can't be released to anyone who's not the student or a guardian. Twilight probably wouldn't have any way of knowing that Flurry cheated, so Flurry would have to make the choice to tell Twilight of her own volition.
#4 ·
·
It’s Retro Time!

So, a little bit of context, I first started out with a piece that had to do with Rainbow Dash being trained as a ‘dreamwalker’ by Princess Luna. But, in paraphrased words of a deleted comment on this thread, ‘shook itself to pieces’. I had no definite conflict, nor a ending. The fic so far was just Princess Luna stroking Rainbow’s ego by listing the reasons why she was the perfect canidate out of the mane six to take up dreamwalking. Alas, and the final nail in the coffin was that the idea was already taken up on fimfic .

Late into the round, I switched tracks, and some of the elements that I’ve gone over bled into this piece, Midnight Refuge. Hence, why Flurry is portrayed as an athlete, and not so much as an academic.

Enough backstory. Let’s get to it!

>>Baal Bunny

Pinoy’s tell in the rounds are incorrect dialogue tags

As you can already tell, this was rushed. Not terribly rushed, but enough to the point where the polishing was completely mulled over. Note to self: set some time aside to show the entry some TLC.

The major problem, however, is what you pointed out: the logistics of the fic. The original idea is that Flurry was given the responsibility to notify her parents (she is in adolescence, so she has enough volition to show whether or not she has the character to admit her faults)(also, this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoTIcwHK_aw was working subliminally), but then again, that whole idea is shifty.

Altogether, I need to rethink the idea. Keep the core (Flurry has cheated on an exam and feels guilty), but rework the reason why she’s going to Twilight’s.

Thanks for the Review!

>>Rao

Writes down ‘Rao has a fetish’

It gives me an extra boost to know that even with the distracting errors of the fic, it doesn’t completely drown out the picturesque and aesthetic to it. However, that is not to say that this needs a fine coat of polish.

Good point on the fact that the conversation between Twilight and Flurry seems forced. I guess that’s because I was trying to work quickly (running on a deadline). I may need to spend more time to make the interaction a little more natural.

Thanks for the review!

>>Winston

I’m glad that the ‘cool aunt’ portrayal managed to shine through the muddy waters of the fic.

The idea was that Flurry was going to Twilight’s to hide from her parents. Her portrayal in this story mirrored more of Dash’s: confident, but can be a pinch arrogant at times. Hence, she was afraid, but not paralyzed. She chooses to do something rather than nothing, and decides that the best place to go is Twilight’s. But, then again, a long train ride can be filled with second thoughts.

The original thought behind Twilight and Flurry’s conversation was that getting the truth out of Flurry is getting blood from a stone. She would dance around the problem, but not openly admit until confronted with it. The conversation is what I need to re-work, as Rao pointed out.

Thanks for Reviewing!

Verdict:

Backlogged due to other projects, but close to the front of the line due to the how good the idea is in general. Plus, will take a while to re-work as there are still many issues. But, in due time, it’ll shine through. :twilightsmile: :flurrysmile: