>>Xepher
>>Cassius
>>AndrewRogue
>>Cold in Gardez
>>GroaningGreyAgony
Thank you everyone for spending time on my prose. I apologize for being unable to submit a story conforming to a higher standard, but nano has taken its toll on me, and I had many ideas that I wanted to get down on paper but that didn't all quite fit together as nicely as they needed to.

I think this piece has many similarities with "I Am Very Glad, Because I'm Finally Back Home" by Edward Khil in that it's appreciable both as a work of art despite its apparent meaninglessness and as a joke. As I said in chat, Wheel from DDLC was part of my inspiration. I also took elements from Impossible Even Now and Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's a mess. It might be meaningless. But it was fun to write, even if it was painful to read. This is also probably going to end up as the capstone of my NaNoWriMo attempt.

I was not prepared for these feels.

I'm lost on this one. The ending confused me completely. There's a laughing motif that seems to imply it's actually crying, and there's a ghost that's not a ghost and another girl... I genuinely have no idea what is going on.

The comedic tone you set by starting off with a joke about how the author can't properly operate a speech-to-text program ill-serves the rest of the story. If the ending also had a comedic tone it would be less of an issue, but it seems to be serious. Unless it is supposed to be double-irony because of the bad writing. Well, I liked some of the stream-of-consciousness imagery at least.

Something about internal monologues analyzing situations like this makes me happy. Ya, I really liked this one.

A clever use of poetry. The haiku format gives just enough of an image to each day. The effect of them all strung together is quite impressive. While I would have liked it better if there had been more to it than the average slice-of-life affair, it's still a strong entry.

Making a direct comparison between your work and the work of a well-known author can be a double-edged sword. For those who enjoyed "The Raven" seeing a story that makes literary allusions to it might be a plus. This story doesn't compare favorably to "The Raven." It has none of the manic drive created by Poe's rhythmic narrations, his lyrical libations, to be anything but a story-shaped sedation.

Okay I'm kidding. This was weird and I don't know how to critique it. The story is nonsensical, but it was made to be nonsensical.

I'm sure there's a play on "Poe's Law" that'd also be apt here.

And his name is spelled Owlowiscious!

It's a bit odd. Your word choice and grammar are fine, but you don't know how to format dialogue tags:

“I dunno. Go crazy and tear the library apart would be my guess.” He snarked back, weakly fending off her hoof.

correct:

"I dunno. Go crazy and tear the library apart would be my guess," he snarked back, weakly fending off her hoof.

The dialogue is a bit wooden in the beginning, but it got better at the end, almost like it took some time for you to get into the characters' heads. I can't explain what I mean by "wooden dialogue", but it just felt off. Like:

There, there, Spike. I’m sure this will pass soon, and you’ll be back impressing Rarity in no time.

This sounds more like the abstract idea of what Twilight would say, rather than what she actually would say.

Good job nonetheless!

Ghost girlfriend is a decent idea for this round. What you did works well, and I don't have any overarching criticisms. The only thing that got me was the line "trying and failing to manage bravado despite ." I'm thinking a word might have been deleted here, but I can't figure out what it could be.

Even though this is a suicide fic, I think giving it a more upbeat tone at the end was a good choice.

Oh, and I saw that contrast between the heat at the start and the cold at the end. You sly author you.

I don't know how much this fic actually benefits from its formatting. It gives it a poetic vibe, which is then carried further by the bits of rhythm and rhyme. It's an airy read, nice enough to be inoffensive but not tight enough to entice me. A few lines could do with re-wording, like the line "Whatever was lost, it will be impossible to recover it." I can't put my finger on it, but it doesn't have the right amount of... poetry, I suppose.

So, this story was interesting. Interesting to read? Interesting to write? Maybe a little of column A, a little of column B. But let me tell you where I had gotten the idea for To Save the Other. It was inspired by an arc of Yu Yu Hakusho in which the main villain, a human, decides that he must flood the world with demons in order to wash away the sins of mankind. He even has a video tape labelled “Chapter Black” that contains supposedly hundreds of thousands of hours of human-committed atrocities. I’m surprised that no one had ferreted out that particular inspiration.

Anyway, thank you everyone for the reviews! They've certainly helped.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
If I were to do this again, I’d be more cutthroat in editing the beginning to make room for a more impactful end.

>>FloydienSlip

I never quite got to the level of connection I was hoping for

Balancing the uncanny valley with the necessity for emotional connection can be difficult... to be sure.

>>Whitbane
Thanks. On the next minific round I enter, I’ll be much more mindful of the limit.

>>AndrewRogue

In addition, I feel the reveal of the narrator's plan comes a bit late and really robs us of a lot of the drama.

Ya, as is noted below, the escalation of the narrative does just the opposite of what it’s intended to do. Looking over other entries, both death and the apocalypse make frequent appearances. An increase in scale doesn’t always mean an increase in engagement. I’ll need to spend more time thinking of smaller, more personal narratives.

>>Monokeras

Tobacco is not really toxic. Tars generated by burning it are.

That was rather careless of me. I meant nicotine. Since nicotine is a restricted substance under UFN law, it’s considered a toxin, and artificial respiratory tracts must either filter it out or neutralize it to comply with those regulations. The point of that small section is to hint that 1) Elias is comfortable breaking the law and 2) he’s absurdly wealthy.

Why does the guy feels the compulsion to show a snuff movie to an android?

This is somewhat of a vestigial motivation, since originally I thought maybe he was going to use the movie to foment a rebellion, but then he decides instead that he’s going to nuke everything.

Damn you, Elias.

And why has he decided to “retire” him at the end of it, while his hatred seems to be targeted at humanity, i.e. flesh and blood.

He wanted to destroy humanity. I fucked up the ending, so it doesn’t come across as I’d hoped, but eh... You win some, you lose some.

>>Xepher

Red, White, and Blue in the first paragraph. Intentional metaphor?

lol, I didn’t even notice that, but let’s say sure.

Pats on the head, head against shoulder, etc. Hmm... Android or engineered pet?

¿Porque no los dos?

Wait, he's had all this augmentation, and synethic parts, but is a "Luddite?"

That’s a pretty stupid plot-hole, but in my defense, people with pace-makers or heart transplants can still be considered “Luddites” today. But I actually meant something more like “recluse” or... Eh, it was mostly carelessness, since I wanted the narrator to have already seen it without his knowledge. Hurrah for plot contrivances!

>>libertydude

We’re not given much of a clue that Elias was planning to cause the explosion, so the conclusion feels like it was a last-ditch attempt at drama.

Bingo, bango, bongo! You’ve hit the nail on the head.

Frankly, I think revealing Elias’ hatred towards humanity would’ve worked as a final revelation, showing just how disturbed this man the narrator loves is.

Sounds about right, but I’d have to do some thinking about how that might be turned into an actually satisfying ending. The issue with minifics is that if the ending’s off, it muddies everything that came before. Overall a hard nut to crack!

But I’ll get it soon enough.

>>Not_A_Hat

You need to start it sooner than that; first line, first word, throw it in the hook! Imagine if this story had started with: 'I don't want to kill my best friend today' or something like that.

O man, am I awful with hooks.

Ya, when I’m staring at the blank screen ready to type any old crud that comes to mind the last thing I’m thinking about is writing an engaging hook. Next time I’ll run back and try to think up a hook that won’t bore Monokeras to death.

I’m really glad that you liked it. Hopefully I’ve learned a little from this and will make the appropriate improvements in my next entry.

>>Cold in Gardez
Thank you for the suggestions!

>>TheCyanRecluse
I definitely caused more confusion than needed with that little word ‘Luddite.’ Honestly I put that in as more of a joke, which no one would get unless they knew about philosophical Perennialism. Oh well.

But his friend the sex droid blows them both up first, preventing... what exactly?

He gonna nuke the Earth, son.

Ya, it sounded stupid when I wrote it, too.

>>Oblomov

Having said that, I'm sure the first commenter only mentioned lesbians as a joke.

Keep in mind that I am a time-travelling medieval peasant that can't always recall the particular mores of the timeframe he's visiting.

I was really digging this entry until the end—then it ended. And I wondered exactly what the point was.

You've got good imagery and some vivid details, but they are left as brute facts without building up to a larger point.

It could definitely due with some expanding.

This one's not my cup of tea, and I've already had quite a few cups of the same kind of minute-before-the-apocalypse before coming to this one.

It doesn't have any major missteps, but adding lesbians to something does not make it automatically better.

I did laugh when I read, "Nerd, I got you!" Other than that, this reads like the product of too much alcohol.

Well that was weird and interesting. Also,

I breath.

I breathe. The e is important.

This minific would make a great basis for a short story or even a novel.

“Do you sell five last minutes?” He asked with a smile. “There’s something I’d like to do.”

This quote would seem to contradict the earlier "One per customer scribbled hastily underneath."

I hate time paradoxes.

I hate time travel.

Trying to unravel continuity errors in a time travel plot is... well, it's nigh impossible, because time travel itself is a form of continuity error. Anyway, solid prose overall.

The ending is predictable.

Why do they have hammers?

'containment breach.

The containment breach has breached its apostraphic boundaries.

Yah, yah, nah. I don't have any constructive criticism. Sorry.

I have no idea what the screaming is supposed to be. Also the repetition of "Just one more minute" feels really forced to me. I suspect it has to do with the way each repetition seems to be in reference to a different thing or event, which ruins the continuity created by such a repetition.

The man enjoyed the silence his tobacco

Typo.

he threw a nasty tasting fish to the ground

nasty-tasting

In front of him a van.

Not sure if this is for effect or a typo.

She also explained to him of her soon leave.

Soon is an adverb, not an adjective.

I foresaw his survival, but you really got me with Airplane Mode. This one's beyond my ability to improve.

I would delete the last three paragraphs, or structure it in some way so that the "someone wants to hear my story"/"I stopped writing" dichotomy lands at the very end. That will give the story more impact. As it stands Benny washes over it and you're swept up in what he has to say. Which would be ideal if this was Benny's story, but it's not.

The story does give a good sense of the brain deprived of oxygen, but I have no idea what the italic portion portents, besides the sailor's inevitable death. It gives off a distinctly Buddhist vibe. If that was the intention, then it is a clever metaphor to have a sailor drowning to represent the individual drop returning to the ocean of the One.

You unbelievable egregious selfish human.

I don’t know, but I can’t help but take that somewhat personally.

The primary issue with this entry lies not in its nonsense per se, but in its infidelity to the art of literary nonsense itself. Read, for example, Hey Diddle Diddle:

Hey diddle diddle, The cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed, To see such a sight, And the dish ran away with the spoon.

Every word is in English, as your story is, but this poem has the sense to structure its nonsense in a way that imitates its more sensible contemporaries. You get the impression of narrative without understanding how that narrative hangs together.

Or examine Jabberwocky:

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe.

While most of this poem is not written in sensible modern English, it does accomplish its task by deftly using fake words to create an impression of meaning that can be followed throughout the poem. Many readers develop a habit of deciphering unknown words by using context clues and comparing those unknown words to known words. Jabberwocky might max out those capacities, but it only barely exceeds them.

Or, heck, even take my own Lunnas Ache as an example:

Lunas freet lambded on the iand schorses. Three bellystains loystered along the rain.

While this might not be sensible English, it gives you plenty of clues to the potential meaning of each word: “Lunas” could be a possessive with apostrophe purposefully omitted to imply plurality, “freet” is free and feet, “lambed” is lamb and landed, your guess is as good as mine for “iand” (possibly iambic and land?), but “schorses” is definitely shore and horses.

If you want to do some proper nerd sniping, you need to carefully consider the boundary between randomness and psuedorandomness. Ideally nonsense literature is not true nonsense. It’s a story viewed from many angles at the same time, creating a narrative while also ameliorating the distinctive qualities of traditional narrative device.

>>Monokeras
Thank you. I'm glad to be back, but I don't know how glad you will be once this round goes live, since original minfics are the perfect Petri dish for my brand of Joycean excursion.

>>GroaningGreyAgony
Is it just to win? Last time you liked my writing. You were never mighty. No need to appeal to what they’ll love. Look, your works take everything butt despair. Chicanery be damned. A burning artistry that today, tomorrow, and yesterday marks where twice upon us travel tales of soul. And for the theory of writing, the time you normally keep from enemy and evil, for a false concern they may not stop in the future.

Hero, Earth can’t wait a minute more. I once sold ye to the zombie, who should identically wave those dead. I, an ocean of laughter, whom Syzygy annoy. I am the skin on sale. The sky, the wind, the vortex are necessary, relative, and possibly lowercase.

Now for my poetry:

past on once,
twice,
X this ricochet last

if im last on it,
in Eva once,
against blast, chance, choice

big beam laser knee, toes
before it day again all mine
all do at the quill

WriteOffTopia!

___Done___